FabSwingers.com forum: How does the Dom/Sub thing work?

By *annoo OP Woman
over a year ago

Hastings

Hi all

I have recently become a Sub to someone.

Now other than on here and obviously through tv/films i actually dont know how the Dom/Sub thing is supposed to work.

at the moment i am going with the flow on what he tells me, but i want other peoples in put from both other Doms and Subs...

im not sure if it is the right thing for me, there seems to be factors to it that im intrigued by and others i just dont understand....

just advise me please so i can decide if this is something i want to continue or not.

at the moment im loyal to him and i do ask he asks/commands, but i need to know more

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you don't know how it works, I'd suggest backing out of the relationship you're in and taking some time to get to know what it's about.

What 'more' would you like to know specifically?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm entering a s/d thing at the moment and I have little experience in it myself, thankfully my "kitten" (my Sir) keeps putting me in the right direction and answering any questions I might have.

I'd suggest doing the same with your Dom. There's absolutely loads of information out there on the internet about it.

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By *annoo OP Woman
over a year ago

Hastings

All I know about it is obviously the portrayal fifty shades of grey showed of it...there was a programme on tv few months back that showed a few things..vut wll I know is he says I'm his he owns me.i do as he says and asks and I'm loyal....thats pretty much it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"All I know about it is obviously the portrayal fifty shades of grey showed of it...there was a programme on tv few months back that showed a few things..vut wll I know is he says I'm his he owns me.i do as he says and asks and I'm loyal....thats pretty much it "

No, 50 Shades is not a good example of what to base a s/d relationship on.

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By *annoo OP Woman
over a year ago

Hastings

Hahaha I figured as much lol given I actually dunno what the fuss was all about with that haha

I know a sub has to be faithful to a dom but does that work both ways?

And where would I look online toread up on it

I like how things are going so far but I dnt wanna end up being kn a situation I dnt wanna be

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hahaha I figured as much lol given I actually dunno what the fuss was all about with that haha

I know a sub has to be faithful to a dom but does that work both ways?

And where would I look online toread up on it

I like how things are going so far but I dnt wanna end up being kn a situation I dnt wanna be"

There are no rules.

You should negotiate *EVERYTHING* with your partner.

I am not faithful to my sub. My sub is not faithful to me. I assume you are talking about sex anyway.

You can do d/s anyway YOU want to do it. You don't both have to follow a set of rules that someone else has written. You make your own rules.

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By *annoo OP Woman
over a year ago

Hastings

Ok so the rules are what we make them

But being his sub if I dnt follow his rules or I disobey him I can be punished or let go ??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ok so the rules are what we make them

But being his sub if I dnt follow his rules or I disobey him I can be punished or let go ??"

Yes, if those are the rules that you choose.

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By *arlock69Man
over a year ago

Batley... (near Leeds)

Sounds like your master doesn't know what he's doing either...

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By *annoo OP Woman
over a year ago

Hastings

Hahaha welcome to my dilema

I have no friggin idea what's what

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Sounds like your master doesn't know what he's doing either..."

Dom. Not master. According to the first post.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hahaha welcome to my dilema

I have no friggin idea what's what"

If you don't know what you're doing, perhaps step back.

Get yourself along to a local fetish meetup and talk to people in person. Take your partner. Get him to talk to people. You can both learn together then.

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By *annoo OP Woman
over a year ago

Hastings

Are dom and master not the same thing? I call him,both

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hahaha welcome to my dilema

I have no friggin idea what's what

If you don't know what you're doing, perhaps step back.

Get yourself along to a local fetish meetup and talk to people in person. Take your partner. Get him to talk to people. You can both learn together then."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Are dom and master not the same thing? I call him,both"

No, people usually identify as one or the other. They usually have slightly different meanings.

It's often the case - but not always - that a partnership will be either dom and sub, or master and slave. Or top and bottom.

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By *annoo OP Woman
over a year ago

Hastings

He must like both then :/

Hmm ok thanks for help looks like its a case of reading up winging it or walking away

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hahaha I figured as much lol given I actually dunno what the fuss was all about with that haha

I know a sub has to be faithful to a dom but does that work both ways?

And where would I look online toread up on it

I like how things are going so far but I dnt wanna end up being kn a situation I dnt wanna be"
a sub doesn't have to be anything, a Dom doesn't have to be any thing. Its all about the individuals.. the best thing is to find your local.munch and talk to people.

My advice would be that

Never be afraid to ask questions

Never feel that you have to be isolated. As a dominant wanting you to not talk to others is a huge red flag.

