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A single males first experience of a club

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

After going to several clubs as a couple with my ex, I went to my first club as a single guy last night. I picked wisely. A very friendly and nice club I'd liked from before... for a soft landing. Having been on the other side of the equation, I also went with zero expectations of play... literally just to socialise and enjoy others company. Readers should be aware that I'm not really into clubs. So I didn't even venture into the playrooms. Nor did I in any way push to have any kind of sexual encounter. I just went to socialise and party. So this post won't cover any of that kind of stuff.

So how was the experience?

Firstly I've got to say everyone was super friendly and nice to me. I picked wisely. But I'd hazard a guess that most swinging clubs are similarly friendly environments. People are just there to have fun. If you're friendly and vanilla then nobody is going to have a go at you for anything. A couple of times I chatted to women who had been abandoned by partners. When they returned there was never any animosity. But that was probably because I was immediately inclusive of them too and not trying to be sexual.

Perhaps I lucked out but I never once felt my attention was unwelcome. There were women who evaded eye contact with me and that told me not to approach them. Which I'm totally fine with. Why chat to someone who's not into you when someone else is? Remember also that my attention wasn't pushy or sexual. So that maybe why nobody had a problem talking to me.

There's no doubt about it that entering a room full of couples is utterly daunting. They're all deep in conversation with each other and no matter where you look it seems the only way to chat to someone is to rudely butt in. My solution to this was to warm up by chatting to all the other single guys there. I'm as straight as it gets... and I'm guessing some of the guys weren't... but they never misconstrued my chatting with them as expressing sexual interest. Perhaps again as I wasn't acting that way.

This was a good ploy for getting over approach anxiety that I got off pick up videos. Chat to anyone... even the person behind the bar. Just get in a chatty mood and build from there. Later in the night, more relaxed in a room with people who weren't all strangers now, situations began to occur where I felt I could approach couples. Maybe they looked at me and that eye contact gave me a way in or maybe I just felt emboldened, they looked friendly and weren't deeply engrossed in each other, so I just plonked myself down next to them. In most cases I focused on the guy first. To be honest that's purely because I'm still a bit shy about chatting to beautiful female strangers. But it seemed to work well. I never once retreated off into a corner to hide. Even when I was an utter lemon standing by myself I just tried to relax and maybe see if anyone was open to me joining their conversation. The key with these things is not to be too hard on yourself and don't let that niggly "oh my god you're standing alone no one wants to talk to you" negativity get to you. The moment will pass if you look for a way out. Similarly, if you feel like sitting down... sit down near a bunch of people. Somewhere where it wouldn't be too odd if you eventually joined the discussion. All this might be obvious to some guys. But it's not always obvious and it's often easier said than done.

When it comes down to it my view of the best approach of the single male at a club is that they are merely there, socialising, and available. I don't think you need to be overtly sexual, although others may disagree. I think it's enough that you're friendly, attractive, and available. This kind of no pressure approach allows anyone who's interested in you to come over and pick you off the shelf. Towards the end of my time in the club I was getting looks from a few couples which suggested an attraction. But I had to leave early (1:30 am) and was quite happy not to explore that. Indeed, as I left it looked like I was heading to a playroom and one of those couples followed me. So perhaps they were a bit disappointed when I exited instead.

All in all... these places are friendly relaxed places. So, even though you may be shy or suffer from approach anxiety, they're great places to try and overcome those things and just chat to people. They are really daunting and scary for a guy who is not used to mingling in social situations with couples. But they're also a friendly place to try and overcome that scariness. There's no need to be overtly sexual and suggestive of that. Your mere presence there is suggestive enough.

If nothing comes from it don't get neurotic about it. Any networking event can be a dud or great. So just keep going back. One day you'll catch someone's eye. I don't think I did particularly well. There were lots of really attractive women there who I just didn't have the balls to talk to. So there's definite room for improvement on my side. But I'm proud that I went and I didn't just hide in a corner. I'm glad I pushed myself.

Personally, from a dating point of view, I think clubs do me no favours whatsoever. I'm not enough interested in swinging for that to be a common ground to chat about. This rids me of the small talk element which is so useful in approaching strangers. If I was out dancing I could dance with them. If I was at a class I could share my views with them. These situations give me massive aids with which to approach even the most beautiful women and strike up a more interesting dynamic which, for me, is lacking in clubs. But that's only because I'm not really a swinger.

With this in mind, there is no doubt about it... the most successful single men at these clubs are the characterful party men. I'm a quieter slightly shy man compared to that. But I'm a fairly cool nice guy who's confident enough to mix and be social so I suspect if I just kept on going back and got to know some regulars I'd relax into it more and could become a bit more gregarious and emboldened amongst friends.

