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Slut shaming is certainly not anything new on here (or IRL), but it’s something I’ve never been able to reconcile in my mind. Actively pursuing sex with someone you have a deep dislike of and lack of respect for, is quite honestly both pathetic and baffling to me.
I know in many cases it’s just someone lashing out after rejection, and luckily my feelings can’t be hurt by a stranger online. To be clear, I am NOT talking about a “hi” “not interested” “fuck you slut” sort of exchange. I’m talking about prolonged conversation or an established connection that appears to be going well until something happens that prompts me to bow out, at which point they drop the mask.
It seems more and more of the people who are now joining Fab are not open-minded, sex-positive weirdos (my favourite!), but nasty, judgemental cuckoos in the nest, happy to pretend we’re on the same wavelength to get what they want, but deep down see me as beneath them.
I suppose I should be glad when this happens because it means that my gut instinct was correct, but I am finding it off-putting when it comes to meeting new people as I can’t help wondering if we are really like-minded or if I’m going to find out they were pretending to respect me all along. There are usually signs to watch out for, but I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been very surprised by some of the people who revealed themselves to be slut shamers.
Can anyone relate to this? Is it something we should just expect with the rise in popularity of this site and therefore dilution of “true” swingers and kinksters? (Example - saw a newbie yesterday calling someone out on his status for rejecting him as he was attached - “you can’t get on like that when you’re on a hook up site, get stuck in ffs” - Lord give me strength…)  | |||
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"Slut shaming and kink shaming are two big no's in the kink community. Anyone doing it is swiftly told the errors of their ways. " Hard agree! That’s my issue, having all these people who don’t get it but can sometimes be hard to tell apart from the rest  | |||
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"I think it's something we can expect, yes. Should we have to tolerate it? No. We've come a long way in terms of sexual liberation, but the idea that women are devalued by sexual interactions still has considerable cultural purchase. The fact that men seeking to have sex with women can't engage in this activity without being involved in what they deem as devaluing, is of no concern to them. They're fine, so fuck you (literally or otherwise)." Couldn’t agree with you more! I do actually have some pity for those individuals because like you say, they’re seeking out (often desperately) something that in their own minds is beneath them. Doesn’t sound like much fun to me. I’ll be happy being a slut way over here  | |||
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"I think it's something we can expect, yes. Should we have to tolerate it? No. We've come a long way in terms of sexual liberation, but the idea that women are devalued by sexual interactions still has considerable cultural purchase. The fact that men seeking to have sex with women can't engage in this activity without being involved in what they deem as devaluing, is of no concern to them. They're fine, so fuck you (literally or otherwise). Couldn’t agree with you more! I do actually have some pity for those individuals because like you say, they’re seeking out (often desperately) something that in their own minds is beneath them. Doesn’t sound like much fun to me. I’ll be happy being a slut way over here "I think it's even worse than that, they think that they're somehow better or at least not harmed by it, while women are harmed. If you believe that you're making women less valuable by doing this, then why are you doing it, and what does it say about you? (No, I don't believe that sexual contact makes women less valuable, but if men do believe that and they have casual sex with women, it does not speak well to their morals) | |||
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"I also think for many fab is just a pick up site and are disappointed when they get nowhere, also many use it for reasons other than meeting. The kink sites are having similar problems. Rather than being used by genuine kinksters, fab and kink sites are being used by those who have no understanding of why these sites were set up originally. But maybe that's evolution. " Yes I agree with you, I previously used a well known kink site and checked back in with it recently after some time out. Definitely experiencing the same problem of being flooded with people who are not of a similar ethos but seeking a means to an end. That is, getting THEIR end away  | |||
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"If you go in a club the guys can get creepy, and quickly form a sense of entitlement, over any girls in there it’s off putting. This is not all guys but an easy 70 percent, leave them long enough they hide in corners and fuck each other. In message coms they haven’t got that luxury to hand excuse the pun. " You mean the men hide in corners and fuck eachother? | |||
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"If you go in a club the guys can get creepy, and quickly form a sense of entitlement, over any girls in there it’s off putting. This is not all guys but an easy 70 percent, leave them long enough they hide in corners and fuck each other. In message coms they haven’t got that luxury to hand excuse the pun. You mean the men hide in corners and fuck eachother?" Absolutely | |||
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"It happens often. A lot of men (from my time on here) slut shake or shame in general) when they get rejected even if it's polite. " Oh yea absolutely, like I said in my post I’m certainly not suggesting it’s a new phenomenon or one I’ve never experienced. I just seem to be experiencing it much, much more recently and at times where it’s surprising me ie someone has “faked” a certain personality long enough that I think I’m in safe hands until BOOM - misogyny is back in the room 
Was chatting with a very well verified local guy yesterday who seemed great until he hit me with an unsolicited dick pic mid conversation which is a big no go for me. Politely said my goodbyes but didn’t immediately block like usual - came back later to him arguing with himself in my inbox including signing off with “I have better things to do than worry about silly little sluts on the internet.” Mate, you messaged me and you do seem pretty worried  | |||
