FabSwingers.com forum: Cheating, can you get over it....

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Ok so it turns out Fab changed things, Mrs f enjoyed the attention and behind my back created a singles profile.

This led to 2 meets for coffee, 1 meet with the intention of sex but he didn't turn up.

How many on here would be able to come back from this bomb shell?

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By *eeriseWoman
over a year ago

Manchester and that's all you need to know

I don’t understand why you would see that as cheating. She didn’t sleep with anyone or is it because you wanted to have a conversation first about boundaries?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Our rules were only chat on our joint profile, no meets alone.

She created a profile behind my back, met two guys for coffee, invited one to our home for sex and the only reason it didn't happen is he didn't turn up.

The profile was shown to me by another member here, initially denied.

To me the sex isn't the issue, it's the intention and betrayal of trust.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Has she explained why she felt the need to have a single profile ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Absolutely forgive....& embrace it!

Let's be honest, everyone fancies a change once in a while but often there's an extra thrill in it being unknown too - the act of 'cheating' may not be to hurt you, just adding to the excitement!

You must talk about it & come to your own arrangement - maybe have a DADT (don't ask, don't tell) arrangement or even agree that she meets others & then comes home & tell you EVERYTHING!!

Good luck!

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By *.D.I.D.A.SMan
over a year ago

London/Essex... ish... Romford to be exact

"I don’t understand why you would see that as cheating. She didn’t sleep with anyone or is it because you wanted to have a conversation first about boundaries?"

Intention was there. There was deceit. Emotionally she cheated. Personally I find it hard to forgive and forget.

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By *.D.I.D.A.SMan
over a year ago

London/Essex... ish... Romford to be exact

Wish to add good luck though whichever path you choose.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don’t understand why you would see that as cheating. She didn’t sleep with anyone or is it because you wanted to have a conversation first about boundaries?"

If they are a couple and she set up a singles profile without his knowledge that is in my mind a betrayal. Usually when a couple agree to swinging it is dependent on mutual trust and knowledge of activity. A cuckold type relationship may not have these parameters but it doesn't sound like that's what the OP thought they had. Same happened to me OP but he said it was so he could check I hadn't set up my own single profile?! Either way, a swinging relationship without trust is doomed I'd say

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Our rules were only chat on our joint profile, no meets alone.

She created a profile behind my back, met two guys for coffee, invited one to our home for sex and the only reason it didn't happen is he didn't turn up.

The profile was shown to me by another member here, initially denied.

To me the sex isn't the issue, it's the intention and betrayal of trust."

Personally this would be an absolute deal-breaker, not just for swinging but for the whole relationship as a whole.

Quite why your partner felt like she had to go behind your back to play when you two were already swingers together and all this was old hat for you both is beyond your comprehension or mine. The intention to cheat was already there. She already went all the way to invite a stranger guy into bed with her without your knowledge and into your shared bed.

This has "cheat" written all over it. Best to just leave her, because cracks like this won't be possible to repair, even with the relatively looser morals that us swingers hold towards sex with others outside of our relationships.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Absolutely forgive....& embrace it!

Let's be honest, everyone fancies a change once in a while but often there's an extra thrill in it being unknown too - the act of 'cheating' may not be to hurt you, just adding to the excitement!

You must talk about it & come to your own arrangement - maybe have a DADT (don't ask, don't tell) arrangement or even agree that she meets others & then comes home & tell you EVERYTHING!!

Good luck!

There is something in this too, an ex of mine got off on danger and risk, I could have given him my blessing to meet with my knowledge but he would still have done it behind my back. As that's the only way he could have hot his 'thrill'. Again though, no trust leads to no relationship in my experience

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By *eeriseWoman
over a year ago

Manchester and that's all you need to know

Op do you think she did it because she might have thought you did it?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

She has always actively encouraged me meeting alone, I've never done it and she knows my reasons.

My reasons for not being comfortable with her meeting alone have always been safety.

We openly (I thought) discussed this and were satisfied with the situation.

Her actual words have always been "I have no desire to meet alone anyway"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Op do you think she did it because she might have thought you did it?"

That's hardly relevant is it? It's like playground logic "I think he did it so why shouldn't I do it?"

If one cheats on their partner because they think that their partner's already done it, they're either supremely stupid, or they're just kidding themselves on the real reason. What kind of person would find cheating repulsive, and yet still do it anyway in retaliation???

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By *r JungleMan
over a year ago

West Bromich

This is a total deal breaker for me.

Wether your comfortable with swinging and meeting other people in my eyes all relationships are built on trust.

And she's broke that.

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By *eeriseWoman
over a year ago

Manchester and that's all you need to know

Anyway OP I hope you have this conversation with your wife and you manage to sort things out. There seems to be a disconnect, but hopefully you can work through this together. Good luck

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By *r JungleMan
over a year ago

West Bromich

"Anyway OP I hope you have this conversation with your wife and you manage to sort things out. There seems to be a disconnect, but hopefully you can work through this together. Good luck"

I totally agree pal. No matter what any of us say its down to whether you can trust again.

Hope things work out for you x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I monogamous relationships it's totally unacceptable. ..but in swingers relationships it's worse cos we have to abide by the rules of u have a partner ...it's obviously easier for us swingers too arrange a sex meet..if rules that u set are broken ...then ..deffo no ...other way around you would be lambasted.....up to u mate ..your life that's my opinion

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By *c-ukMan
over a year ago

Sevenoaks

I think you should embrace it. Some of us would love to have a wife or g/f that would see other guys. She is a lady that has a healthy interest in fun. You cant supress that you have to encourage it.. If your a true swinger you have to accept that she will get loads of attention and you wont get very much, even if you look like Johnny Depp, that's just the way things are..

Personally I would not see a lady if she wasn't prepared to cheat on me.. Having said that if you both set boundaries you should stick to them. But you have to be realistic, she is going to be desirable and have lots of choice..

