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Understanding polyamory/polygamy relationships

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire

My story is I fell quickly for a guy who was in polygamy relationship with a married woman. He said he can casual date who ever he likes. We had an amazing time together until I met him in his home town for a night out listening to our favourite music jazz. Long story short, he distance himself from me in the bar then his "dark sarcasm" about him wanting other people to join our company, especially "the sexy jazz singer" caused me to react in a very negative way (bear in mind, I was on my first day period and been feeling tired and ill for days prior to this date). His reaction was it all about perception and it was all in my head to think negative about what he said. But his behaviour made me feel second best and unwanted. I no longer wanted to be with him so no longer on speaking terms. My issue is I just can't let go what happened and how to move forward. I am looking into the world of polyamory as I do not believe in one person can make you completely happy and my fear of cheating in a mono relationship. But was his behaviour immature or typical of a poly to act? Like to hear from people in polyamory relationships. Plus how can I find the right person to have a polyamorous relationship with? Thanks in advance for reading and helping me figure this out. At the moment, so confused and frustrated.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why have you mentioned having your period and feeling tired/ill?

He sounds like an insensitive dick

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your period didn’t cause him to be insensitive. Don’t dismiss your feelings.

If you didn’t expect him to discuss sex with others it must’ve been a surprise. Conversations happen like this in our marriage but we both consent to that as part of our relationship. Many in the swinging community and non- monogamous people don’t see a problem with discussing others . If there is jealousy you’d have to explore that together.

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"Why have you mentioned having your period and feeling tired/ill?

He sounds like an insensitive dick"

Well that was my thoughts too... And I told him that he was inappropriate and insensitive. I told him I was disappointed that he didn't treat me with more respect. (I get alot of offers and I chose to spend my little free time with him as I thought we had a good connection)

So I just thought maybe my insecurity and jealousy got the better of me because I was tired and hormonal! Lol

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"Your period didn’t cause him to be insensitive. Don’t dismiss your feelings.

If you didn’t expect him to discuss sex with others it must’ve been a surprise. Conversations happen like this in our marriage but we both consent to that as part of our relationship. Many in the swinging community and non- monogamous people don’t see a problem with discussing others . If there is jealousy you’d have to explore that together. "

Yes I guess I didnt expect on a date, a man telling me he interested in another. Never happened to me before.. I never been in a polyamory relationship before.

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By *esparate danMan
over a year ago

glasgow

Theres no way you're into jazz

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"Theres no way you're into jazz"

Why you say that?? Lol I love jazz and classical music

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"Theres no way you're into jazz"

I was absolutely gutted our behaviour to each other ruined what could been a great night...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My story is I fell quickly for a guy who was in polygamy relationship with a married woman. He said he can casual date who ever he likes. We had an amazing time together until I met him in his home town for a night out listening to our favourite music jazz. Long story short, he distance himself from me in the bar then his "dark sarcasm" about him wanting other people to join our company, especially "the sexy jazz singer" caused me to react in a very negative way (bear in mind, I was on my first day period and been feeling tired and ill for days prior to this date). His reaction was it all about perception and it was all in my head to think negative about what he said. But his behaviour made me feel second best and unwanted. I no longer wanted to be with him so no longer on speaking terms. My issue is I just can't let go what happened and how to move forward. I am looking into the world of polyamory as I do not believe in one person can make you completely happy and my fear of cheating in a mono relationship. But was his behaviour immature or typical of a poly to act? Like to hear from people in polyamory relationships. Plus how can I find the right person to have a polyamorous relationship with? Thanks in advance for reading and helping me figure this out. At the moment, so confused and frustrated. "
you will be looking for a needle in a haystack, sexual intimacy by virtue of whats involved is intimate if you like a person you like a person, if you have the ability to love and be loved then that will be an effect too, jealously is in us all its a human emotion obviously it will differ in its intensity with every individual person, some people have the ability to love many and some only want to love one, some people like to play mind games get you hooked on them then remind you of the 'others', the swinging life for those that are swingers involves NSA which for some can be too callous and for others the only Way to achieve this lifestyle, i dont think anyone is equipped to advise you on how you personally can achieve it you will have to learn as you go.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

without hearing his side of this I would say that he isn't in a polygamous relationship which is why he distanced himself from you in his home town.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have recently been hurt over this. It's a very difficult relationship to maintain

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"without hearing his side of this I would say that he isn't in a polygamous relationship which is why he distanced himself from you in his home town.

"

Ya know you are probably right as I felt that way too... Like he didn't want to be "seen with me" in his local bar... I duno, all he told me it's all in my head and he was "just joking"...

