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Open and Honest

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

In the jealous behavior thread we said that we have never managed to get any "Secret Signals" sorted out.

We have tried but its never worked well for us so we have an agreement now that when one of us goes off to get a drink we both go to give us a chance to actually speak about how we are feeling. Which works well for us.

There was a few reply's saying that they didn't bother with that and were just "Open and Honest" about it.

We have always struggled with the best way to handle this. On the odd occasion we have felt it wouldn't work out we have gone back and had another drink using that time to say that we were sorry but we would like to keep it to just social or something innocuous like that. We find it easier in a club as you can just move on, so referring more to private meets.

We have always felt that for one of us just to come out with it would be quite hurtful, for example if we were all sitting there and I (The guy) came out with it, even if I didn't like the other guy as a person it would probably end up making the woman feel as if it was her that I didn't fancy. And vice versa.

We only ask as it is something that we find really hard to find the right balance with. Extracting ourselves from something we don't want without causing unneeded hurt to others. We have always managed to do it but it has sometimes felt very clunky!

What do you guys mean by "Open and Honest"? Do you just tell people outright?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We do something similar... One of us will just say, think I need a drink.. however neither have any problem telling someone that we would rather not. X I don't see why it should cause any bother.

I tend to leave it to Lee to refuse... Lol unless it's single guys... Then I will just say no thanks. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Probably stemming from our response to the other thread.

Mainly we're open and honest with each other.

We communicate our feelings about others together, and agree how to proceed.

If Miss is only into the girl and not the guy then we can say it's just girl-girl, guys play with their own.

Or if Mr isn't into the other girl it can be the same..

We don't allow others to join us if we have already started playing, unless we know them and know what the deal is between us.

If we agree to play and it seems it was going to be a good mix, but after a while you realise something is not as it should - it's just a sorry, im not feeling this - but thesedays that hardly ever happens.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Ok - so you were referring more to being open and honest with each other, rather than with the other couple/guy/girl?

We definitely agree how to proceed together, but it is if the decision is not to proceed and how to handle that without hurting feelings we struggle with.

So if you met a couple for a drinks, had a few drinks, there was nothing blindingly obvious like being 15 years older than their pictures or a bad case of BO or something, but you just were not feeling it how do you deal with that?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It can be hard but we are all big people. So should be able to say thanks but no thanks.

We hate doing it but have done so but it does makes us feel bad after.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We normally just say it isn't working out but thanks for coming. We never play just for the sake of it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Ok - so you were referring more to being open and honest with each other, rather than with the other couple/guy/girl?

We definitely agree how to proceed together, but it is if the decision is not to proceed and how to handle that without hurting feelings we struggle with.

So if you met a couple for a drinks, had a few drinks, there was nothing blindingly obvious like being 15 years older than their pictures or a bad case of BO or something, but you just were not feeling it how do you deal with that? "

We would only do private meets with others we have previously met elsewhere eg at a party or a club.

We dont do social only or private meets with people we have never met prior.

If we did get involved and it wasn't working, we would say not feeling it.. but it's vary rare we get into that position anymore.

Its not a race to play, it's the journey.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If it is simply with a social, and there are zero plans on playing that day/night, tell the other couple before you meet that feedback is given in the cold light of (the following) day.

Then you can message them something on the lines of "you're a lovely couple but regrettably not for us" or "you're a lovely couple and look forward to meeting you again, and hopefully you feel the same, if not we wish you well".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"If it is simply with a social, and there are zero plans on playing that day/night, tell the other couple before you meet that feedback is given in the cold light of (the following) day.

Then you can message them something on the lines of "you're a lovely couple but regrettably not for us" or "you're a lovely couple and look forward to meeting you again, and hopefully you feel the same, if not we wish you well"."

That is what we do or in some cases gently let the contact fade away.

We have had one or two this week for the first time ever being so crass as saying outright that we are not attractive and yesterday one woman even went as far as saying that I should trade D in for her as she (quote) 'past her best'.

Truly astonishing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Ok - so you were referring more to being open and honest with each other, rather than with the other couple/guy/girl?

We definitely agree how to proceed together, but it is if the decision is not to proceed and how to handle that without hurting feelings we struggle with.

So if you met a couple for a drinks, had a few drinks, there was nothing blindingly obvious like being 15 years older than their pictures or a bad case of BO or something, but you just were not feeling it how do you deal with that? "

I leave it to Mister and yes he is open & honest and says. Only done it a couple of times though.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"If it is simply with a social, and there are zero plans on playing that day/night, tell the other couple before you meet that feedback is given in the cold light of (the following) day.

Then you can message them something on the lines of "you're a lovely couple but regrettably not for us" or "you're a lovely couple and look forward to meeting you again, and hopefully you feel the same, if not we wish you well".

That is what we do or in some cases gently let the contact fade away.

We have had one or two this week for the first time ever being so crass as saying outright that we are not attractive and yesterday one woman even went as far as saying that I should trade D in for her as she (quote) 'past her best'.

Truly astonishing."

I commented on your thread.

With that extra snippet of info, it doesn't sound like she wants a couple.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Ok - so you were referring more to being open and honest with each other, rather than with the other couple/guy/girl?

We definitely agree how to proceed together, but it is if the decision is not to proceed and how to handle that without hu@rting feelings we struggle with.

So if you met a couple for a drinks, had a few drinks, there was nothing blindingly obvious like being 15 years older than their pictures or a bad case of BO or something, but you just were not feeling it how do you deal with that? "

Just tell them.. as we mostly meet in clubs it's not an issue.. couple To couple may be harder.. to be fair I think I may come over all ill and apologise that I'm not feeling my best.

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

when I started swinging, I might not have said directly.

now, I would.

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By *ENDAROOSCouple
over a year ago

South West London / Surrey


"when I started swinging, I might not have said directly.

now, I would."

This

You can be honest without being rude or nasty.

Same as we prefer people be honest with us when on a meet. Would hate to feel that they only played with us because they felt they had to.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

We would never play if we were not happy to do so anyway.

And we would never be rude or nasty intentionally. I think it is probably a case of us overthinking it. If we were turned down it probably wouldn't worry us too much so hopefully others would see it the same way.

But it seems from at least some of the answers there are others out there who also struggle with how to do it gently.

xx

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