FabSwingers.com forum: What would you do ............?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

As a married male on here you are often vilified for cheating it's very difficult to get responses to your messages let alone a meet for reasons I fully understand and appreciate. I have been in a great relationship for 20 years, however over the last few years my partner has completely lost all interest in sex, whereas I am and always have been highly sexed. It's as though she now finds it dirty. She will never instigate sex and it's always me who has to ask with the answer regularly no which is not good for ones self esteem or self confidence. Sex is hugely important to me I love it but would never pay for it. I have no desire to break up the relationship as aside from the physical aspects it is very strong. She refuses to talk about it as it is not important to her. Hence the reason I am on here, I am discreet as I have to be for both my job and personal circumstances. My profile is open and honest about my circumstances and I would be intrigued to know what others would do in my situation .........

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

get professional help so that the issue of physical contact can be openly discussed.

this may help your wife to understand how it makes you feel and vice versa you may understand why your wife isnt that fussed anymore

good luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its a tricky one, and I think anyone judging you harshly for still having sexual needs is being unfair.

We have a friend who is in exactly the same position, as soon as their child was born she decided there was no need for sex anymore. The kid is 8 now and she hasnt changed her mind. He might get a half hearted wank on his birthday, a non moving shag at Xmas but thats it. He doesnt want to leave her, but he still has his human needs.

He doesnt want to push her on the issue as sympathy sex would make him feel even worse.

I know he has met people for sex, and to be fair I cant blame him. There is no emotional involvement in it, its purely physical.

We even took him to Chams once to satify his needs, but it was almost empty when we got there! But Im a caring girl, he still went home with a VERY contented smile on his face!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"As a married male on here you are often vilified for cheating it's very difficult to get responses to your messages let alone a meet for reasons I fully understand and appreciate. I have been in a great relationship for 20 years, however over the last few years my partner has completely lost all interest in sex, whereas I am and always have been highly sexed. It's as though she now finds it dirty. She will never instigate sex and it's always me who has to ask with the answer regularly no which is not good for ones self esteem or self confidence. Sex is hugely important to me I love it but would never pay for it. I have no desire to break up the relationship as aside from the physical aspects it is very strong. She refuses to talk about it as it is not important to her. Hence the reason I am on here, I am discreet as I have to be for both my job and personal circumstances. My profile is open and honest about my circumstances and I would be intrigued to know what others would do in my situation ........."

I (Dave) was in exactly the same position as you on another site and never had an actual meet where anything took place, however I did get to make some great friends and a full on meet was very much on the cards. The one thing I did enjoy however was meeting up for a cuppa and a chat with some members, surely thi alone increases your rep. and chances for the future for all involved.

Now, on here as a couple, we have only met married men and that is not a problem for us, so I think the married folk have to be seriously honest and up front and really get involved on the forums, that way folk get to know you and the ice is already being broken

It does work

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think I`m living on a different planet..

A couple of responses have left me lost fer words...

How people manage to hold onto their self esteem and sense of personal integrity is beyond me...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Deny someone their basic needs and see how much that does for their self esteem.

Being told day in and day out by your partner "No, I am not interested in having sex with you" absolutely destroys your self esteem.

Personal integrity? As you state, its personal, so you cant really measure how and if they hold onto it.

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By *azmissy67Woman
over a year ago

welshpool area

I was married for twenty years and must admit my sex drive disappeared - looking after our four children and my husband working away Monday to Friday tired me out and tbh sex was the last thing on my mind. My husband didnt see it like that and to cut a long story short he found fun when he was working away which was obviously more exciting than me. When i finally moved to be closer so he didnt have to work away our relationship had died and within six months he had left and moved in with one of his gfs - i would add he has had several since. Looking back we should have chatted and maybe swinging could have saved the marriage - its nearly five years since he left and now the kids are older and i have time to myself my sex drive is well and truly back. So what I'm saying to the op perhaps talking to his wife and suggesting the idea of swinging she may warm to the idea - even if its just soft swap or just watching on cam it may ignite a flicker of a flame inside her because at the mo it sounds like you have a relationship that is strong in other areas just one part of it needs fixing x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Deny someone their basic needs and see how much that does for their self esteem.

Being told day in and day out by your partner "No, I am not interested in having sex with you" absolutely destroys your self esteem.

Personal integrity? As you state, its personal, so you cant really measure how and if they hold onto it.

I haven`t any time fer a victim mentality...

Life and relationships come with responsiblities...

