FabSwingers.com forum: I think I have a problem with sex addiction

By *iazs1983 OP Man
over a year ago

Wycombe

Hi all, I’m fairly new here and meet a few people already.

Over the last 10 years I’ve meet over 500 guys and a few of them were girls. For bjs and fucking, I’m a top only.

It’s got worse in my dirty thirties!

I was just wondering at what point do I seek help? Should I even be worried? I’m clean and tested so that’s not a problem.

I enjoy chatting, meeting and fucking. I don’t like clingy people but do like regular fuck buddies. I’m not the greatest looker and neither do I have the biggest dick. I just enjoy fucking.

Has anyone else had these thoughts? I do feel a bit better looking at some people’s verifications in the hundreds.

Fiaz

I’m in bucks so if there’s support groups etc let’s me know

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The doctor referred me to ‘sex addicts anonymous’. It wasn’t a help though. I think they have a questionnaire on their website. Due to a quick calculation though you average out at one a week and I don’t think that would qualify you anywhere near an ‘addict’. But have a look and see if you fit any of the categories.

You’re right to seek help though and you’ve made the first step. There’s been threads on this before and lots appear to have had the help they needed. Good luck.

(Goodnitegirl) xx

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By *oodnitegirlWoman
over a year ago

Yorkshire

"The doctor referred me to ‘sex addicts anonymous’. It wasn’t a help though. I think they have a questionnaire on their website. Due to a quick calculation though you average out at one a week and I don’t think that would qualify you anywhere near an ‘addict’. But have a look and see if you fit any of the categories.

You’re right to seek help though and you’ve made the first step. There’s been threads on this before and lots appear to have had the help they needed. Good luck.

(Goodnitegirl) xx

Following

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By *ove3funCouple
over a year ago

Cheltenham

Sounds like you are living life on your terms, I wouldn't call that a problem...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Does it drastically interfere with your life in unwanted ways? Are you often late for work because you've been up all night? Are you neglecting family and friends due to it? Does it affect your concentration to the extent it has a negative impact on work performance?......That is when to seek help.

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By *partharmonyCouple
over a year ago

Ruislip

I'm no expert, but I start considering something to be an addiction when it becomes a focus that you have to feed and can't live without. Enjoying something frequently is fine. Needing it to function properly is much more of a problem.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm no expert, but I start considering something to be an addiction when it becomes a focus that you have to feed and can't live without. Enjoying something frequently is fine. Needing it to function properly is much more of a problem. "

Agree - if its getting in the way of other things and takes over your life consider seeking help, if its just fun enjoy yourself. Like the gambling sites say when the fun stops,stop

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

If the cost of how you are living is too high to sustain, even if then this is just not feeling in control of your life, then you could assess your options. The total amount of partners is not an issue, if you are healthy physically and mentally and you are not being unfaithful, when it could involve deceit.

Many of us choose to be single and have no strings involvement with others, even if it's just longer term fbs.

Where you don't feel in control of your life, then you could opt for help, such as talking things through with a therapist or via other means.

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By *xMFM3sumsxxWoman
over a year ago

SouthWest Lancashire

Sex addicts often are avoiding intimacy. Just the fact that you are questioning yourself makes me wonder if you are having problems? I never questioned myself until i hit problems so that's why i'm thinking the way i am.

I found SAA helpful personally and going onto anti-anxiety meds helped a bit more. I feel very much like my sex life is under my control now and not a priority as it used to be.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Does it drastically interfere with your life in unwanted ways? Are you often late for work because you've been up all night? Are you neglecting family and friends due to it? Does it affect your concentration to the extent it has a negative impact on work performance?......That is when to seek help."
this is so true...

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By *heIcebreakersCouple
over a year ago

Cramlington

"Hi all, I’m fairly new here and meet a few people already.

Over the last 10 years I’ve meet over 500 guys and a few of them were girls. For bjs and fucking, I’m a top only.

It’s got worse in my dirty thirties!

I was just wondering at what point do I seek help? Should I even be worried? I’m clean and tested so that’s not a problem.

I enjoy chatting, meeting and fucking. I don’t like clingy people but do like regular fuck buddies. I’m not the greatest looker and neither do I have the biggest dick. I just enjoy fucking.

Has anyone else had these thoughts? I do feel a bit better looking at some people’s verifications in the hundreds.

