FabSwingers.com forum: Being a sub

By *ewexperience83 OP Couple
over a year ago

Ellesmere Port

Just thought I'd send a thread to help me with a new adventure lol

I've been invited to become a sub for a couple, as I'm a newbie I'm not sure how to go about it, what boundaries to set etc

Any advice or experience would be greatly appreciated xx

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By *gcw2014Couple
over a year ago

just outside of liverpool

Lucky you lol. Set you boundaries discuss what you are looking for, have a safe word above all enjoy x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well firstly I'd say go for it with the right dom it's an amazing experience x

?? the sub should always be in control so before play discuss safe words limits etc I find it useful to to use a scale say 1-5 scoring your tolerance of activities.

Absoloutly enjoy but stay safe trust is essential??xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Be open and honest what you are looking for

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sub is always in control, if you say no that's it, remember that.

Safe words for Amber (warning) and red (stop) are very important, let them know what your words are, whether that is to stop play completely or just to stop to discuss what your doing.

Trust, biggest thing ever, make sure you trust them to keep you safe and to listen to you.

Boundaries, many subs have soft and hard boundaries. Soft, what you like but what can be pushed if you feel comfortable. Hard, no go areas.

Every sub is different in their needs, it's what works for you. Don't be pressured into anything and it can be very enjoyable.

Be careful of sun space, where you don't know what you are consenting too, if you are feeling.that way stop play, take time to calm down.

Have water, chocolate etc on hand for replenshing yourself and make sure afterwards you are able to calm yourself down and get any after care needed, hugs, warmth rtf.

Most of all have fun

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By *ewexperience83 OP Couple
over a year ago

Ellesmere Port

He has asked my definate no no's but without knowing what they have planned for me I feel I can't really comment yet

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"He has asked my definate no no's but without knowing what they have planned for me I feel I can't really comment yet"

Ask them what they expect and work from there but always stick to your guns x

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"He has asked my definate no no's but without knowing what they have planned for me I feel I can't really comment yet"

You need to know what they have planned, never go in to anything without having discussed it thoroughly especially in a new relationship. Also don't allow them to restrain you unless you have the means to get out of it yourself until you absolutely trust them

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By *ewexperience83 OP Couple
over a year ago

Ellesmere Port

Thanks everyone I'm such a novice and I was afraid because of this I maybe going in this blindly.

I'm definately going to have to build a level of trust before doing anything hard core lol x

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Thanks everyone I'm such a novice and I was afraid because of this I maybe going in this blindly.

I'm definately going to have to build a level of trust before doing anything hard core lol x

No shame in being new at something. I suggest you think about what you want, seriously think about what you "don't" want and write it down. Read or watch some porn if you want some ideas

An alarm bell rang for me when you mentioned a couple then said he had asked what your limits are. How far have you discussed the involvement of them both?

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By *ewexperience83 OP Couple
over a year ago

Ellesmere Port

I was just thinking that myself I've not spoke to her, my next question was for me to do so.

I've not committed to anything yet

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I was just thinking that myself I've not spoke to her, my next question was for me to do so.

I've not committed to anything yet"

If I were you I'd establish that there is a woman before you engage in any talk about limits, then insist on a social only meet in a public place, something about this doesn't feel right.

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

Go slow. If they are really interested, then they will wait. Months if you need the time to get to know them. I've sometimes chatted to people for months before I've met them and I'm not even a proper sub. I just sort of play along and giggle. If you're not sure, don't do it. A 'proper' Dom should not pressure or coerce.

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By *ewexperience83 OP Couple
over a year ago

Ellesmere Port

Thanks Hun to be honest that's also why I've started this thread X

I have said we need to meet to discuss things first at a club, my other quite serious concern is how it'd effect my relationship with my hubby he's my top priority X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I was just thinking that myself I've not spoke to her, my next question was for me to do so.

I've not committed to anything yet"

Oh goodness yes, talk to her, meet them in public. Many subs meet doms socially on more than one occasion before even contemplating play. Any doms worth the time, will take the time to get to know you before any play mentioned at all.

