FabSwingers.com forum: The discreet thing

By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

My ex once said he wished I'd just had affairs rather than end our marriage. I'm back in the same situation and effectively given the same go-ahead - do what you have to, don't risk us. And in theory, THIS is the website. Yes? No?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes - have your cake AND eat it!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My ex once said he wished I'd just had affairs rather than end our marriage. I'm back in the same situation and effectively given the same go-ahead - do what you have to, don't risk us. And in theory, THIS is the website. Yes? No? "

Agree with most of this, but not that Fab is a site (or rather, it shouldn't be) for facilitating affairs

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I'm a bit confused by this because a recent post of yours asked if this was the right place to find love.

I would say that you are possibly in the right place for either but to be looking for both might mislead.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Seen as this is a swingers site why don't you suggest you play together instead of going behind his back and you can be both happy ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Go for what you want in life with people who enjoy what you want and want similar.

Plenty of sites you can find extra marital sex or hook ups, some sites are specifically for that.

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

"Agree with most of this, but not that Fab is a site (or rather, it shouldn't be) for facilitating affairs"

That's the bit that doesn't sit easy with me.

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

"I'm a bit confused by this because a recent post of yours asked if this was the right place to find love.

I would say that you are possibly in the right place for either but to be looking for both might mislead."

I'm in a loving relationship BUT the sex is poor to non-existent and my last post was wishing, really, I could find sex and love. To dream the impossible dream?

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

"Seen as this is a swingers site why don't you suggest you play together instead of going behind his back and you can be both happy ?"

Not behind his back, as such. He is okay with me finding my own solution to our problem. At this point, though, he doesn't want to know how. Or any details at all. That could change, fingers crossed.

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

"Go for what you want in life with people who enjoy what you want and want similar.

Plenty of sites you can find extra marital sex or hook ups, some sites are specifically for that."

This site was recommended by a guy I know, he's on here

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Seen as this is a swingers site why don't you suggest you play together instead of going behind his back and you can be both happy ?"

I'm pretty sure swinging never fixed a failing relationship.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I'm a bit confused by this because a recent post of yours asked if this was the right place to find love.

I would say that you are possibly in the right place for either but to be looking for both might mislead.

I'm in a loving relationship BUT the sex is poor to non-existent and my last post was wishing, really, I could find sex and love. To dream the impossible dream? "

It isn't an impossible dream but I'd advise caution in your situation, it could get messy and someone could get hurt. (I know you know that).

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your situation sounds complicated and potentially volatile, i certainly, even if i was looking to meet, wouldn't go near it. However there are plenty of guys who will. Good luck to you and your husband. But remember this. It takes 2 to tango.

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

Boils down to this - I'm with a guy and it's good BUT sex is now virtually out the picture. Dump the good relationship? No... Risk it with an affair? No. Have occasional NSA sex? Not easy for us to discuss that but he's not asking me to turn celibate for life. Just asking me to not confront him with whatever I decide to do. I do have a FB but he's looking for a relationship. So - Fab is a possible solution.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Boils down to this - I'm with a guy and it's good BUT sex is now virtually out the picture. Dump the good relationship? No... Risk it with an affair? No. Have occasional NSA sex? Not easy for us to discuss that but he's not asking me to turn celibate for life. Just asking me to not confront him with whatever I decide to do. I do have a FB but he's looking for a relationship. So - Fab is a possible solution. "

Sounds to me like you already know the answer.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm a bit confused by this because a recent post of yours asked if this was the right place to find love.

I would say that you are possibly in the right place for either but to be looking for both might mislead.

I'm in a loving relationship BUT the sex is poor to non-existent and my last post was wishing, really, I could find sex and love. To dream the impossible dream? "

Even if your husband is genuinely fine for you to have sex behind his back it sounds to me like your husband is going to get hurt. You say you are just looking for sex but are actually dreaming of love and sex so presumably your marriage will be over if you think you have found that dream combination.

So why not just do the decent thing and leave him?

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

"It isn't an impossible dream but I'd advise caution in your situation, it could get messy and someone could get hurt. (I know you know that)."

