FabSwingers.com forum: Safe word...

By *onforming_deviant OP Woman
over a year ago

hull

Good day fellow fabbers

I pose a question on safe words during play.

Now this site can be a little full on, horny conversation can escalate quickly and I feel sometimes the bar of expectations is set quite high for women by single males.

I was recently involved in a situation

Now i dont believe a safe word would actually have changed how i was treated

But it had been discussed via messaging prior to our 'social'

I declined a safe word... Explaining i wanted a situation where i felt listened too and if he wasnt the sort of person to listen and communicate then i wouldnt want to play.

So my question is this, if someone asks if you want one should you always say yes just incase?

Thankyou for reading, i hope your responses offer some insight.

Happy Fabbing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'd say yes a safe word is always a good idea, I'd feel guilty if I did something to upset someone and they didn't have an effective way to stop me immediately. Besides, with safe words people can cry and do all sorts in the bedroom and you know that as long as he/she has uttered the safe-word then its all good.

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By *weeSeekoeieCouple
over a year ago

Richmond

"Good day fellow fabbers

I pose a question on safe words during play.

Now this site can be a little full on, horny conversation can escalate quickly and I feel sometimes the bar of expectations is set quite high for women by single males.

I was recently involved in a situation

Now i dont believe a safe word would actually have changed how i was treated

But it had been discussed via messaging prior to our 'social'

I declined a safe word... Explaining i wanted a situation where i felt listened too and if he wasnt the sort of person to listen and communicate then i wouldnt want to play.

So my question is this, if someone asks if you want one should you always say yes just incase?

Thankyou for reading, i hope your responses offer some insight.

Happy Fabbing"

I'd hope a safe word would be respected, and hope I'd never get into a situation where it wasn't. SORRY to hear you were.

I always listen to gut instincts about the person even before meeting. If ANYTHING doesn't feel right, I refuse to meet, no explanation necessary.

I hope you are OK. Need someone to talk to? PM me anytime.

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By *onforming_deviant OP Woman
over a year ago

hull

So every situation... Always have one then

What your using as an example is quite... Full on bdsm play.

As i explained this was a social.. a first meet... New acquaintance...

Does a safe word serve to replace listening to the submissive/second player??

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By *weeSeekoeieCouple
over a year ago

Richmond

"So every situation... Always have one then

What your using as an example is quite... Full on bdsm play.

As i explained this was a social.. a first meet... New acquaintance...

Does a safe word serve to replace listening to the submissive/second player??"

It doesn't matter what type of play it is....if you don't enjoy it, the other party should respect your wishes.

End of.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wouldn't have thought to use a safe word in regular sex or social situations (not sure if that's whay you mean) a simple "stop" should suffice. In some cases of bdsm play a safe word is obviously used

I hope you are ok? Xx

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By *easing_twoCouple
over a year ago

Bristol, Thornbury

We have a safe word for in and out of play. So if one.of us doesn't like where it's going we can slip it in discretely to stop things. We have used it once to stop play going further. The guy we was with didn't even notice.

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By *ighland gentlemanMan
over a year ago

Ardgay

"So every situation... Always have one then

What your using as an example is quite... Full on bdsm play.

As i explained this was a social.. a first meet... New acquaintance...

Does a safe word serve to replace listening to the submissive/second player??"

Am trying to envisage why a safe word would be necessary on a social meet.

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By *j48Man
over a year ago

Wigan

People unfortunately aren't mind readers and even the most tuned in "couple" could misinterpret what's happening as being liked-enjoyed and it isn't..

There's game playing involved sometimes so it can prove difficult to fully understand what's happening as it's happening in the heat of the moment

So personally if someone asked for their boundaries to be pushed I'd suggest a safe word just in case it's needed.. The trick hopefully is to get to just before it's being said and play calms a little.

I wouldn't suggest a safe word for a social meet up to be used in case I ordered you the wrong drink

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By *hubaysiWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

"People unfortunately aren't mind readers and even the most tuned in "couple" could misinterpret what's happening as being liked-enjoyed and it isn't..

