FabSwingers.com forum: Alcoholic

By *aimeSmith OP TV/TS
over a year ago

Cliss

Simply at my wits end. What do you do with someone who's an alcoholic but can't see it? I say alcoholic, because I think a bottle of vodka a day, every day is possibly a problem!!!

My elder sister is ruining her life, and her kids but can't see the problem.

We're close, but she's always been very much the dominant one, and won't listen to me. When I challenge her, she just cuts me off and doesn't speak for days.

There's so much more to say.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Unfortunately you can't help those who don't think there's a problem, and won't help themselves.

Be there for your nieces/nephews, they're the ones who need the help more.

Until she reaches rock bottom there's not much you can do if she won't accept there's an issue.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Tough one. What approach have you tried? If you have a go at them or challenge the person then they may rebel. Trying to get someone to admit that they have a problem is the hardest.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *orkie321bWoman
over a year ago

Nottingham

From my experience there really isn't anything you can do to help someone who has a drink problem unless they recognise they have a problem themselves.

I spent 10 years living with a partner who was an alcoholic.

I tried and tried over the years to get him to see the problem and tackle it but the lure of the booze was stronger than anything else.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How old are the kids, can they encourage her to seek help?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *llfoursWoman
over a year ago

north east

Getting them to acknowledge they need help and accepting your help is the biggest problem. If you go in all guns blazing 9 times outta 10 they will rebel. But there’s only so much you can do, sometimes it is like banging your head against a brick wall, but just keep persevering and hopefully one day they will accept the help they need.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was seeing a girl for a few months who I fear was an alcoholic who didn't want to admit it. She just kept drinking even if I said I'd had enough.

Shame, because she was alright otherwise. Snored like a bitch, though!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It took me quite a while after I quit drink to realise that I probably had had quite a serious problem with it. And that;s the problem, it sneaks up on people particularly if they are pretty much functioning as normal.

Be blunt and tell her you think she has a problem and why, but pick your time and be supportive and not confrontational about it

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Lincs had a close friend whom had the same problem wouldn’t listen nor chat about unfortunately passed away a year ago nearly,such a terrible thing and shame to see it happening

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I know what your going through hun but you cant help someone who doesnt think they have a problem.. have they got any medical problems through drinking or maybe speak to a alcholic group on her behalf and get some suggestions through them x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Until she has the WANT to stop it will be difficult.

AA will be there when shes ready

AlAnon is the support group for family

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *andACouple
over a year ago

glasgow

To be honest if she's drinking a bottle of vodka a day then she knows she has a problem, but she doesn't want to attempt to address it. Be there for the kids.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Until she has the WANT to stop it will be difficult.

AA will be there when shes ready

AlAnon is the support group for family"

I second this. Contact AlAnon for yourself and take their advice.

Best wishes to you all.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *aimeSmith OP TV/TS
over a year ago

Cliss

Thank you all. I just feel so alone n this.

Yep, I've tried the direct confrontational approach and, yes, she's pushed me away. And in a way that isn't like her at all, which is so upsetting because it's very much out of character.

The kids are 8 and 6. The eldest knows when mummy is d*unk, but the youngest doesn't.

I've looked at Al Anon before and think it's time I engage with them.

Even though I'm a bloke in a frock, thank you, it's just horrible to see this happening to someone I love so much.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thank you all. I just feel so alone n this.

Yep, I've tried the direct confrontational approach and, yes, she's pushed me away. And in a way that isn't like her at all, which is so upsetting because it's very much out of character.

The kids are 8 and 6. The eldest knows when mummy is d*unk, but the youngest doesn't.

I've looked at Al Anon before and think it's time I engage with them.

Even though I'm a bloke in a frock, thank you, it's just horrible to see this happening to someone I love so much. "

Well good luck to you and hope you get help for You, kids and your sister.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Thank you all. I just feel so alone n this.

Yep, I've tried the direct confrontational approach and, yes, she's pushed me away. And in a way that isn't like her at all, which is so upsetting because it's very much out of character.

The kids are 8 and 6. The eldest knows when mummy is d*unk, but the youngest doesn't.

I've looked at Al Anon before and think it's time I engage with them.

Even though I'm a bloke in a frock, thank you, it's just horrible to see this happening to someone I love so much. "

It is horrible. As difficult as it is you might need to try and step back from your sister but be there for the children an alcoholic parent has a massive impact on their lives.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Honestly? You're going to hate me for saying this, but maybe it's time to bring in outside help? My parents had problems with alcohol and drug abuse, and everyone enabled them and it screwed up me and my siblings. So I'm saying this from the perspective of someone who has been there.

You can't help someone who isn't willing to admit they have a problem. But if it was me, I'd be sitting her down and giving it to her straight: "You have problems with alcohol. Your children deserve better than this. If you can't acknowledge your issues and seek help for their sake, I will need to consider going to social services and telling them that I am concerned."

It's harsh and it could destroy your relationship with her. But those children need to be protected, and sometimes people need to lose everything they have to realise how bad a situation really is.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *aimeSmith OP TV/TS
over a year ago

Cliss

Al Anon concurs with your advice, but it's just so hard to watch, and I just want to protect the kids as much as possible.

