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being judged

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By *ub bbw OP   Woman
over a year ago

oldbury

I suppose everyone has been judged at some point but it really gets to me how people can make assumptions about peoples relationships whether they are swingers or not. I have been told today i am in an abusive relationship and should be looking for a loving caring one with some one who will treat me right it made me angry then made me laugh as i get spoilt and treated better than ever before but people dont see that they just see dom/sub and think abuse. Grrrrrrrr how do you deal with being judged by people whether its your relationship or life in general. I tend to see red and then put them straight in a very blunt manner

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

It doesn't bother me... it used to, not now.

years on the forum have taught me that...

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

but I judge everyday

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I suppose everyone has been judged at some point but it really gets to me how people can make assumptions about peoples relationships whether they are swingers or not. I have been told today i am in an abusive relationship and should be looking for a loving caring one with some one who will treat me right it made me angry then made me laugh as i get spoilt and treated better than ever before but people dont see that they just see dom/sub and think abuse. Grrrrrrrr how do you deal with being judged by people whether its your relationship or life in general. I tend to see red and then put them straight in a very blunt manner"
thats because some dont know the diffrence between a sub/Master relationship and the other type ie living with a violent arshole

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By *ub bbw OP   Woman
over a year ago

oldbury


"It doesn't bother me... it used to, not now.

years on the forum have taught me that..."
very true

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I try not to let it bother me easier said than done sometimes ,but as long as your happy bugger what everyone else thinks that's my opinion x

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By *ub bbw OP   Woman
over a year ago

oldbury


"thats because some dont know the diffrence between a sub/Master relationship and the other type ie living with a violent arshole "
very true or one who lies to you at every opportunity

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I prefer to accept the people have a different lifestyle and relationship style to me and that it is their right to a choice on how they live their life as is mine even if I don't agree with it

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By *acreadCouple
over a year ago

central scotland

If its being judged by ppl on here then noone realy gets to know you by your profile or what your _iews are on the forums and if its by ppl who know you personally then those who judge in general judge you by not being/doing what they do and as such its normally only someones opinion

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By *ub bbw OP   Woman
over a year ago

oldbury

flojo your right i know i just struggle not to see red it angers me they see him in a bad way when he is the most genuine guy ive ever met hopefully now more people have read that damn book they might try to understand it better

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

well people will think what they like.

doesnt matter what i say to them.

if they dont say it to your face, they will say it behind your back anyway.

i think its just human nature to judge people.

i do it myself, think things about people on here who i dont even know sometimes.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"flojo your right i know i just struggle not to see red it angers me they see him in a bad way when he is the most genuine guy ive ever met hopefully now more people have read that damn book they might try to understand it better"

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By *heekyladyCouple
over a year ago

manchester

It's because they are ignorant .... After all isn't it the sub in the relationship who is the one in charge in reality .......

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 08/07/12 18:03:33]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i never judge anyone

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Many years ago I was with a Master for 5 years,people judging is what broke us up,I was young and naive.Those 5 years I was loved and cherished more than any other time in my life,if I could turn back time I would.Now I don't listen to what people say,will go with my heart x

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

Oh people will always judge, human nature.

Quite partial to it myself.

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

trust me, you could come on here and be a complete **** and still be liked by some

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By *john121Man
over a year ago

staffs

[Removed by poster at 08/07/12 18:18:27]

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By *john121Man
over a year ago

staffs

I understand that people live their lives how they want.

However, unless you can find other words that don't suggest that one of the couple is valued less than the other some will see it as an abusive relationship.

Perhaps it should be Corporal-Private instead of Dom-Sub or master-slave

Just a thought

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By *ub bbw OP   Woman
over a year ago

oldbury


"Many years ago I was with a Master for 5 years,people judging is what broke us up,I was young and naive.Those 5 years I was loved and cherished more than any other time in my life,if I could turn back time I would.Now I don't listen to what people say,will go with my heart x "

Im Sorry yours came to an end im lucky that Sir tells me its not what they think that matters its what we think and know and if i ever feel its abusive i must tell him as it would hurt him to think he was doing something that was classed as abuse

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By *ub bbw OP   Woman
over a year ago

oldbury


"It's because they are ignorant .... After all isn't it the sub in the relationship who is the one in charge in reality ......."