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By *abulously curiousCouple
over a year ago

manchester

"I don’t understand why you would see that as cheating. She didn’t sleep with anyone or is it because you wanted to have a conversation first about boundaries?"
the only reason she didn't cheat was because he didn't show up... that's just as well cheating

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Believe me we're taking.

I'm past the stages of disbelief and anger stages of shock now anyway.

Personally I'd like to move on and put it down as a learning moment.

We knew there might be risks when we started out on here and it's bitten us.

No need to destroy what came before.

Just need to hope the trust comes back

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By *utsidenakedMan
over a year ago

Dorchester

Cheating on the trust. Trust is truth, so if you lie your cheating,me and my girl tell each other everything,bad truth is better excepted than a bad lie

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By *r JungleMan
over a year ago

West Bromich

"Believe me we're taking.

I'm past the stages of disbelief and anger stages of shock now anyway.

Personally I'd like to move on and put it down as a learning moment.

We knew there might be risks when we started out on here and it's bitten us.

No need to destroy what came before.

Just need to hope the trust comes back"

Do you honestly think you can ever trust her again?

No matter where she goes or who she meets you'll be questioning her.

And none of this is your fault.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Believe me we're taking.

I'm past the stages of disbelief and anger stages of shock now anyway.

Personally I'd like to move on and put it down as a learning moment.

We knew there might be risks when we started out on here and it's bitten us.

No need to destroy what came before.

Just need to hope the trust comes back"

There shouldn’t be any risk being in swinging. 100% trust and both parties should agree and stick to rules. I have this singles account with full blessing of my wife she didn’t feel comfortable with hers so she deleted it. She’s more comfortable meeting people to play solo with in clubs where she feels safer. If at any point she was happy with me having a singles profile it would be deleted. The same goes for me meeting on my own she sees profiles pics and messages and if she wasn’t happy for me to meet the person I wouldn’t meet. There has to be trust respect and honesty for swinging to work in a relationship

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By *aptainNMermaidCouple
over a year ago

Wellingborough

Trust is everything. It is the most important part of any relationship especially a swingers relationship. I'd feel completely betrayed. Every couple has different boundaries and what they are is irrelevant. That both parties agree and abide by them is all that matters. Frank discussion is the only way you will know if you can move on from this.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

True.

But to be fair moving into the unknown, getting the attention of others, the mix of emotions it could be a risk.

We genuinely are a strong couple right up to the incident....

I feel like an idiot for encouraging the video chat etc etc etc

No excusing it, no way, and the trust is gone.

Is 10 years worth trying to keep, in the hope the trust rebuilds?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don’t understand why you would see that as cheating. She didn’t sleep with anyone or is it because you wanted to have a conversation first about boundaries?"

Because she was intending on having sex with someone without telling him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"True.

But to be fair moving into the unknown, getting the attention of others, the mix of emotions it could be a risk.

We genuinely are a strong couple right up to the incident....

I feel like an idiot for encouraging the video chat etc etc etc

No excusing it, no way, and the trust is gone.

Is 10 years worth trying to keep, in the hope the trust rebuilds?

Only you can answer that. Or the other way of looking at it is, is10 years worth throwing away over 1 mistake. My personal opinion is everyone should have a 2nd chance. Maybe now she knows she went to far is enough to stop it happening again.

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By *rimson_RoseWoman
over a year ago

Tamworth

Really surprised by the responses on here and can't help feeling if it was the other way round there would be lots more how dare he comments.

Setting up a profile behind someone's back is wrong, arranging meets outside of your agreed boundaries is wrong. I get that it's the betrayal of trust not the act - guess the people saying embrace it, accept that she's going to get attention can't see that you need to know people will stick to agreed boundaries and discuss anything they'd like to change.

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By *litterbabeWoman
over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

In my mind the intention to cheat still feels like cheating. I hope that you two manage to have some open conversation and find a way of working together to ensure trust is retained and respected in the future.

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By *gnitemybodyWoman
over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

"I don’t understand why you would see that as cheating. She didn’t sleep with anyone or is it because you wanted to have a conversation first about boundaries?

Intention was there. There was deceit. Emotionally she cheated. Personally I find it hard to forgive and forget. "

I agree.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Put simply, cheating doesn't necessarily signify the end of a relationship. It's tough. And both parties have to want to be together still despite what's happened. Not all couples are strong enough or willing to stay together after cheating. But some can and do. Honest communication is the way forward... and lots of tears probably. All the best op.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thanks all

Every single post is appreciated and opinion valued

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I monogamous relationships it's totally unacceptable. ..but in swingers relationships it's worse cos we have to abide by the rules of u have a partner ...it's obviously easier for us swingers too arrange a sex meet..if rules that u set are broken ...then ..deffo no ...other way around you would be lambasted.....up to u mate ..your life that's my opinion "

Swinger cheats are far worse than non swingers.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Very difficult to give you constructive advise OP, yes it’s possible for relationships to Last after cheating or betrayal, but it really depends on your relationship. As others have said you both need to talk openly and honestly for you to be able to move forward. I wish you all the best OP I hope you guys can work through it.

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By *esparate danMan
over a year ago

glasgow

What a nawty girl

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By *aughtywifeandhimCouple
over a year ago

bedford

Rules Should have been set at start. We swing together and only play solo with each others permission. And that's not very often as more fun together

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don’t understand why you would see that as cheating. She didn’t sleep with anyone or is it because you wanted to have a conversation first about boundaries?"

That is cheating.

His partner has secretly created a account with intentions to meet without her partner aware.

She met 2 men for meets without the knowledge of her partner (what for? Obv isnt a job interview is it)

She also arranged a meet for sex again without her partner knowing.