I guess this is a thread where other single guys can post their views and advice on going to a club. This was purely my point of view. I hope it's been helpful to someone out there Good luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OK, I know you were aiming at single guy views here but as the female of a couple the approach you've said is really a fab (!) way to do it! We love the social side, and it's a turn off if the single guys are trailing you around the club, that makes it really uncomfortable, especially as a woman. If it looks like someone is not needy, comfortable with themselves and can hold their own ON their own, for me it's a much more attractive trait. Keep on keeping on!!

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By *0tt0nSu3Woman
over a year ago

London


"After going to several clubs as a couple with my ex, I went to my first club as a single guy last night. I picked wisely. A very friendly and nice club I'd liked from before... for a soft landing. Having been on the other side of the equation, I also went with zero expectations of play... literally just to socialise and enjoy others company. Readers should be aware that I'm not really into clubs. So I didn't even venture into the playrooms. Nor did I in any way push to have any kind of sexual encounter. I just went to socialise and party. So this post won't cover any of that kind of stuff.

So how was the experience?

Firstly I've got to say everyone was super friendly and nice to me. I picked wisely. But I'd hazard a guess that most swinging clubs are similarly friendly environments. People are just there to have fun. If you're friendly and vanilla then nobody is going to have a go at you for anything. A couple of times I chatted to women who had been abandoned by partners. When they returned there was never any animosity. But that was probably because I was immediately inclusive of them too and not trying to be sexual.

Perhaps I lucked out but I never once felt my attention was unwelcome. There were women who evaded eye contact with me and that told me not to approach them. Which I'm totally fine with. Why chat to someone who's not into you when someone else is? Remember also that my attention wasn't pushy or sexual. So that maybe why nobody had a problem talking to me.

There's no doubt about it that entering a room full of couples is utterly daunting. They're all deep in conversation with each other and no matter where you look it seems the only way to chat to someone is to rudely butt in. My solution to this was to warm up by chatting to all the other single guys there. I'm as straight as it gets... and I'm guessing some of the guys weren't... but they never misconstrued my chatting with them as expressing sexual interest. Perhaps again as I wasn't acting that way.

This was a good ploy for getting over approach anxiety that I got off pick up videos. Chat to anyone... even the person behind the bar. Just get in a chatty mood and build from there. Later in the night, more relaxed in a room with people who weren't all strangers now, situations began to occur where I felt I could approach couples. Maybe they looked at me and that eye contact gave me a way in or maybe I just felt emboldened, they looked friendly and weren't deeply engrossed in each other, so I just plonked myself down next to them. In most cases I focused on the guy first. To be honest that's purely because I'm still a bit shy about chatting to beautiful female strangers. But it seemed to work well. I never once retreated off into a corner to hide. Even when I was an utter lemon standing by myself I just tried to relax and maybe see if anyone was open to me joining their conversation. The key with these things is not to be too hard on yourself and don't let that niggly "oh my god you're standing alone no one wants to talk to you" negativity get to you. The moment will pass if you look for a way out. Similarly, if you feel like sitting down... sit down near a bunch of people. Somewhere where it wouldn't be too odd if you eventually joined the discussion. All this might be obvious to some guys. But it's not always obvious and it's often easier said than done.

When it comes down to it my view of the best approach of the single male at a club is that they are merely there, socialising, and available. I don't think you need to be overtly sexual, although others may disagree. I think it's enough that you're friendly, attractive, and available. This kind of no pressure approach allows anyone who's interested in you to come over and pick you off the shelf. Towards the end of my time in the club I was getting looks from a few couples which suggested an attraction. But I had to leave early (1:30 am) and was quite happy not to explore that. Indeed, as I left it looked like I was heading to a playroom and one of those couples followed me. So perhaps they were a bit disappointed when I exited instead.

All in all... these places are friendly relaxed places. So, even though you may be shy or suffer from approach anxiety, they're great places to try and overcome those things and just chat to people. They are really daunting and scary for a guy who is not used to mingling in social situations with couples. But they're also a friendly place to try and overcome that scariness. There's no need to be overtly sexual and suggestive of that. Your mere presence there is suggestive enough.

If nothing comes from it don't get neurotic about it. Any networking event can be a dud or great. So just keep going back. One day you'll catch someone's eye. I don't think I did particularly well. There were lots of really attractive women there who I just didn't have the balls to talk to. So there's definite room for improvement on my side. But I'm proud that I went and I didn't just hide in a corner. I'm glad I pushed myself.