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"without hearing his side of this I would say that he isn't in a polygamous relationship which is why he distanced himself from you in his home town.

Ya know you are probably right as I felt that way too... Like he didn't want to be "seen with me" in his local bar... I duno, all he told me it's all in my head and he was "just joking"... "

This is my personal opinion only but I wouldn't be surprised if the married lady he's in the polygamous relationship with is actually his wife who has no idea.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Polyamory is all about respect, open communication, and the ability to live, love on terms that work for the people involved in the relationship.

For a polyamorous relationship to be successful, everyone involved must be open and honest about what they want and need out of the union.

While the boundaries in polyamory are different from monogamous relationships, they do still exist - whether by defining who can enter into a relationship or putting limits on how much time can be spent with each partner.

Maintaining open communication is integral to a polyamorous relationship so that issues do not arise.

So if the chap didn’t communicate fully and shows disrespect to you, then he is not poly.

Poly people are respectful.

X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was honest about what i wanted but after about 8 weeks if chatting and meeting..they decided polyamory wasn't for them. I'm not going to lie it hurt and they were getting really full on then suddenly i get told they don't want what i want

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By *rontier PsychiatristMan
over a year ago

Coventry

Polygamy is very difficult. And not for most people. Or at least they are not conditioned with the right mindset to practice it in a healthy way. Including me, I'm not poly, neither am I monogomus. I have (sorry to sound corny) the one. A major part of our relationships is openness and honesty and fully accepting each other including non monogomy.

Few people want to feel second fiddle. I think this is one of the biggest challenges to polygamy. There is to me a challenge to make all the other people in the relationship feel valued and they have your attention. But also a need to accept you may not be everything to that person or that you provide everthing they want

There seems to be two factors at play here. One being the way you were treated by the other person. The other being they way you deal with not being his sole point of intrest. Could it be that both of you where not in the right mindset for it?

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By *andy6677Man
over a year ago

crewe


"without hearing his side of this I would say that he isn't in a polygamous relationship which is why he distanced himself from you in his home town.

Ya know you are probably right as I felt that way too... Like he didn't want to be "seen with me" in his local bar... I duno, all he told me it's all in my head and he was "just joking"... "

Totally disrespectful idiot he was to me. Im in a polyamorous relationship with two girlfriends one is trans as well and we work brilliantly open, honest and equal thats how a poly should be. Both are loved equally by me id never prefer one over the other. Communication is key as is equal respect. Plus not taking any notice of being on your period or how painful it is. Is to me totally disrespectful you did the right thing to break away before you get hurt or used further. The right partners are out there for you dont give up!

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By *andy6677Man
over a year ago

crewe


"without hearing his side of this I would say that he isn't in a polygamous relationship which is why he distanced himself from you in his home town.

Ya know you are probably right as I felt that way too... Like he didn't want to be "seen with me" in his local bar... I duno, all he told me it's all in my head and he was "just joking"...

Totally disrespectful idiot he was to me. Im in a polyamorous relationship with two girlfriends one is trans as well and we work brilliantly open, honest and equal thats how a poly should be. Both are loved equally by me id never prefer one over the other. Communication is key as is equal respect. Plus not taking any notice of being on your period or how painful it is. Is to me totally disrespectful you did the right thing to break away before you get hurt or used further. The right partners are out there for you dont give up! "

I met my first partner through social media and second through a site like this. Just a happy accident really xxx

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"without hearing his side of this I would say that he isn't in a polygamous relationship which is why he distanced himself from you in his home town.

Ya know you are probably right as I felt that way too... Like he didn't want to be "seen with me" in his local bar... I duno, all he told me it's all in my head and he was "just joking"...

Totally disrespectful idiot he was to me. Im in a polyamorous relationship with two girlfriends one is trans as well and we work brilliantly open, honest and equal thats how a poly should be. Both are loved equally by me id never prefer one over the other. Communication is key as is equal respect. Plus not taking any notice of being on your period or how painful it is. Is to me totally disrespectful you did the right thing to break away before you get hurt or used further. The right partners are out there for you dont give up! "

I'm not defending the guy in question as I agree with everyone who said he's being disrespectful (hence my behaviour towards him) but he told me from his point of view, we were just FWB going to a bar... My immediate reaction "I would never treat a friend of the same sex like that!" he said no other woman would of reacted the same way as me... Which made me think do other "poly" woman thinks this is acceptable behaviour? Do if i got into a poly relationship, this behaviour is normal? Even in swinging type of relationship, is this normal? (that's why i needed to ask you guys as personally I hate to be made second best and men to talk about other women in that way... So swinging or polyamory maybe not for me after all?)

