FabSwingers.com forum: Advice for a new Dom

By *rrowxxx OP Man
over a year ago

Hitchin

I have been chatting to and met for a coffee a lovely couple who are looking for a Dom.

That's not my normal role.

Usually just as equals

So would appreciate some advice/guidance from Doms or Subs on how to adopt a Dom role

Thanks in advance

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By *piritsonfabCouple
over a year ago

Nottingham

A dominant role is different to from "a Dom".

Lots of guys can do the former relatively easily and with much enjoyment for all.

The latter is more of a commitment and long term thing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't think you can adopt a Dom role. A bit of role play perhaps but if you aren't naturally into it it may not work.

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By *rrowxxx OP Man
over a year ago

Hitchin

Thank you both for your responses. Pretty much what I expected to hear

I'm hoping someone would be happy to discuss here in private messages more detail to understand the mind of the Sub and how a Dom plays on that.

Thanks

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By *ecretlyASoftieWoman
over a year ago

Hull but travel regularly

Try the book the loving dominant for more insight from both sides

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By *ordonBennettMan
over a year ago

dover

"I don't think you can adopt a Dom role. A bit of role play perhaps but if you aren't naturally into it it may not work.

I don't really believe it is a role you can learn either..

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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge

Best to advise is not bother asking on here try reading on suitable well known sites that deal with this and I don't mean the cheesy Porno ones I mean the in depth life style stuff

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

The New Topping Book

by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy

screw the roses bring me the thorns pdf

masterscastle.com/ScrewTheRoses.pdf

may give you a start but there is nothing like talking to others, watching, listening and learning from those on the scene, so munches (the fet social) and fet events and that 'other' website...where you can first go on a journey of self discovery..of who you are, what you like, dislike and more importantly what structure you can hold for others, right this minute..do not rush and dont not make promises you cannot keep..sub space is prone to crashing, and being a sub affects your psyche..its deeper than a little 'roleplay'.

this isnt meant to put you off, its meant to be a reality check..be responsible

and remember safe sane and consensual for the Dom as well as the sub xx

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By *aeBabeWoman
over a year ago

London

"I have been chatting to and met for a coffee a lovely couple who are looking for a Dom.

That's not my normal role.

Usually just as equals

So would appreciate some advice/guidance from Doms or Subs on how to adopt a Dom role

Thanks in advance "

Being dominant in bed and being a Dom are completely different.

Definitely read up on it or ask them what it is they look for clearly

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

"I have been chatting to and met for a coffee a lovely couple who are looking for a Dom.

That's not my normal role.

Usually just as equals

So would appreciate some advice/guidance from Doms or Subs on how to adopt a Dom role

Thanks in advance

Being dominant in bed and being a Dom are completely different.

Definitely read up on it or ask them what it is they look for clearly

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By *all and ChainWoman
over a year ago

Truro

"I have been chatting to and met for a coffee a lovely couple who are looking for a Dom.

That's not my normal role.

Usually just as equals

So would appreciate some advice/guidance from Doms or Subs on how to adopt a Dom role

Thanks in advance "

Tell them the truth, you're not a Dom, and end it.

It will only end in tears, it is about 50x easier for a straight guy to "adopt" the role of a homosexual than it is for someone to "adopt" the role of Dom.

Being Dom isn't a role you pick for yourself, in truth it isn't a role you probably would pick for yourself, given a free choice.

Being a Dom and playing a dom is a bigger gap than play rape and real rape, or play anything and real anything, soldiers included.

You never know, they might not actually want a real Dom, so you have everything to win and nothing to lose by being up front.

Opinions are like assholes, everone has one, this is ours.

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By *all and ChainWoman
over a year ago

Truro

"The New Topping Book

by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy

screw the roses bring me the thorns pdf

masterscastle.com/ScrewTheRoses.pdf

OK, you are giving advice. Fairy nuff...

BUT...

It's a bit like telling someone who wants to be a deep sea diver or top software engineer or demolition guy to go and read a book.

