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"This is a common problem for many people, not just those with Asperger's. It's a bit like premature ejaculation, the more you dwell on what you are experiencing the more it is likely to be self-fulfilling prophecy. If you can, try and build up to introducing yourself. Go along with the intention of just being there and not introducing yourself, rather than anticipating the fear of introducing yourself. Be open to responding if someone speaks to you. The next time you go just say hello to someone you saw there the last time. Small steps. Good luck. " I do try to pluck up the strength but if someone is already talking to someone, I don't bother as I feel like I would be butting in on their conversation. I'll be happy to respond but hardly anyone I've never met says anything to me or even acknowledges that I'm there. | |||
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"I used to be chronically shy and introverted - still am an introvert to a certain extent but no longer shy - I can talk to anyone, whether they want to listen though is another matter... what I would like to know though, is why put yourself through it if you find it excruciating? " Because I would feel that if I don't go to the club, I would be shutting myself away from the social pipeline. Going out to make new friends has been the only thing that has kept me going over the past year and a half. | |||
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"I used to be chronically shy and introverted - still am an introvert to a certain extent but no longer shy - I can talk to anyone, whether they want to listen though is another matter... what I would like to know though, is why put yourself through it if you find it excruciating? Because I would feel that if I don't go to the club, I would be shutting myself away from the social pipeline. Going out to make new friends has been the only thing that has kept me going over the past year and a half." Keep going (it’s not really that easy for us without Aspengers either) .... you will eventually adapt and plough upwards and onwards  | |||
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"I used to be chronically shy and introverted - still am an introvert to a certain extent but no longer shy - I can talk to anyone, whether they want to listen though is another matter... what I would like to know though, is why put yourself through it if you find it excruciating? Because I would feel that if I don't go to the club, I would be shutting myself away from the social pipeline. Going out to make new friends has been the only thing that has kept me going over the past year and a half. Keep going (it’s not really that easy for us without Aspengers either) .... you will eventually adapt and plough upwards and onwards "I have no problems going during the day as its usually quiet at the club I go to on a Tuesday but on the past few evening visits over the past few months, they were a problem for me as they were pretty busy and there was no one I know to keep me company. | |||
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"I used to be chronically shy and introverted - still am an introvert to a certain extent but no longer shy - I can talk to anyone, whether they want to listen though is another matter... what I would like to know though, is why put yourself through it if you find it excruciating? Because I would feel that if I don't go to the club, I would be shutting myself away from the social pipeline. Going out to make new friends has been the only thing that has kept me going over the past year and a half. Keep going (it’s not really that easy for us without Aspengers either) .... you will eventually adapt and plough upwards and onwards
I have no problems going during the day as its usually quiet at the club I go to on a Tuesday but on the past few evening visits over the past few months, they were a problem for me as they were pretty busy and there was no one I know to keep me company."Don’t go full on then, use the Forums, find buddies (wherever) and go from there mate... easy and small steps will hopefully get you further in the long run matey | |||
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"I used to be chronically shy and introverted - still am an introvert to a certain extent but no longer shy - I can talk to anyone, whether they want to listen though is another matter... what I would like to know though, is why put yourself through it if you find it excruciating? Because I would feel that if I don't go to the club, I would be shutting myself away from the social pipeline. Going out to make new friends has been the only thing that has kept me going over the past year and a half. Keep going (it’s not really that easy for us without Aspengers either) .... you will eventually adapt and plough upwards and onwards
I have no problems going during the day as its usually quiet at the club I go to on a Tuesday but on the past few evening visits over the past few months, they were a problem for me as they were pretty busy and there was no one I know to keep me company.
