FabSwingers.com forum: Don't assume everyone will understand!

By *hebrummies OP Couple
over a year ago

Birmingham

Woke up this morning to find a letter hand-delivered to our doorstep, marked with nothing more than "Ray & Rosh "The brummies" ".

Opening the letter we unfolded a full print-out of our profile here, complete with our pictures and a rather vicious message, mostly addressed to Mr B, I will not repeat here exactly what was said, suffice to say this person had no understanding of our relationship nor our relationship within the BDSM world. This person has anonymously sent other copies around to our neighbours along with warnings about us

Thankfully, we are close with many of our neighbours, indeed, many were invited to our wedding reception which we held in Chameleons, including a collaring ceremony, so the information won't be news to most.

Our response we have added to our profile, we have left the profile otherwise exactly the same, including the settings allowing anyone access to the information, its a little late to start trying to be discreet!

However, we would like to point this out to others, we are lucky in that we are already open with those who matter to us, so apart from a few gossips and unasked questions its unlikely we will be much affected, but if you are not in this position, please make your profile accessible to only those logged in, and keep any identifying photographs private to friends only (bearing in mind, its easy to add a "friend", so if you're concerned, only allow those photos out to those you have chatted to properly)...

Its a shame, we have been on the swinging and BDSM scene for many years now, and we love the non-judgemental attitude we find generally within these communities, once again proving that no matter what walk of life you are in, its always the few who spoil it for the many!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thats terrible ! Why would someone do that ?

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By *agman n angelCouple
over a year ago

benidorm

Had a similar thing yrs ago, we used to run parties from a pvt house in a leicestershire village, arranged by us and the son of the couple who owned the house, went on for about 5 yrs without them ever knowing thier house was being used as a swingers venue.

then some pathetic guy who attended a party and didnt get anything decided to copy invitation, photo's etc and snail mail it to the house owners.

result was no more parties so because of his selfish pathetic attitude 50 plus people lost a fantastic venue.

we feel for you, and are glad your neighbours are cool with things.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Does anyone know if the security settings on the site been changed recently? I note that photos can now be 'lifted' quite easily off profiles; a while ago I tried the same process and was blocked. I know it won't stop everyone/everything but it is a lesson in being careful who you accept as a friend to _iew your private gallery and if you allow unregistered browsers to _iew your profile via search engines. Be careful out there!

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By *ickens CiderMan
over a year ago

taunton

Blimey thats terrible!

Just at ask... what are your privacy settings on showing up in search enigines?

I've set mine to do not show in results... are yours open? Could the person/s have googled you as such and found out about your "Private Life" via that route?

Certain sound like a bit of a loser with a grudge? how odd and what a nasty thing to do? I'm stunned...

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

the person/s responsible are very sad indeed.

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By *hebrummies OP Couple
over a year ago

Birmingham

"Does anyone know if the security settings on the site been changed recently? I note that photos can now be 'lifted' quite easily off profiles; a while ago I tried the same process and was blocked. I know it won't stop everyone/everything but it is a lesson in being careful who you accept as a friend to _iew your private gallery and if you allow unregistered browsers to _iew your profile via search engines. Be careful out there!"

Exactly our point, as we are quite open about our lifestyle, and lucky enough to have friends and family who are understanding and often curious more than anything else, we thought nothing of our own privacy settings, blithely assuming that it didn't matter - obviously it matters to some!

I assume the photos etc are protected if you choose to "hide" them surely? Then again, there are some very simple ways even around that... as you say, be careful, even if you don't feel it is needed!

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By *b430Man
over a year ago

Tayside

There are no security settings on this or any site on the internet that can stop people getting any picture they want to; they are downloaded to your PC by default whenever you open the webpages.

What stopped you before "right clicking and saving them" was the settings in the internet browser you were using at the time.

Easy answer to not wanting others to have access to your pictures is to never upload any to the internet.

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By *hebrummies OP Couple
over a year ago

Birmingham

"Blimey thats terrible!

Just at ask... what are your privacy settings on showing up in search enigines?

