FabSwingers.com forum: Advice appreciated..

By *adylydford OP Woman
over a year ago

altinkum

So... a bit of advice is what im after, though i expect that will be too difficult as noone knows his mind. Bear with me.. its a long post

I got a fb, its an extremely complicated dynamic to explain. Basically we found each other on a vanilla dating site 18 months ago. We went on a date and it went well and then he got very ill and he was in hospital for 3 weeks and during that time he decided he didnt want a girlfriend. So we became friends.

For about 5 months thats all we were and then we started sleeping together every few months. I discovered at this point he enjoyed this lifestyle too. I have seen his profiles on other sites saying what kinks he is in to and what toys he has and how he likes to explore and be sensual.

He knows what i like and our kinks cross over mostly. Im confused tgen as to why after all this time of us sleeping together, we even went away abroad for 2 weeks in the same bed.. why does he first refuse to indulge in any of the kinks we both enjoy, and secondly will not even discuss it when i asked him why we cant play like that.

Quite frankly it makes me feel shit, like im not good enough for him and he doesnt like me enough to do the things we both enjoy together.

Why does he do this and what should i do?

Im just starting to feel rejected all the time. I dont want to stop being his friend but im not in a brill place mentally right now and this rejection and refusal to talk about it is not helping atm.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have you considered that maybe he is interested in these kinks but maybe hasn't actually tried them with anyone yet? I have some interests on my profile that I haven't tried yet so maybe that's it? He maybe needs to pluck up the courage to try them.

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By *adylydford OP Woman
over a year ago

altinkum

"Have you considered that maybe he is interested in these kinks but maybe hasn't actually tried them with anyone yet? I have some interests on my profile that I haven't tried yet so maybe that's it? He maybe needs to pluck up the courage to try them. "

A good answer but i know others he has tried it on and he isnt backwards with coming forwards about things like this.

But thanks for reading and replying

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

For me, if I wasn't getting the answers I was looking for, I'd have to stop all communication and move on. I just don't have the mind-space for these mental games!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"So... a bit of advice is what im after, though i expect that will be too difficult as noone knows his mind. Bear with me.. its a long post

Quite frankly it makes me feel shit, like im not good enough for him and he doesnt like me enough to do the things we both enjoy together.

Why does he do this and what should i do?

Im just starting to feel rejected all the time. I dont want to stop being his friend but im not in a brill place mentally right now and this rejection and refusal to talk about it is not helping atm. "
can i ask what the kinks are and can i also ask do you have feelings for him?

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By *adylydford OP Woman
over a year ago

altinkum

Restraints, orgasm denial, teasing, toys, massage, spanking and i do have feelings for him but i keep them in check just fine. I dont do jealousy. If he wants to fuck other people thats no problem to me

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By *am DavisMan
over a year ago

Dunstable

nicholas.harry add me on Kik x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He might have feelings for you. He may be jealous of the thought of sharing you?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"nicholas.harry add me on Kik x"

So who is Sam Davis?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Restraints, orgasm denial, teasing, toys, massage, spanking and i do have feelings for him but i keep them in check just fine. I dont do jealousy. If he wants to fuck other people thats no problem to me"
maybe the restraints and spanking thing is something he likes to do to a stranger not someone he respects

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By *atex and KinkCouple
over a year ago

Edinburgh

18months is a long time to know someone and even though it is not a conventional relationship in terms of girlfriend boyfreind. It is still a relationship of sorts.

Perhaps as indicated previously it is a respect thing. He has you on this pedestal in which you are the nilla friend he can go to.

He may wish to keep the kink separate as this require perhaps a greater trust or intimacy and closer relationship.

That might be a mental stubbling block in your non conventional relationship.

One he is either not ready for or not willing to enter into due to the precoceptions of the "nilla relationship" you already have.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Coffee and a conversation !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"18months is a long time to know someone and even though it is not a conventional relationship in terms of girlfriend boyfreind. It is still a relationship of sorts.