Thanks

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Al Anon concurs with your advice, but it's just so hard to watch, and I just want to protect the kids as much as possible.

Thanks"

How are the kids coping?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *aimeSmith OP TV/TS
over a year ago

Cliss

The eldest is aware when she is d*unk, but the youngest is oblivious.

He's beginning to develop that sense of responsibility for his sister when mummy is d*unk. Which I think is very sad.

It's just awful because she's such a nice girl when not in the grip of booze!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"The eldest is aware when she is d*unk, but the youngest is oblivious.

He's beginning to develop that sense of responsibility for his sister when mummy is d*unk. Which I think is very sad.

It's just awful because she's such a nice girl when not in the grip of booze!"

Difficult.

I have experience of a close family member and the effect their alcoholism had on their children. I'm afraid that I struggle to feel sympathy for the alcoholic despite knowing that its an illness because of what their dependence has done to their kids.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ugarplumpfairyWoman
over a year ago

scotland

Having had first hand experience of this, as hard as it is to do, you need to let them hit rock bottom before they’ll do anything about it

Such a horrible thing to watch I know x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *aimeSmith OP TV/TS
over a year ago

Cliss

To be fair, it's hard to know what rock bottom is. She's certainly plunging to a few depths. Morning school drop off while d*unk being a one of them.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"To be fair, it's hard to know what rock bottom is. She's certainly plunging to a few depths. Morning school drop off while d*unk being a one of them."

Is she driving?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Is there a addaction near by theu are brilliant, first step is admitting there's a problem possibly GP trust me it's hard I for addicted to valium and painkillers but got help and rehab been clean for 7 years

Good luck and God bless it's a difficult journey that only she can choose to start

But having support is a major factor in helping stay strong

Xxxxxx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Is there a addaction near by theu are brilliant, first step is admitting there's a problem possibly GP trust me it's hard I for addicted to valium and painkillers but got help and rehab been clean for 7 years

Good luck and God bless it's a difficult journey that only she can choose to start

But having support is a major factor in helping stay strong

Xxxxxx"

Excuse the terrible English !! Xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"To be fair, it's hard to know what rock bottom is. She's certainly plunging to a few depths. Morning school drop off while d*unk being a one of them."

I'm sorry for saying this I really am but thinking of kids and other people's safety. Phone the police if you suspect her of drink driving may be this will be the first step of her recognising the problem.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m afraid they have to admit the issue first and want to confront it I tried for over twenty years with my mother but she couldn’t or didn’t want to deal with it. Talk to her calmly don’t judge and be there for her and the kids don’t get angry or raise you’re voice or sound condescending as they just shut of and don’t listen hope you get through I didn’t and lost my mum three years ago because of it xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *aimeSmith OP TV/TS
over a year ago

Cliss

Good luck and God bless it's a difficult journey that only she can choose to start

But having support is a major factor in helping stay strong

Xxxxxx

Thanks Uther. I've found an Al Anon two miles away x

Excuse the terrible English !! Xx"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *aimeSmith OP TV/TS
over a year ago

Cliss

"I’m afraid they have to admit the issue first and want to confront it I tried for over twenty years with my mother but she couldn’t or didn’t want to deal with it. Talk to her calmly don’t judge and be there for her and the kids don’t get angry or raise you’re voice or sound condescending as they just shut of and don’t listen hope you get through I didn’t and lost my mum three years ago because of it xx"

Sorry to hear that Claymore x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Im sorry this might sounds abit harsh but if she is drinking a bottle off vodka a day infront off the kids you need to ring social services and get the kids help and then it might help her realise xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Alcohol, benzos are the only drugs that can kill you through withdrawal. Fact

Going cold Turkey is not the answer, especially when vodkas involved.

From my experience of alcohol services, the drinks diarys, cutting down on units, drinking weaker drinks. Complete waste of time if your alcoholic.

I had to go in rehab for a Detox to stop drinking. Thankfully it was a 12 step rehab that introduced me to aa.

Step 1

admitting your powerless over alcohol and your life has become unmanageable.

Getting my head round that saved my life.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Honestly? You're going to hate me for saying this, but maybe it's time to bring in outside help? My parents had problems with alcohol and drug abuse, and everyone enabled them and it screwed up me and my siblings. So I'm saying this from the perspective of someone who has been there.

It's harsh and it could destroy your relationship with her. But those children need to be protected, and sometimes people need to lose everything they have to realise how bad a situation really is."

to risky , welfare might take the kids away

the person is in denial , sister and two kids and as many other family members who know should sit down with her and nicely lay all the cards on the table , example , theres 6 of us sis , and you , we cant all be wrong , then progress from the first chat to visiting a rehab center, you can attend anonymously , ie dont give your real name , and progress that way.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ELLONS AND CREAMWoman
over a year ago

stourbridge area

6 people ganging up on her will not help ....it will just make her angry and push her family away

..you need to try to find out why she drinks ... there is always a reason , usually a deep seated reason .... she needs lots of support , love and understanding and then she may open up a little .

Its not fun being an alcoholic .

