FabSwingers.com forum: When a guy cant stay hard

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Question for the ladies... i had been spending time with a guy who has no problems getting hard but as soon as we would start to get intimate it would disappear and no amount of foreplay would bring it back

I decided to stop spending time with him because it was just impacting my self confidence... and then hes arranging meets with other people (obviously hes entitled to and thats not the problem) but these meets were like a 4 hour drive away ... so i would assume he wasnt planning driving all that way if maintaining an erection was a regular problem so it pretty much just confirmed that i was the issue

Any other women been in a similar place and how do you come back from the confidence knock of knowing that you literally put a guy off sex

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have found it normal for guys to soften a bit and then harden again over a 2 to 3 hour meeting but as I like groups there is always one hard cock for me. I have not met a guy who goes down and cannot be revived...

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By *09309309Woman
over a year ago

Dublin

I wouldn't be so quick to say that you are the problem xx You have no way of knowing that is true and you are hurting your own feelings carrying on with that line of thinking

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I wouldn't be so quick to say that you are the problem xx You have no way of knowing that is true and you are hurting your own feelings carrying on with that line of thinking

I agree

. If he’s not getting hard. That’s his problem not yours.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I wouldn't be so quick to say that you are the problem xx You have no way of knowing that is true and you are hurting your own feelings carrying on with that line of thinking

Yep they are pretty smooshed feelings at the moment ... i feel like everything else has been ruled out though ...

1st time i put it down to drink

2nd time we were sober but maybe it was the condom as i know guys have issues with that

3rd time it happened even before the condom but i thought maybe its just this whole fab thing is weird for him and its a mental thing

4th time we had been hanging out alot more socially and plutonically so we knew each other better and i dont think i would have been classed as a "fab stranger" anymore but it went from rock hard to totally soft as soon as i started touching it

I dont really see how it cant be me

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By *ickeyandmouseCouple
over a year ago

nr Alicante

"Question for the ladies... i had been spending time with a guy who has no problems getting hard but as soon as we would start to get intimate it would disappear and no amount of foreplay would bring it back

Any other women been in a similar place and how do you come back from the confidence knock of knowing that you literally put a guy off sex "

Mickey here. We are more often in a couples situation and this issue has arisen many times. I am probably fortunate in that I am generally ok, but in these days of pills and potions, Guys can get help.

Mouse too has had the same feelings of undesirability and a sapping of confidence. A couple we know who really only swing with single guys have said the same thing.

So it seems to cover all scenarios. Don’t ever question your desirability, there is a lot of it going on out there. xxx

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By *FFB69Woman
over a year ago

Torfaen/Gwent

Maybe it’s embarrassing for him?

It can be mental, if it’s happened a few times then he could be stuck in a cycle when it comes to you.

If he hasn’t had the same issue with others he could be performing because he’s not embarrassed. And unless you’re at the meets, you don’t know how they’re going. He could still be having the same issues.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Maybe it’s embarrassing for him?

It can be mental, if it’s happened a few times then he could be stuck in a cycle when it comes to you.

I did consider that ... and i really played it down the first few times because i didnt want to make it a bigger issue than it was ... trouble is by playing it down for him and letting it happen over again ive somehow ended up making it a bigger issue for me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not your fault hun,he finds you attractive enough to want to meet so his issues are all him not in anyway your fsult

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can understand why you'd take it personally. However, there is many different issues, unrelated to how attractive people find each other, that can be affecting the situation. There is something called 'performance anxiety', and it can become a vicious circle. As the more the man affected thinks about it, the more it becomes a problem.

Also, ability to perform can be affected by things like medication (some meds you'd never suspect of that can cause impotence), tiredness, alcohol, drugs etc.

So as much as it can be damaging to your own self-confidence, I would not look for fault in you, please. Also, is penetrative sex something you have to have at a meet? I am more than happy with 'just' oral and fingering, find it much more arousing as the fuck, cum and go. As even if the below the waist equipment is refusing to play, men still have their tongues and fingers

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had this with a guy once. We had some foreplay and he was hard but as soon as penetration was on the menu, he lost it.

Apparently it was nothing personal and he was 'very tired'. Fair enough, I thought... two hours later I came on here and noticed that he had just put up a status update asking if anyone local fancied a fuck because he was horny.

I have to admit, that hurt a bit at the time. Guy still messages me from time to time wanting to meet up, but I'm not going there again.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have had it.

My former FWB started having problems staying hard and couldn't cum through sex with me. I did initially think it was me and he was bored of doing it with me, until he admitted he couldn't cum in a lady anymore. Since splitting up with his wife, he watches porn a lot and Wanks every night. That's the most likely cause in his case.

My new FWB couldn't get hard the first few times we met but he's okay now. In his case it was nerves.

