FabSwingers.com forum: How to say no...?

By *hiteroseredrose OP Woman
over a year ago

Huddersfield

I’m sure this topic comes up a lot...I was chatting to a few ladies in a club the other night and we all have different ideas about how to say no. Online I think can be easier as if you can ignore/block if someone isn’t taking no for an answer. But in person, in a club, when approached how do you say no? I understand some people prefer blunt and to the point, but some see that as rude, dancing around no sometimes confuses, do you have any set lines to say no thanks, something you feel comfortable is somewhere in the middle? How do we like to be refused? Do you give one way but prefer to take it a different way or do you treat how you want to be treated?

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"No thanks" or similar in a friendly tone usually works fine for me. Or not now, or I'm getting a drink, or I want to chat for awhile, etc.

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By *hiteroseredrose OP Woman
over a year ago

Huddersfield

Do you have anyone that doesn’t take that though, obviously the no thanks is to the point but the other conversation types...what do you say if they continue to ask so say I’ll come get a drink with you or we’ll i will see you in a bit then?x

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By *adeiteWoman
over a year ago

Staffordshire

If they don't take no thank you for an answer then you say no louder and louder until they get the hint, or go speak to a staff member.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"If they don't take no thank you for an answer then you say no louder and louder until they get the hint, or go speak to a staff member. "

This. If they can't take a polite friendly no then that's their problem.

You can't nice someone into respecting your decision.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I keep it simple.

"I'm sorry, but no thanks"

Works 99% of the time.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

What to do with pesterers.

"Oh, no thanks" (friendly tone)

"I said no thank you" (slightly annoyed tone)

Get a member of staff.

If they're not chucked out and they persist, go back to the staff.

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By *hiteroseredrose OP Woman
over a year ago

Huddersfield

So you just go for a plain no...it makes my stomach hurt hahaha I know that sounds ridiculous

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We get a lot of this some people will not accept no as an answer in some cases they ask why. people have different ways of handling it start with the softly softly approach then get to the point we are not interested usually does it if they get shirty block them

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By *hiteroseredrose OP Woman
over a year ago

Huddersfield

I think it’s lookong like a straight no is where most people go...I think I am just going to have to be a bit firmer than I am

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"So you just go for a plain no...it makes my stomach hurt hahaha I know that sounds ridiculous"

If you say it with a smile and a friendly tone it's fine.

It's having to repeat yourself and make yourself be mean that's harder.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Do you have anyone that doesn’t take that though, obviously the no thanks is to the point but the other conversation types...what do you say if they continue to ask so say I’ll come get a drink with you or we’ll i will see you in a bit then?x"

It's always nice to be just honest in my opinion.

A polite no thank you is all that's needed. When I was a single male in the club's I would never push it and if they wanted to play I would just go with the flow. If they didn't I always preferred a no thank you as then you're not led to think anything else and then we would still chat and have a bit of banter.You never know there's always another time.

Mr Nice x

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By *imandher84Couple
over a year ago

Leeds

If its something you really struggle with and potentially spoils your night, just try telling them you are very sorry but you have your eye on somebody else. Worse case scenario if you don't play that night they just think you didn't get lucky

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By *iss LovelyWoman
over a year ago

Here and There

If someone directly asks if I want to go play and I don’t then I’ll just say no thank you. If they repeatedly ask I’ll tell them no and to please stop asking.

If someone I’m not interested in is trying to talk to me in a club, I’ll be nice, polite but then walk away. I’d only ever say something very direct if they were pestering.

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By *hiteroseredrose OP Woman
over a year ago

Huddersfield

That’s the issue I seem to have, I can’t decide if it’s me and how I am saying no or if it’s just a random group of people that don’t take no. But yes I usually get people ask why, or what it is about them or what they can do...I have literally said there’s no one that has caught my eye and still had them ask if I want to go to a room, then I left the club and they then found my profile and messaged me four times before I saw it and blocked them...I don’t like to seem rude but some people don’t seem to listen.