There's game playing involved sometimes so it can prove difficult to fully understand what's happening as it's happening in the heat of the moment

I wouldn't suggest a safe word for a social meet up to be used in case I ordered you the wrong drink

Oh god yes if the wrong drink was ordered....bad news that and I wouldn't be pleased.

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By *onforming_deviant OP Woman
over a year ago

hull

Am trying to envisage why a safe word would be necessary on a social meet."

I was the same i didnt think it would have been needed.

Im just trying to understand when people use them and how.

See if i was wrong to turn it down

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By *weeSeekoeieCouple
over a year ago

Richmond

"So every situation... Always have one then

What your using as an example is quite... Full on bdsm play.

As i explained this was a social.. a first meet... New acquaintance...

Does a safe word serve to replace listening to the submissive/second player??

Am trying to envisage why a safe word would be necessary on a social meet."

please don't blame the victim. obviously it went further and not well.

It's no one's place to decide how far it goes, other than the ones involved.

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By *gnitemybodyWoman
over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

"So every situation... Always have one then

What your using as an example is quite... Full on bdsm play.

As i explained this was a social.. a first meet... New acquaintance...

Does a safe word serve to replace listening to the submissive/second player??

Am trying to envisage why a safe word would be necessary on a social meet."

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By *j48Man
over a year ago

Wigan

"People unfortunately aren't mind readers and even the most tuned in "couple" could misinterpret what's happening as being liked-enjoyed and it isn't..

There's game playing involved sometimes so it can prove difficult to fully understand what's happening as it's happening in the heat of the moment

I wouldn't suggest a safe word for a social meet up to be used in case I ordered you the wrong drink

Oh god yes if the wrong drink was ordered....bad news that and I wouldn't be pleased. "

I'd pay attention to what you asked for...

So no worries there

It's in the details lol

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By * n hCouple
over a year ago

slarrr

BANANAS LOL

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By *j48Man
over a year ago

Wigan

Is that a drink? Lol

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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago

Shrewsbury

Depending on the situation sometimes words are not heard , this can cause unwanted or uncomfortable situations.

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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago

Shrewsbury

"BANANAS LOL "

Family guy, the safe word on that

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Am trying to envisage why a safe word would be necessary on a social meet.

I was the same i didnt think it would have been needed.

Im just trying to understand when people use them and how.

See if i was wrong to turn it down"

You're never wrong to turn something down if you feel uncomfortable about it.

If someone is asking you what your safe word is before a social meet I would be wary. Usually they're used in a bdsm situation where it needs to be clear that a person wants things to stop. The type of play might mean that they're saying things like "no" and "stop it" as part of the play so a completely unrelated word is needed.

Under other circumstances the word "no" or "stop" ought to be enough in my opinion.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Re reading your email I would not have played with you without going through my checklist and have a full negotiation and use a safe word. The problem with a safe word is it is only as good as the person with whom you are playing. It is also a one shot guillotine. I prefer the traffic light system Amber gives a chance to adjust before red.

The problem with your choice of words is the following.

I have been in situations where I have had a pre play negotiation and permission to go hard. When I ramped up the intensity the bottoms have showed what I thought was distress. I have stopped and asked if they are ok only to have them fire at me 'did I use the safe word, no, carry on' So when people say you should be able to read people it is tricky when playing with someone for the first time. My own view is that I would rather disappoint someone by not going hard enough than have someone feel they have been abused. The trouble is if you check in regularly some bottoms hate it and it ruins the scene for them. It is also some people's style to play hard.

Unfortunately you are your own safety officer. Even as a dom I would only play bdsm with someone for the first time in a public place or at a play event where they have good dungeon monitors.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" Ozzz Wrote lots of sensible stuff

At the end of the day I personally would rather have been too cautious then end up with a reputation as dangerous or abusive.

To the OP, if somebody offers you a safeword they believe they might transcend your comfort zone and hence you'll need it. If you are not happy with that possibility perhaps back away

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I suspect this is not something that happens in bdsm alone. You expect a situation will go down route A but before you know it, it is going down route B and not wholly to your consent and liking. The first thing is not to blame yourself. The second as you doing is to get information, the third (on the basis nothing criminal happened) is to treat it as a learning experience as to how you empower yourself not only to prevent it happening again but other situations where you feel without power. Fab is a useful tool but the other fetish website has a groups where you can ask submissive how they protect themselves. One good thread was on auditioning doms, although it goes against submissive nature it is worth considering. A critical question has to be 'what gives you the right to dom me?'This can all be done socially and pleasantly.