Don’t go full on then, use the Forums, find buddies (wherever) and go from there mate... easy and small steps will hopefully get you further in the long run matey "I do use the forums pretty frequently. As for finding people to come with me on the night if any of my friends can't make it, that is still a problem | |||
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"I have been proud on what I have achieved over the past year because if I hadn't had made changes to my life a year ago in terms of socialising, I would have been dead already." i think you need professional help | |||
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"I have been proud on what I have achieved over the past year because if I hadn't had made changes to my life a year ago in terms of socialising, I would have been dead already.i think you need professional help" I'm not feeling suicidal or anything like that. What I meant was over a year ago, I was a broken man whose heart was stomped on from someone who I had loved and trusted. Back then, I had no friends so that's why I chose to go and find some new friends as for me back then, it was either make new friends or die. | |||
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"I think it's brave for anyone to go to a club alone. Just stepping through the door alone shows you have more confidence than you think. I wonder if there could be a find a club buddy option added to the meets section or threads stated for this? Kinda like car sharing pools do? " Yeah. I have overcome my fear of going to a club which I'm proud of. I just need to overcome being scared of talking to new people in case they're not interested. That club buddy option does sound like a good idea. | |||
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"Clubs don't have to be your only outlet. Perhaps pursue some other activities if it might be easier to get your friends to agree to these instead. If you still find you are alone maybe try meetups. There is a wide variety of interest groups in all areas of the country. Having other things to engage with may take the pressure off meeting people in clubs. Sometimes the more desperate we are for something to happen the less likely it will. If you insist on the club route, perhaps try to get acquainted with a familiar face or two. That way you know you will often have a reliable face you can say hi to. Start there and things might develop hopefully. Stay positive. Good luck." I might try that at the next club visit. I'll have to stick to the club route at the moment as I've no ideas for activities to be honest. | |||
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"On recent evening visits to my usual club, I always seem to lack confidence in approaching people I've never met before. I do try but due to my Asperger's, it's nigh on impossible as I wouldn't know what to say plus I fear that no one I've never met would be interested in talking to me if I were to say hello. When that happens, it gets me down to the point where I don't enjoy myself and just end up leaving. This has happened on free occasions this year and it makes me depressed that I would let myself down because I can't have the balls to introduce myself to anyone at the club. What can I do to overcome this problem? I need to get rid of this fear otherwise my night outs are just gonna keep being disappointments." Two rules: Practice makes perfect and strength in numbers. To lick the first one you gotta keep at it. The second, well I’d be happy to come with you. I’m great at chatting to strangers bro, and in time, you will be too. But first, you may stuff up a few times before you ooze cool. Just have a laugh and keep at it ?? | |||
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"Maybe just have a browse. No harm after all. Sports, music, books, fitness, languages or even just a local social group to have dinner with or pint after work. Whilst swinging can be fun it shouldn't be the be all and end all "That is true. I'll have to look into some daytime social groups for next month. Better after I've been paid as it's no use going out when skint, isn't it? | |||
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"You don’t have to think what to say so much as just ask questions you’d want someone to ask you" What questions are there to ask as my mind would still go blank on that one. | |||
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"This is a common problem for many people, not just those with Asperger's. It's a bit like premature ejaculation, the more you dwell on what you are experiencing the more it is likely to be self-fulfilling prophecy. If you can, try and build up to introducing yourself. Go along with the intention of just being there and not introducing yourself, rather than anticipating the fear of introducing yourself. Be open to responding if someone speaks to you. The next time you go just say hello to someone you saw there the last time. Small steps. Good luck. " | |||
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"This is a common problem for many people, not just those with Asperger's. It's a bit like premature ejaculation, the more you dwell on what you are experiencing the more it is likely to be self-fulfilling prophecy. If you can, try and build up to introducing yourself. Go along with the intention of just being there and not introducing yourself, rather than anticipating the fear of introducing yourself. Be open to responding if someone speaks to you. The next time you go just say hello to someone you saw there the last time. Small steps. Good luck. I do try to pluck up the strength but if someone is already talking to someone, I don't bother as I feel like I would be butting in on their conversation. I'll be happy to respond but hardly anyone I've never met says anything to me or even acknowledges that I'm there." It can be like this for many of us. I had this happen to me in two clubs in Liverpool and in Manchester. Never wanted to return to one since as both experiences clouded my idea of not only clubs but of many fabbers. I don't like rudeness when in conversation with someone. Had 3 guys but into a conversation I was having with a lady...she didn't introduce me and obviously knew them as regulars. Didn't even realise I'd excused myself to go get a drink. Similar thing happened with a couple who I got chatting too as well. The way I deal with it is I move on or leave. Sometimes many only want a light non taxing superficial conversation. I cant do small talk and do enjoy good conversation which lead somewhere. This can often go against me unless it's a one to one meet situation. | |||