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By *ewexperience83 OP Couple
over a year ago

Ellesmere Port

[Removed by poster at 24/07/16 21:47:30]

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By *GHertsCouple
over a year ago

North Herts

There's a very good checklist at the link below that helps you establish a list of things you'd be comfortable with that you could use for your own awareness, or to pass on to inform them once you have completed it. As others have said though you need to be sure that you'd be happy placing yourself in a position of submission with these people as the first, and most important, step.

http://cwok.me/u/Knjo.

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By *ewexperience83 OP Couple
over a year ago

Ellesmere Port

"I was just thinking that myself I've not spoke to her, my next question was for me to do so.

I've not committed to anything yet

If I were you I'd establish that there is a woman before you engage in any talk about limits, then insist on a social only meet in a public place, something about this doesn't feel right. "

Something isn't right at all I've learnt that she has her own profile that reads as though she's single (newly) he has said message her but I haven't a clue what to say??

I've told him I'm concerned/confused as why have a couples profile for her not to use it as well?

Both me and S view and use our profile so we know everything that's going on etc

#backing off

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

why this particular 'couple'????? in my opinion you might be shortchanging yourself by entering into an arrangement where the dynamics or attraction are not as great as they could be - I have played with couples and singles in sub/dom roles and had some great experiences but with a couple the most rewarding experiences have always been ones where the relationship between them is rock solid and there is a 3way attraction. With singles the best experiences have been with skillful doms who take time to build trust and to learn how to get into my mind as well as play with my body!

maybe you are considering this couple because you are excitied at the prospect of lots of exciting new experiences? - consider visiting fetish, kinky or bdsm events instead (or ask them to come aong with you)- you will meet plenty of genuine couples/singles who will be happy to share thoughts/skills and might invite you to play sub/dom with them...

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By *ewexperience83 OP Couple
over a year ago

Ellesmere Port

To be fair I'm feeling put off by the fact I'm getting the jist they may not be rock solid as a couple. I think they may have split up and got back together which doesn't fill me with a lot of confidence

I am back away and carrying on with what we (me and hubby) were doing in the first place.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thanks Hun to be honest that's also why I've started this thread X

I have said we need to meet to discuss things first at a club, my other quite serious concern is how it'd effect my relationship with my hubby he's my top priority X "

Is hubby going to be present? If he is you are a lot safer.

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By *ewexperience83 OP Couple
over a year ago

Ellesmere Port

Always X

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"To be fair I'm feeling put off by the fact I'm getting the jist they may not be rock solid as a couple. I think they may have split up and got back together which doesn't fill me with a lot of confidence

I am back away and carrying on with what we (me and hubby) were doing in the first place. "

If something doesn't feel right it's always best to step back.

I think you need to get things straight in your head before you go too much further, establish your own boundaries and get clear how you want to proceed.

Good luck.

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By *ewexperience83 OP Couple
over a year ago

Ellesmere Port

Don't feel I want to proceed any further with this xx but thank you for all your advise it's helped me a lot

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

take the time to know what you want from being a sub

ask yourself, why choose a couple..

atend some munches and other social events on the fet scene to gain knowledge and talk to other people, to find out what style of Dom you actually want.

( each relationship is as unique as any other)

they should be able to communicate what style they are..and what it includes.

read the bottoming book and screw the roses bring me thorns book..other more 'extreme' books like the story of O, will help you decide your hard limits.

if you can talk to other subs about sub space, subdrop and what types of aftercare they need after sceneing ( crashing is not fun!)

obviously safeword etc and a social or several and a planned play should be your first steps to help build trust.

i dont feel these people or person has given you enough information about them for you to make a safe, sane and consensual decision...everything should be those 3 things..

i dont feel they are experienced..check out thier experience, ask as many questions as you need to and dont do anything you are not happy with..ever..it takes time to build a smooth dynamic..

my advice take hubby to some fet events and explore first before agreeing to sub for anyone else xx be well, be safe, be happy x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am an owned and collared sub and completely trust my Dom. Trust is probably the most important thing in a Dom/sub relationship. I am fully aware what awaits me when we are together . Details get discussed to the full. Go with your gut feeling Hun and if something does not feel right tell them and discuss it if still not right back off ! I have never been in a couple situation only Dom and to be honest I don't think I would ever want to be a sub for a couple especially if you get a feeling they are not in a very stable relationship. My Sir has my body my mind totally under his control when we are together, he owns it. You could be put in danger if things get out of hand between them so please be careful X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 25/07/16 09:22:44]

