FabSwingers.com forum: Saying too much?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I always make this same mistake where, if a lady is kind enough to reply, I will waffle on and on. I go into everything, about my history, emotions..whatever. Then I realise I've said some dumb stuff so start re-explaining myself or worst of all, politely apologising. As my inbox is normally pretty slow I will latch onto that person and write to them before bed, anytime I am free, I will send a message if something pops into my head. To be point where it must just drain and overwhelm them.

I don't even like talking about myself. Then I ask too many questions and think they never know where to start?

Someone I really liked just said I was too extreme to even consider meeting because of my erratic behaviour.

It's fair enough but this happens over and over again. With everybody.

How do I control myself and maintain better composure?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just relax and chill! This isn't a dating site so most women aren't really interested in emotions or history. Just a really fun time.

Keep your messages brief but fun and a little flirty.

Good luck

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you.

The main thing is, I need to stop sending multiple replies to one message. Yet hate to keep people waiting around for my replies, when I enjoy chatting to them and get so excited by theirs. I just have to make it known to them!

How can I channel my OCD and resist my urge to be transparent?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you truly believe you're behaviour is obsessive without question try reading up on exposure and response prevention. It does sound that you're keen to please a potential meet by giving a quick but thorough reply. This in it's self isn't a bad thing however you may well be removing any mystique of passion and excitement therefore reducing your appeal to others.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Absolutely! I will certainly read into that later today. Thank you.

I also feel that my messages sometimes come across as too serious? Worsened of course, when I send multiple mails. I am not a serious guy at all. I enjoy things stress-free and no pressure. Everyone hates those cringe long essay messages but I can't stop myself doing it.

The nice lady whom prompted this, said herself that I seem all different when I'm "normal ish and chatty". The bummer there is that once I'd said too much and was finally being myself, she said no thanks lol. Had I just been able to contain myself better...I probably wouldn't be kicking myself...

On top of that, I find it really difficult to stay focused and chirpy when constantly being rejected, ignored or blocked. I get moody or down and can reflect it in my writing. All of which is totally unreasonable. Does anyone have ways of dealing with this? Should I maybe just avoid this altogether on those days?

Suppose if I deal with the root cause then it might work itself out. But any further advice is much appreciated.

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

Don't waffle on about emotions and stuff? Pretend you're talking in real life. Think what you'd say then type it into a message.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I always make this same mistake where, if a lady is kind enough to reply, I will waffle on and on. I go into everything, about my history, emotions..whatever. Then I realise I've said some dumb stuff so start re-explaining myself or worst of all, politely apologising. As my inbox is normally pretty slow I will latch onto that person and write to them before bed, anytime I am free, I will send a message if something pops into my head. To be point where it must just drain and overwhelm them.

I don't even like talking about myself. Then I ask too many questions and think they never know where to start?

Someone I really liked just said I was too extreme to even consider meeting because of my erratic behaviour.

It's fair enough but this happens over and over again. With everybody.

How do I control myself and maintain better composure?"

Do you do this in your real life relationships or is it just when you're approaching people here?

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By *et a roomCouple
over a year ago

Leeds

Anything too intense would put us off completely. If you seemed to be pouncing as soon as we logged on that would start to feel a bit stalkerish.

Set yourself a target to not reply to a message for at least an hour. That way you have time to edit and tone down your message.

Maybe you should try a conventional dating site if you are looking for more of a soulmate than a NSA encounter.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

it's a tricky one as I don't want to put you off messaging.

just take this as my point of view and not the whole site.....I've had someone message the way you describe and I felt mean blocking him but in the end I did as it got to much, to personal if that make sense?

how about keeping your messages short and snappy initially and maybe stop and think twice before pressing send ~ do I really need to tell them that.

hope that helps x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wear boxing gloves,very difficult to type wearing boxing gloves

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Wear boxing gloves,very difficult to type wearing boxing gloves"

In all honesty iv had guys get like this and it put me right off. Try logging off and going out into the real world for a bit? Dont let women think you are waiting online for them

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Maybe you should try a conventional dating site if you are looking for more of a soulmate than a NSA encounter. "

Thanks. I wouldn't say I want a soulmate at all? I have tried dating sites before and literally the same result on those. Worse if anything. Haven't overly enjoyed my experience on dating sites, after getting catfished and trolled by the local 'lad' group, on several occasions

"Do you do this in your real life relationships or is it just when you're approaching people here?"

Not AT ALL. I've not had a relationship in many years, as this problem has kept me single. I have done it over facebook long in the past which was.. eurhg. Probably where it started. In fact, in this recent debaucle, I began by offering her my number (which was probably not a smart move either). I wanted to ring her and talk to her properly as I knew it would only end up here. Really didn't want it to happen, this time.