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ackDMissMorganCouple
over a year ago

Halifax

Sadly there's not much you can do

She needs to admit there's a problem and be open to getting help,my sister died of alcoholism so you have my sympathies.

Just be there for her when she does realise she has a problem and although it's tempting to have a go alot,try not to.It just made my sister drink even more.

Wish you and her luck

Miss xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Im sorry this might sounds abit harsh but if she is drinking a bottle off vodka a day infront off the kids you need to ring social services and get the kids help and then it might help her realise xx "

I totally agree. Social Services need to be called to protect the kids. At 8 and 6 they need protection.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *orticiaWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

"Unfortunately you can't help those who don't think there's a problem, and won't help themselves.

Be there for your nieces/nephews, they're the ones who need the help more.

Until she reaches rock bottom there's not much you can do if she won't accept there's an issue. "

100% this. I had a parent who was an alcoholic but never admitted or accepted that they needed help. All you can do is be there to support the kids & let them know you’re always there for them - and for her as & when she’s ready

Sending hugs - I know how hard it is to be in that position x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ara JTV/TS
over a year ago

Bristol East

"Thank you all. I just feel so alone n this.

Yep, I've tried the direct confrontational approach and, yes, she's pushed me away. And in a way that isn't like her at all, which is so upsetting because it's very much out of character.

The kids are 8 and 6. The eldest knows when mummy is d*unk, but the youngest doesn't.

I've looked at Al Anon before and think it's time I engage with them.

Even though I'm a bloke in a frock, thank you, it's just horrible to see this happening to someone I love so much. "

Your story is no more or less valid than anyone else's in here.

Alcoholism is an illness.

What is happening in this person's life that they need to numb the pain with a bottle of vodka?

Where is that pain coming from?

I agree with the other posts - until the person realises their state for themselves, there is little you can do other than to be there ready to pick up the pieces.

Hope this helps

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *olygodCouple
over a year ago

sandy

Sorry to hear about your situation.

There is little you can do about the alcoholic - they have to want to change themselves.

You and other members of your family can get support at Al Anon. I highly recommend it.

Feel free to messsge us if you’d like to

Sassy

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The eldest is aware when she is d*unk, but the youngest is oblivious.

He's beginning to develop that sense of responsibility for his sister when mummy is d*unk. Which I think is very sad.

It's just awful because she's such a nice girl when not in the grip of booze!"

They are probably more aware than you realise Me and my sister's grow up with our mum drinking a bottle of barcardi a day. All 3 of us in and out of children's homes and foster parents. It's not healthy for them and she needs help. My mum died at 42 from liver failure. Not something that was easy for us to deal with on our own.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *egs11ABCWoman
over a year ago

Aberdeen

My mum was an alcaholic amd died at 69.

All I remember from 12 years old is putting her to bed, looking for her in the middle of the night amd her spoiling every family function. The whole family tried everything but she didn't want to stop. I'm afraid there was nothing we cd do. I even videos her d*unk thinking it wd shame her into getting help asked her to do.it fornthe grandkids when we had kids

To no avail. I'm afraid she would want to need help. I feel for u x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it's virtually impossible to make someone else see they have an addiction issue unless they're ready to see it for themselves. All you can do is either keep trying to push them towards help or just let them know you're there if you're needed

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not all alcoholism is down to deep rooted issues.

My 24 hour drinking crept in slowly

The first drink set off a craving, good days, bad days, sunny day, pay day. I Didn't need a reason. I just needed to drink till I was unconscious. Get up,dry retching, vomiting, then start all over again.

Alcoholics anonymous helpline 08009177650

Talking to another alcoholic that's been in the same situation with the drink, your more likely to be open and honest about your own drinking.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *r TriomanMan
over a year ago

Chippenham Malmesbury area

I was drinking a bottle of whisky every 2 days. I had a beard codition and the concomitant ask me to consider stopping drinking; I did there and then - no problems at all. So I consider being an alcoholic not being able to stop and not a case of how much you drink on a daily basis.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ickyRoosterMan
over a year ago

Uppendown

"From my experience there really isn't anything you can do to help someone who has a drink problem unless they recognise they have a problem themselves.

I spent 10 years living with a partner who was an alcoholic.

I tried and tried over the years to get him to see the problem and tackle it but the lure of the booze was stronger than anything else. "

Unfortunately, this is my experience too. Alcoholics also become highly manipulative and deceitful. When I tried to help I was left feeling guilty for not trusting the person, having faith in them, supporting them. There was lots of tears and anguish but sadly the addiction won out. That doesn't mean it's a foregone conclusion. There are some excellent counselling services and support groups out there that administer 'tough love' as many of the counsellors are former addicts. I wasn't too keen on the AA but they might work for you and your loved one.

I wish you the very best of luck.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *traight up guyMan
over a year ago

Morpeth

I agree with all these comments. I saw it all in a good friend of mine. On the surface he had it all - a good wife and kids, a good business, mortgage paid off and a holiday home abroad. When his alcoholism set in he lost it all, got in trouble with the police and ended up in prison several times. I and others tried to help him constantly and get him the help that he needed but didn't want. He ended up in a homeless hostel and dying from the effects.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

Post new Message to Thread