I did get thrown out by a bloke who couldn't get hard once, in his case it was most likely alcohol that caused it.

(None of them are Fab members)

It's not very likely that it's you who is causing him to not be hard. He could be telling porkies about the new meets to cover his embarrassment, especially if it were you who ended meets with him.He could be very demoralised.

In any case just move on to a new person

XXX

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By *oodmessMan
over a year ago

yumsville

Sometimes you click, sometimes you don't. Everyody's approach is different along with technique. Some people are quite comfortable after a short chat, others like to sit down and spell out lists of do's and don'ts which can mute your drive a bit. If you have that spark of connection, any conversation prior usually goes out of the window I've found, as you can really just listen to what the other person is telling you they like at the time. Personally though I have found people who either overcook their skills or give rules on rules a bit off-putting as they either don't live up to expectation or you'd like them to make the first move, which is rarely done.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sounds very similar to my situation. I was having a lot of issues, couldn’t get an ereaction, when I did I lost it just at the wrong moment. Nothing to do with who I was with, it wasn’t always the same Lady. I went to Dr. who said it could be a number of issues, a mental block, lack of ‘practise’ (counter intuitive, I know), tiredness, and, in my case, ED. Dr. Prescribed Viagra which I now take as needed. Quite honestly, best thing that ever happend to me!

A lot of Guys hide this as an embarrassment and a slight in their masculinity, and, as I did, tried to soldier on hoping it’d sort itself. But honestly, that the embarrassment lasts until the first tab gives you a 12 hour errection, then your masculinity isn’t an issue!

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By *oodmessMan
over a year ago

yumsville

"I wouldn't be so quick to say that you are the problem xx You have no way of knowing that is true and you are hurting your own feelings carrying on with that line of thinking

I agree

. If he’s not getting hard. That’s his problem not yours."

OP aside. When you turn up to a meet and the woman is lay there washed out, d*unk with half a kebab in a worn out onzie. Would you?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I wouldn't be so quick to say that you are the problem xx You have no way of knowing that is true and you are hurting your own feelings carrying on with that line of thinking

I agree

. If he’s not getting hard. That’s his problem not yours.

OP aside. When you turn up to a meet and the woman is lay there washed out, d*unk with half a kebab in a worn out onzie. Would you? "

I havent been any of these things any time we have met

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By *ensualcouple99Couple
over a year ago

Colchester

"I wouldn't be so quick to say that you are the problem xx You have no way of knowing that is true and you are hurting your own feelings carrying on with that line of thinking

Yep they are pretty smooshed feelings at the moment ... i feel like everything else has been ruled out though ...

1st time i put it down to drink

2nd time we were sober but maybe it was the condom as i know guys have issues with that

3rd time it happened even before the condom but i thought maybe its just this whole fab thing is weird for him and its a mental thing

I dont really see how it cant be me

Trouble is with guys it really is affected by mind talk.

The first time might have been down to drink..... So the next time he's conscious of this so doesn't drink but he's worrying about it so it affects the second time. By the time the third and fourth time comes he's so conscious of his performance he just can't overcome it.

So you aren't the issue but at the same time everytime he's thinking of getting naughty he can't help but worry he won't be able to get hard for you again. It's a vicious cycle that he can't break. So the best thing to do is stop the cycle and walk away as it's doing neither of you any good.

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By *he girl with dreadlocksWoman
over a year ago

need to know basis in Wolverhampton

Well you were seeing him quite a lot it's seems so if he didn't fancy/want you surly he wouldn't have kept seeing you, so I don't see how it was you.

I did have a guy who did fancy me wanted me for awhile he ask to play so we went but he couldn't get it up I was sucking on his cock for a while in the end we just left the room any way come end of the night he is bashing off to have a 3sum with a couple.

I was a bit miffed to me if he could suddenly get it up again then he should have finished what he started.

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull

Any other women been in a similar place and how do you come back from the confidence knock of knowing that you literally put a guy off sex "

Maybe he's planned the meets 4 hours away so the local ladies in his town don't gossip about his "problem" while giggling and nick among him mr softy

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I wouldn't be so quick to say that you are the problem xx You have no way of knowing that is true and you are hurting your own feelings carrying on with that line of thinking

Yep they are pretty smooshed feelings at the moment ... i feel like everything else has been ruled out though ...

1st time i put it down to drink

2nd time we were sober but maybe it was the condom as i know guys have issues with that

3rd time it happened even before the condom but i thought maybe its just this whole fab thing is weird for him and its a mental thing

I dont really see how it cant be me

Trouble is with guys it really is affected by mind talk.