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By *hiteroseredrose OP Woman
over a year ago

Huddersfield

One of the ladies!!!

When I was waiting for you to come out of the room I was asked, I said I was just there waiting for you, then he asked again I said I was only there for the social side that night, all this time I am walking round the square four times...we were split up walking through I crowd so I ran off to the changing room to take pictures till you came out hahaha!! I think it’s me, but I always worry I am going to be rudely blunt with someone who would have taken a gentle hint and now I look the bitch x

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By *hiteroseredrose OP Woman
over a year ago

Huddersfield

I’ve done that one too and then they ask who and then it’s a competition of why them not me. I think I might have just been approached by the wrong people...I think I just need to be firmer...but it does come close to ruining my night, I’ve left clubs because of it x

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By *hiteroseredrose OP Woman
over a year ago

Huddersfield

And you would never think someone was rude saying a straight no?x

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By *hiteroseredrose OP Woman
over a year ago

Huddersfield

Yes true x

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By *he riverdeep69Couple
over a year ago

North west ish

You seriously need to be more straight talking with people. The approach you have is giving them false hope. You don't want to play with them - A simple no thanks not what I am looking for. If they persist say it again but alot louder. If still persisting one last attempt and louder still, but adding 'you obviously have difficulty understanding NO' and then report to staff. Don't leave any ambiguity or people will walk all over you.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"That’s the issue I seem to have, I can’t decide if it’s me and how I am saying no or if it’s just a random group of people that don’t take no. But yes I usually get people ask why, or what it is about them or what they can do...I have literally said there’s no one that has caught my eye and still had them ask if I want to go to a room, then I left the club and they then found my profile and messaged me four times before I saw it and blocked them...I don’t like to seem rude but some people don’t seem to listen. "

That's them not you.

You're allowed to say no. If they ask why, because I'm not interested. If they persist, because I said no thank you. Then escalate.

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By *rystaldenisonWoman
over a year ago

salisbury

I say no thankyou once nicely and then a firm FUCK OFF LOL

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By *essons in LustCouple
over a year ago

huddersfield

Lol

We get this sometimes and I always want to be polite and friendly but when they carry on relentlessly invading your space and putting you off sex I just want to say please fuck off now you’re

acting like a wasp

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

If someone can't handle rejection then they shouldn't be in a swinger's club. They're not entitled to sex.

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By *iss LovelyWoman
over a year ago

Here and There

"One of the ladies!!!

Always be polite to start with, but once they’re pushy then don’t worry about being rude. They’re being rude by being pushy aren’t they?

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By *essons in LustCouple
over a year ago

huddersfield

"One of the ladies!!!

Always be polite to start with, but once they’re pushy then don’t worry about being rude. They’re being rude by being pushy aren’t they? "

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

Yup. Your bodily autonomy trumps their feelings.

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By *hiteroseredrose OP Woman
over a year ago

Huddersfield

Fair enough x

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By *hiteroseredrose OP Woman
over a year ago

Huddersfield

True...very true

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By *hiteroseredrose OP Woman
over a year ago

Huddersfield

Hahahahaha

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I’m sure this topic comes up a lot...I was chatting to a few ladies in a club the other night and we all have different ideas about how to say no. Online I think can be easier as if you can ignore/block if someone isn’t taking no for an answer. But in person, in a club, when approached how do you say no? I understand some people prefer blunt and to the point, but some see that as rude, dancing around no sometimes confuses, do you have any set lines to say no thanks, something you feel comfortable is somewhere in the middle? How do we like to be refused? Do you give one way but prefer to take it a different way or do you treat how you want to be treated? "
I just look them in the eye....... They know

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By *hiteroseredrose OP Woman
over a year ago

Huddersfield

Hahaha I clearly don’t have a strong look!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hahaha I clearly don’t have a strong look!!"
No if you look at them with a sexy sultry look you'll never get rid of them........ You obviously don't hate them but look like you hate them they go away

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By *hiteroseredrose OP Woman
over a year ago

Huddersfield

See that just seems really mean?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"See that just seems really mean?"
yes but you're not being mean you're saying no with your eyes but the eyes are saying I hate you.......... But of course you don't, its all in the eyes

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By *hyBoyLancsMan
over a year ago

Lancs

Saying 'no thanks' isn't rude at all, anyone who either doesn't get the message from this or takes umbrage is too immature (or d*unk) to be at a club.

