FabSwingers.com forum: Sex drive vs grief

By *arlo82 OP Couple
over a year ago

the gym and random places

I spoke to a good friend of mine.. just wondered what other people have been through.

I lost my mum to cancer very recently and I know I'm still grieving....i went to the gym today and I'm horny. Not I want a random horny but I want sex. Maybe it's the closeness. Should I feel guilty for wanting this while grieving?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I spoke to a good friend of mine.. just wondered what other people have been through.

no as im the same, i lost my mom dec 15th

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

On a subconcious level I would guess the urge to procreate kicks in when facing mortality.

From my own experience, when I lost each of my grandparents, I just wanted to fuck. When I was about to cum I pulled out, whipped off the condom to watch my seed spill over the lady in question. It isn't someting I normally do or have the desire to do. Subconciously I was trying to produce the next generation, but as bareback is never an option, spilling my seed unfettered was the closest I was going to get.

Don't feel guilty, the mind is a complex thing and it doesn't always play by it's own rules.

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By *ants_Nerdy_CoupleCouple
over a year ago

Havant

No, you shouldn't feel guilty for that any more than you should feel guilty for feeling hungry.

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By *arlo82 OP Couple
over a year ago

the gym and random places

I have no desire to procreate... Maybe I want to feel something as right now I feel numb

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 16/01/18 15:35:48]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have no desire to procreate... Maybe I want to feel something as right now I feel numb "

i feel like this, i decided to stop meeting ( i havent been meeting since nov) and have time for me, see friends and self play

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By *uciyassMan
over a year ago

sheffield

You shouldn’t feel guilty at all. It’s just perhaps your way of release alongside a high desire to have sex. Thier is nothing wrong with it so don’t beat yourself up. Just do what you want. Your grieving , memories will always be thier no matter what you do. As they say when you fall off your bike you just get back on again.

Take care hugs and kisses x

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By *ransGuyTV/TS
over a year ago

Cardiff

Should you feel guilty for wanting to feel pleasure and closeness after/during a time of huge sadness?

No!

Should you feel guilty for having normal human needs?

No.

There are no x amount of days that you need to give up sex after a loved one dies so why not have some fun? Release the tension? Start the healing process? You've just experienced how short life can be. Don't hold back from getting whatever pleasure you can out of this life, it will be over before you know it. Celebrate life, live!

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By *orticiaWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

I’d echo all of the above. The brain & body work is odd ways - but whatever gets you through it is the right thing. We are all different in how we deal & process grief.

Do what’s right for you (both of you) and don’t feel guilty for surviving.

It’s 5 years for me; I lost both my parents in a matter of weeks. You just go on autopilot & do whatever you need to get you through each day. There’s no right & wrong answer.

Sending you both big hugs & lots of love xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I lost my Fiancé almost 3 years ago, after losing my mum 4 years before, and after almost letting myself die with him my sex drive went through the roof. I felt absolutely nothing nice, my emotions were ice cold and sex was the only thing that made me feel anything normal/nice. I didn't want to be with anyone but needed sex almost as much as I needed to breathe some days....it is a little better now even tho the sex drive has remained. I kinda miss being her, emotion has done me no favours and has put me off making any kind if commitment to anyone again but made me love people again too...grief is fucked up

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It a comedy film called the wedding crashers i know it's just a film but it's shows how grief and your sex drive get messed up. So sorry to hear your loss

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By *arlo82 OP Couple
over a year ago

the gym and random places

"Should you feel guilty for wanting to feel pleasure and closeness after/during a time of huge sadness?

No!

Should you feel guilty for having normal human needs?

No.

It does bring morality and the short nature of life into mind.

My wee mum was only 59. Not old by any stretch of the imagination .

Carpe diem I guess is the best to follow.

I was just struggling thinking it maybe meant I was grieving incorrectly.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Should you feel guilty for wanting to feel pleasure and closeness after/during a time of huge sadness?

No!

Should you feel guilty for having normal human needs?

No.

Beautifully written.

I have found grief, sex and (for me) the need to procreate deeply intertwined. This post says what I was struggling to get into compassionate words.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No you shouldn’t feeling guilty x just take time for you x

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By *ave3058Man
over a year ago

southampton & playa del ingles

I had bowel cancer operation in November,& haven’t been able 2 have sex ,so no don’t feel guilty at all ,all the best

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not at all... I would think this was a very natural instinct to be honest. It's comforting.

