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I just don't get the whole dom/sub thing...

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By *acky Racers OP   Couple
over a year ago

Lincoln

Hi all. Help us out here folks....we just don't get the whole dom/sub thing. We are very lucky and have a great relationship built on respect,desire and friendship. I, also in a past life, was in a job abroad where if you got captured by the locals, their torture was not pretend. I even had training how to put up with it if the worst happened. So, the pretend spanky, spanky, ooh, you are so dom side of things is just daft, in our humble opinion. Additionally, we have been at events where we have met 'doms" and they are about as Alpha as a kitten and look like an extra from Star Wars, yet, they have a stunning lady, (usually on a dog lead) with them. We just don't get it....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You don't have any to get it, if it's not your thing

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

If you're not going to get involved in it you don't need to understand it but you could accept and respect that people have different tastes to you

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By *arriLadMan
over a year ago

North West

Different strokes for different folks

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don’t understand some of it , but each to their own

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't get it either but being insulting about the people that do is a bit shitty, eh?

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By * and R cple4Couple
over a year ago

swansea

We don’t understand a lot of dynamics either but some people wouldn’t understand some of the stuff me and my husband are into.Everyone is different the place would be very boring if we were all the same .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Hi all. Help us out here folks....we just don't get the whole dom/sub thing. We are very lucky and have a great relationship built on respect,desire and friendship. I, also in a past life, was in a job abroad where if you got captured by the locals, their torture was not pretend. I even had training how to put up with it if the worst happened. So, the pretend spanky, spanky, ooh, you are so dom side of things is just daft, in our humble opinion. Additionally, we have been at events where we have met 'doms" and they are about as Alpha as a kitten and look like an extra from Star Wars, yet, they have a stunning lady, (usually on a dog lead) with them. We just don't get it.... "

Dont do it then

Simple

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I dont understand it but the idea of having a relationship with a femmedom excites me alot and that is all I need to no lol

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By *BWandhusbandCouple
over a year ago

Midlands


"Hi all. Help us out here folks....we just don't get the whole dom/sub thing. We are very lucky and have a great relationship built on respect,desire and friendship. I, also in a past life, was in a job abroad where if you got captured by the locals, their torture was not pretend. I even had training how to put up with it if the worst happened. So, the pretend spanky, spanky, ooh, you are so dom side of things is just daft, in our humble opinion. Additionally, we have been at events where we have met 'doms" and they are about as Alpha as a kitten and look like an extra from Star Wars, yet, they have a stunning lady, (usually on a dog lead) with them. We just don't get it.... "

I'm sure there's things that you do sexually which others wouldn't consider doing or enjoy.

Each to their own, no need to understand it if it's not your thing.

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By *r W and the BCouple
over a year ago

Blackwood

If you don't know, try. If you don't try, you never know, until you try to find out.

Don't knock anything until you have tried it, more than once, and in some cases try again with a different person. Best orgasms I have had have been when I allowed myself to be dominated mentally, and gave up control. I would not have experienced any of it if I was closed to things I 'don't get'.

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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago

Gapping Fanny


"Hi all. Help us out here folks....we just don't get the whole dom/sub thing. We are very lucky and have a great relationship built on respect,desire and friendship. I, also in a past life, was in a job abroad where if you got captured by the locals, their torture was not pretend. I even had training how to put up with it if the worst happened. So, the pretend spanky, spanky, ooh, you are so dom side of things is just daft, in our humble opinion. Additionally, we have been at events where we have met 'doms" and they are about as Alpha as a kitten and look like an extra from Star Wars, yet, they have a stunning lady, (usually on a dog lead) with them. We just don't get it.... "

TLDR - D/s is not the paintball equivalent of torture. Happy to meet up after covid for a session where we can let you experience how pretend it is. Ill even wear my Gamorean guard costume! Just drop us a line.

Torture and D/s do not go hand in hand.

D/s is about consensual power exchange.

Torture on the other hand is not consensual.

SM activities can include a level of play that borders on torture, but its consensual and people like to keep on the right side of the law.

You may not have seen play that borders on extreme as those events tend to be invite only for vetted players.

As for the fugly fat guys with the attractive lady?

It’s because those ladies are more interested in what those guys can do.

I would also point out that people have died engaging in BDSM activities due to not taking the risks seriously.

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By *igmaMan
over a year ago

Yorkshire

Strap-ons and pegging is something I don’t “understand”... but each to their own OP

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By *uriouscouple83Couple
over a year ago

Worcester


"Strap-ons and pegging is something I don’t “understand”... but each to their own OP "

I could help you understand if you like.

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

Who is doing pretend spanking? Being Dominant isn't about being alpha.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You dont understand it because it isnt for you. You dont need to understand it. Just live and let live.

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By *igmaMan
over a year ago

Yorkshire


"Strap-ons and pegging is something I don’t “understand”... but each to their own OP

I could help you understand if you like. "

Have you got a 2 metre one?

Ya know... to be compliant an all that

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By *VineMan
over a year ago

The right place

I understand it but it doesn’t do anything for me.

I generally prefer give and take, go with the flow sex.

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By *ewcouplemidsCouple
over a year ago

walsall

It's not all about pain being inflicted on another

It can be about finding new sensations to heighten the pleasure

Many things can be used to do this ice rope electrics or light flogging

Being dom or sub can be interpreted in many ways even in the swing world

If a women wants to take the lead sexually and the guy let's her then it's a mild form

He's allowing her to take control of the session and she's enjoying being in control

Doesn't have to involve torture or inflicting severe pain

People who are not into the scene tend not to understand the trust between dom n sub or why they do what they do

Probably why swing and fet rarely meet

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

To be honest it's quite obvious that you don't understand it because how you were today is that actually fairly offensive.

It is a very difficult lifestyle or fetish to explain because it's different for everybody.

It's not about pretending and if it's not for you or if you genuinely want to understand more about it than that's fine but being borderline insulting about it isn't.

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By *zQTWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere

The whole D/S thing for me isn’t about being on a lead or anything like that (I’m not actually into that side of it).

