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Meet Anxiety

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire

In reference to pre covid times, I suffered from pre meet anxiety. It takes alot for me wanting to meet someone. Some judgemental fabbers say because I only have one verification meet must indicate I'm just looking for attention. Not at all, I have very healthy zest for sex and love variety. But in the past, been let down more than I had hot dinners so now developed hugh anxieties about online meets.

Anyone else is like me and like to share tips how to reduce the anxiety for future post lockdown meets? No trolling please. Much appreciated.

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By *atinocoupleCouple
over a year ago

SF, NY, London (in that order)

We feel that it's been such a long time now, that just a social with like minded people is a good place to start. No pressure mixers, just taking flirting and then ease into to it on a later date. No point rushing, none of us feel comfortable at the moment

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"We feel that it's been such a long time now, that just a social with like minded people is a good place to start. No pressure mixers, just taking flirting and then ease into to it on a later date. No point rushing, none of us feel comfortable at the moment"

It's the anxiety of being let down or they won't like me etc

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"We feel that it's been such a long time now, that just a social with like minded people is a good place to start. No pressure mixers, just taking flirting and then ease into to it on a later date. No point rushing, none of us feel comfortable at the moment"

Exactly this, try not to put too much pressure on yourself. If someone lets you down and is a no show, remember thats all on them and nothing to do with you at all. People are fickle and guys especially are all up for a meet, have a self play, blow their load and then get cold feet.

Take each step slowly and remember anyone who lets you down isnt worthy of having fun with you x

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By *atinocoupleCouple
over a year ago

SF, NY, London (in that order)


"We feel that it's been such a long time now, that just a social with like minded people is a good place to start. No pressure mixers, just taking flirting and then ease into to it on a later date. No point rushing, none of us feel comfortable at the moment

It's the anxiety of being let down or they won't like me etc "

I think most people have been let down on the night. However from your photos you have nothing to worry about, hot hot hot

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"We feel that it's been such a long time now, that just a social with like minded people is a good place to start. No pressure mixers, just taking flirting and then ease into to it on a later date. No point rushing, none of us feel comfortable at the moment

Exactly this, try not to put too much pressure on yourself. If someone lets you down and is a no show, remember thats all on them and nothing to do with you at all. People are fickle and guys especially are all up for a meet, have a self play, blow their load and then get cold feet.

Take each step slowly and remember anyone who lets you down isnt worthy of having fun with you x"

wow never thought about the reason is because they wanked too much

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"We feel that it's been such a long time now, that just a social with like minded people is a good place to start. No pressure mixers, just taking flirting and then ease into to it on a later date. No point rushing, none of us feel comfortable at the moment

It's the anxiety of being let down or they won't like me etc

I think most people have been let down on the night. However from your photos you have nothing to worry about, hot hot hot "

yes thank you but how do they deal with it mentally?

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By *lwaysup4it69Couple
over a year ago

Kirkby in Ashfield


"We feel that it's been such a long time now, that just a social with like minded people is a good place to start. No pressure mixers, just taking flirting and then ease into to it on a later date. No point rushing, none of us feel comfortable at the moment

It's the anxiety of being let down or they won't like me etc "

How could any guy not like you, I mean you are a gorgeous looking lady x

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By *atinocoupleCouple
over a year ago

SF, NY, London (in that order)


"We feel that it's been such a long time now, that just a social with like minded people is a good place to start. No pressure mixers, just taking flirting and then ease into to it on a later date. No point rushing, none of us feel comfortable at the moment

It's the anxiety of being let down or they won't like me etc

I think most people have been let down on the night. However from your photos you have nothing to worry about, hot hot hot

yes thank you but how do they deal with it mentally? "

We just remind ourselves that this is just fun, not real world, takes time but helps

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By *uper SaiyanMan
over a year ago

Birmingham

I have had no meets for fab, but for other things thats similiar, you just need to remember they are likely feeling it too. If you put yourself in the confident mindset of "if it happens cool, if it doesnt I will do something to make it worth it" then there is no loss for you

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"I have had no meets for fab, but for other things thats similiar, you just need to remember they are likely feeling it too. If you put yourself in the confident mindset of "if it happens cool, if it doesnt I will do something to make it worth it" then there is no loss for you"

So are you saying that some people ghost because they are too anxious about meeting? They either don't give you excuse or they give you a lame excuse.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mrs suffers from anxiety before we meet or go to a club.. even just a social.