Personally, from a dating point of view, I think clubs do me no favours whatsoever. I'm not enough interested in swinging for that to be a common ground to chat about. This rids me of the small talk element which is so useful in approaching strangers. If I was out dancing I could dance with them. If I was at a class I could share my views with them. These situations give me massive aids with which to approach even the most beautiful women and strike up a more interesting dynamic which, for me, is lacking in clubs. But that's only because I'm not really a swinger.

With this in mind, there is no doubt about it... the most successful single men at these clubs are the characterful party men. I'm a quieter slightly shy man compared to that. But I'm a fairly cool nice guy who's confident enough to mix and be social so I suspect if I just kept on going back and got to know some regulars I'd relax into it more and could become a bit more gregarious and emboldened amongst friends.

I guess this is a thread where other single guys can post their views and advice on going to a club. This was purely my point of view. I hope it's been helpful to someone out there Good luck "

As a woman who does go to the odd club, it was wonderful to read observations from a male point of view. It was very enlightening and it was appreciated.

Seeing the same situation from a different point of view such as going over to chat to other single men made me realise that men as well as women can be nervous human beings. I will say that nowadays when I see men huddled together in conversation in a corner, I would assume that they were looking for aggressive tactics on how to chase and hunt down women, which now in hindsight could be rather stereotypical. I would not really have crossed my mind that there maybe a confidence boosting moment. Stereotypes are made to be broken, and I will say that this one was shattered quite effectively by your post.

Thank you once again, and to all those men out there please keep posting your experiences. It is most helpful.

Well, I found it helpful...

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"OK, I know you were aiming at single guy views here but as the female of a couple the approach you've said is really a fab (!) way to do it! We love the social side, and it's a turn off if the single guys are trailing you around the club, that makes it really uncomfortable, especially as a woman. If it looks like someone is not needy, comfortable with themselves and can hold their own ON their own, for me it's a much more attractive trait. Keep on keeping on!!

"

Awww thanks for this guys I can see why you get followed But you're absolutely right. It's very unattractive

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"As a woman who does go to the odd club, it was wonderful to read observations from a male point of view. It was very enlightening and it was appreciated.

Seeing the same situation from a different point of view such as going over to chat to other single men made me realise that men as well as women can be nervous human beings. I will say that nowadays when I see men huddled together in conversation in a corner, I would assume that they were looking for aggressive tactics on how to chase and hunt down women, which now in hindsight could be rather stereotypical. I would not really have crossed my mind that there maybe a confidence boosting moment. Stereotypes are made to be broken, and I will say that this one was shattered quite effectively by your post.

Thank you once again, and to all those men out there please keep posting your experiences. It is most helpful.

Well, I found it helpful..."

I'm glad it was insightful for you. Us guys aren't always hard armour plated dudes. We're pretty soft bellied underneath... as you'll know if you've ever been in a long term relationship with one. Few guys don't suffer from anxiety in approaching beautiful female strangers. Some will pretend they don't just to look cool. But the fact is that for most guys it really raises the pulse and often blanks their mind so they can't think of anything to talk about. Unfortunately this effect only seems to worsen the more attractive one finds the woman... Thanks biology for fucking up my chances! But it's something guys can overcome by building confidence. Clubs could be a great place to get some of that practice in imo

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This has been a very insightful read as there was stuff here that do reflect on some of my experiences at Cupids including sitting on my own somewhere letting my anxiety make my mind go blank when wanting to talk to someone.

I will use some of what I've read here and hopefully I will have better experiences

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Such a brilliant post. Honest and open, you've inspired me to finally go to a club on my own.

Thank you OP

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just out of interest OP, why didn't you have the balls to approach an attractive woman? Did you approach only unattractive women then?

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By *ast_jjMan
over a year ago

Dublin and London

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Such a brilliant post. Honest and open, you've inspired me to finally go to a club on my own.

Thank you OP"

Brilliant! That's made my day to know my ramblings have helped in some way. Just be a polite respectful alluring addition to the night and I'm sure you'll have a great time. Good luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Loved this post.

My experience was great as a single guy. I chatted to whoever chatted to me, met some wonderful people and had a great time. I think it's easy to tell if someone is interested or not a smile and a compliment to a woman/couple is enough to spark something if there is anything there, if there isn't you may have just boosted their confidence with a very small act. I suppose it's the same as normal clubbing really desperation is not an attractive trait.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Just out of interest OP, why didn't you have the balls to approach an attractive woman? Did you approach only unattractive women then? "

Haha a nice bit of stirring here I did talk to some lovely attractive women... one even sent me a veri yay! But there were lots of others who I was too daunted by.