There is an interview sheet out there.

I hope I did not come over harsh in my previous message. I hope you have nor been put off kink,but there are pitfalls on the way for all of us. Good Luck

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By *onforming_deviant OP Woman
over a year ago

hull

" Ozzz Wrote lots of sensible stuff

To the OP, if somebody offers you a safeword they believe they might transcend your comfort zone and hence you'll need it. If you are not happy with that possibility perhaps back away"

Ozzz and FDFB

Thankyou for your input from a dom perspective i greatly appreciate it.

This situation was supposed to be a social, as i tried to explain in the original post horny talk and single males always pushing for more in those conversations may have been the undoing of this situation and as others have said complete lack of respect.

Bdsm play had been discussed, some hard limits were established and we discussed what we were each looking for.

It was agreed that we would have a social first.

I bent my rule of a public social due to the length of time we had been talking. Which is something which i shall never repeat under any circumstances (Lesson one)

As you have said Ozz its important to seek advice and take it as a learning experience which i have done.

Ive learnt alot from it but ive lost alot of trust from it.

The quote ive taken i believe is the final lesson from this situation.

I had processed it to a point and i think this quote rounds off the final warning i could have seen.

Thankyou

Happy Fabbing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Good day fellow fabbers

I pose a question on safe words during play.

Now this site can be a little full on, horny conversation can escalate quickly and I feel sometimes the bar of expectations is set quite high for women by single males.

I was recently involved in a situation

Now i dont believe a safe word would actually have changed how i was treated

But it had been discussed via messaging prior to our 'social'

I declined a safe word... Explaining i wanted a situation where i felt listened too and if he wasnt the sort of person to listen and communicate then i wouldnt want to play.

So my question is this, if someone asks if you want one should you always say yes just incase?

Thankyou for reading, i hope your responses offer some insight.

Happy Fabbing"

No.. you should do exactly as you did.. you are not at fault. If you described it clearly and he said he would abide by those stipulations.. then he's fucked up.. big time. I don't want to probe too deep in open.. but my door is open in private.

I'm the kind of person who also would not operate on a safeword. I say.. But I think I naturally tend to go for women who I know would listen anyway. The warm, friendly, open ones.

My safeword is NO. If I couldn't read someone.. I'd not attempt to try anything dominant at all.

Really sorry to hear you had a bad experience

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"So every situation... Always have one then

What your using as an example is quite... Full on bdsm play.

As i explained this was a social.. a first meet... New acquaintance...

Does a safe word serve to replace listening to the submissive/second player??

It doesn't matter what type of play it is....if you don't enjoy it, the other party should respect your wishes.

End of."

That applies to every single one of us on here.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Re reading your email I would not have played with you without going through my checklist and have a full negotiation and use a safe word. The problem with a safe word is it is only as good as the person with whom you are playing. It is also a one shot guillotine. I prefer the traffic light system Amber gives a chance to adjust before red.

The problem with your choice of words is the following.

Unfortunately you are your own safety officer. Even as a dom I would only play bdsm with someone for the first time in a public place or at a play event where they have good dungeon monitors.

The onus is on the dominant party to ease a new person in and build up the trust surely. Trust he can read her.. Trust in him that he'll do his utmost not to overstep the line. And if he does so accidentally.. to be able to drop right out of it and make sure she's ok after your mistake. Physically and mentally.

You make a lot of good points on the Domm side and you are aware of the danger. It also seems as though youre taking good care of your charges.. Big up yself!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would never consider a safe word in a social situation. I'm actually quite shocked a situation arose on a social where you feel a safe word may have helped.

If you both agreed to move from social to play then at that point one could have been introduced but I don't get the impression you consented to play...

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

Belt and braces is never a bad thing snd I mean that in a metaphorical sense, especially in play.

