FabSwingers.com forum: Mental Block about intercourse

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Heys. Just posting this thread up looking for some advice of sorts. It's not a weepy thread of sorts, just my way of getting things off me and trying to get some advice from you friendly lot here.

I've been fairly active since joining Fab late last October. Before hand back home where I came from I was already a swinger until I met my ex. Started swinging again here due to a very traumatic breakup with her (another story another time) as the sex and social circle here sort of helped me cope with everything going on in my life.

However about almost two months ago I had two bad incidents happen to me in the regular swinging circle that I'm involved in. Now don't get me wrong I've always been made welcome by the hosts and the people who attended the private parties. And I've made some great friends. I admit perhaps I wasn't as adventurous or blatantly "up and on it" when it came to sex and swinging, in the sense that I really didn't approach it like a single bloke looking to get his rocks off. For me it was always putting the couple or the single woman before my own desires, and I got off frankly on watching and helping my partner get off as well.

First incident that happened, a newbie couple into swinging came to attend the party when I was around. Things turned very sour when the guy made disparaging remarks about my nationality and size, and although the girl was alright with playing with me and I was never pushy about it, he openly rejected me for her in public in a very crude and mean manner. Suffice to say they never came to the party again and their profile was gone in a matter of weeks, but the damage was done.

Second incident happened when a up-and-coming woman at said parties was doing a blowbang for all the guys there that night. When it came to my turn it was quite obvious to me at least that she wasn't that keen to blow me off. Why that was so especially after the fact that I've had sex with her the last time I met her without incident was beyond me but normally I would just shrug it off to personal preference. What really hurt though was that she couldn't (or didn't?) say no properly. Instead she chose to cook up some lame excuse about "needing a toilet urgently" and left me hanging there in front of seven other men who had already gotten their rocks off before me. I was incensed and told her off in private before leaving early, saying to her that she should just say she's not keen on playing with me instead of embarrassing me by hanging me out there in front of everyone else.

I'm not usually size-conscious. What I might not necessarily match to Caucasian guys or whoever guys in terms of size and pounding power I more than make up in foreplay and finger play/oral. But after these two incidents happened I ended up retiring for about a month before I regained the courage to come out and play again. But since I've returned there's been this constant mental block that has effectively stopped me from having sex with any woman I meet in swinging. Not because I don't want to have sex with them, but because physically I can't get it up due to some weird mental block about how "I'm not good enough". I don't know how to get around it, so I resort to foreplay and fingers/oral even more with good results. However it's getting increasingly frustrating for me (it's two months since I've last properly had sex with anyone) and I really don't know how I can continue swinging if all I can get up to is just foreplay and fingering/oral and playing second fiddle to other guys in gangbangs or husbands/boyfriends in MMF threesomes.

Feel free to look at my profile if you wanna, and you can see I've had a decent run of things. So really this isn't about me moaning of how I can't get laid, but more of me getting increasingly worried and despondent about how emasculated I feel when it comes to sexual intercourse because of whatever that has happened before. I tried my best to push any preconceived notions about size/race/age out of my mind when I play and just go out to have fun. But after everything that has happened I've really taken a self-confidence hit.

Any advice would be kindly received. I just want to get my drive and confidence back.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Man up and get over it.

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By *he Queen of TartsWoman
Forum Mod
over a year ago

My Own Little World

"Man up and get over it. "

Nice!!

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By *issy louWoman
over a year ago

Staffordshire Moorlands

"Man up and get over it. "

This!!! You have had 32 meets in 5 months, if you're not happy with things how they are try going for quality instead of quantity!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Man up and get over it.

This!!! You have had 32 meets in 5 months, if you're not happy with things how they are try going for quality instead of quantity!

Here we go , that old chestnut !

The op has been very open and honest and comments like this and get over it are hardly useful .

Our advice to the op is to perhaps make a new special friend and get back to what really works . Go to parties and events with her , enjoy seeing her have fun and gradually engage again .

Don't beat yourself up over size or race issues , see things for what they are and get back to having fun .

Good luck

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By *issmorganWoman
over a year ago

Calderdale innit

"Man up and get over it.

This!!! You have had 32 meets in 5 months, if you're not happy with things how they are try going for quality instead of quantity!

Here we go , that old chestnut !

The op has been very open and honest and comments like this and get over it are hardly useful .

Our advice to the op is to perhaps make a new special friend and get back to what really works . Go to parties and events with her , enjoy seeing her have fun and gradually engage again .

Don't beat yourself up over size or race issues , see things for what they are and get back to having fun .