"Don't waffle on about emotions and stuff? Pretend you're talking in real life. Think what you'd say then type it into a message. "

I try to. It's fine as long as they reply and the conversation flows naturally. But the minute I'm left alone or cant sleep, it gets out of hand. If they don't reply I start thinking I said the wrong thing so keep sending messages. It is such a shame as, like you say, in real life... I would never EVER say any of that stuff. I'm way too nervous and awkward to discuss any feelings really.

"In all honesty iv had guys get like this and it put me right off. Try logging off and going out into the real world for a bit? Dont let women think you are waiting online for them"

Thanks kaz. No doubt. I've had people act similarly toward me and also find it horribly off-putting. The nice lady said something along the lines of 'how can I feel these things, despite barely knowing her'. It's true, she's right. Though I think you don't always need a reasonable explanation for why someone makes you feel good? I spend plenty of time in the real world but with this in my pocket at all times, I get tempted to check my messages every hour or so.. Except maybe when at work or somewhere public. I just need some other way to occupy the time I spend writing these dumb messages..?

"how about keeping your messages short and snappy initially and maybe stop and think twice before pressing send ~ do I really need to tell them that."

I try. It normally works to start with, or if I'm busy. But the minute I get someone on my mind I seem to lose all self-control. Logical, sensible reasoning goes out the window. I will read into DarkVikings suggestion of exposure and response. Maybe that will help me there..

"Wear boxing gloves,very difficult to type wearing boxing gloves"

Sounds like a better investment than self-help books

Thank you all for not taking the opportunity to ridicule me. This has got me really down over the years. So any more suggestions are more than welcome.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sounds like you really need a girlfriend, get one of those. Then use this site as a bit of add on fun

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you but I do not want to hurt or cheat on anybody, as that's what screwed me up so bad in the first place. Will admit, I'm not experienced or really a swinger. I'd rather find a regular playmate and build my confidence up (which in turn would take the pressure off 'needing' someone) or indeed, something that could lead on to some form of relationship. Then perhaps explore fun together if we were still both interested.

Again, the nice lady in question seemed like the perfect catch as her profile even hints at such a scenario...and she is local enough for that to work. She said everything I needed to hear, without me even asking her. Just don't think I'm what she is looking for in the situation.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You're over-thinking. Not sure how you can stop that but on the internet it is easier to not look like you're doing it.

First thing i think is don't explain yourself further unless you are asked or are sure the other person took something the wrong way and need to clarify.

Over thinking is a good quality to have, so long as you're not neurotic with it. On the internet yeah you can have conversations, the beauty of it is you can delete or edit before you 'talk' (before you send your message in other words).

Conversations should be interactions, they are you responding to another person as they are to you. So try not to make the conversation all about your thoughts, i don't mean you are talking about yourself but that you are interacting with yourself by adding things to a conversation that have only come from you panicking. You've had conversations that flow, if you feel you aren't flowing any more then make up an excuse to end the conversation politely, say you'll chat later or whatever, then come offline. You can spoil what friendship you've built up if you don't.

Don't know how you keep yourself busy to stop you doing this. Maybe come in the forums to relax a bit as soon as you come online and then look at your messages?

Dunno if any of that will help? Just a few ideas i had anyway.

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By *o new WinksMan
over a year ago

BAE

Initial and further posts look long and dry. No smileys means its not fun so havent bothered reading any of it.

This may be a guide to whatever it is you are talking about.

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By *ngel_38Woman
over a year ago

Staffs

I don't even like talking about myself. Then I ask too many questions and think they never know where to start?

Someone I really liked just said I was too extreme to even consider meeting because of my erratic behaviour.

It's fair enough but this happens over and over again. With everybody.

How do I control myself and maintain better composure?"

Awwww bless

U can waffle to ME about anything

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By *oveSlutForUseCouple
over a year ago

Brighton

Emotions?

Hmm. This isn't a dating site.

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By *unwithus2.Couple
over a year ago

south kent

like the op said sit back chill flirt and be cheeky and don't take it to serious,

your making your self look like your desperate to get a friend or a couple, or to be laid, and you seem like you don't want to miss the Boat !!!!

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By *ngel_38Woman
over a year ago

Staffs

"Emotions?

Hmm. This isn't a dating site."

Leave him alone poor thing

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By *uzzy NavelWoman
over a year ago

so near and yet so far....

happy to chat and help xx

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By *unwithus2.Couple
over a year ago

south kent

"it's a tricky one as I don't want to put you off messaging.

how about keeping your messages short and snappy initially and maybe stop and think twice before pressing send ~ do I really need to tell them that.

hope that helps x"

when you feel the need to type a message wait a while , before you push the send button, but at the same time when you come back to it half an hour later re read it and think to your self, dose that person really need to know that, !!!!!!!, think of the green cross man,

stop look listen and if all safe push the send button,

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

do you have a wide range of friends and interests. if you havnt and spend a lot of time in front of the computer you may end up writing and explaining too much because there isn't anyone else to chat with

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Dunno if any of that will help? Just a few ideas i had anyway."

