FabSwingers.com forum: Best way to detach?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

What are your thoughts on “moving on” from someone?

My relationship has ended

I’ve/we’ve now gone past the point of no return. But how do you remove yourself emotionally when you’re trying to keep on civil terms? There’s not much animosity tbh. We don’t hate each other.

I’m struggling as the open lines of amicable communication are crippling me.

Any advice gratefully received.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm no expert

However I did feel strongly for a girl once. It ended because I had commitment issues at the time

We kept in touch, and still text now and again to this day

With that said - I do feel like cutting her off from my life would have made things a lot easier

Remaining "friends" made it much harder to move on

If you're struggling, perhaps you're best to be open with them about how you feel - and maybe even cut-ties with them completely or temporarily. It's not an easy thing to do, but if getting over them is the goal, it might be the best thing for you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 15/07/19 20:06:02]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Maybe try having a bit of space away from him for a while

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By *urvy Girl 79Woman
over a year ago

Near Bourne

I found remaining friends made it harder emotionally. In the end I decided we needed to cut all ties and this, although hurt initially made me heal a lot quicker. I needed time away from him to get myself in a better place emotionally.

It's not easy but you will get there.

Hugs x

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By *urved HunnyWoman
over a year ago

Essex

My harsh but "better in the long run" advice is this, delete all pictures, do not communicate further in any way, any speaking seeing etc just prolongs the agony, i would gently explain to him first, then delete all numbers etc, then distract the hell out if yourself and dont allow yourself to think about him. It works xxx

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By *ed and WolfieCouple
over a year ago

Gravesend

I’m my experience you need to remove them from your immediate life ( can be difficult if they are in your work or friends cycle )

Once you have got past the immediate upheaval of separating them you can hopefully stay civil if you see each other in a social situation

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Do what u think is best for you.

When we ask for advice we normally know what we want to do we just want to hear some one say YES THATS OK.

Trust Yourself Xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Remember why you split. I find that the best way.

It’s ok trying to stay amicable as long as no one has an ulterior motive of trying to get the other one back or guilt tripping the other one.

It takes time. You can’t just switch off emotions and feelings

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Bless you. It’s an awful situation to be in. And I’m sorry to hear of your troubles with it. But sounds like you moved on in the end. Which is good!!

I don’t want to come across as unfriendly by chopping it off but it’s incredibly hard. Finding it hard to feel strong. Right now, and trying to protect myself from my own emotions in destructive ways. It’s literally making me look v weak.

I’m bigger than this. I’ve never been able to be “friends” with an ex for this v reason.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Stop torturing yourself, you can be civil without being close. Cut off contact and only resume it when you feel you've moved on.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Remember why you split. I find that the best way.

It’s ok trying to stay amicable as long as no one has an ulterior motive of trying to get the other one back or guilt tripping the other one.

It takes time. You can’t just switch off emotions and feelings "

I don’t have an alterior motive. I don’t think he does.

I feel I can move on better if I cut ties but don’t want to look like I’m being mean x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've never been able to be friends until ive fully healed. Everything he did without me hurt too much

Once my feelings have gone I'm ok

I'm now very good friends with several ex boyfriends

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By *alcon43Woman
over a year ago

Paisley

Don’t see them for a while. I’ve been there too. Find something that irritates you about them. Then I remember why it didn’t work. It’s difficult but sometimes you still need a friend.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Remember why you split. I find that the best way.

It’s ok trying to stay amicable as long as no one has an ulterior motive of trying to get the other one back or guilt tripping the other one.

It takes time. You can’t just switch off emotions and feelings

I don’t have an alterior motive. I don’t think he does.

I feel I can move on better if I cut ties but don’t want to look like I’m being mean x "

You need to stop worrying about what it looks like to him and put your own welfare first. Simply tell him that it's better if you don't have any contact and keep to it. It will probably be better for him in the long run also.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you all. In my experience you are all pretty much 100% correct.

I think I’m going to throw myself into my own life for a while. It’s a need for healing at the end of the day!!

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By *ertsguy2000Man
over a year ago

hertford

"Bless you. It’s an awful situation to be in. And I’m sorry to hear of your troubles with it. But sounds like you moved on in the end. Which is good!!

