FabSwingers.com forum: How do you know when it's over?

By *uriousscouser OP Woman
over a year ago

Wirral

I need to preface this by saying I can't take a hint and I over think everything, so I need some advice from more sensible people!

Normally when I'm in a FWB/FB arrangement with someone there comes a point when it's over, and there's usually a conversation around a change of circumstances, all very clear.

If things just drift, how do you know when things are over?

It's never been monogamous, but time between meets has drifted to three or four times longer than it used to be. Time between messages has gone from a few days to a few weeks. There's another FB who lives closer, who he sees far more often and it feels like he's distancing himself now.

Would you carry on messaging or does that sound a dead duck to you?

I don't want to be at all clingy (it was great fun while it lasted but I've no desire to hassle anyone who isn't interested), but I also don't want him to think that my interest has cooled if I'm just reading far too much into it.

Keep messaging or walk away?

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By *rucking-HellMan
over a year ago

Northampton

"Keep messaging or walk away?"

I think deep down you know.

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By *uriousscouser OP Woman
over a year ago

Wirral

"Keep messaging or walk away?

I think deep down you know. "

I genuinely don't. I'd like to keep messaging but I don't want to hassle if it's unwelcome and I'm rubbish at reading this stuff. This isn't a situation I've ever been in before, which is ridiculous at my age.

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By *he_Last_TitanMan
over a year ago

Bristol

I would leave it personally - particularly, if I was the one consistently initiating contact. Sometimes relationships just run their course and this is perhaps one of those times.

Good luck

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By *uriousscouser OP Woman
over a year ago

Wirral

"I would leave it personally - particularly, if I was the one consistently initiating contact. Sometimes relationships just run their course and this is perhaps one of those times.

Good luck"

Thank you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I may be wrong but this reads like you’re giving him all the control.

If you want it to continue or go back to where it was then discuss it with him.

You describe it as a FWB relationship but it sounds like you may want more?

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By *L9269Couple
over a year ago

Newport

Sounds like unfortunately thats its run its cause if they are distancing or ghosting and your the one doing all the work seems its a one way thing now so best thing is to wish them well and who knows maybe in the future you can pick it up again

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would just have a conversation with him about it. But then I like to keep things simple and find that trying to second guess people is too much hard work. Is there a reason why you can't/ don't want to?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We often over think overthinking but if there's a niggle telling us sonething, it's usually right. Everyone's level of contact is different, some people will message a lot, others can only check in now and again if you've already established a relationship. Just remember that they aren't obliged to message a lot or respond quickly, you aren't in a relationship so in that aspect it's needy. However, you also need to be on the same page about your expectations going forward.

Talk to them and be honest. When we come to our own conclusions, the outcome is usually negative.

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By *uriousscouser OP Woman
over a year ago

Wirral

"I may be wrong but this reads like you’re giving him all the control.

If you want it to continue or go back to where it was then discuss it with him.

You describe it as a FWB relationship but it sounds like you may want more? "

More FB than FWB. Neither of us are interested in more, but I don't want to be that irritating person who is still awkwardly messaging long after things have fizzled out.

I do also over think a lot of stuff, so there's every chance this is just me being me and he's carrying on completely oblivious!

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By *uriousscouser OP Woman
over a year ago

Wirral

"Sounds like unfortunately thats its run its cause if they are distancing or ghosting and your the one doing all the work seems its a one way thing now so best thing is to wish them well and who knows maybe in the future you can pick it up again "

No ghosting but there is some distance I think. Thank you for the advice.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Effort is both ways with a friend. (Or fab/fb) You might be like myself, I offer lots of friendliness, hoping to get the same in return, I often don’t get it, but it doesn’t stop me.

But you’ve now asked the question to all of us, and I think that’s because the penny is beginning to drop. We know when to take a hint also.

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By *uriousscouser OP Woman
over a year ago

Wirral

"I would just have a conversation with him about it. But then I like to keep things simple and find that trying to second guess people is too much hard work. Is there a reason why you can't/ don't want to?"

I don't want to look like it's sour grapes over the new FB (it's genuinely not, I am pleased for him!).

You're right about second guessing though, thanks.

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By *uriousscouser OP Woman
over a year ago

Wirral

"We often over think overthinking but if there's a niggle telling us sonething, it's usually right. Everyone's level of contact is different, some people will message a lot, others can only check in now and again if you've already established a relationship. Just remember that they aren't obliged to message a lot or respond quickly, you aren't in a relationship so in that aspect it's needy. However, you also need to be on the same page about your expectations going forward.

Talk to them and be honest. When we come to our own conclusions, the outcome is usually negative. "

That's the thing, I don't want to seem needy which is why I'm questioning my continuing to message.

He's not reacted negatively to messages but I'd rather not irritate if they aren't wanted.

Thank you, you raise some good points!

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By *uriousscouser OP Woman
over a year ago

Wirral

"Effort is both ways with a friend. (Or fab/fb) You might be like myself, I offer lots of friendliness, hoping to get the same in return, I often don’t get it, but it doesn’t stop me.

But you’ve now asked the question to all of us, and I think that’s because the penny is beginning to drop. We know when to take a hint also.

I never know when to take a hint

Fortunately I can take advice when offered, so it all works out!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Are you initiating contact every time? If so, it may have run its course. I'd leave it for the time being and if he pops into mind again later, message and see where things stand then.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Effort is both ways with a friend. (Or fab/fb) You might be like myself, I offer lots of friendliness, hoping to get the same in return, I often don’t get it, but it doesn’t stop me.

But you’ve now asked the question to all of us, and I think that’s because the penny is beginning to drop. We know when to take a hint also.

