FabSwingers.com forum: Cognitive Dissonance

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

How can men go from flattery to outright abuse in under 3 messages? For about the 5th time this week I've turned a chap down politely only to get a tirade of personal abuse in return. I've done nothing to deserve it except a polite no ta.

I can understand the frustration of rejection -I've experienced it, who hasnt?- but never felt compelled to insult them in an intensely personal way.

This issue comes up again and again - how can it be fixed?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

full frontal lobotomies for all men?

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By *oodmessMan
over a year ago

yumsville

Cognitive Dissonance is being confused about that which you understand.. I appreciate they are mailing you out of interest though your rejection would explain why they then don't like you.

You could either Give them a good rant back and block them.

Not rise to it and block them.

Copy their message and report them.

Report them.

Ask for a pic - say they are not your type, advise you will block as you don't want to waste further time.

Not reply to them if they are not your type

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What exactly do you say in your rejection message?

Easiest fix is to block or just don't reply to them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Block them after saying no. No more abuse can be received.

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By *londieddWoman
over a year ago

fife

hero to zero

some people on here are so desperate for a meet they have lost track of how to behave I deleted 3 messages from the same person in the space of 5 mins then the next message was awful saying what he was going to do to me! blocked him but if I'm honest I'm blocking several people every day, even some of the status updates people are posting at the moment are awful

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Why must the onus of action be on me? Why must the first reaction be one that is intensely personal and offensive?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" how can it be fixed?"

By blocking immediately after replying will resolve these issues.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"hero to zero

It's as though some (not all, some) forget women are people, not fuckmachines for their pleasure. It's depressing if that's how men see women.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"How can men go from flattery to outright abuse in under 3 messages? For about the 5th time this week I've turned a chap down politely only to get a tirade of personal abuse in return. I've done nothing to deserve it except a polite no ta.

I can understand the frustration of rejection -I've experienced it, who hasnt?- but never felt compelled to insult them in an intensely personal way.

This issue comes up again and again - how can it be fixed?"

either block all single men and do your own searching or just don't respond to those who you are uninterested in...or block them without responding...its really the only way to avoid it and even then, single female friends of ours still tell us about harassment and abuse

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OP, I received similar messages from such loosers. Set up filters to block single men or reply, block, delete or just block and delete

- Mrs. J -

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Funnily most of the bullshit I've recieve is from women. Shitty first messages, boring and they expect me to to meet NOW because men don't have lives to lead apparently.

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

They can't handle the dissonance, so convert their energies/conflict to anger against you, hoping to get relief

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There's a lot of men out there whose egos are significantly larger than their manhood I suspect-they seem to see themselves as God's gift and heaven help anyone (especially a woman) who challenges that belief.

They're probably small in terms of height too - just think Donald Trump without the money.......

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Why must the onus of action be on me? Why must the first reaction be one that is intensely personal and offensive? "

For the same reason we lock our front doors and don't leave our lap top on view in the car. Some people feel entitled to our property or our bodies and get nasty when denied it. The onus will always be on us to prevent rather than on the entitled to cure.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"There's a lot of men out there whose egos are significantly larger than their manhood I suspect-they seem to see themselves as God's gift and heaven help anyone (especially a woman) who challenges that belief.

They're probably small in terms of height too - just think Donald Trump without the money.......

Does it make you feel a part of the "sisterhood" to attack men?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No - I'm not biologically female so I couldn't be.

The question I have to ask you is whether you feel it important to challenge a statement that would only include you if you knew it applies to you - so maybe it does?

I specifically said "there's a lot of men out there" as a statement of fact based on my own and others personal experience. If the cap fits.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Why must the onus of action be on me? Why must the first reaction be one that is intensely personal and offensive? "

Because you're the one who will be receiving what you don't want and then complaining about it on here. If you block you have nothing to read and complain about, and your life gets much easier.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Cognitive Dissonance is being confused about that which you understand."

Actually, Cognitive Dissonance is a situation wherein you a person holds two or more contradictory opinions at the same time.

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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago

•+• Access Denied •+•

because their initial thought is you're a slag who will fuck anything.

so now they can't blame themselves if you don't wanna fuck them as you will fuck anything.

it is now down to them to 'save face'/reputation by saying they didn't wanna fuck you anyway.

i learned these simpleton mind games a long, long time ago.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

"Why must the onus of action be on me? Why must the first reaction be one that is intensely personal and offensive? "
well you can either block and have an easy life or continue moaning

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By *ippa 63TV/TS
over a year ago

St Helens

The OP has the right to refuse at least she reponds saying no. Her decision should be respected. One wonders if they get shirty when refused. What would they be like if they met. The people who just delete my message without answering winds me up.

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By *londieddWoman
over a year ago

fife

"The OP has the right to refuse at least she reponds saying no. Her decision should be respected. One wonders if they get shirty when refused. What would they be like if they met. The people who just delete my message without answering winds me up."
when they say no thanks do you leave it at that or reply with thanks for letting me know?

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By *oodmessMan
over a year ago

yumsville

"Cognitive Dissonance is being confused about that which you understand.

Actually, Cognitive Dissonance is a situation wherein you a person holds two or more contradictory opinions at the same time."

It's a long time since I have done Psychology, though that sounds more accurate.