You attempt to patronise me is indicitive of yer own ability to assume and disregard others feelings...

How the fuck do you know if I don`t understand the feelings that arise from a crap sex life..

I won`t say much else ...suffice to say...

I left a relationship with a lady I dearly loved....its demanded courage and honesty...

It wasn`t the path of least resistance..I tried everything in my power to work at the issues involved...

Lastly, how you can justify stepping into the middle of a relationship and playing God, and appear comfortable with that is frankly astonishing...

You appear to look down at the wife, with what appears to be contempt...yer actions are deplorable...

You are welcome to block me...I want no part of yer lifestyle thanks..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You attempt to patronise me is indicitive of yer own ability to assume and disregard others feelings...

Not trying to patronise, just pointing out the fact that maybe not everybody has the same self serving self righteous holier than thou outlook that you do.

Looking at the anger in your reply, looks like you have a lot of issues that you havent dealt with. Probably best not come on here passing judgement on others when you so obviously still have issues with yourself.

Im not going to bother blocking you, that would suggest that I have given anything you have said enough credence for it to actually bother me.

How about you have a cup of tea and sit in the sun, it may get rid of some of the pent up anger and bile that you seem to be storing!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Posts like this annoy the hell out of me as the cheater ALWAYS blames the partner. No one has to justify their actions. We all know there are people that seek extra marital fun but the "wife doesn't understand me etc" excuse is rather pathetic. Bleating about a non existent sex life to garner sympathy is indicative of the type of person who will be "honest" with strangers but not their partner.

Do what you need to do to satisfy your needs but please spare us the sob story and try and dig up an ounce of integrity from somewhere and don't blame your wife for being here.

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By *edangel_2013Woman
over a year ago

southend

Swinging should never be used to patch up a relationship.

If the op's wife has no interest in having sex with him, and thinks it is dirty, she is not going to be impressed at having sex with others!!!!!!!!!

To the op, I personally wouldn't meet with you for sex, but there are others on the site that would.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You attempt to patronise me is indicitive of yer own ability to assume and disregard others feelings...

Not trying to patronise, just pointing out the fact that maybe not everybody has the same self serving self righteous holier than thou outlook that you do.

Im not going to bother blocking you, that would suggest that I have given anything you have said enough credence for it to actually bother me.

How about you have a cup of tea and sit in the sun, it may get rid of some of the pent up anger and bile that you seem to be storing!

You appear to have difficuly relating to feelings..

I have no anger....or issues per se...I have peace within my soul...I can look anyone in the eye...openly and honestly...

Could you say the same in regard to the wife of yer friend ?

If you construe behaving in an adult manner..being holier than tho...so be it...as always its the first retort of those confronted with their actions..

Yer attempt at deflection, is obvious and childish..you haven`t owned any of yer behaviour that you seem proud of...nay ...caring ?..really

Anyways..I feel done with this..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Before I ever thought about swinging I'd make sure, no matter what obstacles or excuses were given or how many tears were shed, to talk, talk and then talk some more.

Communication is the key and if that fails then get counselling, even if it means inviting the councillor to your home.

Personally I'd put my love for Trace way above sex and never do anything behind her back that I knew would hurt her if she found out.

You say you have a very strong relationship that you want to preserve, in that case what you have to ask yourself is "Which is the most important, sex or your relationship?".

If its the relationship then forget about sex and communicate, no matter how painful or uncomfortable your wife finds it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have no anger....or issues per se...I have peace within my soul...I can look anyone in the eye...openly and honestly...

Could you say the same in regard to the wife of yer friend ?

You might want to re-read your original response if you think theres no sense of anger in it.

My responsibilities are not to my friend or his wife. It is not my job or responsibility to have to make every moral judgement required to be able to look them in the eye. They will do whatever they do, irrelevant of whether I approve and can look them in the eye.

If you construe behaving in an adult manner..being holier than tho...so be it...as always its the first retort of those confronted with their actions..

Funny that, I usually _iew people who dictate they are the only one acting in an adult manner as the people who have the issue with their actions being confronted. "Your actions do not agree with mine, therefore I am the adult, and you are the irresponsible child!". Oh do behave, that just makes you look like an ineffective parent.

Yer attempt at deflection, is obvious and childish..you haven`t owned any of yer behaviour that you seem proud of...nay ...caring ?..really

Havent owned any of my behaviour? Peculiar.. most people interpret someone openly admitting their actions to be the act of owning their behaviour.

