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"I wouldn't class my self as a true sub at all but I love hardcore dom/sub roleplay which is very different from merely rough sex and being bullied. There's a huge amount of trust that needs to be built up before going in to breath play, restraint, impact play, degradation etc. Its a tough one for guys because if I get crass messages from guys saying what they want to do to me I just switch off completely and delete. Yet even my vanilla play is mixed up with elements of bdsm with Mr Foxxx " Yeah thats what I'm wondering. Is it common to go straight to hardcore? Or is it expected to be build up first with trust? I'd love to try going further but for me it would take time to build the trust and knowledge of the other halves tolerance, likes and dislikes. | |||
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I think in any scene there are the newbies, the chancers and the experienced. What people are trying to do is avoid the chancers.
Sometimes people with say something just to get a reply (Of course I am 6 foot tall and hung like a horse) and I think the 'serious' part is meant to try to exclude those that are just trying it on.
Sadly all it does is put off the newbies, makes the experienced question if they are experienced enough and the chancers will just reply with "Of course I am a serious Dom/sub", so it achieves nothing. | |||
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" I.e I'd have been thinking about it all day, text said girl that I'm on my way, she greets at the door and as soon as its shut, she's tied and or gagged and is my little fuck toy for the evening, doing what I want, when I want and vice versa if reversed. " Well this would be the first red flag for me. In my opinion a dom/me doesn't do "what he/she wants, when he/she wants it", and neither should any self respecting human being. | |||
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" I think in any scene there are the newbies, the chancers and the experienced. What people are trying to do is avoid the chancers. Sometimes people with say something just to get a reply (Of course I am 6 foot tall and hung like a horse) and I think the 'serious' part is meant to try to exclude those that are just trying it on. Sadly all it does is put off the newbies, makes the experienced question if they are experienced enough and the chancers will just reply with "Of course I am a serious Dom/sub", so it achieves nothing." Very good point. | |||
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" Well this would be the first red flag for me. In my opinion a dom/me doesn't do "what he/she wants, when he/she wants it", and neither should any self respecting human being. " Fair enough, but I was just speaking loosely for the purpose of the question. Granted its probably a bad example as its more fantasy driven with somebody I'd been in a pre existing sexual relationship with and nit the hardcore sub/dom experience I was asking about | |||
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" Well this would be the first red flag for me. In my opinion a dom/me doesn't do "what he/she wants, when he/she wants it", and neither should any self respecting human being. Fair enough, but I was just speaking loosely for the purpose of the question. Granted its probably a bad example as its more fantasy driven with somebody I'd been in a pre existing sexual relationship with and nit the hardcore sub/dom experience I was asking about" I think that's kind of the point though. However they're wording it on their profile is semantics really, they're essentially saying they're looking for people experienced in this area who understand the basic dynamics. Even with experienced BDSM play there's a whole range of likes/ dislikes so I just see it as a way of crossing the first hurdle in choosing a suitable play partner. | |||
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" I think that's kind of the point though. However they're wording it on their profile is semantics really, they're essentially saying they're looking for people experienced in this area who understand the basic dynamics. Even with experienced BDSM play there's a whole range of likes/ dislikes so I just see it as a way of crossing the first hurdle in choosing a suitable play partner." You're right I understand that completely  | |||
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"It's what *you* want it to be along with your partner of course. There's an awful lot of superior attitudes in the BDSM community with people claiming that you aren't a proper sub or dom unless x,y or z. Our opinion is that you need to establish some kind of mental connection for sure and build up a relationship no matter how temporary in order to do this at any level. Contact people, ask what they want, do they want role play, a little light restraint, more intense mental domination etc. First read a couple of non fiction books on the subject. It's fun, its sexy, its interesting and as long as you follow the safe, sane, consensual mantra you will be ok." Another good point thank you. Somebody earlier mentioned chancers and for sure there is alot of Big Talk on here. Maybe I just got wrapped up in it because everyone seems to be a experienced pro, where I struggle to even get replies let alone meets. | |||