Unfortunately there is no right or wrong, the dynamic is as individual as the people engaged.

I do not impose any rules, other than the belt and braces that gives a safety net for trust.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If I ever felt like I needed a safe word I wouldn't be meeting them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Never had too use a safe word .But if I did it would be harder .

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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago

•+• Access Denied •+•

"If I ever felt like I needed a safe word I wouldn't be meeting them. "

kind of this for me too.

i wouldn't even play that way with someone who i couldn't read and understand and thought they'd be unable to do the same.

safe words are ok but i tune out just during normal sex and doubt a safe word would be any good for me as i'd not be able to use it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have a safe word, I word on a traffic light system geeen

amber change what you're doing red stop.

However this goes for meets that I don't get from here, as a masochist I play hard, some guys are a little reluctant but some are just sadists and I enjoy a sadist.

I used my safe word last Saturday during an impact session at a fet event in a club, fab won't allow the pictures but I still have the remains of bruising from it a week later!

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By *icoleAndLisaTransTV/TS
over a year ago

Ellesmere Port

"Good day fellow fabbers

I pose a question on safe words during play.

Now this site can be a little full on, horny conversation can escalate quickly and I feel sometimes the bar of expectations is set quite high for women by single males.

I was recently involved in a situation

Now i dont believe a safe word would actually have changed how i was treated

But it had been discussed via messaging prior to our 'social'

I declined a safe word... Explaining i wanted a situation where i felt listened too and if he wasnt the sort of person to listen and communicate then i wouldnt want to play.

So my question is this, if someone asks if you want one should you always say yes just incase?

Thankyou for reading, i hope your responses offer some insight.

Happy Fabbing"

If you're happy to agree to honest feedback, then that should be all you need. Safe words are for times when you want roleplay where 'no' means 'yes.' I'm inclined to play as you do: pre-establish limits and then tell them if they're caning me too hard or whatever. Of course if you're dealing with a dim-dom who goes in like a 70s school headmaster who's just found out who put the cricket ball through the window, you need a way to stop play there and then.

I think traffic lights are a good idea. Yellow = stop what you're doing (or at least tone it down.) Maybe change to doing something else or discuss why the current scene isn't working for you. Red = game over. One of you is getting your coat, and not because you've pulled. To be used only if they seriously cross a line, and you absolutely don't want to carry on doing anything with them.

Even a good Dom needs to learn their submissive. When I was under a local one for a couple of years, he had me rate various hitty things on a pain level from 1 to 10. It gave him a good idea of how far he could go. Once we had built some trust, he learned just how far out of my comfort zone he could take me. And they were some of the most intense experiences.

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By *onforming_deviant OP Woman
over a year ago

hull

Im just going to keep popping in and reading what you guys are putting.

It all offers opportunity for me to learn from this.

I really do appreciate every suggestion, share of knowledge.

Im just struggling to answer.

Thankyou to everyone.

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By *ive it to usCouple
over a year ago

cheshire

We don't do a safe word. Just two taps as in martial arts. Then if you are in a loud room you both know.

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By *onforming_deviant OP Woman
over a year ago

hull

There have been some great ideas. :D thankyou for the suggestions

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By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

You already have a number of safewords for oyreky social situations... 'No' and 'Stop' being the common ones.

If a potential Dominant is suggesting a safeword for a social then that's a flag. Clearly he has a different agenda, you only need a safeword in a play environment.

If also suggest it's a flag if the Dominant tells you what 'your' safeword is. Your safewords should be just that yours! It's hard enough to remember for some in the middle of play anyway. Use the same one/s all the time it's much much easier and the traffic lights everyone knows and it means you can slow things down rather than stop them entirely, particularly for new meets and new players.

A good question for Doms that bang on overly about the importance of safewords is 'What will you do should I be gagged? Or for some other reason can't talk?'

The longer a relationship is established the less you need safewords but they are a re-assuring backstop to many.

I'm intrigued how did you get from a social to a situation where you felt you needed to safeword?

Msg privately if you'd prefer.

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By * n hCouple
over a year ago

slarrr

"BANANAS LOL

Family guy, the safe word on that "

I am a family guy lol

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