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What would you do?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

We are now in a quandry as to whether to stay on here, hide our profile or delete it completely.

We are a very discreet couple who only accept a friends invite once we have actually met someone. We will exchange facial pictures firstly but only ever attached to a message.

We have now been contacted by someone who we have said no thanks to because they were to young for us and were to near to where we live.

But they now know who we are because they have been shown our pictures by "a mutual friend". Whoelse has this person shown our pictures to? Whoelse knows what we do privately where we live?

Discretion is a very big thing for us as it will be to most people on here. We just feel completely betrayed and unsure now.

How would you deal with this situation? What advise can you give us?

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By *reelove1969Couple
over a year ago

bristol

if u have been as careful as u say u have about ur personal information then I would be most surprised if they have been shown any information regarding u both .. have they relayed any personal information to u or have they just said that they have access to it ??

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

How do you know they've seen you? How can you have a mutual friend if you're not friends?

Hard to advise with such scant information.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"if u have been as careful as u say u have about ur personal information then I would be most surprised if they have been shown any information regarding u both .. have they relayed any personal information to u or have they just said that they have access to it ??"

He said that he was _iewing our pictures on the other persons computer who we are friends with. He even said about talking to us next time he saw us at the local school and mentioned it by name.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"How do you know they've seen you? How can you have a mutual friend if you're not friends?

Hard to advise with such scant information."

He was _iewing our pics on the person we are friends with's computer. He even said he lived in the same place and would say hello when he next saw us at the local school.

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By *teveanddebsCouple
over a year ago

Norwich

Why don't you just block him?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We have something similar with an old fb on here.

He quite happily sends old pics of us to anybody.

We have had a few local people to us contact us saying they have been sent our pics.

Wouldn't mind so much but the reason we don't do local is we don't want to be recognised at the school gate

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We had a similar thing said to us about school. Report him and block him.

Threatening to take anything from this site anywhere near your kids is completely inappropriate and very wrong.

xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I guess where he's concerned the cat is out of the bag, it depends on how much of a tool he is if he ever bumps into you locally. Hopefully he's has less bravado face to face.

I'd ask your "friend" to take your pics off their pc and change your private pics to be less revealing of your true identity, if you want to protect your identity that is.

Also, it may be best to only play outside your local area.

If it's any consolation, I lived in a small village and had someone I really didn't want to set eyes on ever again living there too, we crossed paths once in about 12 years, so it may never be an issue.

To quote someone famous "I've had many scary experiences in my life, the majority of which never ended up happening"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"How do you know they've seen you? How can you have a mutual friend if you're not friends?

Hard to advise with such scant information.

He was _iewing our pics on the person we are friends with's computer. He even said he lived in the same place and would say hello when he next saw us at the local school."

This is one of the main reasons we do NOT display our friends list on our profile. When I first looked into listing on Fabs, there happened to be a forum thread on almost the same subject (someone had been 'testing' someone via their displayed friends and veris) and for that reason, I set our privacy to not show our friends list, and we only show a small range of veris - just enough so someone can make a judgement-call about us.

As for what has happened to the OP, all I can suggest is getting on to the 'friend' who allowed this person to _iew your pics and ask why, report them too, and block them. Unfortunately the words horse, gate and bolted come to mind...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

People who do this sort of thing are ridiculous.

Have you spoken to your mutual friend about it? I would never let someone browse using my login and certainly never share other people's photos, it shows a total lack of respect.

I've found the best way to deal with unwanted communication is to politely say you don't want any further messages and to ignore any they send. They usually get bored and stop looking for attention from you.

If they do keep being a nuisance or make threats, you could approach the police as its harassment. It sounds scary/embarrassing but from personal experience I can say the police were brilliant and sorted it out within an hour.

Hope this helps x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When you say a mutual friend has shown this person your pics as they know you I'm assuming you mean someone you know in real life? Who you have shown your pics to and they have shown other people you know?

If that's the case what good will leaving home site do, they already know now

Naughty thing do I agree but you can't change what's happened now

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By *eeriseWoman
over a year ago

Manchester and that's all you need to know

This is the same reason why I don't have anyone on my friends list and I have all my pictures hidden.

I have only shown my full face to the person I went on a meet with and that was when I saw him on cam.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"if u have been as careful as u say u have about ur personal information then I would be most surprised if they have been shown any information regarding u both .. have they relayed any personal information to u or have they just said that they have access to it ??

He said that he was _iewing our pictures on the other persons computer who we are friends with. He even said about talking to us next time he saw us at the local school and mentioned it by name."

Someone else said it best, if they know who you are then they know who you are. Deleting your profile or hiding everything now isn't going to change the fact that they know who you are. If they do approach you at the school gate, you'll have to tell them in no uncertain terms that its not appropriate behaviour in the first place, but at the school gate even less so.