Yes one word from me and everything is over

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think you can judge them too quickly as well.

I have known of some guy who loved being Dom with women who he turned into a sub as time went along.

The thing is, he turned violent over time and some people have linked the two together.

"Guy likes making women into subs, he then turns violent!" - lightbulb moment for some.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

Didnt you know im with a dirty old man and im only with him for his money. Seriously i couldnt give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks, its my relationship think what they like im certainly dont feel the need to justify myself to others

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It's because they are ignorant .... After all isn't it the sub in the relationship who is the one in charge in reality .......

Yes one word from me and everything is over"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I suppose everyone has been judged at some point but it really gets to me how people can make assumptions about peoples relationships whether they are swingers or not. I have been told today i am in an abusive relationship and should be looking for a loving caring one with some one who will treat me right it made me angry then made me laugh as i get spoilt and treated better than ever before but people dont see that they just see dom/sub and think abuse. Grrrrrrrr how do you deal with being judged by people whether its your relationship or life in general. I tend to see red and then put them straight in a very blunt manner"

Depends on who said it to you and how much they know. I can see that some people that care about you might be worried about you, especially if they don't understand. I do understand the dom/ sub thing but I also understand how people could see it as a bad thing/ abusive. I'm not sticking up for the judgemental people, just trying to say that there could be a heart behind what they have said.

However, they could of course be jealous or clueless or just ignorant.

As long as you are happy then that's all that matters.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't give a toss what others may think of me as I don't answer to them or live by their standards, whatever they may be.

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By *ub bbw OP   Woman
over a year ago

oldbury

it has been people we have met in swining circles a couple of single guys who are trying to lure me away from him but i just laugh at them and a few couples have commented on us too but they dont see what goes on behind closed doors behind us the laughter the kisses the cuddles then more tender moments and yes i am finally happy i am well cared for emotionally pysically and sexually so why would i not be happy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"it has been people we have met in swining circles a couple of single guys who are trying to lure me away from him but i just laugh at them and a few couples have commented on us too but they dont see what goes on behind closed doors behind us the laughter the kisses the cuddles then more tender moments and yes i am finally happy i am well cared for emotionally pysically and sexually so why would i not be happy "

Definitely jealousy on their part then. They must be able to sense the closeness between you. I'm happy for you. And jealous too lol x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You get it a lot.. I've had a lot on here to be fair.... But then I tend to not shout to the vanilla world but my close friends and family know... And to be honest they can see how content and happy I am... So its not really an issue...

I find it tends to be judged more on places like here to be fair... As I am obviously open about things on here...

I am proud of my slave status... And that very word causes some people issues.. but i just get on with It.. I'm happy and content and loved... So what does it matter what others think.

Cali

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't bother me totally oblivious

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's dangerous when people prod and pry in the everyday affairs of others. It's better to say nothing and keep such things out the scope of things "here", than offer an answer that is based on your own world-_iew that may not neccessarily be that of others.

...bit wordy for live and let live, but there...

Wolf

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By *ngelsdevilWoman
over a year ago

Merseyside

Lovely,

if your happy, which by what you've wrote you are, then it's got bugger all else to do with anyone else!

Enjoy your life and be happy

x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

People will judge all the time, don't see red, that's taking up energy, just smile and carry on.

I don't understand the dom/sub relationship. I have mopre tolerance if the female is the dominant one, maybe I have feminist tendencies. I struggle to understand how a guy can bring himself to hurt a woman.

But just because I don't understand it and do judge on it, that doesn't make me right. If people arfe happy with what they enjoy then bugger what anyone else says

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do I deal with judgemental people. Block em. Not on this site - in my vanilla life.