'Not just now' sounds like 'definitely yes, but in a while' to a lot of single men, hence the second and potentially third approaches. They're not necessarily stupid, they are there for the same reason as you, so the initial approach is reasonable but so is a polite, definite refusal.

Don't leave room for hope, just say it directly and politely, it saves time for everyone and most men will take it a lot better than you might think.

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By *hyBoyLancsMan
over a year ago

Lancs

As an aside, why does 'd*unk' get an asterisk in it? It's bizarre, far worse words go through uncensored!

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By *hiteroseredrose OP Woman
over a year ago

Huddersfield

I think I just have to get over me thinking it’s rude and just say no. I have been told just not to speak to people I wouldn’t be interested in but again I think that’s quite rude. I enjoy going to clubs for the social side too, but how just chatting can give the wrong idea worries me x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I used to wear a topaz ring and pretend to be engaged, whenever I was chatted up. I was a bit of a man phobe and didn't even want them talking to me. It stopped the potential conversation in it's tracks

Holly

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think I just have to get over me thinking it’s rude and just say no. I have been told just not to speak to people I wouldn’t be interested in but again I think that’s quite rude. I enjoy going to clubs for the social side too, but how just chatting can give the wrong idea worries me x"

You could say they seem like a nice bloke, but you just aren't interested. Sometimes it's best to rip the band aid off. It's also a polite way to say No, when you also pay them a compliment as you reject them

Holly

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A simple no thank you in s friendly way and if that's not accepted then just say "I said no thank you" in a stern voice.

It's not rude at all... Them persisting is rude and disrespectful towards you.

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By *hyBoyLancsMan
over a year ago

Lancs

It's the hope thing... You could just say you're only interested in chatting at the start of the conversation. Ok,some might immediately wander off, but you're probably well shut of them anyway.

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By *hiteroseredrose OP Woman
over a year ago

Huddersfield

True x thank you

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By *hiteroseredrose OP Woman
over a year ago

Huddersfield

Yea that’s what I was thinking, kind of coming up with a no thanks sentence...then it’s not as blunt and short as no but definitely includes it.x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just say no

I don't know why people find it so difficult

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By *yeball91Man
over a year ago

southampton

I was at a sauna the other day, a guy kept coming up to me and touching me. After saying no 3 times. I just said I’ll knock him out if he touches me again! Think he got the idea lol

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By *_MariusMan
over a year ago

Currently Faraway

I like to be rejected with a sweet and polite but honest way. I hate vague signals.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thanks for the message but you are not what I'm looking for.

Perfect response,

Accepted and move on

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If they do not understand the word NO that is their issue and should take it as that. Some people cannot accept being rejected but should still be respectful to the word no. If they persist then they are showing signs of disrespect. I would report them to the owners if they are persistent and just will not take no as an answer.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thanks for the message but you are not what I'm looking for.

Perfect response,

Accepted and move on

The OP means in person

Holly

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

yes, this way, well maybe not but tell him you are a black belt in taekwondo. It might make him think twice because they should respect your wishes.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A simple NO should do it surely !!

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By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

"Yea that’s what I was thinking, kind of coming up with a no thanks sentence...then it’s not as blunt and short as no but definitely includes it.x"

'Ahhh thanks for the kind offer but I'm not playing at the moment'

Or if in the play areas.

'Sorry I'm not feeling it with you right now, maybe another time'

And just be clear and firm.