To me, thats intentional and cheating.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you feel the relationship is worth fighting for, try relationship counselling. We all have sexual desires outside our relationship, we flirt and find others attractive. Sometimes the intent is there, but not the opportunity, sometimes the opportunity, but no intent. We also can be flattered when someone desires us. You have been together for 10 years, don't throw it away, man up and work things out.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I also dont see why swingers cheat? Surely you get enough satisfaction with eachothers permission to enjoy sexual desires outside of your relationship eith jusy eachother?

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By *horecruxCouple
over a year ago

SE4

Don't be mad mate women have faced oppression for so long that once given the chance to have a even playing field they lose all sense of composure

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

The only thing that would upset me is the fact that she invited someone into your home tbh.

I don't consider what she has done to be cheating as such.

You say she enjoyed the attention on your joint profile, maybe she realised that she could times that by 100 if she had her own account, never had any intention to meet anyone then got carried away?

You've got to ask yourself why she would do that....

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By *horecruxCouple
over a year ago

SE4

And yes you can get over it given enough time and understanding

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So why not jointly agree she likes attention and he likes her getting attention, so jointly agree for her to have a solo profile soly for attention and not for meeting behind his back with intentions to have sex.?

"The only thing that would upset me is the fact that she invited someone into your home tbh.

I don't consider what she has done to be cheating as such.

You say she enjoyed the attention on your joint profile, maybe she realised that she could times that by 100 if she had her own account, never had any intention to meet anyone then got carried away?

You've got to ask yourself why she would do that...."

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By *rimson_RoseWoman
over a year ago

Tamworth

"So why not jointly agree she likes attention and he likes her getting attention, so jointly agree for her to have a solo profile soly for attention and not for meeting behind his back with intentions to have sex.?

The only thing that would upset me is the fact that she invited someone into your home tbh.

I don't consider what she has done to be cheating as such.

You say she enjoyed the attention on your joint profile, maybe she realised that she could times that by 100 if she had her own account, never had any intention to meet anyone then got carried away?

You've got to ask yourself why she would do that....

Point being jointly agree. As in not go on ahead and do it without telling him then try to deny it later. That would be the tough part to get past for me, not the fact of her having a profile or not.

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By *esparate danMan
over a year ago

glasgow

Was the couples profile leading to meeting the right guys? Maybe this was a way to give you a nice surprise

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By *oandjohnCouple
over a year ago

South Wales, will travel to Hereford, Worcestershire and Shropshire

We have swung separately and had some fun as a singles.... you just need to be honest with each other..

Perhaps there is something in this type of meet that floats her boat.. as you are a couple it is about both of you living out you fantasy’s not just one person.

Build a bridge and get over it.

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By *weetandHungMan
over a year ago

liverpool

I mean no offence by this OP, has the relationship you have with your wife gone stale, as in not much fun in the bedroom anymore.

Maybe she looking for a new refreshing challenge, or see if it turns you on more.

Its hard i know its happened to me twice.

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By *ootall2920Man
over a year ago

Linlithgow

It sounds like she wanted to get caught. Why else would she create a single account on a website you already use!?

Have a talk, be honest and see where it goes from there.

Every situation and every relationship is different, come to your own conclusion, but ask yourself 'what answer you were hoping for by posting this on this forum?'.

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By *uzz And WoodyCouple
over a year ago

Maidstone

Only you (the OP) can truly answer your question. Regardless of others opinions, do you feel that she has told you the whole truth now? Is she truly remorseful? If she is genuinely sorry for her actions, then don’t bin the past 10 years. Chances are, she knows she fucked up and you now need to have it out straight with her. Make it clear there will be no third chance, whatsoever. She’d be a fool to risk it all again. Don’t dwell on the past, look to the future. You cannot change what has happened, so no point letting it haunt you. It’ll just be a waste of time and energy. Real love stories have no ending. Chin up fella.

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By *rimson_RoseWoman
over a year ago

Tamworth

Just read back the thread in Couples Rules. Hilarious how people saying here so get over it, this isn’t cheating etc stated their rules are openness, honesty, and nothing behind each other’s backs.

If it was the female everyone would be lynching him and saying go it alone.

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By *uzz And WoodyCouple
over a year ago

Maidstone

"Just read back the thread in Couples Rules. Hilarious how people saying here so get over it, this isn’t cheating etc stated their rules are openness, honesty, and nothing behind each other’s backs.

If it was the female everyone would be lynching him and saying go it alone. "

True, because the masses (men) would be all over the woman like a rash. They’ll all be offering their sympathy/revenge services in a heartbeat. Sad but true.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You can rebuild the trust I know from personal experience if you love her and she loves you, and your as strong as you say you can work through it, hope it all works out x (mrs)

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By *rimson_RoseWoman
over a year ago

Tamworth

If it was the female everyone would be lynching him and saying go it alone.

True, because the masses (men) would be all over the woman like a rash. They’ll all be offering their sympathy/revenge services in a heartbeat. Sad but true.

Ed"

True but the woman would be all sisters unite too

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

"Op do you think she did it because she might have thought you did it?"

Your two posts are really odd for me....first that you think deceit is not cheating and now trying to blame the victim for being cheated on

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By *uzz And WoodyCouple
over a year ago

Maidstone

If it was the female everyone would be lynching him and saying go it alone.

True, because the masses (men) would be all over the woman like a rash. They’ll all be offering their sympathy/revenge services in a heartbeat. Sad but true.

True but the woman would be all sisters unite too

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned eh?

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By *ynecplCouple
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

How do you feel about it OP as this threat has show everybody will have a different opinion. where you go from here is your decision and only the pair of you can decide what the future holds for your relationship.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think on this thread and site it's hard to get genuine advice... Some people not seeing inviting somone into your home for sex without permission not a betrayal

Laughing at them not you OP. The best swinging relationships are the ones that last and lots of diffrent people find ways to make it work for them.