That and a buck will get you a coffee, and you'll still be none the wiser.

Go read a book on drug and weapons smuggling and go hang out with the cartels with your new found knowledge and see how far it gets you.

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By *emplarWarriorMan
over a year ago

Nottingham

The fact that you so much as ask that question shows me that you are far from Dominate and never ever will be

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

"The New Topping Book

by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy

screw the roses bring me the thorns pdf

masterscastle.com/ScrewTheRoses.pdf

OK, you are giving advice. Fairy nuff...

BUT...

It's a bit like telling someone who wants to be a deep sea diver or top software engineer or demolition guy to go and read a book.

That and a buck will get you a coffee, and you'll still be none the wiser.

Go read a book on drug and weapons smuggling and go hang out with the cartels with your new found knowledge and see how far it gets you."
llok i didnt give advice i gave some resources, its not for me to tell anyone who they are or what they are capable of, because most people dont eve4n know that for themselves..

btw Dom's arent know it alls either..so that counts you out, doesnt it?..anyone in the world can grow and change, no one has a monopoly on skills or character, imo..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have been chatting to and met for a coffee a lovely couple who are looking for a Dom.

That's not my normal role.

Usually just as equals

So would appreciate some advice/guidance from Doms or Subs on how to adopt a Dom role

Thanks in advance

Tell them the truth, you're not a Dom, and end it.

It will only end in tears, it is about 50x easier for a straight guy to "adopt" the role of a homosexual than it is for someone to "adopt" the role of Dom.

Being Dom isn't a role you pick for yourself, in truth it isn't a role you probably would pick for yourself, given a free choice.

Being a Dom and playing a dom is a bigger gap than play rape and real rape, or play anything and real anything, soldiers included.

You never know, they might not actually want a real Dom, so you have everything to win and nothing to lose by being up front.

Opinions are like assholes, everone has one, this is ours.

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By *all and ChainWoman
over a year ago

Truro

btw Dom's arent know it alls either..so that counts you out, doesnt it?..anyone in the world can grow and change, no one has a monopoly on skills or character, imo.."

Like I said, everyone is entitled to their opinion, and that and a buck will buy you a coffee.

Person A's opinion of Person B will affect whether person A will give person B a mortgage, a lift, a break... it does not affect one iota what person B actually is.

Biggest problem with the world today is the gap between what any given individual actually is, and what they think they are or claim to be or want to be or anything else.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Being a Dom takes time and learning. I've been in the fetish scene for 18 years and I wouldn't class myself as a expert but, I'm good at what I do and people even queue up at events.

Practice practice is the best way.

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By *ason_silverMan
over a year ago

Newcastle

"sub space is prone to crashing, and being a sub affects your psyche..its deeper than a little 'roleplay'."

Now there's a thought..

Handing your mindset over to another and trusting they wont be overwhelmed and actually be drawn into doing it damage.

as they say "power corrupts"

Its one hell of a leap from a bit of leather or rubber to actual submission.

Maybe they just want confident and commanding?

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

First rule of being a Dom is be yourself

Second rule of Being a Dom is communicating a lot

Don't ask Doms, that's not were it is.

Explore and enjoy. There is a thread on another site around novices that will give insight.

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

"First rule of being a Dom is be yourself

Second rule of Being a Dom is communicating a lot

Don't ask Doms, that's not were it is.

Explore and enjoy. There is a thread on another site around novices that will give insight."

Damn, contradicted myself.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A dominant role is different to from "a Dom".

Lots of guys can do the former relatively easily and with much enjoyment for all.

The latter is more of a commitment and long term thing."

This

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By *ason_silverMan
over a year ago

Newcastle

just remember the one actually in charge is ALWAYS the sub.

its power by proxy.

The second you think the DOM is in control - it all falls apart

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thank you both for your responses. Pretty much what I expected to hear

I'm hoping someone would be happy to discuss here in private messages more detail to understand the mind of the Sub and how a Dom plays on that.