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"I get messages from folk asking for tips on how to be a dominant or how to meet a submissive. My answer always the same...youll only meet a Dom or sub if you meet them as equals and establish that you both want the same thing. See it as a shared learning experience. A dominant is not always evident from 1st message nor should he/she try to be one...I'm a firm believer that you will fall in to a category through natural selection, your either one or the other...you can't force to be something your not x" Couldn't agree more with this. I'm a big believer in that and would never firce myself or anyone else to do or try anything unless it felt right. Thats why I'm here, to meet like minded individuals to have fun and maybe learn a few things | |||
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"The trouble is 50SOG gave people ideas without really giving them a clue how it works in the real world. Using those books as a manual can lead to serious physical and psychological damage. If that is your only knowledge of kink (regardless of how turned on you were) then any experienced player is going to have to teach you better ways....." My man, I wouldn't read that tripe if I was stuck on a island. It'll hardly be any use as kindling. I can't even watch the movie. I was saying that I see it mentioned in alot of other profiles, in which case youre right as it probably is dangerous I really wouldn't say I'm inexperienced. Just curious into the more hardcore/serious side which is where I am new | |||
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"I do think the whole Dom/sub thing is overblown and often taken too seriously. We're not nearly experienced enough for some, but we sure do have a lot of fun, and isn't that the point? "Not really. It’s taken seriously because serious harm can be caused. Mental and physical. Inexperience can lead to dangerous situations. Doms pushing too far, using rope without knowing the right way to tie, hitting too hard/in the wrong places. Subs can not understand their own limits, think being sub means doing everything the Dom asks. If you play at it for fun, good for you but it’s a lifestyle for many. Something taken seriously and with great care. | |||
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"I do think the whole Dom/sub thing is overblown and often taken too seriously. We're not nearly experienced enough for some, but we sure do have a lot of fun, and isn't that the point?
Not really. It’s taken seriously because serious harm can be caused. Mental and physical.
Inexperience can lead to dangerous situations. Doms pushing too far, using rope without knowing the right way to tie, hitting too hard/in the wrong places.
Subs can not understand their own limits, think being sub means doing everything the Dom asks.
If you play at it for fun, good for you but it’s a lifestyle for many. Something taken seriously and with great care. "Church | |||
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"I do think the whole Dom/sub thing is overblown and often taken too seriously. We're not nearly experienced enough for some, but we sure do have a lot of fun, and isn't that the point?
Not really. It’s taken seriously because serious harm can be caused. Mental and physical.
Inexperience can lead to dangerous situations. Doms pushing too far, using rope without knowing the right way to tie, hitting too hard/in the wrong places.
Subs can not understand their own limits, think being sub means doing everything the Dom asks.
If you play at it for fun, good for you but it’s a lifestyle for many. Something taken seriously and with great care.
Church"Church?  | |||
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"I do think the whole Dom/sub thing is overblown and often taken too seriously. We're not nearly experienced enough for some, but we sure do have a lot of fun, and isn't that the point?
Not really. It’s taken seriously because serious harm can be caused. Mental and physical.
Inexperience can lead to dangerous situations. Doms pushing too far, using rope without knowing the right way to tie, hitting too hard/in the wrong places.
Subs can not understand their own limits, think being sub means doing everything the Dom asks.
If you play at it for fun, good for you but it’s a lifestyle for many. Something taken seriously and with great care.
Church
Church? "Slang for truth | |||
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"I do think the whole Dom/sub thing is overblown and often taken too seriously. We're not nearly experienced enough for some, but we sure do have a lot of fun, and isn't that the point?
Not really. It’s taken seriously because serious harm can be caused. Mental and physical.
Inexperience can lead to dangerous situations. Doms pushing too far, using rope without knowing the right way to tie, hitting too hard/in the wrong places.
Subs can not understand their own limits, think being sub means doing everything the Dom asks.
If you play at it for fun, good for you but it’s a lifestyle for many. Something taken seriously and with great care.
Church
Church?
Slang for truth"Do you mean preach? | |||
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"I do think the whole Dom/sub thing is overblown and often taken too seriously. We're not nearly experienced enough for some, but we sure do have a lot of fun, and isn't that the point?
