FabSwingers.com forum: What are your tips for BDSM newbies on Fab?

By *rsTrellis OP Woman
23 weeks ago

Cambridge

Hi kinky folks

I’ve been chatting with a woman who’s keen to explore BDSM as a sub. She’s joined Fab.

I’m have lots of swinging and BDSM experience myself but I wanted to ask you to share your advice about how to have fun, how to stay safe, how to express what you want, how to use Fab etc.

What are your top tips for BDSM newbies on Fab?

MrsTrellis x

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
23 weeks ago

Carlisle usually

Don't listen to anyone claiming they're a Dom on here. Get yourself to local munches and peer events. Learn about safety and vetting and all the important bits before taking any big steps 💜

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By *orny PTMan
23 weeks ago

Peterborough

Go in with an open mind,be brave and learn to trust others and stick to your guns. Always say it's your first time, as this is important and will allow you to keep things light, until you are ready to go much more intense. Question away. No such thing as a daft question.

London alternative market and similar events are a great place to start: you can see the books, toys, tools, clothes and chat to the traders. Later on some guests buy the after party tickets and get to try out things in a safe, friendly manner.

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By *eyond PurityCouple
23 weeks ago

Lincolnshire

There are so many wannabe Dom's on here. Anyone who wants to get stuck in without first meeting, discussing everything at length, setting boundaries, understanding limits, expectations, experience etc etc. should be well avoided.

It's easy to slip into the eroticism of it all, however the reality of being at the mercy of someone who doesn't understand consent on these very special terms, is very dangerous!

I've spoken to women who've sustained lifelong injuries at the hands of an abuser, under the guise of a sub/Dom experience, so it's really not to be undertaken lightly.

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By *bitofaslutWoman
23 weeks ago

Cannock

Trust and communication is EVERYTHING. 99% of Dom's are abusers looking for victims.

Watching or reading 50 shades doesn't make you a Dom and being a doormat isn't subbing.

What it is, is a meeting of EQUALS where one person cedes control to the other, with caveats. Submission is a gift to be treated with care and respect. It's never taken and it's never demanded.

Always play safely, sanely and with consent. Never play without discussing the sub and the Dom's limits and needs.

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By *rsTrellis OP Woman
23 weeks ago

Cambridge

I was lucky enough to have some fantastic experiences with Doms on Fab.

Your questions should be welcome and answered fully before any play takes place.

It should be very easy to say no, without consequences.

It takes time for someone to become your Dom/Domme or Master/Mistress. If they’re calling themselves that from Day One, they’re going too fast.

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By *enelope2UWoman
23 weeks ago

Doesn't matter cant block distances

Don't use fab for your education or experience. Those who state they are knowledgeable generally aren't on fab nor are they generally honest on their abilities etc.

Start dealing and interacting with real people you can trust friend on and who aren't in to tick boxes.

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By *ittle Miss TinkerbellWoman
23 weeks ago

your head

Do your own research. Read everything, find out everything you can. If you are lucky enough to have people you already trust ask all the questions. Yes, be open minded but be cautious too.

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By *orny PTMan
23 weeks ago

Peterborough

You need to see your future dom like a hairdresser or tattooist.

They are working on you for you

When done right the effects are amazing. If done wrong you be left scarred and scared.

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By *opey_JohnMan
23 weeks ago

Dudley

There is a lot of great advice.

Munches and public events are a great place to meet people and learn. And after parties are also good to watch people play.

Don't be too quick to jump into something and see what takes you fancy and research it first!

Also, anyone insisting that you call them Dom, Sir or Master within a few messages is a huge red flag! Unless their name is Dominic, but still, check first!

All the usual safety, dating safety, meet safety applies!

There's a lot of experience and it's easy to get carried away. But take your time and find something amazing. Any good Dom/Top will happily take the time to explain why and what they want to do!

As all the usual "Scam" advise goes, if you're be pressured into making a decision right now, walk away! If it looks too good to be try, walk away.

Close the message, think about it, come back to it and read it again with a clear head! Does it still sound good? Trust your gut!

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By *pankingNorfolkCouple
23 weeks ago

Norwich

Watching or reading 50 shades doesn't make you a Dom and being a doormat isn't subbing.

What it is, is a meeting of EQUALS where one person cedes control to the other, with caveats. Submission is a gift to be treated with care and respect. It's never taken and it's never demanded.

Always play safely, sanely and with consent. Never play without discussing the sub and the Dom's limits and needs.

This is spot on.

The amount of messages we have had saying things like…..”bring her over so she can feel my belt”, “I’d love to have a go on her” etc etc

Guys that really don’t get it. We did have a long explainer on our profile.

Just because M is sub and I am Dom does not mean I own her, control her or have the say of what happens between us.

I’ve often said M has more power than me in a D/s scene because the second I overstep her boundaries is the second our relationship is over.

