FabSwingers.com forum: Starting play in a club/group situation

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

fab disclaimer first.. ( so Tina doesn't need her forms) I will state a few things but this does not meant that I only play because I am trying to please my partner.. Trust me, I am a stubborn cow that wouldn't do anything JUST to please anyone else anymore

okay we are not newbies but playing with women has only been something I ( ms) has done for a couple of years.. its newer to me than playing as a couple.. and I am still struggling with a few things.. So decided to ask the good people of fab.. as no matter how many years you do this.. there is always something new to learn.

When we are playing it frustrates Mr at times that I wont be more proactive about making the first move.. but for me its a case of for years when I DIDNT want to play with women...I would often find womens hands wandering or them helping themselves to me in group situations. Including once where a couple had swapped over and I was mortified when I realised it was a woman that had been playing with me...

so I always like to make sure the lady is bi ... now if your chatting first this is normally pretty easy to suss out and you know that your okay if you go to a room to play...

However its when your say in a hottub.. or on a big group bed and there are people everywhere..

Am I spoiling the go with the flow by waiting till I have asked the lady .... and also I am the same with touching someone elses man...

I will never just touch.... but it seems that I am rare... Even Mr will say may I before indulging...

But sometimes I have found it can disturb the moment.

SOmetimes I think I think to much about it and should just let go more.. but this is a real thing that bothers me.

Thanks in advance for your help..

Ms Deviant ( who cant sleep YET again.)

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By *LCCCouple
over a year ago

Cambridge

I say consent is key in this lifestyle. If I am next to a woman that I would like to play with, I will ask "is it OK to touch?" Then a few minutes later check it's still OK, then ask "is it OK to kiss you?". If my hands start moving to other erogenous zones then I will always use that as another point to check that my play partner is still OK with what's happening.

That's the method I use, but I have never really heard anyone else play this way. I would much rather check first and get told no, than to start doing something and be told to stop.

Also I don't assume that because consent was given previously that it still remains. For example on a second meet I would be doing the same.

I haven't asked people what they thought of this approach, but they didn't seem to have an issue with it or say no so it must have not spoiled the mood too much.

I've heard it said before that "consent is emotional lube"

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By *jandjbCouple
over a year ago

Nr Manchester

"I say consent is key in this lifestyle. If I am next to a woman that I would like to play with, I will ask "is it OK to touch?" Then a few minutes later check it's still OK, then ask "is it OK to kiss you?". If my hands start moving to other erogenous zones then I will always use that as another point to check that my play partner is still OK with what's happening.

That's the method I use, but I have never really heard anyone else play this way. I would much rather check first and get told no, than to start doing something and be told to stop."

The first time we swung, on our third visit to a club, this is exactly what happened in the couples room. A female and male were already in there. After a while the female approached my wife and asked if they could join us. All sorts of soft play ensued and we never looked back. I think fem to fem approach is a very good way to get things started.

Him

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By *andomfodCouple
over a year ago

walsall

Haha but N is shy so we gotta cross our fingers lmao

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That's the method I use, but I have never really heard anyone else play this way. I would much rather check first and get told no, than to start doing something and be told to stop.

Also I don't assume that because consent was given previously that it still remains. For example on a second meet I would be doing the same.

I haven't asked people what they thought of this approach, but they didn't seem to have an issue with it or say no so it must have not spoiled the mood too much.

I've heard it said before that "consent is emotional lube"

I do this too. I am the same as you OP. I feel an idiot for asking, but if I didn't ask and the woman was straight or didn't like me, it would be awful. x

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By *he Queen of TartsWoman
Forum Mod
over a year ago

My Own Little World

I find it very rare that a woman in a group situation will ask another woman if it is ok to touch, in all the years I have been going to clubs I have only experienced this a handful of times.

I get the impression that many bi women seem to assume that most women in this lifestyle are bi.

And good to see you back on here, I have missed your posts

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I find it very rare that a woman in a group situation will ask another woman if it is ok to touch, in all the years I have been going to clubs I have only experienced this a handful of times.

I get the impression that many bi women seem to assume that most women in this lifestyle are bi.

And good to see you back on here, I have missed your posts

I hate it when bi women assume. I think it's just as disrespectful if another woman touches without asking. Happened to me whilst playing on a big bed with another female. She got told no and hand removed pronto! FFS people just ask. They may say yes. Touch without asking and it's more likely to be no.

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By *apillonNoirWoman
over a year ago

There...