I’m bigger than this. I’ve never been able to be “friends” with an ex for this v reason. "

It’s not about being weak, you have obviously invested time and lots of emotional energy into this relationship, so your current feelings are to be expected, and I think that’s key to moving on really, understand why you are feeling like you are, it’s perfectly natural, don’t beat yourself up for feeling like the way you do, it makes you a beautiful caring person, be proud of that fact x

The only thing that really helps is time, over time you will undertake a change of feelings from feeling that the world is crashing in around you to eventually looking back and smiling over the memories of what you had. Time WILL heel, I promise.

Busy yourself too, be it with something intense and short lived on here, or throw yourself into a hobby, sports or at work. Eventually you’ll realise, wow, there’s been two hours when you haven’t thought about them, then two days, then two weeks.

You seem a lovely genuine lady, you have a good heart and you’ll get there again, probably when you least expect it

Happy to PM

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Remember why you split. I find that the best way.

It’s ok trying to stay amicable as long as no one has an ulterior motive of trying to get the other one back or guilt tripping the other one.

It takes time. You can’t just switch off emotions and feelings

I don’t have an alterior motive. I don’t think he does.

I feel I can move on better if I cut ties but don’t want to look like I’m being mean x "

Tell him that. And it's the small things. If you were living together and still have to sort things out and one of you move out, then stay away from them in the evenings when you are both in. Stop putting an xx or whatever on text messages. Just the small things. But if you tell him why you are distancing, then he should understand.

If he doesn't, it probably means he's not ready to move on. Be cruel to be kind.

Hugs to you at this difficult time.

xx Niki

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Unless children are involved I would keep contact to a minimum for first couple months

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Maybe try having a bit of space away from him for a while "

This is the only way, then you can reset/recover yourself

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Remember why you split. I find that the best way.

It’s ok trying to stay amicable as long as no one has an ulterior motive of trying to get the other one back or guilt tripping the other one.

It takes time. You can’t just switch off emotions and feelings

I don’t have an alterior motive. I don’t think he does.

I feel I can move on better if I cut ties but don’t want to look like I’m being mean x "

Your not being mean. Just get on with your life and if you bump into each other be civil and friendly like you would anyone else. Good luck with everything

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I found remaining friends made it harder emotionally. In the end I decided we needed to cut all ties and this, although hurt initially made me heal a lot quicker. I needed time away from him to get myself in a better place emotionally.

It's not easy but you will get there.

Hugs x"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thank you all. In my experience you are all pretty much 100% correct.

I think I’m going to throw myself into my own life for a while. It’s a need for healing at the end of the day!! "

You sound like you know what to do, but the pain of parting is one of the worst, my heart goes out to you. My approach has been to feel the pain when it occurs, rather than finding ways to avoid it, but also to find new pleasures in my life that don't involve being in a relationship. Travelling, reading, painting have all helped me to like and forgive myself a little more.

Good luck, act from kindness to yourself and then others.

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By *he OriginalsCouple
over a year ago

peterborough

Time is a great healer. I’ve been through it all and picked myself up and licked my wounds. Time to find yourself again! Enjoy you time alone, believe me in five years time u will look back and think “my god why did I beat myself up so much”

No contact either cus all your doing is punishing yourself!

Remember you before others! And believe in everything you do !!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What are your thoughts on “moving on” from someone?

My relationship has ended

I’m struggling as the open lines of amicable communication are crippling me.

Any advice gratefully received. "

It is unnatural to be 'nice' and 'civil' when trying to move on. You can only be true friends in future once both of you have properly moved on and the emotion has gone. Best way for both of you is to completely cut contact. If there is a reason you can't (kids etc) then it becomes a lot more complicated.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I like this poem by Wendy Cope

Two Cures For Love

1 Don't see him. Don't phone or write a letter

2 The easy way:get to know him better

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By *rontier PsychiatristMan
over a year ago

Coventry

I've managed it with my ex wife. Mainly because of the children, if not for them I'd just wouldn't need any contact with her. But as she lives some distance away from us it's important to me that I support her having contact and staying in their lives. Plus she is still their mum and it's important she had a role in things. So I just had to put away feeling of pain and anger and go forward care and decency towards my ex for the sake of my kids, her and me. It's was important for me that hate did not rule and my ex also moved on in a positive way. Not because I'm some kind of nice guy move that it was logical if she moved on ok it was better for the kids and thus me. I am to support her being a positive role model to them and the kids to see how two adults with kids should break up. So keeping a positive supportive line of communication was vital to me. And it's something I think me and the ex do well.

