FabSwingers.com forum: When an ex Swinging Wife starts cheating

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

We used to Swing, but stopped a while ago (before Covid). Lockdown was stressful because she was vulnerable. She was slow to get out & about again, but suddenly got 'her mojo back' and we went out more. Last month she went to a gathering of old friends & within days her behaviour completely changed. Cut a long story short I know she is cheating, but completely and aggressively denies it, even when the lies are highly implausible. Anyone else experienced this

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By *ischiefManaged69Couple
over a year ago

Preston

"We used to Swing, but stopped a while ago (before Covid). Lockdown was stressful because she was vulnerable. She was slow to get out & about again, but suddenly got 'her mojo back' and we went out more. Last month she went to a gathering of old friends & within days her behaviour completely changed. Cut a long story short I know she is cheating, but completely and aggressively denies it, even when the lies are highly implausible. Anyone else experienced this"

Seems like you're talking to the wrong people about this, it's a matter for you and your wife, not strangers on fab.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

You're right. Sorry to have asked

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its okay to post here for support...it must be an awful situation to be in. But I would urge you to speak to hear about how you see she has changed & what's going on. Something could have happened but it could be totally different to an affair, losing mojo & shutting down can be trauma related too. Or not, but communication or couples therapy could help. Take care op.

Sin xo

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By *iniskirtcoupleCouple
over a year ago

Lincoln + roadtrips

Not unusual.

I've known of people cheating in secret even though they have a free pass to play in a swinging scenario whenever and wherever they want.

I even knew a woman who met with a guy regularly behind her husband's back - even though he allowed her to meet guys alone.

When asked why she cheated on him when she could literally fuck anyone she wanted, as long as she was transparent about it - she replied she enjoyed the thrill of cheating, wanted to do stuff independently of her husband (to not be ruled by him, fair enough I guess) and was also worried her husband wouldn't want her to see the same guy regularly and put a stop to it (which indeed he did!).

For some people, understandably, a regular second-partner is a line crossed.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you. I shouldn't have posted, but wanted to know if anyone else had gone through it and how they put it right. This is not about revenge.

After years of complete openness my wife will absolutely not talk about it even though she knows I am a pretty liberal guy

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By *herryblossom_BJWoman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire

Will she see this thread if you're using your couple profile? Has she got her own profile?

People, especially in the swinging world has sexual needs and covid really created a great hindrance to our sexual lives. Communication is the key. Shame she felt she needed to do this behind your back, rather have a conversation where you both agreed she can go out and enjoy herself. It's the secrecy and lies that hurts. Not the sex

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By *apperleymanMan
over a year ago

Nottingham

"Not unusual.

I've known of people cheating in secret even though they have a free pass to play in a swinging scenario whenever and wherever they want.

I even knew a woman who met with a guy regularly behind her husband's back - even though he allowed her to meet guys alone.

For some people, understandably, a regular second-partner is a line crossed. "

Completely this ^^ for some it’s as much about the ‘thrill’ of cheating as it is the actual sex.. there’s a lot of cheating married blokes (and women) on this site for instance..

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By *ose-tinted GlassesMan
over a year ago

Glasgow / London

"It's the secrecy and lies that hurts. Not the sex"

I think that’s always the case, really.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

First thought, talk to your wife. Make it comfortable for her to speak.

Second thought, once you've put her at ease and enabled her to speak openly, FFS listen, properly listen, to what she has to say.

Third thought, is it a problem for you if she is?

Winston

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Thank you. I shouldn't have posted, but wanted to know if anyone else had gone through it and how they put it right. This is not about revenge.

After years of complete openness my wife will absolutely not talk about it even though she knows I am a pretty liberal guy"

Do you think that could be because she thinks what she says will hurt you or make you angry?

Refusing to talk is really unfair in my opinion and causes as much damage as saying things that might hurt.

I hope you can find a resolution

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I've tried having calm open discussions. Offered all sorts of concessions around different scenarios. She just will not open up. Just gets angry. Can see my pain & offers no sympathy. Quite the opposite. I have always listened to her (she has been the centre of my world) & encouraged her to be who she wants to be. Her happiness has always been my priority. This hurts. It's not about getting angry. It's about fearing I've lost something very precious and I don't know why. She doesn't need to cheat. Even if she said she wanted to cheat & she would keep that as her thing, but would always come home, I would go with it.