I've set mine to do not show in results... are yours open? Could the person/s have googled you as such and found out about your "Private Life" via that route?

Certain sound like a bit of a loser with a grudge? how odd and what a nasty thing to do? I'm stunned...

Its unlikely it would link to either of our real names, in fact, just done a google on our names and the only things which show are some papers I have written as a student (a loooonnngg time ago!

). I suspect it is someone who already uses the site, or has a friend on the site, and yes, as our profile is accessible without needing to log in, once you know we are there it is easy enough to find... We have left it open now as there is no point asking folks to register if they are simply going to look at our profile etc after this happening - like I say, bit late for that!

Still hoping whoever it is has the guts to come over and ask us about it, doesn't seem like their MO though

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Blimey thats terrible!

Just at ask... what are your privacy settings on showing up in search enigines?

I've set mine to do not show in results... are yours open? Could the person/s have googled you as such and found out about your "Private Life" via that route?

Certain sound like a bit of a loser with a grudge? how odd and what a nasty thing to do? I'm stunned...

Its unlikely it would link to either of our real names, in fact, just done a google on our names and the only things which show are some papers I have written as a student (a loooonnngg time ago!

Still hoping whoever it is has the guts to come over and ask us about it, doesn't seem like their MO though

Google your email address and im sure any sites you are on will show.

We did that a while ago and a few sites we are on showed up,we changed our settings so wouldnt show in any google searches but takes a while for it to stop showing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thats awful guys,I am so so sorry to hear that,some nasty bastards out there with nothing better to do then upset others,what you do is private. I guess it someone on this site who as guessed it was you,its happened before to people I know.

Keep smiling xxx

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By *hebrummies OP Couple
over a year ago

Birmingham

Google your email address and im sure any sites you are on will show.

We did that a while ago and a few sites we are on showed up,we changed our settings so wouldnt show in any google searches but takes a while for it to stop showing."

Nope, nothing on any of our email address's... we use a totally unrelated one for our swinging and BDSM activities, although again, if you come across us anywhere within those worlds you will be able to link our accounts with just a little effort... again though, they don't link in at all with our home life or work life, we even use different browsers for our "Adult stuff!" - the problem is simply that we didn't consider that anyone knowing us would be concerned about it if they fell over our profiles, especially as most already knew anyway...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Dont think anyone could stoop any lower doing that to someone.

The worst thing must be wondering if its someone you know and met who have done this to you. x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

All I can think of and this is a bit far off but happened to me,was someone I met on a meet,decided not to play as they were not what I expected,pics 10 years old etc.

Anyway they turned very very nasty and said we know where you work etc etc,I just brushed it off,but there are people out there nasty enough to do that,so maybe its someone you have met and turned down. Just a thought xxx

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By *ruitWoman
over a year ago

near kings lynn

I am disgusted that someone would do that as that is some sick person. Unfortunately there are some people on these sites wjo really shouldnt be on and really dont understand swinging.

If they get rejected at a party and no one wants to play with them then they can get really arsey.

Rejection is part of life in normal and also swinging life.

I am lucky that my landlord knows I swing and is quite happy with me having parties occasionally.

Wishing you all the best and believe in Karma(with a big hammer lol)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I agree with Karma there are people who do not take rejection well,even in messages,I have said thanks but no thanks and got a barrage of abuse.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I agree with Karma there are people who do not take rejection well,even in messages,I have said thanks but no thanks and got a barrage of abuse."

Snap... Us too x

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By *ung and readyMan
over a year ago

newcastle under lyme

You have done the best thing to carry on.

These people will surface and i am sure

you will know exactly how to cope as you seem nice people.

Never regret never look back.

just enjoy.

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By *hebrummies OP Couple
over a year ago

Birmingham

Regret??

Nooooo... the only regrets either of us have are over things we have NOT done... even if something has turned out disastrous, if you tried it, its called "living life to the full" - we do tend to learn better from our own mistakes!

Just more people to invite next time we organise a party/meet at Chams now!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thats terrible ! Why would someone do that ?

jealousy

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By *ercedes62Woman
over a year ago

Northampton

OMG how awlful and we all assume that people are as discreet as yourself.