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"What sucks though is that when I want to say something to people, my mind just goes blank. I can't think of any topic to talk about other than games, music and films. What also sucks is I can't even come up with anything flirty either." You're doing very well in here though with questions so you can do it. I find generally people love to talk about themselves and their interests, ask about them, pick up on something they've said and show interest in that asking them to tell you more... Could be an activity, recent holiday, a book, hobbies etc. | |||
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"I have been proud on what I have achieved over the past year because if I hadn't had made changes to my life a year ago in terms of socialising, I would have been dead already.i think you need professional help" I think that too | |||
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"What sucks though is that when I want to say something to people, my mind just goes blank. I can't think of any topic to talk about other than games, music and films. What also sucks is I can't even come up with anything flirty either. You're doing very well in here though with questions so you can do it. I find generally people love to talk about themselves and their interests, ask about them, pick up on something they've said and show interest in that asking them to tell you more... Could be an activity, recent holiday, a book, hobbies etc." Thank you so much for the helpful advice. I will do my best | |||
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"I don't know much about Aspergers but could you not have a few topics of conversation that your comfortable with. Try and talk about them and may be the nerves will go enough to continue the chat. You could also just not talk...just sit and relax and enjoy the surroundings. If you sit at the bar there will be people coming and going and just say hello to them. They will probably say something back. You can't beat just random chat btw. Play games with yourself that you have to say something different to every one and see what happens. Don't leave tho....that's a total waste of a night which will make you just feel crap x" I do try to come up with what to say but my mind just goes blank. Sitting at by myself anywhere only makes me feel like I'm invisible. | |||
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"I don't know much about Aspergers but could you not have a few topics of conversation that your comfortable with. Try and talk about them and may be the nerves will go enough to continue the chat. You could also just not talk...just sit and relax and enjoy the surroundings. If you sit at the bar there will be people coming and going and just say hello to them. They will probably say something back. You can't beat just random chat btw. Play games with yourself that you have to say something different to every one and see what happens. Don't leave tho....that's a total waste of a night which will make you just feel crap x I do try to come up with what to say but my mind just goes blank. Sitting at by myself anywhere only makes me feel like I'm invisible." I had to go to works do's with my ex now and again. They were all posh and high flyers. It was honestly torture watching them all have things in common and enjoying their posh chat and I'd be just smiling and nodding. I would end up sitting at the bar talking to the bar staff till one of the wives would come over and chat thinking she was rescuing me. I eventually joined in some of the chats....just wee snippets here and there and over time found a few of the wives that were just as normal as me and preferred taking about x factor rather than how much they earned and how many watches they owned. Just stick with it and don't think about it too much. The worst thing that can happen is you enjoy a nice drink and do a bit of people watching x | |||
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"I don't know much about Aspergers but could you not have a few topics of conversation that your comfortable with. Try and talk about them and may be the nerves will go enough to continue the chat. You could also just not talk...just sit and relax and enjoy the surroundings. If you sit at the bar there will be people coming and going and just say hello to them. They will probably say something back. You can't beat just random chat btw. Play games with yourself that you have to say something different to every one and see what happens. Don't leave tho....that's a total waste of a night which will make you just feel crap x I do try to come up with what to say but my mind just goes blank. Sitting at by myself anywhere only makes me feel like I'm invisible. I had to go to works do's with my ex now and again. They were all posh and high flyers. It was honestly torture watching them all have things in common and enjoying their posh chat and I'd be just smiling and nodding. I would end up sitting at the bar talking to the bar staff till one of the wives would come over and chat thinking she was rescuing me. I eventually joined in some of the chats....just wee snippets here and there and over time found a few of the wives that were just as normal as me and preferred taking about x factor rather than how much they earned and how many watches they owned. Just stick with it and don't think about it too much. The worst thing that can happen is you enjoy a nice drink and do a bit of people watching x" I'll do my best to staying at the bar and see what happens | |||