Thanks"

The mind of a submissive is individual to the person. The same applies to the Dominant. You can't learn to be either. You either are or your not. Its that simple. Lots of people can learn to play at it but to be honest it generally lacks depth. Playing is one thing, true bdsm is another. I would suggest that you make sure you know what you are doing before you try and do it and please make sure you know the boundaries before you go near anyone. Stay & play safe

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"just remember the one actually in charge is ALWAYS the sub.

its power by proxy.

The second you think the DOM is in control - it all falls apart"

Also this, although this only applies to D/s and not S/m. Sm is a whole different ball game!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"just remember the one actually in charge is ALWAYS the sub.

its power by proxy.

The second you think the DOM is in control - it all falls apart"

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By *ason_silverMan
over a year ago

Newcastle

And a dance you NEVER want to play within this role

(Codependents & Narcissists)

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/09/08/the-dance-between-codependents-narcissists/

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By *all and ChainWoman
over a year ago

Truro

"just remember the one actually in charge is ALWAYS the sub.

its power by proxy.

The second you think the DOM is in control - it all falls apart"

No, just remember that that is your opinion, not universal truth or fact.

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By *ason_silverMan
over a year ago

Newcastle

"just remember the one actually in charge is ALWAYS the sub.

its power by proxy.

The second you think the DOM is in control - it all falls apart

No, just remember that that is your opinion, not universal truth or fact."

not opinion - matter of safety

the second it turns around - damage happens

There is no universal truth or fact in this field - its personality traits grinding against each other - a very sensitive part of a person

opinion will only give you a potential shield for that damage

psychology rule one - trust

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By *all and ChainWoman
over a year ago

Truro

not opinion - matter of safety

the second it turns around - damage happens

There is no universal truth or fact in this field - its personality traits grinding against each other - a very sensitive part of a person

opinion will only give you a potential shield for that damage

psychology rule one - trust"

I'm afraid it is just opinion.

You bandy words around like they have "one true meaning" TM and you are the custodian of that meaning.

You talk of safety and damage, other people will see the same thing and think stuck in amber and growth, you should read some vonnegut, people project their own beliefs upon the canvas, those fucking irresponsible base jumpers / motorcyclists / drug users / etc

There are loads of people on the scene who in my own personal private opinion are little more than the broken and the lost seeking mutual solace, picking at scabs rather than healing them, but you know what, that is their business, I am not a nanny running around wrapping people in cotton wool.

Go out, experiment, break bones, hopefully learn from it.

Not all subs are the same, produced by a clone factory, all topping from the bottom and all being really strong independent empowered fiesty women.

Some find nothing quite so horrific as the lost and loney years when they had to make *any* decision for themselves, or have *any* control.

If you want an education go to a TPE/IE sub and tell her she is the one in charge and the moment the dom thinks he is in control it's all over....

you fall into the populist trap that all who have absolute power will eventually abuse that absolute power.

it's one step from there to a world of absolutes, all men are rapists, all women are whores, all politicians are liars, all muslims are terrorists.

not everything in life is a slippery slope, there are quite a few people in the world who would not steal candy from a baby, even if they were starving, instead they'd forgo food to sit there and sing lullabies to it.

personality traits and id's vying for superiority and grinding against one another is a jungian / freudian fiction, it's much more like interbreeding and darwinian selection.

The old adage about having two wolf spirits inside you, one good and one evil, and which one grows the strongest?

The one you feed.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do people get so upset when it comes to this subject. Its crazy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"And a dance you NEVER want to play within this role

(Codependents & Narcissists)

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/09/08/the-dance-between-codependents-narcissists/"

I read a good article the other day on this but it was called The Narcissist and the Empath - blew my mind

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

"sub space is prone to crashing, and being a sub affects your psyche..its deeper than a little 'roleplay'.

Now there's a thought..

Handing your mindset over to another and trusting they wont be overwhelmed and actually be drawn into doing it damage.

as they say "power corrupts"

Its one hell of a leap from a bit of leather or rubber to actual submission.