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By *andy6677Man
over a year ago

crewe


"without hearing his side of this I would say that he isn't in a polygamous relationship which is why he distanced himself from you in his home town.

Ya know you are probably right as I felt that way too... Like he didn't want to be "seen with me" in his local bar... I duno, all he told me it's all in my head and he was "just joking"...

Totally disrespectful idiot he was to me. Im in a polyamorous relationship with two girlfriends one is trans as well and we work brilliantly open, honest and equal thats how a poly should be. Both are loved equally by me id never prefer one over the other. Communication is key as is equal respect. Plus not taking any notice of being on your period or how painful it is. Is to me totally disrespectful you did the right thing to break away before you get hurt or used further. The right partners are out there for you dont give up!

I'm not defending the guy in question as I agree with everyone who said he's being disrespectful (hence my behaviour towards him) but he told me from his point of view, we were just FWB going to a bar... My immediate reaction "I would never treat a friend of the same sex like that!" he said no other woman would of reacted the same way as me... Which made me think do other "poly" woman thinks this is acceptable behaviour? Do if i got into a poly relationship, this behaviour is normal? Even in swinging type of relationship, is this normal? (that's why i needed to ask you guys as personally I hate to be made second best and men to talk about other women in that way... So swinging or polyamory maybe not for me after all?) "

I would say from my experience in a poly relationship everyone should be treated equally and be felt to be equal. Of course you will get those that have dom and submissive roles or primary and secondary partners in a poly but we are not that type. Id say make a list of what you want in a poly or swinging relationship and whats important to you and stick to those things.Im sure a couple will want same from an attractive girl as you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My story is I fell quickly for a guy who was in polygamy relationship with a married woman. He said he can casual date who ever he likes. We had an amazing time together until I met him in his home town for a night out listening to our favourite music jazz. Long story short, he distance himself from me in the bar then his "dark sarcasm" about him wanting other people to join our company, especially "the sexy jazz singer" caused me to react in a very negative way (bear in mind, I was on my first day period and been feeling tired and ill for days prior to this date). His reaction was it all about perception and it was all in my head to think negative about what he said. But his behaviour made me feel second best and unwanted. I no longer wanted to be with him so no longer on speaking terms. My issue is I just can't let go what happened and how to move forward. I am looking into the world of polyamory as I do not believe in one person can make you completely happy and my fear of cheating in a mono relationship. But was his behaviour immature or typical of a poly to act? Like to hear from people in polyamory relationships. Plus how can I find the right person to have a polyamorous relationship with? Thanks in advance for reading and helping me figure this out. At the moment, so confused and frustrated. "

Regardless of what type of a relationship you are in polyamorous or not, you still deserve respect and I feel that he was disrespectful to you and insensitive to your feelings.

Good luck with finding your person/s xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"without hearing his side of this I would say that he isn't in a polygamous relationship which is why he distanced himself from you in his home town.

Ya know you are probably right as I felt that way too... Like he didn't want to be "seen with me" in his local bar... I duno, all he told me it's all in my head and he was "just joking"...

Totally disrespectful idiot he was to me. Im in a polyamorous relationship with two girlfriends one is trans as well and we work brilliantly open, honest and equal thats how a poly should be. Both are loved equally by me id never prefer one over the other. Communication is key as is equal respect. Plus not taking any notice of being on your period or how painful it is. Is to me totally disrespectful you did the right thing to break away before you get hurt or used further. The right partners are out there for you dont give up!

I'm not defending the guy in question as I agree with everyone who said he's being disrespectful (hence my behaviour towards him) but he told me from his point of view, we were just FWB going to a bar... My immediate reaction "I would never treat a friend of the same sex like that!" he said no other woman would of reacted the same way as me... Which made me think do other "poly" woman thinks this is acceptable behaviour? Do if i got into a poly relationship, this behaviour is normal? Even in swinging type of relationship, is this normal? (that's why i needed to ask you guys as personally I hate to be made second best and men to talk about other women in that way... So swinging or polyamory maybe not for me after all?) "

Sounds like he is confusing poly with casual sex and swinging in this instance. I am a naturally poly person and have been in poly relationships before - the dynamics are similar to conventional monogamous relationships where it is about love/affection, communication and respect. He didn't seem to show you any of those on your evening out.