Easy peasy

lol

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By *hyBoyLancsMan
over a year ago

Lancs

Sadly, these are neither clear nor firm as they are not direct refusals. They imply that you are potentially interested, which gives the hope that you will say yes sooner or later. This encourages the repeat requests that you are trying to avoid!

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By *_MariusMan
over a year ago

Currently Faraway

“Sorry, but, I’m not feeling it” in a nice manner should be more than obvious. One has to be a bit disingenuous to think that such a refusal is vague....my humble view though

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By *hyBoyLancsMan
over a year ago

Lancs

But 'maybe another time' is the bit that encourages the hope that the woman will change her mind...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just say I'm only chatting for now. Maybe later.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I prefer to receive a polite "no thankyou" a reason isn't required. I tend to do the same.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If the answer is no and you want to make sure the message is received clearly then I really don't understand the need to add anything to appear polite

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By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

"Sadly, these are neither clear nor firm as they are not direct refusals. They imply that you are potentially interested, which gives the hope that you will say yes sooner or later. This encourages the repeat requests that you are trying to avoid! "

Maybe but we've used both those terms and never been bothered after, apart from once after. Then we just said a flat no. Usually they are taken with good grace and excepted. If they're not then they get blunt.

Truth is the one guy that questioned it would have questioned anything. But we always like to be nice where possible.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I employ the richter scale of no -

Not really,

No thank you,

I said no now stop it,

Now fuck off!

Blocked

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I employ the richter scale of no -

Not really,

No thank you,

I said no now stop it,

Now fuck off!

Blocked"

You can't block people in a swinging club.

OP is asking about club's not fab

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

It will for me depend upon the person and their behaviour. I'll always aim to be respectful but in essence we will be acting in response to some cue or invitation from another - thus someone groping me gets a different response to someone offering a drink, for example.

I like things to be clear - occasionally I may just say no thanks, if it's an uninvited sexual move. If it's someone getting close, I may move position.

If after chatting I have no immediate interest, I will potentially inform them that I'm moving on, to explore the place. This is a potential time when I'd let my behaviour speak, saying that interest is low to non-existent.

If asked if I'm interested, I'll thank them and tell them I'm not and wish them well.

I'll generally not get into explaining myself and reasons. A polite no by word or act, is enough.And inappropriate behaviour is owed nothing.

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By *ollycouple71Couple
over a year ago

manchester

"If someone can't handle rejection then they shouldn't be in a swinger's club. They're not entitled to sex. "

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By *JohnMan
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

""No thanks" or similar in a friendly tone usually works fine for me."

As the person on the receiving end, this is the kind of rejection I want. It's polite but unambiguous. I wouldn't bother you again, unless I've forgotten that you've already said no (combine a terrible memory with face blindness, and this happens too often)

"Or not now, or I'm getting a drink, or I want to chat for awhile, etc."

This says try again later. Only use it if you really do mean 'not now, but probably later', because I will ask again.

If they don't take the rejection, don't feel bad about escalating and using the tools available to you (staff at a club, blocking and reporting here). They've already demonstrated that they don't respect you. If they get away with it, they'll repeat the same behaviour with others.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some very good advice here OP.

I usually go to clubs with my OH so saying no isn't really a problem. But there have been occasions when I've been on my own while he was playing etc and have been approached. I will chat to the person and if we click and they suggest a play I will go with them. But if I dont feel it I say 'No thanks'. Never had a persistent person keep on and on and on and if that happened I would be firm in my approach of saying no.

I've have had the problem of clicking with someone and going into, albeit an open room because a closed one wasnt available, and the person coming in too and trying to join in but I very loudly said 'No!' And they guy i was with backed me up and made the guy get off the bed and out of the room.

Staying quiet and not wanting to ruin the night will only make YOU feel bad and ruin your experience in this lifestyle. C Xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I prefer to receive a polite yes please........ Ravish me

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By *sGivesWoodWoman
over a year ago

ST. AUSTELL, CORNWALL

No thanks.

I already said no thanks.