I always always ask. If it's not the right moment to ask then just watch (from a respectful distance!) and approach when a break occurs. I've been touched more than once by folk I didn't want to play with in a club and it's infuriating. Catching someone's eye can be a good way to gauge attraction too - we all know that a look can convey many many words

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By *D40Couple
over a year ago

Wolverhampton

As a straight woman I commend you. I'd be mortified if I were in that situation.

Great thread

Mrs WD40

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I find it very rare that a woman in a group situation will ask another woman if it is ok to touch, in all the years I have been going to clubs I have only experienced this a handful of times.

I get the impression that many bi women seem to assume that most women in this lifestyle are bi.

And good to see you back on here, I have missed your posts

I have never been asked if its OK in a group situation and I'm straight, so is a big no no for me. A lot of women just assume and once or twice I've been mortified to find a woman between my legs when my viewpoint cleared! Got to say it has put me off group fun

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

So I'm guessing while it's not common most would appreciate me doing so.

Thanks x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We find this too with men and women. We both want to know its okay to play before we touch or kiss anyone but we find it awkward to as it can definitely kill the moment

But I think it would be worse if you touched someone without their consent and they didn't want you to xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Respect and basic manners for everyone, no matter what your sex is or the sex of everyone around you is paramount. A lack of these principles and double standards between men and women is completely unacceptable and infuriating.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"We find this too with men and women. We both want to know its okay to play before we touch or kiss anyone but we find it awkward to as it can definitely kill the moment

But I think it would be worse if you touched someone without their consent and they didn't want you to xx "

This reason makes me very wary of group play in an open room. I have had an occasion where men have joined in uninvited and I've had to stop play because I had not consented to them joining in and certainly not to them fucking me from behind. One of the major down falls of playing as a single female. There is no one to watch your back - literally!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"We find this too with men and women. We both want to know its okay to play before we touch or kiss anyone but we find it awkward to as it can definitely kill the moment

But I think it would be worse if you touched someone without their consent and they didn't want you to xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"We find this too with men and women. We both want to know its okay to play before we touch or kiss anyone but we find it awkward to as it can definitely kill the moment

But I think it would be worse if you touched someone without their consent and they didn't want you to xx

This is why we have often been chaperones both together and separate with nsa for ladies going who wanted to do open room fun.

It means they can utterly relax x

I feel better after reading these posts... But still don't know how I can say ask without it sounding so silly x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Haven't been in a group situation yet but I can assure you that anyone (male or female) that touched me without asking would likely lose a finger (or tongue)! It takes a second to ask but a lifetime to grow back an appendage

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Haven't been in a group situation yet but I can assure you that anyone (male or female) that touched me without asking would likely lose a finger (or tongue)! It takes a second to ask but a lifetime to grow back an appendage

You may want to rethink that after you have your first group play session. It is very very easy to get caught up in the moment and lose track of who is doing what. Believe me I am NO shrinking violet so if it can happen to me it can happen to anyone. My advice would be control the situation. Locked room only for group play from now on.

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By *eshzMan
over a year ago

0151

Agree

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By *hampagneAfterpartyCouple
over a year ago

if only everyone asked first! That would be amazing!

If it's a party where you know everyone it's ok, as you probably know each other's preferences and boundaries by the time you start to play, but a club room with strangers is different. Always ask first or expect a slap on the wrist (or worse)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Im assuming the same rules apply on a one to one with a female and 3sums too? Im considering dipping my toe

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By *ouble CCouple
over a year ago

Gran Canaria

Mr C knows me well and always has my back. And I will and have said a very loud NO THANK U when I was touched by a single male at a house party who practically ran into the room and jumped on the bed where 3 couples were playing. Miss C.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That's very good advice - thank-you. x

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By *LCCCouple
over a year ago

Cambridge

"Im assuming the same rules apply on a one to one with a female and 3sums too? Im considering dipping my toe

Yes I think asking is OK. Now as I am a man who likes to play with women it is usually me who takes the lead and asks the question. But I imagine that is is incredibly sexy to be asked "can I kiss you" etc.

Ladies, do you find it sexy to be asked?

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By *oobsandballsMan
over a year ago

st andrews

My first bi experience was with a couple at a club. We'd met for a drink beforehand and all four of us just clicked.

At the club I was very nervous but keen, though still wasn't sure if she was interested. Her man assured me she was, we all went to the hot tub and it just progressed naturally.

