FabSwingers.com forum: How to dom/sub

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I was writing a long winded post about how I don't get the whole dom/sub thing, however I realised that I need to try it before I slate it with misconceptions.

I'd say in R/L I'm a more dominant personality, however the idea of sub intrigues me.

I can't really be dom in the bedroom, unless I've had a few drinks, where I just go with ....this is what I want, and I want it now...

It's something my partner and I have rarely tried. I had a little bit of a dabble with a partner a few years back who was a fair bit older than me, so we fell into those roles more naturally. I did enjoy it, but I wouldn't know how to work it with my partner now. We're equals in our relationship and I generally feel awkward when playing dom in the b/room, and worried I would just feel used and abused by the one I love if I were to play sub.

So my question is, what do people like best about it? How did you get into it? And what advice would you have for getting into the dom/sub thing?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Go with the flow. There are no hard and fast rules, but you do need to have trust and the upmost respect for each other. Start slowly maybe a bit of light bondage, introduce a safe word. This will enable you and your OH to push your limits safely. As you get more daring you will see your confidence and trust in each other grow, allowing you to adopt your roles in the D/s relationship.

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By *atasha_DavidCouple
over a year ago

Slough

If your role playing then at best your topping/bottoming. Nothing wrong with that but it is not D/s which comes from within and is there all the time.

If you don't get it, you don't get it.

Just except it is not for you and do whatever is, leaving those that do to do what they enjoy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you don't get it, you don't get it.

Just except it is not for you and do whatever is, leaving those that do to do what they enjoy."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I completely agree..

I almost regard it as a sexual orientation in a way. You either are or you arent! I am submissive. Not much I can do to change it even if I wanted to. I am not turned on being Dom. It does nothing for me.

We are all different...but submission is a state of mind and not just a sexual act so I can't just 'pretend' at it. It also has a romantic element for me...akin to giving yourself completely to someone.

If you google the term 'collaring' in a BDSM / D/s context, you will often read it being compared to a wedding ring / ceremony......

So its about power exchange but so many other elements that are different for each person. ...but should only be undertaken with a lot of communication, TRUST, and in an ideal world....love.

Don't try to force yourself into liking something that you simply don't feel comfortable about....

Be your happy lovely selves and enjoy sex in the way that you both WANT to!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My advice for getting into the Dom/Sub thing is don't, you say you feel awkward when playing at it in the Bedroom which means you are not totally relaxed, Being a Dominant or Submissive is a lifestyle choice that takes commitment and trust and not to be taken lightly

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think what you CAN do, should you wish, is to explore sensations of touch and allowing the other person to 'lead'....maybe to restrain in a playful way so you or they can experience that feeling of letting go...just experiment rather than worry about the deeper stuff.....its what I call the 'pink furry handcuffs' version! Lol....it doesnt have to be serious and so intense....you ARE allowed to play!

As long as you are aware that it is a million miles away from a true D/s relationship.....which is, as mentioned before, a lifestyle choice...and a mindset that is within you....you just know.... its when you meet someone and they knowingly or unknowingly do or say something that just presses a button in you..and you can't help it! Theres no 'thinking' to be done! It just is!

For me...it is about who I am..I am submissive.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You sound like you have dabbled and want to dabble further, well go for it. I am dumbfounded as to why some members sound like they want to put you off.

BDSM can be a lifestyle but it can be something just reserved for the proverbial bedroom.

You say you have a dominant personality in real life, well that is pretty common for (sexual) submissives. It is wrong to assume that submissives have no form of control in their lives, and in fact the sub has ultimate control. You lend control over to the Dom(me) and can reclaim that at any time, normally in the form of a safe word.

Others have stressed that trust and communication have the utmost importance. This is because there is an element of danger due to the fact pain can be involved and control over the mind.

You may find role play is a way of overcoming initial awkwardness you're presently experiencing because of your relationship dynamics.

You may also find that switching is good for you and your partner (you then take turns in being sub and Dom(me).

Have fun

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

... its when you meet someone and they knowingly or unknowingly do or say something that just presses a button in you..and you can't help it! Theres no 'thinking' to be done! It just is!

I have experienced this, but it does take a special connection. So those meets who tell me I'm not sub... pfffffttt, they just aren't special

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You sound like you have dabbled and want to dabble further, well go for it. I am dumbfounded as to why some members sound like they want to put you off.

BDSM can be a lifestyle but it can be something just reserved for the proverbial bedroom.

Others have stressed that trust and communication have the utmost importance. This is because there is an element of danger due to the fact pain can be involved and control over the mind.

You may find role play is a way of overcoming initial awkwardness you're presently experiencing because of your relationship dynamics.

You may also find that switching is good for you and your partner (you then take turns in being sub and Dom(me).