Thank you Irenic.. That has actually been an incredibly useful help for me. Particularly the comment about these forums. I have to agree. I've been off and on here, for several years but always stayed away from the forums. As I don't identify myself as a swinger, I felt I wouldn't be contributing in any way. Turns out it is a great place to come before hastily hopping to my inbox. Plus it's not full of kids like other forums or discussion boards, so that's pretty great

"Initial and further posts look long and dry. No smileys means its not fun so havent bothered reading any of it."

Contrary, I find smilies trashy and cheap looking. It always says to me that "I didn't read your message or think this through lol" but thanks. I do use them if it helps take the edge off something.

"Awwww bless. U can waffle to ME about anything"

How lovely. Inboxed you. Hah, careful what you wish for!

"your making your self look like your desperate to get a friend or a couple, or to be laid, and you seem like you don't want to miss the Boat !!!!

think of the green cross man, stop look listen and if all safe push the send button,"

Truth be told, I'm not desperate but that is what I want. I'm inexperienced, been single for 8 years. I feel lonely, isolated and overlooked with so much to give and no one to take. Every time I offer, I am swiftly declined. As I said to Ireneic, the forums seem to be a great place to come and just relax beforehand. Not sure why I didn't come here sooner. I will bare all this in mind too.

"happy to chat and help xx"

Thank you

I'll be in touch soon x also be careful what you wish for.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It takes balls to admit your faults and ask for advice, so hats off to you for that.

A few suggestions:

You're making Fab too much of a priority. You need other interests. Be busy and you won't have time to obsess over who is messaging you. Being too available is not an attractive trait.

You're over-investing. Spilling your guts to someone you barely know comes across as needy and desperate. This isn't a dating site so the focus is more physical than emotional.

You're measuring your self-worth by what others on here think of you. Someone blocked you? You're probably not their type. Stop reading too much into it and caring what other people think.

Realise that single guys on this site outweigh women and couples somewhere in the region of 300:1. The fact that you're getting replies suggests you are attracting attention. Keep doing what you're doing but relax, tone it down a bit, have fun and don't take it so seriously!

Hope that helps.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't want you to take this in the wrong way but do you have some form of autism or learning difficulties because many people in that situation tend to over analyse and behave in the way you're describing (not all I must point out) but if you are aware of a particular disorder then perhaps be upfront about that and it might make people more understanding of your behaviour rather than annoyed by it. Good luck xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Wear boxing gloves,very difficult to type wearing boxing gloves"

Also very difficult to wank wearing them

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I don't want you to take this in the wrong way but do you have some form of autism or learning difficulties because many people in that situation tend to over analyse and behave in the way you're describing (not all I must point out) but if you are aware of a particular disorder then perhaps be upfront about that and it might make people more understanding of your behaviour rather than annoyed by it. Good luck xxx"

Not a problem. I was never diagnosed with autism or anything but increasingly I wonder if something is up. New people who meet me have questioned it once they get to know me. An old friend with ADHD was convinced I had something similar up. To give some backstory, when my parents broke up I developed a nervous twitch so obviously suffered some trauma. Then later in my teens I went through severe depression/anxiety. Never got it diagnosed at the time but 5 years on I sort of realised, when watching TV, that at one point I was worse than the person they were reporting on.

I don't like to feel as though I'm wasting a professionals time, when there are people who need help far more than me. I count my blessing every day because I was lucky enough to survive meningitis b with all my limbs and motor functions in tact. However, common side effects in later years include a lot of brain related stuff so.. Perhaps over the years I have developed something. I just don't know how to explain all that to new people, in a few sentences.

"It takes balls to admit your faults and ask for advice, so hats off to you for that."

Thanks. I do spend a lot of time on here on my days off. I multi task a lot so tend to treat this almost like an IM app or something.

I just find that if I forget about it and leave it for a few days, everyone loses interest and I fall out of the loop. It's difficult to find the happy middle-ground. But thank you, I will work on it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Can you change the "friend zone" and "forever alone" aspects of your profile, even if you're joking there will be a small part of you that believes the negativity, try to think positively about yourself and others will do too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's a confidence thing. Stop talking. Start kissing. Start with her neck.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"It's a confidence thing. Stop talking. Start kissing. Start with her neck. "

Thanks but I'm not asking for sex tips. Perfectly adequate there m80. In fact, your reply implies I've even got to the meet stage.