Not really. It’s taken seriously because serious harm can be caused. Mental and physical.
Inexperience can lead to dangerous situations. Doms pushing too far, using rope without knowing the right way to tie, hitting too hard/in the wrong places.
Subs can not understand their own limits, think being sub means doing everything the Dom asks.
If you play at it for fun, good for you but it’s a lifestyle for many. Something taken seriously and with great care.
Church
Church?
Slang for truth
Do you mean preach? "Not in the slightest, I agree fully with your comment. | |||
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"I do think the whole Dom/sub thing is overblown and often taken too seriously. We're not nearly experienced enough for some, but we sure do have a lot of fun, and isn't that the point?
Not really. It’s taken seriously because serious harm can be caused. Mental and physical.
Inexperience can lead to dangerous situations. Doms pushing too far, using rope without knowing the right way to tie, hitting too hard/in the wrong places.
Subs can not understand their own limits, think being sub means doing everything the Dom asks.
If you play at it for fun, good for you but it’s a lifestyle for many. Something taken seriously and with great care.
Church
Church?
Slang for truth
Do you mean preach?
Not in the slightest, I agree fully with your comment."No I mean do you mean “preach” as opposed to “church”. Preach is usually slang for agreeing with someone/thinking someone is being truthful. I’ve never heard “church” used that way. | |||
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"I do think the whole Dom/sub thing is overblown and often taken too seriously. We're not nearly experienced enough for some, but we sure do have a lot of fun, and isn't that the point?
Not really. It’s taken seriously because serious harm can be caused. Mental and physical.
Inexperience can lead to dangerous situations. Doms pushing too far, using rope without knowing the right way to tie, hitting too hard/in the wrong places.
Subs can not understand their own limits, think being sub means doing everything the Dom asks.
If you play at it for fun, good for you but it’s a lifestyle for many. Something taken seriously and with great care.
Church
Church?
Slang for truth
Do you mean preach?
Not in the slightest, I agree fully with your comment.
No I mean do you mean “preach” as opposed to “church”. Preach is usually slang for agreeing with someone/thinking someone is being truthful.
I’ve never heard “church” used that way. "Oh I see. I've never heard preach so that makes us even | |||
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"I hope that people can try and understand it is the state mind that makes the difference between a true fetishists and those that play games. There is nothing wrong with either side of the equation but a difference there most certainly is." Very true. I think that when people say they are looking for a “serious” Dom/sub they simply mean someone who understands he lifestyle. Is not doing it “just for fun” or as a laugh. It is fun, of course it is. But it’s also very serious. I take being tied up or flogged seriously because it can cause harm if done incorrectly. So I only do those things with someone I have built trust with and who I believe takes it seriously. Certainly not someone who has just been thinking about it all day so decides to send a text and then do what they want/when they want with me | |||
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"I hope that people can try and understand it is the state mind that makes the difference between a true fetishists and those that play games. There is nothing wrong with either side of the equation but a difference there most certainly is. Very true. I think that when people say they are looking for a “serious” Dom/sub they simply mean someone who understands he lifestyle. Is not doing it “just for fun” or as a laugh. It is fun, of course it is. But it’s also very serious. I take being tied up or flogged seriously because it can cause harm if done incorrectly. So I only do those things with someone I have built trust with and who I believe takes it seriously. Certainly not someone who has just been thinking about it all day so decides to send a text and then do what they want/when they want with me " | |||
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"I hope that people can try and understand it is the state mind that makes the difference between a true fetishists and those that play games. There is nothing wrong with either side of the equation but a difference there most certainly is. Very true. I think that when people say they are looking for a “serious” Dom/sub they simply mean someone who understands he lifestyle. Is not doing it “just for fun” or as a laugh. It is fun, of course it is. But it’s also very serious. I take being tied up or flogged seriously because it can cause harm if done incorrectly. So I only do those things with someone I have built trust with and who I believe takes it seriously. Certainly not someone who has just been thinking about it all day so decides to send a text and then do what they want/when they want with me "And that is a very sensible approach to it. I would not dream of doing anything with anyone unless I had a conversation about who they are and what the like and don't like. D/s and sadio-masochism are not at all the same and in turn are different for everyone. Its all about pleasure, the question is how do you achieve it.Unfortunately that is one very complicated question! | |||
