FabSwingers.com forum: bdsm/kink and the issue of trust

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I realise that meeting someone for the time is always a risk and that maybe people who don't usually participate in the bdsm scene may not completely understand the issues with trust from a subs perspective?

I only feel comfortable being a sub in a full session if I trust the person in control of the scene. I feel the sub should be the one to set the limits and be able to stop the session if the limits are broken or they dont feel comfortable. I also think it can take a few less intense meetings to build up this level of trust.

This is only an issue I've had on fab, when arranging a meet I said I would do oral on the first meet and no anal, the response I got was along the lines of, if I want to fuck your ass I'll just take it by force. I reminded him that it would be rape, the reply I then got said, we'll see.

Has anyone else come across anything similar to this? What makes you trust someone enough for that first meet?

P.S. This is my first post, please be gentle

and sorry about the rambling on, just needed a little rant!!!

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

I think the trust can't be built up unless you really know that person...ie my partner.

If I was single and looking for BDSM I wouldn't be arranging it for the first meet.

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

Oh and welcome to the forums

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've a picture of me restrained on my friends only pics and when guys see that they instantly try to dom me. Not all of them but a fair proportion. I tell them that I have a dom who I do my d/s play with and that I don't need another. If they don't listen then they're blocked.

What that person said to you was tantamount to rape. I'd report and block if I was you.

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By *Brinksy xxWoman
over a year ago

Halesowen

Trust is the biggest issue, and to gain that trust you have to know more about the person, I think you have already sussed out the Dom players from what you believe to be a true dominant. Stick to your guns, don't lower your standards.

I like to chat to people online for a while first, see if there's a mutual attraction, I don't necessarily believe everything that is written as I have experience that alter egos play a big part in online sites like this. Chat on the phone, see if there's consistency. Arrange to meet socially, see if there's still the attraction.

Good luck though, I am still yet to meet a true dominant!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Firstly welcome to FORUMS slutslave ... we dont bite really....ok some might lol

BDSM is not something i have tried; but would agree that its all about trust and that trust needs to be earnt and not something you can do on first meeting; so mine and sure others on suggestion; is to chat by all means and explore what makes other person tick uderstand what their "verified" expereinces are ....there will be plenty who will pretend and only after one thing and thats us ass....so please be carefull; plenty of nutters around lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 19/11/12 12:05:09]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This really is not the appropriate site for BDSM.

There are so many liars, fakes and wannabes, not the mention the terrible people who read 50 shades.

Trust is absolutely key to a good D/s relationship, i would suggest you walk away! Once the trust is broken then it really is gone. You will struggle to trust that person again.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When I was single would not do any bdsm play on A first meet. Trust is essential on both sides Dom/me and sub.

Good luck , but maybe try some of the bdsm sites . Message me if you need information.

Good luck , have fun, keep safe

Angel x

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By *atasha_DavidCouple
over a year ago

Slough

If a potential Dom tells you he will not respect any limits you have placed, allow you pause and or stop words, or makes you feel in any way unsure of your safety in their company, walk away.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Think it is difficult to completely trust on a first meet, but I would never offer any kind of bdsm on a first meet, and probably not even a second, as I could not relax enough to submit and so the whole experience would be a let down.

I've tried bdsm sites and found there can be just as many fakes and time wasters on there as on here. All I'd advise is meet without the kink initially and if you are then happy to take it further then do so...with all your limits respected x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 19/11/12 13:19:46]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Crikey OP, if anyone says stuff like that, block and report them. That's horrible.

I think trust is a very big thing. Maybe meet someone and figure out if you get on and see how they treat you. If someone isn't respectful then they won't look after you when you're sub.

If I meet someone sub I always ask them what their boundaries are and agree in advance what kind of things we will do. It's important to me that they have fun, but also that I have fun too. I'd never treat anyone in a way that I wouldn't want to be treated myself.

Hope you find someone nice. x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Personally I think its how comfortable you feel about the person; on my third meet (second play meet) I allowed someone to tie me to the bed, totally felt that when I said enough, he would untie me and he did but there are others that I would never ever allow that or any kinky play with

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"This really is not the appropriate site for BDSM.

There are so many liars, fakes and wannabes, not the mention the terrible people who read 50 shades.

Trust is absolutely key to a good D/s relationship, i would suggest you walk away! Once the trust is broken then it really is gone. You will struggle to trust that person again.

