FabSwingers.com forum: Anxiety issues...

By *razedcat OP Man
over a year ago

London / Herts

Right, I posted a similar topic a few weeks ago, but I don't recall it picking up as much male response as I hoped it would.

For the past few weeks, my confidence has been taking a bit of a beating. I've recently been inducted into the club scene by my lovely new partner, but every time we go I'm not able to perform, and it's so embarrassing. It's just a vicious cycle too, because the more it happens, the less comfortable I feel with clubs and meeting people.

I've suffered from general anxiety issues for years, and have only recently emerged from a period of depression. I thought I was doing okay, but lately I'm feeling pretty low

For me, the swinging community thrives on openness and good communication, which is why I feel so comfortable saying these things on the forums. But I genuinely feel like I need advice. I don't want to fake it by taking viagra, and I know alcohol doesn't help. I know I can enjoy clubs if I can just get over this anxiety trouble!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Maybe take a break from clubs? Sticking to private meets too, for a little while, will take some pressure off.

You'll be fine. Taking a break from the scene, not meeting at all but staying in the loop by chatting to friends/contributing to the forums as you do, will help greatly also.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'd really look to seek professional help or explore techniques that would help you with that. An online forum may not be the best platform to resolve this.

That said, good luck and try to surround yourself with understanding people

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By *eKoopleCouple
over a year ago

Germany / Manchester

This is a really big topic and though I'm not medically trained, I can suggest a few things that may help but you should seek professional advice.

First thing is to look for the reason(s) that are causing your anxiety.

Secondly, find a way to tackle those issues. Remember, you can only control your thoughts and physical actions, anything is is out of your control.

Third, look at the food you eat, this can also help your brain.

Finally, learn relaxation methods and seek professional advice. Mr.

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By *razedcat OP Man
over a year ago

London / Herts

All very constructive comments, thanks

I've been getting some really helpful messages too, thank you guys :D

It's true, this is a really big issue that I don't think gets talked about enough. Men are often too embarrassed to open up about it, what with the awkwardness it entails. I mean, I've been in some really sexy situations - relaxed me would have been explosively horny and ready to rock - but the nerves just dominate.

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Cheeseville, Somerset

Why not go to clubs without any plans to play with others to get more comfortable with the environment?

Enjoy the social aspect, chat with others but don't look to play with them. As a couple try watching others in an open play environment as observers and talk to each other about what you see that turns you on, then find a private room you can have fun in without the pressure of others watching you.

Take small steps, rather than try and fit in with those that are more comfortable, until you get used to the nature of playing in the same room as others.

There's no obligation or expectancy to go at any pace or to do anything that causes anxiety.

Good luck.

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By *ovely CummingsWoman
over a year ago

Peaky Nipples

" I've recently been inducted into the club scene by my lovely new partner, but every time we go I'm not able to perform, and it's so embarrassing. It's just a vicious cycle too, because the more it happens, the less comfortable I feel with clubs and meeting people.

I'm guessing you're referring to penetrative sex? Because obviously, that's the only part that can be effected by anxious thoughts.

With imagination and passion, good sex doesnt always require penetrative sex, the majority of women cum through clitoriol stimulation

Have Enjoyment and relaxed fun as the key things you're aiming for, take some toys with you to add penetration to remove any performance anxiety and look for new and different ways to have fun?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sorry to hear you're struggling.

I'm assuming from your post that all is okay when you're 1-1 with your partner? That's a really positive thing. If you're struggling 1-1 then definitely go see the doc for help.

Secondly, I'm also guessing that by 'not able to perform' at clubs you mean not able to sustain an erection? Kinda 'performance anxiety'? Well, maybe the trick is to not judge performance based on that. Maybe you should aim for a club visit where your goal isn't to fuck or climax yourself, but to make someone else happy through oral or touch? Or maybe even just watch... Maybe the self restraint at a club will pay off when you and your partner are alone?

I guess the point is, don't feel you have to have the traditional 'goal' of 'erection, fuck, come'. It's possible to have lots of fun without any or all of those.

Take the pressure off yourself. Don't beat yourself up too much. If the anxiety is causing issues away from clubs, then seek some help. But otherwise, try to relax. It's meant to be fun, right?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There you go, three posts in short order with essentially the same advice

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How is Viagra faking it?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Check out the book 'the new male sexuality', recommended to us by a therapist a few years ago.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've found meditation really helps with my anxiety issues.

I youtubed "meditation for anxiety", there's a few not so helpful videos but some are great. All about feeling positive, calm and relaxed.

Try not to dwell on your anxiety as that will make things worse especially if your an overthinker or a natural worrier like I am.

Good luck pal

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By *uzzbMan
over a year ago

nr Sherborne

if you enjoy anal, just go with that side of things until you get an erection - no pressure at all then

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've suffered for years. So have every sympathy!

Deep breathing and grounding yourself really helps. And remembering that it will pass.

I also use rescue remedy. Good luck!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Why not go to clubs without any plans to play with others to get more comfortable with the environment?

Take small steps, rather than try and fit in with those that are more comfortable, until you get used to the nature of playing in the same room as others.

There's no obligation or expectancy to go at any pace or to do anything that causes anxiety.

Good luck.

As others have said, you can also do more than penetrative sex if that is the problem. These things happen, but the more you beat yourself up, the more problems you are going to have. Just go into it looking to have fun - no pressure.

-Marc

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By *razedcat OP Man
over a year ago

London / Herts

You're all lovely, providing so much for me to mull over

thanks everybody.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sorry but really disagree with some of the previous, albeit well intentioned, advice. Not saying it's wrong per se, but it doesn't work for me.

Problem: is that it's a mental issue so viagra won't help, unless the sex therapist is a swinger they won't have a scooby doo what you are on about and the problem will still be there if you take a break.

