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Tips for entering a mutually acceptable D/s relationship

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Dominance and submission

TOP 10 SIGNS HE'S AN ASSHOLE, NOT A DOMINANT

For all the single submissives out there looking for love, I get it. No really, I do. You yearn to submit to a Dominant, and it seems like finding the right one is nearly impossible. Many of you will take what you can get because you don’t think you deserve better. Others don’t seem to know the difference between genuine affection or interest and the assholes who are waiting in wings for you.

I often go on lengthy diatribes about what’s okay and what isn’t between a Dominant and a submissive. I also frequently go on rants because people are made to feel that normal, healthy desires or sexual activities can’t have a place in BDSM. For anyone who doesn’t have the time for all that, here’s a handy-dandy list of what separates the Dominants from the assholes so you’ll know one when you find them.

Note: This is directed at male Dominants for two reasons. One, that’s my main experience, and two, I’ve never heard of Dommes pulling this kind of crap. If they do, share with me in the comments below so everyone can be aware.

1. He demands you call him Sir or Master from the moment you meet. You’re a submissive, not his submissive. I advocate being respectful until he gives you a reason not to be, but anyone who demands a title before it’s earned needs to be ignored.

2. He starts out an introduction with a dick pic. No Dominant is going to send you this without some sort of agreement between the two of you. It’s just not going to happen.

3. He sends you unsolicited instructions of how to please him or orders to obey. Did you talk about this list? Was there communication and consent? If not, this is just another poser.

4. He ignores your hard limits. Don’t just walk away from this loser, fucking run. Ignoring your clearly identified and communicated limits is the sign of an asshole and an abuser. A Dominant will push your limits, sure, but not without first talking to you – a lot.

5. He disregards your safe word.Yes, some Dominants out there claim not to play with a safe word. I find that dicey but won’t pass too much judgment. If you use a safe word, though, it should be respected. Ignoring this is just more abuse.

6. He lies. I know some people will say that everyone lies. White lies to save face or feelings. Most Dominants I know are honest to a fault. Think about it. How can you communicate openly and honestly if you’ll lie about things – big or small? John Brownstone doesn’t lie; he simply refrains from speaking until the time is right to tell the truth. I can respect that.

7. He thinks more about his pleasure than your own. Caveat: if you’ve negotiated a relationship where this is acceptable to both of you (yes, that’s possible), that’s okay. Not my kink, but okay. I’m referring to the jerk who gets off and then ignores you or doesn’t listen when you tell him your preferences.

8. He makes you feel bad about yourself. I’m not talking about a humiliation fetish in the middle of a scene or even as part of an on-going relationship. I’m talking about the soul-sucking, self-esteem shattering bullshit that makes you feel less than human and unworthy of love and affection. D/s should build both people up, not tear you down.

9. He separates you from family and friends. Okay, let’s be honest here. Some people are just bad for us. They make us feel bad and doubt our self worth. I don’t mean those people. I’m talking about loving relationships with friends and family. A good Dominant wants a happy, healthy submissive – and isolating you from people who care about you won’t achieve that. Frankly, it will simply show that he’s selfish and, most likely, insecure.

10. He tells you that you’re not a “real” submissive because you have your own opinions. In a D/s relationship, how you express those opinions will vary based on your consensual, negotiated agreement but you should always have your own opinions. The other flavor that goes with this one is that you’re not a real submissive because you’re too independent, aggressive, or (best of all) not willing to do what you’re told by someone you just met who claims to be a Dominant. (Insert big, fat eyeroll.)

Assuming you’re online when these things occur (and it usually does), I also think you can be proactive in dealing with these men. First of all, you are under no obligation to reply to a message that includes anything you find offensive. If you tell them to stop or to leave you alone, you can and should ignore them. You don’t have to continue following or being “friends” with these people online. The unfollow, unfriend, and block features are all there for a reason. Use them. If it crosses over to harassment, you should report them to whichever site you’re on.

