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can you be dominated?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Just want to know if you can have a sub dom relationship if you don't swop as in couples ??? I'm just asking cos I asked for a break in swopping. I have to give up being dominated now as well just get told it's my choice cos I said I missed it. I know that. I'm just asking if people think I'm asking too much.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Many people have a D/s relationship who don't even venture into swinging at all let alone doing full swap stuff.

Anyone who says you cant have a D/s relationship without swinging is lying. D/s relationships don't even have to be sexual at all. Infact a good number of BDSM practitioners don't have sex under the BDSM format at all.

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By *lik and PaulCouple
over a year ago

cahoots

I am assume you mean being dominated by your partner?...why should that change just because you've given up swapping.?

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By *ecretgamesMan
over a year ago

the moon


"I am assume you mean being dominated by your partner?...why should that change just because you've given up swapping.?"

I don't see what swapping has to do with your relationship outside of here !!

Of course you can!!

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"Just want to know if you can have a sub dom relationship if you don't swop as in couples ??? I'm just asking cos I asked for a break in swopping. I have to give up being dominated now as well just get told it's my choice cos I said I missed it. I know that. I'm just asking if people think I'm asking too much. "

As with everything this is for negotiation between the two of you, what other people do or think is irrelevant. If you aren't happy with how things are and your partner isn't happy with how you want things to be you need to find a compromise that you are both prepared to accept.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When we play with a submissive, we do it with no sexual play involved usually.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

With my ex i could be by him and only him... takes alot of trust

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By *piritsonfabCouple
over a year ago

Nottingham

Seems you're saying that your Dominant is saying he won't be that anymore if you don't continue swinging....

That's emotional blackmail to me and nothing a worthwhile Dom would stoop to....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Seems you're saying that your Dominant is saying he won't be that anymore if you don't continue swinging....

That's emotional blackmail to me and nothing a worthwhile Dom would stoop to.... "

That's my thoughts too. It sounds manipulative and controlling.

It's easy to separate kink and swinging. And it's easy to separate how you play together and how you play with others.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

No he's not saying that just I gave up being dominated by asking to not play with couples or single guys. I miss it the being told what to do etc but it's not worth the pressure I was feeling x I just was asking can it carry on the domineering being told what to wear etc I miss this side of it

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"No he's not saying that just I gave up being dominated by asking to not play with couples or single guys. I miss it the being told what to do etc but it's not worth the pressure I was feeling x I just was asking can it carry on the domineering being told what to wear etc I miss this side of it "

As I said, chat to him

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By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville

Sorry to say but it sounds like a form of blackmail? Why can't you have one without the other?!

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By *piritsonfabCouple
over a year ago

Nottingham

It can work however you agree. But being dominant isn't the same as being domineering. .. there's a VERY big difference.

And there's no need for dominance to be stopped just because swinging has.

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By *olden RatioWoman
over a year ago

Buckinghamshire

OP, do you mean that you would be dominated by people you swung with and not by your partner? And because you've stopped swinging this is why you're not being dominated any more?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"OP, do you mean that you would be dominated by people you swung with and not by your partner? And because you've stopped swinging this is why you're not being dominated any more?"

No only by my sex partner. I asked to stop swinging so my dominant partner says I can't be dominated anymore. I understand it but I miss it lol x

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By *umpleteazerWoman
over a year ago

Flintshire


"OP, do you mean that you would be dominated by people you swung with and not by your partner? And because you've stopped swinging this is why you're not being dominated any more?

No only by my sex partner. I asked to stop swinging so my dominant partner says I can't be dominated anymore. I understand it but I miss it lol x"

Has he said why he can't dominate you anymore?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sounds like he's trying to blackmail you into carrying on swinging. Does he struggle to meet people without you being there?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Find someone else

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 26/02/16 18:31:11]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Dom sub relationship does not need anyone outside of that relationship involved..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

you need to find a proper dom (top) who puts your needs first the guy your with sounds like an ass

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Plenty of people have BDSM relationships and are monogamous.

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham


"Seems you're saying that your Dominant is saying he won't be that anymore if you don't continue swinging....

That's emotional blackmail to me and nothing a worthwhile Dom would stoop to.... "

Just what I was thinking.

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By *olden RatioWoman
over a year ago

Buckinghamshire


"OP, do you mean that you would be dominated by people you swung with and not by your partner? And because you've stopped swinging this is why you're not being dominated any more?

No only by my sex partner. I asked to stop swinging so my dominant partner says I can't be dominated anymore. I understand it but I miss it lol x"

That's not cool. Like others have said, it sounds as if he is trying to blackmail you back into swinging. Part of domination is to care for your partner, and it doesn't sound like he's giving you much of that!!! Nobody deserves to be treated like that. X

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By *enard ArgenteMan
over a year ago

London and France

Of course you can be sub/ Dom without swinging .

Sounds to me that your partner doesn't understand true Dom behaviour.

And that you don't have a proper Dom/ Sub relationship.

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk


"OP, do you mean that you would be dominated by people you swung with and not by your partner? And because you've stopped swinging this is why you're not being dominated any more?

No only by my sex partner. I asked to stop swinging so my dominant partner says I can't be dominated anymore. I understand it but I miss it lol x"

But you're still sexual partners?

It sounds like he's saying if he can't have what he wants (swinging), you can't have what you want (domination).

