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Swingers guilt

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By *nterracial2 OP   Couple
over a year ago

Ribble Valley

Hi fellow fabbers,

This one is for the female half of couples out there.

So we haven’t swung for a while due to commitments in the real world. Mr brought it up a few days ago, and I’ve started to feel guilt about wanting to swing.

It’s difficult to explain but I’ll give it a go. I really enjoy getting ready going out and having fun together and at the time I seem to be the one that’s a bit more open sexually. However, afterwards, the next day even, I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt that what we did wasn’t ok and i tend to mentally block it out. It’s difficult for him because he would like to discuss it but I just get overcome with my emotions and spill out every time that I’m not comfortable about it. :-s. So, he tends to shut down about it as I guess like most men he’s not emotionally expressive. Which is useful I guess as I’m not being pestered about it!

Does anyone else get this way? He genuinely is very patient about it, as you can see from our veris we meet less often than we used to. I feel like I’m holding us both back by letting the emotions get the better of me. I mean, we’ve openly talked about boundaries in the past and in theory we have a very good understanding. Logically it seems fine and dandy, but emotionally it’s not for me!

Any past experience or hints/tips would be useful.

N

x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If it doesn't feel okay emotionally, don't do it

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By *ldhillhotwifeCouple
over a year ago

Old Hill

Do you properly talk about it after?

We play with few rules and therefore play it by ear everytime but I find I need reassuring after that I didn't go to far.

Sx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Do you fel guilty all the time when you think about it or just after a meet? Look up sub drop, it could be like that. A drop in feel good hormones after an intense experience.

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By *ikeC81Man
over a year ago

harrow

I kind of understand where your coming from!!!

I for the next few days often go over-in my head did i do this OK, was I polite, why did I not cum, did I cum to quick, should I have done this

For me it’s part of my swinging journey - I play I over think

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By *olfAndKittenCouple
over a year ago

Bristol

In the bdsm scene there is a process called aftercare.

This is where the dom looks after the sub, whether its a fluffy blanket and cuddles to making love.

Its done primarily to stop or slow "subdrop"... Basically the body burns through dopamine, seretonin, endorphins and pretty much every happy hormone in your body (I am giving a basic description here so please forgive) *

It also gives the couple a bonding experience after, a chance to reconnect and reconfirm their feelings of love.

For me and swinging, I've always taken care of my partner after any sort of swinging... Generally it's a hot bath, where I wash them, massage and be very intimate after. It also gives a chance to discuss what was enjoyed, what wasn't, what we want to do next ect ect.

Might something like this be worth trying?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I get it. Always have in the various permutations of couples and singles I've been on here with.

I think it's a combination of things. We're good at being in the moment and performing to a degree. Then we go home and replay it all. When we're not present and in the moment suddenly guilt and over analyzing kick in. I think for lots of women a massive amount of social conditioning that you shouldn't be "slutty" or enjoy your sex life. This isn't the thing normal couples do etc. The whole maddonna / whore complex I suppose. I think there's also an element of drop (someone mentioned sub drop earlier, I think it's similar). All those endorphins, what goes up has to come down. So I think that doesn't help with the emotional crash.

I think that knowing you might feel like it afterwards can help. That way you can prepare for it, I think if you know it might come you can take steps to prevent it.

Accepting that it is probably quite normal and that it will go away, that you haven't done anything wrong. Lots of the advice for sub drop is really applicable - have a Google but this is probably sound advice. https://coffeeandkink.me/2017/10/23/subdrop/

If you know it's a thing you go through, talk to your partner about how you might react next time and what you can do as a couple to help you through it, even if that is that he just knows to not talk about it for a few days, do something extra nice for you etc. I think understanding that you might feel like shit helps you stay in control of it x

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By *ikeC81Man
over a year ago

harrow


"In the bdsm scene there is a process called aftercare.

This is where the dom looks after the sub, whether its a fluffy blanket and cuddles to making love.

Its done primarily to stop or slow "subdrop"... Basically the body burns through dopamine, seretonin, endorphins and pretty much every happy hormone in your body (I am giving a basic description here so please forgive) *

It also gives the couple a bonding experience after, a chance to reconnect and reconfirm their feelings of love.

For me and swinging, I've always taken care of my partner after any sort of swinging... Generally it's a hot bath, where I wash them, massage and be very intimate after. It also gives a chance to discuss what was enjoyed, what wasn't, what we want to do next ect ect.

Might something like this be worth trying? "

Wow this is so me!!!! I never knew this. It’s true I get the post play buzz then for a couple of days on a downer

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By *nterracial2 OP   Couple
over a year ago

Ribble Valley


"Do you properly talk about it after?

We play with few rules and therefore play it by ear everytime but I find I need reassuring after that I didn't go to far.

Sx"

We do talk about it after like on the drive home and a few days later, but then I request we stop as I don’t want to think about it all the time. Then when he brings it up to suggest we go somewhere or try something or potentially meet someone we’ve been chatting to the guilt builds up and I get the emotions of guilt flooding back and it always ends with me in tears!

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By *nterracial2 OP   Couple
over a year ago

Ribble Valley


"Do you fel guilty all the time when you think about it or just after a meet? Look up sub drop, it could be like that. A drop in feel good hormones after an intense experience.