Good luck

This is good advice,i hope you get it sorted op.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Man up and get over it.

This!!! You have had 32 meets in 5 months, if you're not happy with things how they are try going for quality instead of quantity!

Here we go , that old chestnut !

The op has been very open and honest and comments like this and get over it are hardly useful .

Our advice to the op is to perhaps make a new special friend and get back to what really works . Go to parties and events with her , enjoy seeing her have fun and gradually engage again .

Don't beat yourself up over size or race issues , see things for what they are and get back to having fun .

Good luck

Completely what I was thinking

To the other comment about his other meets, he's clearly explained why he feels bad about himself and why he can't have sex and it has nothing to do with his amount of meets! Your comment is just not necessary

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By *oxesMan
over a year ago

Southend, Essex

Dude without being there i would not know weather i am about to say is correct but.

She is single and can play with who ever she wants. And your single to so the same rule.

Il give you some advice as my ex is on here to. We have some heated arguments even though we are not together. We ate both on here and we both still respect each other. Swinging is not going to cure you or depresion . You need something else alingside .

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Dude without being there i would not know weather i am about to say is correct but.

She is single and can play with who ever she wants. And your single to so the same rule.

About the first point, of course I understand and respect the fact that everyone is free to choose whoever they want to play with. The thing that bugs me is that some people show no respect for men simply because they get so many fawning over them just to get their rocks off. If we're expected to jog on from females we don't feel compatible with then why should females who swing at parties not have the basic decency to turn someone down properly and nicely? We're all adults here and it's not like I can't deal with rejection, just that it's not very nice when they can't tell you no nicely and have to use excuses to get out of things. But that's besides the point anyway, I'm not debating this.

As for my ex and relationships, she is back home where I came from. I'm not seeing anyone in the UK at the moment. Sometimes I do feel that swinging is getting increasingly ineffective and unhealthy a crutch for me to get back on track after the breakup trauma that happened, but well I'm single, it's my choice to play, I'm responsible for myself and not cheating on anyone, and I find this an honest way to have fun so to speak.

Thanks for the kind advice so far from you all. And like what one or two of you said, I'm not moaning about not getting meets or getting laid. It's not about quantity at all.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My best friend who I have known for 9 years cannot orgasm through sex, due to his ex girlfriend dumping him because he couldn't come, which has made it worse, wish i could help him but he needs to sort himself out mentally

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The only advice I would give is have a small break, still attend parties ect.. but go without any intent to play but to chat connect with new friends and let time and nature take its course. Stress and confidence will make it difficult to be penetratively active.. but relax, forget playing and it will come back on its own, the more you force it the worse it will become. Good luck chap

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"My best friend who I have known for 9 years cannot orgasm through sex, due to his ex girlfriend dumping him because he couldn't come, which has made it worse, wish i could help him but he needs to sort himself out mentally"

Ouch that must really really hurt. I feel bad for him.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The only advice I would give is have a small break, still attend parties ect.. but go without any intent to play but to chat connect with new friends and let time and nature take its course. Stress and confidence will make it difficult to be penetratively active.. but relax, forget playing and it will come back on its own, the more you force it the worse it will become. Good luck chap"

Thanks for the advice. I'm still attending parties and events without the intention of actually getting laid. I'm still happy to help out in group play in terms of foreplay and stuff like that, but I've pretty much given up on forcing myself to actually have sex. Mental block plus the occasional condom anxiety thing that all men get at times can be a double blow.

My main worry is that I do not want to end up having a reputation for someone who either "misfires" or "is only a sideline/second-line player/not a "fucker" ". Because a honest opinion as I see it is that most women just want it hard and fast and you know, wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am. Sure they choose their men depending on chemistry but more often than not everyone just puts more importance on penetrative intercourse while neglecting everything else. I've yet to find anyone who is actually fine with more emphasis on foreplay and fingers/oral without ending up thinking "so how good is he in his pants/how hard a ramming can he give?". And this sort of pressure is exactly what I want to avoid. I have my niche area of "expertise" and it serves me well. But many women simply don't appreciate or take time for it as much as they should, they just run for the finish line and boom that's it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sounds horrible. It looks like both these experiences are connected to the same woman? You've managed many previous meets I imagine without problem so concentrate on all of those good times. Easier said than done i'm sure. Perhaps it wasn't anything to do with size or race the second time but she was put off by personal hygiene the first time round? Mortifying I know but maybe worth a thought. So many guys tell me how clean their cock is but it's almost never up to my standards of clean x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Sounds horrible. It looks like both these experiences are connected to the same woman? You've managed many previous meets I imagine without problem so concentrate on all of those good times. Easier said than done i'm sure. Perhaps it wasn't anything to do with size or race the second time but she was put off by personal hygiene the first time round? Mortifying I know but maybe worth a thought. So many guys tell me how clean their cock is but it's almost never up to my standards of clean x"