Thanks ... i think i need to just read this post over and over til i convince myself now

I have walked away though ... unfortunately he was trying to push a friendship or a way to fix it but i just needed the distance so i kind of regret that its a friendship thats ended kinda messily now ... but i needed to walk away for me

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By *hubaysiWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

OP what makes you think it’s you that’s the problem? Do you know if it’s happened with the women he drove 4 hours to meet?

It’s probably psychological and down to him not you.

Find a man who can give you what you want. There are plenty on Fab.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thanks for the pep talk guys ... still feel crappy but i definitelyneeded it this morning

If it is his issue and not mine then i dont really want him to see this and make him feel worse so i think ill quit and start again so the OP has no username attached

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

can just happen, were you are turned on but there is no connection downstairs same with a woman that is turned on but is as a dry as a bone.

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By *ikeC81Man
over a year ago

harrow

Advice.

Drink can have an effect, tiredness can have an effect, nerves can have an effect. Also it could be the taticle before hand wasn’t need, also some guys struggle with other guys in vacinity, and also loose it with using a condom

I would say get used to using a condom, also know what drink does to you.

For me, I often may loose it but I know that watching women masterbate makes me hard so say that

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its to do with blood flow down der that's all nuffin to do with any women

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By *izzabelle and well hungCouple
over a year ago

Edinburgh.

Is he a porn addict?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"can just happen, were you are turned on but there is no connection downstairs same with a woman that is turned on but is as a dry as a bone. "
cant u spit on it and make it wet ?

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By *ifty grades of shadyCouple
over a year ago

Carisbrooke, Isle of Wight

There's the grip of death, where wanking or even holding it, it remains fine, but once a different sensation is introduced it does nothing for the bloke, it doesn't feel right.

Abstention from wanking is probably the best course of action, as is stopping watching porn. The two together are probably the worse culprits.

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By *inky n Curious48Couple
over a year ago

Watford

Viagra?? If its a major issue for him sound like a anxiety problem I think there pressure of performing in public in front of a audience

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By *eadchefski1970Man
over a year ago

Milton keynes

It has nothing to do with you, its all him. I have had the same problem. Its all in his mind. I have had the chance of sex with gorgeous women and my head really wants it but my cock says no....... Work that one out! Its really frustrating and embarrassing, sometimes it happens sometimes it doesn't. Condoms for me don't help I go limp trying to out them on!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Is he a porn addict?"

I don’t think porn addiction got anything to do with not getting errection. I’m porn addict and have no issues with performing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don’t take a guy losing his errection as a bad thing for you.

I (Mr) have lost it more times than I want to remember and it’s embarrassing for me as I don’t want to woman to think it’s down to them. Mines down to me being very body conscious and has nothing to do with the looks and “skills” of the woman I’m playing with

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By *ifty grades of shadyCouple
over a year ago

Carisbrooke, Isle of Wight

"Is he a porn addict?

I don’t think porn addiction got anything to do with not getting errection. I’m porn addict and have no issues with performing

"
It can be if you need the visuals of porn, as opposed to imaginary stimulation, not for everyone of course, but for some it is.

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By *itandSteveCouple
over a year ago

Stroud

We've experienced this once or twice. As a previous poster said we like group meets so always someone who's ready. Our take sometimes is that weight of expectation can drag a guy "down". Genuine single guys are putting themselves out there and are expected to perform !! It happens. Not you. Just the situation. Some rise to it. Some don't. Xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Any other women been in a similar place and how do you come back from the confidence knock of knowing that you literally put a guy off sex "
Its more likely too be that the first time was just nerves with you . But then he would of put pressure on himself the second time to perform. and the more it happens the worse it gets .So i would not blame yourself it just happens sometimes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

stockings ,lingerie, teasing , bending over giving a litle flash innocently etc etc always goes down well.

im normally erect before getting it out with teasing foreplay..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Is he a porn addict?

I don’t think porn addiction got anything to do with not getting errection. I’m porn addict and have no issues with performing

It can be if you need the visuals of porn, as opposed to imaginary stimulation, not for everyone of course, but for some it is."

I knew a man like this. He needed definite stimulation, anything less made his cock go soft. I thought it was my fault and beat myself up about it for a long time then circumstances showed it wasn't my fault at all.

Him worrying about it would make it worse. I have similar, if there's such a thing as a female version. Little things can turn me off and that's me done.

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By *ifty grades of shadyCouple
over a year ago

Carisbrooke, Isle of Wight

"Is he a porn addict?

I don’t think porn addiction got anything to do with not getting errection. I’m porn addict and have no issues with performing

It can be if you need the visuals of porn, as opposed to imaginary stimulation, not for everyone of course, but for some it is.

Him worrying about it would make it worse. I have similar, if there's such a thing as a female version. Little things can turn me off and that's me done."