Fiaz

I’m in bucks so if there’s support groups etc let’s me know "

Sex addiction doesn't exist. It was coined as a term by Christian evangelicals as conversion therapy started getting a bad press - got to keep the $ coming in - and convincing people they are sick and can pay for snake oil is a time honoured tradition

If your sex life is causing you distress and interfering with other things you want to do therapy to explore why is worthwhile - not to treat non existent addiction but to work on the shame/self sabotage and displacement. You make a choice each time You have sex, only you know why you make that choice. Only you know if that choice makes you unhappy - if it is making you unhappy you need to work on why you are doing something that makes you unhappy. Good luck xx

Ms Icebreaker

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By *heIcebreakersCouple
over a year ago

Cramlington

You’re right to seek help though and you’ve made the first step. There’s been threads on this before and lots appear to have had the help they needed. Good luck.

(Goodnitegirl) xx

You should report your doctor to Pals and the BMA sex addiction isn't in the ICD and this referal was completely unethical

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By *xMFM3sumsxxWoman
over a year ago

SouthWest Lancashire

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypersexuality#As_a_disorder

It is classed as a disorder in the ICD.

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By *racy_JacksWoman
over a year ago

Derby

I do a bit of work in this area and yes, the sex addiction label is contentious.

Hyper sexual disorder as recognised in the ICD is an impulse disorder, which is different to an addiction. As it stands, the empirical evidence for sex addiction is fairly weak

It can be quite disempowering and damaging for people to understand problems with sexual self control as an addiction (eg part of a 12 step programme is admitting that you are powerless in the face of your addiction).

Instead I would find a sex positive therapist, rather than a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, or something like SAA.

Check out the work of Doug Braun-Harvey

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By *antra MassageMan
over a year ago

South Side.

I can understand why a doc might refer him to someone else. A GP would have little knowledge of this. I know people who believe themselves to be addicted to sex, as their behaviour had resulted in them losing jobs, etc. I would suggest meeting a sex positive therapist for a series of sessions and tease out all the issues.

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By *heIcebreakersCouple
over a year ago

Cramlington

"Hi all, I’m fairly new here and meet a few people already.

Over the last 10 years I’ve meet over 500 guys and a few of them were girls. For bjs and fucking, I’m a top only.

It’s got worse in my dirty thirties!

I was just wondering at what point do I seek help? Should I even be worried? I’m clean and tested so that’s not a problem.

I enjoy chatting, meeting and fucking. I don’t like clingy people but do like regular fuck buddies. I’m not the greatest looker and neither do I have the biggest dick. I just enjoy fucking.

Has anyone else had these thoughts? I do feel a bit better looking at some people’s verifications in the hundreds.

Fiaz

I’m in bucks so if there’s support groups etc let’s me know "

Given your sexual orientation, you might want to think about working with a professional who understands your sexuality if you decide to work with one. There's an organization called Pink Therapy that trains therapists who work with queer and bi people - I don;t know if they have a directory, but if you decide you need help, finding a therapist who can empathize with you would be a good shout.

Personally though, unless shagging is getting in the way of the rest of your life, it doesn't sound to me like you have a problem...

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By *eepgliderMan
over a year ago

Chacewater

"... but I start considering something to be an addiction when it becomes a focus that you have to feed and can't live without. ... "

That defines most of us on here doesn't it?

We make a conscious decision that we will revel in this "problem" and feel happy for it.

Nature designed that something terrible happens to you if you don't "get" sex - and we manage the consequences while revelling in the state of well-being resulting from being egregious sex-addicts.

Surely?

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By *iazs1983 OP Man
over a year ago

Wycombe

Yes to all

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By *iazs1983 OP Man
over a year ago

Wycombe

"Sex addicts often are avoiding intimacy. Just the fact that you are questioning yourself makes me wonder if you are having problems? I never questioned myself until i hit problems so that's why i'm thinking the way i am.

I found SAA helpful personally and going onto anti-anxiety meds helped a bit more. I feel very much like my sex life is under my control now and not a priority as it used to be."

Thank you, I’ve been considering this. I was a little worried about the SAA being a bit too “churchy”??

as someone that doesn’t believe in religion although I totally respect people for believing in what they want as long as their is no harm.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I Do question myself regularly as to whether I am a sex addict. I can live without it but why become all boring and vanilla. I have the most boring job in the world, sat in front of a computer all day long at home on my own most of the time. If I didn't have an alternative sex life Mrs N would be the only person I meet and one or 2 of the couples we meet I would class as FWBs.