For me, It’s about completely giving myself to a man and handing the reigns of control over to him. I guess for me it’s more about the primal hunter. Knowing that he is pleased and he knows what is right for me and gives me what I deserve. It’s more about mental stimulation and giving pleasure.

There are a lot of different types of D/S relationships and it works for some. Everyone has their own kinks.

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By *uriouscouple83Couple
over a year ago

Worcester


"Strap-ons and pegging is something I don’t “understand”... but each to their own OP

I could help you understand if you like.

Have you got a 2 metre one?

Ya know... to be compliant an all that "

I have modified one using an old curtain pole to extend reach (I call it the gender bender extender). Don’t worry my pretty, we won’t break any social distancing rules

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"To be honest it's quite obvious that you don't understand it because how you were today is that actually fairly offensive.

It is a very difficult lifestyle or fetish to explain because it's different for everybody.

It's not about pretending and if it's not for you or if you genuinely want to understand more about it than that's fine but being borderline insulting about it isn't."

*Should have been worded it

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By *innie The MinxWoman
over a year ago

Under the Duvet

There's lots of things I don't understand OP, but if I'm genuinely interested in finding out more then there's g@@gle.

Otherwise I just accept some things don't float my boat.

I generally don't feel the urge to make daft comments about other people's choices.

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By *zQTWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere

I forgot to add, D/S is all about complete trust.

In a D/S relationship, the Dom only has his power and gets his alpha because the Sub has allowed it. But the sub is the one that is truly in control.

It’s not all about being tied up and inflicting pain etc or degrading and humiliation. It’s much more on a personal level.

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By *ecretlivesCouple
over a year ago

FABWatch HQ

Op, for someone who may well be genuine in their desire to understand, you say too many unpleasant things to make it worth the effort. If you consider how your post may have been offensive you will probably be on the way to a better understanding of the D/s dynamic.

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By *igmaMan
over a year ago

Yorkshire


"Strap-ons and pegging is something I don’t “understand”... but each to their own OP

I could help you understand if you like.

Have you got a 2 metre one?

Ya know... to be compliant an all that

I have modified one using an old curtain pole to extend reach (I call it the gender bender extender). Don’t worry my pretty, we won’t break any social distancing rules "

Very handy of you!

Is it counter weighted to stop you pole vaulting into things???

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

There's lots of things I don't get, but it doesn't mean I can't respect people's interest in them.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross


"There's lots of things I don't understand OP, but if I'm genuinely interested in finding out more then there's g@@gle.

Otherwise I just accept some things don't float my boat.

I generally don't feel the urge to make daft comments about other people's choices."

You do know that spells Gatatgle ....

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By *uriouscouple83Couple
over a year ago

Worcester


"Strap-ons and pegging is something I don’t “understand”... but each to their own OP

I could help you understand if you like.

Have you got a 2 metre one?

Ya know... to be compliant an all that

I have modified one using an old curtain pole to extend reach (I call it the gender bender extender). Don’t worry my pretty, we won’t break any social distancing rules

Very handy of you!

Is it counter weighted to stop you pole vaulting into things???"

The cast iron butt plug balances things out nicely

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By *affeine DuskMan
over a year ago

Caerphilly


"You don't have any to get it, if it's not your thing"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It’s all about control.

Some people find it a turn on to completely surrender control to another’s whims.

This is particularly evident when somebody is in a job where they are often called up on to take control and make decisions.

The same can be true for those who find themselves in a position where they have no power in day to day life.

It’s the living out and extension of fantasy. You don’t have to get it or understand it. If it’s not your thing then it’s not your thing. Don’t judge those that get off on it though.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I always find it interesting that On threads where the OP just makes a generalised statement they never seem to come back on thread or respond so I wonder want the point of it is?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The only thing you need to get is people have different tastes and interests and no one cares if you get it or not. At the same time, you don't have to care if anyone else gets your interests. As long as everything is legal and done with consent of course.

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

I guess OP a question back to you is do you want to try and understand or cast judgement from a position of not understanding, and then run away?

There are many things I don't understand about peoples tastes, whether that be sexual or otherwise, but I either try and understand them to form a rounded opinion of my own, or leave them be and accept that though I don't understand them, others may.

You say in your OP that "We are very lucky and have a great relationship built on respect,desire and friendship" like you believe that's not the case in a D/s relationship - let me assure you that it very much is with a whole lot of other things thrown in too.

If you want to try and at least understand, come back and ask questions to try and get an understanding rather than just lobbing a hand grenade and disappearing.

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills


"Hi all. Help us out here folks....we just don't get the whole dom/sub thing. We are very lucky and have a great relationship built on respect,desire and friendship. I, also in a past life, was in a job abroad where if you got captured by the locals, their torture was not pretend. I even had training how to put up with it if the worst happened. So, the pretend spanky, spanky, ooh, you are so dom side of things is just daft, in our humble opinion. Additionally, we have been at events where we have met 'doms" and they are about as Alpha as a kitten and look like an extra from Star Wars, yet, they have a stunning lady, (usually on a dog lead) with them. We just don't get it.... "

Just for interest OP, did they explain Stockholm syndrome?

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Away for Christmas

Honestly, based upon the tone and wording used in your post it is very likely that you don't actually want to understand.

Not truely.

Your mind is made up and are looking more for justification to that.

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By *hetalkingstoveMan
over a year ago

London

"help me understand this thing that I've just implied is stupid"

Uh, no thanks.

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By *igmaMan
over a year ago

Yorkshire


"Strap-ons and pegging is something I don’t “understand”... but each to their own OP

I could help you understand if you like.

Have you got a 2 metre one?

Ya know... to be compliant an all that

I have modified one using an old curtain pole to extend reach (I call it the gender bender extender). Don’t worry my pretty, we won’t break any social distancing rules

Very handy of you!

Is it counter weighted to stop you pole vaulting into things???

The cast iron butt plug balances things out nicely

"

That’s quite an image you’ve painted of yourself!

I was thinking more of a bass drum strapped to your back like those one man bands - so you can bang out a tune whilst bashing my back doors

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool


""help me understand this thing that I've just implied is stupid"

Uh, no thanks. "

Stupid is pretty tame for this place when it comes to kink shaming

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

The O.P has only been gone an hour.