Oh hang, I just remembered, you can only operate in the parent / child environment where anything other than agreement with you is immature denial!!

Anyways..I feel done with this..

You couldnt help yourself replying though could you!!

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By *awnpaulCouple
over a year ago

Hounslow

My first wife and I didn't have sex for nearly a year for a number of reasons. I thought about 'playing away' more than once, but couldn't do it to her. She eventually caught me in the bathroom with a naughty book and was quite shocked about it, didn't say anything but that night she came close to me for the first time in ages and we slowly got our sex life back, it was a beautiful evening and wonderful to start communicating physically again. It's hard, feeling rejected can make it difficult to talk openly with your partner about how you are feeling cos the fear of yet more rejection makes one defensive and clam up more, forcing you further apart. I think you have to talk, as hard as that may be. If you are playing around, or even thinking of it, she probably senses as much and is also feeling rejected, making the distance between you greater, and harder to bridge. If everything else in the relationship is good, then the spark that turned you from friends to lovers must still be there somewhere, a little effort in finding it on both parts is the way to go, not looking elsewhere. Just my opinion

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By *emima_puddlefuckCouple
over a year ago

hexham

Go to counselling together or visit an escort.

The first would be the better solution.No one goes off sex for no reason, if you loved her you would be concerned about her, not just meeting your needs here.

It is not just a fact of life that a womans libido declines with age...are there kids ,work, attractiveness issues.Is it you, do you make her feel sexy and wanted?

You say she treats sex as something dirty.Have you explored the reasons why

Put the time you spend on here into being her husband!

i write here from experience, after my kids were born i went off sex totally ,kev worked on my confidence,waited and was patient...the outcome is obvious.

Currently he is taking a break from swinging, do i berate him, cheat on him or ignore his needs?Or do i remember that a marriage is a partnership,for better or worse....

The second would at least be a way to scratch your itch,rather than being on a site where people value honesty .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have no anger....or issues per se...I have peace within my soul...I can look anyone in the eye...openly and honestly...

Could you say the same in regard to the wife of yer friend ?

You might want to re-read your original response if you think theres no sense of anger in it.

If you construe behaving in an adult manner..being holier than tho...so be it...as always its the first retort of those confronted with their actions..

Yer attempt at deflection, is obvious and childish..you haven`t owned any of yer behaviour that you seem proud of...nay ...caring ?..really

Havent owned any of my behaviour? Peculiar.. most people interpret someone openly admitting their actions to be the act of owning their behaviour.

Oh hang, I just remembered, you can only operate in the parent / child environment where anything other than agreement with you is immature denial!!

Anyways..I feel done with this..

You couldnt help yourself replying though could you!!

What you interepted as anger was disgust..if I`m honest...

The rest of yer deflection and rationalisation isn`t worth my energy..except to say..yes I do find you immature..

I find your lack of empathy and responsibility shocking...

To the OP...I would suggest working as hard as you can at communicating with your wife, and being honest!!...and making choices from there...

Theres plenty of help available, its not uncommon to have your difficulties..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Blah blah etc

So you came back then?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have read all the repsonses and am not going to comment on them..

I am just going to give my reply to the OP.

Not wanting sex is something I could never understand... As its something I need the same as I need air to breathe and food.. without it I get moody, depressed and actually struggle with concentration etc....

So I will answer from how I would be...

Now for a start, Master and I talk so much that Id know why Master wasnt able to or in the mood for it... but Master happens to like watching me.. but not sure without our interaction afterwards that I would enjoy it.

However I am about to have a few months where I will not physically be able to have penetrative sex... I would not expect my Master to go without, why would I... and I find women that have husbands that they wont give anything to very silly if they believe that the men will happily go without.. Yes they may be loving and devoted.. but needs are needs..and its a basic requirement.

If more couples that got to this were to perhaps think outside the box.. you would see more couples happy..and of course I mean this along side trying to work out whats wrong in the first place.

Men are not guilt free in this though.. many seem to think that us women should just be able to suddenly become a sex goddess when required..

I at one point had 4 under 10s.. a full time job, house to keep and a disabled child in that lot.. yet still always wore nice underwear and would eb the one to start it..but thats just me.

You do what is right for you. I personally only wont meet a married man if he tries to tell me he is single, or tries to slag his wife off.. If he is up front and honest then I have no problems.

I would suggest talking first... and you may find she finds it a relief... but you may find she cant see why you would want her.. in which case asking to invite another woman in will make it worse..