Poly is not about swinging, it is about a close intimate relationship with a partner where you or he is having the same with someone else. If you decide to include swinging in your relationship or casual sex with others then that is something you agree together.

The biggest challenge to poly when you have more than one partner (besides conquering jealous on all sides) is having enough time to fully invest equally in both relationships. Often you will see relationships mistakenly classed as poly where there is one main relationship that allows more casual flings on the side. This is more open relationship than poly.

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By *andy6677Man
over a year ago

crewe


"without hearing his side of this I would say that he isn't in a polygamous relationship which is why he distanced himself from you in his home town.

Ya know you are probably right as I felt that way too... Like he didn't want to be "seen with me" in his local bar... I duno, all he told me it's all in my head and he was "just joking"...

Totally disrespectful idiot he was to me. Im in a polyamorous relationship with two girlfriends one is trans as well and we work brilliantly open, honest and equal thats how a poly should be. Both are loved equally by me id never prefer one over the other. Communication is key as is equal respect. Plus not taking any notice of being on your period or how painful it is. Is to me totally disrespectful you did the right thing to break away before you get hurt or used further. The right partners are out there for you dont give up!

I'm not defending the guy in question as I agree with everyone who said he's being disrespectful (hence my behaviour towards him) but he told me from his point of view, we were just FWB going to a bar... My immediate reaction "I would never treat a friend of the same sex like that!" he said no other woman would of reacted the same way as me... Which made me think do other "poly" woman thinks this is acceptable behaviour? Do if i got into a poly relationship, this behaviour is normal? Even in swinging type of relationship, is this normal? (that's why i needed to ask you guys as personally I hate to be made second best and men to talk about other women in that way... So swinging or polyamory maybe not for me after all?)

Sounds like he is confusing poly with casual sex and swinging in this instance. I am a naturally poly person and have been in poly relationships before - the dynamics are similar to conventional monogamous relationships where it is about love/affection, communication and respect. He didn't seem to show you any of those on your evening out.

Poly is not about swinging, it is about a close intimate relationship with a partner where you or he is having the same with someone else. If you decide to include swinging in your relationship or casual sex with others then that is something you agree together.

The biggest challenge to poly when you have more than one partner (besides conquering jealous on all sides) is having enough time to fully invest equally in both relationships. Often you will see relationships mistakenly classed as poly where there is one main relationship that allows more casual flings on the side. This is more open relationship than poly."

Exactly this

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By *mmmMaybeCouple
over a year ago

West Wales


"without hearing his side of this I would say that he isn't in a polygamous relationship which is why he distanced himself from you in his home town.

Ya know you are probably right as I felt that way too... Like he didn't want to be "seen with me" in his local bar... I duno, all he told me it's all in my head and he was "just joking"...

This is my personal opinion only but I wouldn't be surprised if the married lady he's in the polygamous relationship with is actually his wife who has no idea.

"

In an open Poly relationship contact with the others will at some point happen. Only coming to yours or meeting somewhere already out in town etc. Smacks a bit of playing away to us.

OP prior to the Jazz club was there indication he actually liked Jazz? It would be a but like me meeting you at a local football match. Unlikely to bump into any of my friends as we have little interest in football.

S

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By *hrista BellendWoman
over a year ago

surrounded by twinkly lights

I am a poly and I would never have treated one of my male friends like you were treated, it was disrespectful to you.

I have very clear rules in our relationships and especially to regarding feelings and honesty, I have some very good friends which I have wonderful times with.

If you can maintain it I would definitely recommend it, but if you catch feelings too quickly then it is maybe not for you, only you know the answer to that

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I am a poly and I would never have treated one of my male friends like you were treated, it was disrespectful to you.

I have very clear rules in our relationships and especially to regarding feelings and honesty, I have some very good friends which I have wonderful times with.

If you can maintain it I would definitely recommend it, but if you catch feelings too quickly then it is maybe not for you, only you know the answer to that "

Isn't it the kind of relationship that's supposed to involve feelings? Otherwise it just sounds like having different casual sex partners

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"without hearing his side of this I would say that he isn't in a polygamous relationship which is why he distanced himself from you in his home town.

Ya know you are probably right as I felt that way too... Like he didn't want to be "seen with me" in his local bar... I duno, all he told me it's all in my head and he was "just joking"...

This is my personal opinion only but I wouldn't be surprised if the married lady he's in the polygamous relationship with is actually his wife who has no idea.

In an open Poly relationship contact with the others will at some point happen. Only coming to yours or meeting somewhere already out in town etc. Smacks a bit of playing away to us.