For every long term swinging relationship that works... one ends up in the gutter.

We couldn't do it if we didn't have 100% trust

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By *hubaysiWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

If she didn’t have sex then it’s not officially ‘cheating’.

It’s an ‘obstacle’ in your swinging lifestyle and OP you need to speak to her about it and move on from this.

It’s not cheating....

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By *ay19720Man
over a year ago

Ashford kent

"Ok so it turns out Fab changed things, Mrs f enjoyed the attention and behind my back created a singles profile.

This led to 2 meets for coffee, 1 meet with the intention of sex but he didn't turn up.

How many on here would be able to come back from this bomb shell?"

Perhaps she just got court in the fun of it all...u both was obviously looking to spice things up..and if yr d#^k was all she has thought about while with u...and u hers..then u talk of others ..this can trigger a ok to look and think of others...best thing is to talk....as to her dening profile...people rarely admit anything when on the spot...good luck...

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By *ay19720Man
over a year ago

Ashford kent

"If she didn’t have sex then it’s not officially ‘cheating’.

It’s an ‘obstacle’ in your swinging lifestyle and OP you need to speak to her about it and move on from this.

It’s not cheating....

Yeah but he cant get his head round that she would of...mentally she already has..I think that is the ops problem. .that she was going to...she had met for coffe without saying.......a lot of cucks couples enjoy that but op clearly didn't. .....

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By *iReyWoman
over a year ago

Cheshire East

She broke the boundaries you both set and has betrayed you. I'm just going through the same thing myself OP, found out he'd gone behind my back for years even though we met people together and went to clubs. As others have said, maybe it's the thrill of doing something with the danger of getting caught, or that she felt she couldn't be honest with you when you agreed boundaries

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The only thing that would upset me is the fact that she invited someone into your home tbh.

I don't consider what she has done to be cheating as such.

You say she enjoyed the attention on your joint profile, maybe she realised that she could times that by 100 if she had her own account, never had any intention to meet anyone then got carried away?

You've got to ask yourself why she would do that...."

This is the part that would particularly trouble me. It is definitely cheating to set up a singles profile behind your back and interview guys for a play meet, but why not go to a hotel, a club or his. To bring it back to your shared bed implies a deep level of disrespect for your shared life. I’d want to explore the reasons behind that choice.

But, ten years is a lot to throw away. If you think you can save things between you it’s worth exploring.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Deception = cheating. Talking with her is the only way you'll discover if you can come back from this.

Good luck

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

cheat

t?i?t/Submit

verb

gerund or present participle: cheating

act dishonestly

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Once trust is gone it very rarely returns.

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

I do agree that going into swinging is a risk, you really don't know what is going to happen or how you are going to react even if you have discussed bounderies.You have only got to read the fallouts at times on the forum to realise this.

Only you will know the answer to whether you can overcome this as we are all different as to what we would do in that situation. If you do decide to stay then I imagine it will take a long time building up the trust again.

Good luck whatever you decide

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OP, I'm really sorry you're in this situation. It sucks.

But you can't just hope for trust to return- you have to actively work on building/rebuilding it together and you both need to want that to happen. Only each of you will know if you are willing to put in the work, just like in any monogamous relationship.

L x

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By *ackDMissMorganCouple
over a year ago

Halifax

[Removed by poster at 26/09/18 10:49:06]

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By *ackDMissMorganCouple
over a year ago

Halifax

Personally i don't know if i'd be able to get past it.The intention to cheat was there ,I never understand why swinging couples cheat.

Did she admit all this or did you catch her out?that too would influence my decision.

I think all you can do is talk it over and try and see whats caused it .

Good luck op and hope you can get beyond this if you want to.

Missx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ok so it turns out Fab changed things, Mrs f enjoyed the attention and behind my back created a singles profile.

This led to 2 meets for coffee, 1 meet with the intention of sex but he didn't turn up.

How many on here would be able to come back from this bomb shell?"

I would.

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By *hubaysiWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

"If she didn’t have sex then it’s not officially ‘cheating’.

It’s an ‘obstacle’ in your swinging lifestyle and OP you need to speak to her about it and move on from this.

It’s not cheating....

IMO cheating is a physical act and no cheating occurred, however maybe OP should sit down with her, find out exactly why she did what she did and have it all out in the open. Communication is key.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That's harsh and how do you know she hasn't had sex after the coffee you will never know and it's the principle, she has gone behind your back when you two already have a couples profile and she didn't say anything to you about it god luck

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By *etite HandfulWoman
over a year ago

Chester

[Removed by poster at 26/09/18 11:07:22]

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By *etite HandfulWoman
over a year ago

Chester

Not a nice situation OP everyone will have a different viewpoint on this but I would talk to your partner maybe a take a break from swinging and see where your relationship is going or not as its really for the two of you to decide.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A cheater isn’t going to change it’s spots, so have to accept it or move on.

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By *andWCoupleCouple
over a year ago

Luton

"Really surprised by the responses on here and can't help feeling if it was the other way round there would be lots more how dare he comments.

This ... totally. Especially the first paragraph!

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By *ackDMissMorganCouple
over a year ago

Halifax

"If she didn’t have sex then it’s not officially ‘cheating’.

It’s an ‘obstacle’ in your swinging lifestyle and OP you need to speak to her about it and move on from this.

It’s not cheating....

Cheating to us is anything you have to hide from your loved one one ,which she did.

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By *andWCoupleCouple
over a year ago

Luton

"The only thing that would upset me is the fact that she invited someone into your home tbh.

I don't consider what she has done to be cheating as such.

You say she enjoyed the attention on your joint profile, maybe she realised that she could times that by 100 if she had her own account, never had any intention to meet anyone then got carried away?

You've got to ask yourself why she would do that...."