She is always concerned that there will be expectations that push her out of her comfort zone. After 5mins and a glass of wine it completely goes and she relaxes into the environment perfectly...no matter how many times we meet it still happens...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I have had no meets for fab, but for other things thats similiar, you just need to remember they are likely feeling it too. If you put yourself in the confident mindset of "if it happens cool, if it doesnt I will do something to make it worth it" then there is no loss for you

So are you saying that some people ghost because they are too anxious about meeting? They either don't give you excuse or they give you a lame excuse. "

Yep they may be feeling as anxious, insecure or uncomfortable with a meeting as you do. It is easy to have an exciting conversation with an attractive stranger but to put your actual butt out there and go to meet them is a different challenge. Make concrete plans, inc. exact time&place; confirm or cancel early on the day. The more flex there is left on the arrangement the more likely people will bail without much fuss explanation or apology. It's super common and more a reflection on our times than anything else.

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By *ounty durham bbw coupleCouple
over a year ago

darlington

we do get very nervous before meets especially if they new people but always relax and enjoy it in the end

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am not anxious before I meet particularly mainly because I reframe it as excitement. I don’t tend to worry because worrying is not one of my personality characteristics. I make sure I really can trust the person I am meeting before I do, and socials help this process. Generally they are people I have chatted to for quite a long time before we finally meet up. However I do get performance anxiety during a meet which can affect me. I know why I get it, but haven’t resolved the problem. It is long standing and deeply engrained and I’m still trying to address it. Thankfully because I meet such lovely people they have always been understanding which really helps.

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By *ackformore100Man
over a year ago

Tin town


"I have had no meets for fab, but for other things thats similiar, you just need to remember they are likely feeling it too. If you put yourself in the confident mindset of "if it happens cool, if it doesnt I will do something to make it worth it" then there is no loss for you

So are you saying that some people ghost because they are too anxious about meeting? They either don't give you excuse or they give you a lame excuse. "

I don't think you can really guess at their reasons for no showing. We can all make wise arse comments, they are wankers, why would anyone no show for such a sexy woman, but only they know. All you can control is what you do and to an extent how that makes you feel. Manage your expectations, don't lose sight that this is just a bit of fun, accept you may have a few disappointments along the way and enjoy the ride, with all its imperfections. As we all know when it goes well its bloody good. Don't forget as well that on the other half of this meet, the other person is probably just as anxious as you are.

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire

any tips of knowing if the person you going to arrange a meet going to flake out? There must be tale tale signs?

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire

Trust me.. some men think women are dime a dozen and too self centured to think it's polite to tell the woman why he's not turning up

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By *attooBBWWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh


"any tips of knowing if the person you going to arrange a meet going to flake out? There must be tale tale signs? "

I really feel for you OP and I’d be happy to chat to you if you want to vent some more.

I get anxiety mixes with excitement. Mostly the excitement outweighs the anxiety and I get through it, but I almost feel I don’t want to be anxious so sometimes just don’t feel I’m in a place to arrange a meet. I suffer from anxiety anyway, so I’m always conscious of the feeling. If someone is worth it, I’ll go through it.

I had my first kinda last minute cancel yesterday as it goes. I’d already met this person in life outside of fab over a year ago and then he searched me out cos he knew I was here! We spoke all week and were looking forward to meeting yesterday. It was just over 1hr 45min drive for me and he messaged to cancel 2 hrs before we were supposed to meet just saying he wasn’t feeling it. I find rejection a horrible thing to deal with, I think it stems from younger relationships and it’s quite upset me and made me feel very down on myself. It made it worse that I posted something about it in the lounge and just seemed to get ridiculed by other women which has made me feel even worse!! I was ready to leave and did a full shave jeeez!

I think a huge indicator of guys cancelling is a reduction in interactions In the days leading up to a meet. This guy had ramped down his chat to me since Thursday and I kinda knew.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"any tips of knowing if the person you going to arrange a meet going to flake out? There must be tale tale signs? "

I haven’t had anyone flake out on me for over 15 years. That maybe due to the fact I only meet infrequently, but I think it is also that by the time I get round to actually meeting there is a high degree of mutual trust that has been built. I don't know of a substitute for that.

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"any tips of knowing if the person you going to arrange a meet going to flake out? There must be tale tale signs?