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By *ub bbw OP   Woman
over a year ago

oldbury


"You get it a lot.. I've had a lot on here to be fair.... But then I tend to not shout to the vanilla world but my close friends and family know... And to be honest they can see how content and happy I am... So its not really an issue...

I find it tends to be judged more on places like here to be fair... As I am obviously open about things on here...

I am proud of my slave status... And that very word causes some people issues.. but i just get on with It.. I'm happy and content and loved... So what does it matter what others think.

Cali "

Im proud to be his too so fully understand you cali

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I knew very little about dom/sub master/slave relationships.

It's only through Cali and others being totally frank and honest in these forums that I have learned so much.

So for all those who shut down and close their eyes and ears to these partnerships, there are many more like myself who do the opposite.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

to the OP.. The thing you have to remember is that to most its simply a man that gets off on "hurting" a woman... they do not understand that its far more complex than that in a proper bdsm relationship.

To your average non bdsm person they can not find much if any difference between a dominant hitting a sub/slave to a man that beats his wife...

You will find many can get it from the Domme to sub though, as for some reason it is seen as less wrong by people from outside the scene..

Thing is you have to look at it from outside..and think about it if you had no knowledge of bdsm... how would it seem to you... ??

AS I know before I had any understanding I couldn't see how any woman could let a man control her like that... I couldn't see what pleasure could be gained from it... I just thought the women were a little brainwashed into accepting beating.. and as I had in my past been in a abusive relationship, I PERSONALLY could see no difference..

Its funny how once you have a bit of knowledge it can suddenly make sense.

Cali

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I knew very little about dom/sub master/slave relationships.

It's only through Cali and others being totally frank and honest in these forums that I have learned so much.

So for all those who shut down and close their eyes and ears to these partnerships, there are many more like myself who do the opposite. "

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By *oco_slimCouple
over a year ago

lewisham


"I suppose everyone has been judged at some point but it really gets to me how people can make assumptions about peoples relationships whether they are swingers or not. I have been told today i am in an abusive relationship and should be looking for a loving caring one with some one who will treat me right it made me angry then made me laugh as i get spoilt and treated better than ever before but people dont see that they just see dom/sub and think abuse. Grrrrrrrr how do you deal with being judged by people whether its your relationship or life in general. I tend to see red and then put them straight in a very blunt manner"

The people who judge do not make u happy, pay your bills or make the sun shine, don't give your power over to them by giving a sh*t about there opinion.

Those who point the finger have the other fingers facing them!!!!

Chin up babes, you're fabulous x

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By *ub bbw OP   Woman
over a year ago

oldbury


"I suppose everyone has been judged at some point but it really gets to me how people can make assumptions about peoples relationships whether they are swingers or not. I have been told today i am in an abusive relationship and should be looking for a loving caring one with some one who will treat me right it made me angry then made me laugh as i get spoilt and treated better than ever before but people dont see that they just see dom/sub and think abuse. Grrrrrrrr how do you deal with being judged by people whether its your relationship or life in general. I tend to see red and then put them straight in a very blunt manner

The people who judge do not make u happy, pay your bills or make the sun shine, don't give your power over to them by giving a sh*t about there opinion.

Those who point the finger have the other fingers facing them!!!!

Chin up babes, you're fabulous x"
thank you very much much apreciated i might be fabulous but i cant spell for toffee lol. thanks everyone for your comments

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I suppose everyone has been judged at some point but it really gets to me how people can make assumptions about peoples relationships whether they are swingers or not. I have been told today i am in an abusive relationship and should be looking for a loving caring one with some one who will treat me right it made me angry then made me laugh as i get spoilt and treated better than ever before but people dont see that they just see dom/sub and think abuse. Grrrrrrrr how do you deal with being judged by people whether its your relationship or life in general. I tend to see red and then put them straight in a very blunt manner

The people who judge do not make u happy, pay your bills or make the sun shine, don't give your power over to them by giving a sh*t about there opinion.