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By *rsTrellis OP Woman
23 weeks ago

Cambridge

Thanks all for the great advice. X

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By *ensualMan
23 weeks ago

Sutton

I have an alternative view.

First get yourself educated. There are a number of great books on the area from the classic but dated Screw the roses, to anything from Jay Wiseman. There are great YouTube broadcasters such as Evie Lupine and Michelle Thorne.

Take a self inventory. Are you someone that can stand up to a chancer. If you can't advocate for yourself the BDSM scene is tough. As an example would you be willing to interview the future Dom, and take references from them and follow them up.

Have you worked out your hard limits and your boundaries.

Do you know the difference between a Top and a Dominant,

I am not a believer in gut feeling because it works well in stopping taking part but not so good in determining to take part.

The current view is that submission is not a gift. There are a dozen reasons why, but a simple one is a gift does not meed to be returned submission can be revoked any time for any reason.

Everyone has different ideas of what a "Dom" or a "sub" should be. Most of the time it is personal preference and can be discounted.

There are no guaranteed safe ways to do BDSM, it is a question of determining what is a within your personal risk matrix.

The only thing I would agree with is take your time. There is no rush and noone should rush you into anything.

Good luck

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By *ellsuitedMan
16 weeks ago

Elstree

BDSM relationships can be far more complicated and intense than vanilla relationships.

For me the rules are:

1. Always safety first.

2. Communicate constantly.

3. No bondage unless and until both feel absolutely safe doing so.

4. First meeting always in a safe place and I never ever play on a first meeting.

5. Take things slow and even then slow down.

6. Did I mention communication???

7. Oh and safety…. If it doesn’t feel 100% right…. Leave!

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By *forfuntimesCouple
16 weeks ago

Sheffield

Lots of great advice so far...

For us one important thing (once into a play scenario) is a safe word... and ensuring as soon as that word is spoken - play / scenario stops immediately... that is how we play and keep within our limits...

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
16 weeks ago

Carlisle usually

"Lots of great advice so far...

If someone hears you call Red and gives you one last hit 'because you can take it' before ceasing play, they will never truly respect your boundaries 💜

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By *ensualMan
16 weeks ago

Sutton

"Lots of great advice so far...

An alternative is that there are at least two approaches to use of a safeword.

1.Play stops and toys are put away and it is a wrap.

2. Play stops for a timeout, if the bottom is in a position to discuss the issue and wants to continue, then continue. Using a rope example, the lay of the rope may be cause intense discomfort but a quick adjustment can relieve the discomfort without stopping the scene for the day.

Clarity of approach is required to avoid misunderstanding.

Additionally, some practitioners would maintain the use of a safe word is a failure on the part of the Top who should be intensely focused on the bottom's condition.

Others feel that ongoing feedback from the bottom is not topping from the bottom and can help avoid use of the safeword.

The important point is that bottoms/subs should not see use of a safeword as failure on their part, but as part of the tools of play.

Therefore safewords are good, but should not be solely relied upon.

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By *orny PTMan
16 weeks ago

Peterborough

Watch a few videos together. Maximum control and no danger, apart from the eye bleach. See what buttons get pressed and both of you also need watch each other's reactions.

Body language will speak volumes, if shyness is a problem.

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By *onforming_deviantWoman
16 weeks ago

Hull

Ask every man on here claiming to be 'dom' if that's dominant or domineering haha

Engaging with Doms on here is a major risk.

Getting to local munches, bdsm events will teach you so much more.

Safe, sane and consentual

Explicit consent

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By *orny PTMan
16 weeks ago

Peterborough

I do glove sessions and show my 'victim' what they are beforehand and more importantly what they are not.

By letting them hold the gloves and knowing what they are, pointy but not sjharp, like a dog's spiky collar studs (that's exactly what they are) the spikey gloves are dragged over the skin, like finger nails, to stroke and caress, even tickle.

They are not impact play, nor painful. This I drum in everytime.

A good dom operates like a good masseur, tattooist or hairdresser. Laying down is not a passive move when I'm at play. The 'sub' calls the shots.

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By *luffyrabitCouple
16 weeks ago

Catterick Garrison/ Stockton

"BDSM relationships can be far more complicated and intense than vanilla relationships.

For me the rules are:

1. Always safety first.

2. Communicate constantly.

3. No bondage unless and until both feel absolutely safe doing so.

4. First meeting always in a safe place and I never ever play on a first meeting.

5. Take things slow and even then slow down.

6. Did I mention communication???

7. Oh and safety…. If it doesn’t feel 100% right…. Leave!"

Agree with this 100%

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By *orny PTMan
16 weeks ago

Peterborough

"Lots of great advice so far...

If someone hears you call Red and gives you one last hit 'because you can take it' before ceasing play, they will never truly respect your boundaries 💜"

As someone who has had fillings done WITHOUT anaesthetic, I can really vouch for that.

Stop means 'Stooooo-ooop!', before I finish the 'op'.

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