I haven’t had anyone flake out on me for over 15 years. That maybe due to the fact I only meet infrequently, but I think it is also that by the time I get round to actually meeting there is a high degree of mutual trust that has been built. I don't know of a substitute for that."

yes it's keeping that rapport for along period of time when men seem like they want a quick fuck and go

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"any tips of knowing if the person you going to arrange a meet going to flake out? There must be tale tale signs?

I really feel for you OP and I’d be happy to chat to you if you want to vent some more.

I get anxiety mixes with excitement. Mostly the excitement outweighs the anxiety and I get through it, but I almost feel I don’t want to be anxious so sometimes just don’t feel I’m in a place to arrange a meet. I suffer from anxiety anyway, so I’m always conscious of the feeling. If someone is worth it, I’ll go through it.

I had my first kinda last minute cancel yesterday as it goes. I’d already met this person in life outside of fab over a year ago and then he searched me out cos he knew I was here! We spoke all week and were looking forward to meeting yesterday. It was just over 1hr 45min drive for me and he messaged to cancel 2 hrs before we were supposed to meet just saying he wasn’t feeling it. I find rejection a horrible thing to deal with, I think it stems from younger relationships and it’s quite upset me and made me feel very down on myself. It made it worse that I posted something about it in the lounge and just seemed to get ridiculed by other women which has made me feel even worse!! I was ready to leave and did a full shave jeeez!

I think a huge indicator of guys cancelling is a reduction in interactions In the days leading up to a meet. This guy had ramped down his chat to me since Thursday and I kinda knew. "

aww thanks for sharing your honesty. Yes I do cbt for my anxiety but when it comes to men, I have such a negative opinion I love to shake it off but all I get from fab is timewasters

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"any tips of knowing if the person you going to arrange a meet going to flake out? There must be tale tale signs?

I haven’t had anyone flake out on me for over 15 years. That maybe due to the fact I only meet infrequently, but I think it is also that by the time I get round to actually meeting there is a high degree of mutual trust that has been built. I don't know of a substitute for that.

yes it's keeping that rapport for along period of time when men seem like they want a quick fuck and go"

Maybe I’m in a minority of men, but quick fuck and go’s are not something I am interested in at all. I like pleasure at leisure, so maybe that is another factor.

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By *atcherwankerMan
over a year ago

Birmingham


"I have had no meets for fab, but for other things thats similiar, you just need to remember they are likely feeling it too. If you put yourself in the confident mindset of "if it happens cool, if it doesnt I will do something to make it worth it" then there is no loss for you

So are you saying that some people ghost because they are too anxious about meeting? They either don't give you excuse or they give you a lame excuse.

Yep they may be feeling as anxious, insecure or uncomfortable with a meeting as you do. It is easy to have an exciting conversation with an attractive stranger but to put your actual butt out there and go to meet them is a different challenge. Make concrete plans, inc. exact time&place; confirm or cancel early on the day. The more flex there is left on the arrangement the more likely people will bail without much fuss explanation or apology. It's super common and more a reflection on our times than anything else."

This really does bear repeating. Although I'm not a Fab meeter I HAVE met women in the past, and I am an absolute mess of anxiety every time. What if she doesn't like me? What if she thinks I'm ugly? What if I'm too fat? What if I'm not muscly enough? What if she thinks I'm boring? What if SHE'S boring? What am I going to say? What should I talk about? What if she's not talkative? What if SHE doesn't show up? I've talked myself out of turning up for dates more times than I'd care to remember.

Add in the fact that you are clearly very very VERY attractive, which will exacerbate any feelings of inferiority on the chap's part, and it's honestly a minefield. I'm sure there are plenty of no-shows that are simply rude, arrogant, never planned to show up in the first place, but try and remember that may not be the case at all.

Off topic side-note to the person who's reply I quoted: LOVE that username!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"So are you saying that some people ghost because they are too anxious about meeting? They either don't give you excuse or they give you a lame excuse.

Yep they may be feeling as anxious, insecure or uncomfortable with a meeting as you do. It is easy to have an exciting conversation with an attractive stranger but to put your actual butt out there and go to meet them is a different challenge. Make concrete plans, inc. exact time&place; confirm or cancel early on the day. The more flex there is left on the arrangement the more likely people will bail without much fuss explanation or apology. It's super common and more a reflection on our times than anything else."