OP prior to the Jazz club was there indication he actually liked Jazz? It would be a but like me meeting you at a local football match. Unlikely to bump into any of my friends as we have little interest in football.

S"

No definitely we both love jazz as we went to venues before but he didn't behave like that... Which is why this behaviour took me completely by surprise and especially saying its all in my head.

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"I am a poly and I would never have treated one of my male friends like you were treated, it was disrespectful to you.

I have very clear rules in our relationships and especially to regarding feelings and honesty, I have some very good friends which I have wonderful times with.

If you can maintain it I would definitely recommend it, but if you catch feelings too quickly then it is maybe not for you, only you know the answer to that

Isn't it the kind of relationship that's supposed to involve feelings? Otherwise it just sounds like having different casual sex partners "

He said he saw me as fwb and it was too soon for him to invest emotionally but I would never treat anyone on any level like that... Bad humour or not.

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By *apiomanMan
over a year ago

Shipley


"Why have you mentioned having your period and feeling tired/ill?

He sounds like an insensitive dick"

This

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool


"without hearing his side of this I would say that he isn't in a polygamous relationship which is why he distanced himself from you in his home town.

Ya know you are probably right as I felt that way too... Like he didn't want to be "seen with me" in his local bar... I duno, all he told me it's all in my head and he was "just joking"...

Totally disrespectful idiot he was to me. Im in a polyamorous relationship with two girlfriends one is trans as well and we work brilliantly open, honest and equal thats how a poly should be. Both are loved equally by me id never prefer one over the other. Communication is key as is equal respect. Plus not taking any notice of being on your period or how painful it is. Is to me totally disrespectful you did the right thing to break away before you get hurt or used further. The right partners are out there for you dont give up!

I'm not defending the guy in question as I agree with everyone who said he's being disrespectful (hence my behaviour towards him) but he told me from his point of view, we were just FWB going to a bar... My immediate reaction "I would never treat a friend of the same sex like that!" he said no other woman would of reacted the same way as me... Which made me think do other "poly" woman thinks this is acceptable behaviour? Do if i got into a poly relationship, this behaviour is normal? Even in swinging type of relationship, is this normal? (that's why i needed to ask you guys as personally I hate to be made second best and men to talk about other women in that way... So swinging or polyamory maybe not for me after all?) "

I'm in a Polyamorous relationship and think he was totally rude and disrespectful. I would also be incredibly angry if my partner ever treated another woman like that. It doesn't matter how casual the relationship is, everyone deserves basic respect. I hate the idea that just because you have a casual arrangement with someone that they don't deserve to be treated well by you and that is reserved just for serious romantic relationships. It's gross.

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"without hearing his side of this I would say that he isn't in a polygamous relationship which is why he distanced himself from you in his home town.

Ya know you are probably right as I felt that way too... Like he didn't want to be "seen with me" in his local bar... I duno, all he told me it's all in my head and he was "just joking"...

Totally disrespectful idiot he was to me. Im in a polyamorous relationship with two girlfriends one is trans as well and we work brilliantly open, honest and equal thats how a poly should be. Both are loved equally by me id never prefer one over the other. Communication is key as is equal respect. Plus not taking any notice of being on your period or how painful it is. Is to me totally disrespectful you did the right thing to break away before you get hurt or used further. The right partners are out there for you dont give up!

I'm not defending the guy in question as I agree with everyone who said he's being disrespectful (hence my behaviour towards him) but he told me from his point of view, we were just FWB going to a bar... My immediate reaction "I would never treat a friend of the same sex like that!" he said no other woman would of reacted the same way as me... Which made me think do other "poly" woman thinks this is acceptable behaviour? Do if i got into a poly relationship, this behaviour is normal? Even in swinging type of relationship, is this normal? (that's why i needed to ask you guys as personally I hate to be made second best and men to talk about other women in that way... So swinging or polyamory maybe not for me after all?)

I'm in a Polyamorous relationship and think he was totally rude and disrespectful. I would also be incredibly angry if my partner ever treated another woman like that. It doesn't matter how casual the relationship is, everyone deserves basic respect. I hate the idea that just because you have a casual arrangement with someone that they don't deserve to be treated well by you and that is reserved just for serious romantic relationships. It's gross. "

Thanks guys. I'm glad to hear from everyone that way he treated me was disrespectful and its not usual behaviour... Reassured me that I can continue to persue the polyamory relationship.

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By *esparate danMan
over a year ago

glasgow

"...he distance himself from me in the bar then his "dark sarcasm" about him wanting other people to join our company..."