Are there rules as to how long you have to leave between asking a question and responding to answers ?

I don't feel the O.P. was rude. I do feel a lot of assumptions have been made on both sides.

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Away for Christmas


""help me understand this thing that I've just implied is stupid"

Uh, no thanks.

Stupid is pretty tame for this place when it comes to kink shaming "

Don't insult shame!

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By *luttyLaylaWoman
over a year ago

North West

If all the Dom’s wanna head to my inbox please.... haha!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your post sounds a bit judgey OP.

If you are genuinely interested in this subject then maybe you should have asked questions rather than put others down.

Maybe you didn't mean it that way but that's how it came across.

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool


"The O.P has only been gone an hour.

Are there rules as to how long you have to leave between asking a question and responding to answers ?

I don't feel the O.P. was rude. I do feel a lot of assumptions have been made on both sides.

"

Saying people look like an extra from Star Wars and shouldn't be with an attractive woman isn't rude?

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Away for Christmas


"The O.P has only been gone an hour.

Are there rules as to how long you have to leave between asking a question and responding to answers ?

I don't feel the O.P. was rude. I do feel a lot of assumptions have been made on both sides.

"

The former part 100% agree with.

The latter, not so much.

The wording used, the tone used. The fact they threw insults in themselves. They made no attempt at opening themselves up to welcome information and understanding being passed on.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There are things on your profile list of likes that I am not in to but I would never put up a post insulting them. But each to their own. The first thing you learn as it is not tolerated in the bdsm lifestyle is never to kink shame and be accepting of all however different their likes are to yours. A good lesson in all walks of life

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By *ob Carpe DiemMan
over a year ago

Torquay

I don't get it, each to their own of course. Still if you do what someone tells you to because you enjoy it then come round mine and suck my cock immediately

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)


""help me understand this thing that I've just implied is stupid"

Uh, no thanks.

Stupid is pretty tame for this place when it comes to kink shaming "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"The O.P has only been gone an hour.

Are there rules as to how long you have to leave between asking a question and responding to answers ?

I don't feel the O.P. was rude. I do feel a lot of assumptions have been made on both sides.

"

The thing is they didn't actually ask a question they made a statement.

It was definitely borderline rude and very judgemental.

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By *irginieWoman
over a year ago

Near Marlborough

One thing I have learned over the years is that our kinks are not always clear to someone else. Why does one person find leather a rousing, another loves to be humiliated, one wants to submit to another.

OP. Your post made me think you felt the need to describe your background as “tough”. I wonder why? My assumption was to denigrate others but I may be wrong.

You don’t have to understand, but if it’s not for you then there’s no real point to your post.... or is there?

V x

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By *allBristolManMan
over a year ago

nowhere

Let folk do what they like to whomever they like, and stop trying to put people in boxes.

That's what I think

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By *ob Carpe DiemMan
over a year ago

Torquay


"Let folk do what they like to whomever they like, and stop trying to put people in boxes.

That's what I think "

But I enjoy putting my sub in a box, that's the whole fun of it

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By *allBristolManMan
over a year ago

nowhere


"Let folk do what they like to whomever they like, and stop trying to put people in boxes.

That's what I think

But I enjoy putting my sub in a box, that's the whole fun of it"

Pmsl

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By *hetalkingstoveMan
over a year ago

London


""help me understand this thing that I've just implied is stupid"

Uh, no thanks.

Stupid is pretty tame for this place when it comes to kink shaming "

OP has so much to learn

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It would be a boring world if we all liked the same things

I'd never heard of D/s in my vanilla life, but was introduced to it through an ex partner - gosh i really rebelled against the labelling and the ethos... But once i got over that.. I realised i was 'home'...

... and i am incredibly fortunate to have found the most amazing, kind, respectful Fab play partner.. We have a great dynamic built on respect, desire and friendship.. With agreed boundaries for both of us to ensure we each get our needs met

When done right, it is a delicious meeting of minds

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By *horehouseprincessWoman
over a year ago

small town near Munich

Obviously its not for you so you're not engaging in it. Why worry about it?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sits and waits for him to pop up and comment *whistles*

I didn’t get it either 4 years ago it was a complete nope ...

then I met someone from here and I’ve never ever looked back.

Being submissive is the best thing to ever happen to me sexually it’s allowed me to take back my sexuality my pleasure and actually really enjoy sex for the first time. Most Ds dynamics don’t usually end with full sex all the time but it’s the build up and anticipation and mental mind fuck that gets me. That and a few strokes of a flogger or a crop and I’m putty in his/her hands.

Everyone has their own thing I don’t get the whole foot fetish thing but others love it. That’s the beauty of human everyone’s different and if you find someone you click with then great.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It would be a boring world if we all liked the same things

I'd never heard of D/s in my vanilla life, but was introduced to it through an ex partner - gosh i really rebelled against the labelling and the ethos... But once i got over that.. I realised i was 'home'...

... and i am incredibly fortunate to have found the most amazing, kind, respectful Fab play partner.. We have a great dynamic built on respect, desire and friendship.. With agreed boundaries for both of us to ensure we each get our needs met

When done right, it is a delicious meeting of minds"

This just this!!!

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool


""help me understand this thing that I've just implied is stupid"

Uh, no thanks.

Stupid is pretty tame for this place when it comes to kink shaming

OP has so much to learn "

You're barely scratching the surface if you haven't at least questioned someones psychological state. Though they're off to a good start with insulating appearance

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Sits and waits for him to pop up and comment *whistles*

I didn’t get it either 4 years ago it was a complete nope ...

then I met someone from here and I’ve never ever looked back.

Being submissive is the best thing to ever happen to me sexually it’s allowed me to take back my sexuality my pleasure and actually really enjoy sex for the first time. Most Ds dynamics don’t usually end with full sex all the time but it’s the build up and anticipation and mental mind fuck that gets me. That and a few strokes of a flogger or a crop and I’m putty in his/her hands.

Everyone has their own thing I don’t get the whole foot fetish thing but others love it. That’s the beauty of human everyone’s different and if you find someone you click with then great.