On regular dating sites I've arranged to meet someone and maybe that afternoon I'll message them because we hadn't agreed a location and they'll reply back that they'd made other plans because they hadn't heard from me for a couple of days... but they didn't think it worth mentioning they'd made other plans.

I get a lot of anxiety too so it really sucks to go through that when the other person has no intention of turning up

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire

The thing I learnt from fab is men who start their conversations in a certain way end up the ones who mess people about

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I am not anxious before I meet particularly mainly because I reframe it as excitement. I don’t tend to worry because worrying is not one of my personality characteristics. I make sure I really can trust the person I am meeting before I do, and socials help this process. Generally they are people I have chatted to for quite a long time before we finally meet up. However I do get performance anxiety during a meet which can affect me. I know why I get it, but haven’t resolved the problem. It is long standing and deeply engrained and I’m still trying to address it. Thankfully because I meet such lovely people they have always been understanding which really helps."

Knowing that things will still be ok even if the worst happens

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By *arksxMan
over a year ago

Leicester / London


"any tips of knowing if the person you going to arrange a meet going to flake out? There must be tale tale signs? "

There are no magic codes to life.

Life would be very boring, safe and predictable if it was.

Nor does an Internet article about the "10 signs he is in to you" have all the answers

Treat yourself with humility and you'll find others that have the same respect for themselves and others

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By *uper SaiyanMan
over a year ago

Birmingham

Can you really tell from language used and less interaction though? I know if I say im going to show up to something I will. But I only make sure I say if I am certain that I can. Thats what gets me past my anxiety when meeting/ doing new things/people

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"Can you really tell from language used and less interaction though? I know if I say im going to show up to something I will. But I only make sure I say if I am certain that I can. Thats what gets me past my anxiety when meeting/ doing new things/people"

yes from my experience I can. obviously there's exception to every rule but it be like 1 in 100

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"I am not anxious before I meet particularly mainly because I reframe it as excitement. I don’t tend to worry because worrying is not one of my personality characteristics. I make sure I really can trust the person I am meeting before I do, and socials help this process. Generally they are people I have chatted to for quite a long time before we finally meet up. However I do get performance anxiety during a meet which can affect me. I know why I get it, but haven’t resolved the problem. It is long standing and deeply engrained and I’m still trying to address it. Thankfully because I meet such lovely people they have always been understanding which really helps.

Knowing that things will still be ok even if the worst happens "

yes that's definitely cbt way of thinking

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By *ic_khan2341Man
over a year ago

Manchester


"We feel that it's been such a long time now, that just a social with like minded people is a good place to start. No pressure mixers, just taking flirting and then ease into to it on a later date. No point rushing, none of us feel comfortable at the moment

It's the anxiety of being let down or they won't like me etc "

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By *orbidden eastMan
over a year ago

london dodging electric scooters


"In reference to pre covid times, I suffered from pre meet anxiety. It takes alot for me wanting to meet someone. Some judgemental fabbers say because I only have one verification meet must indicate I'm just looking for attention. Not at all, I have very healthy zest for sex and love variety. But in the past, been let down more than I had hot dinners so now developed hugh anxieties about online meets.

Anyone else is like me and like to share tips how to reduce the anxiety for future post lockdown meets? No trolling please. Much appreciated. "

Just be calm and take it easy OP. It’s like when I had to get on a bus first time in three months. You just have to be strong and say to yourself I can do this and any soft respectful man does not understand this then it’s their loss

Just small steps you’ll be okay

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"yes that's definitely cbt way of thinking "

Q1: Imagine if we'd arranged to meet, which would you prefer: 1) I cancel at the last minute 2) I turn up but am too anxious to perform?

Q2: If you knew Q1 was a likely scenario would you have arranged to meet me in the first place? Do you find a lack of confidence a turn-off?

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"yes that's definitely cbt way of thinking

Q1: Imagine if we'd arranged to meet, which would you prefer: 1) I cancel at the last minute 2) I turn up but am too anxious to perform?

Q2: If you knew Q1 was a likely scenario would you have arranged to meet me in the first place? Do you find a lack of confidence a turn-off?"

yes I think so. I like confident men who can get many women.. thats the issue

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By *uper SaiyanMan
over a year ago

Birmingham

Maybe your just super intimidating

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"Maybe your just super intimidating "

i highly doubt that's the reason. i think men just love the chase and have many fingers in different pies

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By *uper SaiyanMan
over a year ago

Birmingham


"Maybe your just super intimidating

i highly doubt that's the reason. i think men just love the chase and have many fingers in different pies"

Yeah i meant it as a joke. The chase is exciting, but it seems to me that you have all the parts to suss out who is genuine (with the language and the motivation)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"yes that's definitely cbt way of thinking

Q1: Imagine if we'd arranged to meet, which would you prefer: 1) I cancel at the last minute 2) I turn up but am too anxious to perform?

