FabSwingers.com forum: Am I alone on wanting to meet safely first?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Hi Folks,

OK now this might be a bit of an odd one, but I feel compelled to ask.

I know that this is a swingers site (

) but I do feel like I'm in the minority (of men at least) wanting to get to know someone a little better before jumping into bed with them.

I've sent my fair share of messages. I make a concerted effort to highlight my desire to have a natter / "safe" contact to see if we click and taking it from there (along with actually reading the profile in question and making sure I might be a possible match). I often wonder whether it puts women / couples off because I want to meet informally first?

Fine there are some people here who are happy to just "fuck and forget" but I, personally, find that a little off-putting. Maybe some people want to "forget about their lives" a little but surely that's no excuse for manners / decency when it comes to meeting?

I am not some prude stuck up his own arse because I don't have as many meets as others here (for me it's quality, not quantity) or that 99% of my messages are deleted' but I am curious to know why more single blokes don't push for this instead of just wanting to get into peoples pants?

I'm not naive, I know that the thrill of meeting someone is a buzz but I just find it a little tricky sometimes to understand why folks wouldn't want to at least meet in a safe place first?

I'd really be interested in your thoughts on this,

Cheers,

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By *inkershoes69Woman
over a year ago

maidstone

i personally would always meet for a social first, i wouldnt feel safe at all just turning up expecting to shag xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I prefer to meet in a safe place first before diving into it so to speak.

However, I have been known to have the odd moments of madness when I just dived into it!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think you might want to try a dating site.

Masterq81

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it is down to personal preference...

We used to do social meets but then had a few problems with Meets thinking social meets were more than they were..

So we stopped.. Now we talk on the phone, and sometimes on cam first... but we dont do socials at all.

We dont forget about them after though, and tend to have people back.

Katie

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i always meet somewhere thats full of people; Asda, Walmart, or a pub, or Starbucks, i wouldnt be that daft to meet at my home or theirs. Most of the men ive met, have been quite happy to meet for coffee/drink, its only the desperate ones that quite happily message to meet for sex without even bothering to meet the person socially first. So personally i think you are in a majority

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I always meet socially for a coffee etc before arranging a play meet. It's always in a public place and I've yet to have anyone overstep any boundaries!

As a single female it works for me and I'm never that desperate for a shag that I'd want someone without knowing their name!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

always meet socially first if am meetin on my own, just puts everyone at ease

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've had the opposite, where a man has gone in the huff when I suggested a social, as it's "not a dating site."

From a personal safety angle, it's a must for me. I want to look someone in the eye, gauge their personality and see if we click beforehand.

I'm quite happy to have one drink and get on with it if we're both happy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

After a little critism on chat for our views on this I thought I would put this within this thread.

It is not that we get that oh.. want a fuck, lets have one now.. We often spend weeks sorting out, who, what, why and where... Its just we dont meet socially before hand. We have very limited time available to meet to play, let alone do the social bits too.. so for us we feel that it is just as safe to meet at our house.

We also as already stated had problems when we were meeting socially. So how we are works for us..

Nothing to do with being desperate.

Katie.

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By *ruitWoman
over a year ago

near kings lynn

Not sure one poster would suggest a dating site????

I think you are lovely to suggest and want to meet socially first. It shows you want to prove who you are and have the same in return and see if there is any chemistry before meeting for saucy fun.

That is considerate and a damn good idea so not sure what it has to do with suggesting to try a dating site.

The OP is looking to check all is ok before meeting to fook someones brains out. That is a swinging meet.

If he specified that he wants to meet one special person for the rest of his life and never have sex with another person just his partner then yes a dating site would be best.

Op. I think your very considerate and suggest you get to some socials as clearly your happy to socialise first.

Good luck in finding your meets and a person openly suggesting a coffee meet first would be a massive encouragement to me. Good luck hunny xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"After a little critism on chat for our views on this I thought I would put this within this thread.

We also as already stated had problems when we were meeting socially. So how we are works for us..

Nothing to do with being desperate.

Katie."

I suppose though its much better if there are 2 of you, its when there is only 1 person meeting a single person, so for me i wouldnt do it, ive also little time, work 50hrs pw but i still meet socially first even if its only in my lunchbreak

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Not sure one poster would suggest a dating site????

I think you are lovely to suggest and want to meet socially first. It shows you want to prove who you are and have the same in return and see if there is any chemistry before meeting for saucy fun.

That is considerate and a damn good idea so not sure what it has to do with suggesting to try a dating site.

The OP is looking to check all is ok before meeting to fook someones brains out. That is a swinging meet.