Perhaps as indicated previously it is a respect thing. He has you on this pedestal in which you are the nilla friend he can go to.

He may wish to keep the kink separate as this require perhaps a greater trust or intimacy and closer relationship.

That might be a mental stubbling block in your non conventional relationship.

One he is either not ready for or not willing to enter into due to the precoceptions of the "nilla relationship" you already have."

This

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By *adylydford OP Woman
over a year ago

altinkum

Thanks for your suggestions we dont have any sort of relationship at all. Im fact the first thing he told people when we were waay was we are not together and im wrecking his chances of pulling. Lol

Also he dates other people. One or two dates and jokes his mate needed a favor so def no thoughts tgat we have any sort of anything other then friends.

He isnt jealous of me meeting others. Stated quite recently he doesnt care what i do when i joked he had put secret cameras in my new housr cos he has the spare keyd.

Literally i cant think of any other reason that would fit at all. Im not special in his life in any way. To him im just a friend he has vanilla sex with every now and then

Lol.!

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By *adylydford OP Woman
over a year ago

altinkum

"nicholas.harry add me on Kik x"

I dont have kik. States that in my profile.

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By *adylydford OP Woman
over a year ago

altinkum

"Coffee and a conversation !"

I asked him flat out tonight and he refused to answer full stop! Lol

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By *ilsaGeorgeCouple
over a year ago

kent

I’m sorry you’re going through such a thing. It isn’t easy when you cannot rationalise the behaviour of a person you are a close to.

A couple of the things you said above make it sound as if your friendship is rather casual in his mind. As hard as it is to hear, it could simply be that he doesn’t want those things with you, but he doesn’t want to be honest about it, because he doesn’t want to lose what he gets from you, or he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. Have you told him that you don’t understand and it’s hurting you? If he’s a genuine friend, hurting you is the last thing he will want to do.

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By *ooking4othersMan
over a year ago

Here ...

"Coffee and a conversation !

I asked him flat out tonight and he refused to answer full stop! Lol"

If he is not willing to discuss it then I don't think he sees you more than a FWB that he doesn't want to indulge your joint kinks with.

I think you accept it like this or move on IMHO.

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By *adylydford OP Woman
over a year ago

altinkum

"Coffee and a conversation !

I asked him flat out tonight and he refused to answer full stop! Lol

If he is not willing to discuss it then I don't think he sees you more than a FWB that he doesn't want to indulge your joint kinks with.

I think you accept it like this or move on IMHO. "

Oh he def doesnt see me as anything else and never will. I know and accept that already. Its more the fact it annoys me that he wont tell me why not which then starts making me think down on myself thats the annoying bit!

Yus i was one of those sulkey whiney WHYYY kids lol!

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By *adylydford OP Woman
over a year ago

altinkum

"I’m sorry you’re going through such a thing. It isn’t easy when you cannot rationalise the behaviour of a person you are a close to.

I told him how its making me feel, his answer... pineapples... as far as i can see he doesnt get anything from me he cant get if i wasnt here! Just bugging me like mad he wont say why!

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By *ooking4othersMan
over a year ago

Here ...

"Coffee and a conversation !

I asked him flat out tonight and he refused to answer full stop! Lol

If he is not willing to discuss it then I don't think he sees you more than a FWB that he doesn't want to indulge your joint kinks with.

I think you accept it like this or move on IMHO.

Yus i was one of those sulkey whiney WHYYY kids lol!"

Doesn't sound like you are accepting the situation ... you want answers but he doesn't want to explain ... you're doomed I tell ya .. lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Coffee and a conversation !

I asked him flat out tonight and he refused to answer full stop! Lol"

Maybe he has feelings for you that he tries to keep for himself and those kinks he sees as hurting or disrespecting you. Who knows in what set of mind he explores them with others.

Men aren't always good at expressing themselves so maybe he doesn't know how to say it without sounding horrible or telling too much about how he feels if he does have the feelings and doesn't want you to know about them.