Q2: If you knew Q1 was a likely scenario would you have arranged to meet me in the first place? Do you find a lack of confidence a turn-off?

yes I think so. I like confident men who can get many women.. thats the issue "

Yeah that sucks from my perspective because the way to gain confidence is through experience... but the point of my hypothetical was

Q3) Does the way you think about or judge men affect the way you feel they look at you?

No wrong answers. I felt that my upbringing was a very judgmental one and I internalised a lot of that in the way I'd harshly judge other people. Then I'd always be afraid that other people would think just as negatively about me.

I'm sure that 90% of the reason I'm on this site is that I want to feel accepted by a community of confident beautiful people instead of an outcast too anxious and afraid to go after what I want and instead nit picking at people's flaws from the sidelines to make my fragile ego feel better. If I had to guess, that's that sort of thing you pick up in men's messages when they later ghost you? They had you as a fantasy, now they have to show up in reality.

What I'm trying to do now is build a stronger sense of self and what my own values are so I'm not at the mercy of, and being constantly blown around by, the myriad of other people's opinions. If I'm always waiting for validation, something external to make me feel ok about myself, as you point out... women like confident men; I'll never get anywhere!

The great thing about this site, and the forums, is that it's allowed me to explore my kinks and see how they're related to, and an expression of, my anxieties.

At the risk I've massively over-shared hope this helps in some way even if you're own experience is a bit different.

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By *lwaysup4it69Couple
over a year ago

Kirkby in Ashfield

A bit of nervousness and being anxious add to the build up.fornthe meet for us

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I get anxiety period. Meet anxiety is for sure, even with somebody I already know!

Not had many meets really. Get anxiety about messaging women. That and being rebuffed / ignored. Coupled with self image issues.

Might have to set up a thread to help link people like this together... I’ll think of something.

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By *partharmonyCouple
over a year ago

Ruislip

I'd like to ask what makes you anxious about being let down? Is it because you would miss out on something you want? Is it that you think it's a comment on you and your desirability? Or something else?

We have been let down by people who contacted us asking to meet at a club. It's annoying but we didn't really treat it as a big deal. We hadn't lost anything. It's a reflection on them - they were rude for arranging something and the reneging. We knew they weren't worth bothering with again.

I think it would be easier to work out ways you could deal with your anxiety if you could explain what it is about a potential no-show that makes you anxious.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'd like to ask what makes you anxious about being let down? Is it because you would miss out on something you want? Is it that you think it's a comment on you and your desirability? Or something else?

We have been let down by people who contacted us asking to meet at a club. It's annoying but we didn't really treat it as a big deal. We hadn't lost anything. It's a reflection on them - they were rude for arranging something and the reneging. We knew they weren't worth bothering with again.

I think it would be easier to work out ways you could deal with your anxiety if you could explain what it is about a potential no-show that makes you anxious. "

I absolutely know mine is to do with self image and self confidence. Been working on it but... well yeah. Sometimes this site doesn’t help with either of those things...

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham


"Maybe your just super intimidating

i highly doubt that's the reason. i think men just love the chase and have many fingers in different pies"

That’s possible. You likely know better the real reasons than anyone here as you know the guys you’re choosing! Maybe they are looking for more than sex ? I was having a conversation earlier about this , when you have several offers to meet, the one that offers potentially more than sex is often much more appealing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think that camming as much as you can should help

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"I think that camming as much as you can should help"

i did that and they still don't turn up

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"Maybe your just super intimidating

i highly doubt that's the reason. i think men just love the chase and have many fingers in different pies

That’s possible. You likely know better the real reasons than anyone here as you know the guys you’re choosing! Maybe they are looking for more than sex ? I was having a conversation earlier about this , when you have several offers to meet, the one that offers potentially more than sex is often much more appealing "

humm, interesting

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"I'd like to ask what makes you anxious about being let down? Is it because you would miss out on something you want? Is it that you think it's a comment on you and your desirability? Or something else?