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"I don't know much about Aspergers but could you not have a few topics of conversation that your comfortable with. Try and talk about them and may be the nerves will go enough to continue the chat. You could also just not talk...just sit and relax and enjoy the surroundings. If you sit at the bar there will be people coming and going and just say hello to them. They will probably say something back. You can't beat just random chat btw. Play games with yourself that you have to say something different to every one and see what happens. Don't leave tho....that's a total waste of a night which will make you just feel crap x I do try to come up with what to say but my mind just goes blank. Sitting at by myself anywhere only makes me feel like I'm invisible. I had to go to works do's with my ex now and again. They were all posh and high flyers. It was honestly torture watching them all have things in common and enjoying their posh chat and I'd be just smiling and nodding. I would end up sitting at the bar talking to the bar staff till one of the wives would come over and chat thinking she was rescuing me. I eventually joined in some of the chats....just wee snippets here and there and over time found a few of the wives that were just as normal as me and preferred taking about x factor rather than how much they earned and how many watches they owned. Just stick with it and don't think about it too much. The worst thing that can happen is you enjoy a nice drink and do a bit of people watching x I'll do my best to staying at the bar and see what happens " People just come and go and you can just say random things and the bar staff is always there. You can talk as much shite as you like and they still have to serve you hahaha Let me know how you get on x | |||
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"I don't know much about Aspergers but could you not have a few topics of conversation that your comfortable with. Try and talk about them and may be the nerves will go enough to continue the chat. You could also just not talk...just sit and relax and enjoy the surroundings. If you sit at the bar there will be people coming and going and just say hello to them. They will probably say something back. You can't beat just random chat btw. Play games with yourself that you have to say something different to every one and see what happens. Don't leave tho....that's a total waste of a night which will make you just feel crap x I do try to come up with what to say but my mind just goes blank. Sitting at by myself anywhere only makes me feel like I'm invisible. I had to go to works do's with my ex now and again. They were all posh and high flyers. It was honestly torture watching them all have things in common and enjoying their posh chat and I'd be just smiling and nodding. I would end up sitting at the bar talking to the bar staff till one of the wives would come over and chat thinking she was rescuing me. I eventually joined in some of the chats....just wee snippets here and there and over time found a few of the wives that were just as normal as me and preferred taking about x factor rather than how much they earned and how many watches they owned. Just stick with it and don't think about it too much. The worst thing that can happen is you enjoy a nice drink and do a bit of people watching x I'll do my best to staying at the bar and see what happens People just come and go and you can just say random things and the bar staff is always there. You can talk as much shite as you like and they still have to serve you hahaha Let me know how you get on x" Ok will do | |||
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 .
...But I'm still going.
I used to be exactly the same about singing on stage. The only way through such things is just to do it again and again. I'll let you know how my own night out goes and, if I have any, give you my advice. Wish me luck | |||
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"I could easily have written the same op... indeed I suspect many men could. This weekend I'm going to a club as a single guy for the first time and I've already played it all out in my mind as likely to be an utter nightmare which I'll end up running away from .
...But I'm still going.
I used to be exactly the same about singing on stage. The only way through such things is just to do it again and again. I'll let you know how my own night out goes and, if I have any, give you my advice. Wish me luck "Good luck mate. Hope it goes well for you | |||
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"I could easily have written the same op... indeed I suspect many men could. This weekend I'm going to a club as a single guy for the first time and I've already played it all out in my mind as likely to be an utter nightmare which I'll end up running away from .
...But I'm still going.
I used to be exactly the same about singing on stage. The only way through such things is just to do it again and again. I'll let you know how my own night out goes and, if I have any, give you my advice. Wish me luck
Good luck mate. Hope it goes well for you "https://m.fabswingers.com/forum/support/771329 Just linking you through to my feedback  | |||
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"I could easily have written the same op... indeed I suspect many men could. This weekend I'm going to a club as a single guy for the first time and I've already played it all out in my mind as likely to be an utter nightmare which I'll end up running away from .
...But I'm still going.
