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"The problem is that she does want a bit of violence involved. I don’t want to spell it all out here, but she wants to be degraded, spanking till red raw, slapped, roughed around… Am just worried for us both to be honest. " We do CNC and there can be a fair bit of impact and psychological play. However we have been together a long time and know each other very well. Also it is play and roles that come naturally to us. I think that's a sensible concern. First you need to be happy she is in the right place in herself for this and she's not just jumping into the deep end before she can swim. Has she got experience of this prior? If so to what extent? If someone is asking for something as a consenting adult you still have a responsibility to their safety and welfare. It's still party on you to stop if you're not happy even if they're asking for it. When you play with someone in this way you have great responsibility that you cant abdicate. From the sounds of it you know that and my hat off to you for that. A lot depends of how much talk and thinking through you've done regarding safety and practicality. And you have to know your limits and experience. Things can go sour pretty quick when someone is demanding stuff beyond your limits or experience. Part of taking the lead role is simply saying no, I won't do that (obviously you can word it in a sexier way or lead to play towards de-dscalation). It's important because some subs may be high on fantasy and try to run before they can walk. Especially if you've don't done much of this play together you need to work it up step by step. Build your confidence in each other. It's really important to have the confidence in your sub that they do know themselves and will communicate clearly with you. And how do you feel about this? Does this excite you? Or is this something you're just game to try for them? Or do you not like the idea? Because if its not something you're on board with how good a job with you do and what's actually in it for you? And if its not a fantasy you're comfortable with then its just not for you. Is it something you could outsource to others? Either way it doesn't sound like you're happy with stuff as it is. Sounds you have a great mindset towards safety and welfare. I think there's a few conversations to have, some reading to do and figuring out to do. The main thing is don't be pressured. Kink (even dark kinks) are ment to be fun and playful for all. If it don't feel that way to you it's properly not right (or right now). | |||
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"Thank you so much for the above. Lots to take away and talk about I appreciate you for the time you took write this for me." Take it from a man who was in your shoes before I met M. It’s the fact that it is not in your nature that probably means she is confident in you being her Dom, she has probably seen something in you, maybe just trusts you because you haven’t actually tried to play that way. When M first told me what she liked I was a bit shocked. I checked and double checked that she hadn’t just been conditioned by a few dodgy ex’s that it’s what guys want and she thought she was making herself more appealing to me but suggesting that spanking was ok, that rough was ok, that she really loved anal. To me all of those things were just some misogynistic porn fantasy of the worst type of men. Check our profile and you will see we have come a long way as a couple since then. She really does enjoy it and want it, and I enjoy what it does to her more than I enjoy inflicting the pain, I enjoy watching her fall into subspace I enjoy pushing her limits. I enjoy the crazy amount of orgasms that she has as a result of the power exchange. But once it’s over it’s cuddles and reassurance and fried chicken and a cup of tea and spooning to sleep until morning. As others have said communication is key, set a clear limit, discuss what the hard no’s are and use a safe word. And the easiest one is traffic light, Green - all good, Amber - I’m at limit ease off, Red - stop immediately. Research RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink). | |||
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"I need some help and some tips please. I have a FWB and we’ve been having fun for awhile, but she leaves more on the submissive side and she wants me to be fully dominant. She wants to be tied up gagged and edged. She loves role-play and being put in our place and loves spanking to her arse is red raw. It’s not in my nature to be aggressive, as much as this is a turn on I’ve never really done anything like this. And the things that she’s describing. I thought this will be the perfect place to come and ask my fellow like-minded people how I should go about this and the frame of mind I should be in as I want to please her without feeling guilty. " If you’re not into it then don’t do it. If it’s not really you then don’t worry. Just be you. You don’t have to do those things. | |||
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"The problem is that she does want a bit of violence involved. I don’t want to spell it all out here, but she wants to be degraded, spanking till red raw, slapped, roughed around… Am just worried for us both to be honest. " I'm naturally dominant and I don't mind to play rough if required, but I don't need it for my own sexual satisfaction. I used to go out with a young woman who told me that no matter how hard I hit her it wouldn't be hard enough - I knew at that point we were not sexually compatible and gradually brought the relationship to an end. I think if the relationship is good on all other levels, you will either find increasing enjoyment from her wishes or, as I did, just accept you're not sexually compatible and move on. K. | |||
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"I thought this will be the perfect place to come and ask my fellow like-minded people how I should go about this and the frame of mind I should be in as I want to please her without feeling guilty. " I often say that the things I love doing completely repulse me outside of a clearly consensual scene. So what's really important to me is laying the groundwork for clarity in consent. First thing is discussing redlines. I can't link other sites but there are bdsm limits questionnaires out there which are great for ing out red lines, and also for the submissive to express specific desires. Then there's safewords. I use yellow and red - "stop that", "stop everything". It will take time for you to trust that the submissive will use them, and to learn when they can't use them (e.g. because they've frozen up in fear). Don't trust a submissive who refuses to use safewords, you need them as much as they do. Finally, discuss ideas for scenes when you can't act them out. This will help you get a bit more specific, tease out limits you don't know about, etc. This should also be helping to build up a "scene" in your head that you want to play out. Then it's just a case of trying out the scene, responding to the submissive as they react to it, aftercare as necessary, rinse and repeat. Start small, build over time, and you'll get the confidence you need to know you're doing a good thing that your submissive is enjoying - which is what distinguishes you from any sort of person you should feel guilty for being. Oh, and read. Lots. So many gotchas - rope causing nerve damage, canes causing kidney damage, accidental concussions, breath play is all sorts of risky that people don't realise, etc etc. A little reading will save you a lifetime of regret. | |||
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