Cali x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This thread seems to have been hijacked by others, and I don't want to get in the middle of that particular argument, but to the OP.....

I really think you need to take a long hard look at your relationship, you say somewhere that other than physical it is good and then go on to say that your wife will not discuss as it is 'not her problem' your words I know, but that does not sound like a good relationship to me!

Also without wishing to patronise maybe you just need to give your wife more attention and appreciation outside the bedroom I am a huge believer that foreplay for a woman starts way before you get there!

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By *emima_puddlefuckCouple
over a year ago

hexham

"I have read all the repsonses and am not going to comment on them..

I am just going to give my reply to the OP.

So I will answer from how I would be...

If more couples that got to this were to perhaps think outside the box.. you would see more couples happy..and of course I mean this along side trying to work out whats wrong in the first place.

Men are not guilt free in this though.. many seem to think that us women should just be able to suddenly become a sex goddess when required..

I at one point had 4 under 10s.. a full time job, house to keep and a disabled child in that lot.. yet still always wore nice underwear and would eb the one to start it..but thats just me.

You do what is right for you. I personally only wont meet a married man if he tries to tell me he is single, or tries to slag his wife off.. If he is up front and honest then I have no problems.

I would suggest talking first... and you may find she finds it a relief... but you may find she cant see why you would want her.. in which case asking to invite another woman in will make it worse..

Cali x"

massive hug xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Blah blah etc

So you came back then?

Two points I`d like you to make clear if you please...

1..To whom are you replying ?...

2..Where did you quote this from ?...I`ve read this thread twice and can`t find the connection..

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

Sounds like you would both benefit if your communication improved, even if your sex life didn't.

I'm not particularly judgmental of others - unless they're wasting my time/abusing me etc, so have no position, other than that each of us should find our own way in life, make our own rules etc, if we're not hurting others.

My guess is that if both of you were more able to communicate, without there being no-go topics of conversation etc, then you may open a path leading to some more sexual contact together: but I don't know you, and this does depend on our individual motivations etc. It could be wishful thinking, and psychologists would tell us that she's getting something from not being intimate sexually, so it would be important for her to either resolve this, or else find other ways of satisfying those needs/be satisfied to a greater extent by something else. Right now you're stuck, where intimacy is limited: both at a mental and physical level, and improving this should help you both feel more loved and closer. Getting sexual satisfaction, especially if there is resistance to progressing, is another story, but there are many who are less bothered by other's marital attachments etc. Good luck!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"As a married male on here you are often vilified for cheating .... Sex is hugely important to me I love it but would never pay for it.... I would be intrigued to know what others would do in my situation ........."

I would pay for it, whilst working with my partner to resolve our relationship problems.

This would save you an enormous amount of time, which you could devote to your wife to help bring you closer together. It would also save you from 'vilification' from people on here who see a clear difference between cheating and swinging.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I find it very unusual that after being in such a good relationship you can't talk to each other about this problem, have you ever thought it may be your partner that could be bored of the same monotonous sex routine for the 20 years?

Just a thought!

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By *emima_puddlefuckCouple
over a year ago

hexham

I would pay for it, whilst working with my partner to resolve our relationship problems.

Yeah, i love the fact he sees the woman on here as free...there only advantage

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By *innamon!Woman
over a year ago

no matter

It really isnt unusual at all not to be able to talk about sex or lack of or problems of that sort .. in fact I think the longer you are married the less you talk . this is evident on mr and mrs .. young couples know everything when asked questions but infact married 40 years you know very little.. we stopped having sex one day 18 years ago and have never spoken of it since.it just died. the relationship too pretty much.I can talk to anyone on line but would never dream of discussing any thing with hubby, we would both be far too embarrassed. so I understand where the guy is coming from and his need for some sort of comfort without hurting our partners feelings. Its very lonely living this life believe me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

having read through the other responses on the op's thread, i too am going to ignore the catfighting between two fabsters

To the op.....I dont have any moral judgements to make of you, cos if im honest, my own behaviour in the past would make me a hypocrite!

I agree with other posters that trying again to talk to ur wife and sorting the lack of sex or at the very least intimacy out, is far better than being on here behind her back. Cos lets face it...if she ever found out what ur up to, i assume it would be ur otherwise happy marriage over!!

However, saying that, it takes both people in a marriage to actually want to be open and discuss problems.

I wonder if the other fabsters reading ur post have considered what you (the op) are supposed to do, if your wife totally refuses point blank to discuss, or do anything to improve the physical side of your marriage???