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"It's what *you* want it to be along with your partner of course. There's an awful lot of superior attitudes in the BDSM community with people claiming that you aren't a proper sub or dom unless x,y or z. Our opinion is that you need to establish some kind of mental connection for sure and build up a relationship no matter how temporary in order to do this at any level. Contact people, ask what they want, do they want role play, a little light restraint, more intense mental domination etc. First read a couple of non fiction books on the subject. It's fun, its sexy, its interesting and as long as you follow the safe, sane, consensual mantra you will be ok." Agree with all of this. There's no substitute for the contracting and negotiation phases of a BDSM relationship; people who use buzz words or shorthand to try and skip the individual negotiation and contracting phases are elevating the level of risk considerably. Doesn't mean it won't end well, but the level of risk and the consequences is higher than I would contemplate. Carter | |||
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" I.e I'd have been thinking about it all day, text said girl that I'm on my way, she greets at the door and as soon as its shut, she's tied and or gagged and is my little fuck toy for the evening, doing what I want, when I want and vice versa if reversed. Well this would be the first red flag for me. In my opinion a dom/me doesn't do "what he/she wants, when he/she wants it", and neither should any self respecting human being. " Exactly. The Dom should’ve been asking the sub what she likes and doesn’t like. It’s about building a rapport. I am sub but can switch. I have played with a Dom on a first meet and had a great time but we chatted it through first. There are many levels and different aspects to the D/s relationship. I’m into sensory deprivation and sensual stimulation. More about being tactile, orgasm control, forced orgasm, some pain and pleasure. Others want their arses spanked until they’re red or whipped with a crop antil their arse is stripey. Whilst I enjoy the pain from nipple clamps extreme pain doesn’t do it for me. I want to find that head space (sub space) which is like an orgasm for the head. No penetrative sex required but can be awesome at the end of a session for both partners. I can tell by chatting if someone knows what they are talking about when it comes to BDSM. I certainly don’t want to be trussed up and used as anyone as a ‘toy’ but then another sub might enjoy it. Don’t be put off by anyone but learn as much as you can. Go to kink nights, join a fetish site and go to munches (regular fet socials). Communication is the key and no two subs or Doms/Dommes are the same. | |||
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"So I'm seeing alot more statements on profiles such as "serious doms only" "no vanilla Mr Grey BS" and "far from vanilla, not for the feint hearted" etc etc.. Their profile continues on about how they're a serious Dom/Sub and are only looking for equal Dom/Sub. Now please mind my ignorance but, what am I missing?? Seriously? Yes I'm new to this site, but not new to sex. Ive done the sub/dom roles with gf's and sexual partners to lets say a amature bondage level. (Ropes,gags and swings) but nothing too serious. I've done it for more fantasy reasons over fetish. For me personally, i have to build up a level of trust and knowledge of a partner before going into those roles (fuck a few times first to establish we have good sexual chemistry) What I want to know is; What's expected with being a so called "serious Dom/Sub"?? Can anyone give me some examples? Like I said, ive played before, but not to a serious level (if thats even a thing) I.e I'd have been thinking about it all day, text said girl that I'm on my way, she greets at the door and as soon as its shut, she's tied and or gagged and is my little fuck toy for the evening, doing what I want, when I want and vice versa if reversed. But I feel like I'm missing something. It doesn't half make me feel vanilla af when I see girls demanding real men or none vanilla only. I've found a couple of absolutely stunning girls but I wont message because I feel like they'll expect all the toys and another level of experience ready set go. Sorry for the long winded post, but its been on my mind for a while. So to sum up, am i a vanilla switch?? Haha" Label smehbals! I just do what I want and do t try and pigeon hole myself! Someone told me what I was the other day, really? Cheers lady!  | |||
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