A hard lesson.

So sorry,

Mercedes x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sad little people sad little lives,jealous spiteful individuals that really must get a life lol

One of the reasons that everyone that knows me knows what i do

I realise that it cant be like that for all

But Christ its a pity it cant be lol

Then these sad individuals would have ta dream up summat else ta fill their pathetic little lives lol xx

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By *hebrummies OP Couple
over a year ago

Birmingham

"Sad little people sad little lives,jealous spiteful individuals that really must get a life lol

One of the reasons that everyone that knows me knows what i do

I realise that it cant be like that for all

But Christ its a pity it cant be lol

Then these sad individuals would have ta dream up summat else ta fill their pathetic little lives lol xx

Yup, we're thankful that those we know already know at least a little about our lifestyle, its sheer ignorance really, people are scared by what they don't know, its a shame, we have always encouraged folks to ask, even if its to say "hey, I do not want to know!". We respect that attitude as much as we respect someone wanting to try some of the more extreme "adult activities" out there!

Ahh well, can't all be the same

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By *irtyGirlWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

[Removed by poster at 29/11/10 13:32:43]

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By *irtyGirlWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

That is awful! People never fail to surprise me. Vicious.

I'm glad you're taking it so well... I don't have many secrets in my life and my friends are cool with my lifestyle choices. They're my choices though and I tell who I want to know. I wouldn't like that choice taken away or used by someone else.

Although I have to add that I wasn't aware that profiles can be read by people not logged in. I always thought you had to be a member to see them.

Sorry... but how do you turn it off or do you need to be a gold/silver/paying member to do that?

EDITED FOR TYPO!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Blimey thats terrible!

Just at ask... what are your privacy settings on showing up in search enigines?

I've set mine to do not show in results... are yours open? Could the person/s have googled you as such and found out about your "Private Life" via that route?

Certain sound like a bit of a loser with a grudge? how odd and what a nasty thing to do? I'm stunned...

Its unlikely it would link to either of our real names, in fact, just done a google on our names and the only things which show are some papers I have written as a student (a loooonnngg time ago!

Still hoping whoever it is has the guts to come over and ask us about it, doesn't seem like their MO though

Google your email address and im sure any sites you are on will show.

We did that a while ago and a few sites we are on showed up,we changed our settings so wouldnt show in any google searches but takes a while for it to stop showing."

we had to change our username on here because of something similar. it was my own stupidity, but if you put our old username into google you could have got my address,home and mobile numbers,plus my business website which has the contact details of past clients. doh! bit more careful now

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"went on for about 5 yrs without them ever knowing thier house was being used as a swingers venue."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Had a similar thing yrs ago, we used to run parties from a pvt house in a leicestershire village, arranged by us and the son of the couple who owned the house, went on for about 5 yrs without them ever knowing thier house was being used as a swingers venue.

then some pathetic guy who attended a party and didnt get anything decided to copy invitation, photo's etc and snail mail it to the house owners.

result was no more parties so because of his selfish pathetic attitude 50 plus people lost a fantastic venue.

we feel for you, and are glad your neighbours are cool with things."

Perhaps he had a pang of guilt and felt it was wrong to be attending a swingers party in someone elses home without their knowledge, and as the son (and you)did not own the house and did not pay the mortage he thought it morally wrong to be exploiting the true home owners this way..... just a thought

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I know specific members core to on of the Largest UK BDSM Families, and whereas I don't fully understand it all, I feel honored to be allowed in to a trusted world.

I'm not into the BDSM scene at all but I respect its boundaries and those people who enjoy that lifestyle.

I think that whomever it was that did this vile thing the OP wrote about, really knows nothing of trust, respect or indeed been discreet.

when I was married, we had discreet relationships as a couple with others.

Our neighbours suspected but we kept our private life just that, private.

divorced now, am attached but finding it difficult to give up the lifestyle and although I've not met anyone since finding myself in an exclusive relationship, I would expect my private life( even the shared one with people) to be kept that.

I was also invited as a non family member to a collaring ceremony, a very privileged experience and was invited to stay to the later proceedings which i found fascinating.