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"From what you’ve described, this isn’t slut shaming (as I’ve seen it being done as a kink), this is just men raging and being nasty in any way they can, looking for your weak points because they have been rejected - and from the sounds of it, after some time interacting via multiple messaging where they are getting their hopes up and may have convinced themselves that you are well on the way to committing to have sex with them. I hope you use an anonymous message app and don’t share phone numbers and use WhatsApp/ text. The only way to deal is to block them asap and try not to think too much about the vitriol you received. I have been rejected after thinking that we had established a good rapport, shared face pics body shots etc. fun flirty messages that discussed where and when… only for something to trigger or change. I’m not going to lie, it smarts a bit, frustrating if a misread / unintentional slight has occurred and disappointing… but well adjusted types will suck it up and move on with an ‘okay, all the best’. " It is slut shaming that I’m describing. Slut shaming is not a kink - verbal humiliation &/or humiliation in which someone enjoys being called a slut is a kink, but that’s not the same thing as slut shaming which is what we are talking about here. I take your point but I think putting it down entirely to just men being nasty and looking for a weak spot is too simplistic and untrue in the majority of cases. It’s not a secret that society does have an issue with men who both desire women sexually yet resent their sexuality (see: Madonna-whore dichotomy). And I appreciate the concern but I’m not new to the game and very sensible in how I communicate  you can read in my post that I wasn’t asking for suggestions on how to deal with it, I was looking for open discussion with mainly women who can relate. | |||
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"i look at it as a blessing a filter for a easy block ... you dont have to go far to find shaming post on here some mild some bonkers and its not just men the amount of body shaming on here by other women is a problem normally on the big women are small women are post .... no shaming is right (unless unlawful stuff) " Amen re the blocking! I haven’t actually seen body shaming from women on here although I’m not surprised as I know it does happen… not good at all  | |||
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"I agree it’s got worse, I’ve been subject to similar, all going well, met up, chatting regular and then get hit with Andrew Tate vids and kicking off at me as I’d played with a married guy and let’s not forget I’m a slut cause I played with several guys at a swinging club when I could just settle down and be with him only. Doesn’t matter that he plays with married women, plays with more than 1 woman at a swinging club - he’s a man so it’s different. It’s a swinging site, what exactly do they think they will find on here? I always thought it was sexually liberated women who enjoy their sexuality to their best ability but it seems I was wrong "Bizarre isn’t it!? Like, you came here looking for something, you’ve found it, but now you’re mad about it, but still want it?  make it make sense…
Glad someone else agrees it’s definitely gotten worse as that was the overarching point of the thread. | |||
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"Yes it happens. I just leave them to deal with their shame ( because it’s their shame they’re trying to project onto you) all on their ownsome. Sad part of female fab life is men will tell all sorts of lies to have sex. Not all men though. We just have to wade through the dross to discover the rare gems." You’re absolutely right and that’s definitely the right attitude
All types of lies is right. Was chatting to a fella for a bit recently who seemed right up my street… until he revealed he had changed his message filters in order to contact me and was way outside of my preferred age range. Told me that he decided to do this because he “didn’t think the age difference was a big deal.” Nice of him to invite me in on that decision. | |||
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"I don't really care what they think. Unless they are stupid enough to tell me, then I cut all contact." Oh yea I do the exact same and I don’t care what they think either. I just resent wading through bitter posers looking for a like-minded freak. | |||
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"I don't really care what they think. Unless they are stupid enough to tell me, then I cut all contact. Oh yea I do the exact same and I don’t care what they think either. I just resent wading through bitter posers looking for a like-minded freak. " | |||
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"I think it's something we can expect, yes. Should we have to tolerate it? No. We've come a long way in terms of sexual liberation, but the idea that women are devalued by sexual interactions still has considerable cultural purchase. The fact that men seeking to have sex with women can't engage in this activity without being involved in what they deem as devaluing, is of no concern to them. They're fine, so fuck you (literally or otherwise). Couldn’t agree with you more! I do actually have some pity for those individuals because like you say, they’re seeking out (often desperately) something that in their own minds is beneath them. Doesn’t sound like much fun to me. I’ll be happy being a slut way over here
I think it's even worse than that, they think that they're somehow better or at least not harmed by it, while women are harmed.
If you believe that you're making women less valuable by doing this, then why are you doing it, and what does it say about you?
(No, I don't believe that sexual contact makes women less valuable, but if men do believe that and they have casual sex with women, it does not speak well to their morals)"It's the age old: people who have lots of casual sex partners, men - studs, women - sluts. OP, you'll find many people (in this case men) judge by their own yardstick. IE if they joined this site for any hole is a goal, then everybody is the same. How many times do we hear that this is a sex site... | |||
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"I had a few abusive guys when we first joined. We blocked single guys from that point. Recently we lifted the block to give meeting single men another go and the ones we chatted to have been great even if we declined a meet. We met a guy recently after the newport social and it was an amazing meet for all three of us. So not all guys get abusive as we can say again the ones we chatted to have been very respectful so far. Mrs" Aw that’s good, I’m glad you’re having a better time now certain not all guys get abusive, I’ve met lots of lovely men on here and had many more behave decently even if there wasn’t a connection. This was merely an observation. | |||
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"There's just a lot, a lot, of men in the world with serious small dick energy going on. Can be filed under that most of the time." Can file most things in life under that most of the time tbf | |||
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