"

*Makes a note to keep the paddle out for a bit longer the next time I see you because you whistled for me*

The biggest sexual organ in the body is the brain! How it is used can show a lot about someone. If your brain is closed and judgemental, as is the case I've found with a lot of swingers over the last 20 years that I've been on the scene, then the limits of your enjoyment are indeed limited!

There are lots of aspects of kink and indeed 'normal' swinging that don't appeal to me. Some of those things I try to understand to see if maybe I could be persuaded. Others I have no interest in but even though I have no interest I would never dream of trying to shame that interest or anyone that took part in it.

Up until 15 year or so ago I was purely into swing and not kink/BDSM. I slowly found I was drawn in to the kink world as well as the swing and have ever since enjoyed crossing between the two.

I would never dream of trying to push my kink side onto someone that wasn't interested in it but I have found plenty and I do mean plenty of people that I'm naturally drawn to and they draw that side of me out.

No I don't have to torture people, or inflict pain but I can use both mental and physical stimulation to give people pain/pleasure or even just pleasure and I'm more that happy to share that with people that are interested.

Not so much though with people whose minds are closed from the onset.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Sits and waits for him to pop up and comment *whistles*

I didn’t get it either 4 years ago it was a complete nope ...

then I met someone from here and I’ve never ever looked back.

Being submissive is the best thing to ever happen to me sexually it’s allowed me to take back my sexuality my pleasure and actually really enjoy sex for the first time. Most Ds dynamics don’t usually end with full sex all the time but it’s the build up and anticipation and mental mind fuck that gets me. That and a few strokes of a flogger or a crop and I’m putty in his/her hands.

Everyone has their own thing I don’t get the whole foot fetish thing but others love it. That’s the beauty of human everyone’s different and if you find someone you click with then great.

*Makes a note to keep the paddle out for a bit longer the next time I see you because you whistled for me*

The biggest sexual organ in the body is the brain! How it is used can show a lot about someone. If your brain is closed and judgemental, as is the case I've found with a lot of swingers over the last 20 years that I've been on the scene, then the limits of your enjoyment are indeed limited!

There are lots of aspects of kink and indeed 'normal' swinging that don't appeal to me. Some of those things I try to understand to see if maybe I could be persuaded. Others I have no interest in but even though I have no interest I would never dream of trying to shame that interest or anyone that took part in it.

Up until 15 year or so ago I was purely into swing and not kink/BDSM. I slowly found I was drawn in to the kink world as well as the swing and have ever since enjoyed crossing between the two.

I would never dream of trying to push my kink side onto someone that wasn't interested in it but I have found plenty and I do mean plenty of people that I'm naturally drawn to and they draw that side of me out.

No I don't have to torture people, or inflict pain but I can use both mental and physical stimulation to give people pain/pleasure or even just pleasure and I'm more that happy to share that with people that are interested.

Not so much though with people whose minds are closed from the onset. "

. That paddle is not my friend I’ve still got a bruise hehe the flogger on the other hand. Yes please! Mmmm

I totally agree with everything you’ve said and can publicly vouch for your ability to draw people to you and read their responses.

You’re good at what you do. Don’t ever change.

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By *hetalkingstoveMan
over a year ago

London


""help me understand this thing that I've just implied is stupid"

Uh, no thanks.

Stupid is pretty tame for this place when it comes to kink shaming

OP has so much to learn

You're barely scratching the surface if you haven't at least questioned someones psychological state. Though they're off to a good start with insulating appearance "

It's a bit depressing how many people get stuck at 'I don't like this thing, therefore how can it possibly have any merit for anyone else' stage of understanding the world.

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By *ilkChocManMan
over a year ago

Sanderstead

It's a mindset and suits my personal preferences - though not all the time.

But it does add to the overall sensual experience for both parties are in the lifestyle.

I've had long term Dom/sub relationships and it was fantastic for both of us in terms of fulfilling our needs, mentally and sexually.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

[Removed by poster at 18/12/20 20:06:06]

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

Pretend spanky spanky?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Tbh that seems like a pretty round about way to tell everyone your "proper hard" in real life....

Now where can I get a lead and a hottie please

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By *allBristolManMan
over a year ago

nowhere


"Pretend spanky spanky?

"

Yer I'm not getting that either

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool


"Pretend spanky spanky?

"

Yeah it's like the sex version of hover hand.

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By *ilkChocManMan
over a year ago

Sanderstead

Also worth remembering that in a Dom sub relationship, it's the sub who actually holds all the power.

She is submissive because she wants to submit to that person and their rules, but any time she changes her mind that submission is withdrawn.

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool


"Tbh that seems like a pretty round about way to tell everyone your "proper hard" in real life....

Now where can I get a lead and a hottie please"

I have a lead. It's pink and has gems on! You'll have to find a hottie though

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"Also worth remembering that in a Dom sub relationship, it's the sub who actually holds all the power.

She is submissive because she wants to submit to that person and their rules, but any time she changes her mind that submission is withdrawn."

Or he

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By *allBristolManMan
over a year ago

nowhere


"Also worth remembering that in a Dom sub relationship, it's the sub who actually holds all the power.

She is submissive because she wants to submit to that person and their rules, but any time she changes her mind that submission is withdrawn.

Or he "

THANK YOU

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By *irty PrettyWoman
over a year ago

Cardiff


"Pretend spanky spanky?

"

I think that’s what vanilla guys do when they’ve got you doggy style.

Nothing pretend about a serious whipping.

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Away for Christmas


"Tbh that seems like a pretty round about way to tell everyone your "proper hard" in real life....

Now where can I get a lead and a hottie please

I have a lead. It's pink and has gems on! You'll have to find a hottie though "

Its alright, you will do.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Tbh that seems like a pretty round about way to tell everyone your "proper hard" in real life....

Now where can I get a lead and a hottie please

I have a lead. It's pink and has gems on! You'll have to find a hottie though

Its alright, you will do. "

OK buddy you weren't what I had in mind but if lacy loans us the lead I'll give it a go

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Pretend spanky spanky?

