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BDSM advice

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

So my work crush has turned into a little more.

We have been on a couple of dates and she has mentioned a few times she likes things a little rough and talked about light BDSM which she apparently likes. On the weekend she is coming round to mine and she has made her intentions quite clear about what is going to happen. I have told her I have never been into "rough" sex or BDSM and she said she can change that.

Thing is I have never had rough sex or been involved in BDSM. I have no idea, no clue. I'm worried this might turn her away when she realises I meant what I said.

What the hell do I do here? I really like her but I feel well and truly clueless.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Imagine if this was the other way round and it was a man telling a woman he’d change that.

Now apply that shock to yourself. If you don’t wanna do something, do not do it!

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
over a year ago

Carlisle usually

Communicate with her.

No one else can tell you what the dynamic between the two of you is.

Don't do anything you don't actively want to do.

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
over a year ago

Leeds

If you aren't comfortable state it and say no. What fluffy said above is totally correct!

If you want to try and are just nervous because you haven't tried it before then do some reading up, watch some ammeture BDSM porn & have the conversation that you haven't done this and need some guidance.

Mrs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You’ve been honest with her that you are a newbie - she might enjoy introducing you to it!

Just ask her openly what she likes, what she would enjoy you doing once it comes to the bedroom. Or otherwise share a fantasy by text, or ask her to tell you about a time she enjoyed. Not in an ‘interrogate her’ way but in a ‘sexy let’s chat about it and get turned on way’ when the mood is right.

BDSM is such a widely used term for her it could mean anything from a slap on the bum mid sex to being tied up and whipped! Plus communication and consent are key so talk about it so you know what she also doesn’t like, what you might not be comfortable doing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You’ve told her you’re inexperienced and she’s said she’ll help you.

So talk to her, ask her questions and listen to her answers. Everybody has to start somewhere.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Communicate with her.

No one else can tell you what the dynamic between the two of you is.

Don't do anything you don't actively want to do."

Thank you.

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land


"Imagine if this was the other way round and it was a man telling a woman he’d change that.

Now apply that shock to yourself. If you don’t wanna do something, do not do it! "

Was about to say the same

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"If you aren't comfortable state it and say no. What fluffy said above is totally correct!

If you want to try and are just nervous because you haven't tried it before then do some reading up, watch some ammeture BDSM porn & have the conversation that you haven't done this and need some guidance.

Mrs "

I have been reading up and watched a little porn in it. It's one of those things that I get is hot but I just cringe when thinking of myself doing it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Thanks, whilst I obviously aware of BDSM I have no clue. Maybe it might be more fun learning about it with her. I will have to wait and see how it goes and see if it is a barrier.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

You've had a couple of dates and she's already trying to 'change' how you feel about certain sexual activities.

I'd suggest you ask her to slow down and back off. If a man said this to me after I'd said something didn't appeal to me I'd walk but you seem to be keen to try so I'll wish you luck

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By *andB130Couple
over a year ago

northampton

Communication is the key, maybe there is some common ground but nobody should be forced into something that don't want.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've had men say similar things to me and what you've written about her makes me nervous for you. BDSM above all requires trust. Do you trust her?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I've had men say similar things to me and what you've written about her makes me nervous for you. BDSM above all requires trust. Do you trust her? "

Yes I do. I have known her a while now. I just didn't expect that this was something she was in to and enjoys. When she had said things in the past I always took it as light banter but it turns out it wasn't. I'm just worried that it's not who I am. I'm willing to give it ago but really nervous.

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By *isfits behaving badlyCouple
over a year ago

Coventry

You need to be completely open with her and express your feeling on this. You maybe worried that this may wreck your chances with her and maybe it will. However it should be about both of your desires. You can't make something work that won't.

