FabSwingers.com forum: Having the "talk"

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

About opening the relationship?

Please could any of you who have had the discussion with their significant other please offer me any advice on:-

- how to broach it

- best times and locations to discuss

- how to discuss boundaries

If anyone has ever had "the talk" within the context of a sexless relationship and/or with someone who is very difficult to talk to about intimate things that would be very helpful.

I am happy to be PMd about it instead of answers on the open forum. If you are outside my filters just mention it on here and I will message you first so you can reply.

Thank you in advance

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My relationship used to be pretty much sexless with a woman who wouldn't talk about the problems in our relationship.

She constantly ducked even a kiss to the forehead when I came home from work and when I begged her to sit down to talk she'd just tell me if I wanted sex to go find it elsewhere.

Five years later I finally did.

I know it sounds strange but my having an affair with a girl 21 years younger was the catalyst to where I am now.

My partner realised she'd lost me. She fought to win me back. By then I'd also seen my opertunity to explore if I was bi.

I realised I still wanted her and finished the affair.

This is where things changed; we talked. A lot.

I told her I thought I was bi and she realised that was my barrier. She dropped her barriers too.

We talked lots.

We went to chameleons to see if I was really bi and we both really enjoyed the swinging environment.

Her acceptance of me made me realise I never wanted to lose her again so I married her within a month at Gretna green.

Talking and honesty is the key.

Life's too short. Good luck xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you Rachael for such an open and lovely reply

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Talk to him. Standby for all the " show him your profile on here" etc.

I had an affair. I hated doing it. I won't judge others as I understand the frustration of a dead marriage.

Talk to him. I assume you don't want to leave him?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I assume you are currently in a closed relationship and that you are looking to open it. Fully closed is when you don't even have friends outside your relationship... and fully open is when you let each other go off and have sex with other people in private... they are both the absolute extremes. Don't whatever you do, suggest switching from one to the other. Instead you should talk only about the step immediately infront of you both. If you don't have any friends, talk about going out and making friends. If you don't look at others sexually, talk about how you might enjoy watching some porn together.. then later how nice it might be to watch people doing it for real. If you both already enjoy watching others have sex, see whether he'd like you two being watched and maybe even a little touching... etc etc.

At some point along the spectrum towards complete openness you'll find your equillibrium, your comfort zone, and you can just settle there for a while until you feel like going further.

The biggest misnomer is that there's only either a closed relationship or an open one. It's that kind of thinking that destroys relationships. Instead there's a whole chocolate box of yummy options in between for you both to explore whilst flexing your open-mindedness muscles. Good luck

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Me and my ex wasnt really doing much together separate lives. He didnt have a sex life And no mojo

Once every 6 months

The talk wasnt nice and heart wrenching but had to be done

I did it with a meal bottle of wine

In the end i spoke to him we had an open relationship for 7 years,

He had no libado still doesn't

We ended june 2013 as i preferred to be alone and happy than living as friends

Hope it works how u want it to

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

@Rachael. The friendship and mutual (non sexual) interests still outweigh the leaving.

@mpassion. Very good points. There are so many different options available and they can change and develop. Something I had forgotten when I was stressing about the talk

@jacqs. I think you have just described the future path of my relationship. Thank you for your honesty

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

@jacqs. I think you have just described the future path of my relationship. Thank you for your honesty"

Most knew on here i wasnt happy the cracks was there it was a matter of time but i dont regret it.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"@mpassion. Very good points. There are so many different options available and they can change and develop. Something I had forgotten when I was stressing about the talk"

Me and Mrs P have great sex and are very much in love... I sense from your previous reply that things aren't so great in your sex life. Personally, I don't think I've heard a tale of a couple that didn't have good sex, opened up their relationship, and survived to tell the tale. Perhaps you should start another thread asking if this is anyone's story. If not it may be worth quitting while you're ahead and keeping it clean.

I only had "the talk" with Mrs P precisely because I felt we were secure enough to tackle it... plus it had nothng to do with improving or varying our love life... it was just somethnig I'd fantisised about trying with her... even then I only opened a crack in the door by confessing that I was sexually attracted to other women... this alone proved to be something of a bombshell initially. Over time we worked through it and we did a lot of growing up in the process. She's now very much on board with it

Based on my experience my advice to others is generally not to try jumping up too many rungs of the ladder at once, break it down, and just deal with one thing at a time.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had a sexless relationship for 8 years. Now I'm single & lonely.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *uckandbunnyCouple
over a year ago

In your bed

I've been very lucky to be in a relationship where communication was very open from the start.

I think probably the hardest thing is to open lines of communication after a prolonged period without talking, or without talking about specific subjects.