"

To be fair it's on par with some of the condescending replies on this thread.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You don't need to get it.

Just don't indulge and respect those who do

Lu

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek


"Pretend spanky spanky?

I think that’s what vanilla guys do when they’ve got you doggy style.

Nothing pretend about a serious whipping."

Oh that shit "yeah bitch, who's your daddy"

I'm a bit weird in the sense everyone else seems to adore their marks and it reminds them of the awesome time they had.

Every time I bash a bruise or sit on a sore bit I'm all "silly bitch, every time ya get the wimpy the days after and think you shouldn't have done it coz you're a post spanky whippy caney horny deliciously slippery bratty poontang"

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Away for Christmas


"Tbh that seems like a pretty round about way to tell everyone your "proper hard" in real life....

Now where can I get a lead and a hottie please

I have a lead. It's pink and has gems on! You'll have to find a hottie though

Its alright, you will do.

OK buddy you weren't what I had in mind but if lacy loans us the lead I'll give it a go "

Yeah go on then

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool


"Tbh that seems like a pretty round about way to tell everyone your "proper hard" in real life....

Now where can I get a lead and a hottie please

I have a lead. It's pink and has gems on! You'll have to find a hottie though

Its alright, you will do.

OK buddy you weren't what I had in mind but if lacy loans us the lead I'll give it a go "

Can I watch?

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Away for Christmas


"Tbh that seems like a pretty round about way to tell everyone your "proper hard" in real life....

Now where can I get a lead and a hottie please

I have a lead. It's pink and has gems on! You'll have to find a hottie though

Its alright, you will do.

OK buddy you weren't what I had in mind but if lacy loans us the lead I'll give it a go

Can I watch? "
can we have the lead?

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By *allBristolManMan
over a year ago

nowhere


"Tbh that seems like a pretty round about way to tell everyone your "proper hard" in real life....

Now where can I get a lead and a hottie please

I have a lead. It's pink and has gems on! You'll have to find a hottie though

Its alright, you will do.

OK buddy you weren't what I had in mind but if lacy loans us the lead I'll give it a go

Can I watch? "

Can I hold the lead in my teeth?

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool


"Tbh that seems like a pretty round about way to tell everyone your "proper hard" in real life....

Now where can I get a lead and a hottie please

I have a lead. It's pink and has gems on! You'll have to find a hottie though

Its alright, you will do.

OK buddy you weren't what I had in mind but if lacy loans us the lead I'll give it a go

Can I watch? can we have the lead? "

If I can watch

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Away for Christmas


"Tbh that seems like a pretty round about way to tell everyone your "proper hard" in real life....

Now where can I get a lead and a hottie please

I have a lead. It's pink and has gems on! You'll have to find a hottie though

Its alright, you will do.

OK buddy you weren't what I had in mind but if lacy loans us the lead I'll give it a go

Can I watch? can we have the lead?

If I can watch "

Fine! No touching though! Social distancing and all that

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By *nna WulfWoman
over a year ago

Wandsworth


"Also worth remembering that in a Dom sub relationship, it's the sub who actually holds all the power.

She is submissive because she wants to submit to that person and their rules, but any time she changes her mind that submission is withdrawn.

Or he

THANK YOU "

I watched a film called 'The Duke of Burgundy' where the the complexity of the layers was revealed. Blew my mind to be honest. Still does. But yes.. the more I think about it, the more I realise that the 'dom' is actually performing for the sub. The sub decides the limits and therefore controls the dynamic.

Fucking fascinating.

Obviously there are doubtless more layers than this but yeah.. still pretty mind blowing.

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By *adame 2SwordsWoman
over a year ago

Victoria, London

So I was in my local Tesco Express earlier this evening. Two university students wondering around. The guy on a pink lease and collar, with GF? on the other end. After standing watching them in the queue, I couldn't help myself and ask them what the leash was about. They said they were into BDSM. Ooh I said, for how long, just this term was the response, awwww. So I said, why is he not on his hands and knees then, and where's your strap on? Walked off grinning!!!

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit


"Also worth remembering that in a Dom sub relationship, it's the sub who actually holds all the power.

She is submissive because she wants to submit to that person and their rules, but any time she changes her mind that submission is withdrawn.

Or he "

Or indeed Him or Her (though I personally don't like the capitalisation thing - but it kind of fits here) but a dominant equally has the ability to remove their dominance any time they change their mind - something often missed in these discussions

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By *allBristolManMan
over a year ago

nowhere


"So I was in my local Tesco Express earlier this evening. Two university students wondering around. The guy on a pink lease and collar, with GF? on the other end. After standing watching them in the queue, I couldn't help myself and ask them what the leash was about. They said they were into BDSM. Ooh I said, for how long, just this term was the response, awwww. So I said, why is he not on his hands and knees then, and where's your strap on? Walked off grinning!!! "

Lol. Not sure she'd be allowed in tescos in in strap on... which is a shame tbh would love to be prodded while choosing a meal deal!

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By *irty PrettyWoman
over a year ago

Cardiff


"Pretend spanky spanky?

I think that’s what vanilla guys do when they’ve got you doggy style.

Nothing pretend about a serious whipping.

Oh that shit "yeah bitch, who's your daddy"

I'm a bit weird in the sense everyone else seems to adore their marks and it reminds them of the awesome time they had.

Every time I bash a bruise or sit on a sore bit I'm all "silly bitch, every time ya get the wimpy the days after and think you shouldn't have done it coz you're a post spanky whippy caney horny deliciously slippery bratty poontang" "

Not that I’m vanilla shaming, it’s just funny how they’re all magnetically drawn to giving me a couple of light taps on the arse. Mind you, if they tried to do more than that without discussing it first I’d slap ‘em back.