The mental stimulation you need is difficult because 1) there's a lot going on at clubs to distract you 2) nothing is less mentally stimulating than thinking "is Johnny coming out to play yet?"

Solution: you need to get in the zone. The zone is when you lose track of time and beyond the person you are with, not much else exists in your present thinking. How does one get in the zone? Whilst it varies from male to male, the answer for me is seduction. You know what thoughts are sexy:

"Wow, this woman is really hot, I wonder if she wants me to touch her?"

"Hot diggity damn I bet she'd feel nice if I touched her"

"I wonder what makes her cum?"

And so on and so forth. When your mind is mulling over these things you'll realise that Johnny comes out to play even if you don't want him to! So in order:

1) Find a couple who are not hardcore swingers and are willing to do things at a comfortable pace

2) get naked and touchy feely with them in a jacuzzi. It's a sexy environment but not one where sex is expected (there's a whole other thread on the problems of sex in water)

3) flirt until you get in the zone

4) once you are well and truly in the zone, quickly move to a PRIVATE room and start a sexual activity that you enjoy very much (e.g. naked kissing with the woman on top does it for me)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have suffered the same as well and its wrecked relationships.

Its evil sometimes but ive seen advice here and its true take a back seat from it

And dont use porn its a false way of getting turned on.

Have no expectations if going to a club or private meet especially socials are great ways of keeping it fun and friendly.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have the exact same problem.

I can stay hard as anything at home and keep it for ages, when playing with other women I get all body conscious with being a big bloke and I struggle getting one never mind keeping one. I've even tried using prescribed Viagra and still had problems. As soon as I have to get undressed my anxiety kicks in.

Can't really help sorry but know your not alone!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

op just try and be yourself, message relax, maybe build a connection up online and phone b4 meeting

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just watch dude. Become comfortable with the concept and surroundings and then when happy take some small steps towards playing.

Nothing better than standing around in the club with an erection that you could knock someone out with. (Don't do that though)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you're feeling low at the moment why put yourself through extra pressure of clubs?

Take some time out for yourself, eat well, sleep and see your doctor as they can help.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Why not go to clubs without any plans to play with others to get more comfortable with the environment?

Take small steps, rather than try and fit in with those that are more comfortable, until you get used to the nature of playing in the same room as others.

There's no obligation or expectancy to go at any pace or to do anything that causes anxiety.

Good luck.

Great advice

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By *g sandyMan
over a year ago

london

what is your feeling vunerable and exposed you need to be relaxed get yourself into right frame of mind that doing something that is usually quite intimate in front of people watching you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Check out the centre for clinical interventions (type into Google) whilst nothing is particularly aimed at swinging, the topics cover social anxiety, body anxiety etc. And its format is in a very straightforward self assessment of thought processes with progressive stages for when you feel ready to move on. My therapist offered me the information when I was struggling with depression, but coming out of the worst part. As for more immediate help, each person has something different that works for them to be relaxed in the first instance, I love going to the jacuzzi if I'm stressed out and chatting with different people helps me overcome my fears because my fears are unjustifiable

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

From your opening post you say you've been introduced to clubs by your new partner.

Maybe there's one too many 'new' aspects in your life for you to feel comfortable & relaxed, hence the performing issue / vicious circle.

Personally I would spend time getting to know my partner really well first & not just sexually before I'd consider taking it to a club level.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've had stage fright one or twice in the club's horrible feeling but it happens to everyone.. I didn't go the viagra root as I didn't want to get dependent I just think the more you get used to the "people watching" kind of environment and can relax the better the sex gets.. don't rush it just go with the flow and be confident.. good luck

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By *orksguy1Man
over a year ago

leeds

"Why not go to clubs without any plans to play with others to get more comfortable with the environment?

Take small steps, rather than try and fit in with those that are more comfortable, until you get used to the nature of playing in the same room as others.

There's no obligation or expectancy to go at any pace or to do anything that causes anxiety.

Good luck.

Great advice

Hi OP, I'd think I would have to agree with this advice. As someone who has also suffered/suffers anxiety and depression it is about feeling more comfortable with yourself in a situation. Don't automatically think because you are in a swingers club you have to play and you have to perform. Try just getting comfortable socially with people first. I know my anxiety means I normally cut people off which makes it worse so I need to force myself out into social situation which does slowly make it better.

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By *riskynriskyCouple
over a year ago

Essex.

How about playing with your partner in a private room. You aren't putting yourself under pressure of involving other people but you can get used to the sound of other people walking past, chatting and having sex.

That way it is a slower more relaxing way of getting used to the surrounding and atmosphere of a club.

Good luck and take your time...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OP, there's some great advice on this thread. If I'd add anything it would be to make sure you are open about this with your partner(s) in crime - it is better to be upfront about it so you're not worrying about their reaction.

Most importantly is that you can still do plenty of sexy stuff without your penis... and doing those things might help.

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By *LCCCouple
over a year ago

Cambridge

Although i have never had "stage fright" in a club, i have suffered from poor mental health since the age of 11 and so I know how crippling it can be.

Try broadening your definition of sex from "penis in vagina" to something that includes touching, licking, cuddling etc.

Try not to expect anything from a club night out as that will just increase your stress. We are crap in clubs, we are really shy and find it tough to approach people which leaves us feeling a bit stressed because we feel we should be "better at this". If you feel the same, maybe try arranging a meet on fab, but arrange to meet them at the club. We did this once and had a fantastic time. Alternatively if you are doing this at the moment, try to turn up and see approach.

My wife has said this, and I have heard other women say it to, but apparently giving a blowjob to a soft cock that then gets hard in their mouth is a huge turn on for some women, so maybe that can be your party trick.

Hang in there and i hope you get through it

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