FabSwingers.com forum: Why I do what I do...

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I think, though I may be wrong, that this may be more relevant to the guys on here.

I will start by saying, in every other aspect our relationship is very good and without drama.

But...

I have been married for 20+ years, for the last 15 or so years (with the exception of a 3 month burst of activity a few years back) we have sex 1-2 times a year!

And I have to earn those opportunities and they are only offered when we are staying in a hotel.

After years of rejection when making an effort, I have given up on trying and any sexual or physical closeness has gone and been replaced by resentment at being turned down so many times.

I discovered swinging/meeting sites a while back and now use them for physical satisfaction, as much as its wrong and cheating, it keeps the family together and the friendship (which is what it is) together too.

Btw, I gave my wife permission to look elsewhere about a year ago, no idea if she's done it.

Therapy session over.

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By *ivemeyoursoulWoman
over a year ago

Easter just around the corner!

Maybe she would be interested in this site as well,enjoy the fun together.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Awwww

I think this is why my last relationship ended, he was so full on like a puppy it started to put me off because I started to worry I wouldnt be good enough, sexy enough, etc. It felt like I had to perform for him.I always thought i had a high sex drive.

Hmm the OP has really made me think now, lol

Didnt expect to feel upset at myself on a sat morning, bugger lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A lot of women won't fuck bi guys. Perhaps you forgot to mention that before you got married

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By *ivemeyoursoulWoman
over a year ago

Easter just around the corner!

It's nice that you gave your wife 'permission' to look elsewhere a year ago considering you've been on here for a few years

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By *arton BlueMan
over a year ago

Preston

Maybe she's been "looking elsewhere" for longer than you think, that's why she's not interested in sex with you?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A lot of women won't fuck bi guys. Perhaps you forgot to mention that before you got married"

I'd love to know the actual statistic to that so could see if there is any truth to the reason why so many bi guys put themselves down as straight or is it some swingers myth?

OP have you tried to find out what's wrong?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I feel for you...

Rejection from a loved one is one of the worst corners you can back a guy into. Considering your story, you deserve to get your fun where you can.

Now, what's her side of the story?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A lot of women won't fuck bi guys. Perhaps you forgot to mention that before you got married

I'd love to know the actual statistic to that so could see if there is any truth to the reason why so many bi guys put themselves down as straight or is it some swingers myth?

OP have you tried to find out what's wrong?"

Don't know the statistic but I wouldn't and from reading profiles on here a lot of other women wouldnt. It was just a thought

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I think, though I may be wrong, that this may be more relevant to the guys on here.

I will start by saying, in every other aspect our relationship is very good and without drama.

But...

I have been married for 20+ years, for the last 15 or so years (with the exception of a 3 month burst of activity a few years back) we have sex 1-2 times a year!

And I have to earn those opportunities and they are only offered when we are staying in a hotel.

After years of rejection when making an effort, I have given up on trying and any sexual or physical closeness has gone and been replaced by resentment at being turned down so many times.

Btw, I gave my wife permission to look elsewhere about a year ago, no idea if she's done it.

Therapy session over.

Relationships are really tough aren't they. Without hearing your wife's side of things I can't comment but you've clearly reached a point where you need to talk it over with somebody. Talking to strangers about it is often easier but talking to your wife will be the most productive...unless she has no intention of ever discussing it.

Good luck

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By *eithoWoman
over a year ago

Chatham

Doesn't really sound like a great friendship if you don't communicate.

You're not sure if she's acted on your 'permission'? You don't seem to know why the sex has dwindled, for her perspective?

Maybe talk to each other?

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By *oobsandballsMan
over a year ago

st andrews

My ex had intimacy issues, and we only had sex once in the year we were together.

It took me a while to accept that the issues were his and it wasn't that he didn't fancy me, we had a great relationship in every other respect.

But had he not ended it when he did, I probably would have soon after as I do need physical intimacy.

