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 ) and end up making excuses not to meet
I know this is something I should work out in therapy however I am already in therapy for some other issues so 1, I don't want to switch my focus with my therapist and 2, I don't want to get a 2nd therapist
I did intend to just grab the bull by the horns and throw myself in the deep end but on the flip side I wouldn't want to put anyone in a difficult situation
Anyone other ladies experienced this? If so what did you do?
I've been ignoring it for a while but it's just not a life I want to live any more
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"So I am on fab mainly to meet men as I don't date men in real life. Due to previous experiences from a child up until a few years ago I've had very very negative experiences with men, which has put me in a position where I'm just so uncomfortable being around them. I've been on and off here for approximately 4/5 years now and when I first joined I was ok, just a little uncomfortable and it take quite a while for me to warm upto men but that being said I still dated men in real life which may have had something to do with it? Lately I speak to men on here with the intention of meeting and as the time and date gets closer I get scared (dramatic I know ) and end up making excuses not to meet
I know this is something I should work out in therapy however I am already in therapy for some other issues so 1, I don't want to switch my focus with my therapist and 2, I don't want to get a 2nd therapist
I did intend to just grab the bull by the horns and throw myself in the deep end but on the flip side I wouldn't want to put anyone in a difficult situation
Anyone other ladies experienced this? If so what did you do?
I've been ignoring it for a while but it's just not a life I want to live any more
(Please ignore spelling/grammar mistakes) "I definitely have. I’m far from confident and often feel like I wouldn’t be what someone would want so create that story on my head then a ‘reason’ that I can’t meet. I have a horrific dating/relationship history (basically single and non-dating most of my life) as I haven’t had great experiences from men I’ve met previously and set myself up to expect rejection so it just seems easier to not bother trying in the first place. It’s not something I’d want therapy for as I’m not wanting to unlock that level of vulnerability. Serves as a bit of a self preservation mechanism across the rest of my life (which is now in a good place). I don’t really have any advice other than to maybe arrange socials like I try to. And then see how you feel. x | |||
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"Sorry to hear you are struggling with this. Sucks! I had to go through a long process to be able to enjoy sex again after an abusive relationship. After a few years of no sex at all, a fantastic friend offered support and we worked on intimacy together - first cuddling, then making out and gradually moving onto other things, always stopping when I started freaking out. It took about 6 months before I could properly enjoy sex again, and a year or so for the flashbacks to stop completely. Do you have any friends who are patient and level headed who could do this for you? You mentioned you get scared when meeting men, and I noticed your profile says you are Bisexual. Do you have the same experience with women? If not, maybe meeting a couple and initially only playing with the female half would help? Once you are more comfortable with them, you could invite the mr to be more involved. How would it feel to meet someone for a cuddle session instead of for sex? You could let one of your contacts know that you arent feeling up for playing, but you would really enjoy massaging each other and cuddling together? Maybe after a non-sexual meet, you would feel safer with that person? You could meet a professional cuddler or a sex worker and explore intimacy with them? Just throwing out ideas here! Instead of making random excuses, try telling people that you have had bad experiences in the past and are having an anxiety attack so are gonna have to postpone. The good guys will be grateful that you have been honest with them and will tell you to take all the time you need and to let them know if theres anything they can do to make you feel more comfortable. The bad ones will be annoyed and try to push you to meet anyway (block!!) Maybe their reponses would help you figure out who you want to meet in the future and the good ones might make you feel more secure about meeting the next timd? Good luck, there are no easy answers here. Youve just gotta do what feels right to you. Dont beat yourself up. Youre doing fine xx " Thank you for this. Unfortunately while I do have male friends no one that I would feel comfortable doing this with and on the flip side I also wouldn't feel comfortable meeting a man with the intention of just cuddling because I know there's probably a 99% he would agree to cuddling and then try and push for something more. I have also tried the whole 'be honest with potential meets' thing as well with one guy and he appreciated my honesty so much that he reciprocated it with his own honesty and admitted that he had actually lied about being single and he was actually in a relationship which put me 10 steps backwards lol
Since that I've been very very reluctant to even start any chats because (while I know its not all men) I kinda feel like most men on here have girlfriends and thus are not interested in building up a 'relationship' (sexual relationship, not a girl/boy friend relationship) with me.