When we meet we don't just have sex. We chat, we laugh, we joke about life. I can't see the harm in it to be honest. It doesn't break the bank either. I'd class going out and getting pissed or stoned every night as an addiction.

No I think I have it under control.

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By *iner69erMan
over a year ago

inverness

Meeting people all the time for your addiction? Thats a problem i'd like to have, lol.

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By *ara JTV/TS
over a year ago

Bristol East

I was thinking that, too. Thanks, you saved me the trouble of writing it out.

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By *xMFM3sumsxxWoman
over a year ago

SouthWest Lancashire

I found SAA helpful personally and going onto anti-anxiety meds helped a bit more. I feel very much like my sex life is under my control now and not a priority as it used to be.

Thank you, I’ve been considering this. I was a little worried about the SAA being a bit too “churchy”??

as someone that doesn’t believe in religion although I totally respect people for believing in what they want as long as their is no harm."

The group i went to wasn't churchy at all. They do mention a higher power, which for some people will be God but for others it can be anything they want and basically means surrendering to anything but your addiction.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Of all the addictions you could have, sex addiction - if it actually exists, which is doubtful - is surely the least harmful.

Just enjoy life.

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By *aughty Lovers 69Man
over a year ago

Wallasey

Maybe we have an addiction too..... Always horny..... Always...

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By *ittleMissCaliWoman
over a year ago

all loved up

"Of all the addictions you could have, sex addiction - if it actually exists, which is doubtful - is surely the least harmful.

Just enjoy life."
it does exist and can be horrendously harmful.

Although dont think from what the op has said that they have a problem

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By *ikingpairCouple
over a year ago

Cambridge

"Of all the addictions you could have, sex addiction - if it actually exists, which is doubtful - is surely the least harmful.

Just enjoy life. it does exist and can be horrendously harmful.

Although dont think from what the op has said that they have a problem "

Agree. I have heard of people losing their jobs, wives,families, friends owing to sex addiction.

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By *iazs1983 OP Man
over a year ago

Wycombe

"The group i went to wasn't churchy at all. They do mention a higher power, which for some people will be God but for others it can be anything they want and basically means surrendering to anything but your addiction."

That’s great to know. I don’t mind if it was that way just want to know what to expect.

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By *rufinWoman
over a year ago

notts

I use sex to de-stress. My libido always increases massively when I am stressed out. It's a distractor for me, not an addiction.

I'd always recommend counselling/talking therapy (but I get it free through work). I didn't go because of issues around sex, or even talk about it, but I did realise why I can be a bit compulsive about it as an aside during bereavement counselling.

The only person I know who goes to sex addicts therapy just ended up shagging half the participants. So it's a useful way to meet new people

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By *xMFM3sumsxxWoman
over a year ago

SouthWest Lancashire

"Of all the addictions you could have, sex addiction - if it actually exists, which is doubtful - is surely the least harmful.

Just enjoy life. "

Addiction is a term that means compulsive physiological need for and use of a habit-forming substance, if that substance is the chemicals released during sex (and more so during risky sex) then yeah you are addicted. We know people can be addictied to the rush or numbing effect food gives them, so why not sex for the same reasons?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you want help from SAA you can get it, there is no number of people you have to have slept with to qualify. There isn't a group locally to me but I have spoken to a lovely lady over the phone from the organisation when I felt I was spiraling out of control. They didn't even ask how many people I'd slept with, it was more about the fact I was putting myself in dangerous situations and it was interfering in my daily life. I'd have a meander around the SAA website and it is informative and will point you in the right direction no matter where you are at.

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By *yesgreenMan
over a year ago

north and south

"If you want help from SAA you can get it, there is no number of people you have to have slept with to qualify. There isn't a group locally to me but I have spoken to a lovely lady over the phone from the organisation when I felt I was spiraling out of control. They didn't even ask how many people I'd slept with, it was more about the fact I was putting myself in dangerous situations and it was interfering in my daily life. I'd have a meander around the SAA website and it is informative and will point you in the right direction no matter where you are at. "
I had same problem in my late 20s and went to see about it and ended up in bed with the tutor and said work more and it works , Until I got a job in a hospital, But I was very professional and went to the loo and played a lot

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By *acktar74Man
over a year ago

leeds

SAA in Leeds have helped me a lot its not just about sex but the compulsion behind it.

Its understanding the addiction of what makes me stay on here when i should be going to work.