Have fun

Not for one second do I wish to put anyone off trying anything. Quite the contrary! I only make the point that it IS a lifestyle and a mindset..and so for many..it isnt simply play...but a much deeper connection which can be beautiful! But I have suggested ways in which to explore this dynamic in a fun and safe way first...but I do feel that it isnt something you can force if you dont feel it. Having fun, being relaxed and doing what feels right to you is the most important thing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you don't get it, you don't get it.

Just except it is not for you and do whatever is, leaving those that do to do what they enjoy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

However you want to indulge in BDSM or Domme/Sub is up to you. We were discussing this the other night with a similar couple and it doesn't have to be 24/7: it can be in a relationship where it can be engaged where and when one wishes. It isn't our lifestyle, more a facet of our love life but it is so much more than role play. Equally we don't need it all the time but recognise there are those that do

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Kitten you posted whilst I was mid composition. My post holds no implication towards yours

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sub = get on all 4's and brace yourself.

Dom = spit and shove

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you don't get it, you don't get it.

Just except it is not for you and do whatever is, leaving those that do to do what they enjoy.

Shame there isn't downward thumb

This smacks to me as though those in a lifestyle D/s relationship do not want those experimenting, joining their club. Absolute twaddle.

The thing is, there are no rule books governing relationships and that includes both vanilla and BDSM relationships, and EVERYTHING in between. Each couple simply finds out what works for them. The only thing one has to abide by is societal law.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Kitten you posted whilst I was mid composition. My post holds no implication towards yours

No worries gorgeous. ...I would hate to think anyone would be put off experimenting and playing...just as long as they are happy and relaxed doing it. I just feel that the '50 shades of grey' has given people a very wrong and misunderstood impression of what can be the most beautiful dynamic.....and placed pressure on people to feel they MUST try things because it is somehow cool now..such a nonsense book!

Best book is still 'Story of O'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would encourage people to try whatever they feel happy to! Enjoy it! Take from it what you wish....and leave the rest..

Play...learn....love.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We both hate role play, but not into the whole 'lifestyle' thing either. Also our dynamic changes from time to time as to who is more sexually dominant.

Works for us to take it in turns to take control in the knowledge that whatever we dish out might be repaid sometime soon.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I agree the " book" gave the wrong impression, it also uplifted wannabes too.

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By *istress v in yorksCouple
over a year ago

south Yorkshire

Feel free to message me x but if you're 'role playing' at it then it's just playing at it and you can always tell a real Dom/me or someone role playing x You're born dominiant or submissive. Or...just not into BDSM

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Feel free to message me x but if you're 'role playing' at it then it's just playing at it and you can always tell a real Dom/me or someone role playing x You're born dominiant or submissive. Or...just not into BDSM "

I am afraid folks...that I agree ! Its FINE to play! Have fun! Enjoy....but there is a difference...between that and D/s & BDSM. I was born sub. Its an inner craving. A need. Its just how it is!

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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge

"I was writing a long winded post about how I don't get the whole dom/sub thing, however I realised that I need to try it before I slate it with misconceptions.

I'd say in R/L I'm a more dominant personality, however the idea of sub intrigues me.

I can't really be dom in the bedroom, unless I've had a few drinks, where I just go with ....this is what I want, and I want it now...

So my question is, what do people like best about it? How did you get into it? And what advice would you have for getting into the dom/sub thing?

"
may be take a trip to M.A.R.S. at mossley got to one of their fetish/s&m events and learn a bit of what its all about nothing ventured and all that at worst you would have a night out with friendly fun people

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am sure you will definitely have a fun night out...so enjoy!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 20/12/13 17:48:14]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"We both hate role play, but not into the whole 'lifestyle' thing either. Also our dynamic changes from time to time as to who is more sexually dominant.

Works for us to take it in turns to take control in the knowledge that whatever we dish out might be repaid sometime soon."

We don't switch per se but like your viewpoint

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By *teveanddebsCouple
over a year ago

Norwich

Oh dear, The Twue Dom(me)s are out in force.

It's quite possible to to just enjoy Dom/sub play without having to go 24/7.

The people to whom it is play probably outnumber the lifestylers by a considerable amount.

Now where did I put those Dom Tox pills and the catapult?

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By *indys loverCouple
over a year ago

Stratford on avon

We are part time D/s , its fair to say that Mindy is a fairly domminant person in every day life but when ever I 'necklace' her she knows that she has to do as I say , we have had a lot of memorable times and still growing in to our new lifestyle ,,,,, although she says im not dominant for her yet

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Oh dear, The Twue Dom(me)s are out in force.

It's quite possible to to just enjoy Dom/sub play without having to go 24/7.

The people to whom it is play probably outnumber the lifestylers by a considerable amount.

Now where did I put those Dom Tox pills and the catapult?