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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago

•+• Access Denied •+•

you can only change your understanding of why people do the things that they do, you cannot change those people and don't really have a right to in a country where autonomy exists and is accepted. and this understanding might help you accept them as they are, even if you don't like their behaviour.

you can help them change if they ask for that help and you're able to provide it, otherwise you might as well stay silent. and even the site rules say this in a way.

the only time i think it's ever right to question another persons behaviour is when you ask why they did that. to understand them, otherwise there is no point in saying or doing anything as you are being judgmental.

and you cannot force change, people have to want to change.

womens rights have done a lot for us so we can even be on a site like this. unfortunately we need to accept that not all people have caught onto the fact that a woman has full autonomy over her own body and has the right to act in whatever way she wishes when approached for sex. this includes not even responding at all.

how do we change things? idk, it's really complicated and takes some time. in an age when it's really easy to communicate with others and get to know each other better and understand other people we are not doing this on the whole. i'm not sure why not, maybe our species isn't as amazing as we'd like to think it is and is a lot more basic than we'd like to think.

we should be able to objectify ourselves without people thinking we are open to everyone, yet humans also have an imagination that allows fantasies and dreams and to hope for something.

we have a lot of social issues, many of which are understood by a good majority of people but many which are not and are holding us back as a social species.

things will and can change, with time. we might be lucky enough to be born into a time where the generations before us improved our lot, we already are in some ways. but as we can see there is much still to be done. first point is discussing issues, like we are simply doing here. people have offered alternative solutions already, none of which suit the OP and that's fine too. but at least we're talking about it and not shutting everyone down.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can understand the frustration of rejection -I've experienced it, who hasnt?- but never felt compelled to insult them in an intensely personal way.

This issue comes up again and again - how can it be fixed?"

Any form of insult...intensely or passively in a form of rejection amounts to the same imo. Most respond according to their expectations and hopes I find.

It certainly isn't exclusive to men btw.... many women respond similarly when faced with rejection....I might add without trying to cause a stir that I've witness worse with women being rejected when they felt no one would turn them down.... I was told I must be gay by one lady because I wasn't interested.

Secondly how much flirt, teasing and leading on do you do? That can raise the levels of reaction to rejection too.

Just some thoughts not in particular to the OP but everyone.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have never received abuse from women, I have received abuse from men, but only when I had a TV/TS profile.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Secondly how much flirt, teasing and leading on do you do? That can raise the levels of reaction to rejection too.

Just some thoughts not in particular to the OP but everyone. "

If you respond to an initial message with thanks but no thank you, you'll get a I didn't want to fuck you, you stupid bitch. So the next message, you chat for a bit, establish they want to fuck, then say thanks but no thank you and you get accused of leading them on.

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

I can understand the frustration of rejection -I've experienced it, who hasnt?- but never felt compelled to insult them in an intensely personal way.

This issue comes up again and again - how can it be fixed?"

Ignore message, block messenger.

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

Perhaps you need to talk to those who cognativly understand what cognativle congruently is and block the rest

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By *hubaysiWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

" how can it be fixed?

By blocking immediately after replying will resolve these issues. "

I am with you on this....

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By *hubaysiWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

"hero to zero

Because of my update I received a really abusive message from a man today who blocked me so I could not reply! He probably thought he was being big and clever but I reported him, no need for that. Men like him spoil it for other men and Mods need to keep the numbers of single men to a minimum.

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By *he Queen of TartsWoman
Forum Mod
over a year ago

My Own Little World

It's a combination of a fragile male ego, unrealistic expectations about Fab, sexual frustration, a limited understanding of swinging and the fact that they are quite possibly twats.

That is my conclusion based on 7 years on here.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it's just insecurity. I had one which was a favourite that went something like

'Omg you're amazing I want to fuck you so bad' etc etc compliments

'Thanks but you're not for me right now - good luck though!'

'My message was just a joke anyway I don't fuck fatties - I'm too good for you' etc etc abuse

'Yes you're probably to good for me, hope you find what you're looking for' just for lols

'Ahh please ignore my other message - I think you're gorgeous please can we meet??'

it's just a defence mechanism - tbf I can see how it must get quite painful to endlessly be turned down - although resorting to abuse is immiture and awful, it has nothing to do with you. Just them. So just block, ignore and move on, that fragile of an ego wouldn't be any fun in bed anyways so you made the right choice!

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

I suspect rejection at any level is not good for esteem, however the vestibule system is a fucker at by passing reality.

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By *ippa 63TV/TS
over a year ago

St Helens

"The OP has the right to refuse at least she reponds saying no. Her decision should be respected. One wonders if they get shirty when refused. What would they be like if they met. The people who just delete my message without answering winds me up.when they say no thanks do you leave it at that or reply with thanks for letting me know?"

I usually reply saying thanks for letting me know and i respect there decission.

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham

"Why must the onus of action be on me? Why must the first reaction be one that is intensely personal and offensive? "

Some people are like that, block and find people who aren't

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is why I and numerous others keep requesting a no thank you button which prevets them from messaging back a bit lije a block and unlike messaging which allows them to keep replying. They get a reply and you not been a bitch in not replying ...everyone is happy.

Simple yet I keep hearing the 'no-we-don't-want-change' brigade saying it's ok as it is yet these threads appear every day.

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