I would think if you want to open the relationship, the first step would be to open the communication, which may mean it's going to be a long road to an open relationship.

Opening communication would take sometime as it will come as a surprise to the other half that you are now going to discuss sex and fantasies as a couple if this is something you've never done before and change can be difficult for some, especially if they are going to find out that they have been doing something wrong that they have thought for years they were getting right.

But that would be the honest way to go.

There are quicker options which are more akin to ripping the plaster off. And I'm sure some would just go for that option but it all depends which is best for you and your relationship.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *itTVlondonTV/TS
over a year ago

London

Stop pretending you need to have "the talk"; wake up smell the coffee - some of you are too afraid to leave partners for low self-esteem/financial/kids/jointly-owned stuff reasons; we're all here for sex whatever form this may (or not) take; full stop; and those of you sayong that your partner had no mojo etc this is bull; it s no mojo with YOU; so good on those for leaving the relationship (if that's what you re calling it)if you wish to play separately and neither of you dares speak the truth. When there is no sex it means one of you(or both) can t stand the other physically or otherwise; let s all get off our high horses sometimes (if we dare); some of you are together cos of a shared mortgage - how VERY sad!!!!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Stop pretending you need to have "the talk"; wake up smell the coffee - some of you are too afraid to leave partners for low self-esteem/financial/kids/jointly-owned stuff reasons; we're all here for sex whatever form this may (or not) take; full stop; and those of you sayong that your partner had no mojo etc this is bull; it s no mojo with YOU; so good on those for leaving the relationship (if that's what you re calling it)if you wish to play separately and neither of you dares speak the truth. When there is no sex it means one of you(or both) can t stand the other physically or otherwise; let s all get off our high horses sometimes (if we dare); some of you are together cos of a shared mortgage - how VERY sad!!!!

Not always that simple. What if you can't have sex any more say for health reasons for example bit you still love the person?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *andsomeLondonerMan
over a year ago

London

[Removed by poster at 30/05/15 17:29:02]

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I assume you are currently in a closed relationship and that you are looking to open it. Fully closed is when you don't even have friends outside your relationship... and fully open is when you let each other go off and have sex with other people in private... they are both the absolute extremes. Don't whatever you do, suggest switching from one to the other. Instead you should talk only about the step immediately infront of you both. If you don't have any friends, talk about going out and making friends. If you don't look at others sexually, talk about how you might enjoy watching some porn together.. then later how nice it might be to watch people doing it for real. If you both already enjoy watching others have sex, see whether he'd like you two being watched and maybe even a little touching... etc etc.

At some point along the spectrum towards complete openness you'll find your equillibrium, your comfort zone, and you can just settle there for a while until you feel like going further.

That's a great answer

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *itTVlondonTV/TS
over a year ago

London

Not always that simple. What if you can't have sex any more say for health reasons for example bit you still love the person?"

You have - sadly - clearly misunderstood my comments

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

@jacqs. It's all about knowing that you tried and in the end have no regrets. I'm just trying to judge whether I will , or not, it if things end now.

@mpassion.

"my advice to others is not to try jumping up too many rungs of the ladder at once, break it down, and just deal with one thing at a time. "

Thank you for another wise response. That's definitely the way I am going to go now. Your previous response made me think of a lot of elements and all sorts of permutations. I think in the end I was thinking for of the talk than the all the different possibilities there were. I am now rethinking how to do the talk because I am not just focussed on one option.

@Enchanting Enticement. So, do you not advocate talking? Did you talk?

@_uckandbunny79

"I think probably the hardest thing is to open lines of communication after a prolonged period without talking, or without talking about specific subjects.

I would think if you want to open the relationship, the first step would be to open the communication, which may mean it's going to be a long road to an open relationship."

You've hit the nail on the head there. It's getting the talking started.

@KitTVlondon

Thank you for your perspective. I am not one to see things in black and white. I want the talk because I think that there is a lot of value in my relationship and to fling it away without trying is wasting something good. I am trying not to factor in the sorts of things you mention but it's not that easy. You are right tho, I do need to not think about this elements. Whether that is right or wrong is all a matter of perspective. Whether it's right for the two of us at this moment in time is all I can see,

Oh and I agree with your second comment.

@Fiddleflaps. There are many reasons for a relationship to become sexless. It's how to address that within the relationship that is the issue here for me.

@Alex34. I agree, it's. great answer isn't it.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Lastly I would like to say a huge THANK YOU to everyone who has replied on here and in private messages. It is a difficult and painful topic for me and I must admit I was nervous and worried about posting. have received so many replies that have made me rethink and consider this from so many different angles.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *orthwest_cplCouple
over a year ago

Stretford

As several people have suggested, if you value what you have, then professional counselling is the way forward. Relate do sex therapy which might fix what seems to be broken. Broaching the need for counselling and accepting that you both need it will be easier than the diy approach.