Unless they have really brass neck, they'll probably brick it at bringing the subject up in front of you.

Sorry this has happened but its the dangers of being on a site like this. Happens to us all.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Why don't you just block him?"

How can we block someone when we don't know who it was. It's not the guy who contacted us that is in the wrong (although he is partially) it's the so called friend that showed our pictures to someone without our consent.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"We have something similar with an old fb on here.

He quite happily sends old pics of us to anybody.

We have had a few local people to us contact us saying they have been sent our pics.

Wouldn't mind so much but the reason we don't do local is we don't want to be recognised at the school gate "

Exactly, and that is where the new guy said he was going to say hello, in the school playground when he next collected his little girl. You just don't need it do you.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I guess where he's concerned the cat is out of the bag, it depends on how much of a tool he is if he ever bumps into you locally. Hopefully he's has less bravado face to face.

I'd ask your "friend" to take your pics off their pc and change your private pics to be less revealing of your true identity, if you want to protect your identity that is.

Also, it may be best to only play outside your local area.

If it's any consolation, I lived in a small village and had someone I really didn't want to set eyes on ever again living there too, we crossed paths once in about 12 years, so it may never be an issue.

To quote someone famous "I've had many scary experiences in my life, the majority of which never ended up happening""

But we don't know who the so called friend is. They haven't had the decency to tell us it was them and apologise.

We also live in a small village community and we don't meet local people for the same reason as you.

If only we knew who it was it could save a lot of hassle.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"How do you know they've seen you? How can you have a mutual friend if you're not friends?

Hard to advise with such scant information.

He was _iewing our pics on the person we are friends with's computer. He even said he lived in the same place and would say hello when he next saw us at the local school.

This is one of the main reasons we do NOT display our friends list on our profile. When I first looked into listing on Fabs, there happened to be a forum thread on almost the same subject (someone had been 'testing' someone via their displayed friends and veris) and for that reason, I set our privacy to not show our friends list, and we only show a small range of veris - just enough so someone can make a judgement-call about us.

As for what has happened to the OP, all I can suggest is getting on to the 'friend' who allowed this person to _iew your pics and ask why, report them too, and block them. Unfortunately the words horse, gate and bolted come to mind...

"

If only we knew who it was. They haven't even contacted us to apologise about the incident.

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By *erks_VoyeurMan
over a year ago

Reading

Hopefully the fella isn't a total dick and if you contact him explaining that he should never have seen your pics he'll understand.

Explain that you'd rather not say hello at the school.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"People who do this sort of thing are ridiculous.

Have you spoken to your mutual friend about it? I would never let someone browse using my login and certainly never share other people's photos, it shows a total lack of respect.

I've found the best way to deal with unwanted communication is to politely say you don't want any further messages and to ignore any they send. They usually get bored and stop looking for attention from you.

If they do keep being a nuisance or make threats, you could approach the police as its harassment. It sounds scary/embarrassing but from personal experience I can say the police were brilliant and sorted it out within an hour.

Hope this helps x"

We don't know who the mutual friend is, he wouldn't say who it was and he hasn't got the nerve to come and apologise to us. It's easy to act when you know who it is but without that knowledge, you're stumped.

But what we need to know is if there is anyone else that they have shown our pictures to. It's ruined it for us as far as we are concerend. Who can you trust now?

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By *riendly foeWoman
over a year ago

In a crisp poke on the A814

Not much you can do about it now....

Remove ALL friends and carry on

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"When you say a mutual friend has shown this person your pics as they know you I'm assuming you mean someone you know in real life? Who you have shown your pics to and they have shown other people you know?

If that's the case what good will leaving home site do, they already know now

Naughty thing do I agree but you can't change what's happened now "

It's a friend on here as they are the only ones who have access to our pictures on here.

The problem was that the other guy was saying about talking to us in the school playground. We don't want that and we're pretty sure that most people on here wouldn't want that.

This is supposed to be our private life - ours, not for someone else to show our stuff around, that's our decision not anyone elses.

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By *issBehavingxxWoman
over a year ago

Glasgow

I'd be blocking and reporting the so called friend who allowed someone else access to their profile and therefore all of their friends info

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

[Removed by poster at 23/10/12 14:33:32]

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"if u have been as careful as u say u have about ur personal information then I would be most surprised if they have been shown any information regarding u both .. have they relayed any personal information to u or have they just said that they have access to it ??

He said that he was _iewing our pictures on the other persons computer who we are friends with. He even said about talking to us next time he saw us at the local school and mentioned it by name.

Someone else said it best, if they know who you are then they know who you are. Deleting your profile or hiding everything now isn't going to change the fact that they know who you are. If they do approach you at the school gate, you'll have to tell them in no uncertain terms that its not appropriate behaviour in the first place, but at the school gate even less so.

Unless they have really brass neck, they'll probably brick it at bringing the subject up in front of you.