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By *ewexperience83 OP Couple
over a year ago

Ellesmere Port

Thank you huni, I get the same impression from them too X

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By *ewexperience83 OP Couple
over a year ago

Ellesmere Port

Sorry last message was for _uzy444

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Don't feel I want to proceed any further with this xx but thank you for all your advise it's helped me a lot

Have fun and good luck with your future adventures!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"take the time to know what you want from being a sub

ask yourself, why choose a couple..

atend some munches and other social events on the fet scene to gain knowledge and talk to other people, to find out what style of Dom you actually want.

( each relationship is as unique as any other)

they should be able to communicate what style they are..and what it includes.

read the bottoming book and screw the roses bring me thorns book..other more 'extreme' books like the story of O, will help you decide your hard limits.

if you can talk to other subs about sub space, subdrop and what types of aftercare they need after sceneing ( crashing is not fun!)

obviously safeword etc and a social or several and a planned play should be your first steps to help build trust.

i dont feel these people or person has given you enough information about them for you to make a safe, sane and consensual decision...everything should be those 3 things..

i dont feel they are experienced..check out thier experience, ask as many questions as you need to and dont do anything you are not happy with..ever..it takes time to build a smooth dynamic..

my advice take hubby to some fet events and explore first before agreeing to sub for anyone else xx be well, be safe, be happy x"

Excellent advice for a newbie x

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By *ewexperience83 OP Couple
over a year ago

Ellesmere Port

"I am an owned and collared sub and completely trust my Dom. Trust is probably the most important thing in a Dom/sub relationship. I am fully aware what awaits me when we are together . Details get discussed to the full. Go with your gut feeling Hun and if something does not feel right tell them and discuss it if still not right back off ! I have never been in a couple situation only Dom and to be honest I don't think I would ever want to be a sub for a couple especially if you get a feeling they are not in a very stable relationship. My Sir has my body my mind totally under his control when we are together, he owns it. You could be put in danger if things get out of hand between them so please be careful X "

That's my main worry now that I feel that their relationship may not be the strongest it holds to many risks also more importantly I don't want to do anything so detrimental to my own relationship

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Sorry last message was for _uzy444"

Use the rey+quote button

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would not either Hun. Stay safe xx Keiko

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

"Sorry last message was for _uzy444"
you are welcome xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I used to hate being sub .

The manager used to pick his son instead of we as we both played the same position....Fucking nepotism

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By *ewexperience83 OP Couple
over a year ago

Ellesmere Port

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I used to hate being sub .

The manager used to pick his son instead of we as we both played the same position....Fucking nepotism "

?? Lol

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By *ewexperience83 OP Couple
over a year ago

Ellesmere Port

I know what is he saying lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's a football reference

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By *ewexperience83 OP Couple
over a year ago

Ellesmere Port

Ha ha that's why I didn't get it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's a football reference

Yeah I know lol it made me laugh tho as it was rather out of context and when I read pick his son I had to laugh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We are both newbies at the Dom / sub but what we have found is its not like a light switch that you can just switch on ?

It's more fun than that but total trust is required to fully appreciate the whole experience from both aspects !

So don't worry about rushing in and maybe spoiling the experience for you

I'm sure as you go to clubs that someone would be more than happy to give you advice

Good luck

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

Talk to other subs especially about zoning out and drop. Then talk to the Dom and if they don't know about it, or how to react/respond to it, I'd back off.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Red flags popping up everywhere right now.

Meet for a social first to discuss everything.

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By *ewexperience83 OP Couple
over a year ago

Ellesmere Port

There certainly is at the moment my gut instinct is to back off

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

ive found it very difficult to find a proper dom guy as in my experience most have been in my opinion merely aggressive bullys

one insisted I touched my own mother up for his arousal and when I refused he just got nasty real nasty saying I wasn't sub at all and made threats to me and my home would be torched !! be careful do ur homework xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thank you huni, I get the same impression from them too X "
what's your husband view of you being sub to another couple?