I never know when to take a hint

Fortunately I can take advice when offered, so it all works out!"

I hope you sort it out and get some clarity. If he is a friend. Just ask? I think I would if i wanted things to be on the level.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I may be wrong, but from reading the post and your replies it sounds like you might like him as more than a friend, even if you won’t admit it.

I’ve never counted the days between messages, or wondered why someone isn’t messaging, or pondered another’s love life - EXCEPT when I’ve had feelings for them.

Personally I’d cut contact to prevent the the situation stressing you out further.

A FB/FWB is meant to be casual with no pressure, expectations or emotion (imo).

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Morning, i have two fwb, one is happy for contact when ever, the second wants more contact, she will message daily, its not a issue to me but i can see how another fwb may be distracting him or taking up more of is time.

Personally i would be having that chat, if your happy to sit around and wait for him great if not, take control, let him know what you want.

I have several fwbs where it as now reverted to just freindship.

Like the rest of the advice on here if your asking the question, you may already know the answer.

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By *uriousscouser OP Woman
over a year ago

Wirral

"Are you initiating contact every time? If so, it may have run its course. I'd leave it for the time being and if he pops into mind again later, message and see where things stand then."

Not every time but in the last month yes. A break is good and will clarify things I think.

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By *uriousscouser OP Woman
over a year ago

Wirral

"I may be wrong, but from reading the post and your replies it sounds like you might like him as more than a friend, even if you won’t admit it.

I’ve never counted the days between messages, or wondered why someone isn’t messaging, or pondered another’s love life - EXCEPT when I’ve had feelings for them.

Personally I’d cut contact to prevent the the situation stressing you out further.

A FB/FWB is meant to be casual with no pressure, expectations or emotion (imo)."

No, FB is all I'm up for. I do like him and I've had great fun, but not looking for anything more than occasional get-togethers (and only those if he's enthusiastically interested!).

I'm not counting the days as such, but then I realise I haven't heard in a while and send a telegram message and the gaps in messages become obvious.

I think a break from messaging will clarify, either way.

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By *opsy RogersWoman
over a year ago

London

Send a message and ask!

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By *uriousscouser OP Woman
over a year ago

Wirral

"Morning, i have two fwb, one is happy for contact when ever, the second wants more contact, she will message daily, its not a issue to me but i can see how another fwb may be distracting him or taking up more of is time.

Personally i would be having that chat, if your happy to sit around and wait for him great if not, take control, let him know what you want.

I have several fwbs where it as now reverted to just freindship.

Like the rest of the advice on here if your asking the question, you may already know the answer. "

Thank you.

It's always been casual, it's never been daily messages or offense if conversations drop off.

It's just finding that balance between "here's some contact to let you know I'm interested if you ever fancy meeting up in future" and "I'm turning bunny boiler and I'm going to keep sending messages for the next 18 months because I don't know when to stop flogging a dead horse".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Personally i would be having that chat, if your happy to sit around and wait for him great if not, take control, let him know what you want.

I have several fwbs where it as now reverted to just freindship.

Like the rest of the advice on here if your asking the question, you may already know the answer.

Thank you.

It's always been casual, it's never been daily messages or offense if conversations drop off.

Personally id be taking a break from him, maybe find yourself another distraction of your own.

A freind of mine was ghosted by one of her fwb's she was more upset that he didnt have the courage to say things had changed. She would of happily stayed as friends.

Time to move on I think, but ultimately only you will know that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't want to look like it's sour grapes over the new FB (it's genuinely not, I am pleased for him!).

You're right about second guessing though, thanks."

I meant have a conversation about how things are with you no need to mention anyone else. But from here it sounds like the new FB is the issue though.

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By *uriousscouser OP Woman
over a year ago

Wirral

Personally i would be having that chat, if your happy to sit around and wait for him great if not, take control, let him know what you want.

I have several fwbs where it as now reverted to just freindship.

Like the rest of the advice on here if your asking the question, you may already know the answer.

Thank you.

It's always been casual, it's never been daily messages or offense if conversations drop off.

Personally id be taking a break from him, maybe find yourself another distraction of your own.

A freind of mine was ghosted by one of her fwb's she was more upset that he didnt have the courage to say things had changed. She would of happily stayed as friends.

Time to move on I think, but ultimately only you will know that.

We do both have others, but I think you're right, a break from messaging would be a good idea. If they were welcome then at some point I'm sure I'll hear from him, and if I don't hear then they were clearly not wanted and things have come to a natural end. Thank you for the advice.

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By *heRazorsEdgeMan
over a year ago

Wales/ All over UK

I’ve had a look through the thread and rather than seeing you as wanting more than a FB/FWB relationship I think you genuinely just don’t want to be seen as clingy or a hassle, but also want to feel desired rather than possibly a back up choice.

Ultimately the best idea in this situation is for you to have this conversation with him.

As you say, he may be completely oblivious to anything being different to before, or conversely he could be limiting contact because he’s wanting an end to the arrangement without actually having to confront a potentially difficult chat.

If you genuinely ask the question while emphasising that you’re not going bunnyboiler, he’s more likely to be completely honest.

Good luck!

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By *uriousscouser OP Woman
over a year ago

Wirral

"I’ve had a look through the thread and rather than seeing you as wanting more than a FB/FWB relationship I think you genuinely just don’t want to be seen as clingy or a hassle, but also want to feel desired rather than possibly a back up choice.

Ultimately the best idea in this situation is for you to have this conversation with him.

If you genuinely ask the question while emphasising that you’re not going bunnyboiler, he’s more likely to be completely honest.

Good luck!"

Thank you, that is good advice!

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