Sorry this has happened but its the dangers of being on a site like this. Happens to us all."

But it's not just about the guy in our village. Why has someone else been showing our pictures to him? Who are they to decide that he can see our pictures? That should be our decision and our decision alone.

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

I am sorry to read this and hope it works out for you...

I often read posts where people speak up on behalf of people they know on line, they say stuff like 'he/she is a good person, we have exchanged messages a lot'.......

in reality, you may know fuck all about the person and more about their on line persona.... not always the same in reality.

labelling them 'friends' by pressing an icon guarantees nothing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Report the guy and block him

Explain to your friends what you are about to do and why

Delete all your friends

Remove any pics you do have into private

Delete any face pics and upload new ones

Change your profile name

Only put new pics into public galleries

Stay around

Keep smiling

Hold your necks up high and if Mr Clever Dick does make his presence known physically, play him at his own game.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Hopefully the fella isn't a total dick and if you contact him explaining that he should never have seen your pics he'll understand.

Explain that you'd rather not say hello at the school.

"

We've done that with the guy, What we don't like is that we have a person or persons on our friends list that has shown our pictures to someone without our prior knowledge. Why should they be allowed to get away with that? It's not for them to decide who sees our pictures, that's our decision and our decision alone. They haven't even got the nerve to contact us and apologise for the problem that they have caused.

So how do you know who you can trust? We thought we were safe with who we had on our friends list.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I am sorry to read this and hope it works out for you...

I often read posts where people speak up on behalf of people they know on line, they say stuff like 'he/she is a good person, we have exchanged messages a lot'.......

in reality, you may know fuck all about the person and more about their on line persona.... not always the same in reality.

labelling them 'friends' by pressing an icon guarantees nothing."

How true, but we've learnt at our cost. Thanks

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By *riendly foeWoman
over a year ago

In a crisp poke on the A814

You keep repeating "Who can we trust"?...

Obviously noone....SO, delete all friends and start again...

Never really understood the whole "friends" thing in here...

Only you can decided what is best thing for you to do now...

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn


"You keep repeating "Who can we trust"?...

Obviously noone....SO, delete all friends and start again...

Never really understood the whole "friends" thing in here...

Only you can decided what is best thing for you to do now..."

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Report the guy and block him

Explain to your friends what you are about to do and why

Delete all your friends

Remove any pics you do have into private

Delete any face pics and upload new ones

Change your profile name

Only put new pics into public galleries

Stay around

Keep smiling

Hold your necks up high and if Mr Clever Dick does make his presence known physically, play him at his own game.

"

How do you report and block someone that you don't know who it was. They haven't had the nerve to come and apologise to us. It's just that we trusted the people on our friends list and now we don't know if we'll be able to trust others again. So where do we go from there?

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

deselect all friends, pop something on your profile why.... your true 'friends' will understand, the rest can move onto the next

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

I bumped into a playmate in Sainsbury's. We're both single and were both on our own. You wouldn't have known 24 hours earlier he had had his head between my legs as we didn't acknowledge each other: boundaries.

I don't understand those that don't exercise discretion and respect boundaries. Op here's hoping this person doesn't approach you in the playground.

Sadly, it's this kind of behaviour why friends lists, verifications are hidden.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Report the guy and block him

Explain to your friends what you are about to do and why

Delete all your friends

Remove any pics you do have into private

Delete any face pics and upload new ones

Change your profile name

Only put new pics into public galleries

Stay around

Keep smiling

Hold your necks up high and if Mr Clever Dick does make his presence known physically, play him at his own game.

How do you report and block someone that you don't know who it was. They haven't had the nerve to come and apologise to us. It's just that we trusted the people on our friends list and now we don't know if we'll be able to trust others again. So where do we go from there?

"

I'm a bit lost - or maybe just misread something on this thread - but if he is messaging you on here then surely you know who he is ?

Or is he messaging you via texting or emails ?

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By *aulp4alsMan
over a year ago

Warrington

Sorry to hear about this but I hope that you know that I would never do anything like this to you two or anybody else

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Report the guy and block him

Explain to your friends what you are about to do and why

Delete all your friends

Remove any pics you do have into private

Delete any face pics and upload new ones

Change your profile name

Only put new pics into public galleries

Stay around

Keep smiling

Hold your necks up high and if Mr Clever Dick does make his presence known physically, play him at his own game.

How do you report and block someone that you don't know who it was. They haven't had the nerve to come and apologise to us. It's just that we trusted the people on our friends list and now we don't know if we'll be able to trust others again. So where do we go from there?

I'm a bit lost - or maybe just misread something on this thread - but if he is messaging you on here then surely you know who he is ?

Or is he messaging you via texting or emails ?"

It's not the single guy who contacted us on here that we are moaning about now. It's the person or persons on our friends list that showed him our pictures in the first place. He won't tell us who the 'mutual friend' is and they haven't had the nerve to come to us and admit it or apologise.

