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"I'm a reasonably experienced Dom but you can always learn more, I have a Meet this weekend and wonder what you Sub Ladies really like in your Dom situations?" I mean that's such a wide area it's like asking 'what are people's favourite cuisine'. You're far better working on and learning about things around your own interests, expanding those... And then talking to the person you are going to meet about what they are looking for, negotiation is sexy as is being able to give informed consent... So it doesn't matter what others 'really like' all that matters is what your meet is really into. | |||
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"From our experience in the scene and together, everyone is different. We went to a party on NYE where girls were queuing up to be spanked by one guy who is well known locally for that alone. But there were also couples like us who like to do a bit of everything from rope, to wax to impact play. As a Dom you should not be asking for tips on what Subs potentially like, there is only one person you should be asking. And that is the person you are about to play with. You need to know what she likes, and also what her limits are. And you need to agree safe words. Anyone playing without them is not safe. Traffic light system the easiest, Amber for close to limit so ease up a bit, Red for stop. In reality a good D/s scene shouldn’t get to Red." All of this. And one more to add, check what after care she requires. Will she need to be held, snacks, blankets, maybe she just want's to be left alone but what ever she requires you do without question at this stage. And what ever you do make sure you call or at least message the day after and check in with her as more than likely still be feeling some sort of drop. | |||
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"In reality a good D/s scene shouldn’t get to Red." The only bit I'm going to take slight issue with is this. It gives the implication that if you call a safe word it's a 'bad scene'. As someone who has been an educator, especially around intro to BDSM and negotiation it's a topic that's as close to my heart as submissives/bottoms being filling informed on the safest ways to practise (ie Not relying on just the Dom/top to know) as that's the only way you can truly give informed consent and know when to safe word if something is wrong - we are after all adults with body autonomy, we should know and be able to communicate this. For too long I've seen people hold a similar view to this, and that causes so many issues and puts undue pressure on both the sub and the Dom (or top/bottom, sadist/masochist). I have seen people in tears post scene because they called red... They were distraught because they had 'failed'(and this is both sub and Dom). Any form of Safeword (and I personally prefer the traffic light system*) is nothing more than a tool to indicate ongoing enthusiastic consent. I've used my safe word a lot, often nothing to do with the scene itself. I've called it when: - I realised my period had started while we were playing. - Something had triggered my asthma. - I wasn't comfortable in some rope work (when pain/endurance wasn't the plan) Those are the ones off the top of my head in the last few months... *Traffic light system (our version) Green - all ok, keep going nowhere near boundaries Yellow - getting close to boundaries, need to be aware/dial it back/switch focus Red - Done need to stop (this can be the activity or the scene). Yellow and red both prompt discussion for us, for yellow it's about establishing if it's bearing a hard or soft limit, if a particular impact is too much etc. for red it's an immediate stopping of that part of the scene, with cuddles and discussion about if it's just an element of the scene that needs dropping, if it's the need for a rest, if it's stopping the scene totally etc... | |||
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"In reality a good D/s scene shouldn’t get to Red. The only bit I'm going to take slight issue with is this. It gives the implication that if you call a safe word it's a 'bad scene'. As someone who has been an educator, especially around intro to BDSM and negotiation it's a topic that's as close to my heart as submissives/bottoms being filling informed on the safest ways to practise (ie Not relying on just the Dom/top to know) as that's the only way you can truly give informed consent and know when to safe word if something is wrong - we are after all adults with body autonomy, we should know and be able to communicate this. For too long I've seen people hold a similar view to this, and that causes so many issues and puts undue pressure on both the sub and the Dom (or top/bottom, sadist/masochist). I have seen people in tears post scene because they called red... They were distraught because they had 'failed'(and this is both sub and Dom). Any form of Safeword (and I personally prefer the traffic light system*) is nothing more than a tool to indicate ongoing enthusiastic consent. I've used my safe word a lot, often nothing to do with the scene itself. I've called it when: - I realised my period had started while we were playing. - Something had triggered my asthma. - I wasn't comfortable in some rope work (when pain/endurance wasn't the plan) Those are the ones off the top of my head in the last few months... *Traffic light system (our version) Green - all ok, keep going nowhere near boundaries Yellow - getting close to boundaries, need to be aware/dial it back/switch focus Red - Done need to stop (this can be the activity or the scene). Yellow and red both prompt discussion for us, for yellow it's about establishing if it's bearing a hard or soft limit, if a particular impact is too much etc. for red it's an immediate stopping of that part of the scene, with cuddles and discussion about if it's just an element of the scene that needs dropping, if it's the need for a rest, if it's stopping the scene totally etc... " Agreed. Red doesn't mean anyone has done anything wrong. It just means it needs to stop. | |||