Mrs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thanks for your suggestions we dont have any sort of relationship at all. Im fact the first thing he told people when we were waay was we are not together and im wrecking his chances of pulling. Lol

Also he dates other people. One or two dates and jokes his mate needed a favor so def no thoughts tgat we have any sort of anything other then friends.

He isnt jealous of me meeting others. Stated quite recently he doesnt care what i do when i joked he had put secret cameras in my new housr cos he has the spare keyd.

Literally i cant think of any other reason that would fit at all. Im not special in his life in any way. To him im just a friend he has vanilla sex with every now and then

Lol.!"
hey get out now is my advice, i really dont get why youre with him the label vanilla can only be attached to really boring uneventful sex, so you can get better elsewhere and hes being disrespectful to you so doesn't sound like a friend to me, why did you go on holiday for two weeks together?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thanks for your suggestions we dont have any sort of relationship at all. Im fact the first thing he told people when we were waay was we are not together and im wrecking his chances of pulling. Lol

Also he dates other people. One or two dates and jokes his mate needed a favor so def no thoughts tgat we have any sort of anything other then friends.

He isnt jealous of me meeting others. Stated quite recently he doesnt care what i do when i joked he had put secret cameras in my new housr cos he has the spare keyd.

Literally i cant think of any other reason that would fit at all. Im not special in his life in any way. To him im just a friend he has vanilla sex with every now and then

Lol.!hey get out now is my advice, i really dont get why youre with him the label vanilla can only be attached to really boring uneventful sex, so you can get better elsewhere and hes being disrespectful to you so doesn't sound like a friend to me, why did you go on holiday for two weeks together?

This. I think its a very one sided 'relationship' by the sounds of it tbh. I dont think he is respecting you enough. I would be wondering why I was around someone that doesnt want to even explain their actions to you.

Life is too short to be second guessing.

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By *adylydford OP Woman
over a year ago

altinkum

"Thanks for your suggestions we dont have any sort of relationship at all. Im fact the first thing he told people when we were waay was we are not together and im wrecking his chances of pulling. Lol

Also he dates other people. One or two dates and jokes his mate needed a favor so def no thoughts tgat we have any sort of anything other then friends.

He isnt jealous of me meeting others. Stated quite recently he doesnt care what i do when i joked he had put secret cameras in my new housr cos he has the spare keyd.

Literally i cant think of any other reason that would fit at all. Im not special in his life in any way. To him im just a friend he has vanilla sex with every now and then

Went on holiday together because i didnt want to be alone in a cold rainy country for my first birthday after my mum died. She was my only family so we went away to forget about it

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By *teveanddebsCouple
over a year ago

Norwich

It sounds like he wants NSA but you don't.

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By *0something1965Man
over a year ago

Belfast

I have to agree with the poster who says he has ypu on a pedestal. A long time ago, when i was very young, i fell in love with somone and knew them for a long time and, unfortunately, i never could think of them sexually. I fantacised about othrr women sexually but could never bting myself to think about her that way.

I think thats whats happened here (to an extent) but the levels have shifted slightly - he has you compartmentalised into an occasional sex buddy when HE needs YOU and doesnt see any other aspect to relationship (or care about it) - that is, probably, until you try to end it - then the tears will come - he'll be "sorry" - he wont have "realised" - he'll "make it up to you".

Id keep enjoying the sex if i were you. When you"re not enjoying it, or all this nonsense overtakes the benefits then id move on.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

To me it sounds likely he's not even a FWB just a FB and he gets exactly what he wants from the relationship and either can't explain it even to himself or simply doesn't respect you in the slightest!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It sounds like he's just using you x

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By *onkyLemonsCouple
over a year ago

Nottingham

"Thanks for your suggestions we dont have any sort of relationship at all. Im fact the first thing he told people when we were waay was we are not together and im wrecking his chances of pulling. Lol

Also he dates other people. One or two dates and jokes his mate needed a favor so def no thoughts tgat we have any sort of anything other then friends.