Maybe they just want confident and commanding?

"
no the liberation of handing the mind over as well as the body is being a 'sub', not a 'bottom'..there is a difference. no i have a Dom, not just a confident man and anyone who just tries to command..i railroad and laugh at..so its not about that at all.in my varied experience and opinion. its about self knowledge and awareness mostly.if he has journeyed into himself, then i trust him to journey with me, if he hasn't , theres no way he could know who i was and, therefore no trust can be built.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My advice to the couple would be get involved in the local fet scene and find a Dom in tbe real world rather than ask a random bloke on a swingers site with no experience to assume that role. Which isn't great for the OP but probably also the safest for all involved

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By *atasha_DavidCouple
over a year ago

Slough

"Why do people get so upset when it comes to this subject. Its crazy."

Because for some people this is their primary defining charecteristic.

belittle somebodys faith, nooo not allowed.

belittle somebodys ethnicity, nooo not allowed.

belittle somebodys gender or sexuality, noo not allowed.

For some people, belittling, misconstruing or appropriating their identified self is upsetting. If people who have nothing positive to say said nothing the world would IMHO be a better place.

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By *all and ChainWoman
over a year ago

Truro

"Why do people get so upset when it comes to this subject. Its crazy."

I have re-read this entire thread, so unless admin has been busy deleting posts, I cannot see any evidence of anyone becoming the least bit upset.

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By *axandbooCouple
over a year ago

Bristol

You need to learn yourself First.

Think on things on a scale. Most people live between 4-6 a little submissive and a little dom.... Then as you go further either way then you learn if your more Dom or more sub.

Go to fet clubs and observe, speak to those on the scene. It takes time and patience.

There is a lot of time, effort and energy that you need to put in before getting anything out.

Also most Dom sub relationships are that....a proper working relationship.

I discovered i was a Dom over 15 years ago, i am still learning now.

Boo has been my sub (collared and inked) for two years out of a relationship of 6 years. She is learning too all the time. Its continuous rather than quick.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Why do people get so upset when it comes to this subject. Its crazy.

I have re-read this entire thread, so unless admin has been busy deleting posts, I cannot see any evidence of anyone becoming the least bit upset.

Well I wouldn't call you passive aggressive lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Personally and in my own opinion i can't stand the term "Dom". My own personal opinion and view on the term is that it is used as a very casual and somewhat undervalued abbreviation of the true word. Of course this is only my own view and opinion and doesn't reflect on anyone else's views or opinions.

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By *piritsonfabCouple
over a year ago

Nottingham

"Personally and in my own opinion i can't stand the term "Dom". My own personal opinion and view on the term is that it is used as a very casual and somewhat undervalued abbreviation of the true word. Of course this is only my own view and opinion and doesn't reflect on anyone else's views or opinions. "

It has got a little corrupted and diluted recently. Sadly. But it's only a descriptive word. I'd be sceptical of anyone calling themselves that, unless their actions, chat, posts and general demeanour was congruent.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 16/09/16 15:16:20]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

agree with you but "Dom" gets banned around so much these days. I personally feel that it removes a certain level of respect that goes with the mentality. If some asks me is I am " A Dom" my reply is always no. I am just who I am and my little one knows it and the fact that she does is all that matters really.

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By *ommenhimCouple
over a year ago

wigan

"The fact that you so much as ask that question shows me that you are far from Dominate and never ever will be

Tosh!

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By *ommenhimCouple
over a year ago

wigan

"Being a Dom takes time and learning. I've been in the fetish scene for 18 years and I wouldn't class myself as a expert but, I'm good at what I do and people even queue up at events.

Practice practice is the best way. "

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By *ommenhimCouple
over a year ago

wigan

"just remember the one actually in charge is ALWAYS the sub.

its power by proxy.

The second you think the DOM is in control - it all falls apart"

Tosh

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By *ommenhimCouple
over a year ago

wigan

"Why do people get so upset when it comes to this subject. Its crazy."

Because no one else is doing it right!!!!