Report to staff and or owners.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 25/06/19 11:58:03]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If they ask in our club the phrase is "can I join you?"

Our reply is just No thank you

If they ask again

We said no if you can't respect that and ask us again then we will have to speak to the staff / manager. That will soon gets rid of them although tbh 99% of people accept the first no thank you with no problems. If they don't then they aren't a swinger and shouldn't be in a swinging club tbh as they clear don't get the rules / ethos.

At the end of the day a no on one evening may well be a yes if asked a month later as people's desires change so anyone been rude is just ruining the option permanently.

Only thing to consider is the area your playing in. If say your in an open play / orgy room then you can say no to contact / play but they can still watch based on the room rules. If that bothers you then go to one of the more private play rooms with a lockable door x

J K x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

For me I prefer to get a just a straight 'No thankyou' or 'Your not what I'm/we're looking for'

If someone says for example,

'not now' my dick says 'oh I will come back later then'

Or 'Oh I'm just socialising' great then I will happily chat away for an hour same with just dancing, excellent love a dance me!

However when I say No in a club somehow I always make up an excuse like 'Oh sorry wished we had met earlier I'm just recovering'

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By *_MariusMan
over a year ago

Currently Faraway

"If they ask in our club the phrase is "can I join you?"

Our reply is just No thank you

If they ask again

At the end of the day a no on one evening may well be a yes if asked a month later as people's desires change so anyone been rude is just ruining the option permanently.

J K x"

Do they ask “can I join you” while they’re at the stage of trying to converse with you at the bar? Or are you talking about a situation in a room where sex already happens? x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If they ask in our club the phrase is "can I join you?"

Our reply is just No thank you

If they ask again

At the end of the day a no on one evening may well be a yes if asked a month later as people's desires change so anyone been rude is just ruining the option permanently.

J K x

Do they ask “can I join you” while they’re at the stage of trying to converse with you at the bar? Or are you talking about a situation in a room where sex already happens? x"

Both so if we are in the bar area they may say are you going downstairs to play? Yes. Can I join you? Yes. Or we may say do you want to join us and go find a playroom.

The phrase is definitely mainly used in the play areas though. Invading people's personal space and any form of touching is banned in the play areas without first asking can you join and receiving a yes i.e consent is firmly established.

J K x

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By *_MariusMan
over a year ago

Currently Faraway

"If they ask in our club the phrase is "can I join you?"

Our reply is just No thank you

If they ask again

At the end of the day a no on one evening may well be a yes if asked a month later as people's desires change so anyone been rude is just ruining the option permanently.

J K x

Do they ask “can I join you” while they’re at the stage of trying to converse with you at the bar? Or are you talking about a situation in a room where sex already happens? x

Both so if we are in the bar area they may say are you going downstairs to play? Yes. Can I join you? Yes. Or we may say do you want to join us and go find a playroom.

J K x"

Do people always have the freedom to vocally ask in your club? I’m sure I must have read somewhere that sometimes, even asking somebody ‘kills’ the atmosphere, but I tend to agree with what you said x

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By *JohnMan
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

"Do people always have the freedom to vocally ask in your club? I’m sure I must have read somewhere that sometimes, even asking somebody ‘kills’ the atmosphere, but I tend to agree with what you said x"

You choose your moment. If they're deep into it and look like they wouldn't appreciate being interrupted, it's best to keep quiet. If they're climbing onto the bed and starting to remove clothes, then you can ask. Or if one perhaps has finished, but the other is happy to keep going.

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By *_MariusMan
over a year ago

Currently Faraway

My judgement is always to vocally ask or at least nod with meaning if at least one half of the couple—in a room—can answer me. If they’re having sex in a missionary position and they’re almost oblivious to anyone else, if there’s no eye contact or if the one half’s hands are not wandering invitingly, then I I don’t intrude. Then again, my judgement may be wrong for somebody else.

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By *uckandbunnyCouple
over a year ago

In your bed

If it's a straight question of would you like to go to a room, then I would be clear in your response.