Personally I'd dump his arse if that is the case.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Part of being dominant can be pushing your boundaries. If making you swing was pushing them and you enjoyed that then great, you both got what you wanted at the time and it worked then.

If now you wanna put boundaries back to what they were previously then fine, you're allowed to do that.

No dominant would ever force you to do what you don't want to do, and not covertly with manipulation. Sadists would though. Some dominants are sadists, but being dominant does not equal being sadist.

You're with a dominant sadist i think?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"No he's not saying that just I gave up being dominated by asking to not play with couples or single guys. I miss it the being told what to do etc but it's not worth the pressure I was feeling x I just was asking can it carry on the domineering being told what to wear etc I miss this side of it "

As others have said, you can be D/s without swinging and lots do. Some without sex involved at all in their style of play.

You were feeling under pressure and you shouldn't feel like that. He should respect your feelings in that. You can still play D/s, if he's saying you can't - you need to talk to him to find a way forward.

In my mind though - you shouldn't swing if it's not what you want at the moment. A good Dom would understand that - they care and nurture their sub. There are many other ways to push you boundaries and give you both pleasure.

Sarah

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Seems you're saying that your Dominant is saying he won't be that anymore if you don't continue swinging....

That's emotional blackmail to me and nothing a worthwhile Dom would stoop to....

That's my thoughts too. It sounds manipulative and controlling.

It's easy to separate kink and swinging. And it's easy to separate how you play together and how you play with others. "
.

Both the posts in this echo my feelings...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Just want to know if you can have a sub dom relationship if you don't swop as in couples ??? I'm just asking cos I asked for a break in swopping. I have to give up being dominated now as well just get told it's my choice cos I said I missed it. I know that. I'm just asking if people think I'm asking too much.

As with everything this is for negotiation between the two of you, what other people do or think is irrelevant. If you aren't happy with how things are and your partner isn't happy with how you want things to be you need to find a compromise that you are both prepared to accept."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"No he's not saying that just I gave up being dominated by asking to not play with couples or single guys. I miss it the being told what to do etc but it's not worth the pressure I was feeling x I just was asking can it carry on the domineering being told what to wear etc I miss this side of it "

I think he is saying that it's his way or the highway. He obviously see dominance in a different way to you. If you can't find common ground then you are on a hiding to nothing. You should always stay true to yourself first.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"No he's not saying that just I gave up being dominated by asking to not play with couples or single guys. I miss it the being told what to do etc but it's not worth the pressure I was feeling x I just was asking can it carry on the domineering being told what to wear etc I miss this side of it

I think he is saying that it's his way or the highway. He obviously see dominance in a different way to you. If you can't find common ground then you are on a hiding to nothing. You should always stay true to yourself first. "

I agree with the above and Affectionate Bitches comments.

Being a dom and making the sub sleep with others are not intertwined.

However it is not an uncommon practice in some areas of domination. As mentioned above it is seen by some as training andnot only part of the exercise of domination but helping the sub let out the sub's inner desires.

I don't see emotional blackmail in the situatuon, merely choices, as any emotional blackmail could be seen as being performed by both by the dom and OP against each other and has reached a Mexican standoff.

Actually framing it as emotional blackmail is saying that OP does not have a choice, which she does.

Many people in the fetish community have relationships that in their performance are not equatable to vanilla relationship. However the bedrock is still trust, respect and common goals, but the way they exercise them may be very different.

Therefore the requirement to swing may be a statement of how he exercises his dominance and it is not a sub/ dominant relationship if you do not accept his dominance.

To use a facetious example if a man asks a woman to be his mistress and she requires him to lick her boots and he refuses, they can't have a relationship if he does not accept her authority. Other mistresses may not require the boot licking but those two can't have relationship.

Therefore ut appears that OP and her dom now have different goals.

The choices are renegotiating of the relationship so that the dom changes his requirements, OP adjusting her goals or OP walking away.

At the end of the day the decision is in OP's hands.

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By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

You don't think he's using the op's feelings and emotions against her?

Seems pretty clear to me he's saying 'Swing or lose the D/s too' and losing the D/s clearly is something far more valuable to the op. I'd bet he knows that too.

Maybe it was negotiated at the beginning of the relationship and the op has changed her mind in which case he would have a point and a right to object. Or maybe her 'Dom' is being domineering and using emotional blackmail or coercion using her feelings.

Also if he is using swinging to enable his sub to explore her inner submissive and desires then clearly he doesn't understand his sub because she is uncomfortable with the situation and doesn't want to be in it. I understand that being comfortable isn't a pre-requisit but wanting to be there is!

Either way op, the only way this gets resolved is further communication and renegotiation of your relationship. If the Dominance comes at a cost of doing something you don't want to do, then at what point does Dominance become a domineering partner.

To answer you question directly. No D/s does not have to involve swopping partners, far from it.

Good luck

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By *izzabelle and well hungCouple
over a year ago

Edinburgh.


"Seems you're saying that your Dominant is saying he won't be that anymore if you don't continue swinging....

That's emotional blackmail to me and nothing a worthwhile Dom would stoop to.... "

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By *hocko87Man
over a year ago

dublin

A sub dome relationship is like any relationship n it's between 2 partners n what goes between each partner is their business n no one else's . U need to talk to each other n discuss what ur needs are n what u want . Happy fabbing .

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