I don't have the same issue with women and while alot of couples say they are happy for the women to play alone when it comes down to it their version of 'alone' usually involves the male watching. | |||
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"I suppose it’s naive of me as a guy to assume that only guys like me are nervous of meeting and women are always brimming with confidence as they can always choose and fire their bfs at will as they’ll always be plenty more guys for them to choose from. So it’s a lesson to us guys to read this. Thank you for being brave enough to share your vulnerability in this area. I’m very sorry you are suffering in the way you are and I’d like to make an unqualified apology for all the members of my sex who cause your discomfort or bad experiences with men. Some of us were brought up to be nice to women but I know that’s not universal. I still remember my shock at a Greek friend of mine at uni who used to say ‘All girls are for in life is to get their pussies fucked. Their sole purpose! Just for me to fuck them!’ I was like ‘What fucking planet or century are you living in?’ He really was that misogynistic! It was horrible! Funnily enough though, I never remember him actually having a girlfriend - I think they all figured him out and ran away fast! I wish all the best to all of you ladies and wish you happiness and that you find men you really want and deserve! If you don’t at first succeed, keep trying! Us guys aren’t all bad - honestly! " It doesn't even make sense that men would think that all women on here are brimming with confidence when it comes to meeting men from here. In this world where most women have been r'ped and/or sexually assaulted it's safe to say that there are probably more women worried about meeting men on here than the other way around. The fact that there are more men that women on here doesn't mean its more safe for women to meet | |||
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" In this world where most women have been r'ped and/or sexually assaulted it's safe to say that there are probably more women worried about meeting men on here than the other way around. The fact that there are more men that women on here doesn't mean its more safe for women to meet " The first part of this does not sit well with me at all. It doesn't sound like meeting men on a very casual basis is something you should do, given how you feel and I don't know why you'd want to push yourself to do that | |||
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" In this world where most women have been r'ped and/or sexually assaulted it's safe to say that there are probably more women worried about meeting men on here than the other way around. The fact that there are more men that women on here doesn't mean its more safe for women to meet The first part of this does not sit well with me at all. It doesn't sound like meeting men on a very casual basis is something you should do, given how you feel and I don't know why you'd want to push yourself to do that " May I respectfully agree with this last post? If you have well-founded trust issues such as these may I suggest that you consider relying on established close real-world friends to recommend guys they know and trust to you. Or look for guys with trustworthy veris here. I guess it’s a bit like looking for a builder who won’t rip you off or mess up the work - you do your due diligence by asking people you trust to recommend people they trust. Don’t just dive into a shark tank! Hope you have more positive experiences in the future! | |||
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" In this world where most women have been r'ped and/or sexually assaulted it's safe to say that there are probably more women worried about meeting men on here than the other way around. The fact that there are more men that women on here doesn't mean its more safe for women to meet The first part of this does not sit well with me at all. It doesn't sound like meeting men on a very casual basis is something you should do, given how you feel and I don't know why you'd want to push yourself to do that May I respectfully agree with this last post? If you have well-founded trust issues such as these may I suggest that you consider relying on established close real-world friends to recommend guys they know and trust to you. Or look for guys with trustworthy veris here. I guess it’s a bit like looking for a builder who won’t rip you off or mess up the work - you do your due diligence by asking people you trust to recommend people they trust. Don’t just dive into a shark tank! Hope you have more positive experiences in the future! " Yeah I only meet men on here who are well verified for this exact reason | |||