Really sorry for your loss OP x

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

"I spoke to a good friend of mine.. just wondered what other people have been through.

Sex is a great stress reliever and bereavement is a huge stress, so it's not really surprising. Let your body tell you what it wants to help it cope.

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

Goodness OP, don't feel guilty and beat yourself up about it.

Grieving is a long, difficult process. If you need sex, you need sex. Maybe subconsciously you think that if you are with a guy it might help to lift you a bit after what would have been a traumatic time x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Totally don't feel guilty .. people deal with things in different ways and grieve differently to one another.. nothing wrong with feeling horny

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By *arlo82 OP Couple
over a year ago

the gym and random places

Mission to find sex is on then! Easier said than done! Thank you all tho x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Haha can't be that hard

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

"Mission to find sex is on then! Easier said than done! Thank you all tho x"

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By *arlo82 OP Couple
over a year ago

the gym and random places

"Haha can't be that hard

Hmmmm is sometimes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Haha can't be that hard

Hmmmm is sometimes "

Surely there is plenty around here ha

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

"Haha can't be that hard

Hmmmm is sometimes

Surely there is plenty around here ha "

Depends what you're looking for. It's really difficult finding quality guys

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not at all hon.

It's something I've heard friends say through bereavement. I think it's the closeness and human contact that is craved.

Thinking of you x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Haha can't be that hard

Hmmmm is sometimes

Surely there is plenty around here ha

Depends what you're looking for. It's really difficult finding quality guys

Look ne further haha

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm sorry for your loss. What you're feeling is perfectly natural, a desire for connection and release at a stressful time.

I just lost my FIL, made some bad decisions on one-off meets when I knew he was going and only exhaustion stopped me doing some silly on the day itself. Try to be kind to yourself and just accept the feelings x

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By *arlo82 OP Couple
over a year ago

the gym and random places

"Not at all hon.

It's something I've heard friends say through bereavement. I think it's the closeness and human contact that is craved.

Thinking of you x "

Thank you lovely x

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By *arlo82 OP Couple
over a year ago

the gym and random places

"I'm sorry for your loss. What you're feeling is perfectly natural, a desire for connection and release at a stressful time.

That makes sense... Hence my apprehension of any dick'll do. I mean yes I want that release and to connect and be beside another human. I don't want some wee eejit who won't even play with my boobs to fuck and go after shooting his load 3 mins into meeting

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

"On a subconcious level I would guess the urge to procreate kicks in when facing mortality.

Don't feel guilty, the mind is a complex thing and it doesn't always play by it's own rules."

There was a paper on this supporting need to prcreateb at a subconscious level, cognitively you don’t, yet there is the subconscious drive.

Can’t think who wrote it to reference it.

Can’t remember the one on forgetfulness either....

Sorry, what was the question.

To me there is something about filling a gap, balancing emotion/intelligent/physical equilibrium.

I know it happened to me, twice now.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Tough one to answer. I lost my wife 14 months ago. I think I’ve only just started to feel normal now which is why I joined this site.

In all honesty I probably going to be grieving for quite a while yet but being on here does make me feel slightly more human

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it’s a perfectly normal reaction. Whenever I have grief or issues that cause stress I have to really rein myself in from going ‘shag mental’. For me the lure is the escapism. Even if only for a little while.

I hope you find what you need op

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By *orticiaWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

Threads like this almost restore my faith in human nature. I love how everyone is so willing to share their thoughts, experiences, grief to help others get through.

Big hugs to anyone who’s gone or going through it. OP I hope you can use the information to help you xxxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Threads like this almost restore my faith in human nature. I love how everyone is so willing to share their thoughts, experiences, grief to help others get through.