Once you’re in a relationship, you must remember that you’re free to end it. You are allowed to withdraw your consent. If he doesn’t listen, he’s no longer acting as a Dominant. Now he’s an abuser. And he should be treated as such – even if that means getting the law involved. Your physical, emotional, and mental well-being truly are that important.

If someone does a couple of the things on this list, they might (but I doubt it) simply be too new to understand how D/s really works. I’d give them the benefit of the doubt, but I’d also move on and not engage with them. Let them learn the hard way – or end up alone, either way works for me. When you come across the guy who does most of these things, he’s not a Dominant. He’s an asshole. Don’t waste your time or breath on him.

and you need to remember it and believe it.

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By *hocko87Man
over a year ago

dublin

No just cos ur a submissive a domm should if he r she is a proper domm always respect ur boundaries . I've never been in a domm relationship but know a good lot of things about it . Trust is a major thing in this lifestyle n u need to trust ur domm n they have to earn ur trust so it works both ways .

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By *hocko87Man
over a year ago

dublin

Female domms can b bullies as much as male domms think they can do what they like . Both parties want to enjoy this lifestyle not to bullied n just beaten .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes...have you agree with all your points, I've seen quite a few "Dom's" who do some or all of these...well written and laid out, thanks for the effort you've gone to with this

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"If someone does a couple of the things on this list, they might (but I doubt it) simply be too new to understand how D/s really works. I’d give them the benefit of the doubt, but I’d also move on and not engage with them. Let them learn the hard way – or end up alone, either way works for me. When you come across the guy who does most of these things, he’s not a Dominant. He’s an asshole. Don’t waste your time or breath on him.

and you need to remember it and believe it."

Oh.

Did you write that yourself? Because I disagree with quite a few things you've written - and I'm hardly a newbie to the BDSM scene.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Somebody may be telling porkies on the internet

Because this apparently female blogger said the same things a year ago

http://kaylalords.com/2015/04/top-10-signs-hes-an-asshole-not-a-dominant/

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Somebody may be telling porkies on the internet

Because this apparently female blogger said the same things a year ago

http://kaylalords.com/2015/04/top-10-signs-hes-an-asshole-not-a-dominant/"

Ah. Someone who takes credit for other peoples work. Who needs integrity in a BDSM relationship?

(I thought I'd seen it before...)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Somebody may be telling porkies on the internet

Because this apparently female blogger said the same things a year ago

http://kaylalords.com/2015/04/top-10-signs-hes-an-asshole-not-a-dominant/

Ah. Someone who takes credit for other peoples work. Who needs integrity in a BDSM relationship?

(I thought I'd seen it before...)"

And posted on two forums, boring

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Or... How about those involved discuss what they do and don't like, what they are and aren't comfortable with, give explicit consent, keep within those boundaries until a further discussion takes place then repeat?!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Somebody may be telling porkies on the internet

Because this apparently female blogger said the same things a year ago

http://kaylalords.com/2015/04/top-10-signs-hes-an-asshole-not-a-dominant/"
I saw it a few years ago on another site x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I find the list very helpful even if it is pointing out the obvious, sometimes the obvious things are those you miss.

it's good for me so thanks x

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By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire


"Somebody may be telling porkies on the internet

Because this apparently female blogger said the same things a year ago

http://kaylalords.com/2015/04/top-10-signs-hes-an-asshole-not-a-dominant/

Ah. Someone who takes credit for other peoples work. Who needs integrity in a BDSM relationship?

(I thought I'd seen it before...)"

Ohdear lol

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By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire


"If someone does a couple of the things on this list, they might (but I doubt it) simply be too new to understand how D/s really works. I’d give them the benefit of the doubt, but I’d also move on and not engage with them. Let them learn the hard way – or end up alone, either way works for me. When you come across the guy who does most of these things, he’s not a Dominant. He’s an asshole. Don’t waste your time or breath on him.

and you need to remember it and believe it.