Talk lots... Don't jump straight in.. have your safe words and maybe find another experienced sub to chat to... As it helps to have an outside perspective but it is always very individual to you x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Out of curiosity, who approached who about your s/d relationship OP?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh and I would question any Dom/master /sir demanding that a submissive address him by a title from the start but that's just me personally.

As I think it's earned and have often advised subs I have mentored that if a perspective dominant asks that from the first meet to walk away x

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By *annoo OP Woman
over a year ago

Hastings

he hasnt asked me to call him anything, he just likes when i use either lol

as i said i dunno how it goes lol

i was just inquisitive about how serious to take it

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By *adybee77Woman
over a year ago

MAMOBA, miles and miles of bugger all (Aberdeenshire)

I have had 3 different dominants in my life.

My current one I address as Sir when we are in d/s, and I describe him as my dominant - but he is also my lover so its not all about that side. Both previous were master - and we only met d/s - and it was very much on a different level.

Its all about talk - work out what your limits are... do you want punishment, denial, chastisement, pain play, humiliation, or reward or a wide range of other options?

It should be spoken about very clearly, and also safe words and boundaries agreed in advance of play.

Also, to me, the title they get has to be earned through trust, and established well. My current dominant it took me a good few meets to actually call him sir (and even now I am sometimes a brat and challenge him - but thats one of the aspects of our time together too)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"he hasnt asked me to call him anything, he just likes when i use either lol

as i said i dunno how it goes lol

i was just inquisitive about how serious to take it

Take it as seriously as you want to take it.

Some people do it just for a bit of fun in the bedroom.

Some people, like myself, do it as a lifestyle choice.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My advice would be that

Never be afraid to ask questions

Never feel that you have to be isolated. As a dominant wanting you to not talk to others is a huge red flag.

Talk lots... Don't jump straight in.. have your safe words and maybe find another experienced sub to chat to... As it helps to have an outside perspective but it is always very individual to you x"

This

And never feel pressure to do things you are uncomfortable with.

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By *issHottieBottieWoman
over a year ago

Kent

As you are new to this and he sounds like he doesn't really know what he's doing (maybe he's new to it as well) you both need to discuss everything with each other properly or it could all go very very wrong!

A good Dom surely should talk through things with their sub and discuss the terms of the d/s agreement.

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By *annoo OP Woman
over a year ago

Hastings

thanks all much needed advice taken in and being thought about on a big level

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A good Dom surely should talk through things with their sub and discuss the terms of the d/s agreement."

And equally a good sub would always instigate talking things though and negotiation if they weren't sure about something.

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By *issHottieBottieWoman
over a year ago

Kent

Has he been a dom to a sub before?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It is whatever you want it to be for both your enjoyment. There are no rules you have to stick to. Personally I would never call anyone master or my dom,but I have two relationships where my men are dominant. That's because they are naturally dominant and I am naturally passive. If you want to try some bdsm then you could read up on what to buy or do,but the psychological part is all down to you. I have met men in the past who say they are dominant but they just enjoy being spiteful and aggressive. They get off on abuse. I get a lot back from my men and it feels right.

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By *annoo OP Woman
over a year ago

Hastings

"Has he been a dom to a sub before? "

i honestly dont know

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A piece of advice - one of the first thing that my Kitten's taught me to do is to write a list of my musts & hard/soft limits. For him, these will be my boundaries that he cannot over step or influence.

Definitions are that a "must" are things that you need in each encounter, such as kissing or cuddling.

Soft limits might be things that you want to try, but you might be a little cautious about trying. For example one of mine is anal play.

Hard limits are things that you absolutely will not do under any circumstances. On my list of hards are watersports & scat.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A good Dom surely should talk through things with their sub and discuss the terms of the d/s agreement.

And equally a good sub would always instigate talking things though and negotiation if they weren't sure about something."

Agreed,if he says I want to use a belt on you,if he's a physical person,you don't just say ok then,not until you know he has self control. He may just like pushing you to see what you will do for him without bdsm involved. You have to talk to find out what he wants or expects.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

And communication, communication, communication. It's absolutely essential.

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By *issHottieBottieWoman
over a year ago

Kent

"Has he been a dom to a sub before?

i honestly dont know"

Have you actually talked about anything at all prior to deciding to enter into a D/S relationship? I really think calling a halt to it all and having a proper conversation about what type of experiance you are both expecting from it is wise.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"And communication, communication, communication. It's absolutely essential."