I assume that there has been some discussion with your wife about this. Have you talked about counselling?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

my marriage was the opposite, the sex was never a problem, it was just everything else.

but as in all relationships its all about communication, if you cannot talk about the problems they fester until there is no way back.

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

Sometimes one or both can find it impossible to talk about intimate issues. So then the obvious 'talk to her' approach simply won't work. So that leaves chastity or cheating if there is no solution apart from divorce. Sounds like the OP doesn't want that as an outcome.

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By *igertigerCouple (MM)
over a year ago

Dublin

Why do you stay in a sexless relationship? What happened after 5 years for your sex life to implode?

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By *abioMan
over a year ago

Newcastle and Gateshead

maybe its the cynical in me... i was just thinking after reading the OP was this:

"is he trying to justify what he does to himself to make himself feel better.... or is he trying to justify it to others so he will get more meets!"

I know.....

the "justifcation" element is the thing i think that galls people the most.... either just do it... or dont! don't try to justify it

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By *eneral HysteriaMan
over a year ago

Newcastle

This is alarmingly similar to a place I found myself.

Almost word for word - even down to the burst of activity. Ours was 6 weeks though, not 3 months. I remember exactly when it was. November 2011. It's etched on my mind.

Her issue was confidence. We talked about it, I understood, she knew how I felt (although she didn't know I had a profile here) and we were able to stay together. I didn't want to cheat but I had desires and needed intimacy and sex and female company.

Yes, I'm still on here, as I enjoy the craic. I'd had the previous, active profile for years when, inexplicably, she had this horny streak - we even opened an account on here together!! Hence cancelling mine - no need for it.

Somehow we got through it. I persevered and we do now have sex occasionally.

There can be light at the end of the tunnel but it can be a long tunnel.

I know exactly where the OP is coming from - good luck with it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"maybe its the cynical in me... i was just thinking after reading the OP was this:

"is he trying to justify what he does to himself to make himself feel better.... or is he trying to justify it to others so he will get more meets!"

I know.....

the "justifcation" element is the thing i think that galls people the most.... either just do it... or dont! don't try to justify it"

Hi Fabio, some times you just have to get things off your chest. I'd be amazed if this was a ploy to get more meetings, I would expect it to do the opposite.

I don't justify myself to anyone most of all myself, you would be surprised at the number of direct messages I've had from people in the same boat.

I have tried to get my wife to go to joint counselling, i have gad one to one counselling and even said i was leaving, which had a short term effect.

I actually think if my wife was self sufficient she would leave, although I've given her that option too.

It's just very difficult and very frustrating

I would prefer a healthy sex life at home and not need to be on here at all.

But sometimes life just isn't that simple!

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

A considered approach to a difficult life situation.

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By *awandOrderCouple
over a year ago

SW London

Op interested in what you said about earning sex and when it happens, it does so in a hotel. How and why do you earn it? Maybe do more of that? Also, what is different about hotels from home, and why not treat her more often?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A considered approach to a difficult life situation.

I agree.

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By *eliciouslyNastyMan
over a year ago

London

These posts pop up on here every now and then, but very few running through the situation...

And is usually the case, you can't trust people to help you or give you advice.

Especially marrieds or those hurt before, emotions and outdated notions about how the world works, rules their minds.

Most of their simple ideas you will of tried before.

They will tell you to talk, tell you to be honest, then berate you for doing so.

I think it was said before, you either cheat or become celibate or you bury yourself in other activities that take all your energy. Which is a long slow way to divorce.

There is no easy was out if you have ties, your just heading towards the eventual car crash.

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By *oobsandballsMan
over a year ago

st andrews

"Op interested in what you said about earning sex and when it happens, it does so in a hotel. How and why do you earn it? Maybe do more of that? Also, what is different about hotels from home, and why not treat her more often? "

Hmm, but that in itself is a concern, if he's being treated as if he has to be a 'good boy' to get his treat

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By *LCCCouple
over a year ago

Cambridge

OP it sounds like a very sad situation for both of you.

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