Oh no no. Both the experiences involved different women. And nope, it was quite clear in both cases that hygiene was not an issue. In the first case the male partner was not impressed by me not being a Caucasian or a local bloke. In the second case I found out from another friend who was still regularly swinging with the second woman that she commented to him on me being less-endowed after the first time I fucked her. And that she would never want to touch me again. If that's the case why couldn't she just tell that to me that she was not interested in me?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I completely disagree with this, it may be true for some women, but I bet more women likes the whole package including fore play.

Question for you OP, it sounds as though you prefer more intimate style of sex, would you not be better suited looking for 1 on 1 meets instead of focussing on groups, parties and gangbangs

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I completely disagree with this, it may be true for some women, but I bet more women likes the whole package including fore play.

Question for you OP, it sounds as though you prefer more intimate style of sex, would you not be better suited looking for 1 on 1 meets instead of focussing on groups, parties and gangbangs"

I'd very much like one-on-one meets. And yes intimate sex would work a lot better for me. But I need group scenarios and parties/gangbangs to network with people and actually "show the goods" so to speak. And I guess perhaps I haven't been long enough here on Fab for anyone to take like a personal interest in me to a one-on-one stage. And if such a single/couple does exist, the timing just hasn't arrived yet.

I'm not trying to gripe here. I just do my best, try my best to just enjoy myself and to hell with what others want to make of things, and not act desperate. I guess sometimes that makes me a bit too much of a pushover, because a lot of people I seem to know end up being the kinds who want it hard and fast.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I completely disagree with this, it may be true for some women, but I bet more women likes the whole package including fore play.

Question for you OP, it sounds as though you prefer more intimate style of sex, would you not be better suited looking for 1 on 1 meets instead of focussing on groups, parties and gangbangs

Why do you need to show the goods? What does it matter what anyone else thinks?

Be yourself and do meets actually enjoy instead of this "show the goods" attitude

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

wow!!! have you tried viagra? first point 2nd i think its more pack mentallity your dealing with. 3rd you sound like a well balanced guy who needs a bit of support. As has been suggested id look for one or two individuals to take to parties etc as you do seem to enjoy yours and your partners participation at these events so why stop going. If your not into viagra for whatever reason you may wish to seek help from your gp

I hope you work things out soon but if your problem is psychological your gonna have to play the long game im afraid there are no quick fixes for trama related problems

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

Firstly, that's a well written, informative and personal post so well done for that.

Secondly, I suspect it's a mental block causing physical reactions so what I'd do if I were you is to hide my profile and go quiet for a few weeks, find something interesting to do instead and get your mind off swinging.

Try again in a couple of months, refreshed and re-energized.

I was in a group sex situation once and as I'm bi, I had a good long hard throbbing look at the other guys cocks. Mine was the smallest. There was a loud guy there who said a lot and he said he spoke lots because he had a big cock (or words to that effect) and I said 'I never speak'. Stunned silence then gales of laughter as my subtle joke was appreciated (you had to be there....)

So as difficult as it may be, you have to develop a 'not bothered' attitude. After all, the rude guy might have had a bigger cock but he was socially inept and lacked confidence in himself: otherwise he would have kept his trap shut.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Find a fem you feel comfortable playing with and build up to full sex again with her. Just take things slow and you will get back to normal. X

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Firstly, that's a well written, informative and personal post so well done for that.

Try again in a couple of months, refreshed and re-energized.

thanks for making me chuckle a little.

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By *LCCCouple
over a year ago

Cambridge

There is something that I have recently heard of called the Private Gym, its pelvic floor muscle exercises for men which apparently works quite well. I don't know if it works, however it might be worth considering. They say it means people can get hard on demand, so perhaps it would help?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"There is something that I have recently heard of called the Private Gym, its pelvic floor muscle exercises for men which apparently works quite well. I don't know if it works, however it might be worth considering. They say it means people can get hard on demand, so perhaps it would help?

It's not about exercises. It's a mental block.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think your placing too much importance on group fun. For getting yourself a bit. Try not looking for sex try to work on yourself. One person at at time instead of a couple or a group. Build trust. Take it slow and relax

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Heys. Just posting this thread up looking for some advice of sorts. It's not a weepy thread of sorts, just my way of getting things off me and trying to get some advice from you friendly lot here.