And therein lies another issues, can't believe the amount of guys that think the women just needs to lay back, maybe slap in some lube and they are good to go.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mr been in this predicament found due to performance issues with new ladies so just concentrated on ladies pleasure and not worrying if I came or not,this is slowly changing.

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By *eryCuriousCouple2012Couple
over a year ago

Funville

As others have posted, it appears that it became a psychological issue. The first time may have been just one of those things affected by tiredness, alcohol, medication or many others things, the 2nd, 3rd etc probably exacerbated it beyond anyone's control.

Once that anxiety sets in, the amount of self-pressure can be overwhelming, leading to that exact issue.

It can be salvaged but it can take time, patience and understanding.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do OP, under whichever account you have next

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By *otSoNewWalesCoupleCouple
over a year ago

South Wales

Pose a question and then it's 'user no longer on the site'.

I'd say total fake and YES it IS your problem.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As a man who had to have 2 lower back operations in quick succession, may I offer one insight. Although the ops were very successful in resolving issues with prolapsed discs, I`ve really struggled with maintaining erections since.

Previously I was always "on fire" but nerve damage means erections are very unreliable now. Can be rock hard one minute - completely wilted the next. Initially hard for my wife to cope with as she too thought it was "her". It isn't - fancy her as much as ever but my penis simply has a mind of its own without any sexual connection. So, I might get a huge erection looking at sprouts in Tesco - and absolutely nothing whilst on a meet where 2 ladies are "dressed to kill".

I`m very philosophical and have v quickly learnt to enjoy watching my wife have fun. Been prescribed cialis and viagra via doctor but that hasn't helped much really - and always feel like crap for a few days after taking them.

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By *iversong321Woman
over a year ago

Preston/Merseyside

"Pose a question and then it's 'user no longer on the site'.

I'd say total fake and YES it IS your problem."

She was asking a genuine question. Why does that make her fake? She wasnt slagging the guy off just after answers. Your post makes you look bitter.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Pose a question and then it's 'user no longer on the site'.

I'd say total fake and YES it IS your problem."

She explained her reason for deleting the account to start a new one (so that if the gentleman in question saw this he wouldn't be embarrassed). Am sure this was just a mistake on your part, but be sure to check the whole thread in future; if anything the actions of the OP show empathy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

def should not blame yourself

i have that problem myself

and had some arguements

i know it me other times im fine work that one out lol

birth gave me fingers and a tongue too so happy lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Pose a question and then it's 'user no longer on the site'.

I'd say total fake and YES it IS your problem.

She was asking a genuine question. Why does that make her fake? She wasnt slagging the guy off just after answers. Your post makes you look bitter."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It happens, only a couple of times for me but it's never been anything to do with the lady. Has been other factors that have meant psychologically I'm not in the moment. Removed the distraction and good to go.

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By *lem-H-FandangoMan
over a year ago

salisbury

A lap dance is always better when the stripper is cryin'.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Pose a question and then it's 'user no longer on the site'.

I'd say total fake and YES it IS your problem."

She asked a genuine question. And also gave her reasons for deleting. Your post make you look fake

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’ve had this problem before...... for some reason just couldn’t keep it up when it came to sex. And it was absolutely nothing to do with the person putting me off. Not at all.

And, I put it down to psychological. The problem being the more you think about it, the more self fulfilling that prophecy becomes.

Bizarrely, it was only ever with one specific play mate, not with any others. Definitely in the mind, because you determine you won’t think about it, and then it’s all you can do to try not to go soft, and then you do.

My sympathies to those that suffer. I am glad it was only that one lady specifically I had it with and not a general condition for me.

How’s that for honesty?!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is a grey area that many resent conversing about.

I understand that in the eyes of a female (or partner), a guy who softens can spark a bout of self confidence issues but partners / women have to remember that a guys mind must be clear of a hell of a lot of negativity before it’s going to be constantly like a machine.

Anything big or small can affect a guys mind and because we’ve got to be ‘in the game’ for an erection to stay put (unless you’re on the old blueys) I just want to make sure that women understand that it’s not you... in any way..

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By *rsTrellisWoman
over a year ago

Cambridge

I think it’s worth having a fairly broad approach to sex so that you can have an awesome time with or without specific things happening. A lost erection needn’t mean the end of the fun providing both just shrug it off and get creative.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Does viagra really work? I sometimes suffer from “stage fright” and was wondering if that would help. Curious

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 05/03/18 02:52:03]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Previously I was always "on fire" but nerve damage means erections are very unreliable now.

Hope you don't mind me asking, but does nerve damage reduce blood flow to your lower body, not just your penis ?

I get numbness in my leg, and the most common cause is a lower back problem. Sometimes I have ED, not sure what is causing the problem.

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