Yes; if you do

No; if you don't

Maybe later; if you are wanting to spend more time socialising, need time to think or are hoping for an offer from elsewhere. But you should be interested if it's a maybe.

If it's not a straight forward offer to get intimate, I.e. Chat again later, then it will be a matter of whether you want to spend time chatting with people you do not want sexually.

We are fine with this as there a lots of lovely people and we will talk to many people with wanting to get into bed.

But we usually control that part of the conversation.

We are going to have a wander - we usually use this if we don't feel any chemistry and want to start chatting to those who we may click with.

We are going to a room feel free to join us - we use this if we are interested but have not got any clue from the conversation as to whether they are interested or just are a bit shy. It leaves them free to go elsewhere, but also let's them respond if they want to have fun.

Would you like to join us - for the times when; unless we have completely mis-read the situation, we are all wanting to move on from socialising.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Interesting topic. As a single guy, I prefer a simple “no thank you” But I’d much prefer this than, “maybe later” or any other reason that still

Suggests the female may be interested.

There’s nothing wrong in saying no, just because we’re in a swinging environment and there to play... well some still are I think

It doesn’t mean anyone is obligated to play, if there’s no interest / attraction etc.

I’m happy to chat and iv declined females as well, just a no thank you. Not being rude or pulling faces or other means to humiliate the female or couple. Just “no thank you”

Play safe and enjoy

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By *_MariusMan
over a year ago

Currently Faraway

"If it's a straight question of would you like to go to a room, then I would be clear in your response.

Yes; if you do

No; if you don't

Maybe later; if you are wanting to spend more time socialising, need time to think or are hoping for an offer from elsewhere. But you should be interested if it's a maybe.

If it's not a straight forward offer to get intimate, I.e. Chat again later, then it will be a matter of whether you want to spend time chatting with people you do not want sexually.

We are fine with this as there a lots of lovely people and we will talk to many people with wanting to get into bed.

But we usually control that part of the conversation.

We are going to have a wander - we usually use this if we don't feel any chemistry and want to start chatting to those who we may click with.

Would you like to join us - for the times when; unless we have completely mis-read the situation, we are all wanting to move on from socialising.

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By *hiteroseredrose OP Woman
over a year ago

Huddersfield

Exactly

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By *hiteroseredrose OP Woman
over a year ago

Huddersfield

I totally agree esp with the just because of where we are means nothing is guaranteed but you wouldn’t believe the amount of times I have heard so what are you doing here then!?

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By *hiteroseredrose OP Woman
over a year ago

Huddersfield

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By *_MariusMan
over a year ago

Currently Faraway

A lot of couples are in swingers’ clubs just to have sex with each other—as in, only the two of them—and a lot of couples and singles are there just to socialise. I would gladly just socialise but half the time, people make eye contact in totally different directions to me so it’d be rather awkward to stand in front of them or just tap them on the shoulder, eh?

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By *he Happy ManMan
over a year ago

Merseyside

For me, I would prefer soft rejection lol. Something like "I am sure you are a nice guy but you are not my type."

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By *he Happy ManMan
over a year ago

Merseyside

"If they don't take no thank you for an answer then you say no louder and louder until they get the hint, or go speak to a staff member. "

I would say no thanks. If they asked again I would say I have already said no please don't make me call staff.

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By *he Happy ManMan
over a year ago

Merseyside

Do what somebody did to a friend once.

Look at him, laugh and then say you,m must be fucking joking.

It did really happen but I was only joking about you doing it.

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By *rontier PsychiatristMan
over a year ago

Coventry

A can of MACE in the face often does the trick.

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By *ucy LewdWoman
over a year ago

North Oxfordshire

I just say that no, I’m not interested.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No sense in a bloke with a boner.

Goes for women too, but the net result is that you have to say what you mean, clearly and firmly.

How pleasant you are is a matter of personal taste, but the word no, clearly stated is all it should take.

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