I do know that, and an affair would be messy as hell. There's an incredibly fine line between liking someone enough for NSA sex, and getting involved with them, and I'm honestly not sure I could stay the right side of the line.

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By *isa 59Woman
over a year ago

Newcastle

"I'm a bit confused by this because a recent post of yours asked if this was the right place to find love.

I would say that you are possibly in the right place for either but to be looking for both might mislead.

I'm in a loving relationship BUT the sex is poor to non-existent and my last post was wishing, really, I could find sex and love. To dream the impossible dream?

So why not just do the decent thing and leave him?"

This

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 06/12/15 11:21:57]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It isn't an impossible dream but I'd advise caution in your situation, it could get messy and someone could get hurt. (I know you know that).

Ah, so your relationship isn't as strong as you're trying to make out?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

By DaleswalkerFind posts by Daleswalker Man

just this minute!

Leeds

"I'm a bit confused by this because a recent post of yours asked if this was the right place to find love.

I would say that you are possibly in the right place for either but to be looking for both might mislead.

I'm in a loving relationship BUT the sex is poor to non-existent and my last post was wishing, really, I could find sex and love. To dream the impossible dream? "

I'm here for exactly the same reason as you but I get a lot of flak or just deleted messages. But there are just few nice people who understand xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This site gives people the opportunity to meet others for sex. There may be one or more people here who want to meet you and vice versa. There are people meeting on here who aren't telling their partners.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Agree with most of this, but not that Fab is a site (or rather, it shouldn't be) for facilitating affairs"

as above - there are actual sites tailored for what you are looking for - speaking from experience though before I get the negative comments, I did end the marriage as in my opinion, had been dead for some time. There are a few risks you need to consider in addition to the obvious, STIs.....

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

"So why not just do the decent thing and leave him?"

Good question. He's not my husband, by the way, so leaving would be uncomplicated. His medical condition puts sex on the back burner, the meds take away all desire. We are great in every other way. He wants me to stay but feels guilty. Just buy toys and play by myself is probably the most loyal alternative.

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

By DaleswalkerFind posts by Daleswalker Man

just this minute!

Leeds

I'm here for exactly the same reason as you but I get a lot of flak or just deleted messages. But there are just few nice people who understand xx"

Thanks.

I guess for some on here sex is the only reason to be together so when there can't be sex, no reason to stay.

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

"This site gives people the opportunity to meet others for sex. There may be one or more people here who want to meet you and vice versa. There are people meeting on here who aren't telling their partners. "

For whatever reason, yup, there are. He's not a man who'd want to watch me with someone else, I know that. And he can't play himself, so playing as a couple not the answer. Anyway, I joined to check the options, not to plunge straight in

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm in a similar situation to you. We do have sex frequently but for me there is very little physical attraction but I absolutely love him so very much. The rest of our relationship is amazing and we have children so I wouldn't want to leave him just over something like sex. I didn't want to go behind his back so we had a similar very difficult and emotional conversation. I know see guys on my own and sometimes we do MMF, it's been a surprise for us both that he actually gets a kick out of it. Lots of painful conversations but communication is so important. Good luck xxx

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"It isn't an impossible dream but I'd advise caution in your situation, it could get messy and someone could get hurt. (I know you know that).

That's what I call a life situation, there's no solution that works for all concerned. The decision is yours to make but the consequences of it might be suffered by other people.

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

Oh help. That would be disastrous! What other risks? I'd be as careful as I could to make sure anyone I met had the same agenda i.e. perhaps also in an otherwise solid relationship with everything to lose.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It can be. Plenty of relationships where each person quietly does their own thing. It's not "permission" and the other party isn't going to get involved in discussing it, but it helps make things work for a lot of people. Fab can be the place, because it's not like every place taken by a "cheater" is denying a "proper swinger" a spot, however much people may bleat about it.