Oh.

Did you write that yourself? Because I disagree with quite a few things you've written - and I'm hardly a newbie to the BDSM scene."

I'm intrigued. Would you share which bits you disagree with and why?

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By *ivinefoxWoman
over a year ago

Coventry

I thought it was a pretty good list tbh. It takes time, trust and communication to create a good D/s relationship. And that involves meeting a person for real and them taking the time to find out your likes/ dislikes and limits. Anyone who won't take the time to do this isn't worth bothering with.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I thought it was a pretty good list tbh. It takes time, trust and communication to create a good D/s relationship. And that involves meeting a person for real and them taking the time to find out your likes/ dislikes and limits. Anyone who won't take the time to do this isn't worth bothering with. "
. I agree x

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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge


"Somebody may be telling porkies on the internet

Because this apparently female blogger said the same things a year ago

http://kaylalords.com/2015/04/top-10-signs-hes-an-asshole-not-a-dominant/

Ah. Someone who takes credit for other peoples work. Who needs integrity in a BDSM relationship?

(I thought I'd seen it before...)

Ohdear lol

"
its been floating around on various fetish /bdsm forums for at least the last 8 years pretty good basisfor those who are new to the fetish scene

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By *ilk_TreMan
over a year ago

Wherever the party is!

Somebody once said, "There's nothing new under the sun".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Did you write that yourself? Because I disagree with quite a few things you've written - and I'm hardly a newbie to the BDSM scene.

I'm intrigued. Would you share which bits you disagree with and why?"

Lets see...


"

1. He demands you call him Sir or Master from the moment you meet. You’re a submissive, not his submissive. I advocate being respectful until he gives you a reason not to be, but anyone who demands a title before it’s earned needs to be ignored.

"

I called my partner sir from the moment we met. If you're playing and it feels right, then do it. He told me to call him sir, so I called him it.


"

2. He starts out an introduction with a dick pic. No Dominant is going to send you this without some sort of agreement between the two of you. It’s just not going to happen.

"

I like penises. I'm always interested in what prospective playmates partners penises look like. If you don't plan to have sexual contact I could see how it wouldn't be relevant. And not everyone likes it. But it doesn't mean he's not dominant because he sends penis pictures.


"

3. He sends you unsolicited instructions of how to please him or orders to obey. Did you talk about this list? Was there communication and consent? If not, this is just another poser.

"

Sometimes I get an unsolicited instruction of something I should do from my partner. Sometimes I do it. I had instructions for the first time I met my partner. He's not a poser.


"

4. He ignores your hard limits. Don’t just walk away from this loser, fucking run. Ignoring your clearly identified and communicated limits is the sign of an asshole and an abuser. A Dominant will push your limits, sure, but not without first talking to you – a lot.

"

Actually, I don't agree that a dominant should 'push your limits'. Limits are not there to be pushed. They are there to be kept the fuck away from. If you can push limits, what's the point in having them?

Also this statement completely ignores that there are other ways of playing - like consensual non consent.


"

5. He disregards your safe word.Yes, some Dominants out there claim not to play with a safe word. I find that dicey but won’t pass too much judgment. If you use a safe word, though, it should be respected. Ignoring this is just more abuse.

"

My partner and I have 'plain language safe words'. We say no or stop if we don't want to carry on. It is part of our play that sometimes we ignore those requests to stop. And yes, she is passing judgement. You know what we don't need in a marginalised subculture? People passing fucking judgement.


"

6. He lies. I know some people will say that everyone lies. White lies to save face or feelings. Most Dominants I know are honest to a fault. Think about it. How can you communicate openly and honestly if you’ll lie about things – big or small? John Brownstone doesn’t lie; he simply refrains from speaking until the time is right to tell the truth. I can respect that.

"

She says 'people shouldn't lie' and then 'people don't always have to tell the truth'. Make your mind up. Either people can lie or people can't. But here's a hint - very few people actually like radical honesty.