I’ll admit that I haven’t explored far into impact play yet, but I’ve seen the results on other people and I don’t think anyone could reasonably call it pretend!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Hi all. Help us out here folks....we just don't get the whole dom/sub thing. We are very lucky and have a great relationship built on respect,desire and friendship. I, also in a past life, was in a job abroad where if you got captured by the locals, their torture was not pretend. I even had training how to put up with it if the worst happened. So, the pretend spanky, spanky, ooh, you are so dom side of things is just daft, in our humble opinion. Additionally, we have been at events where we have met 'doms" and they are about as Alpha as a kitten and look like an extra from Star Wars, yet, they have a stunning lady, (usually on a dog lead) with them. We just don't get it.... "

Well this thread went well didn’t it Ant Middleton?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Hi all. Help us out here folks....we just don't get the whole dom/sub thing. We are very lucky and have a great relationship built on respect,desire and friendship. I, also in a past life, was in a job abroad where if you got captured by the locals, their torture was not pretend. I even had training how to put up with it if the worst happened. So, the pretend spanky, spanky, ooh, you are so dom side of things is just daft, in our humble opinion. Additionally, we have been at events where we have met 'doms" and they are about as Alpha as a kitten and look like an extra from Star Wars, yet, they have a stunning lady, (usually on a dog lead) with them. We just don't get it.... "

You asked for help but then start by being judgemental and sarcastic. Not sure whats your locals torture analogy got to do with it either.

Forum are not the best place to learn properly about a subject so diverse, complicated and psychologically interesting like bdsm lifestyle. There are many good books and website research about that subject that would give you a better understanding on why, how and who.

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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago

Gapping Fanny


"Also worth remembering that in a Dom sub relationship, it's the sub who actually holds all the power.

She is submissive because she wants to submit to that person and their rules, but any time she changes her mind that submission is withdrawn."

To each their own, but in my opinion this is not 100% true.

D/s is power exchange, of a varying scale that all parties are comfortable with.

This means that the Dom can end things just as much as the submissive, ergo the sub does not hold all the power. Nor is “submission a gift” and more than “Dominance is a gift”.

Its just a normal relationship between consenting adults with added extras.

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By *partharmonyCouple
over a year ago

Ruislip

We accept this is something people are into but we don't get it at all either. Neither of us have any desire to dominate or submit to anybody.

What I (Luke) don't get is why it is often thought of as standard. The first time I went to a club, one of the first things I was asked was if I was a dom or a sub (and have been asked several times since). I didn't really know what they were talking about. After some discussion they concluded I was a switch. Now I've been on the scene longer, I know the correct answer is that it's just not a dynamic I relate to at all.

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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago

Gapping Fanny


"

I watched a film called 'The Duke of Burgundy' where the the complexity of the layers was revealed. Blew my mind to be honest. Still does. But yes.. the more I think about it, the more I realise that the 'dom' is actually performing for the sub. The sub decides the limits and therefore controls the dynamic.

Fucking fascinating.

Obviously there are doubtless more layers than this but yeah.. still pretty mind blowing.

"

I can honestly say I have never performed for my subs. The crowd at an event yes, after all who doesn't like to show off, but never my sub.

I take what they offer (taking into consideration limits and boundaries) and use their body and mind to satisfy my own desires sexual or otherwise.

For me a good scene is based on communication, negotiation and consent, and it helps if you are doing things you both enjoy or want to experience. But that isn’t always the case. For example the Mrs hates stingy pain, but I will still use stingy items on her every now and then for my own amusement.

The closest I would say to my dynamics being a performance is that our SM scenes are like a wrestling match. We know who wins, we may even know the finisher, but getting to the end can rival any ECW hardcore match.

However there is no “one true way” so everyones dynamic will be different, but it should be what works for them.

I will have to check this film out though.

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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago

Gapping Fanny


"We accept this is something people are into but we don't get it at all either. Neither of us have any desire to dominate or submit to anybody.

What I (Luke) don't get is why it is often thought of as standard. The first time I went to a club, one of the first things I was asked was if I was a dom or a sub (and have been asked several times since). I didn't really know what they were talking about. After some discussion they concluded I was a switch. Now I've been on the scene longer, I know the correct answer is that it's just not a dynamic I relate to at all. "

Im on a posting role so let me fove this a go.

If it was a fetish/kink/cross over event I can see why you would be asked. Its helpful to understand where you sit to help with conversation.

Remember just because you may identify as a Dom or sub does not mean you are Dom or sub to everyone at an event, unless you want that and are likely at some of the humiliation kink events.

As for why its more prevalent now? With the internet its easier to find people who share similar kinks and fetishes. There are numerous sites, some niche some blatant that have allowed people to meet and chat with others and discover they are not “freaks” or “degenerates”.

The prevalence of it in porn and to some extent the rise of erotic fiction will also have an impact.

The beauty of it is you don’t have to join the club if you don’t want to.

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By *asmeenTV/TS
over a year ago

STOKE ON TRENT

Or me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Hi all. Help us out here folks....we just don't get the whole dom/sub thing. We are very lucky and have a great relationship built on respect,desire and friendship. I, also in a past life, was in a job abroad where if you got captured by the locals, their torture was not pretend. I even had training how to put up with it if the worst happened. So, the pretend spanky, spanky, ooh, you are so dom side of things is just daft, in our humble opinion. Additionally, we have been at events where we have met 'doms" and they are about as Alpha as a kitten and look like an extra from Star Wars, yet, they have a stunning lady, (usually on a dog lead) with them. We just don't get it.... "

Help you out how exactly? While I get you don't understand it you seem to have posted in a way that will get people's backs up and seem to have a view that D/s means one thing. It doesn't. It's a consenual power exchange and takes many forms and the dynamics differ between couples.

Think of it like a partnership where one says I like X Y and Z and i'll allow someone who enjoys the same to do them. X Y and Z can range from something that merely means one has control right the way up to something that is far more risky and even dangerous. To have someone that will allow you to indulge in your desires and hand you the consent to do so is a very powerful thing and vice versa and can be liberating.

Personally I like both sides of D/s and I get it from both angles. And not exactly something you choose to be into. First time I ever indulged in some sides of it I was shocked at just how much I loved it. I couldn't go back the other way now.

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By *acky Racers OP   Couple
over a year ago

Lincoln

Thanks to those who have explained some of this. The perception of any negative thoughts was not my intention. Still don't get it though!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thanks to those who have explained some of this. The perception of any negative thoughts was not my intention. Still don't get it though!! "

You don't have to get it but you don't have to ridicule people.