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

"I'm in a similar situation to you. We do have sex frequently but for me there is very little physical attraction but I absolutely love him so very much. The rest of our relationship is amazing and we have children so I wouldn't want to leave him just over something like sex. I didn't want to go behind his back so we had a similar very difficult and emotional conversation. I know see guys on my own and sometimes we do MMF, it's been a surprise for us both that he actually gets a kick out of it. Lots of painful conversations but communication is so important. Good luck xxx"

So carry on with the conversations, then, rather than let it lie with the 'I love you, do whatever it takes if we can stay together and you won't be frustrated and unhappy'? Well done you both. You made it work for you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm pretty sure swinging never fixed a failing relationship."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If I read your post correctly, This is the SECOND time this has happened??

I would be asking myself why twice? whats the common denominator?

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By *ivemeyoursoulWoman
over a year ago

Easter just around the corner!

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

"That's what I call a life situation, there's no solution that works for all concerned. The decision is yours to make but the consequences of it might be suffered by other people."

Honesty up front is the only way but yes totally agree. Also not sure how it would change me, having sex with a man just for sex. I feel odd about it even with my FB, we have an odd relationship. He was a buddy first, but any kind of relationship would be unwise if I do this. His suggestion I joined Fab.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

If you aren't having sex with your partner an STI would presumably be no more disastrous for you than any other person.

The other risks are that you fall in love, a sexual partner falls in love with you, the person that you meet with the same agenda lies about having the same agenda...

What you propose sounds simple on paper and some achieve it but many more don't if anecdotal evidence is correct.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"That's what I call a life situation, there's no solution that works for all concerned. The decision is yours to make but the consequences of it might be suffered by other people.

Do you think having sex for its own sake would change you? What ways have you considered it might? Do you feel that the set up you're looking for is somehow nicer or more moral?

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

"If I read your post correctly, This is the SECOND time this has happened??

I would be asking myself why twice? whats the common denominator?"

I can't walk away from something that works on every other level, my bad. The first time I did leave, and my ex said afterwards he wished I hadn't, had just had affairs. That kind of sticks in my head now. Rightly or wrongly, probably wrongly.

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

"If you aren't having sex with your partner an STI would presumably be no more disastrous for you than any other person.

The other risks are that you fall in love, a sexual partner falls in love with you, the person that you meet with the same agenda lies about having the same agenda...

What you propose sounds simple on paper and some achieve it but many more don't if anecdotal evidence is correct."

We would be having sex once or twice a month, so STI definitely disastrous. Fab seemed an alternative to picking up a total stranger in a pub in that we COULD talk agendas and intentions first. This thread is scaring the pants back onto me!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm confused, did you know when you married him that he wasn't into sex as much as you are and if so why marry him?

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

Do you think having sex for its own sake would change you? What ways have you considered it might? Do you feel that the set up you're looking for is somehow nicer or more moral?"

I've a friend who has sex any chance he can get with anyone, no matter how gross. It smears him, makes him cynical and self-despising. I would HATE to change in that way.

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

"I'm confused, did you know when you married him that he wasn't into sex as much as you are and if so why marry him?"

He's on meds which remove nearly all sex drive. No meds, great sex life, probably die on the job. Meds, great guy will live for years and years but his desire for sex is close to non-existent. Bummer.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm confused, did you know when you married him that he wasn't into sex as much as you are and if so why marry him?

Was he on them though when you met?

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By *c-ukMan
over a year ago

Sevenoaks

being a bit of a cuckie I would just leave your fine arse if you didn't have affairs...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is the website to find nsa sex, there are others but the benefits of this one is its free.

I'm not sure even with being upfront to your partner about finding a solution if you're ready for all this.

If this thread is scaring the pants off you what will an actual meeting do.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

"Was he on them though when you met?"

No.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Do you think having sex for its own sake would change you? What ways have you considered it might? Do you feel that the set up you're looking for is somehow nicer or more moral?

I've a friend who has sex any chance he can get with anyone, no matter how gross. It smears him, makes him cynical and self-despising. I would HATE to change in that way. "

But you aren't proposing to act in that way.

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

"being a bit of a cuckie I would just leave your fine arse if you didn't have affairs..."

Well that would be so much easier haha

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

I've a friend who has sex any chance he can get with anyone, no matter how gross. It smears him, makes him cynical and self-despising. I would HATE to change in that way.

But you aren't proposing to act in that way."

Well, he didn't start out that way. We can change as we push our boundaries.