If he specified that he wants to meet one special person for the rest of his life and never have sex with another person just his partner then yes a dating site would be best.

Op. I think your very considerate and suggest you get to some socials as clearly your happy to socialise first.

Good luck in finding your meets and a person openly suggesting a coffee meet first would be a massive encouragement to me. Good luck hunny xxx"

I have said very similar and its a shame he is so far away judging by the number of idiots ive had message me this week, must be cos its school holidays

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think you might want to try a dating site.

Masterq81"

That's a patronising comment. Having regard for personal safety doesn't mean you want wedded bliss or long lasting love.

The O.P is right to be wary of diving in.

Im with Pearl. I insist on a social meet first but often feel relaxed with the person and - as she so 'inelequently puts it' - dive in.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"After a little critism on chat for our views on this I thought I would put this within this thread.

We also as already stated had problems when we were meeting socially. So how we are works for us..

Nothing to do with being desperate.

Katie."

I find meeting socially is FAR QUICKER than all that endless messaging and sorting.

My profile says, message, chat , face cam , meet socially.......

Two hours ..... NOT two months.

But I won't be rude to you cos you do it differently

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Like other ladies who meet solo, I like to meet for a coffee or drink first. It's mainly the personal safety aspect and of course to see if there is the "spark". I would imagine it's a lot harder to turn someone down if your in their house whereas in a public place you can be fairly confident that there will be no tantrums

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Like other ladies who meet solo, I like to meet for a coffee or drink first. It's mainly the personal safety aspect and of course to see if there is the "spark". I would imagine it's a lot harder to turn someone down if your in their house whereas in a public place you can be fairly confident that there will be no tantrums

Oh Gawd juicy ........ imagine it ... someone unfanciable sidlin up to you in their house.....and you can't make a gettaway ........eeeeek !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"After a little critism on chat for our views on this I thought I would put this within this thread.

We also as already stated had problems when we were meeting socially. So how we are works for us..

Nothing to do with being desperate.

Katie.

I agree - if there's two of you: BIG difference in my opinion.

I live with my two daughters, and work long hours - also work when I get home so have limited time to play.

I don't meet in hotels, so it would be my home. For me it would be a sign of desperation to invite a stranger into the home I share with my girls just for a quick fuck - never going to happen!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh Gawd juicy ........ imagine it ... someone unfanciable sidlin up to you in their house.....and you can't make a gettaway ........eeeeek !

Tee hee...I often wonder when people "meet today" or meet, sight unseen how the get out of playing with someone who really doesn't float their boat!!

Something to be said for lunch time meets - can always say I have to get back to work if they're really not for me...which has happened on more than one ocassion!!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thanks for the replies so far folks.

I'm not going to bring up specific posts (as I think the views have been settled and explained. Have to admit I never thought I'd get talked about on chat

) I have to say I did raise my eyebriffs a little when I first read it (without seeing the additional replies later on mind).

I am thankful for everyone taking the time to share their views, I think that from my own POV, I am a big chap (tall and broad) and can see that it might be intimidating for some. No that's not being being up my own arse but if someone is a few feet taller and you aren't sure on them it can be a little unnerving / pressured (for both parties I should add, I'm not one to think it's "their problem" or "get over it").

Like others have said, I would be looking to use the "social" to gauge how things go. Fine if you click on-line / MSN or even on the phone it's all good but I would have thought it might have taken the pressure off by being on neutral ground.

Completely understand that people are busy and that fun takes second place to work, I think it's great that some of you would even take time out from your lunch breaks to see how things are!

It is good to know that a lot of folks on here are happy with being asked, I can see how it might be given to looking like wanting a LTR but I just want both parties to be happy (and to be able to walk away having had, if nothing else, a bit of a chinwag or even a muse about the weather!)

I know that swinging is fun and maybe I'm repeating what I typed earlier about the buzz of meeting someone and really clicking and going for it.

We are all human and sometimes it just flows and you both click quickly and take things further.

Cheers for the kind words by the way, good to know that it's a positive thing (and that I'm OK asking for it).

Harv

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i am exactly the same way as you would like to meet first. firstly for the ladies safety. i would like to see if there is any sort of chemistry i think sex is much better when there is.

but unfortunately i haven't had any luck while my profile has been on here. there are more fella's than females.

have updated and changed my profile but to no avail its basically a lottery hoping a female finds you attractive and would like to meet and have fun at some point.

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By *arambarMan
over a year ago

swindon

I think there's a lot to be said for attending the Fab Swingers Meets that various people arrange around the country.

Yes, there are way more males on here than females but I'd hazard a guess that the vast majority don't put the effort in to stand out from the crowd, e.g. by attending meets and creating a rapport with other members.