"

7. He thinks more about his pleasure than your own. Caveat: if you’ve negotiated a relationship where this is acceptable to both of you (yes, that’s possible), that’s okay. Not my kink, but okay. I’m referring to the jerk who gets off and then ignores you or doesn’t listen when you tell him your preferences.

"

No, you see, this is also cool in the right circumstances. And you don't have to negotiate a relationship. When I play with guys in clubs I don't really care about their pleasure, only about mie. And I'm not an abuser or a power. It's just that with some people, that's the deal.

Basically, it's all a bit fucking judgey. And you know what? I'm getting remarkably fed up of being judged by other kinksters just because I don't do kink how they think kink should be done.

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By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire


"Did you write that yourself? Because I disagree with quite a few things you've written - and I'm hardly a newbie to the BDSM scene.

I'm intrigued. Would you share which bits you disagree with and why?

Lets see...

1. He demands you call him Sir or Master from the moment you meet. You’re a submissive, not his submissive. I advocate being respectful until he gives you a reason not to be, but anyone who demands a title before it’s earned needs to be ignored.

I called my partner sir from the moment we met. If you're playing and it feels right, then do it. He told me to call him sir, so I called him it.

2. He starts out an introduction with a dick pic. No Dominant is going to send you this without some sort of agreement between the two of you. It’s just not going to happen.

I like penises. I'm always interested in what prospective playmates partners penises look like. If you don't plan to have sexual contact I could see how it wouldn't be relevant. And not everyone likes it. But it doesn't mean he's not dominant because he sends penis pictures.

3. He sends you unsolicited instructions of how to please him or orders to obey. Did you talk about this list? Was there communication and consent? If not, this is just another poser.

Sometimes I get an unsolicited instruction of something I should do from my partner. Sometimes I do it. I had instructions for the first time I met my partner. He's not a poser.

4. He ignores your hard limits. Don’t just walk away from this loser, fucking run. Ignoring your clearly identified and communicated limits is the sign of an asshole and an abuser. A Dominant will push your limits, sure, but not without first talking to you – a lot.

Actually, I don't agree that a dominant should 'push your limits'. Limits are not there to be pushed. They are there to be kept the fuck away from. If you can push limits, what's the point in having them?

Also this statement completely ignores that there are other ways of playing - like consensual non consent.

5. He disregards your safe word.Yes, some Dominants out there claim not to play with a safe word. I find that dicey but won’t pass too much judgment. If you use a safe word, though, it should be respected. Ignoring this is just more abuse.

My partner and I have 'plain language safe words'. We say no or stop if we don't want to carry on. It is part of our play that sometimes we ignore those requests to stop. And yes, she is passing judgement. You know what we don't need in a marginalised subculture? People passing fucking judgement.

6. He lies. I know some people will say that everyone lies. White lies to save face or feelings. Most Dominants I know are honest to a fault. Think about it. How can you communicate openly and honestly if you’ll lie about things – big or small? John Brownstone doesn’t lie; he simply refrains from speaking until the time is right to tell the truth. I can respect that.

She says 'people shouldn't lie' and then 'people don't always have to tell the truth'. Make your mind up. Either people can lie or people can't. But here's a hint - very few people actually like radical honesty.

7. He thinks more about his pleasure than your own. Caveat: if you’ve negotiated a relationship where this is acceptable to both of you (yes, that’s possible), that’s okay. Not my kink, but okay. I’m referring to the jerk who gets off and then ignores you or doesn’t listen when you tell him your preferences.

No, you see, this is also cool in the right circumstances. And you don't have to negotiate a relationship. When I play with guys in clubs I don't really care about their pleasure, only about mie. And I'm not an abuser or a power. It's just that with some people, that's the deal.

Basically, it's all a bit fucking judgey. And you know what? I'm getting remarkably fed up of being judged by other kinksters just because I don't do kink how they think kink should be done."