Would you be saying this if the OP was a woman whose husband had meet 2 women and invited one back to their house for sex?

Somehow we doubt it ...

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By *andWCoupleCouple
over a year ago

Luton

If it was the female everyone would be lynching him and saying go it alone. "

Yet again we totally agree. The hypocrisy is amazing!

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By *amissCouple
over a year ago

chelmsford

OP, sorry this has happened to you. It is the deceit and intention that is wrong on her part. We don't know your relationship, but if it were me, I would be doing lots of talking about the future and definitely be coming of this site. Good luck.

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By *irtypair00Couple
over a year ago

Dublin

Without trust as a couple on here you have nothing .

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By *horecruxCouple
over a year ago

SE4

"Without trust as a couple on here you have nothing . "

That's not entirely true... you can have a really good swinging partner who clearly has embraced the fab ethos

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By *irtypair00Couple
over a year ago

Dublin

"Without trust as a couple on here you have nothing .

That's not entirely true... you can have a really good swinging partner who clearly has embraced the fab ethos "

That's not a couple then what you describing are Fuck Buddy's

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By *horecruxCouple
over a year ago

SE4

"Without trust as a couple on here you have nothing .

That's not entirely true... you can have a really good swinging partner who clearly has embraced the fab ethos

That's not a couple then what you describing are Fuck Buddy's

Call it what you will

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The only thing that would upset me is the fact that she invited someone into your home tbh.

I don't consider what she has done to be cheating as such.

You say she enjoyed the attention on your joint profile, maybe she realised that she could times that by 100 if she had her own account, never had any intention to meet anyone then got carried away?

You've got to ask yourself why she would do that....

Would you be saying this if the OP was a woman whose husband had meet 2 women and invited one back to their house for sex?

Somehow we doubt it ..."

Sadly I think you are 100% right on that.

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By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville

[Removed by poster at 26/09/18 12:07:07]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We've both been cheated on and it's pretty devastating so I'd say no. If you blow it then that's it, for me anyway

Sounds like she was fully prepared to cheat with someone else even if she didn't so I'd class that as cheating personally.

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By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville

"Op do you think she did it because she might have thought you did it?

That's hardly relevant is it? It's like playground logic "I think he did it so why shouldn't I do it?"

Wish someone had told my ex this.... as well as the stupid woman who convinced him I couldn't be exclusive with him despite not even knowing me!

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By *hubaysiWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

"If she didn’t have sex then it’s not officially ‘cheating’.

It’s an ‘obstacle’ in your swinging lifestyle and OP you need to speak to her about it and move on from this.

It’s not cheating....

Cheating to us is anything you have to hide from your loved one one ,which she did."

With respect we don’t know the full details do we? I think communication is important when Swinging. Clearly she has done it for a reason which OP needs to know why.

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

"The only thing that would upset me is the fact that she invited someone into your home tbh.

I don't consider what she has done to be cheating as such.

You say she enjoyed the attention on your joint profile, maybe she realised that she could times that by 100 if she had her own account, never had any intention to meet anyone then got carried away?

You've got to ask yourself why she would do that....

Would you be saying this if the OP was a woman whose husband had meet 2 women and invited one back to their house for sex?

Somehow we doubt it ..."

Of course I would, I said in the first sentence that I'd be upset about her planning to meet someone at hers

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By *mber DextrousWoman
over a year ago

Devon

"Our rules were only chat on our joint profile, no meets alone.

She created a profile behind my back, met two guys for coffee, invited one to our home for sex and the only reason it didn't happen is he didn't turn up.

The profile was shown to me by another member here, initially denied.

To me the sex isn't the issue, it's the intention and betrayal of trust.

Personally this would be an absolute deal-breaker, not just for swinging but for the whole relationship as a whole.

I'm with you on this, I find the idea you'd sneak around behind your partner's back to get something you could have got with their blessing ridiculous. It would completely damage my trust and whether they did the deed or not the damage would be done for me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Cheating isn't always about sex.

People cheat because they can,because they want to, because they miss certain intimacies and no matter what you discuss within a relationship something is always going to be missing.

Sometimes it can be a cry for help as the person has exhausted every avenue to plug a gap in their life

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By *ngelina4uWoman
over a year ago

Camberley/Middleton

"Ok so it turns out Fab changed things, Mrs f enjoyed the attention and behind my back created a singles profile.

This led to 2 meets for coffee, 1 meet with the intention of sex but he didn't turn up.

How many on here would be able to come back from this bomb shell?"

Most people cant but you have to be level headed and think what you would lose and also work out if you can get over it as its a decision only you can make.

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By *andWCoupleCouple
over a year ago

Luton

"The only thing that would upset me is the fact that she invited someone into your home tbh.

I don't consider what she has done to be cheating as such.

You say she enjoyed the attention on your joint profile, maybe she realised that she could times that by 100 if she had her own account, never had any intention to meet anyone then got carried away?

You've got to ask yourself why she would do that....

Would you be saying this if the OP was a woman whose husband had meet 2 women and invited one back to their house for sex?

Somehow we doubt it ...

Of course I would, I said in the first sentence that I'd be upset about her planning to meet someone at hers

That doesn't support your assertion that you'd think the same way if the roles were reversed in any way, shape or form.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Our rules were only chat on our joint profile, no meets alone.

She created a profile behind my back, met two guys for coffee, invited one to our home for sex and the only reason it didn't happen is he didn't turn up.

The profile was shown to me by another member here, initially denied.

To me the sex isn't the issue, it's the intention and betrayal of trust."

With you on this. Why keep it a secret?

Making it a secret to me is cheating. If there were no intentions of it progressing why hide it

Trust can be rebuilt but takes time and complete transparency

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Our rules were only chat on our joint profile, no meets alone.

She created a profile behind my back, met two guys for coffee, invited one to our home for sex and the only reason it didn't happen is he didn't turn up.