If your open with her you'll find where she stands too. Is her intrest in you enough to simply share an intimate encounter with you or is her main drive fulfilment of her BDSM desire. It's an opportunity to gauge your mutual ability to communicate clearly and openly together (which is so important in BDSM play anyways). It's an opportunity to see if there is any scope to slowly and playfully explore these things together and it be something you can grow and bond over (although that maybe beyond the level of personal involvement you're looking for). Afterall some women have really advanced ideas of fairly extreme play but actually have very little or no experience of it. So probably best to gauge what she actually knows and what her actual experience is. Fantasy and reality is different. It's fine her expecting extreme stuff but is she actually in the right place for that even if you where able to give it her?

Basically you need to get her to cool down and express clearly what you want and what you are happy with.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"You've had a couple of dates and she's already trying to 'change' how you feel about certain sexual activities.

I'd suggest you ask her to slow down and back off. If a man said this to me after I'd said something didn't appeal to me I'd walk but you seem to be keen to try so I'll wish you luck"

I am willing to try. Sometimes I find it quite thrilling to try something new or what I consider a little taboo. Other times I feel nervous because I feel I'm well out of my league when it comes to that type of sex.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've had men say similar things to me and what you've written about her makes me nervous for you. BDSM above all requires trust. Do you trust her?

Yes I do. I have known her a while now. I just didn't expect that this was something she was in to and enjoys. When she had said things in the past I always took it as light banter but it turns out it wasn't. I'm just worried that it's not who I am. I'm willing to give it ago but really nervous. "

She needs to be very sensitive to your concerns. I don't just mean in what she says, I'd pay more attention to what she does. I've known a few guys who've felt pushed into it and it never ends well. Take it steady.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"You need to be completely open with her and express your feeling on this. You maybe worried that this may wreck your chances with her and maybe it will. However it should be about both of your desires. You can't make something work that won't.

If your open with her you'll find where she stands too. Is her intrest in you enough to simply share an intimate encounter with you or is her main drive fulfilment of her BDSM desire. It's an opportunity to gauge your mutual ability to communicate clearly and openly together (which is so important in BDSM play anyways). It's an opportunity to see if there is any scope to slowly and playfully explore these things together and it be something you can grow and bond over (although that maybe beyond the level of personal involvement you're looking for). Afterall some women have really advanced ideas of fairly extreme play but actually have very little or no experience of it. So probably best to gauge what she actually knows and what her actual experience is. Fantasy and reality is different. It's fine her expecting extreme stuff but is she actually in the right place for that even if you where able to give it her?

Basically you need to get her to cool down and express clearly what you want and what you are happy with."

Thank you. I intend to talk to her again after work before the weekend. I have been reading some blogs about BDSM but like you said and a few others. I really need to talk to her about this. I will try but she needs to lead and show me.

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By *ubmissiveman2uMan
over a year ago

Cheshire

Try to embrace it ,go with the flow, keep to your limits, not heard yet, keep a mental note of things you liked and things you were uncomfortable with. Sit down and have the conversation BDSM is not all whips and chains, can be feathers and lace too ,try to enjoy it and most importantly have fun ??

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Try to embrace it ,go with the flow, keep to your limits, not heard yet, keep a mental note of things you liked and things you were uncomfortable with. Sit down and have the conversation BDSM is not all whips and chains, can be feathers and lace too ,try to enjoy it and most importantly have fun ??"

Is it ok if I was to send you a DM about this?

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By *ersiantugMan
over a year ago

Cardiff

I take it she is taking the domme role here? Or is she 'topping from the bottom' here - ie does she expect the dom role from you?

It's all about discussion, so I'm guessing she is planning to do that on the day. Obviously you need to be open in what you want here (and never ambiguous or 'over polite'). She might not be used to that I guess.

pt

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By *ensualMan
over a year ago

Sutton

These are my thoughts,others may have alternative views.

My first thought is whether your workplace permits colleague relationships. Even if it does, are you a manager or a in position of power. If so,I would be very wary.

Second you don't mention who is doing and who is receiving.