I used to be exactly the same about singing on stage. The only way through such things is just to do it again and again. I'll let you know how my own night out goes and, if I have any, give you my advice. Wish me luck
Good luck mate. Hope it goes well for you
https://m.fabswingers.com/forum/support/771329
Just linking you through to my feedback "Thanks for the link. It was a very helpful. Hopefully it will help give me more confidence on what to do on evenings at the club. | |||
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"On recent evening visits to my usual club, I always seem to lack confidence in approaching people I've never met before. I do try but due to my Asperger's, it's nigh on impossible as I wouldn't know what to say plus I fear that no one I've never met would be interested in talking to me if I were to say hello. When that happens, it gets me down to the point where I don't enjoy myself and just end up leaving. This has happened on free occasions this year and it makes me depressed that I would let myself down because I can't have the balls to introduce myself to anyone at the club. What can I do to overcome this problem? I need to get rid of this fear otherwise my night outs are just gonna keep being disappointments." | |||
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"I've had to bump this back up as I can't help but feel like I've lost confidence in myself. I don't know what to do "Go to see a doctor Phone the Samaritans Talk to family/friends | |||
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"I've had to bump this back up as I can't help but feel like I've lost confidence in myself. I don't know what to do
Go to see a doctor
Phone the Samaritans
Talk to family/friends"I've tried seeing a doctor and his advice was useless. I don't have that many friends and I don't tell my family what I do in terms of socialising. | |||
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"I've had to bump this back up as I can't help but feel like I've lost confidence in myself. I don't know what to do
Go to see a doctor
Phone the Samaritans
Talk to family/friends
I've tried seeing a doctor and his advice was useless. I don't have that many friends and I don't tell my family what I do in terms of socialising. "See a different doctor. What was the advice you were given ? Did you do it ? | |||
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"I've had to bump this back up as I can't help but feel like I've lost confidence in myself. I don't know what to do
Go to see a doctor
Phone the Samaritans
Talk to family/friends
I've tried seeing a doctor and his advice was useless. I don't have that many friends and I don't tell my family what I do in terms of socialising.
See a different doctor.
What was the advice you were given ? Did you do it ?"When I told him about my depression, he just said that's life and what I have isn't depression if it isn't longer than a few days. I guess this isn't much of an advice. | |||
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"I've had to bump this back up as I can't help but feel like I've lost confidence in myself. I don't know what to do
Go to see a doctor
Phone the Samaritans
Talk to family/friends
I've tried seeing a doctor and his advice was useless. I don't have that many friends and I don't tell my family what I do in terms of socialising.
See a different doctor.
What was the advice you were given ? Did you do it ?
When I told him about my depression, he just said that's life and what I have isn't depression if it isn't longer than a few days.
I guess this isn't much of an advice."If you look up depression on an nhs site it says depression lasts more than a few days. | |||
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"I've had to bump this back up as I can't help but feel like I've lost confidence in myself. I don't know what to do
Go to see a doctor
Phone the Samaritans
Talk to family/friends
I've tried seeing a doctor and his advice was useless. I don't have that many friends and I don't tell my family what I do in terms of socialising.
See a different doctor.
What was the advice you were given ? Did you do it ?
When I told him about my depression, he just said that's life and what I have isn't depression if it isn't longer than a few days.
I guess this isn't much of an advice.
If you look up depression on an nhs site it says depression lasts more than a few days."Fair point but if I ever feel like I'm lacking in confidence, it would get me down. | |||
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"Lovely verifications hun Have you considered asking the women who clearly like you?" Thanks. Now that I think about it, I think they would already know that I'm a good person. | |||
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"I've had to bump this back up as I can't help but feel like I've lost confidence in myself. I don't know what to do
Go to see a doctor
Phone the Samaritans
Talk to family/friends
I've tried seeing a doctor and his advice was useless. I don't have that many friends and I don't tell my family what I do in terms of socialising. "Perhaps research a bit into organisations specialising in Asperger's? It sounds like you're struggling and could do with some help, that is the route I'd go down. They might do workshops or be able to give you some strategies in social situations and they might even hold social events near you where you could meet other people having the same trouble as you. | |||
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"I've had to bump this back up as I can't help but feel like I've lost confidence in myself. I don't know what to do
Go to see a doctor
Phone the Samaritans
Talk to family/friends
I've tried seeing a doctor and his advice was useless. I don't have that many friends and I don't tell my family what I do in terms of socialising.
Perhaps research a bit into organisations specialising in Asperger's? It sounds like you're struggling and could do with some help, that is the route I'd go down. They might do workshops or be able to give you some strategies in social situations and they might even hold social events near you where you could meet other people having the same trouble as you."I have suggested that in the past too | |||
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"I have suggested that in the past too "Great minds and all that  | |||
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"I have suggested that in the past too
Great minds and all that "Lol | |||
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"Theres 6 large aspergers/autism groups/charities in bolton and that was just a quick google search" Very interesting | |||
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"Op I think it would be good if you look at other interests to compliment your Cupid’s activities. You strike me as having some diverse ones such as film and gaming etc. Bet there are loads of groups where you are. Go on meet up etc. If you made it through the door of a swingers club meeting other people in that way should be a walk in the park. It would boost your confidence all round. My Aspergers manifested in confidence issues so I tackle it head on. I challenge and push myself through it. " Thanks. I'll do what I can. | |||
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