We are not all dreadful people that read 50 shades, some of us found it the most dreadfully written dirge and skipped most of the pages because it was so boring

a definite reminder of why I cannot stand fiction

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We are far from classing ourselves as true BDSM players but agreed 50 Shades is tat

As for the OP. Walk away..... that kind of man has no place in your life

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By *ub bbwWoman
over a year ago

oldbury

We had a meet with a couple planned who told me on the phone he would be forcing me to do watersports and would also make Sir submit to him we just laughed and then avoided the couple in the club. Unfortunately when some people see the word sub they assume it means piece of crap to abuse and do with as they please. This is not the case with anyone who has full understanding of the wonderful gift of submission from sub to Dom. When I met Sir for the first time we talked about limits and safe words if he had not agreed on them I would have walked out. Its the only way to build trust talk and make sure your wishes are respected if they don't play by my rules they don't deserve my submission as the rules are there to keep me safe. I no longer play without Sir but even when meeting other people with him he ensures the rules are adhered to at all times. Good luck finding people who will treat you as you deserve keep looking there are plenty of wannabe doms on here but also some genuine ones.

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By *anSusieCouple
over a year ago

Midlothian

He obviously hasn't got a clue about BDSM.Stay well clear is my(fems)advise of anyone talking like that.

Its very easy to spot the fakers on here just by chatting or reading their profiles!

Most ppl we know who both swingers + kinksters are on both sites anyway,another sign as to how real they are

Oh and as to:if you into BDSM than this site isn't for you??....sorry don't get it: handcuffs are a form of Bondage + i bet more than 50% of Fabsters have tried it

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By *uteirishaWoman
over a year ago

ghost town

Firstly.. that guy is not a Dom..hes dangerous in my opinion..secondly..you are right..i also believe that the sub is the one who is ultimatly in control in a Dom/sub situation..you do need that kind of trust to be built up...as suggested, meet socially first..see where you go from there..be careful..as there are individuals who are fake and dont know what they are doing or have control of themselves..Im sure there would be plenty here that can advise you of proper Doms..Take care and stay safe!!..

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By *uteirishaWoman
over a year ago

ghost town

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I agree with Sub BBW... Dom/Sub is a wonderful thing when you find the right person.

People see Sub and instantly think your there to use and abuse!

I would report the guy and leave it at that.

Submission is not a sign of weakness its a sign of strenght, trust and respect for your Dom and for yourself.

I wouldnt meet anyone off here for BDSM play with the exception of one friend.

I found a great website if i remember it i will send it along to you OP.

It talks about cyber doms and bullying subs on the net.

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By *ir and Bi herCouple
over a year ago

Hebburn

"Firstly.. that guy is not a Dom..hes dangerous in my opinion..secondly..you are right..i also believe that the sub is the one who is ultimatly in control in a Dom/sub situation..you do need that kind of trust to be built up...as suggested, meet socially first..see where you go from there..be careful..as there are individuals who are fake and dont know what they are doing or have control of themselves..Im sure there would be plenty here that can advise you of proper Doms..Take care and stay safe!!.."
I totally agree with these comments there is a massive difference between a Dom and a bully, and all good BDSM play is carried out in a safe sane and consensual environment. Play safe and be safe xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

To be honest I think that I will never understand what I see as play subbing. This to me is subs that play with people in that sense that they do not really know

However in my experience this is because for me the sub should relinquish all control. Or to me it becomes to much of the sub having the power

I don't think that the op is being unreasonable about setting limits for first meets to be honest I advise the subs I mentor never to play on first meets.

To many seem to think being submissive makes you mindless fools that will do anything your told in the name of pleasing your dominant. Or confuse dominant with bully

It's about mutual pleasure and while yes much of what I did was with the idea of pleasing my former master it was never something we had not discussed

I do think though that submitting playfully maybe somewhat different.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

we would love to meet a couple to teach us the way

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By *teveanddebsCouple
over a year ago

Norwich

I think a lot of people get confused by the different terms as well, saying they are submissives when they really mean masochists or bottoms. It's a shame that IC is closing but there is still time for people to learn a lot from there.

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By *B9 QueenWoman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

Even in BDSM play it is meant to be mutual. Anyone who does not understand that is not even worth a message.

I like to play sub - but don't do pain. And I do that only with one person who I trust at the moment. Have done it with others but only at a superficial level and I did know and trust them, and had a few meets with them beforehand.

Absolutely no way would I endanger my safety with a total stranger no matter how much they assure me they are 'genuine' and can be 'trusted'. How the fuck would I know if they are or can be???

Bizarre that anyone would think differently.

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