Its not a cure but a path way of help

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You'll grow up one day, once you reach maturity..

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By *ittleMissCaliWoman
over a year ago

all loved up

"You'll grow up one day, once you reach maturity.."
sex addiction is nothing to do with being mature. And it's an awful affliction

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I agree with some others on here. To me addictiom is when it becomes a hinderance to your every day life...until then you merely have a high sex drive. I want sex all the time but can crack on with my work and life quite easily around it so do not count myself an addict...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I did a questionnaire and got moderate sex addict but I wouldn’t read into online tests to tough.

Enjoy your sex drive and being young eventually it will calm down

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By *racy_JacksWoman
over a year ago

Derby

"I did a questionnaire and got moderate sex addict but I wouldn’t read into online tests to tough.

Enjoy your sex drive and being young eventually it will calm down

Those online tests (such as the sex addiction screening test) are actually a major way that people are ‘diagnosed’ and enter into therapy (as it is not an official diagnosis). The questions are very inclusive so it’s very easy to score as being a sex addict. Eg ‘have you ever used the internet to pursue sexual connections?’

The podcast Smart Sex, Smart Love has a recent episode on helping people to recover from sex addiction therapy. They liken it to gay conversion therapy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I did a questionnaire and got moderate sex addict but I wouldn’t read into online tests to tough.

Enjoy your sex drive and being young eventually it will calm down

The podcast Smart Sex, Smart Love has a recent episode on helping people to recover from sex addiction therapy. They liken it to gay conversion therapy. "

Totally agree with you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's refreshing to see it's at least being discussed on fab forums as I have found most people do not want to talk about it or are in denial about it.

So thanks for that.

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By *urveLurverMan
over a year ago

Skyview

I needed to see a psychologist last year, who sorted out problems I was experiencing.

At my final appointment I touched on what I consider to be my unusual and possibly not entirely healthy attitude to sex, ie wanting lots of it, but remaining unfulfilled. I have jeopardised countless friendships and destroyed virtually every sexual relationship I have had because of it.

I suggested that I may not possibly have a psychological problem and could it be that I was just a dirty bastard, who needed to control himself, just the same as some people with exhaustion issues are just lazy bastards and some people with weight problems are just greedy bastards? The psychologist did not answer directly - they were, after all a psychologist - but did give a sort of gentle smile of agreement.

Any thoughts please Fabbers?

And thanks to the OP for posting this and subsequent posters for such good, thoughtful information and views.

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By *heIcebreakersCouple
over a year ago

Cramlington

"I needed to see a psychologist last year, who sorted out problems I was experiencing.

Any thoughts please Fabbers?

And thanks to the OP for posting this and subsequent posters for such good, thoughtful information and views. "
Not sure if this helps, but here goes. You don't tell us why you were seeing a psychologist, but very often a clinical psych will deal with the presenting issue (i.e. whatever you went to them with) but not address anything else you raise, especially if they're an NHS clinical psych with a crushing workload and serious priorities around minimizing suicide and other harmful outcomes.

From my perspective, if you're left unfulfilled by the thing you desire, there's a big piece of work to be done around why you're unfulfilled, and why you keep doing the same thing that leaves you unfulfilled. That's a piece of work for a psychotherapist or counsellor, not necessarily a clinical psych. You'd probably have to pay for the work, but it may well be worth it if you are looking to change something.

Mr Icebreaker

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By *urveLurverMan
over a year ago

Skyview

"I needed to see a psychologist last year, who sorted out problems I was experiencing.

Any thoughts please Fabbers?

And thanks to the OP for posting this and subsequent posters for such good, thoughtful information and views. Not sure if this helps, but here goes. You don't tell us why you were seeing a psychologist, but very often a clinical psych will deal with the presenting issue (i.e. whatever you went to them with) but not address anything else you raise, especially if they're an NHS clinical psych with a crushing workload and serious priorities around minimizing suicide and other harmful outcomes.

Mr Icebreaker"

Thanks Mr Icebreaker. Very helpful advice.Do you know, to help rescue what remains of my life and protect any poor woman that may have the misfortune to become involved with me, I might just dig deep and try and find a counsellor as you suggest. Tricky to know where to start, but to be free of this grim, repetitive behaviour would be such a blessing. Thanks again.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How did you meet 500 people though? I can’t find one

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We all here with the same addiction ....SEX

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"We all here with the same addiction ....SEX

Mines looking at your profile

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Op... google is your answer.