I find it heartwarming that your relationship with your neighbours is such that you were able to share that side of your lifestyle with them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i would be gutted about either being the victim of such an evil action or receiving something through the door about others.

I have children as i'm sure do some of your neighbours and to me, anything like that coming through the door is just a disrespect, not only to you, but to the family living in that home.

i hope it is met with understanding from those that don't know you.

it's sad that folk think that other peoples privacy should be public consumption...even the most vanilla person has some skeleton in their closet that i'm sure they'd wish to keep private

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I found something out about a work colleague today that made my blood curdle.

I have to work with them and have done for the last four years, have a family of my own and now have the nightmare of dilemmas.

My manager informed me of it but my work colleague doesn't know that I am aware of this thing.

Its there personal life and its also in their past, I have to work with them on a professional basis and now Have to try and keep my personal issues out of this.

Respect, discretion and confidentiality spans many aspects of life.

And like a recent poster said, this venomous pice of work not only chose to hurt you but their actions may also have hurt other families.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its your life not theres so to hell with them ...... if your happy who cares what thay think ....... people like that get off on others getting upset ........ so dont ...... x

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By *umourCouple
over a year ago

Rushden

then some pathetic guy who attended a party and didnt get anything decided to copy invitation, photo's etc and snail mail it to the house owners.

result was no more parties so because of his selfish pathetic attitude 50 plus people lost a fantastic venue.

we feel for you, and are glad your neighbours are cool with things.

Yeah, that doesn't sit comfortably with me either! The son doesn't own the house so what would have happened if the house caught fire or there was a death, even from natural causes? I'm sure there must be some illegality in that but anyway, it is totally irresponsible.

To the OP… Bad thing to have happen, but you have the right attitude. Hope everything continues as before for you. We were outed by Mrs R’s work “friend”. We had a private personal web space hosted on Angelfire. There was no reference to us in the name and the only place you could get the addy was on a pay site. It was found and bandied about at a high profile London event and was put up all round the building at work.

Thing is, she was a member of the site and got the addy from there. Had to tell the kids and our friends as we all knew the same people. Worked out very well for us as now people just accept us as we are. We have been lucky, but it could have been so different

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bloody ell thats disgusting, you are such nice people too

"hugs"

Lisa xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Deplorable/Shameful.

I really do hope that the Person/Persons that felt the need to are happy with themselves, why because they've proven a few things:

A: Their not mature enough to swing.

B: Their Idiots!

C: When found out, they'll be banished, hopefully?

Fair play for posting this, you've both managed to rise above it and show what your about/take it in your stride and move on.

I admire you for that & wish you well, happy swinging.

Bip x

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By *hebrummies OP Couple
over a year ago

Birmingham

"Bloody ell thats disgusting, you are such nice people too

"hugs"

Lisa xx

Awww thanks Lisa, we're having such a good time lately too, after a **** year health-wise, meeting more folks like yourselves, not gonna lose than for anyone!

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By *hebrummies OP Couple
over a year ago

Birmingham

"Deplorable/Shameful.

I really do hope that the Person/Persons that felt the need to are happy with themselves, why because they've proven a few things:

A: Their not mature enough to swing.

B: Their Idiots!

C: When found out, they'll be banished, hopefully?

Fair play for posting this, you've both managed to rise above it and show what your about/take it in your stride and move on.

I admire you for that & wish you well, happy swinging.

Bip x

Didn't see any other way of dealing with it really, to suddenly "hide" our account or to switch it seems pointless as the photos etc have already been printed off and its obviously us, either action would also say that we have something to feel ashamed about - we don't, and would protect ANYONES right to live their lives as they wish, so long as anyone involved is adult and capable of consenting (oh, and does consent of course ). We try not to judge others, we both totally respect anyone we come into contact with, all we ask in return is the same!

Mind you, if the world ran anything like that, we'd be far too over-populated - too many wars would have been avoided!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There are some real low life scum about.

The thing is, many times the underlying reason people do this type of thing is out of envy.

The good thing is that you seem open about your swinging and BDSM lifestyle with those that matter.