If you genuinely want to know more about it you could ask appropriate questions and people tend to be quite receptive.

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By *acky Racers OP   Couple
over a year ago

Lincoln


"Thanks to those who have explained some of this. The perception of any negative thoughts was not my intention. Still don't get it though!!

You don't have to get it but you don't have to ridicule people.

If you genuinely want to know more about it you could ask appropriate questions and people tend to be quite receptive."

We have been approached by a few 'doms' and boy o boy do they get all flouncy when you turn them down. They have a 'how dare you' attitude.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What people don’t realise is a lot of what happens in a defined dynamic happens out of a dynamic as well.

In fact every relationship is a dynamic. It’s two people together. If one takes control on the bedroom you can say they have a dominant personality. If you both share it then it’s a switch.

What a dynamic does is give definition to what we are all doing anyway in life.

Remember there are over 60 different variations of dominants and submissive and switches. You cannot roll them up in to one just as much as you can roll any relationship up in to one nice sentence.

Learning is good. Ignorance is not bliss. In the world of the internet there’s no excuse to not do some little research before passing judgment

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thanks to those who have explained some of this. The perception of any negative thoughts was not my intention. Still don't get it though!!

You don't have to get it but you don't have to ridicule people.

If you genuinely want to know more about it you could ask appropriate questions and people tend to be quite receptive.

We have been approached by a few 'doms' and boy o boy do they get all flouncy when you turn them down. They have a 'how dare you' attitude. "

Sadly there are a lot of what are called fake Doms or baby Doms who do not understand the life style fully and can cause more harm than good. And equally there’s as many fake subs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thanks to those who have explained some of this. The perception of any negative thoughts was not my intention. Still don't get it though!!

You don't have to get it but you don't have to ridicule people.

If you genuinely want to know more about it you could ask appropriate questions and people tend to be quite receptive.

We have been approached by a few 'doms' and boy o boy do they get all flouncy when you turn them down. They have a 'how dare you' attitude. "

The ones who reach out to me are terribly respectful and I've not observed any attitude at all

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thanks to those who have explained some of this. The perception of any negative thoughts was not my intention. Still don't get it though!!

You don't have to get it but you don't have to ridicule people.

If you genuinely want to know more about it you could ask appropriate questions and people tend to be quite receptive.

We have been approached by a few 'doms' and boy o boy do they get all flouncy when you turn them down. They have a 'how dare you' attitude. "

No serious Dom/Domme will approach you and would assume you are into bdsm or part of the scene. Also they won’t ask you to play straight away without any comms, agreement, consent etc... no instant submission, only for insta dom.

We understand you don’t get it and fair enough you dont have to honestly. Just do what you like and we carry on doing what We like, free world and all that

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By *ittleMissCaliWoman
over a year ago

all loved up


"You don't have any to get it, if it's not your thing"
this... I doubt get many things.. I just respect those that choose to do them x

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By *ecretlivesCouple
over a year ago

FABWatch HQ


"Thanks to those who have explained some of this. The perception of any negative thoughts was not my intention. Still don't get it though!!

You don't have to get it but you don't have to ridicule people.

If you genuinely want to know more about it you could ask appropriate questions and people tend to be quite receptive.

We have been approached by a few 'doms' and boy o boy do they get all flouncy when you turn them down. They have a 'how dare you' attitude. "

Perhaps you recognise that the 'doms' you have met are not a dom in your eyes. Fakes aside - consider what you WOULD see as a dominant person. Forget gender. Don't get fixated on physicality or reality of pain. It is a state of mind in both parties to achieve an end.

Your profile names actually illustrate the complexity of D/s - Pitstop is ostensibly a pretty, helpless vacuous character BUT regularly manipulates other WR'ers to help her win the race - notably the gun wielding Mafia male group the Anthill Mob. Dastardly is uber male, violent, aggressive, bullying; all weapons and tricks, but never wins (once possibly). Who is the D in all of that?

Before you go Pah kids cartoons. Those cartoons were designed and drawn by some pretty alt individuals at a time when sexual identities were radically shifting. They layered their sexual metaphors like Kenneth Williams never could.

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit


"

Perhaps you recognise that the 'doms' you have met are not a dom in your eyes. Fakes aside - consider what you WOULD see as a dominant person. Forget gender. Don't get fixated on physicality or reality of pain. It is a state of mind in both parties to achieve an end.

Your profile names actually illustrate the complexity of D/s - Pitstop is ostensibly a pretty, helpless vacuous character BUT regularly manipulates other WR'ers to help her win the race - notably the gun wielding Mafia male group the Anthill Mob. Dastardly is uber male, violent, aggressive, bullying; all weapons and tricks, but never wins (once possibly). Who is the D in all of that?

Before you go Pah kids cartoons. Those cartoons were designed and drawn by some pretty alt individuals at a time when sexual identities were radically shifting. They layered their sexual metaphors like Kenneth Williams never could.

"

Post of the day contender right there!!

That analogy has never occurred to me before but it makes perfect sense - even more so if you throw Peter Perfect into that mix as a white knight character

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By *uzz And WoodyCouple
over a year ago

Maidstone

Sounds like an Alpha male issue here. Lots of chest beating going on. Passive aggression is not a nice trait to have.

Ed

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Hi all. Help us out here folks....we just don't get the whole dom/sub thing. We are very lucky and have a great relationship built on respect,desire and friendship. I, also in a past life, was in a job abroad where if you got captured by the locals, their torture was not pretend. I even had training how to put up with it if the worst happened. So, the pretend spanky, spanky, ooh, you are so dom side of things is just daft, in our humble opinion. Additionally, we have been at events where we have met 'doms" and they are about as Alpha as a kitten and look like an extra from Star Wars, yet, they have a stunning lady, (usually on a dog lead) with them. We just don't get it.... "
Each to their own. Simple as that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Who’s chest beating?

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

There are people on here who do not understand how couples can bare back with others, the male clean up the other guys cum, men watch as their pregnant wife is rogered every which way etc but choose to not question or belittle the actions of consenting adults.