Good luck op

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

[Removed by poster at 03/10/11 20:42:14]

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

you have to look into 2 sets of eyes...

your wife's

your own...

if you can do and feel easy about it, continue.

if not, at least speak to her one more time and explain the need and the impact of your needs...

the very least you can do.

good luck

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By *innamon!Woman
over a year ago

no matter

Personally I dont want to know any more nor would i ever ask .. I would rather just let it be. if he finds solace in another womans arms he deserves it im sure he missing the affection that i miss. If i find someone that wants to hold me then let it be.. I am passed discussion.

( someone help me here ... past ? or passed ) I never know without looking it up.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Personally I dont want to know any more nor would i ever ask .. I would rather just let it be. if he finds solace in another womans arms he deserves it im sure he missing the affection that i miss. If i find someone that wants to hold me then let it be.. I am passed discussion.

( someone help me here ... past ? or passed ) I never know without looking it up. "

Past I think!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

( someone help me here ... past ? or passed ) I never know without looking it up.

Past I think!"

I hope you are not as sad as you sound!xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

( someone help me here ... past ? or passed ) I never know without looking it up. "

Theres a tenor to yer post I find very sad...I understand, having been in the same lonely place...

Its the heartbreak that spouces face when they discover the betrayal, that saddens me more tho..

Hope you find yer peace x

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By *emima_puddlefuckCouple
over a year ago

hexham

( someone help me here ... past ? or passed ) I never know without looking it up. "

Deserves suggests earned, and how do we know how anyone deserves affection, which is a strange thing to look for on a swinging site

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By *innamon!Woman
over a year ago

no matter

( someone help me here ... past ? or passed ) I never know without looking it up.

Deserves suggests earned, and how do we know how anyone deserves affection, which is a strange thing to look for on a swinging site

I live with him .. I know he deserves to be happy. .. . I didnt say I was looking for anything here.. I wouldnt presume to find anything so mundane here .I come here cos im interested ..dont suppose we all HAVE to be swingers do we ??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"...I wonder if the other fabsters reading ur post have considered what you (the op) are supposed to do, if your wife totally refuses point blank to discuss, or do anything to improve the physical side of your marriage???"

I too would be very interested in the answer to this? I am in very much in the same situation as the OP. Only difference really is that I'm not married and my partner and I have spoken about the issue many many times. I have made my feelings known, and he his, and promises to make more of an effort on both sides have abounded. But nothing. Nada. Zip. Nothing's changed. I adore him and I know he does me, I've even started the counselling route. I don't know what else to try quite frankly, apart from leave him. I just don't want to do that but I need sex in my life.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

All I can say is that in the same situation I would be slowly going insane, losing a big part of my that I simply would not be willing to give up.

However (and not to judge your situation or the debayes you will have undoutedly had with her) id have to give her an ultimatum. Either do what it takes to sort it out (counselling, sex theripy or whatever) or im going to get what I need elswhere. Then thats it.

I have a friend in the same situation. But its come much earlier, in fact it seems she tricked him into marriage (admitted it actually) and then said no way im not into it. Now i will never advocate cheating in a loving relationship or at the times when ones going through its bad patches. But with him im encouraging it! Makes me a bad person i guess but we're only here once.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This same topic comes up wayyyy too often.Simple fact really is that some people just do not want to play a part in playing without the persons partner consenting to it and I think those who don't wish to participate should not be dissed for not speaking to you.I have seen many profiles that say they are happy to meet married men or woman so maybe you should refine your search.

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By *emima_puddlefuckCouple
over a year ago

hexham

( someone help me here ... past ? or passed ) I never know without looking it up.

Deserves suggests earned, and how do we know how anyone deserves affection, which is a strange thing to look for on a swinging site

oh no, on a swinging site it wud be too much to ask that the people here be interested in honest open nsa sex

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By *emima_puddlefuckCouple
over a year ago

hexham

All I can say is that in the same situation I would be slowly going insane, losing a big part of my that I simply would not be willing to give up.

You see this is why i am so blunt on this, i have been around quite a while and yet to meet anyone willing to give the ultimatum. Anything for an easy life seems to be the code, why rock the boat when the bills are paid and/ or the house kept tidy.

i dont know what these peoples idea of a relationship is, but it is light years away from mine, and i wish they they wud stop asking for sympathy for the choices they make.

Your friend needs to man up, an adult is not tricked.

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