We have been let down by people who contacted us asking to meet at a club. It's annoying but we didn't really treat it as a big deal. We hadn't lost anything. It's a reflection on them - they were rude for arranging something and the reneging. We knew they weren't worth bothering with again.

I think it would be easier to work out ways you could deal with your anxiety if you could explain what it is about a potential no-show that makes you anxious.

I absolutely know mine is to do with self image and self confidence. Been working on it but... well yeah. Sometimes this site doesn’t help with either of those things..."

yes its difficult to work on it when you keep getting knock backs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I just plan to meet (socially or otherwise) somewhere that I would go to anyway at that time. So if there’s a no show, I’m still able to enjoy myself on my own.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I just plan to meet (socially or otherwise) somewhere that I would go to anyway at that time. So if there’s a no show, I’m still able to enjoy myself on my own. "

That is an excellent idea!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Exactly! Either a hotel meet where I buy some new sex toys for solo or joint play.

Or pub/coffee shop and take a book.

I do it for vanilla dates as well. Funnily enough been stood up more for those than meets

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'd like to ask what makes you anxious about being let down? Is it because you would miss out on something you want? Is it that you think it's a comment on you and your desirability? Or something else?

We have been let down by people who contacted us asking to meet at a club. It's annoying but we didn't really treat it as a big deal. We hadn't lost anything. It's a reflection on them - they were rude for arranging something and the reneging. We knew they weren't worth bothering with again.

I think it would be easier to work out ways you could deal with your anxiety if you could explain what it is about a potential no-show that makes you anxious.

I absolutely know mine is to do with self image and self confidence. Been working on it but... well yeah. Sometimes this site doesn’t help with either of those things...

yes its difficult to work on it when you keep getting knock backs "

Exactly so. And I guess it’s the same for women and men. In fact I dare to say it may be worse for women. Loads of crude messages, finally arrange to meet someone you like, then they stand you up. Sounds very demoralising

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"I'd like to ask what makes you anxious about being let down? Is it because you would miss out on something you want? Is it that you think it's a comment on you and your desirability? Or something else?

We have been let down by people who contacted us asking to meet at a club. It's annoying but we didn't really treat it as a big deal. We hadn't lost anything. It's a reflection on them - they were rude for arranging something and the reneging. We knew they weren't worth bothering with again.

I think it would be easier to work out ways you could deal with your anxiety if you could explain what it is about a potential no-show that makes you anxious.

I absolutely know mine is to do with self image and self confidence. Been working on it but... well yeah. Sometimes this site doesn’t help with either of those things...

yes its difficult to work on it when you keep getting knock backs

Exactly so. And I guess it’s the same for women and men. In fact I dare to say it may be worse for women. Loads of crude messages, finally arrange to meet someone you like, then they stand you up. Sounds very demoralising "

it definitely has been... the crude messages make you feel so cheap

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"I just plan to meet (socially or otherwise) somewhere that I would go to anyway at that time. So if there’s a no show, I’m still able to enjoy myself on my own. "

great idea

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'd like to ask what makes you anxious about being let down? Is it because you would miss out on something you want? Is it that you think it's a comment on you and your desirability? Or something else?

We have been let down by people who contacted us asking to meet at a club. It's annoying but we didn't really treat it as a big deal. We hadn't lost anything. It's a reflection on them - they were rude for arranging something and the reneging. We knew they weren't worth bothering with again.

I think it would be easier to work out ways you could deal with your anxiety if you could explain what it is about a potential no-show that makes you anxious.

I absolutely know mine is to do with self image and self confidence. Been working on it but... well yeah. Sometimes this site doesn’t help with either of those things...

yes its difficult to work on it when you keep getting knock backs

Exactly so. And I guess it’s the same for women and men. In fact I dare to say it may be worse for women. Loads of crude messages, finally arrange to meet someone you like, then they stand you up. Sounds very demoralising

it definitely has been... the crude messages make you feel so cheap "

Which is something a message should never do.

I get some women might be into that, but some guys need to realise that it’s not all women.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"it definitely has been... the crude messages make you feel so cheap "

Not that I've done it for a long time, but I used to send a lot of crude messages on dating sites.

I always felt like I was being ignored by women, being put in the friendzone, so I was trying to engage with women in a more sexual way.

It's pretty stupid looking back, but it took me a while to realise I had to find a better way of dealing with feeling that women had neglected me and general treated me like crap, dehumanised.