The profile was shown to me by another member here, initially denied.

To me the sex isn't the issue, it's the intention and betrayal of trust.

Personally this would be an absolute deal-breaker, not just for swinging but for the whole relationship as a whole.

Absolutely agree.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hi there. I'm so sorry, this sounds heart breaking, you both must be in a lot of pain. The reasons for this happening will be complex, I am sure, with no simple answers to your situation.

What I do know is that without making the time and space to completely, openly communicate about this with your partner, one or both of you will be left needing more. So, take the time to see where you both are, what feelings there were around before this happened. Think about couple counselling. Look after each other. Yes, it was cheating, but that is neither a crime nor, in my experience, the whole story.

If you both love each other and want a life together, then all the rest of the shit we all carry around is surmountable.

I would say this for either a man or a woman. These situations are personal, not based on external judgement. Good luck and be kind to yourselves.

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By *adysueandneroCouple
over a year ago

witney

"I don’t understand why you would see that as cheating. She didn’t sleep with anyone or is it because you wanted to have a conversation first about boundaries?"

And women say men have double standards!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ok so it turns out Fab changed things, Mrs f enjoyed the attention and behind my back created a singles profile.

This led to 2 meets for coffee, 1 meet with the intention of sex but he didn't turn up.

How many on here would be able to come back from this bomb shell?"

I don’t know how you come back from this but for me I don’t think I could

It’s deceit

In any relationship you need trust, honesty and communication

It seems she had violated all three

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wouldnt ask a bunch of swingers about this

Many dont give a toss about cheating and you will get a warped view

Ive never cheated and I hate cheats - Id have difficulty ever getting over it x

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By *loswingersCouple
over a year ago

Gloucester

"I wouldnt ask a bunch of swingers about this

Many dont give a toss about cheating and you will get a warped view

Ive never cheated and I hate cheats - Id have difficulty ever getting over it x "

Exactly this

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No one else can really answer that it’s whether you can forgive and forget. Some people do get over it, some don’t. Not sure being here will help resolve it though.

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By *itbit!Man
over a year ago

Bridgend

Interesting

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By *he-Hosiery-GentMan
over a year ago

Older Hot Bearded Guy

"I don’t understand why you would see that as cheating. She didn’t sleep with anyone or is it because you wanted to have a conversation first about boundaries?

Intention was there. There was deceit. Emotionally she cheated. Personally I find it hard to forgive and forget. "

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By *adysueandneroCouple
over a year ago

witney

My ex wife did the same to me and it had a profound and lasting effect on me to the point that I found it really hard to have a relationship with anyone afterwards.

It's all about trust and once you find someone has lied to you it can be difficult trust again.

I was lucky to meet Sue who has been very patient and understanding and we now have a fantastic relationship.

I would never tell anyone what to do in this situation, but for me it would not be possable to forgive and forget.

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By *adysueandneroCouple
over a year ago

witney

"I don’t understand why you would see that as cheating. She didn’t sleep with anyone or is it because you wanted to have a conversation first about boundaries?the only reason she didn't cheat was because he didn't show up... that's just as well cheating"

We only have her word on that. If you can believe the word of a cheater that is.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don’t understand why you would see that as cheating. She didn’t sleep with anyone or is it because you wanted to have a conversation first about boundaries?

Intention was there. There was deceit. Emotionally she cheated. Personally I find it hard to forgive and forget. "

this is my answer too

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don’t understand why you would see that as cheating. She didn’t sleep with anyone or is it because you wanted to have a conversation first about boundaries?

Very true x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My first wife had multiple partners behind my back, left me with our two small children to raise as a single parent, there's no forgiving or as one poster suggested 'embracing' that.

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

"The only thing that would upset me is the fact that she invited someone into your home tbh.

I don't consider what she has done to be cheating as such.

You say she enjoyed the attention on your joint profile, maybe she realised that she could times that by 100 if she had her own account, never had any intention to meet anyone then got carried away?

You've got to ask yourself why she would do that....

Would you be saying this if the OP was a woman whose husband had meet 2 women and invited one back to their house for sex?

Somehow we doubt it ...

Of course I would, I said in the first sentence that I'd be upset about her planning to meet someone at hers

That doesn't support your assertion that you'd think the same way if the roles were reversed in any way, shape or form.

If it was the lady posting that her hubby had invited someone over, I'd feel the same ~ yes! Is that what you mean? If I was said lady I'd rather like it although if she was hot I would of preferred an invite to.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A cheater isn’t going to change it’s spots, so have to accept it or move on."

That’s is utter rubbish. I cheated over 20 years ago but never since.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Once the trust is gone whats the point? Get her to fuck mate who knows what els shes done behind your back

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

If nothing else this thread really does show there is no agreement and everyone would deal with it differently.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How are you gonna deal with it op?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Lets be honest.

Shes cheating. Probably has done more than shes told you about too.

Once that trust has gone you will never get it back and all ypu are doing is lineing yourself up for constant mistrust and lowering of your own self esteam.

If she really cared about you she wouldnt have been arranging to meet others alone when you have agreed that is not what you want to do.

Your call but i would save leave her and save yourself the the future misery

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Lets be honest.

Shes cheating. Probably has done more than shes told you about too.

Once that trust has gone you will never get it back and all ypu are doing is lineing yourself up for constant mistrust and lowering of your own self esteam.

If she really cared about you she wouldnt have been arranging to meet others alone when you have agreed that is not what you want to do.

Your call but i would save leave her and save yourself the the future misery"

Totally hear you and respect your opinion

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I want to write to you OP on a personal level via PM but couldn't so I'll write it down here.

A couple of months before our wedding day I found out Mr had cheated on me multiple times with multiple partners. It was devestating. I cried a lot, I asked far more questions it turns out from the beginning of our relationship he had never really been "loyal" he slept with other women whilst I was pregnant the whole shebang! I was devastated.