He isnt jealous of me meeting others. Stated quite recently he doesnt care what i do when i joked he had put secret cameras in my new housr cos he has the spare keyd.

Literally i cant think of any other reason that would fit at all. Im not special in his life in any way. To him im just a friend he has vanilla sex with every now and then

Went on holiday together because i didnt want to be alone in a cold rainy country for my first birthday after my mum died. She was my only family so we went away to forget about it"

Just wanted to pipe up and say that you should never blame yourself for someone else’s behaviour.

Just look at all the “great” relationships where one or both persons end up cheating and playing away. They can blame each other all they like, but ultimately it’s down to each individual to behave or act in any certain way - they always make the choice to just do it in the end, so it’s always on them and them alone.

As for your situation, just because HE doesn’t want to do all those things with you - doesn’t mean NOBODY will. There’s nothing “wrong” with you (no more than there is with anyone else at least), it just seems that you might need to cast that rod again and go land some more fish!

I hope you feel better about everything. I’m sure there are loads of people about for you to chat to, but you can always PM us if you want to batter!

Keep your head up OP! (and stick your chest out, makes your tits look bigger

)

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By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

Definitely a dilemma.

In all honesty if he knows its upsetting you and he valued your friendship or respected you from a sexual partners point of view or a kink point of view I think he would tell you even if he felt it would risk what you have.

Any type of good relationship involves respect.

Without knowing you or him, from the outside looking in it comes across as if he is just using you as a booty call and cant be arsed with anything more. It would seem even to fulfill both of your desires where kink is concerned.

I think it comes down to do you want to be respected by your partners because it doesn't appear he does.

Maybe time to move on.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Was my post all the way up at the top, too direct of a answer? I'm presuming so....

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By *ing-louisMan
over a year ago

Merthyr

To be honest I think you'd be better off without him. His refusing to answer any questions or get any deeper than just sex would suggest you're one of his booty calls.

You can do better than that

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By *esparate danMan
over a year ago

glasgow

His biggest kink seems to be gaslighting

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By *am4CamWoman
over a year ago

Fairy Land

"His biggest kink seems to be gaslighting "

Sadly, I agree. Step bravely away and leave him to play his silly games in another playground.

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By *manaWoman
over a year ago

Basingstoke

Fb and fwb are different. He sounds like an fwb. But communication is key.

I had a similar relationship with an fwb, it ended horrible about 6 months ago because we didnt communicate enough. Although we both shared kinks which is obviously different for you.

We have recently started our fwb relationship up again on the condition no matter what we communicate.

You will get hurt if he isnt on the same page with communicating. Dont let him shut you down, your feelings are just as valid as his and you need to have this talk.

I hope he listens to you, it's a horrible feeling xxxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have to agree with the poster who says he has ypu on a pedestal. A long time ago, when i was very young, i fell in love with somone and knew them for a long time and, unfortunately, i never could think of them sexually. I fantacised about othrr women sexually but could never bting myself to think about her that way.

Id keep enjoying the sex if i were you. When you"re not enjoying it, or all this nonsense overtakes the benefits then id move on. "

I like this OP, take this good advice x

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By *lbinoGorillaMan
over a year ago

Redditch

I have to say that I agree with a lot of the other comments on here, in that he's getting exactly what he wants but couldn't care less about you or what you want.

So-called friends like that you can do without.

However hard it is, I would cut off all contact with him and move on with someone better. Then, when he finally gets the hint and asks why, ignore him. Or at least refuse to discuss it with him.

People come into and out of our lives constantly. Some stay, some get left behind once they've served a purpose. This guy sounds like the latter. He helped you through a time when you needed him (albeit clearly on his terms) but now that time has gone.

Onwards and upwards.

Best of luck, and hugs xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

At first my thoughts were that he is using you as a back up when he wants sex but does not have dome else around. But that doesn't explain why he won't do certain things with you.