Maybe they don't mean to make you feel cheap, it's simply a reaction to how they feel.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"it definitely has been... the crude messages make you feel so cheap

Not that I've done it for a long time, but I used to send a lot of crude messages on dating sites.

I always felt like I was being ignored by women, being put in the friendzone, so I was trying to engage with women in a more sexual way.

It's pretty stupid looking back, but it took me a while to realise I had to find a better way of dealing with feeling that women had neglected me and general treated me like crap, dehumanised.

Maybe they don't mean to make you feel cheap, it's simply a reaction to how they feel.

"

Good on you for making the realisation! I get what you mean by how you felt though, I really do. It’s kinda self defeating. Nobody pays attention when you’re nice, so you be crude like the others and it makes them pay attention to the nice guys less. Just... sucks. And I’m not sure I even know the answer how to solve it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well the thing I found weird was that occasionally I'd accidentally say something offensive, or they'd take what I said the wrong way, and I'd get an earful from them.

Having insults thrown at me was like a promotion from being ignored, at least I was getting some attention now.

Anyway, don't want to digress too much from the OP

I feel like there's something quite similar about where we're getting stuck on here but I'm not sure if that's just me being too self-centered

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"Well the thing I found weird was that occasionally I'd accidentally say something offensive, or they'd take what I said the wrong way, and I'd get an earful from them.

Having insults thrown at me was like a promotion from being ignored, at least I was getting some attention now.

Anyway, don't want to digress too much from the OP

I feel like there's something quite similar about where we're getting stuck on here but I'm not sure if that's just me being too self-centered "

as least you're honest and the person tells you so. Yes when men cross the line with me pre meet, I say and stop contact. I dislike really needy, demanding, insensitive, self centured men. but I let them know, wouldn't ghost, especially if we about to arrange to meet. It different if we just chatted for very short time. Been accused of being a time waster because I make it clear I changed my mind because I discovered something about them made me feel very uncomfortable and put me off wanting to meet them.

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"it definitely has been... the crude messages make you feel so cheap

Not that I've done it for a long time, but I used to send a lot of crude messages on dating sites.

I always felt like I was being ignored by women, being put in the friendzone, so I was trying to engage with women in a more sexual way.

It's pretty stupid looking back, but it took me a while to realise I had to find a better way of dealing with feeling that women had neglected me and general treated me like crap, dehumanised.

Maybe they don't mean to make you feel cheap, it's simply a reaction to how they feel.

Good on you for making the realisation! I get what you mean by how you felt though, I really do. It’s kinda self defeating. Nobody pays attention when you’re nice, so you be crude like the others and it makes them pay attention to the nice guys less. Just... sucks. And I’m not sure I even know the answer how to solve it."

there's being too nice, you sound too boring or needy, being too sexual too soon and too much, it turns women's stomach. just be normal. talk to them like you're having a pleasant conversation with a stranger in a pub. duno why men think they need to act weird online. if you wouldn't say it in person to someone in the pub, where others can hear, DON'T SAY IT ONLINE

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"it definitely has been... the crude messages make you feel so cheap

Not that I've done it for a long time, but I used to send a lot of crude messages on dating sites.

I always felt like I was being ignored by women, being put in the friendzone, so I was trying to engage with women in a more sexual way.

It's pretty stupid looking back, but it took me a while to realise I had to find a better way of dealing with feeling that women had neglected me and general treated me like crap, dehumanised.

Maybe they don't mean to make you feel cheap, it's simply a reaction to how they feel.

Good on you for making the realisation! I get what you mean by how you felt though, I really do. It’s kinda self defeating. Nobody pays attention when you’re nice, so you be crude like the others and it makes them pay attention to the nice guys less. Just... sucks. And I’m not sure I even know the answer how to solve it.

there's being too nice, you sound too boring or needy, being too sexual too soon and too much, it turns women's stomach. just be normal. talk to them like you're having a pleasant conversation with a stranger in a pub. duno why men think they need to act weird online. if you wouldn't say it in person to someone in the pub, where others can hear, DON'T SAY IT ONLINE "

Yep. Pleasant conversation in a pub with a stranger... nope. Too much anxiety thank you. Too much... and there were are I’m already over thinking it.