I'm confident that the majority think they can just send a message to someone and that they'll 'score', treating the site as if it is some sort of meat market.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes, I Always meet socially before I play.

I made the mistake once of inviting someone into my home without doing so, and paid the price.

Nothing shocking just the feeling as posted by the girlies above of someone less than sexy sidling up to you and feeling I had to go through with it.

I had no one but myself to blame for that.

Suffice it to say the sex was deeply unsatisfactory, and the man was rude about the size of my little house, as he was leaving!

It left me feeling very small, and I no longer host. I also vet my prospective meets very carefully now though.

So to the OP, good on you, safety should always be number one, male or female.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

we always meet social before anything goes as learnt the hard way that some people don't take no for no and when they are in your house kind of difficult to get them out... H.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

well just sending a message and expecting a gal to jump straight into bed ain't gonna happen i use the forum and go into chat.

but there are plenty of fellas that think this site is exactly that a meat market. i will just keep trying my time will come lol

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thanks for the extra replies folks,

It is interesting (if a little saddening) to hear of a few meets that went downhill. I suppose its one of those things that you learn from though.

I'm noticing a couple of replies taht seem to be nudging this thread into a "why am I not getting any meets" direction. I don't want to go that route so I'd respectfully ask if we could get back on topic.

To answer the questions posed though, no I'm not an avid user of the chat system... it's something I have tried but I can't seem to get my head around. Fine if I need to use it more then I'm not afraid to head in again but i prefer to try direct messages (or post on here) as I know I'm contacting that person or posing a question to the fab folks that inhabit these fair parts

I'm not expecting anything mate, that's something I'm learning pretty quickly from being on here. I'm sure a lot of people would be happy if it did happen like that but then that would mean that none of us were human and had no capability of making our own decisions

If anything I'd rather send one message and get a "no" then send many and get seen as an inconsiderate jerk who doesn't take time to read profiles. There are waaay too many blokes on here who think that is how the game is played and I think it drags decent chaps through the mud too as we most likely get deleted as part of a "mass inbox clearout".

Right, back OT

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thanks for the extra replies folks,

It is interesting (if a little saddening) to hear of a few meets that went downhill. I suppose its one of those things that you learn from though.

Right, back OT

im another one that doesnt use the chat facility, far too fast, too complicated so ive no idea what was being said about meeting socially first whether its a male or female, or even a couple. I still prefer though to meet socially first, whether a normal week or at a club or social, well sometimes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You can't dictate how people reply: it's an open forum and people will respond how they see fit. Threads seldom stay on topic!

Personally I only meet single men. If I assumed all single men were jerks I'd never meet, so I certainly don't judge all men the same.

What does surprise me though is the number of single men that don't accommodate but want to come to yours after a couple of messages!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Know that feeling Jayne, can be tricky to escape when they are stood there in the nude and full of anticipation! They can't strip off in Starbucks

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Greykitten - have you hacked into my messages??? I get those messages too on a regular basis and my personal favourites are those where the guy spends about an hour trying to persuade me that meeting a random stranger in a hotel at 11pm for "fun" is a good idea and then going into a mard when I say I have no desire to appear in a Crimewatch reconstruction!

I always meet socially too for similar reasons to other posters even though it does put people off but that's their problem not mine and well done to OP for taking that approach.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I get those. I don't enter into a conversation with them. Don't know why anyone does.

Women - Men - Hotel - Late night first meet ..... This and Fish stink...

Money should be changing hands somewhere.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have now learnt (via the hard way) that the easiest way is to block as as I send the thanks but no thanks reply.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ha ! I know .... I used to speak reasonably to them till I realised they were not reasonable ....

Didn't take long. Now I just don't respond.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We always meet up for a drink first and take it from there if we are happy with the scenario. Or we meet at a swinging club. If we dont want to play then its easy to get up and go and not feel obliged. Of course I am part of a couple so in effect its easier as Im always safe with my partner there. If I was a single female on the scene, I would want to meet up for a coffee first and if all ok then perhaps have another chat on the phone before arranging a play meet. But like I said, we're a couple so its much easier and safer for couples I feel

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Greykitten - have you hacked into my messages??? I get those messages too on a regular basis and my personal favourites are those where the guy spends about an hour trying to persuade me that meeting a random stranger in a hotel at 11pm for "fun" is a good idea and then going into a mard when I say I have no desire to appear in a Crimewatch reconstruction!

I always meet socially too for similar reasons to other posters even though it does put people off but that's their problem not mine and well done to OP for taking that approach."

Not sure i can find the post you are talking about though i did comment on another one about several messages ive received this week

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