Any advice would be kindly received. I just want to get my drive and confidence back. "

Ever thought that she might of actually had jaw ache lol

..my advice is get right in there..don't hold back until the moments nearly passed..never stand at the back of the q

. Darcy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Man up and get over it. "

well thats not going to help - hope you never feel the need to open your heart and ask for advice

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Man up and get over it.

well thats not going to help - hope you never feel the need to open your heart and ask for advice "

Don't you just love a man bitch lol. Darcy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't think group play is the way to find one on one meets?

Have you tried actual just normal dating? Step back from all the sex and just get to know someone?

I couldn't really care about how good a guy is in bed, I'm more interested in who they are as a person and whether I click with them.

And that's me as a married woman only looking for fun!

It's also been discussed before that many women don't like guys with massive cocks. There is such a thing as too big!

Don't assume all women are the same as the ones you seem to have met recently. You seem to be quite bitter and jaded about the female gender.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I don't think group play is the way to find one on one meets?

Have you tried actual just normal dating? Step back from all the sex and just get to know someone?

I couldn't really care about how good a guy is in bed, I'm more interested in who they are as a person and whether I click with them.

And that's me as a married woman only looking for fun!

It's also been discussed before that many women don't like guys with massive cocks. There is such a thing as too big!

Don't assume all women are the same as the ones you seem to have met recently. You seem to be quite bitter and

jaded about the female gender."

Try getting dumped because of a fake pregnancy from a girlfriend a whole continent away. And that's when you were a utter failure in love and relationships because you were made to feel a loser for being a nice respectful guy to females and not an asshat.

(sorry I'm a little d*unk at the moment, it's not a very nice night at the moment and I've had too much build up for too long.)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't think group play is the way to find one on one meets?

Have you tried actual just normal dating? Step back from all the sex and just get to know someone?

I couldn't really care about how good a guy is in bed, I'm more interested in who they are as a person and whether I click with them.

And that's me as a married woman only looking for fun!

It's also been discussed before that many women don't like guys with massive cocks. There is such a thing as too big!

Don't assume all women are the same as the ones you seem to have met recently. You seem to be quite bitter and

jaded about the female gender.

(sorry I'm a little d*unk at the moment, it's not a very nice night at the moment and I've had too much build up for too long.) "

You aren't a failure. They were being rubbish.

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By *itTVlondonTV/TS
over a year ago

London

The OP has issues beyond what is mentioned in his posting; I do not wish to elaborate since I do not wish to hurt/be understood etc.

When I read posts I read the subtext - never the text and my advice (in this case) is to get help - professional help to discuss this and other issues; in fact the issue the OP mentions here would be the least of my worries - sorry if harshly worded-I do not mean to hurt but will understand if you feel I'm being cagey.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The OP has issues beyond what is mentioned in his posting; I do not wish to elaborate since I do not wish to hurt/be understood etc.

No. I fully understand where you are coming from. I really do.

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By *enna76Couple
over a year ago

Cork

Couldn't have written it any better

OP: take it easy, give yourself some time to heal.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you're go to Vauxhall tomorrow night come chat to me about this, you're not damaged goods at all hun xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"If you're go to Vauxhall tomorrow night come chat to me about this, you're not damaged goods at all hun xx"

Been to Vauxhall plenty before. The guy in the white Russian hat remember?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you're go to Vauxhall tomorrow night come chat to me about this, you're not damaged goods at all hun xx

Been to Vauxhall plenty before. The guy in the white Russian hat remember?

Yep

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thanks for all the advice and support tonight. I admit I am not in the best mental state at the moment. If anyone still feels like adding on anything please feel free to do so. And for those whom this whole thread has wrecked my chances of meeting I'm sorry to disappoint your expectations.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thanks for all the advice and support tonight. I admit I am not in the best mental state at the moment. If anyone still feels like adding on anything please feel free to do so. And for those whom this whole thread has wrecked my chances of meeting I'm sorry to disappoint your expectations. "
you made more friends than enemies mate you'll be okay! Things can only get better

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By *orthen soul manMan
over a year ago

aberdeen

Get out of the group and go for one to one

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Man up and get over it.

well thats not going to help - hope you never feel the need to open your heart and ask for advice "

I have done and whilst most people don't understand it, I did get private mail from people who did and they thanked me for being vocal about something that they could not. To the op I say that you are not alone.

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