Big hugs to anyone who’s gone or going through it. OP I hope you can use the information to help you xxxx"

^ My thoughts exactly. Certainly gave me a lump in the throat and food for thought.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OP there’s no right or wrong way to deal with things, you do what feels right for you, whether that be sex, gym or just shutting out life. Xx

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By *arlo82 OP Couple
over a year ago

the gym and random places

Thank you! I don't feel as guilty now. There isn't a guide or book as to what I'm meant to feel when. I guess I just have to take it one day at a time x

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By *untimes6969Man
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

"Thank you! I don't feel as guilty now. There isn't a guide or book as to what I'm meant to feel when. I guess I just have to take it one day at a time x"

You’ve hit the nail on the head, just go at you’re own pace, take support when needed in whatever way it helps you. Most people will try to help but be careful as some won’t understand the issues involved - ignore anyone who isn’t naturally sympathetic or empathetic! Be strong as you can but take help as you need it!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Should I feel guilty for wanting this while grieving? "

So sorry for your loss x

At such a time, even eating or laughing can bring up feelings of guilt.. any form of pleasure or sustaining ourselves can remind us that we are alive and that makes us feel less connected to our loved one who has recently passed. Some stay close to their loved one in their mind so much that they imagine that they have passed too and are lying with their loved one. We just don't want to live in at that at this stage.

Think of how mum would hope that you're not sad and guilty. Think of how she'd want you to live a happy life. That's what all parents worry about the most, that their children will be happy. In time you will begin to accept that you are not betraying mum by seeking pleasure but rather that your mum would hate to know that you would even deny yourself.

I wish you peace and comfort at this time... and pleasure and happiness xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh, and the desire to have sex after the death of a loved one comes from a natural primal urge to reproduce and bring new life. It's a survival instinct and nothing to feel guilty about. We're made to survive and so wanting sex after a death is all about ensuring we don't go extinct.

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By *sRedbbwWoman
over a year ago

Amwythig

I always get grief horn. It's great I embrace it.

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By *sRedbbwWoman
over a year ago

Amwythig

"I always get grief horn. It's great I embrace it. "

Edit. When I lost my dad, I spent the night in bed with an 18 year old. Kinda funny when he recognised pictures of my oldest nephew on the walls (they went to school together)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When my husband died suddenly, my need for sex was as bad as my need to be with him. I was shocked and disgusted with myself when just 3 weeks after the funeral I found my release. I then spoke to my G.P who organised counselling, when I found the courage to tell them what I had done their response surprised me. They said for some people it’s a totally normal response to grief, a need for close human contact, a need to express a emotion other than pain. Please don’t feel guilty, go with it x

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By *arlo82 OP Couple
over a year ago

the gym and random places

I have to think those that have made me not feel guilty about needing that closeness and comfort. I don't have anyone to connect with but glad it's a normal feeling considering most of the time I feel numb

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By *uteLittleGeekWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere

"I'm sorry for your loss. What you're feeling is perfectly natural, a desire for connection and release at a stressful time.

I read your forum post and I understand you completely .

I lost my dad all of a sudden 2 years ago and it changed me completely .I feel big part of me died .

Dealing with loss is so difficult to explain to people who never gone through it . It’s something out of our control .

I still feel how I felt when I got a sad news . I feel my soul had been taken out and I feel constant sandness and pain . I still can’t and don’t want to accept I lost him .

I can tell you it is not wrong how you feel and what do you feel at times .

Most of the times I feel I want to curl up and get stoked and just fall asleep next to someone who would make me feel safe . Not love or sex just to be cuddled .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why would you feel guilty?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When hubby lost his mum a few yrs back he wanted to have sex constantly...even wanting us to go to clubs and arrange meets more urgently than normal. I was the one who held back....

It was his way of getting it out of his system and looking back I wish I'd have gone along with it

Don't feel guilty at all and do what makes YOU happy xx

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By *lanPartridgeMan
over a year ago

nottingham

"I spoke to a good friend of mine.. just wondered what other people have been through.

When I lost my Dad the same thing happened. I wonder if it's a biological thing of compelling us to attempt to repopulate if someone's gone... However you get through it is right for you... I'm sorry for your loss x

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By *arlo82 OP Couple
over a year ago

the gym and random places

"I spoke to a good friend of mine.. just wondered what other people have been through.

Apparently it is. The need for close contact. Thank you....i don't know if it is right for me. All I know is right now I need it x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sorry to hear about you people's loses

I was similar when I lost a family member, after the funeral a family friend was at the wake and came home with me we were just sat having a drink and before we knew it we were in bed. I think it was the closeness it was like a comfort for both of us. It felt right and that was the only time me and her had sex. So don't feel bad, everyone is different but in a weird way that night helped us both and now we're actually closer friends than before.

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