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"In reality a good D/s scene shouldn’t get to Red. The only bit I'm going to take slight issue with is this. It gives the implication that if you call a safe word it's a 'bad scene'. As someone who has been an educator, especially around intro to BDSM and negotiation it's a topic that's as close to my heart as submissives/bottoms being filling informed on the safest ways to practise (ie Not relying on just the Dom/top to know) as that's the only way you can truly give informed consent and know when to safe word if something is wrong - we are after all adults with body autonomy, we should know and be able to communicate this. For too long I've seen people hold a similar view to this, and that causes so many issues and puts undue pressure on both the sub and the Dom (or top/bottom, sadist/masochist). I have seen people in tears post scene because they called red... They were distraught because they had 'failed'(and this is both sub and Dom). Any form of Safeword (and I personally prefer the traffic light system*) is nothing more than a tool to indicate ongoing enthusiastic consent. I've used my safe word a lot, often nothing to do with the scene itself. I've called it when: - I realised my period had started while we were playing. - Something had triggered my asthma. - I wasn't comfortable in some rope work (when pain/endurance wasn't the plan) Those are the ones off the top of my head in the last few months... *Traffic light system (our version) Green - all ok, keep going nowhere near boundaries Yellow - getting close to boundaries, need to be aware/dial it back/switch focus Red - Done need to stop (this can be the activity or the scene). Yellow and red both prompt discussion for us, for yellow it's about establishing if it's bearing a hard or soft limit, if a particular impact is too much etc. for red it's an immediate stopping of that part of the scene, with cuddles and discussion about if it's just an element of the scene that needs dropping, if it's the need for a rest, if it's stopping the scene totally etc... " Agreed, I was going to add on the point. The other thing (as you allude to) about red is being clear whether it is a hard stop, or whether it is being used reset. Some people need a rest, and then are raring to go. The cliché, communication is key, is true in kink. | |||
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"To add. We have added beige to the traffic light system - if it’s dull/not doing anything to keep us within the bubble/headspace it easily enables a change of approach. " While I love this idea and want to find a way to incorporate it... We are both brats, if could go so horribly wrong.... | |||
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"To add. We have added beige to the traffic light system - if it’s dull/not doing anything to keep us within the bubble/headspace it easily enables a change of approach. While I love this idea and want to find a way to incorporate it... We are both brats, if could go so horribly wrong.... " I would have a chat before the scene about whether bratting is appropriate for the level of play/danger. You can both yellow at any point, and I always recommend both those who are experienced players and new to do safeword drills. That way the bottom gets used to saying it and how the top responds. The top might not hear it, or respond so we always repeat red red red, yellow yellow yellow, to make sure it is heard and taken seriously. If I’m non-verbal (OP this is another thing to find out, if your bottom becomes non-verbal), I tap three times. If I’m gagged/bound I have a ball or something to hold, if I drop it or throw it determines yellow/red. | |||
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"To add. We have added beige to the traffic light system - if it’s dull/not doing anything to keep us within the bubble/headspace it easily enables a change of approach. While I love this idea and want to find a way to incorporate it... We are both brats, if could go so horribly wrong.... I would have a chat before the scene about whether bratting is appropriate for the level of play/danger. You can both yellow at any point, and I always recommend both those who are experienced players and new to do safeword drills. That way the bottom gets used to saying it and how the top responds. The top might not hear it, or respond so we always repeat red red red, yellow yellow yellow, to make sure it is heard and taken seriously. If I’m non-verbal (OP this is another thing to find out, if your bottom becomes non-verbal), I tap three times. If I’m gagged/bound I have a ball or something to hold, if I drop it or throw it determines yellow/red. " I've known and played with my partner for over 20 years now, bratting is an intrinsic part of who we both are and our dynamic so it's always a risk... (for the lolz, I was talking about this in a group chat with fellow kinky brats and I was coming out with comments like: "would you like elbow patches with that beige cardigan" "you're so beige I should call you nugget") But yes the whole non verbal side of safewords is also a thing... I can go non verbal but it's also handy in a loud club, or when gagged/doing sensory dep etc... We have both done some jujitsu and without thinking one day I tapped out (tapped him 3 times), just as I would in grappling and he responded instinctively which led to some laughter. When someone is gagged I've been known to use a squeeky toy or something that would make an obvious noise when dropped, in a club that I knew would be noisy I had a flashing ball so there was a visual as well as audible que) | |||