I'm still not quite sure what went down. Can you elaborate?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Theres no way you're into jazz"

nothing wrong with jazz love bluesy jazz

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


""...he distance himself from me in the bar then his "dark sarcasm" about him wanting other people to join our company..."

I'm still not quite sure what went down. Can you elaborate?"

I was trying to play footsie with him... But then he moved his stool away from me and faced the stage. He then turned around and told me to move my coat off the stool next to me as other people might want to join us. I replied "seriously.. Why isn't my company good enough?".. "no"... So to retaliate, I moved over to the next stool and replied "is that better?".. "yes, as I want that sexy jazz singer to join us and sit there".... (I felt so unwanted and awkward so I left the venue. He didn't follow me. He just texted me asking where I went)

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By *adMerWoman
over a year ago

Sandwich

Definitely a disrespectful jerk.

You’re better off without him in your life, but when you really liked someone and then they show a side of themselves you don’t like it’s not easy to just switch your feelings off.

Allow yourself time to grieve the loss and then move on when you are ready.

Good luck!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We have been in poly relationship a couple of times, it is difficult and important to ensure all involved are as important as each other. It is difficult to find the right relationship but is possible, complete openness and honest behaviour is needed whilst understanding the other peoples needs. We actually fell into swinging in order to find someone to fit into our relationship, it appears most ladies that are single perceive couples are just looking for playthings which is not always the case.

Sounds like this guy wasnt completely in tune with you otherwise would be a bit more sensitive. Scooby

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool


""...he distance himself from me in the bar then his "dark sarcasm" about him wanting other people to join our company..."

I'm still not quite sure what went down. Can you elaborate?

I was trying to play footsie with him... But then he moved his stool away from me and faced the stage. He then turned around and told me to move my coat off the stool next to me as other people might want to join us. I replied "seriously.. Why isn't my company good enough?".. "no"... So to retaliate, I moved over to the next stool and replied "is that better?".. "yes, as I want that sexy jazz singer to join us and sit there".... (I felt so unwanted and awkward so I left the venue. He didn't follow me. He just texted me asking where I went)"

That's awful. I'm so sorry someone treated you like that.

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By *ust_A_Tease_To_PleaseWoman
over a year ago

South Wales: Newport, Chepstow

I'd say, the poly and you being tired bit is actually irrelevant.

What I see here is that YOU are totally allowed to set your own boundaries and expectations of any relationship you are in.

If those are disrespected, and they are not willing to discuss it like adults and their actions show they have learned, you are always totally in your right to walk away.

Sounds like you did the right thing and respected yourself, even when he didn't. That's really hard to do, and that is amazing.

The self love you showed yourself is inspirational, thank you.

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By *esparate danMan
over a year ago

glasgow


""...he distance himself from me in the bar then his "dark sarcasm" about him wanting other people to join our company..."

I'm still not quite sure what went down. Can you elaborate?

I was trying to play footsie with him... But then he moved his stool away from me and faced the stage. He then turned around and told me to move my coat off the stool next to me as other people might want to join us. I replied "seriously.. Why isn't my company good enough?".. "no"... So to retaliate, I moved over to the next stool and replied "is that better?".. "yes, as I want that sexy jazz singer to join us and sit there".... (I felt so unwanted and awkward so I left the venue. He didn't follow me. He just texted me asking where I went)"

Sounds like both people in this story are playing games

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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago

Burnleyish (She/They)

People are saying he sounds insensitive but I'm confused.

You say he distanced himself from you?

How did he do that, what made you feel like that was the case?

What is "dark sarcasm"? Are you just meaning he was saying he found the jazz singer attractive and would have enjoyed her joining the pair of you?

I personally, don't find any of those disrespectful... Sometimes people are a bit distant, it can be their headspace, something that's happened earlier in the day, it even something that's been said in the evening that gives them something to think about making them feel distant.

As for talking about finding someone else attractive. God, you don't want to hear me out with friends let alone my lovers or husband. I've lost count of how many times a day I ask if we can take someone home or speculate what they would be like in bed....

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


""...he distance himself from me in the bar then his "dark sarcasm" about him wanting other people to join our company..."

I'm still not quite sure what went down. Can you elaborate?