Friends shouldn't be showing our pictures to other people without our consent. Especially people that live so close to us as we are careful not to meet people that are to close to us.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"deselect all friends, pop something on your profile why.... your true 'friends' will understand, the rest can move onto the next"

That is very true, thanks. We're gonna spend a couple of days thinking over where we go from here now. But as the time goes on and with everyone's advice on here, it's getting easier for us. It was the heat of the moment when you first find out that makes it feel like your world has come to an end but now, we know we're not alone and don't feel as vulnerable as we did to start with. Thanks everyone.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"We had a similar thing said to us about school. Report him and block him.

Threatening to take anything from this site anywhere near your kids is completely inappropriate and very wrong.

xx"

That's what we would do too its a sight for adults not fools and stalkers.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Report the guy and block him

Explain to your friends what you are about to do and why

Delete all your friends

Remove any pics you do have into private

Delete any face pics and upload new ones

Change your profile name

Only put new pics into public galleries

Stay around

Keep smiling

Hold your necks up high and if Mr Clever Dick does make his presence known physically, play him at his own game.

How do you report and block someone that you don't know who it was. They haven't had the nerve to come and apologise to us. It's just that we trusted the people on our friends list and now we don't know if we'll be able to trust others again. So where do we go from there?

I'm a bit lost - or maybe just misread something on this thread - but if he is messaging you on here then surely you know who he is ?

Or is he messaging you via texting or emails ?

It's not the single guy who contacted us on here that we are moaning about now. It's the person or persons on our friends list that showed him our pictures in the first place. He won't tell us who the 'mutual friend' is and they haven't had the nerve to come to us and admit it or apologise.

Friends shouldn't be showing our pictures to other people without our consent. Especially people that live so close to us as we are careful not to meet people that are to close to us.

"

He still needs blocking and reporting tho IMHO

It is him that is making a nuisance of himself not your 'friends'

They may have facilitated it, but the guy is the one making a nuisance of himself.

As for your friends, tell em what you are doing and why and delete the lot of em.

May be unfortunate for the discrete ones, but they should understand and accept your position.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

if the guy in question did confront you at school, then he would be admitting where, and how he had seen you in the first place. and surely he wouldnt want to admit he was on this site for the same reason as the rest of us

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"

It's not the single guy who contacted us on here that we are moaning about now. It's the person or persons on our friends list that showed him our pictures in the first place. He won't tell us who the 'mutual friend' is and they haven't had the nerve to come to us and admit it or apologise.

Friends shouldn't be showing our pictures to other people without our consent. Especially people that live so close to us as we are careful not to meet people that are to close to us.

"

so the single guy isn't your friend and it's him who's saying he's going to say "hello" at the school gates? You still need to block him after messaging to say that if he does make himself known at the school you will take steps to warn him off. It could be that he's lying especially since he wont tell you who showed him your photos. Do you know what he looks like?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"

It's not the single guy who contacted us on here that we are moaning about now. It's the person or persons on our friends list that showed him our pictures in the first place. He won't tell us who the 'mutual friend' is and they haven't had the nerve to come to us and admit it or apologise.

Friends shouldn't be showing our pictures to other people without our consent. Especially people that live so close to us as we are careful not to meet people that are to close to us.

so the single guy isn't your friend and it's him who's saying he's going to say "hello" at the school gates? You still need to block him after messaging to say that if he does make himself known at the school you will take steps to warn him off. It could be that he's lying especially since he wont tell you who showed him your photos. Do you know what he looks like?"

Don't know what he looks like as he doesn't have any facial pictures on here. We have made it clear that he mustn't contact us and he says that he won't. Only time will tell if we can trust him to keep his word.

Thanks for the advise

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

And I think therein lies the answer to why he did it. I doubt he has any intention of contacting you at the school gate but is enjoying the fact that he's probably got you worried. I suspect that he hasn't seen your pictures either and is just playing a stupid game.

Honestly some people have nothing better to do with their time.

Hope that's the last you're heard of him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I doubt the person will make any contact at the school gate as they risk their own offspring overhearing that they're on a swinging site. You said that it's someone too young for you that you said no thanks to so I suspect it's just an immature muppet who can't handle rejection and is just trying to wind you up out of revenge. Report them as this site doesn't need idiots like this and try not to worry too much. Hope it gets sorted xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"if u have been as careful as u say u have about ur personal information then I would be most surprised if they have been shown any information regarding u both .. have they relayed any personal information to u or have they just said that they have access to it ??

He said that he was _iewing our pictures on the other persons computer who we are friends with. He even said about talking to us next time he saw us at the local school and mentioned it by name."

Turn the tables on the person threaten to expose his being on here too as doubt most their other friends are aware. Also report to admin. Good luck.

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