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" As the Dom I would be upset if M called Red. But only because I have overstepped. And possibly because until I met M I hadn’t done anything like this before. We do communicate a lot before during and after. And maybe that’s why I’d be surprised if we made Red unless in those unforeseen circumstances" Red can happen for a lot of reasons, as outlined by previous posts. But, if you’re upset by it, it is worth checking and talking it through with your partner. It may stop them calling it if they know it will upset you. Equally, it is worth working through the feeling to find a way not to see ir as overstepping and rather as an adjustment to the scene. Scenes can pause on red, talk, checkin-in adjust and carry on if all are willing, or shift into wind down and aftercare. It’s not a failure or a negative (unless it happens often and then there is a bigger issue that no forum on the internet can solve). | |||
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"The only other thing I would mention is that subs/bottoms have the authority and should exercise the authirity to interview the "Dominant" /Top before the "Meet/scene" and discuss and negotiate all relevant issues. Don't rely on what a random stranger states about their experience. However this does require taking time and getting educated, but there are resources out there about questioning and interviewing potential Doms/Tops." This this this this this. So much this! | |||
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"I'm a reasonably experienced Dom but you can always learn more, I have a Meet this weekend and wonder what you Sub Ladies really like in your Dom situations?" If you are dabbling into the sub/Dom world but don't have the ideas for your meet I would respectfully suggest that you do more homework first, I don't think you will get your answers in the hope that subs will reply on here. You should be learning from Dom's, not subs. | |||
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"I'm a reasonably experienced Dom but you can always learn more, I have a Meet this weekend and wonder what you Sub Ladies really like in your Dom situations? If you are dabbling into the sub/Dom world but don't have the ideas for your meet I would respectfully suggest that you do more homework first, I don't think you will get your answers in the hope that subs will reply on here. You should be learning from Dom's, not subs." Respectfully, the OP needs to only learn from their bottom. Yes, skills, techniques, safety and experience can be informed by other Dominants, but equally the bottom’s experience and learnings are not to be dismissed. Bad “Doms” breed more bad “Doms”. The conflation of dominant and Dominant, not to mention manosphere influence makes for a dangerous (literally) cocktail of misinformation and harm (physically and mentally). | |||
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"As a Dom myself I find it a little worrying that you Op have come to a room full of strangers for advice. This is a conversation you should be having with the sub/ bottom. You need to discuss expectations from the scene, safe words, what her wants are from it, what your wants are for it. During the scene you should be constantly talking, checking in on the sub. Going at a pace which works for the sub. After the scene ends you need to do aftercare, find out what the sub needs from you to help with sub drop. Whether it's cuddles or more! If you are new to bdsm go to a local swamp meet, there is one monthly in most areas. Go on fet life and find out. " So much love for this advice! It’s perfect | |||
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"I'm a reasonably experienced Dom but you can always learn more, I have a Meet this weekend and wonder what you Sub Ladies really like in your Dom situations? If you are dabbling into the sub/Dom world but don't have the ideas for your meet I would respectfully suggest that you do more homework first, I don't think you will get your answers in the hope that subs will reply on here. You should be learning from Dom's, not subs. Respectfully, the OP needs to only learn from their bottom. Yes, skills, techniques, safety and experience can be informed by other Dominants, but equally the bottom’s experience and learnings are not to be dismissed. Bad “Doms” breed more bad “Doms”. The conflation of dominant and Dominant, not to mention manosphere influence makes for a dangerous (literally) cocktail of misinformation and harm (physically and mentally)." Definitely this. | |||
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"As a Dom myself I find it a little worrying that you Op have come to a room full of strangers for advice. This is a conversation you should be having with the sub/ bottom. You need to discuss expectations from the scene, safe words, what her wants are from it, what your wants are for it. During the scene you should be constantly talking, checking in on the sub. Going at a pace which works for the sub. After the scene ends you need to do aftercare, find out what the sub needs from you to help with sub drop. Whether it's cuddles or more! If you are new to bdsm go to a local swamp meet, there is one monthly in most areas. Go on fet life and find out. " All good advice. | |||
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