Those who point the finger have the other fingers facing them!!!!

Chin up babes, you're fabulous xthank you very much much apreciated i might be fabulous but i cant spell for toffee lol. thanks everyone for your comments"

Eyyyyyy! What's spelling or typo's got to do with it?!

You're clearly fabulous and sweet. Xx

Friendly arse spank for the toffee comment

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By *ub bbw OP   Woman
over a year ago

oldbury


"thank you very much much apreciated i might be fabulous but i cant spell for toffee lol. thanks everyone for your comments

Eyyyyyy! What's spelling or typo's got to do with it?!

You're clearly fabulous and sweet. Xx

Friendly arse spank for the toffee comment "
dont do that i just wiggle it for more lol just ask Sir

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By *empting Devil.Woman
over a year ago

Sheffield

There was a really interesting article in yesterdays Guardian supplement G2 by Pamela Stephenson Connolly. It was written about the fifty shades books but raised some very pertinent points.

She may have started as a comedian but is now a psychologist specialising in psycho-sexual issues.

"Ten years ago I carried out an extensive psychological study of people in the BDSM community - the largest empirical study ever done at the time - to examine their psychological attributes and determine if there was any justification for the notion, commonly held, even within my field, that they were all psychologically disturbed. After giving each of the 132 participants four hours of psychological tests as well as a face-to-face inter_iew, I found that , in fact, the group was generally not unhealthy, and the instances of early abuse that had long been associated with the adult practice of BDSM were present in just a few.

...it has been firmly established - through the work of Peggy Kleinplatz, Charles Moser and others - that BDSM, played in a safe and consensual manner, is not proof of mental or physical illness, essential badness or emotional damage from the trauma of bad parenting, and that people cannot - and should not - be treated to cure it."

She also offers the most comprehensive damning of that *$#***$%$$ book that I have read...

Nil bastardum carborundum sister!

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By *ub bbw OP   Woman
over a year ago

oldbury


"There was a really interesting article in yesterdays Guardian supplement G2 by Pamela Stephenson Connolly. It was written about the fifty shades books but raised some very pertinent points.

She may have started as a comedian but is now a psychologist specialising in psycho-sexual issues.

"Ten years ago I carried out an extensive psychological study of people in the BDSM community - the largest empirical study ever done at the time - to examine their psychological attributes and determine if there was any justification for the notion, commonly held, even within my field, that they were all psychologically disturbed. After giving each of the 132 participants four hours of psychological tests as well as a face-to-face inter_iew, I found that , in fact, the group was generally not unhealthy, and the instances of early abuse that had long been associated with the adult practice of BDSM were present in just a few.

...it has been firmly established - through the work of Peggy Kleinplatz, Charles Moser and others - that BDSM, played in a safe and consensual manner, is not proof of mental or physical illness, essential badness or emotional damage from the trauma of bad parenting, and that people cannot - and should not - be treated to cure it."

She also offers the most comprehensive damning of that *$#***$%$$ book that I have read...

Nil bastardum carborundum sister!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was judged once - came last so didnt enter competition again i cried all the way home i was only 7 at time lol

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By *uyuksno1Man
over a year ago

poole


"I was judged once - came last so didnt enter competition again i cried all the way home i was only 7 at time lol "

love it

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Of course they could be right.

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By *ub bbw OP   Woman
over a year ago

oldbury


"Of course they could be right.

"
in what way? i am not in an abusive relationship in any way shape or form and my true friends have all told me how much i am blossoming with Sir in my life so no not by any means

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross


"Of course they could be right.

in what way? i am not in an abusive relationship in any way shape or form and my true friends have all told me how much i am blossoming with Sir in my life so no not by any means"

I actually think you protest too much. Seriously.

They are simply expressing their opinion, even though it's not wanted.

It irks you.