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

"This is the website to find nsa sex, there are others but the benefits of this one is its free.

I'm not sure even with being upfront to your partner about finding a solution if you're ready for all this.

If this thread is scaring the pants off you what will an actual meeting do.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do

Thanks. Just liked at your profile, excellent!

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I get from this that you want sex outside your relationship with no strings but you don't want to feel that it's no strings. You feel that sex with multiple partners might change you in a bad way but already have a fb and a partner and are looking for at least one more.

My sincere, honest and trying to be helpful advice is get your own head sorted out first and stop trying to dress casual sex up as something else.

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

"I get from this that you want sex outside your relationship with no strings but you don't want to feel that it's no strings. You feel that sex with multiple partners might change you in a bad way but already have a fb and a partner and are looking for at least one more.

My sincere, honest and trying to be helpful advice is get your own head sorted out first and stop trying to dress casual sex up as something else."

Fair comment.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

My sincere, honest and trying to be helpful advice is get your own head sorted out first and stop trying to dress casual sex up as something else.

Fair comment.

And on that note i I'll leave you to it and wish you and all involved luck.

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By *uietlykinkymeWoman
over a year ago

kinky land

By DaleswalkerFind posts by Daleswalker Man

just this minute!

Leeds

I'm here for exactly the same reason as you but I get a lot of flak or just deleted messages. But there are just few nice people who understand xx

Thanks.

I guess for some on here sex is the only reason to be together so when there can't be sex, no reason to stay.

Interesting judgement

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Seen as this is a swingers site why don't you suggest you play together instead of going behind his back and you can be both happy ?

I'm pretty sure swinging never fixed a failing relationship."
I've been told by many on here it has there is no lying involved

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

By DaleswalkerFind posts by Daleswalker Man

just this minute!

Leeds

"I'm a bit confused by this because a recent post of yours asked if this was the right place to find love.

I would say that you are possibly in the right place for either but to be looking for both might mislead.

I'm in a loving relationship BUT the sex is poor to non-existent and my last post was wishing, really, I could find sex and love. To dream the impossible dream? "

I'm here for exactly the same reason as you but I get a lot of flak or just deleted messages. But there are just few nice people who understand xx"

It's not that they understand its that they don't care that you're cheating as its nothing to do with them

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

Thanks.

I guess for some on here sex is the only reason to be together so when there can't be sex, no reason to stay.

Interesting judgement"

You think? I said it works on every other level and still got told to do the decent thing and leave him.

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

". I've been told by many on here it has there is no lying involved "

That's what appealed to me. Setting out the ground rules up front, no misunderstandings, no promises. Can't please everyone and guess what, I don't want everyone. Just those looking for what I am looking for.

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

I'm here for exactly the same reason as you but I get a lot of flak or just deleted messages. But there are just few nice people who understand xx

It's not that they understand its that they don't care that you're cheating as its nothing to do with them "

Some people just like to get judgemental. Best just to nod and smile.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thanks.

I guess for some on here sex is the only reason to be together so when there can't be sex, no reason to stay.

Interesting judgement

You think? I said it works on every other level and still got told to do the decent thing and leave him. "

You are not alone. The stats for sexless relationships runs into the tens of thousands. There are many judgemental people here who have never walked in your shoes, who have a fulfilled sex life, and have never experienced enforced celibacy. There is place for those who have otherwise a good relationship that they don't want to lose yet should not have to forgo what others take for granted. You should not have to live a sexless life. I wish you well in whatever you decide to do.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It can be. Plenty of relationships where each person quietly does their own thing. It's not "permission" and the other party isn't going to get involved in discussing it, but it helps make things work for a lot of people. Fab can be the place, because it's not like every place taken by a "cheater" is denying a "proper swinger" a spot, however much people may bleat about it."

OP only you and your partner know if this could work for you. Similar situations work for lots of people. It's rude of people to tell to you leave him, yet their lives/ relationships are just as unconventional.

There are risks with having sex with other people, no matter how 'strong' a relationship is. Feelings may appear and cause difficulties even with long term married people. You aren't at any more risk of this than anyone else.

Hope you find a way to make this work for both of you.