You will find your answers on there. Nhs will have something im guessing.

Good luck.

Perhaps this lock down might give your time to reflect on the reasons behind your actions.. if there is any

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My naive understand of addiction in relation to sex addition is that there are two important but subtle distinctions.

If you're chemically addicted to a drug for example, changes happen in your brain that make you need more and more of the drug. If you don't have it you get withdrawal symptoms.

With 'sex addiction' it's quite likely that there is already some underlying issue which you are attempting to fix with sex. People with depression, for example, may have lower than normal levels of serotonin and dopamine, and you could be attempting to carry out behaviours to get yourself back to normal. Note how this isn't the 'getting high' of addiction, but a getting back to a healthy middle. Of course, the behaviour doesn't fix the problem (except perhaps extremely temporarily) and can have lots of negative side-effects.

Why do you do this? What do you feel you're getting from it?

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By *urveLurverMan
over a year ago

Skyview

"Op... google is your answer.

You will find your answers on there. Nhs will have something im guessing.

Good luck.

Perhaps this lock down might give your time to reflect on the reasons behind your actions.. if there is any"
Thank you Golden Wonder. You are right. Long struggle, but I have the time!

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By *urveLurverMan
over a year ago

Skyview

"My naive understand of addiction in relation to sex addition is that there are two important but subtle distinctions.

If you're chemically addicted to a drug for example, changes happen in your brain that make you need more and more of the drug. If you don't have it you get withdrawal symptoms.

Why do you do this? What do you feel you're getting from it?

Please, please, please, do your own research. These are controversial topics actively being studied by people far smarter and more informed than myself. I only wanted to mention it because if the problem is preceding the behaviour, then blaming the behaviour isn't going to help you - though you might still want to try limiting it if you feel it's doing you or others some harm. hth"
Food for thought there. Thank you. All this feels a bit like cutting my own hair and doing my own dentistry simultaneously, but the thoughtful, compassionate support and wealth of information and experience on here gives me great comfort. I guess the harder I work on this, the more I will benefit. Sadly, energy is not in abundance just now.

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By *ushynumberukWoman
over a year ago

Carmarthenshire

I totally agree I have been diagnosed with sex addiction and it definately comes from underlying sexual issues if you can't think straight, can't sleep until you have exhausted your sexual addiction and function properly in daily life which is affecting your relationships then it is time to get help. Nine times out of ten it is a mental issue which can be helped through counselling which I received that helped immensely although it didn't cure it, it gave me a better understanding as to why I was in a constant state of sexual arrousal. Also find someone highly sexed so you can exhaust the addiction together hope this helps. Cushynumberuk xxx

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By *urveLurverMan
over a year ago

Skyview

"I totally agree I have been diagnosed with sex addiction and it definately comes from underlying sexual issues if you can't think straight, can't sleep until you have exhausted your sexual addiction and function properly in daily life which is affecting your relationships then it is time to get help. Nine times out of ten it is a mental issue which can be helped through counselling which I received that helped immensely although it didn't cure it, it gave me a better understanding as to why I was in a constant state of sexual arrousal. Also find someone highly sexed so you can exhaust the addiction together hope this helps. Cushynumberuk xxx"

Thanks Cushy. I am outside you age range, so we won't be going any further! I am so glad you shared your experience with us though - thanx again.

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

500 over 10 years is only 1 a week on average so not a problem if it’s not causing you or others harm.

What makes you think it’s out of control ? Is it affecting work, friendships? Are there other connected addictions that are part of it ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am a recovering alcoholic, so have a lot of experience in addiction.

Addiction is have a compulsion to do something, but the action will have a negative effect.

I am in a relationship, I have never been swinging, but I cannot get the thought of swinging out of my mind. I know that if I did cheat on my partner, I would be full of guilt, shame and remorse. It's the thinking that is the problem in addiction.

Most alcholics and addicts will have troublesome sexual relationships, as the compulsion sometimes will lead to an action that the addict later regrets. It is common for addicts to have infidelities, and experiment with same sex relationships.

Having insight does not stop the thinking, but I can think things through and stop.

Having casual relationships with guys puts you in the high risk group of catching an STI, therefore you should seek help. Is there not a more fulfilling way to have sex relationships?

The insanitiy of addiction is that the addict will always want more - for my partner I am enough, but I have the desire to want to try threesomes that would probably have a negative effect on my relationship.

I hope this helps you.

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