When you truly believe what you say it won't irk you. They can't sew doubt it has to be there to start with.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Let me try it this way.

I sort of agree with what they say.

I don't agree with your point of _iew but im never going to put up a thread asking others why YOU think what you do and Do what you do.........

because it TRULY does not bother me what you choose to do. Im happy to let you do it .....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No sorry but it Does annoy you when people suggest that your being abused... When you know that your not.

It's actually one of the only things that can rattle me But then I understand that without understanding that some people just can't see that its not...

As with the op My close friends have seen the positive improvements in how I am as a person... And in general a battered woman doesn't improve in confidence etc...

What woman wouldn't get defensive of the man she totally loves and trusts above all else...

Cali

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

A confident one.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A confident one."

See I disagree as I'm a very confident person.. to be fair I get why people can get the wrong idea.. so I will just tell from my personal experience and just maybe they may see that life isn't black and white.

Cali

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

It's hard to judge what sort of relationship anyone has just by what they say on a forum as you never have the full picture..... but some people do give off the 'victim' vibe not because of what they say about their partner, but what they say about other things, other people, events and so on.

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By *ub bbw OP   Woman
over a year ago

oldbury


"A confident one.

See I disagree as I'm a very confident person.. to be fair I get why people can get the wrong idea.. so I will just tell from my personal experience and just maybe they may see that life isn't black and white.

Cali "

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

Everyone judges wether they admit to it or not.

We are now and again into the Sub/Dom thing in bed but don't live the lifestyle so I suppose we are what others would call lightweights at it....but until looking it up I didn't realise how extreme it can be.

I am not suprised if people see it is abuse as some of the extreme stuff techinally is....BUT if you are playing that way and are happy with it....what does it matter what anyone else thinks of it? It is only another persons opinion.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

From my experience of being judged on here, you'd getting a fairer trial from Judge Jeffreys and Roland Freisler!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

tell them to read fifty shades and go and get a life

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"tell them to read fifty shades and go and get a life"

Please don't mention that book lol

Cali

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Let me try it this way.

I sort of agree with what they say.

I don't agree with your point of _iew but im never going to put up a thread asking others why YOU think what you do and Do what you do.........

because it TRULY does not bother me what you choose to do. Im happy to let you do it .....

"

I agree

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't waste your time worrying about what others think.

Anyone who knows me/reads my profile can see that I'm not one who suffers 'abuse' as a sub. Ignore them, they know sweet FA.

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By *bbandflowCouple
over a year ago

South Devon


"it has been people we have met in swining circles a couple of single guys who are trying to lure me away from him but i just laugh at them and a few couples have commented on us too but they dont see what goes on behind closed doors behind us the laughter the kisses the cuddles then more tender moments and yes i am finally happy i am well cared for emotionally pysically and sexually so why would i not be happy "

'meet in swining circles'..well if you are going to meet pigs you must expect to be judged..lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

since the fifty shades books have come out i have noticed this alot and its all down to these books people being stereotyped

its your business not theres x

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By *john121Man
over a year ago

staffs


"Everyone judges wether they admit to it or not.

We are now and again into the Sub/Dom thing in bed but don't live the lifestyle so I suppose we are what others would call lightweights at it....but until looking it up I didn't realise how extreme it can be.

I am not suprised if people see it is abuse as some of the extreme stuff techinally is....BUT if you are playing that way and are happy with it....what does it matter what anyone else thinks of it? It is only another persons opinion."

If technically it is then I'm a little confused especially taking into account the titles of master slave, I'll explain; slavery is an abusive act yet in his context it's consensual so therefor can't be a slave. If you dominate someone it's abuse of the subs rights yet again it's consensual..

So it's easy to see why people are confussed!

The titles do not fit the act or acts being committed.

Now there are lots of positions/situations in life where someone is shall we say always subordinate. But it's the connotation in a sexual situation that causes some to take issue and of course the violence that's also atributed to these situations, so maybe other terminology should be employed.

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