Thanks, interesting angle I'd not looked at it from.

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham


"Somebody may be telling porkies on the internet

Because this apparently female blogger said the same things a year ago

http://kaylalords.com/2015/04/top-10-signs-hes-an-asshole-not-a-dominant/"

does it matter if i was posted somewhere else before? ok he didnt say someone else had written in but equally, does that matter?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Somebody may be telling porkies on the internet

Because this apparently female blogger said the same things a year ago

http://kaylalords.com/2015/04/top-10-signs-hes-an-asshole-not-a-dominant/

does it matter if i was posted somewhere else before? ok he didnt say someone else had written in but equally, does that matter?"
it is very good advice and seen it quoted many times.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Did you write that yourself? Because I disagree with quite a few things you've written - and I'm hardly a newbie to the BDSM scene.

I'm intrigued. Would you share which bits you disagree with and why?

Lets see...

1. He demands you call him Sir or Master from the moment you meet. You’re a submissive, not his submissive. I advocate being respectful until he gives you a reason not to be, but anyone who demands a title before it’s earned needs to be ignored.

I called my partner sir from the moment we met. If you're playing and it feels right, then do it. He told me to call him sir, so I called him it.

2. He starts out an introduction with a dick pic. No Dominant is going to send you this without some sort of agreement between the two of you. It’s just not going to happen.

I like penises. I'm always interested in what prospective playmates partners penises look like. If you don't plan to have sexual contact I could see how it wouldn't be relevant. And not everyone likes it. But it doesn't mean he's not dominant because he sends penis pictures.

3. He sends you unsolicited instructions of how to please him or orders to obey. Did you talk about this list? Was there communication and consent? If not, this is just another poser.

Sometimes I get an unsolicited instruction of something I should do from my partner. Sometimes I do it. I had instructions for the first time I met my partner. He's not a poser.

4. He ignores your hard limits. Don’t just walk away from this loser, fucking run. Ignoring your clearly identified and communicated limits is the sign of an asshole and an abuser. A Dominant will push your limits, sure, but not without first talking to you – a lot.

Actually, I don't agree that a dominant should 'push your limits'. Limits are not there to be pushed. They are there to be kept the fuck away from. If you can push limits, what's the point in having them?

Also this statement completely ignores that there are other ways of playing - like consensual non consent.

5. He disregards your safe word.Yes, some Dominants out there claim not to play with a safe word. I find that dicey but won’t pass too much judgment. If you use a safe word, though, it should be respected. Ignoring this is just more abuse.

My partner and I have 'plain language safe words'. We say no or stop if we don't want to carry on. It is part of our play that sometimes we ignore those requests to stop. And yes, she is passing judgement. You know what we don't need in a marginalised subculture? People passing fucking judgement.

6. He lies. I know some people will say that everyone lies. White lies to save face or feelings. Most Dominants I know are honest to a fault. Think about it. How can you communicate openly and honestly if you’ll lie about things – big or small? John Brownstone doesn’t lie; he simply refrains from speaking until the time is right to tell the truth. I can respect that.

She says 'people shouldn't lie' and then 'people don't always have to tell the truth'. Make your mind up. Either people can lie or people can't. But here's a hint - very few people actually like radical honesty.

7. He thinks more about his pleasure than your own. Caveat: if you’ve negotiated a relationship where this is acceptable to both of you (yes, that’s possible), that’s okay. Not my kink, but okay. I’m referring to the jerk who gets off and then ignores you or doesn’t listen when you tell him your preferences.

No, you see, this is also cool in the right circumstances. And you don't have to negotiate a relationship. When I play with guys in clubs I don't really care about their pleasure, only about mie. And I'm not an abuser or a power. It's just that with some people, that's the deal.

Basically, it's all a bit fucking judgey. And you know what? I'm getting remarkably fed up of being judged by other kinksters just because I don't do kink how they think kink should be done."

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