"

It’s all the time, the post meet phase I’m fine, it’s the pre-meet, like it’s got to the point where I just breakdown with tears when he even brings it up. I must add that he’s dead supportive and doesn’t bring it up often, maybe once every other month over the last 12 months.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Do you fel guilty all the time when you think about it or just after a meet? Look up sub drop, it could be like that. A drop in feel good hormones after an intense experience.

It’s all the time, the post meet phase I’m fine, it’s the pre-meet, like it’s got to the point where I just breakdown with tears when he even brings it up. I must add that he’s dead supportive and doesn’t bring it up often, maybe once every other month over the last 12 months."

Why are you still meeting if it makes you feel so bad? It really sounds like this isn't for you at all. It isn't for everyone. You shouldn't be feeling bad that way, it's really not right. x

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By *ouble CCouple
over a year ago

Gran Canaria


"Hi fellow fabbers,

This one is for the female half of couples out there.

So we haven’t swung for a while due to commitments in the real world. Mr brought it up a few days ago, and I’ve started to feel guilt about wanting to swing.

It’s difficult to explain but I’ll give it a go. I really enjoy getting ready going out and having fun together and at the time I seem to be the one that’s a bit more open sexually. However, afterwards, the next day even, I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt that what we did wasn’t ok and i tend to mentally block it out. It’s difficult for him because he would like to discuss it but I just get overcome with my emotions and spill out every time that I’m not comfortable about it. :-s. So, he tends to shut down about it as I guess like most men he’s not emotionally expressive. Which is useful I guess as I’m not being pestered about it!

Does anyone else get this way? He genuinely is very patient about it, as you can see from our veris we meet less often than we used to. I feel like I’m holding us both back by letting the emotions get the better of me. I mean, we’ve openly talked about boundaries in the past and in theory we have a very good understanding. Logically it seems fine and dandy, but emotionally it’s not for me!

Any past experience or hints/tips would be useful.

N

x"

I feel that. It's more of a post-blues thing with me though. Talk to your guy honestly and tell him how you feel.

The thing is this is SUCH a secret lifestyle for us all and not being able to share it with others (outside of the lifestyle) can be hard. In particular if we have had a GREAT meet I always want to tell someone about it but can't.

Communication is the key to doing this. Miss C Xx

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By *nvercoupleCouple
over a year ago

Inverness

Have you tried talking about what happened in a meet while having sex with each other? Perhaps discuss what excited you both and maybe things you feel guilty about can be turned into excitement.xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Swingers Quilt?

I've not searched extensively but try Dunelm Mill.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oops...should have gone to Specsavers.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have an open relationship going on we meet as a couple or alone we don't feel any guilt but we also don't talk about what happened on the meet ups we just kind of ask if we had a nice time.

I would say you either need to have a proper chat about it or stop all together cause something doesn't sound right from the way that you are feeling I hope you get things sorted op

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When I was with my ex, we used to come home and shower and have our special intimacy. This may have been that. Wrapping our feet in oneanothers and feeling each other’s skin.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Hi fellow fabbers,

This one is for the female half of couples out there.

So we haven’t swung for a while due to commitments in the real world. Mr brought it up a few days ago, and I’ve started to feel guilt about wanting to swing.

It’s difficult to explain but I’ll give it a go. I really enjoy getting ready going out and having fun together and at the time I seem to be the one that’s a bit more open sexually. However, afterwards, the next day even, I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt that what we did wasn’t ok and i tend to mentally block it out. It’s difficult for him because he would like to discuss it but I just get overcome with my emotions and spill out every time that I’m not comfortable about it. :-s. So, he tends to shut down about it as I guess like most men he’s not emotionally expressive. Which is useful I guess as I’m not being pestered about it!

Does anyone else get this way? He genuinely is very patient about it, as you can see from our veris we meet less often than we used to. I feel like I’m holding us both back by letting the emotions get the better of me. I mean, we’ve openly talked about boundaries in the past and in theory we have a very good understanding. Logically it seems fine and dandy, but emotionally it’s not for me!

Any past experience or hints/tips would be useful.

N

x"

I think that last bit sums it up ‘emotionally it’s not for me’.

Maybe leave it for awhile or could you play different ie soft swap or just with each other.

I big vote for the ‘aftercare’. As a sub, and previously in a swing relationship, it’s essential to me that I reconnect with my partner. The emotional need is always high afterwards.

Hope you find some comfort and answer among these great responses.

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By *umpkinMan
over a year ago

near the sounds of the wimborne quarter jack!

I have a very good friend out there somewhere who if her health would permit would be with me all of the time, probably taking the lead if truths be told! However, her health means she has been unable to even consider play for several years and I have feelings of guilt that I am able to go to clubs and meets whilst she can`t. I do tell her if I`m going to a club or after I`ve had a meet but it still hurts me thinking about it at times.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Aftercare. always.

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By *nterracial2 OP   Couple
over a year ago

Ribble Valley

Thanks for the support guys, some very useful points brought up. Think we might take a break from Fab and do a bit of soul searching of what we actually want from swinging.

N

x

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