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By *heartsasoneCouple
over a year ago

home PL19 or on boat PL4

OP I have read this thread with great interest and have to say you have been given some very sound advise. A little snippet from me Lynn

I never thought I had a sub bone in my body I had and have a very good job when I met Alan a long time ago he was very dominant and in control of his life and all that worked with him. I had known him for 6 months just as a fellow worker but there was a presence about him and anything he asked I would do without question never even thinking about it ( this was nothing sexual at all just friends ) it was a progression of our feelings and trust then one day he said he wanted to have me as his sub I had no idea about being sub or what it was but I knew I could trust him and he would always be in my heart. We have been together many years and there is not one moment I have ever thought of anything else.

So the meaning of my note is

Trust respect time don't go into something like a bull in a china shop

To ask your limits straight away is a big worry . Master and sub or slave should grow together you will both get the most out of your partnership.

Good look xx

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By *ewexperience83 OP Couple
over a year ago

Ellesmere Port

"Thank you huni, I get the same impression from them too X what's your husband view of you being sub to another couple? "

He does like the idea but we both agree this should be fully discussed with said couple they would have full control

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By *ewexperience83 OP Couple
over a year ago

Ellesmere Port

[Removed by poster at 25/07/16 17:31:34]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've known subs who were unfortunately drawn into abusive relationships by mistaking bullying for dominance.

I'm dominant but I also worship my subs.

I insist on mutual consent and earned trust.

It's a full and equal partnership with the ultimate veto belonging to the sub.

My needs are fulfilled by releasing the dubs inhibitions and through trust, providing them with intimate experiences and both sexual and erotic sensorial experiences that might otherwise pass them by.

If a sub is feeling weak or inferior I will concentrate my efforts on building up confidence and self esteem before embarking on any activities that might do harm.

Even after extreme pain, watersports or degrading or humiliating a sub, great lengths must be gone to in order that the sub knows that playtime is over and the humans involved love and respect each other.

There are hugs aplenty.

Pain recedes but psychological harm can be permanent.

The responsibility of a dom to their sub is of the utmost importance.

In my view, as a dom I need to be more loving and more caring, if that's possible.

An abuser is not a dom and abuse is not dominance.

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

"I've known subs who were unfortunately drawn into abusive relationships by mistaking bullying for dominance.

I'm dominant but I also worship my subs.

I insist on mutual consent and earned trust.

It's a full and equal partnership with the ultimate veto belonging to the sub.

If a sub is feeling weak or inferior I will concentrate my efforts on building up confidence and self esteem before embarking on any activities that might do harm.

There are hugs aplenty.

Pain recedes but psychological harm can be permanent.

The responsibility of a dom to their sub is of the utmost importance.

In my view, as a dom I need to be more loving and more caring, if that's possible.

An abuser is not a dom and abuse is not dominance. "
well said that man xx

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By *ndykayMan
over a year ago

Falkirk

As someone who has had subs in the past.....walk away.

I'm sorry OP, waaaay too many alarm bells for me I'm afraid

But don't let it stop you exploring. If it's something you are interested in, speak to other couples and get a feel for things but don't jump in without getting to know someone.

Being a sub is not about being tied up and used for a quick shag.

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By *ndykayMan
over a year ago

Falkirk

"I've known subs who were unfortunately drawn into abusive relationships by mistaking bullying for dominance.

I'm dominant but I also worship my subs.

I insist on mutual consent and earned trust.

It's a full and equal partnership with the ultimate veto belonging to the sub.

If a sub is feeling weak or inferior I will concentrate my efforts on building up confidence and self esteem before embarking on any activities that might do harm.

There are hugs aplenty.

Pain recedes but psychological harm can be permanent.

The responsibility of a dom to their sub is of the utmost importance.

In my view, as a dom I need to be more loving and more caring, if that's possible.

An abuser is not a dom and abuse is not dominance. well said that man xx

Perfectly put

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By *ewexperience83 OP Couple
over a year ago

Ellesmere Port

Thanks everyone you have all helped a lot, I did feel before I posted this thread very in the dark about a sub/Dom relationship.

I couldnt quite but a finger on how I was feeling about it until all of your views and comments I just knew I felt uneasy about it all.

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