We're off out playing now but pm if you want any more details - it worked for us.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not always that simple. What if you can't have sex any more say for health reasons for example bit you still love the person?

You have - sadly - clearly misunderstood my comments

"When there is no sex it means one of you(or both) can t stand the other physically or otherwise"......

My point is that's not always the case in some circumstances.

If I've misunderstood that please explain how?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *itTVlondonTV/TS
over a year ago

London

Not always that simple. What if you can't have sex any more say for health reasons for example bit you still love the person?

You have - sadly - clearly misunderstood my comments

"When there is no sex it means one of you(or both) can t stand the other physically or otherwise"......

My point is that's not always the case in some circumstances.

If I've misunderstood that please explain how?"

I would kindly request that you re-read the original posting; I was responding to that since the OP mentions "no mojo"; you needs to start a different thread for me to comment further. I try to always stick to the OP's original comment; if not we would all be going on tangents. Bottom line is that if you are not in a happy sexual relationship then DO something about it and stop fretting about it; sadly some people still prefer to fester in an unproductive "relationship/mortgage deal" cos they do not believe they can find fun( or whatever you wish to call it) elsewhere; never ever would I stay stay with a man who did not give me cock - and cock on a very regular basis

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

@northwest_col

Thank you. I have PMd you for more details about the counselling.

@Fiddleflaps

I understand that you have an issue with an element of KitTV's advice to me. I am really looking for advice on here about how to address issues within my relationship. If you can add or help me then I would appreciate that. It would be nice if this very positive thread wasn't derailed by an argument over an element of KitT's very positive comments that have been taken out of context.

@KitTVlonodn

"SBottom line is that if you are not in a happy sexual relationship then DO something about it and stop fretting about it; sadly some people still prefer to fester in an unproductive "relationship/mortgage deal" cos they do not believe they can find fun( or whatever you wish to call it) elsewhere"

Thank you for your response and for keeping what has been, in the main, a very positive thread. The words I quoted above are a very eloquent expression of what I am trying to do. To find a way of "doing" something. I know I can't keep going on as I am, hence the question on here.

Thank you on both counts.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ssex couple 4uCouple
over a year ago

witham

my wife and her mate got me d*unk, tied me to the bed complete with blindfold, the rest is history..

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

A very interesting thread.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My relationship used to be pretty much sexless with a woman who wouldn't talk about the problems in our relationship.

She constantly ducked even a kiss to the forehead when I came home from work and when I begged her to sit down to talk she'd just tell me if I wanted sex to go find it elsewhere.

Five years later I finally did.

I know it sounds strange but my having an affair with a girl 21 years younger was the catalyst to where I am now.

My partner realised she'd lost me. She fought to win me back. By then I'd also seen my opertunity to explore if I was bi.

I realised I still wanted her and finished the affair.

This is where things changed; we talked. A lot.

I told her I thought I was bi and she realised that was my barrier. She dropped her barriers too.

We talked lots.

We went to chameleons to see if I was really bi and we both really enjoyed the swinging environment.

Her acceptance of me made me realise I never wanted to lose her again so I married her within a month at Gretna green.

Talking and honesty is the key.

Life's too short. Good luck xx"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *bsinthe_boyMan
over a year ago

Luton

I can't offer advice specific to sexless marriages or partners who are difficult to talk with.

But I can offer the advice that it's best to have "the talk" somewhere you are both as comfy as you can be. For example if one of you finds it harder to discuss important, intimate issues while out at a restaurant then don't choose a restaurant. Usually home or somewhere neutral but private is best.

As for timing, you will hopefully know when your partner is most open to a substantive chat. You could start by asking if he's happy with the situation - chances are he's not any happier than you.

Otherwise, as always I advocate open communication in relationships regardless of whether they are sexually open.

My wife and I had "the talk" in very different circumstances so I can only be fairly general. Don't try to push him into opening up more than he's reasonably comfy with. As an earlier couple said, we opened up because we felt secure and ready to do so. Your situation is different but I do wonder if he's just as unhappy as you. Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Great to hear ladies talking about sexless marrige we have beeb together 30 years i would like it if we started meeting shes not sure so i aint forceing the issue

But we need to spice things up

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *onyneMan
over a year ago

Newcastle

This is generally a good thread recognising the difficulties of the original poster...I have never been in this sort of situation but I am always interested in how people's lives are and how we all manage the things thrown at us...All I want to add is good luck and hope you find a way of dealing with it all and coming out the other end [whatever that may be...] feeling you have done the right things.

Best wishes.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

This went well

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

Post new Message to Thread