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"I’m a trauma survivor too. I’m compatible with less than 1% of men, and it’s really easy for someone to turn me off with pushy or entitled behaviour. The club scene works well for me. You can learn a lot about someone’s attitudes to consent and autonomy if you meet them in that kind of environment, and it helps me bypass the process of building trust. Learning to have a healthy relationship with a man after trauma and abusive relationships is hands down the hardest thing I’ve ever done though. I’ve had to take it very slowly and build trust very gradually. I’ve also had good luck with established swingers, those who have been around for a decade or more and have a very strong sense of them-self and their boundaries. I do really well with people who prioritise autonomy - both theirs and mine - and would never expect anything of me we hadn’t talked about. There have been times when I’ve chosen to play in survival mode, and pushed myself to do things that scared me, and I wonder if this is maybe what you’re trying to do? Be gentle with yourself, please? There’s nothing wrong with pushing yourself, but don’t criticise yourself when you get scared. Sex with someone new is inherently kind of scary, especially after trauma. I don’t know what your counselling looks like, but I took half an hour to dump this on my counsellor, and then another fifteen minutes every month or two to reflect. Bringing it up was really hard, though, because it felt…frivolous?…compared to some of the stuff we were working through." I have been to a club as part of couple a long time ago and did enjoy it But as a single woman how do you know who you can and can't trust without getting to know them beforehand? | |||
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"I’m a trauma survivor too. I’m compatible with less than 1% of men, and it’s really easy for someone to turn me off with pushy or entitled behaviour. The club scene works well for me. You can learn a lot about someone’s attitudes to consent and autonomy if you meet them in that kind of environment, and it helps me bypass the process of building trust. Learning to have a healthy relationship with a man after trauma and abusive relationships is hands down the hardest thing I’ve ever done though. I’ve had to take it very slowly and build trust very gradually. I’ve also had good luck with established swingers, those who have been around for a decade or more and have a very strong sense of them-self and their boundaries. I do really well with people who prioritise autonomy - both theirs and mine - and would never expect anything of me we hadn’t talked about. There have been times when I’ve chosen to play in survival mode, and pushed myself to do things that scared me, and I wonder if this is maybe what you’re trying to do? Be gentle with yourself, please? There’s nothing wrong with pushing yourself, but don’t criticise yourself when you get scared. Sex with someone new is inherently kind of scary, especially after trauma. I don’t know what your counselling looks like, but I took half an hour to dump this on my counsellor, and then another fifteen minutes every month or two to reflect. Bringing it up was really hard, though, because it felt…frivolous?…compared to some of the stuff we were working through. I have been to a club as part of couple a long time ago and did enjoy it But as a single woman how do you know who you can and can't trust without getting to know them beforehand?" Have you considered having a meeting where the man is willing to have his hands tied, so anything that happens is on your terms, from sex to just chatting about the weather. He puts his trust in you as a matter of faith and you proceed as you wish | |||
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"I’m a trauma survivor too. I’m compatible with less than 1% of men, and it’s really easy for someone to turn me off with pushy or entitled behaviour. The club scene works well for me. You can learn a lot about someone’s attitudes to consent and autonomy if you meet them in that kind of environment, and it helps me bypass the process of building trust. Learning to have a healthy relationship with a man after trauma and abusive relationships is hands down the hardest thing I’ve ever done though. I’ve had to take it very slowly and build trust very gradually. I’ve also had good luck with established swingers, those who have been around for a decade or more and have a very strong sense of them-self and their boundaries. I do really well with people who prioritise autonomy - both theirs and mine - and would never expect anything of me we hadn’t talked about. There have been times when I’ve chosen to play in survival mode, and pushed myself to do things that scared me, and I wonder if this is maybe what you’re trying to do? Be gentle with yourself, please? There’s nothing wrong with pushing yourself, but don’t criticise yourself when you get scared. Sex with someone new is inherently kind of scary, especially after trauma. I don’t know what your counselling looks like, but I took half an hour to dump this on my counsellor, and then another fifteen minutes every month or two to reflect. Bringing it up was really hard, though, because it felt…frivolous?…compared to some of the stuff we were working through. I have been to a club as part of couple a long time ago and did enjoy it But as a single woman how do you know who you can and can't trust without getting to know them beforehand? Have you considered having a meeting where the man is willing to have his hands tied, so anything that happens is on your terms, from sex to just chatting about the weather. He puts his trust in you as a matter of faith and you proceed as you wish" No this wouldn't interest me at all I don't want to know that the reason things are happening on my terms is because he's tied up | |||
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