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
over a year ago

Leeds

"I've tried having calm open discussions. Offered all sorts of concessions around different scenarios. She just will not open up. Just gets angry. Can see my pain & offers no sympathy. Quite the opposite. I have always listened to her (she has been the centre of my world) & encouraged her to be who she wants to be. Her happiness has always been my priority. This hurts. It's not about getting angry. It's about fearing I've lost something very precious and I don't know why. She doesn't need to cheat. Even if she said she wanted to cheat & she would keep that as her thing, but would always come home, I would go with it. "

Are you 100% sure she's cheating? I mean if she is and getting angry from you asking then that's not right kinda gaslighting there.

Also you have a couple's profile, does she have access to it? Will she read your post?

Sounds like a difficult situation to be in, personally if you can't be open and honest with each other especially with this lifestyle I wouldn't see a future, I hate cheating.

Mrs

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

From a different perspective. My husband "knew" I was cheating, but I wasn't.

I won't ask for any more private details as I don't think it's appropriate to discuss this on here from your couples' account. Just be 100% you aren't accusing her of something she isn't doing.

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By *iniskirtcoupleCouple
over a year ago

Lincoln + roadtrips

Anger is often a symptom of guilt. But I'm guessing you realised that already.

The anger is often directed at you but actually the person is angry with themselves, because they know in their heart they've done the wrong thing.

I hope you sort it out - if it is any help, the couple I mentioned above in my post are still together - 20 years on. They talked through it all and came to a lasting arrangement that suited them both.

Which was basically: she could do what she wanted, when she wanted, with whoever she wanted - just as long as she didn't lie about it.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Based on the little we know and without hearing your wife's input I always think in a situation like this you need to protect yourself. I'm not sure how you do that because on the face of it this situation seems very unfair on you

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By *host63Man
over a year ago

Bedfont Feltham

[Removed by poster at 16/12/22 09:58:40]

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

100% sure. It is a couples profile, but she rarely looked at it and certainly not for about 3 years.

As someone said it's definitely not about the sex, it's the lying that hurts

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By *iniskirtcoupleCouple
over a year ago

Lincoln + roadtrips

"From a different perspective. My husband "knew" I was cheating, but I wasn't.

I won't ask for any more private details as I don't think it's appropriate to discuss this on here from your couples' account. Just be 100% you aren't accusing her of something she isn't doing.

Important point. 'Feeling' sure is different from being sure because of incontrovertible evidence. And people can also get angry from being wrongly accused.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Anger is often a symptom of guilt. But I'm guessing you realised that already.

The anger is often directed at you but actually the person is angry with themselves, because they know in their heart they've done the wrong thing.

Which was basically: she could do what she wanted, when she wanted, with whoever she wanted - just as long as she didn't lie about it."

That's encouraging. Thanks. I'd settle for that. Despite it all, I don't hate her. Just want to grow old with her

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"From a different perspective. My husband "knew" I was cheating, but I wasn't.

I won't ask for any more private details as I don't think it's appropriate to discuss this on here from your couples' account. Just be 100% you aren't accusing her of something she isn't doing.

This thought had also crossed my mind.

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By *iniskirtcoupleCouple
over a year ago

Lincoln + roadtrips

" Just want to grow old with her"

Have you told her exactly this?

I told my partner I wanted to be holding hands with her in the park when we were pensioners and she says it's the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to her!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

" Just want to grow old with her

Have you told her exactly this?

I told my partner I wanted to be holding hands with her in the park when we were pensioners and she says it's the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to her! "

I've always told her this. More so in the last few weeks

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By *ischiefManaged69Couple
over a year ago

Preston

There's a lot of people taking this at face value, when we have no idea about what has actually happened. This is 2 people's life. Its easy to offer advice from afar when we're not involved.

The absolute truth is that no one else is going to fix this, it'll come down to the OP and his wife talking. Nothing else will make any difference.

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By *herryblossom_BJWoman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire

"Anger is often a symptom of guilt. But I'm guessing you realised that already.

The anger is often directed at you but actually the person is angry with themselves, because they know in their heart they've done the wrong thing.

Which was basically: she could do what she wanted, when she wanted, with whoever she wanted - just as long as she didn't lie about it."

Yes plus them blaming you for "the things you done wrong that led them to cheat"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Yes. Communication is key. It has always been good until recently. But it has to be both ways. I'm sure we can fix this, so long as we are both open.

Thanks for all the advice. I just needed some ideas on what I can do to fix it, fixing it is possible and stop this constant feeling that I've lost her

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By *ackformore100Man
over a year ago

Tin town

For those saying talk to his wife. You're not listening. He's tried that. Perhaps a couples counsellor? I don't know op. But wish you the best of luck. Hopefully it's just a speed bump for you both. Covid responses really played with people's emotions for many people.

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By *penbicoupleCouple
over a year ago

Northampton

"They talked through it all and came to a lasting arrangement that suited them both.