But we talked, a lot, we both cried a lot. We still got married. I did learn to trust him again. It took a lot of hard work and communication to get past it, but we did. We came through the other side with a lot more open and honesty towards eachother a feelings and wants and needs. Things we could both improve on that perhaps caused the breakdown of the relationship. So here we are today on here with full trust in one another, it's taken time but it's there now.

I suppose what I'm trying it say is you can get past it but it's not an easy road, there are a lot of emotions to explore and don't be overly surprised if blame is found on both sides. If you both want it to work again, you can.

Good luck OP.

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By *.D.I.D.A.SMan
over a year ago

London/Essex... ish... Romford to be exact

"If nothing else this thread really does show there is no agreement and everyone would deal with it differently.

Expectedly too. We don't know her character besides this. We don't know how strong the rest of their relationship was. We don't know the OP's tolerance levels. A fellow Fabber had the same happen to him and asked what I would do. He did the opposite and stayed with her and now they are happy swinging together. Sometimes people have their minds already made up and just want affirmation that their decision is correct and that there is hope left. Just part of being human I guess.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You won't be able to. That's my opinion from personal experience. This lifestyle is a f***er once the trust has gone X

If you feel that you can make a go if it, couples therapy could help

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Lets be honest.

Shes cheating. Probably has done more than shes told you about too.

Once that trust has gone you will never get it back and all ypu are doing is lineing yourself up for constant mistrust and lowering of your own self esteam.

If she really cared about you she wouldnt have been arranging to meet others alone when you have agreed that is not what you want to do.

Your call but i would save leave her and save yourself the the future misery"

Probably the best advice based on what the op has said. So sad to read so much hurt.

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By *egin551Couple
over a year ago

south west !

Hi guys

From our point of view, trust and communication is the key to a successful relationship in this lifestyle, you said your Wife set up a single profile and met without your knowledge, that’s a clear betrayal of trust.

We feel for you OP take a break to gather your head together, talk to your wife and hopefully you will move forward,

The first thing you have to do is, take a break from this lifestyle and work it out in the vanilla world before / if you come back to swinging.

All the best

K and M

Good night to everyone else

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By *riefcase_WankerMan
over a year ago

Milton Keynes

"If she didn’t have sex then it’s not officially ‘cheating’.

It’s an ‘obstacle’ in your swinging lifestyle and OP you need to speak to her about it and move on from this.

It’s not cheating....

IMO cheating is a physical act and no cheating occurred, however maybe OP should sit down with her, find out exactly why she did what she did and have it all out in the open. Communication is key. "

I think cheating can be an emotional, not just physical act, and that possibly it's an even worse betrayal...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

For me posting this for the entire forum to read is gross.

Everyone has an opinion.

Do you love her???? Visa versa?

Discuss away from here.

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By *xMFM3sumsxxWoman
over a year ago

SouthWest Lancashire

True. Once the trust is gone, it's gone.

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By *.D.I.D.A.SMan
over a year ago

London/Essex... ish... Romford to be exact

"For me posting this for the entire forum to read is gross.

Everyone has an opinion.

Do you love her???? Visa versa?

Discuss away from here."

He is asking for the persepctive of others and their views. Can't see what is so offensive about that. Not like he is naming her. Don't like, don't view. Quite simple right?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hi guys

We feel for you OP take a break to gather your head together, talk to your wife and hopefully you will move forward,

The first thing you have to do is, take a break from this lifestyle and work it out in the vanilla world before / if you come back to swinging.

All the best

K and M

Good night to everyone else

Thoughtful reply and great advice. This type of answer is why I love the forums.

Miss V

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thanks all.

I'd love to try and answer every single post but I just wouldn't have the time.

To summaries our relationship has always been strong, open and honest.

I've no reason to believe that anything like this has happened before.

The perfect storm of all the new found attention on here, the boredom of being left alone 11 of of 15 weeks over the summer through my work and a few other things set the scene for what can only be described as an inexcusable act of betrayal.

I'll never forgive her for the lack of respect and consideration for my feelings shown at this point, but does it mean I can't trust her again once she proves herself?

Does it mean we can't fix the root causes and have another happy 10 years?

To see the sense of loss and panic on her face when she thought she'd thrown it all away, for her to know that if there's a second chance there can never be a third, for her to know that if I'm lied to again ever she will be packing her bag, that to me that's enough to try.

And for me I've been her before, 12 years ago. Almost exactly the same thing with my ex, the difference there I didn't feel remotely like granting as second chance.... That was a relief.

Things will change here, I'll not be the same trusting person, I'll be checking up on her more, wanting to know where she is, etc etc, she's going to have to live with that, hopefully that won't eventually make her wish she hadn't stayed.

Those things are unavoidable and it may still all come tumbling down.

All I know is not once through what I can only describe as the worst week of my life did I love her any less than the day we got married.

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

It would depend on the quality and nature of the relationship as well as what you both agree for future. Can you view it as an opportunity or mainly a problem?

I'm willing to learn and put things behind me

You're both a part of the process, so look at how you both can contribute differently in future.

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By *.H.SMan
over a year ago

London

cheating n of the hardest things to deal with been on both sides....cant stop want someone wants to do guess you have to not make them have those thoughts in the 1st place be a man and do your job or else someone will do gladly....

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By *pertureTV/TS
over a year ago

New Ferry, wirral in stockings and sussies

everyone deserves a second chance, she may of thought it was ok a long talk and ground rules might be a starting point.

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By *esparate danMan
over a year ago

glasgow

Had you discussed the impact on her of being alone for 3 months?

The way i read OPs latest post is that the extra fun was maybe mostly for your benefit ..someone to play with in addition to your wife ?