So I wonder if he doesn't want to change the dynamics of what you have in case it changes things between you. Perhaps he is fond of you and likes sex a certain way with you and that is his happy place with you. It could be he doesn't want to talk about it because he doesn't want to say how he feels in case it pushes you away (i.e. you think he has stronger feelings for you than you can cope with), or if he cannot explain it properly.

I hope you get the answers you want, OP, but I'm not sure they will be forthcoming.

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By *rAngleseyMan
over a year ago

Anglesey

I`m sorry to say that it sounds like your on the substitute bench. Your never going to be his main attraction & staying in that situation will destroy your self worth. Walk away & find someone who appreciates you & sees your value.

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By *adylydford OP Woman
over a year ago

altinkum

"For me, if I wasn't getting the answers I was looking for, I'd have to stop all communication and move on. I just don't have the mind-space for these mental games! "

Its a little more complicated then that for us but you have a valid point if that was how you would cope. Thanks for answering!

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By *adylydford OP Woman
over a year ago

altinkum

I do just want to reiterate though there is no relationship on either side with any expectations of future relationship at all from either of us. I know and understand and agree to the fact he will never want to date me. Thats not the issue for me. Even if he does eventually date and its not me its completely an understood point no matter what my feelings might be.

We go places together, daytrips, to the shops, out for coffee or dinner we went Tenerife and he helped me move down to his city just before we went away and 70 percent of the time thats purely platonic. If that would stop then i would have lost a good friend in that instance. That i would miss. The sex is not all that often. Its just annoying he wont tell me why. What jave i done.

I have renamed him on my phone "fucking enegma" cos i dont understand him and he changes every day lol.

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull

"So... a bit of advice is what im after, though i expect that will be too difficult as noone knows his mind. Bear with me.. its a long post

Quite frankly it makes me feel shit, like im not good enough for him and he doesnt like me enough to do the things we both enjoy together.

Why does he do this and what should i do?

Any relationship explanation that starts with "got a fb, its an extremely complicated dynamic to explain" is going to have twists and turns.

Get a friend to set up a profile on the sites he's on and you'll see if he mentions having a FB(you) and if he talks about the kinks he likes etc

I think he sounds like a "Walter Mitty" type of guy living in a fantasy world.

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By *adylydford OP Woman
over a year ago

altinkum

"So... a bit of advice is what im after, though i expect that will be too difficult as noone knows his mind. Bear with me.. its a long post

He knows what i like and our kinks cross over mostly. Im confused tgen as to why after all this time of us sleeping together, we even went away abroad for

Any relationship explanation that starts with "got a fb, its an extremely complicated dynamic to explain" is going to have twists and turns.

Get a friend to set up a profile on the sites he's on and you'll see if he mentions having a FB(you) and if he talks about the kinks he likes etc

I think he sounds like a "Walter Mitty" type of guy living in a fantasy world.

I already know the answer to that one. Im invisible. Any photos he takes he avoids getting me in them when we are out and about, he doesnt comment on my social media and i dont comment on his although we are each others facebook friends. Only one of his friends has met me and was told we are just mates... which is true apart from the sex bit.. i moved to his town he is the only person i know there but maybe with time i will be seen with him or introduced to his other friends but for the moment i dont exist. ...

In his words its fir my own benefit as all his friends that are girls are judgemental and bitchy but i dont believe that fir one moment. But none of that bothered me. Its the reluctance to talk to me about stuff.

What is worse is my dad and step mum adore him and are always inviting him on family days out and trips and when he doesnt want to go i have to make excuses. But equally he has gone to some.

Welcome to my messed up world'lol!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"So... a bit of advice is what im after, though i expect that will be too difficult as noone knows his mind. Bear with me.. its a long post

Quite frankly it makes me feel shit, like im not good enough for him and he doesnt like me enough to do the things we both enjoy together.

Why does he do this and what should i do?