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

"You are not alone. The stats for sexless relationships runs into the tens of thousands. There are many judgemental people here who have never walked in your shoes, who have a fulfilled sex life, and have never experienced enforced celibacy. There is place for those who have otherwise a good relationship that they don't want to lose yet should not have to forgo what others take for granted. You should not have to live a sexless life. I wish you well in whatever you decide to do. "

Thanks!

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

"OP only you and your partner know if this could work for you. Similar situations work for lots of people. It's rude of people to tell to you leave him, yet their lives/ relationships are just as unconventional.

Hope you find a way to make this work for both of you.

Well, he just found out. One of those accidental mistakes which shrinks tell us aren't mistakes at all. I have no idea what will happen but at least it is in the open now.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you aren't having sex with your partner an STI would presumably be no more disastrous for you than any other person.

The other risks are that you fall in love, a sexual partner falls in love with you, the person that you meet with the same agenda lies about having the same agenda...

What you propose sounds simple on paper and some achieve it but many more don't if anecdotal evidence is correct."

To the OP - the risks I would outline as you questioned, would be very much on the lines of the person's reply.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Well, he just found out. One of those accidental mistakes which shrinks tell us aren't mistakes at all. I have no idea what will happen but at least it is in the open now.

I wish you the best OP. Hope you work something out.

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

"If you aren't having sex with your partner an STI would presumably be no more disastrous for you than any other person.

The other risks are that you fall in love, a sexual partner falls in love with you, the person that you meet with the same agenda lies about having the same agenda...

What you propose sounds simple on paper and some achieve it but many more don't if anecdotal evidence is correct.

To the OP - the risks I would outline as you questioned, would be very much on the lines of the person's reply. "

Scary stuff. One thing I was told was to check verifications closely which is a bit of a chicken and egg situation. As bad as getting on the housing ladder

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

"Well, he just found out. One of those accidental mistakes which shrinks tell us aren't mistakes at all. I have no idea what will happen but at least it is in the open now.

I wish you the best OP. Hope you work something out. "

Not a conversation I'd ever want to have again. But he's a keeper for good reason. xxxxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OP, have you got a sympathetic GP? If your partners meds and medical condition are causing his lack of Labido then would it be possible to change the meds as sometimes there is more than one that may work and the side effects may differ. It may not be possible to change but it's got to be worth the conversation if you haven't already had it.

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By *untimes6969Man
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

Difficult situation and everyone's position will be different!

What's happened or been discussed when he's 'found out'?

Communication is the key to these things, it will be a difficult conversation or two but it can actually pave the way to moving forward! There are plenty of people on here looking for a similar 'relationship' - just find the right person, a mutually beneficial arrangement!

Good luck x

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

"OP, have you got a sympathetic GP? If your partners meds and medical condition are causing his lack of Labido then would it be possible to change the meds as sometimes there is more than one that may work and the side effects may differ. It may not be possible to change but it's got to be worth the conversation if you haven't already had it. "

GP was asked last week, and will be asked again

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

"Difficult situation and everyone's position will be different!

What's happened or been discussed when he's 'found out'?

Good luck x

Thank you! at least we are talking about it. Possible solutions are out there, as you say not a unique situation x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm a bit confused by this because a recent post of yours asked if this was the right place to find love.

I would say that you are possibly in the right place for either but to be looking for both might mislead.

I'm in a loving relationship BUT the sex is poor to non-existent and my last post was wishing, really, I could find sex and love. To dream the impossible dream? "

Our sex life left me very unsatisfied - thats one of the reasons we started swinging. Now we communicate much more about what we want, we have fun with others and we have much more satisfying, loving sex with eachother.

I don't want to go into more detail on here but I am happy to talk to you privately if you want me to share my own experience a little bit more with you. Mandy x

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By *urlyshirley OP Couple
over a year ago

Costa del Sol

"Our sex life left me very unsatisfied - thats one of the reasons we started swinging. Now we communicate much more about what we want, we have fun with others and we have much more satisfying, loving sex with eachother.

I don't want to go into more detail on here but I am happy to talk to you privately if you want me to share my own experience a little bit more with you. Mandy x"

Mandy, thanks, sent you message x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago