FabSwingers.com forum: ghosting and confidence

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Hiya all, I had a meet arranged last night with a guy I have met around four times in the past. He's not very prolific on here as he seems to regularly delete his profile and set up a new one months later.

However on meeting he seems a nice guy, conversation is good, we have fun.

So he was the one asking for the meet, suggesting days and times, and two hours before messaged me to check I was still ok to meet.

The time came and went, no sign, all dressed up nowhere to go, and three hours later he'd deleted his profile.

My question is how do more experienced fabbers stop things like this knocking their confidence as I seem to struggle with that. Makes it worse I considered him a friend due to having met before and chatting a fair bit over the last six months.

I'm feeling quite meh today

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

His loss Darlin' ! Pity he wasted time you could've used to meet someone with more manners .

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By *r.ringMan
over a year ago

totton

He is a fucking idiot. Meets on here for men are as rare as hens teeth. I would guess from now on you will never agree to meet him ever again. I know how being let down can knock you. Try not to let it affect you it’s his problem don’t let it be yours. I’ve have a friend I met on here and we still have fun except she no longer has a profile on here she would get let down like this. She would find it was married men that normally let her down. Hope this helps. Xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"He is a fucking idiot. Meets on here for men are as rare as hens teeth. I would guess from now on you will never agree to meet him ever again. I know how being let down can knock you. Try not to let it affect you it’s his problem don’t let it be yours. I’ve have a friend I met on here and we still have fun except she no longer has a profile on here she would get let down like this. She would find it was married men that normally let her down. Hope this helps. Xx"

Thank you, no he's never getting another chance. He said from the beginning he was single but I'm suspecting now maybe he isn't xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"His loss Darlin' ! Pity he wasted time you could've used to meet someone with more manners ."

Thank you, yes it was a waste of an evening for me xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him, so don't let it knock your confidence. His behaviour suggests he is in a rocky, "on/off" relationship,but that shouldn't mean he can mess other people around whenever he feels like it. The way to avoid this in future is not to let anyone treat you like this again. You should recognise the signs now.

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By *heekyFlirtyCoupleCouple
over a year ago

Stockport

What everyone’s already said. Hugs from us. Xxxxx

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

It's no reflection on you. It's not a nice thing to do as you'd been talking for some time and had met.

I think you have to harden your heart and develop a thick skin. We've been spectacularly ghosted in the past, we usually send a nice message saying we understand that they've changed their mind, there are no hard feelings on our part and we're blocking just to stop us coming up in their searches.

I think if you understand that for many fab is a very superficial activity and that until you are sure that they're absolutely genuine in their intent keep your expectations low you'll avoid feeling meh.

Onwards and upwards

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hiya all, I had a meet arranged last night with a guy I have met around four times in the past. He's not very prolific on here as he seems to regularly delete his profile and set up a new one months later.

However on meeting he seems a nice guy, conversation is good, we have fun.

So he was the one asking for the meet, suggesting days and times, and two hours before messaged me to check I was still ok to meet.

The time came and went, no sign, all dressed up nowhere to go, and three hours later he'd deleted his profile.

I'm feeling quite meh today

I don't think you can stop things like this from happening OP. All we can do is address how we allow it to effect us when it happens.

I have to remind myself that it's Fab. That people are probably lying to me in some form or other. Holding things back that I don't know about.

Try to think through it logically and rationally. Did you do something wrong? If not, it's them and they may not dealing with things in the same way. In which case its probably best they keep their space.

We're all individuals and all you can do is tell him how it made you feel. Would it make either of you feel any better though?

Don't let him treat you like that again.

All you can do to avoid the kind of people you don't want to meet is find out more about them first.

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By *ydnNancyCouple
over a year ago

Basingstoke

I had a string of guys do that to me which is why I’ve taken a break from solo play as it’s left me with a bitter taste in my mouth.

The nice thing about being a couple though is that I can concentrate on couple play instead.

Trick is, try not to take it personally, avoid people who are similarly switching profiles as I don’t trust people like that.

Lots of great guys here. Just have to them out

Nancy

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By *ottielouWoman
over a year ago

Come and see x

A virtual hug to you....

It does happen and it shouldn't.

It does hurt

Don't let it get to you x x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As all the above, try not to take it personally and develop a thick skin. I have met guys like that, they only want fun on their own terms, when they want it, not when it's convenient for you.

I have learned the hard way to just try and not attach myself emotionally to people I meet off here. Though saying that it was someone who I met off here that really supported me during my hospital stay and recovery time.

Unfortunately, you can't tell how it's going to go with anyone you meet/chat on here. Just remember that Fab fluctuates a lot, meet on your own terms and don't let people bully you into chatting/meeting if you don't feel like it.

It is definitely his loss! I'd say if he contacts you again after setting up a new profile and asking to be verified by you again, just tell him 'no'.

There are some good guys on here who would treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Finding them takes some patience though. Good luck and don't let one idiot get you down.

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By *arkstaffsMan
over a year ago

Rugeley

Definitely his loss OP. Getting a meet is very hard for a guy so for him to waste your time like that is unbelievable. Stories like this make it even harder for men to be trusted to meet. There are plenty of genuine blokes on here.

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By *carlet_heavenWoman
over a year ago

somewhere in the sticks

After a number of years on ‘normal’ dating sites I noticed certain patterns of behaviour that indicate men to avoid. I called them ??.

These also apply irl & to ALL people.

My conclusion is that you’re better off working on your own interpersonal perceptions & skills to avoid such problems (which are inevitable) with human contact.

Happy to discuss red flags via pm...but I’m sure all on here have a list of their own.

It’s 100 % nothing to do with you, lovely X

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By *sGivesWoodWoman
over a year ago

ST. AUSTELL, CORNWALL

I arrange to meet people when I'm out and about now, that way I've got plans, ie fmgoing into town etc anyway, so it's not wasted time that way. Hope this helps and sorry you were let down OP. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had this last week....a guy we had met and played with at a club. He had messaged a few days to say he was up for a social coffee and kissing. Then on the day never arrived.

Obviously it's there loss and you are better off without him. Yes it does knock your confidence but you just have to realise you are better than them and they aren't worth your energy.

Just be glad you found out before you left for the meet and weren't left waiting.

Best way to be better than him..is to go out, head held high and try again xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you everyone for all your advice and help. I'm going to forget the whole thing and put it down to experience.

Oh and avoid guys who's behaviour with profiles etc is a bit off x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I expect to exchange phone numbers with anyone I'm going to meet and I expect a text to confirm meet on the day and if they are running late. I always do a social first. There's no absolute way to stop people messing you around, it's their loss

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sad fact of life on here, but it could be worse, you could have around a 95% ghost rate which is what most couples and singles males deal with

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By *esires of HertsCouple
over a year ago

Herts and London Borders

Just have to move on..it happens to the even most experienced ...next !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Sad fact of life on here, but it could be worse, you could have around a 95% ghost rate which is what most couples and singles males deal with"

Yes we've had it happen on numerous occasions

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Happened to me on other dating sites.

It sucks - but the feelings pass. Just fully internalise that these things happen to everyone, and things will slowly get easier

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By *esires of HertsCouple
over a year ago

Herts and London Borders

Just make sure you never give these people any more chances ...be ruthless

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By *trangeleftyMan
over a year ago

London

Happens to me on a daily basis. It hurts...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

However on meeting he seems a nice guy, conversation is good, we have fun.

So he was the one asking for the meet, suggesting days and times, and two hours before messaged me to check I was still ok to meet.

The time came and went, no sign, all dressed up nowhere to go, and three hours later he'd deleted his profile.

I'm feeling quite meh today

You say he keeps deleting and recreating his profile that he arranged with you even checking before hand didn't turn up, how well do you really known him?

The fact he keeps deleting his profile would make me think he trying to hide it from some one, mabey a partner who knows.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sounds like he is in a relationship and gets a buzz from the chase. Poor behaviour by all accounts. Good luck op, sure you will find someone e who doesn't mess you around.

I always meet for drinks or coffee first for an hour or so, before taking it further and gave swapped numbers.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Empathy. At least the one I was talking to had the courtesy to cancel a playdate in advance. I don't know what goes on in some people's heads.

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By *layfulCouple86Couple
over a year ago

Lancashire

I dont think we'd meet someone who we knew had a habit of continuously deleting profiles and returning. It seems strange to do that to us.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sending hugs x

Like everyone above has said- it is his behaviour that is wrong. Try to focus on that.

We now only meet with men who have very very good verifications / know our friends. We have been let down and I have been ghosted by so many wimps who have got the balls to admit they’re no longer interested

Good luck xxx

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By *adyBugsWoman
over a year ago

cognito

Yup I’ve experienced something similar lately but it’s totally his loss because it led to me meeting someone much more respectful and I probably had way more fun!

Just have a hug, take a deep breath and try again (listen to the little voice that says “hmmm are you sure? Cos I’m a little bit unsure” as it’s always right and if someone is worth meeting they’ll respect your, your limits and boundaries) good luck! x

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By *entleman JayMan
over a year ago

Wakefield

However on meeting he seems a nice guy, conversation is good, we have fun.

So he was the one asking for the meet, suggesting days and times, and two hours before messaged me to check I was still ok to meet.

The time came and went, no sign, all dressed up nowhere to go, and three hours later he'd deleted his profile.

I'm feeling quite meh today

That’s a bad one.

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