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By *entlecaressMan
over a year ago

Wakefield/ Beverley


"We feel that it's been such a long time now, that just a social with like minded people is a good place to start. No pressure mixers, just taking flirting and then ease into to it on a later date. No point rushing, none of us feel comfortable at the moment

It's the anxiety of being let down or they won't like me etc "

When the negative voice starts then look for the evidence that this is the truth. If you can't find the evidence then you can dismiss it. It's not easy to do initially but if you keep doing it eventually you balance the thoughts then you can take control of the anxiety.

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By *esparate danMan
over a year ago

glasgow

Get to know them online before being pressured into meeting straight away

Easy peasy

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"Get to know them online before being pressured into meeting straight away

Easy peasy "

ha I wish it was that SIMPLE

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"it definitely has been... the crude messages make you feel so cheap

Not that I've done it for a long time, but I used to send a lot of crude messages on dating sites.

I always felt like I was being ignored by women, being put in the friendzone, so I was trying to engage with women in a more sexual way.

It's pretty stupid looking back, but it took me a while to realise I had to find a better way of dealing with feeling that women had neglected me and general treated me like crap, dehumanised.

Maybe they don't mean to make you feel cheap, it's simply a reaction to how they feel.

Good on you for making the realisation! I get what you mean by how you felt though, I really do. It’s kinda self defeating. Nobody pays attention when you’re nice, so you be crude like the others and it makes them pay attention to the nice guys less. Just... sucks. And I’m not sure I even know the answer how to solve it.

there's being too nice, you sound too boring or needy, being too sexual too soon and too much, it turns women's stomach. just be normal. talk to them like you're having a pleasant conversation with a stranger in a pub. duno why men think they need to act weird online. if you wouldn't say it in person to someone in the pub, where others can hear, DON'T SAY IT ONLINE

Yep. Pleasant conversation in a pub with a stranger... nope. Too much anxiety thank you. Too much... and there were are I’m already over thinking it."

see I travelled extensively and worked in public jobs to never be bothered by anxiety of speaking to people in person. ask me to make a phone call, I hate it. Meeting men online, even worse

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We have both had low esteem and anxiety our whole lives .

In fact we entered this world to try and work through a lot of the issues .

Build some confidence .

I have spent my life building up shield walls so it's time for folk to see me and indeed us as the people we are .

Scary it is. Overcome it we must.

It does mean my social skills leave much to be desired

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"see I travelled extensively and worked in public jobs to never be bothered by anxiety of speaking to people in person. ask me to make a phone call, I hate it. Meeting men online, even worse "

I thought it was just me. I hate talking to people on the phone unless I know them quite well. Am more relaxed having a first date face-to-face, it feels like there's less pressure to fill any momentary silences and you can read someone's body language. There is that thing about anxiety that it can be because you are focusing on yourself too much, being self-conscious, but if you can focus on the other person more it can be easier.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"We have both had low esteem and anxiety our whole lives .

In fact we entered this world to try and work through a lot of the issues .

Build some confidence .

I have spent my life building up shield walls so it's time for folk to see me and indeed us as the people we are .

Scary it is. Overcome it we must.

It does mean my social skills leave much to be desired"

I have a lot of regrets about things I didn't do when I was younger for those reasons. I'm a little envious you've found someone to be here with supporting you but I'll wish you luck anyway

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By *hilliandspiceMan
over a year ago

Wimborne

Before any meet I (chilli, male) am a total nervous wreck, spice (her) is as calm as a cucumber.

I hope that doesn't change in reality, I channel the nerves, making me feel like I am truly alive and living that moment.

Get what you mean about nerves but I for one wouldn't do without them. Good luck with it though, I can imagine it could become too distracting.

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By *andb69Couple
over a year ago

leeds

I think we have said this before in response to one of your posts: try a club. They're safe and usually clean, you get to meet a great group of like minded people, and best of all you get to see potential playmates before making any commitment to play and that removes anxiety - and if there's nobody that takes your fancy you can just enjoy watching.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"In reference to pre covid times, I suffered from pre meet anxiety. It takes alot for me wanting to meet someone. Some judgemental fabbers say because I only have one verification meet must indicate I'm just looking for attention. Not at all, I have very healthy zest for sex and love variety. But in the past, been let down more than I had hot dinners so now developed hugh anxieties about online meets.

Anyone else is like me and like to share tips how to reduce the anxiety for future post lockdown meets? No trolling please. Much appreciated. "

I get the exact same feelings myself

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