Third, (despite what porn shows and some swingers think) rough sex is not BDSM (not without a power dynamic), so if rough sex is what she wants you need to understand what in her view is permissable rough sex using adult language.

In regard to BDSM as others have pointed out this is a very wide field. So I would suggest that you are moving too fast.

You need to do the work on yourself as to whether this is what you want to do. Don't watch porn, there are good books, YouTube channels and blogs out there. I would suggest the BDS M Test to rate yourself.

You then need to do the work with her.

Like with rough sex you need to know in specifics, 1. What is on the table? There are list out on the net that contain a large range of bdsm acts which people can comment whether there are hard limits, soft limits and their experience of those acts.

You need to discuss those with her.

My own view is that BDSM is about connection and informed action.

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By *ersiantugMan
over a year ago

Cardiff


"These are my thoughts,others may have alternative views.

My first thought is whether your workplace permits colleague relationships. Even if it does, are you a manager or a in position of power. If so,I would be very wary.

Second you don't mention who is doing and who is receiving.

Third, (despite what porn shows and some swingers think) rough sex is not BDSM (not without a power dynamic), so if rough sex is what she wants you need to understand what in her view is permissable rough sex using adult language.

In regard to BDSM as others have pointed out this is a very wide field. So I would suggest that you are moving too fast.

You need to do the work on yourself as to whether this is what you want to do. Don't watch porn, there are good books, YouTube channels and blogs out there. I would suggest the BDS M Test to rate yourself.

You then need to do the work with her.

Like with rough sex you need to know in specifics, 1. What is on the table? There are list out on the net that contain a large range of bdsm acts which people can comment whether there are hard limits, soft limits and their experience of those acts.

You need to discuss those with her.

My own view is that BDSM is about connection and informed action.

"

I agree about rough sex, and apparently she said "light BDSM" (I missed the 'light') so this is a factor here I think.

Any guys looking to gauge what is ok in this area, don't *just* go with the woman completely (ie complete pre-discussion and no pushing remotely) - add your own brains. Don't do anything because it's trendy or because you think it's what 'real men' do.

pt

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By *ersiantugMan
over a year ago

Cardiff


"These are my thoughts,others may have alternative views.

My first thought is whether your workplace permits colleague relationships. Even if it does, are you a manager or a in position of power. If so,I would be very wary.

Second you don't mention who is doing and who is receiving.

Third, (despite what porn shows and some swingers think) rough sex is not BDSM (not without a power dynamic), so if rough sex is what she wants you need to understand what in her view is permissable rough sex using adult language.

In regard to BDSM as others have pointed out this is a very wide field. So I would suggest that you are moving too fast.

You need to do the work on yourself as to whether this is what you want to do. Don't watch porn, there are good books, YouTube channels and blogs out there. I would suggest the BDS M Test to rate yourself.

You then need to do the work with her.

Like with rough sex you need to know in specifics, 1. What is on the table? There are list out on the net that contain a large range of bdsm acts which people can comment whether there are hard limits, soft limits and their experience of those acts.

You need to discuss those with her.

My own view is that BDSM is about connection and informed action."

.

Advice from an actual dom here btw OP. pt

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By *ayd100Man
over a year ago

clitheroe

Take it like a man

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I thought I would give an update.

So what's been happening. We didn't meet up last night like we had arranged. She called it off and I'm not surprised by this. The other day she picked me up for work early and decided to pull into somewhere quiet. I thought it was just going to be a quick fumble and grope and off we go. That's untill she decided she wanted more than that and started taking both our trousers and pants off. This took me by surprise and let's say.... I couldn't immediately perform (so embarrassing) all I could think of is "is that a light" and "is someone coming".

We both laughed about the situation but I think she realised the kind of sex she is wanting is not naturally going to come from me.

I am content that she cancelled this weekend. I feel we both would have felt let down if we had gone through with it. We have talked it through and we are just going to remain friends and I'm happy with that.

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