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By *oobsandballsMan
over a year ago

st andrews

"Im assuming the same rules apply on a one to one with a female and 3sums too? Im considering dipping my toe

Ladies, do you find it sexy to be asked? "

Yes, I do

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There's enough time for socialising at clubs. I don't want to play with people I haven't struck up a rapport with. If I want to play with a few people, I'd rather we all chatted, made sure we were all good to go, and then find a private room.

It's way too much hassle playing in open rooms.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Im assuming the same rules apply on a one to one with a female and 3sums too? Im considering dipping my toe

Ladies, do you find it sexy to be asked? "

Yes I do

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i was so shy to start playing - then at a club we chat to couples and i had to know if a gorgeous lady was bi - so i asked - those few seconds of dread and then its done - the answer was no the first time which didnt help much but the next time was a yes - now i just ask without thinking - i would never touch intimately without consent but a caress over hand/arm is a start - ive had ladies now who simply put a hand up to my face - and kiss me full on and its awesome - but its taken a long time - reading body language is a huge part of it - if we are at home i will take the lead - the chat will have decided if we are going to play - if i hold out my hand and its taken we just go from there

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We experienced our first group situation and it has put me off. Me and hubby took the step to have sex there which was fine, then we decided we'd like to have sex while watching others having sex but unfortunately people took that as in invitation to join in (which it absolutely wasn't). To make it worse they were all people much, much older than me and mainly women!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"We experienced our first group situation and it has put me off. Me and hubby took the step to have sex there which was fine, then we decided we'd like to have sex while watching others having sex but unfortunately people took that as in invitation to join in (which it absolutely wasn't). To make it worse they were all people much, much older than me and mainly women! "

What did you do? x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Once a group situation occurs we either take a look at who's involved and decide whether to stay and play , or leave and do summat else .

If we choose to stay then although it's not a free for all , our limits are flexible enough to not cause a scene , or make anyone too uncomfortable .

This flexibility is reserved purely for group play , and to be honest , more often than not we aren't nevessarily paying too much attention to who is doing what to who ( other than condoms of course ) and although this obviously won't suit everyone , it works for us .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did you do? x"

We kept sctum as didn't want to offend anyone. We liked the people there, just not sexually. Might be braver to say mno to strangers in a club?!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did you do? x

We kept sctum as didn't want to offend anyone. We liked the people there, just not sexually. Might be braver to say mno to strangers in a club?!"

Don't be afraid to say no, or move their hands away. Or even get up and leave if you have to.

I've told people I'm happy just watching (and don't want to play). Usually they've been fine with it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did you do? x

We kept sctum as didn't want to offend anyone. We liked the people there, just not sexually. Might be braver to say mno to strangers in a club?!

Don't be afraid to say no, or move their hands away. Or even get up and leave if you have to.

I've told people I'm happy just watching (and don't want to play). Usually they've been fine with it.

But if you do want to play how do you play with some that you do fancy but reject those you don't fancy without causing offence?!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did you do? x

We kept sctum as didn't want to offend anyone. We liked the people there, just not sexually. Might be braver to say mno to strangers in a club?!

Don't be afraid to say no, or move their hands away. Or even get up and leave if you have to.

I've told people I'm happy just watching (and don't want to play). Usually they've been fine with it.

But if you do want to play how do you play with some that you do fancy but reject those you don't fancy without causing offence?!"

Just tell them no thanks. If they can't take that then they shouldn't be there. If they get offended - tough! I'd rather be told no than playing with someone who didn't want to play with me.

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By *jandjbCouple
over a year ago

Nr Manchester

"i was so shy to start playing - then at a club we chat to couples and i had to know if a gorgeous lady was bi - so i asked - those few seconds of dread and then its done - the answer was no the first time which didnt help much but the next time was a yes - now i just ask without thinking - i would never touch intimately without consent but a caress over hand/arm is a start - ive had ladies now who simply put a hand up to my face - and kiss me full on and its awesome - but its taken a long time - reading body language is a huge part of it - if we are at home i will take the lead - the chat will have decided if we are going to play - if i hold out my hand and its taken we just go from there "

This is such a good answer.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"There's enough time for socialising at clubs. I don't want to play with people I haven't struck up a rapport with. If I want to play with a few people, I'd rather we all chatted, made sure we were all good to go, and then find a private room.

It's way too much hassle playing in open rooms."

But Debs there is noooo messing when your around! Still giggle at you putting that fella in his place

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