I was trying to play footsie with him... But then he moved his stool away from me and faced the stage. He then turned around and told me to move my coat off the stool next to me as other people might want to join us. I replied "seriously.. Why isn't my company good enough?".. "no"... So to retaliate, I moved over to the next stool and replied "is that better?".. "yes, as I want that sexy jazz singer to join us and sit there".... (I felt so unwanted and awkward so I left the venue. He didn't follow me. He just texted me asking where I went)

Sounds like both people in this story are playing games "

But all you doing is focusing on that particular point which is unfair. You don't know the emotional side or how it ended. I was in tears but sure we both playing games. It's over that situation. I'm moving on and making sure it doesn't happen again... Thanks for your input.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Respect works both ways.

I would say he had no respect for you or your feelings.

Was he young?

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"Respect works both ways.

I would say he had no respect for you or your feelings.

Was he young?"

Yes he was 26 and definitely had no respect for me as he said it was all in my head and he will not take any responsibility for his actions. I even suggested I leave him in the bar to watch rest of the music set then we go home to collect my bags. I just was too upset to stay with him. Just wanted to go home and cry. My fault was not being able to control my emotions but as I said first day of period and feeling exhausted didn't help. I told him how disappointed I was I didn't deserve a little respect from him and how uncompassionate he was as he reacted defensive rather than apologetic towards my feelings. He was cold as ice. At least i found out earlier on his true colours and we weren't compatible. He insisted we talk... I know its not sensible to talk when angry and I explained that to him. But i guess we both wanted an explanation and closure. He made up his mind immediately our relationship was over there and then.... I moved on now with reassurance now it wasn't completely my fault the situation as he led me to believe that night.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My story is I fell quickly for a guy who was in polygamy relationship with a married woman. He said he can casual date who ever he likes. We had an amazing time together until I met him in his home town for a night out listening to our favourite music jazz. Long story short, he distance himself from me in the bar then his "dark sarcasm" about him wanting other people to join our company, especially "the sexy jazz singer" caused me to react in a very negative way (bear in mind, I was on my first day period and been feeling tired and ill for days prior to this date). His reaction was it all about perception and it was all in my head to think negative about what he said. But his behaviour made me feel second best and unwanted. I no longer wanted to be with him so no longer on speaking terms. My issue is I just can't let go what happened and how to move forward. I am looking into the world of polyamory as I do not believe in one person can make you completely happy and my fear of cheating in a mono relationship. But was his behaviour immature or typical of a poly to act? Like to hear from people in polyamory relationships. Plus how can I find the right person to have a polyamorous relationship with? Thanks in advance for reading and helping me figure this out. At the moment, so confused and frustrated. you will be looking for a needle in a haystack, sexual intimacy by virtue of whats involved is intimate if you like a person you like a person, if you have the ability to love and be loved then that will be an effect too, jealously is in us all its a human emotion obviously it will differ in its intensity with every individual person, some people have the ability to love many and some only want to love one, some people like to play mind games get you hooked on them then remind you of the 'others', the swinging life for those that are swingers involves NSA which for some can be too callous and for others the only Way to achieve this lifestyle, i dont think anyone is equipped to advise you on how you personally can achieve it you will have to learn as you go. "
this

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My story is I fell quickly for a guy who was in polygamy relationship with a married woman. He said he can casual date who ever he likes. We had an amazing time together until I met him in his home town for a night out listening to our favourite music jazz. Long story short, he distance himself from me in the bar then his "dark sarcasm" about him wanting other people to join our company, especially "the sexy jazz singer" caused me to react in a very negative way (bear in mind, I was on my first day period and been feeling tired and ill for days prior to this date). His reaction was it all about perception and it was all in my head to think negative about what he said. But his behaviour made me feel second best and unwanted. I no longer wanted to be with him so no longer on speaking terms. My issue is I just can't let go what happened and how to move forward. I am looking into the world of polyamory as I do not believe in one person can make you completely happy and my fear of cheating in a mono relationship. But was his behaviour immature or typical of a poly to act? Like to hear from people in polyamory relationships. Plus how can I find the right person to have a polyamorous relationship with? Thanks in advance for reading and helping me figure this out. At the moment, so confused and frustrated. "

Sounds like a tough situation. Sorry you’re not having a good time. Keep your chin up, hope you get it sorted soon x

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By *oodnitegirlWoman
over a year ago

Yorkshire


"People are saying he sounds insensitive but I'm confused.

You say he distanced himself from you?

How did he do that, what made you feel like that was the case?

What is "dark sarcasm"? Are you just meaning he was saying he found the jazz singer attractive and would have enjoyed her joining the pair of you?

I personally, don't find any of those disrespectful... Sometimes people are a bit distant, it can be their headspace, something that's happened earlier in the day, it even something that's been said in the evening that gives them something to think about making them feel distant.