Why are guys daunted by attractive women? I can see why such a woman might think "but I'm totally harmless what's the problem?" I think one video on YouTube said it well that it's got something to do with not wanting to fuck up. The guy sees a woman he's very attracted to and he's immediately under much more pressure to not fuck it up. The more attracted he is to her the more utterly constipated by fear of failure he can get. The fear dissipates the moment the conversation opens up. But guys can often stand mute and dumb, their heads swimming with reasons why they shouldn't try talking to the woman. I'll be honest... I still get that quite bad. But I'm trying my best to confront and overcome it.

In general people would prefer never to try and to imagine they would've succeded if they had... than to try and fail and face the reality of that

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Just out of interest OP, why didn't you have the balls to approach an attractive woman? Did you approach only unattractive women then?

Haha a nice bit of stirring here I did talk to some lovely attractive women... one even sent me a veri yay! But there were lots of others who I was too daunted by.

Why are guys daunted by attractive women? I can see why such a woman might think "but I'm totally harmless what's the problem?" I think one video on YouTube said it well that it's got something to do with not wanting to fuck up. The guy sees a woman he's very attracted to and he's immediately under much more pressure to not fuck it up. The more attracted he is to her the more utterly constipated by fear of failure he can get. The fear dissipates the moment the conversation opens up. But guys can often stand mute and dumb, their heads swimming with reasons why they shouldn't try talking to the woman. I'll be honest... I still get that quite bad. But I'm trying my best to confront and overcome it.

In general people would prefer never to try and to imagine they would've succeded if they had... than to try and fail and face the reality of that "

I find that rather sad.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"In general people would prefer never to try and to imagine they would've succeded if they had... than to try and fail and face the reality of that

I find that rather sad. "

If you're referring to this last paragraph I completely agree. That's why I'm not only a big dreamer but a big doer always challenging and pushing myself beyond my comfort zone. But it is scary being faced with your actual limitations sometimes and having to contend with the possibility that, all things said and done, you're a bit mediocre. No one wants to know that. They'd rather dream they could've been great if they'd tried

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Very intelligent and articulate approach to descriping your experience, OP. Good read, very informative and reassuring! Cheers

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By *r FuckableMan
over a year ago

Stoke

Well I'm off to Atlantis this Friday for my first ever alone visit. I'm on the same page as you, and expect nothing so thanks for the read. I'm going for the experience and hopefully to meet some new friends as I hope to become a regular.

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By *abioMan
over a year ago

Newcastle and Gateshead

So basically go with an open mind and no expectations, talk to people and don’t be a tit!

Does that about cover it!!!

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By *earboynottinghamMan
over a year ago

Nottingham

Cheers for taking the time to post that dude.

Seems like a massive waste of time to me but hopefully it’ll be worth it for you though.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"So basically go with an open mind and no expectations, talk to people and don’t be a tit!

Does that about cover it!!! "

In the same way that "War and Peace" was about a bunch of people enduring good times and bad... yes

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By *uck dodgersMan
over a year ago

waterford

Any advice for a newbie male getting his first meet on fab ?

Cheers

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By *0tt0nSu3Woman
over a year ago

London

[Removed by poster at 26/06/18 19:00:39]

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By *0tt0nSu3Woman
over a year ago

London


"Any advice for a newbie male getting his first meet on fab ?

Cheers "

I would have said go to a club. If there is a club within traveling distance....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

100% spot on!

Guys... take this advice, it will gain you lots of brownie points if your not acting a cock.... respect both men and women as equals, and interact with both accordingly.

This is how I first started out, and have made several good friends through this method.

Well done OP

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By *oiluvfunMan
over a year ago

Penrith

Thank you OP, for taking the time to post this! I'm sure many blokes will refer back to this thread in times to come, and take some positive thoughts about the club scene from it. Regular forum readers will probably know of my 'single guy in a club experience', and have their own views about what I've said in the past. The point you made about people evading eye contact certainly rings true with me, and the word 'stereotype' used above referring to groups of single guys huddled together in corners, discussing who knows what, was disappointing. Single guys tend to 'herd' together because nobody else makes the effort to talk to them Hopefully open discussion like this will go some way towards making the scene inclusive, and enjoyable, for everyone, all the time, not just party events

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By *izzy.Woman
over a year ago

Stoke area

Great post. I was at a club recently and I guy that I hadn't set eyes on before came up to me and asked if I wanted to go upstairs. I said I didn't. He hen replied that he would give me a nice massage.

Maybe smiling, and telling me his name would have been a better start. Some men can be very pushy.

Just a pleasant chatty conversation with anyone and everyone is the best approach.

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By *essle_guyMan
over a year ago

hull

Thank you OP

I'm going to my first club tonight. I find it hard to make first contact, but will aim not to be as shy tonight, as if it goes well, the rewards could be more enjoyable.

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