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By *orth_hantscplCouple
over a year ago

camberley

I have every sympathy with the OP but can’t believe nobody’s mentioned the time waster bloke who didn’t turn up. Giving single guys a bad name...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ask her her thoughts if the situation was flipped

You made a single profile and you met 2 fems behind her back?

Folk sticking up for the fem is totally double standards on here as everyone knows the crap that guys get on here for cheating!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ok so it turns out Fab changed things, Mrs f enjoyed the attention and behind my back created a singles profile.

This led to 2 meets for coffee, 1 meet with the intention of sex but he didn't turn up.

How many on here would be able to come back from this bomb shell?"

You don’t mention if you love her or not? I was cheated on without being in any swinging relationship, at the start I would have liked to have been given the option to continue. Unfortunately she made the decision to go with the other guy.

So can we forgive is the question? Think it depends on how you feel about the lady?

Your already in an open relationship, as you swing? So it’s not the thought of someone having sex with her? So is it the deceit? So if you talk and maybe she was looking for. One-on-one? Would this be something your open to?

Think the key thing is talk, then decide.

Also don’t listen to us, it’s totaly your decision.

Good luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Has she explained why she felt the need to have a single profile ? "

If this was the other way round, he'd be a evil cheating bastard for breaking the ground rules but because it was the woman, free pass.. many of you know I'm right

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By *izzy.Woman
over a year ago

Stoke area

"Thanks all.

I'd love to try and answer every single post but I just wouldn't have the time.

To summaries our relationship has always been strong, open and honest.

I've no reason to believe that anything like this has happened before.

I'll never forgive her for the lack of respect and consideration for my feelings shown at this point, but does it mean I can't trust her again once she proves herself?

Does it mean we can't fix the root causes and have another happy 10 years?

And for me I've been her before, 12 years ago. Almost exactly the same thing with my ex, the difference there I didn't feel remotely like granting as second chance.... That was a relief.

Those things are unavoidable and it may still all come tumbling down.

All I know is not once through what I can only describe as the worst week of my life did I love her any less than the day we got married."

Having read through the entire post, people do have differing opinions. I was devastated when my fiance arranged to meet a girl without my knowledge and I ended our relationship, as he didn't see any problem with arranging things behind my back.

It sounds like you and your wife have a strong relationship. She got swept away with the attention as you were seldom there.

Only you can decide the way forward, but I hope that with time you can learn to trust her again and both of you spend time talking things through. I hope you can work through this, but it will take a long time for you to get over this.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ask her her thoughts if the situation was flipped

You made a single profile and you met 2 fems behind her back?

Folk sticking up for the fem is totally double standards on here as everyone knows the crap that guys get on here for cheating!"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Had you discussed the impact on her of being alone for 3 months?

The way i read OPs latest post is that the extra fun was maybe mostly for your benefit ..someone to play with in addition to your wife ?

It most definitely wasn't the case I can assure you

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"everyone deserves a second chance, she may of thought it was ok a long talk and ground rules might be a starting point.

The ground rules were clear before we joined fan and were never unclear. Never.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I really really hope you work this out OP.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Cheating for me is unforgivable. I have been cheated on and it was very painful.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don’t understand why you would see that as cheating. She didn’t sleep with anyone or is it because you wanted to have a conversation first about boundaries?

Intention was there. There was deceit. Emotionally she cheated. Personally I find it hard to forgive and forget. "

The intention and thoughts to me are often the most hurtful than the act! The emotional cheating is the worst element of cheating

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Has she explained why she felt the need to have a single profile ?

If this was the other way round, he'd be a evil cheating bastard for breaking the ground rules but because it was the woman, free pass.. many of you know I'm right"

Yes same rules apply what’s good for the goose is good for the gander!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sorry. For me it would be a deal breaker. It has been a deal breaker in the past. I don't think I would be able to trust her again.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Deal breaker for us, sorry but in our opinion she is a cheat. Talk it through and try to move on or split, we would always recommend option 1 first.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My penneth worth is grass is always greener on the other side and some blokes would love to be in your shoes if she is a hot desirable wife.

Don't be quite so judgemental and think of all the permutations of fun you have unlocked if you just hold your nerve and try to be a bit more understanding.

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By *mcouple123Couple
over a year ago

Somerset

I feel like I saw this exact message more than 3 days ago. Have you wrote about this before?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Cheating is cheating. Simple as that.

If that had happened to me then the trust is gone. I wouldn’t be able to trust them again.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thanks all

Every single post is appreciated and opinion valued"

I really don’t think it’s worth throwing away your relationship for. Not every couples’ swinging path is smooth and in some ways once you have opened your bed to others it ‘can’ make infidelity not seem quite as unforgivable. Not that I’m making excuses for her but perhaps that happened to her.

Either way; give her another chance and keep the dialogue with her open. Encourage her to tell you when she’s tempted again and discuss it x

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By *.D.I.D.A.SMan
over a year ago

London/Essex... ish... Romford to be exact

This is obviously a very subjective thing. Only OP can know what he will decide as we all know what we would in his shoes. There is no right or wrong.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ok so it turns out Fab changed things, Mrs f enjoyed the attention and behind my back created a singles profile.

This led to 2 meets for coffee, 1 meet with the intention of sex but he didn't turn up.

How many on here would be able to come back from this bomb shell?"
I took my ex back but he did it again and again.

You can get back from it but only if both want to. I never get why he cheated as all he had to do was be honest and safe.. that's all I actually asked.

Good luck to you.

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham

"Intention was there. There was deceit. Emotionally she cheated. Personally I find it hard to forgive and forget. "

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By *olden_Road_to_SamarkandMan
over a year ago

London & North Wessex Downs

Talk to her and rebuild.

This is an unusual site...and unusual things happen.

It's probably not worth sacrificing your marriage for something that could have happened but didn't.

Good luck and God bless!