This, in effect, makes you virtually bullet proof as far as these type of dross are concerned.

When they realise that they can't besmirch you in the eyes of your loved ones, they'll probably just crawl back under whatever slimy stone they came from.

Good luck and we hope you manage to find their identity.

XXXX

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By *lubPartyPeepsCouple
over a year ago

London

To quote Kurt Russell from Big Trouble In Little China

'Son of a bitch must pay'....

Though I would have used the word 'c**t' personally.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

if they printed off ur profile

that only means one thing..they are

here on the site to..so they cant

judge u for wat they are doing them self

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

hang on i may be being stupid here but for whoever that was to find your profile they must be on the site too!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

saying that i was once reported to the socisl services for being bi and having 3 daughters, whoever reported me told them they thought it was inappropriate for a bi sexul woman to be living alone in house with 3 young girls

i felt 3 inches tall when they came out and questioned me and i never met another woman after that

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By *hebrummies OP Couple
over a year ago

Birmingham

Yup, either they themselves, or a friend, is on the site, especially to print out the photos, if you are not logged on the photos are very pixelated and just blurs of colours, it is extremely hypocritical isn't it?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Very horrid trying to ruin someones life,but you get bastards like that,who have pleasure out of it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"saying that i was once reported to the socisl services for being bi and having 3 daughters, whoever reported me told them they thought it was inappropriate for a bi sexul woman to be living alone in house with 3 young girls

i felt 3 inches tall when they came out and questioned me and i never met another woman after that"

That is horrible NN, I can't believe someone would do that.

I have two kids and when I was married, someone I know thought It was terrible that me and my wife would meet couples...luckily it was nothing more than an exchange of words.

Really bad that this now prevents you from enjoying a side of your sexuality.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I worry about accepting friends invites from unverified people but to think that a fellow site member, presumbly verified and as broadminded, could stoop so low is a concern for us all. We can try to be as discreet as possible but we always run the risk of being the victims of unpleasant characters. It is a real shame.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What has happened to you both is disgusting and one of the reasons we don't meet at our home. Not even good friends we have met through swinging knows our address.

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By *hebrummies OP Couple
over a year ago

Birmingham

"What has happened to you both is disgusting and one of the reasons we don't meet at our home. Not even good friends we have met through swinging knows our address."

Yup, we always meet outside of our home, usually within a club environment, apart from anything else we have a teenager in the house, and whilst we're not naive enough to believe he knows nothing about sex and I am sure a variety of subjects around it (no matter how much control you have over their internet time, a teenager will always be one step ahead of you with technology!

) it simply isn't right to allow him to know any ins and outs (no pun intended

) about our sex life! So home visits are just taboo...

The problem is, a neighbour has recognised us from our photos, so I guess the only way we could have avoided it would be to have made the photos private, but, as we're open with all our friends and family about what we get up to, we never thought it would be an issue! ahhh well.... So far, the neighbours consensus has been along the lines of "Who on earth have you rejected?" and "Why would anyone think its anyones business bar your own?" as well as "If someone is concerned about your husbands treatment of yourself and other women, why didn't they just go to the police?" ... All agreeing that the person who has come the worst off in it is the one distributing the letters!

Funny how these things back-fire, in a sense I hope we never discover who it is, I believe my neighbours would like to tell them what they think of them, and folks like that simply aren't worth the trouble!

Thanks though guys, Mr B has been overwhelmed with support both at home and online and we so totally know why we chose this lifestyle when things go wrong!

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By *s_4_uCouple
over a year ago

Nottinghamshire

If you ever do find them let us all no !

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By *arambarMan
over a year ago

swindon

Wow, I too am really shocked that someone could do such a thing as this - utterly despicable behaviour.

I just wanted to add my support, along with everyone else who has contributed to this thread so far, and to say that you've earned my respect by your handling of the situation.

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who did this to you and may their arms be too short to scratch!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I agree wholeheartedly with _arambar and you have my support too. xx

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By *erekduvallCouple
over a year ago

swansea

feel for you both, the poster was a total pratt,

hugs

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