"change the "friend zone" and "forever alone" aspects of your profile"

Take it with a pinch of salt. I'm a sarcastic cynical kind of guy. Left little choice. It'll all be different again in a few days.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would start by writing what you want to say to get it out of your system. Then read it before deleting the whole lot. Rewrite just the one or two bits which were most relevant or important or interesting.

This also works when writing potentially angry email replies!

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By *ifferent69Man
over a year ago

BRIGHTON, UK

"I always make this same mistake where, if a lady is kind enough to reply, I will waffle on and on. I go into everything, about my history, emotions..whatever. Then I realise I've said some dumb stuff so start re-explaining myself or worst of all, politely apologising. As my inbox is normally pretty slow I will latch onto that person 'and write to them before bed, anytime I am free, I will send a message if something pops into my head. To be point where it must just drain and overwhelm them.

I don't even like talking about myself. Then I ask too many questions and think they never know where to start?

Someone I really liked just said I was too extreme to even consider meeting because of my erratic behaviour.

It's fair enough but this happens over and over again. With everybody.

How do I control myself and maintain better composure?"
yes I can empathise with you a little here...

Well done for bringing this to the forum very honest of you.

Thoughtfull constructive replies to....

Some real genuine people on here.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I would start by writing what you want to say to get it out of your system. Then read it before deleting the whole lot. Rewrite just the one or two bits which were most relevant or important or interesting.

This also works when writing potentially angry email replies! "

You're so right. I remember I got to a stage where I was doing exactly that with nearly every message. To be honest, lots of personal stuff happened over christmas and suppose I sort of lost the discipline. Maybe I should revive that. I always do it when politely emailing my clients too

Thank you for that very important reminder! It's almost as if I've forgotten I was still talking to real people.

I must say, I am enjoying the forum a lot too. It has all the intellectual debate and humour that I need. Takes my mind of the "social" side of things and leaves me headroom to breathe and chillax. Not having to randomly dump it on some unfortunate individual.

Maybe there is hope for me yet...

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By *awty MaxWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

I am French so will try to make sense.

Just read bits of this threads...

Yes this is not a dating site although people use it as they wish. Not a dating site BUT people on here are humans (not just a screen) so they have feelings and emotions!

Now, some people are better than others at controlling their feelings and emotions.

From what you say this is a problem for you.

Try relaxing, when messaging don't send the message straight away. Leave it for a bit and read it again and question it. If you are happy that it's not too intense send.

Same with what comes to your mind. In France we have a saying... Roll your tongue 7 times in your mouth... Then think does that person needs that info at this point in time.

And keep your messages and sentences short. It does avoid saying too much of the stuff you don't want to say.

With my English I do that all the time... Short and sweet... apart from this one post lol

Good luck and enjoy Fab

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Glad i helped you.

I do the same thing myself, but because i come here a lot (pretty much every day) i have built up a rapport with a few people via my inbox who accept me for who i am and i can chat with them as soon as i come online, you'll find similar i'm sure.

Although if it's true that males get less messages then it might take longer.

I don't actually think what you have would be a problem if you were doing other tasks at the same time, i'm often chatting to more than one person at a time, or doing other tasks while chatting. I do think having a fast brain that needs a lot of stimulus can be a good thing, but it's finding ways to put it to it's best use that can be the problem. I use my laptop and have plenty tabs open here haha.

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By *ackspopCouple
over a year ago

Wymondham

"Absolutely! I will certainly read into that later today. Thank you.

Suppose if I deal with the root cause then it might work itself out. But any further advice is much appreciated."

Oh OP, I see what you did there

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I am French so will try to make sense."

Thanks _awty max. You made perfect sense to me

great photos too btw.

"Although if it's true that males get less messages then it might take longer."

Haha. I've come and gone here for several years. Had one lone meet in like 7 years. Yup.

"Oh OP, I see what you did there

*whoosh* That went right over my head, sorry.

Anyway guys. Thanks for the help.

I've decided I'm gonna stay til the end of the weekend and if I still feel shit I'm gonna leave, again. For a while. I will be back, we always come back here. Just, as it stands, I'm too into that one girl. No one else in the immediate area compares, for me. I've hardly messaged anyone but her recently, she's the only person I want to meet and it's just hurting me too much being ignored this way, as always.

But when I eventually cave and do return... I will be changed

Thanks everybody x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just, as it stands, I'm too into that one girl. No one else in the immediate area compares, for me. I've hardly messaged anyone but her recently, she's the only person I want to meet and it's just hurting me too much being ignored this way, as always. But when I eventually cave and do return... I will be changed."

Google "abundance mentality".

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

That's me alright haha

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Still took me forever to work out how to sort my inbox on here though, lol.

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