This x

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By *annoo OP Woman
over a year ago

Hastings

thank you all

i think this may just be one them things where its just a "fun" go along as we felt thing till now lol

i think if i look at it the way you all described im not in a true dom/sub thing

thank you all kindly

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Only you 2 will know how serious you guys are with this and how far you both want to take it. Best thing is to talk and establish that now. Even if it's not a lifestyle choice but fun in the bedroom you need to trust that no matter what he does that he will have your best interests in mind. A true master/mistress, Dom/Domme will not implement their will without hearing from the sub how much control they wish to give up and what experiences they want to receive

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By *annoo OP Woman
over a year ago

Hastings

"Only you 2 will know how serious you guys are with this and how far you both want to take it. Best thing is to talk and establish that now. Even if it's not a lifestyle choice but fun in the bedroom you need to trust that no matter what he does that he will have your best interests in mind. A true master/mistress, Dom/Domme will not implement their will without hearing from the sub how much control they wish to give up and what experiences they want to receive"

thanks you

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By *elvet RopeMan
over a year ago

by the big field

PEOPLE PLEASE! MY EYES ARE BLEEDING HERE!!

D/s (not d/s s/d...)

D, with a capital D for Dom (or Domme) and Sir with a capital S- a bit of respect for the boss please

s with a 'lickle' s for sub, who is supposed to do as she's told and not be bloody cheeky

So, in summary Dom, sub, D/s (always the Dominant before the submissive)

Thankyou- as you were

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By *annoo OP Woman
over a year ago

Hastings

hahahahaha

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"PEOPLE PLEASE! MY EYES ARE BLEEDING HERE!!

D/s (not d/s s/d...)

D, with a capital D for Dom (or Domme) and Sir with a capital S- a bit of respect for the boss please

s with a 'lickle' s for sub, who is supposed to do as she's told and not be bloody cheeky

So, in summary Dom, sub, D/s (always the Dominant before the submissive)

Thankyou- as you were

Really hoping that was sarcastic...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"PEOPLE PLEASE! MY EYES ARE BLEEDING HERE!!

D/s (not d/s s/d...)

D, with a capital D for Dom (or Domme) and Sir with a capital S- a bit of respect for the boss please

s with a 'lickle' s for sub, who is supposed to do as she's told and not be bloody cheeky

So, in summary Dom, sub, D/s (always the Dominant before the submissive)

Thankyou- as you were

Nonono. It's S/d Kitten. Get it right.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"PEOPLE PLEASE! MY EYES ARE BLEEDING HERE!!

D/s (not d/s s/d...)

D, with a capital D for Dom (or Domme) and Sir with a capital S- a bit of respect for the boss please

s with a 'lickle' s for sub, who is supposed to do as she's told and not be bloody cheeky

So, in summary Dom, sub, D/s (always the Dominant before the submissive)

Thankyou- as you were

Really hoping that was sarcastic..."

He was being sarcastic.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"PEOPLE PLEASE! MY EYES ARE BLEEDING HERE!!

D/s (not d/s s/d...)

D, with a capital D for Dom (or Domme) and Sir with a capital S- a bit of respect for the boss please

s with a 'lickle' s for sub, who is supposed to do as she's told and not be bloody cheeky

So, in summary Dom, sub, D/s (always the Dominant before the submissive)

Thankyou- as you were

Only if you're one of those people who feels they have to belong. Same with the mmf mfm debate. As you were

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By *elvet RopeMan
over a year ago

by the big field

"PEOPLE PLEASE! MY EYES ARE BLEEDING HERE!!

D/s (not d/s s/d...)

D, with a capital D for Dom (or Domme) and Sir with a capital S- a bit of respect for the boss please

s with a 'lickle' s for sub, who is supposed to do as she's told and not be bloody cheeky

So, in summary Dom, sub, D/s (always the Dominant before the submissive)

Thankyou- as you were

Only if you're one of those people who feels they have to belong. Same with the mmf mfm debate. As you were

I rarely 'belong' to anything- i do however have rules, without rules the whole D/s things goes tits up quite quickly

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As with any relationship, talking is a good place to start and regular talks are vital.

My Domme and I have had a couple of glitches in our relationship that seemed insurmountable at the time to me.

When we talked though we quickly resolved our issues.

We both get very different things from our interaction. She knows what she wants very definitely. Things have got a bit cloudy for her as emotions crept in but we are working through that.

I, on the other hand, am relatively new to this and am still finding what I really like.

We talk briefly before a session. A little more after we come down after one and sometimes we meet just to talk.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"PEOPLE PLEASE! MY EYES ARE BLEEDING HERE!!