In my personal experience the only thing preventing a man from committing to one woman fully and deeply is the level of attraction. Look at it like this. He fancies you enough to fuck you now and again, tested out how much he really wanted you on holiday, decided your just a fuck buddy/Feb/fuckpiece.

As for not wanting to indulge the fetishism, he knows you too well as a friend, and you've already become a vanilla distraction.

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By *litterbabeWoman
over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

There is a chance that he just doesn't feel that the dynamic is right.

There are certain kinks that I have and some people that I enjoy spending time with but the dynamic doesn't feel right for us to participate in some of the things that I know we could both enjoy.

I can't quite put my finger on why but that is just how it feels to me. I would however be able to explain this to somebody.

I can't understand why he's not being open and transparent about it with you. I don't think he can be good for your peace of mind if he will not have open conversations with you as is clearly necessary in this instance.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I do just want to reiterate though there is no relationship on either side with any expectations of future relationship at all from either of us. I know and understand and agree to the fact he will never want to date me. Thats not the issue for me. Even if he does eventually date and its not me its completely an understood point no matter what my feelings might be.

I have renamed him on my phone "fucking enegma" cos i dont understand him and he changes every day lol."

Sounds to me just like a shadow friend, good friends but not in his life! How about just keeping it platonic for a good while and just enjoy the friendship?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'd look for a new friend.

Must be someone out there into the same kinks who is able to communicate better.

Maybe you'd feel able to move on, maybe he'd feel left out and try harder.

Either way sticking as you are is harming your mental health.

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By *adylydford OP Woman
over a year ago

altinkum

I think thats the way its going to have to be. Every time im with him i just want to jump him tho!

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull

"So... a bit of advice is what im after, though i expect that will be too difficult as noone knows his mind. Bear with me.. its a long post

He knows what i like and our kinks cross over mostly. Im confused tgen as to why after all this time of us sleeping together, we even went away abroad for

Any relationship explanation that starts with "got a fb, its an extremely complicated dynamic to explain" is going to have twists and turns.

Get a friend to set up a profile on the sites he's on and you'll see if he mentions having a FB(you) and if he talks about the kinks he likes etc

I think he sounds like a "Walter Mitty" type of guy living in a fantasy world.

What is worse is my dad and step mum adore him and are always inviting him on family days out and trips and when he doesnt want to go i have to make excuses. But equally he has gone to some.

Welcome to my messed up world'lol!"

I don't know you but is it possible that you might actually enjoy the drama ?

I'd say get out and find a relationship that suits you or have this guy for vanilla sex and find a playmate to indulge in your kinks.

He's having his cake and eating it because you're pandering to him and only you can decide if you a love him enough to put up with it or b, want to find a guy who loves you back.

Good luck anyway

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OP, imagine this is a good friend of yours. Reread your post and the comments as if it was her post.

What advice would you give her?

V x

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By *adylydford OP Woman
over a year ago

altinkum

"So... a bit of advice is what im after, though i expect that will be too difficult as noone knows his mind. Bear with me.. its a long post

He knows what i like and our kinks cross over mostly. Im confused tgen as to why after all this time of us sleeping together, we even went away abroad for

Any relationship explanation that starts with "got a fb, its an extremely complicated dynamic to explain" is going to have twists and turns.

Get a friend to set up a profile on the sites he's on and you'll see if he mentions having a FB(you) and if he talks about the kinks he likes etc

I don't know you but is it possible that you might actually enjoy the drama ?

I'd say get out and find a relationship that suits you or have this guy for vanilla sex and find a playmate to indulge in your kinks.

He's having his cake and eating it because you're pandering to him and only you can decide if you a love him enough to put up with it or b, want to find a guy who loves you back.

Good luck anyway "

Lol no drama allowed is his rule number 1 so its not that. In 18 months this is the first time i have been bothered enough to mention to him anything that's annoyimg me.

Im away at the moment until monday so will just have to see how the grass lies when i get back.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"OP, imagine this is a good friend of yours. Reread your post and the comments as if it was her post.

What advice would you give her?

V x"

This

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