Which was basically: she could do what she wanted, when she wanted, with whoever she wanted - just as long as she didn't lie about it."

I know a couple like this who reached an arrangement like that - and it destroyed any desire she had for swinging.

Without the thrill of cheating it just wasn't exciting for her.

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By *arkandlovelyWoman
over a year ago

South Derbyshire

"100% sure. It is a couples profile, but she rarely looked at it and certainly not for about 3 years.

As someone said it's definitely not about the sex, it's the lying that hurts"

What are you using this profile for, if your wife hasn't wanted to swing for several years?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"100% sure. It is a couples profile, but she rarely looked at it and certainly not for about 3 years.

As someone said it's definitely not about the sex, it's the lying that hurts

What are you using this profile for, if your wife hasn't wanted to swing for several years?"

Didn't say that. We agreed to keep it open, but hidden, in case we started again, but there has been very little activity. Mainly checking in for any messages.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Have you told her you're angry?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Have you told her you're angry?"

Not said that. Just that I'm worried sick something is wrong & that we can sort it out whatever it is because I don't want to lose her

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Have you told her you're angry?

Not said that. Just that I'm worried sick something is wrong & that we can sort it out whatever it is because I don't want to lose her"

Are you angry though?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Have you told her you're angry?

Not said that. Just that I'm worried sick something is wrong & that we can sort it out whatever it is because I don't want to lose her

Are you angry though?"

A bit, but panicky, disappointed, shocked, confused describes it better

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By *rontier PsychiatristMan
over a year ago

Coventry

That's rough and I feel for you. My ex wife lied about her cheating to me, even when things were implausible. She would get angry and make me feel so bad about not trusting her when I would call the stuff that didn't makes sense. She gaslighted me so bad I honestly thought I had gone mad and I felt so guilty.

But I knew deep down there was something going on. The change in attitude towards me, new secrecy around her phone, work courses and team building camps (she worked for a fast food chain in a basic role) and more frequent trips back to her home town. The final straw was noticing she was turning the dash cam off when she'd go to her home town and not turn it on again till she was leaving. Oldly enough suspiciously it would show her leaving town not from the direction of her parents house but from someone else's know to me. It was at this point I knew I wasn't going mad anymore. I was able from there to catch them at it. Not because I still needed proof but because she's such a prolific lier I needed to confront her in a situation where it would be impossible for her lie to my face about and make out I'm just so jealous nut (I quite the opposite).

Then she went on to project this all on to me and blame me. Even saying that I had created on her. I never had and that hurt me. My councilor later on told me when I said about that people who can't trust themselves can rarely trust others. Then when I wasn't buying it she tried to blame mental health and postnatal depression.

I tried to talk this through with her and save our young family unit and marriage. I wanted to understand her and go forward better. But she kept lying to me. Kepts trying to string me along with hope we'll work it out. But her continuous actions were saying something very different to her words. So I knew what had to be done and I had to be the one to take control, stop this madness and say its over, no more mind games. It was hard for me, I loved her.

It was heart breaking. The future I'd planned with our family destroyed. I felt so stupid, so low, so lost and mostly so confused. It took me to the darkest place in my life. I didn't want to leave the house or be around anyone. I'd lost all my confidence. And on top I was worried sick for the children (one toddler and baby a few months old). And I was scared to lose them. That at least wasn't the worse outcome as I literally ended up holding the baby. And having the kids was partly my salvation.

The more time away from her seeing the world with fress eyes the more I realised how manipulative and toxic she had been. I don't necessarily think consciously as such. I think she just has some serious personality traits or a personality disorder that makes her this way. But I do know this has been the best outcome for me, despite breaking up our family. I am now more comfortable in my own skin than every and have the love of an amazing fiancée. Life is good and I am more free than I've ever been.

I think people are human and mistakes are human. I think what's important going forward after a mistake is how the other person deals with their mistake. Do they own it, do they want to work towards a better situation. And likewise do you? Often when someone else makes a mistake it can be driven by an unhappiness they don't feel their able articulate or change. That's doesn't justify them but pragmatically both in a relationship need to feel themselves and partly the cause of their woes can unwittingly be you. My ex wife could not take ownership, blamed everyone else and continued to try and manipulate me. So we could never work it out. Maybe working out is right for you both, maybe it's not. But just to let you know if you can't there is life on the other side, there is a future going forward.

Take care

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Have you told her you're angry?

Not said that. Just that I'm worried sick something is wrong & that we can sort it out whatever it is because I don't want to lose her

Are you angry though?