D/s (not d/s s/d...)

D, with a capital D for Dom (or Domme) and Sir with a capital S- a bit of respect for the boss please

s with a 'lickle' s for sub, who is supposed to do as she's told and not be bloody cheeky

So, in summary Dom, sub, D/s (always the Dominant before the submissive)

Thankyou- as you were

Only if you're one of those people who feels they have to belong. Same with the mmf mfm debate. As you were

I rarely 'belong' to anything- i do however have rules, without rules the whole D/s things goes tits up quite quickly

I love rules.,..they provide me with clarity. I can chose to obey them or break them. My choice is usually - obey. So glad I read the MFM bit...totally saved me from embarrassing myself this evening! Thank you Sir. May I ?? your ?? in gratitude m x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"PEOPLE PLEASE! MY EYES ARE BLEEDING HERE!!

D/s (not d/s s/d...)

D, with a capital D for Dom (or Domme) and Sir with a capital S- a bit of respect for the boss please

s with a 'lickle' s for sub, who is supposed to do as she's told and not be bloody cheeky

So, in summary Dom, sub, D/s (always the Dominant before the submissive)

Thankyou- as you were

Only if you're one of those people who feels they have to belong. Same with the mmf mfm debate. As you were

I rarely 'belong' to anything- i do however have rules, without rules the whole D/s things goes tits up quite quickly

Or you could call it d/s. You would still have the same relationship

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wife asked if i could dominate her sexually its new for us both but we r happy to learn along the way. Its a huge change for us both but we r enjoying so far

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"PEOPLE PLEASE! MY EYES ARE BLEEDING HERE!!

D/s (not d/s s/d...)

D, with a capital D for Dom (or Domme) and Sir with a capital S- a bit of respect for the boss please

s with a 'lickle' s for sub, who is supposed to do as she's told and not be bloody cheeky

So, in summary Dom, sub, D/s (always the Dominant before the submissive)

Thankyou- as you were

Only if you're one of those people who feels they have to belong. Same with the mmf mfm debate. As you were

I rarely 'belong' to anything- i do however have rules, without rules the whole D/s things goes tits up quite quickly

Or you could call it d/s. You would still have the same relationship

My apologies, sometimes he gets out his cage and gets a bit too cocky and snarky for his own good...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"PEOPLE PLEASE! MY EYES ARE BLEEDING HERE!!

D/s (not d/s s/d...)

D, with a capital D for Dom (or Domme) and Sir with a capital S- a bit of respect for the boss please

s with a 'lickle' s for sub, who is supposed to do as she's told and not be bloody cheeky

So, in summary Dom, sub, D/s (always the Dominant before the submissive)

Thankyou- as you were

I love people like you as my brat side really really comes out

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By *xoticloverMan
over a year ago

newcastle

Just ask yourself are you enjoying what you are doing?? If yes then best to meet people in fetish scene

I thought i could be a nice sub but after talking to people who are in the scene, it became clear.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The dom and master mame is what you wish to make it folk use labels far too often without actually really understanding it.

First and foremost to o p have your limits that you will not cross made clear from outset you are ultimately in control if you feel out of your depth or things happening you dont like then make it clear to the bloke if no success gove him the heave ho.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sexually I am sub but will only ever be to one. My submissiveness allows my lover to be the dominant lover he was meant to be. Making him feel that way and allowing him to take me as he does empowers us both. For this reason I am of the opinion that the sub has so much more command and control than they are perceived as having! Being sub is not simply being told what to do!

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By *ondonfun1Man
over a year ago

chigwell

I pm you op

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Do a google search for bdsm check list (switch to private browser to protect prying eyes on pc, tissue companies own the guy that invented private browsing a lot, haha)

Bdsm check list, it should be an excel doc or online,

Will have a list of play options and you can select yes or no,

It will give you some idea of what goes on and you can give it to him as a guide line of does and donts

Hope it works out for you, I would say slow down, try a bit of blindfolded, tied to bed play, see how you feel about giving up control in a safe play before padlocking a collar on, good luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"PEOPLE PLEASE! MY EYES ARE BLEEDING HERE!!

D/s (not d/s s/d...)

D, with a capital D for Dom (or Domme) and Sir with a capital S- a bit of respect for the boss please

s with a 'lickle' s for sub, who is supposed to do as she's told and not be bloody cheeky

So, in summary Dom, sub, D/s (always the Dominant before the submissive)

Thankyou- as you were

Only if you're one of those people who feels they have to belong. Same with the mmf mfm debate. As you were

I rarely 'belong' to anything- i do however have rules, without rules the whole D/s things goes tits up quite quickly

Or you could call it d/s. You would still have the same relationship

My apologies, sometimes he gets out his cage and gets a bit too cocky and snarky for his own good..."