Ever!!

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By *ommenhimCouple
over a year ago

wigan

Do you reply to the "is I am a Dom" with I is not... biatch?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 16/09/16 23:22:01]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Do you reply to the "is I am a Dom" with I is not... biatch?"

My most sincere apologies, the is should have been an if. I'm glad you paid such close attention and for bringing the small discretion to my attention. I very much appreciate it. To be honest I'm not quite sure what a "Biatch" actually is but I'm sure you'll be able to point it out to me without to much trouble or effort.

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By *ommenhimCouple
over a year ago

wigan

Do you reply to the "is I am a Dom" with I is not... biatch?

No need to apologise I wondered if it was Ali g parlance!

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By *dam and slutCouple
over a year ago

Manchester

Advice ? Submission is not a gift you take it. If you break it, you alone are responsible.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Getting back to OP's post. I would suggest talking to the couple possibly using a bdsm checklist to find out exactly what they want. Do they want a 24/7 ish relationship or someone to control their scenes. Are they looking to serve and submit or for someone to play a role. I have a friend who is a sub but to protect herself she has studied rope and impact and regularly tops for subs who can't find someone to dom. In my mind the position is simple:what do they define as dominant behaviour and what exactly do they want? When you know that you can decide whether you can do it In the scene there are plenty of people who switch so consider some of the advice in the thread but do your research and make your own decision. Remember there is no true way and l suggest that in all roles there is a spectrum. Someone in the SAS or a navy seal may be dominant but crap at holding a relationship.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Do you reply to the "is I am a Dom" with I is not... biatch?

No need to apologise I wondered if it was Ali g parlance!"

I only go in for the Ali,g thing on Sundays so becareful around midnight tonight! I may well be looking for me Julie!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Advice ? Submission is not a gift you take it. If you break it, you alone are responsible.

not quite

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Being a Dom takes time and learning. I've been in the fetish scene for 18 years and I wouldn't class myself as a expert but, I'm good at what I do and people even queue up at events.

Practice practice is the best way. "

sound advice!

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By *ilacWoman
over a year ago

Cheshire

Some good advice on this thread and some pointless or random statements.

If it's something that's piqued your interest, then I'd definitely do a bit of reading and research rather than jump into play. Be mindful that with reading blogs or other sites you also have to pick and choose what's good advice and what's a load of crap. Just because it's written in a book, doesn't make it right. But it's a good place to start. You have some good recommendations on this thread.

Like someone else said... If you're catering play for a certain couple... Then you're really going to have to have an honest and open conversation with them about their expectations to see if it matches yours.

Also to those saying that you're either dom or your not. I disagree. It's fairly easy to 'top' people and give satisfaction without being a stereotypical alpha/dom. I'm a submissive but have successfully topped a variety of others. There are so many types of dominant roles and personalities. No right or wrong.

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By *all and ChainWoman
over a year ago

Truro

Labels are always a contentious issue, but they were invented for a reason.

If you some time "top" and some times "bottom" the label was "switch".

If you inclined more one way or another than the label could be "sub / switch"

but "dom" meant lifestyle 24/7 never subbed to anyone ever in any way, and "sub" meant lifestyle 24/7 never topped anyone ever in any way.

We now have males who have never had surgery and who have never taken hormones insisting that they feel like women and should be called Julie from now on.

In a sense, they are entitled to see themselves that way, in another sense, it makes it difficult for someone who is using a more traditional meaning of the label "woman"

The more fluid and flexible any label, the more difficulty two people face in working out what the other one is and if there is any compatibility.

Back in the day "dom" meant what it said, 100% control, and you better be able to handle it, and you better be able to handle 100% of the falout / consequences / responsibilities that went with it.

Nowadays "dom" is just a bullet point in a sales prochure, like "own a bmw" and "gym fit" and so on, like any of it has anything even remotely connected to that person's actual personality... it's all marketing speak, devoid of meaning or import.

YMMV

again, opinions are like assholes, everyone has one, and this is ours.