A bit, but panicky, disappointed, shocked, confused describes it better"

Ok as I don't know your wife's view on this matter or her side of the story this is just based on what you've said here. All the time your wife won't talk you won't get to the bottom of this but are you 100% sure that your suspicions are correct? Is she refusing to talk to you because you're accusing her of something she hasn't done? What seems implausible to one person might be a perfectly rational explanation to others. I

*if* she's using the fact that you are clearly very keen to remain with her to just continue with whatever it is she's doing or you think she's doing perhaps you need to change how you're reacting to her

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By *arkandlovelyWoman
over a year ago

South Derbyshire

"100% sure. It is a couples profile, but she rarely looked at it and certainly not for about 3 years.

As someone said it's definitely not about the sex, it's the lying that hurts

What are you using this profile for, if your wife hasn't wanted to swing for several years?

Didn't say that. We agreed to keep it open, but hidden, in case we started again, but there has been very little activity. Mainly checking in for any messages."

Does she know you're still active on here (and presumably open to meeting somebody if you're checking messages)?

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By *iniskirtcoupleCouple
over a year ago

Lincoln + roadtrips

"They talked through it all and came to a lasting arrangement that suited them both.

Which was basically: she could do what she wanted, when she wanted, with whoever she wanted - just as long as she didn't lie about it.

I know a couple like this who reached an arrangement like that - and it destroyed any desire she had for swinging.

Without the thrill of cheating it just wasn't exciting for her."

Perhaps by then the swinging was already dying for her, and she was actually really just into cheating?

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By *ischiefManaged69Couple
over a year ago

Preston

"100% sure. It is a couples profile, but she rarely looked at it and certainly not for about 3 years.

As someone said it's definitely not about the sex, it's the lying that hurts

What are you using this profile for, if your wife hasn't wanted to swing for several years?

Didn't say that. We agreed to keep it open, but hidden, in case we started again, but there has been very little activity. Mainly checking in for any messages.

Does she know you're still active on here (and presumably open to meeting somebody if you're checking messages)?"

Things like this suggest it's not as cut and dried as it's been made out......

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By *ackformore100Man
over a year ago

Tin town

"100% sure. It is a couples profile, but she rarely looked at it and certainly not for about 3 years.

As someone said it's definitely not about the sex, it's the lying that hurts

What are you using this profile for, if your wife hasn't wanted to swing for several years?

Didn't say that. We agreed to keep it open, but hidden, in case we started again, but there has been very little activity. Mainly checking in for any messages.

Does she know you're still active on here (and presumably open to meeting somebody if you're checking messages)?

Things like this suggest it's not as cut and dried as it's been made out......"

How has it been made out to be cut and dried

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By *ischiefManaged69Couple
over a year ago

Preston

"100% sure. It is a couples profile, but she rarely looked at it and certainly not for about 3 years.

As someone said it's definitely not about the sex, it's the lying that hurts

What are you using this profile for, if your wife hasn't wanted to swing for several years?

Didn't say that. We agreed to keep it open, but hidden, in case we started again, but there has been very little activity. Mainly checking in for any messages.

Does she know you're still active on here (and presumably open to meeting somebody if you're checking messages)?

Things like this suggest it's not as cut and dried as it's been made out......

How has it been made out to be cut and dried "

Read the words in the initial post. And then the subsequent posts by the OP. All about the behaviour of the 'wife'. Until the last one where he's innocently checking messages on fab, while he's worried about his supposedly cheating wife?

All we know is what the OP is posting, and it sounds like horseshit. Could also all be true. Only the OP knows.

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By *arkandlovelyWoman
over a year ago

South Derbyshire

"100% sure. It is a couples profile, but she rarely looked at it and certainly not for about 3 years.

As someone said it's definitely not about the sex, it's the lying that hurts

What are you using this profile for, if your wife hasn't wanted to swing for several years?

Didn't say that. We agreed to keep it open, but hidden, in case we started again, but there has been very little activity. Mainly checking in for any messages.

Does she know you're still active on here (and presumably open to meeting somebody if you're checking messages)?

Things like this suggest it's not as cut and dried as it's been made out......

How has it been made out to be cut and dried

All we know is what the OP is posting, and it sounds like horseshit. Could also all be true. Only the OP knows."

Cheaters often project by levelling accusations at their partners.

Just sayin', obvs.

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By *andC1000Couple
over a year ago

Ashford

"It's the secrecy and lies that hurts. Not the sex

I think that’s always the case, really."

Exactly this

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By *penbicoupleCouple
over a year ago

Northampton

"All we know is what the OP is posting, and it sounds like horseshit TO ME."

Just corrected that for you.

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