Get the belt out

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In my experience it works with a lot of trust

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I love people like you as my brat side really really comes out"

I can totally beat that out of you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I love people like you as my brat side really really comes out

I can totally beat that out of you."

and i know that you would enjoy trying :0

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I love people like you as my brat side really really comes out

I can totally beat that out of you."

I love receiving a good whipping

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wow, a thread which gives good advice without any insults thrown at the OP.

Certainly communication and setting limits is required. Can't see it working otherwise with two specific opposite roles if you don't know where you both stand.

The advice people are giving probably isn't any different to any meets you want to continue and enjoy longer term though.

As an analogy Imagine starting a new job but not knowing:

What the hours are?

What your role is and what your employer expects?

Will overtime sometimes be required?

How often you can take time off?

There is going to be a misunderstanding at some point... and no two jobs are exactly alike...

Just noticed that analogy really is very similar spelling to anal-orgy

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By *elvet RopeMan
over a year ago

by the big field

"PEOPLE PLEASE! MY EYES ARE BLEEDING HERE!!

D/s (not d/s s/d...)

D, with a capital D for Dom (or Domme) and Sir with a capital S- a bit of respect for the boss please

s with a 'lickle' s for sub, who is supposed to do as she's told and not be bloody cheeky

So, in summary Dom, sub, D/s (always the Dominant before the submissive)

Thankyou- as you were

I love people like you as my brat side really really comes out"

Maybe I know that

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"PEOPLE PLEASE! MY EYES ARE BLEEDING HERE!!

D/s (not d/s s/d...)

D, with a capital D for Dom (or Domme) and Sir with a capital S- a bit of respect for the boss please

s with a 'lickle' s for sub, who is supposed to do as she's told and not be bloody cheeky

So, in summary Dom, sub, D/s (always the Dominant before the submissive)

Thankyou- as you were

I love people like you as my brat side really really comes out

Maybe I know that

most do who know me from FL and Fetevents

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By *oodmessMan
over a year ago

yumsville

welcome to fabdsm

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By *etsplay4realCouple
over a year ago

Essex - Cambs Border!

"Hahaha I figured as much lol given I actually dunno what the fuss was all about with that haha

I know a sub has to be faithful to a dom but does that work both ways?

And where would I look online toread up on it

I like how things are going so far but I dnt wanna end up being kn a situation I dnt wanna be"

** The sub is always in control **

Being able to call your safe word anytime and respected, should always be shown by a true Dom of this.

Play should always stop no questions asked when a safe word is used and we strongly recommended to agree with one for play.

Lots of love Raewyn xx

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By *etsplay4realCouple
over a year ago

Essex - Cambs Border!

"PEOPLE PLEASE! MY EYES ARE BLEEDING HERE!!

D/s (not d/s s/d...)

D, with a capital D for Dom (or Domme) and Sir with a capital S- a bit of respect for the boss please

s with a 'lickle' s for sub, who is supposed to do as she's told and not be bloody cheeky

So, in summary Dom, sub, D/s (always the Dominant before the submissive)

Thankyou- as you were

I love people like you as my brat side really really comes out

Maybe I know that

most do who know me from FL and Fetevents"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"** The sub is always in control **

Being able to call your safe word anytime and respected, should always be shown by a true Dom of this.

Play should always stop no questions asked when a safe word is used and we strongly recommended to agree with one for play."

Although it should be said - not everyone chooses to play this way.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"** The sub is always in control **

Being able to call your safe word anytime and respected, should always be shown by a true Dom of this.

Play should always stop no questions asked when a safe word is used and we strongly recommended to agree with one for play.

Although it should be said - not everyone chooses to play this way."

And some on here dont understand it

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By *annoo OP Woman
over a year ago

Hastings

Thank you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I love people like you as my brat side really really comes out

I can totally beat that out of you."

Did someone say "beat"?

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By *etsplay4realCouple
over a year ago

Essex - Cambs Border!

"** The sub is always in control **

Being able to call your safe word anytime and respected, should always be shown by a true Dom of this.

Play should always stop no questions asked when a safe word is used and we strongly recommended to agree with one for play.

Although it should be said - not everyone chooses to play this way.

And some on here dont understand it

Reply privately

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