We are on an " alternative lifestyle" site, yet others still feel the need to belittle.

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

[Removed by poster at 20/12/20 11:58:39]

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By *adMerWoman
over a year ago

Sandwich


"Thanks to those who have explained some of this. The perception of any negative thoughts was not my intention. Still don't get it though!!

You don't have to get it but you don't have to ridicule people.

If you genuinely want to know more about it you could ask appropriate questions and people tend to be quite receptive.

We have been approached by a few 'doms' and boy o boy do they get all flouncy when you turn them down. They have a 'how dare you' attitude.

Perhaps you recognise that the 'doms' you have met are not a dom in your eyes. Fakes aside - consider what you WOULD see as a dominant person. Forget gender. Don't get fixated on physicality or reality of pain. It is a state of mind in both parties to achieve an end.

Your profile names actually illustrate the complexity of D/s - Pitstop is ostensibly a pretty, helpless vacuous character BUT regularly manipulates other WR'ers to help her win the race - notably the gun wielding Mafia male group the Anthill Mob. Dastardly is uber male, violent, aggressive, bullying; all weapons and tricks, but never wins (once possibly). Who is the D in all of that?

Before you go Pah kids cartoons. Those cartoons were designed and drawn by some pretty alt individuals at a time when sexual identities were radically shifting. They layered their sexual metaphors like Kenneth Williams never could.

"

Definitely one of the best analogies I have read in a long time!!

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By *acky Racers OP   Couple
over a year ago

Lincoln

Certainly not on our part.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"There are people on here who do not understand how couples can bare back with others, the male clean up the other guys cum, men watch as their pregnant wife is rogered every which way etc but choose to not question or belittle the actions of consenting adults.

We are on an " alternative lifestyle" site, yet others still feel the need to belittle.

"

You are right, I am new to this site but sometime I felt it very narrow minded or look like a Tory Brexiter one

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"There are people on here who do not understand how couples can bare back with others, the male clean up the other guys cum, men watch as their pregnant wife is rogered every which way etc but choose to not question or belittle the actions of consenting adults.

We are on an " alternative lifestyle" site, yet others still feel the need to belittle.

"

You are right, I am new to this site but sometime I felt it very narrow minded or look like a Tory Brexiter one

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By *tephTV67TV/TS
over a year ago

Cheshire


"Thanks to those who have explained some of this. The perception of any negative thoughts was not my intention. Still don't get it though!!

You don't have to get it but you don't have to ridicule people.

If you genuinely want to know more about it you could ask appropriate questions and people tend to be quite receptive.

We have been approached by a few 'doms' and boy o boy do they get all flouncy when you turn them down. They have a 'how dare you' attitude.

Perhaps you recognise that the 'doms' you have met are not a dom in your eyes. Fakes aside - consider what you WOULD see as a dominant person. Forget gender. Don't get fixated on physicality or reality of pain. It is a state of mind in both parties to achieve an end.

Your profile names actually illustrate the complexity of D/s - Pitstop is ostensibly a pretty, helpless vacuous character BUT regularly manipulates other WR'ers to help her win the race - notably the gun wielding Mafia male group the Anthill Mob. Dastardly is uber male, violent, aggressive, bullying; all weapons and tricks, but never wins (once possibly). Who is the D in all of that?

Before you go Pah kids cartoons. Those cartoons were designed and drawn by some pretty alt individuals at a time when sexual identities were radically shifting. They layered their sexual metaphors like Kenneth Williams never could.

"

Brilliant, used to love that programme and absolutely see the point you’re making

Must admit these forums always surprises me, that so called open minded, sexually free adults can question others kinks or desires, in such a negative and superior attitude.

Nowt as queer as folk

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

Personally I really enjoyed my exploration of D/s. I'm not a fan of pain (giving or receiving) but I did enjoy the mental aspects of it and it gave me huge confidence to explore my sexuality at a time when my sexual confidence had been lacking for years.

Each to their own.

If it helps OP I've also been to places where I've needed K&R insurance and an armed guard, but I've never really found that to have any bearing on any of my sexual proclivities (though one of my drivers in Russia was a favourite masturbatory fantasy of mine for a few years).

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By *acky Racers OP   Couple
over a year ago

Lincoln


"Personally I really enjoyed my exploration of D/s. I'm not a fan of pain (giving or receiving) but I did enjoy the mental aspects of it and it gave me huge confidence to explore my sexuality at a time when my sexual confidence had been lacking for

Each to their own.

If it helps OP I've also been to places where I've needed K&R insurance and an armed guard, but I've never really found that to have any bearing on any of my sexual proclivities (though one of my drivers in Russia was a favourite masturbatory fantasy of mine for a few years)."

Yes, can be an 'interesting' place to work, but full of hot people!

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By *ensualMan
over a year ago

Sutton

I never understood the joy of fishing and if I want a fish I let Captain Birdseye do the work, that's an alpha fisherman.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sub play with Nipple clamps, gimp suits and candle wax aren’t great, but being a sub made to suck and get fucked with a couple works

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By *DW1983Man
over a year ago

Peterborough, Aberdeen, Leeds, Sheffield

Some really good answers above about the dynamics of a D/s relationship and the reasons, all worth reading and noting. I won't repeat it, but just add a few of my own thoughts.

There are lots of things lots of people don't understand, and it's not for everyone. I think that on a site like this, it's not something most people know about, beyond a very superficial overview.

With regard to "Doms"/"subs", lots of people seem to confuse that with "tops"/"bottoms", and many guys who portray themselves as "Dom" in the context of places like Fab see it as some kind of tag that equates to "you will do as I say" without really knowing the background or meaning.

I'm definitely top, I'll always be the one holding the flogger or whatever, but would hesitate to say "Dom", especially in the context of a club where I was chatting to someone I didn't know. I think part of the OP's problem is that they're been approached by "Doms" in completely the wrong context. I've been lucky to scene with some wonderful, very attractive women in kink clubs, not because I've marched up and said "I'm a dom, I'm going to X, Y and Z" but by having built up the skills to be recognised that I know what I'm doing, and by being asked to top.

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