As for talking about finding someone else attractive. God, you don't want to hear me out with friends let alone my lovers or husband. I've lost count of how many times a day I ask if we can take someone home or speculate what they would be like in bed...."

This. Maybe I read it wrong or misunderstood but I’m not understanding why someone would be talking about crying over someone fantasising over another woman joining them in bed on a swingers site?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"People are saying he sounds insensitive but I'm confused.

You say he distanced himself from you?

How did he do that, what made you feel like that was the case?

What is "dark sarcasm"? Are you just meaning he was saying he found the jazz singer attractive and would have enjoyed her joining the pair of you?

I personally, don't find any of those disrespectful... Sometimes people are a bit distant, it can be their headspace, something that's happened earlier in the day, it even something that's been said in the evening that gives them something to think about making them feel distant.

As for talking about finding someone else attractive. God, you don't want to hear me out with friends let alone my lovers or husband. I've lost count of how many times a day I ask if we can take someone home or speculate what they would be like in bed....

This. Maybe I read it wrong or misunderstood but I’m not understanding why someone would be talking about crying over someone fantasising over another woman joining them in bed on a swingers site? "
theyve just been peeling onions

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By *oodnitegirlWoman
over a year ago

Yorkshire

Actually re-read the bit about the coat on the stool and you moving.

Is he new to all this ‘multi-people’ thing? (Be it swinging or poly... as I’m guessing it’s the former that he’s labelling as the latter) and is in the ‘gung-ho’ quantity not quality headspace. He does sound v immature but my prior statement still stands.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Actually re-read the bit about the coat on the stool and you moving.

Is he new to all this ‘multi-people’ thing? (Be it swinging or poly... as I’m guessing it’s the former that he’s labelling as the latter) and is in the ‘gung-ho’ quantity not quality headspace. He does sound v immature but my prior statement still stands. "
lol look im with you and i stick by onions

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool


"People are saying he sounds insensitive but I'm confused.

You say he distanced himself from you?

How did he do that, what made you feel like that was the case?

What is "dark sarcasm"? Are you just meaning he was saying he found the jazz singer attractive and would have enjoyed her joining the pair of you?

I personally, don't find any of those disrespectful... Sometimes people are a bit distant, it can be their headspace, something that's happened earlier in the day, it even something that's been said in the evening that gives them something to think about making them feel distant.

As for talking about finding someone else attractive. God, you don't want to hear me out with friends let alone my lovers or husband. I've lost count of how many times a day I ask if we can take someone home or speculate what they would be like in bed....

This. Maybe I read it wrong or misunderstood but I’m not understanding why someone would be talking about crying over someone fantasising over another woman joining them in bed on a swingers site? "

It's not about that though. The guy was married and she doesn't mention anything about having issues with that part so she seems fine with the non-monogamous aspect. If I was on a one on one date with someone who didn't even want to sit near me I wouldn't be very happy.

The part about other people joining them and her company alone not being good enough may have been a joke but coupled with wanting physical distance between them it was in poor taste and clearly didn't make her feel very nice. Something he hasn't even been able to apologise for. However the fact the OP is so upset about it, hasn't mentioned him claiming it to be a joke and how he only text her to ask where she had gone when she left but remained in the venue leads me to believe he rejected her physical affection and put a physical distance between them as he wanted the appearance of being single in case he met someone else there. Trying to pull while on a date with someone else is pretty disrespectful. While being Polyamorous means you can date multiple people there is still a line and it should be done in a way that is respectful to everyone involved.

Even if his actions have been wildly misinterpreted, the fact he has basically dismissed her feelings and said it is her fault she is upset and isn't willing to look at his own behaviour at all isn't great. I have had times in my own relationships where I have meant absolutely no harm but for whatever reason my behaviour has been hurtful to my partner. You talk about it and try to find a way to prevent it from happening in the future. Polyamory takes a lot of work and communication to make it work and it seems he wasn't willing to put that in.

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By *esparate danMan
over a year ago

glasgow

Could you have read the situation wrong and assumed a game of footsie was appropriate in a jazz club ..where in fact he feared it may have made you appear to be a couple of amateurs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I want one of those

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By *herryblossom_BJ OP   Woman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"Could you have read the situation wrong and assumed a game of footsie was appropriate in a jazz club ..where in fact he feared it may have made you appear to be a couple of amateurs "

It was light tongue and cheek the footie comment.. Doesn't justify his behaviour for the rest of the evening. This is the type of mentally I don't accept where one focuses on one thing and uses excuse for poor behaviour. If that's the case, he certainly was not worth knowing.

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