Now for a caveat, in my situation my ex has also been quite open to maintaining good relations and communication. To the extent we've been able to have holidays with the kids etc. I have no experiance when one party is so hurt and/or angry and bitter they are not open to amicable communication going forward.

For me I just had to over come my negative feeling. Learn to love my self and accept that my ex is her own person and made her own choices that were not aimed as an attack on me just a reflection of her own character and choices. So I always tried to come aproch her in calm, respectful and caring mannor. To try and understand her needs as well as mine. This is far more inviting in terms of communication. Granted I had to hold my tounge a lot (I still do sometimes). I think the key thing is to come to know yourself, let go of the hurt and go forward with looking at what is constructive. With the hope your ex will follow suit following your lead and example.

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By *rontier PsychiatristMan
over a year ago

Coventry

Oh and in time you will be in a better place as you move and the mist clears.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Took me months to get over someone in my past at one point deliberately got angry with her just to justify the break up I felt like crap for doing it but over time it gets easier We talk Still now as old friends

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By *litterbabeWoman
over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

There is a book entitled "It's called a breakup because it's broken", it is a very helpful easy read and humerous guide that helps people get through. I have used it myself and recommended it to others and I feel it's a really good help.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"There is a book entitled "It's called a breakup because it's broken", it is a very helpful easy read and humerous guide that helps people get through. I have used it myself and recommended it to others and I feel it's a really good help."

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By *irginieWoman
over a year ago

Near Marlborough

There’s no right way of doing this, and perhaps you need to try a couple of different strategies before you find one that starts to work.

Remaining friends takes up a lot of emotional space and sometimes cutting off is easier. But cutting off comes with the pain of no longer seeing that person.

The only thing I know for sure is that you should try to avoid big decisions about how you deal with it because chances are you’ll want to change your mind. Just be kind to yourself, do what you need not what someone else needs.

V x

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By *ooneyloubylouWoman
over a year ago

Rotherham

"What are your thoughts on “moving on” from someone?

My relationship has ended

I’m struggling as the open lines of amicable communication are crippling me.

Any advice gratefully received. "

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By *riendly BiMan
over a year ago

It’s really hard to start with. When I separated from my ex it was because she had a breakdown and no matter what I did I couldn’t convince her to stay. She just wanted to be on her own. It took me months to get over it fully

But my friends were there for me and that helped big time

I’m much happier now

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you all these are such gems of info and advice. I feel a lot better today but it all takes time!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What are your thoughts on “moving on” from someone?

My relationship has ended

I’m struggling as the open lines of amicable communication are crippling me.

Any advice gratefully received. "

I cut ties and go whoreing/shagging women my friends message for me (instead of myself messaging them honestly)

....I get my player mates to set me up with a cheating wife/gilfriend...

That's what happened first time my first girlfriend dumped me.

I was a quivering crying pathetic emotional mess.

But then you grow from being a boy to being a MAN. And only girls/week boys cry over shit like that.

I forgot all about my first girlfriend because my friend saw what it did to me and introduced me to fucking cheating slappers.

I want on a shagging rampage. Then when living abroad and shaged more...

Drink and drugs and whores and playing new girlfriends....

Then I may a nice girl and my first girlfriend meant nothing to me because the new girl was better.

I don't think I will ever get emotional about being dumped ever again (unless divorced)

I've had these rolercoaster relationships that last a few month and I don't let them affect me emotionally.

You must be stoic about these things.

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By *TkitkatWoman
over a year ago

Staffordshire

It's painful and not a lot of pain is easy to take away just like that.

Time is the main thing, but it usually gets worse before it gets better.

After a while, and everyone is different, you'll have a Eureka moment where you sit and think well... he/she probably isn't sitting there in bits over it so why should I?

You may have to be brutally honest with yourself and cut any form of contact for a short time, unless there are kids involved then you really can't. In which case you can keep it to something platonic and professional like email, which to me at least seems a bit more formal than carrying him or her around in a text message in my pocket

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By *he Happy ManMan
over a year ago

Merseyside

"What are your thoughts on “moving on” from someone?

My relationship has ended

I’m struggling as the open lines of amicable communication are crippling me.

Any advice gratefully received. "

Moving on is hard. I find it best to cut all contact. If you keep in contact it makes moving on a lot harder.

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