Its not a judgement. Of course its possible to not go at it 24/7. Its possible to do anything! I have personally said repeatedly that I actively encourage and support people to do whatever they enjoy...BUT it IS also a lifestyle for a great deal more people than you realise. My point isnt so much about 24/7 but about the deeper element of being naturally submissive or Dominant. ...and all it entails. I am a great believer in encouraging people to explore their sexuality to the full in a safe and consensual way that is fun and pleasurable to all.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

To suggest that one is born as either submissive or dominant is to suggest these are innate personalities. Your personality grows due to two factors: nature (biology) and nurture (the changing environment and socialisation processes you go through). To me this fact suggests you evolve into sexual and lifestyle practices.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"To suggest that one is born as either submissive or dominant is to suggest these are innate personalities. Your personality grows due to two factors: nature (biology) and nurture (the changing environment and socialisation processes you go through). To me this fact suggests you evolve into sexual and lifestyle practices."

Its an interesting topic I admit. I can only tell you from my personal experience and from what others have shared with me over the years..

I cannot recall a time when I was not sexually aroused by a Dominant man.....it manifested itself in different guises in the early years which I didnt understand then but when I went to my first fetish club at 22years old, it was like an awakening....it just felt right to me. I had always thought I was odd to feel that way so kept it secret...but then met A LOT of people just the same....and I learnt it is just who I am. Never been different.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Or you just have fun trying stuff regardless of what others preach. I like fucking to be fun.

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By *uietlykinkymeWoman
over a year ago

kinky land

"If your role playing then at best your topping/bottoming. Nothing wrong with that but it is not D/s which comes from within and is there all the time.

If you don't get it, you don't get it.

Just except it is not for you and do whatever is, leaving those that do to do what they enjoy."

Nail hits head square

. (from my personal point of view)

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By *he Ring WraithMan
over a year ago

Bradford

I am a switch, I enjoy submission and I enjoy dominance, which I prefer I have no idea.

its all about who I am with, the time, the place and the circumstances for me.

I am not 24/7 either dom or sub, in fact I would say I am 80% vanilla; 10% dom, 10% sub and that's due to life not my preference.

try it, enjoy it and try more - or try it dislike it and leave it.

just have fun whatever you do !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If your role playing then at best your topping/bottoming. Nothing wrong with that but it is not D/s which comes from within and is there all the time.

If you don't get it, you don't get it.

Just except it is not for you and do whatever is, leaving those that do to do what they enjoy."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Or you just have fun trying stuff regardless of what others preach. I like fucking to be fun."

Oh it IS fun! Trust me!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Or you just have fun trying stuff regardless of what others preach. I like fucking to be fun.

Oh it IS fun! Trust me!

I do

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By *teveanddebsCouple
over a year ago

Norwich

"Oh dear, The Twue Dom(me)s are out in force.

It's quite possible to to just enjoy Dom/sub play without having to go 24/7.

The people to whom it is play probably outnumber the lifestylers by a considerable amount.

Now where did I put those Dom Tox pills and the catapult?

But you did say that just playing wasn't bdsm and that is not the case. There are loads of non-lifestylers that enjoy bdsm, it's a very broad church.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think this is a topic that we may have to agree to disagree..

But happy Christmas everyone! !!

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I think if you get bogged down in the rights and wrongs of definitions you lose the joy and pleasure of sex. Do what feels good and right, put whatever label you want on it and enjoy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think if you get bogged down in the rights and wrongs of definitions you lose the joy and pleasure of sex. Do what feels good and right, put whatever label you want on it and enjoy

I absolutely agree...but I think some have lost the point in what myself and others are trying to convey. Its not a judgement .....but it is about understanding a particular dynamic that IS more than just sex....

I have tried to explain but failed somehow.....

But whatever people do.....enjoyment of that is OF COURSE the most important thing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

But I have very much enjoyed the discussion. .always good to hear peoples views which I respect even if I don't agree so thankyou to the OP for starting the thread x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How interesting great post and very informative.

I think people get confused when trying to distinguish a dom/sub relationship. I can only speak from my own point of view. It makes me smile when you get people saying things like I want big dom bull to cum fuck me or treat me like a slutty sub. I think what they really want is rough sex which for me is totally different from dom/sub. Rough sex brilliant no problems with it but that is what it is. don't call it something else.

The pleasure I get is not from the act itself but being able to direct that act, making it happen. It takes weeks or months to have a real sub/dom relationship. It requires time to nuture to reach the heights of a true d/s relationship. The sub needs to know that what she is doing she is doing because the dom desires it. and in turn that the subs desires it as well. Its very complex.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It is indeed very complex and therefore with the right person....highly intense and pleasurable.....

Its the most intense love affair.....

......or can be..... (for me anyway....x)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If your role playing then at best your topping/bottoming. Nothing wrong with that but it is not D/s which comes from within and is there all the time.

If you don't get it, you don't get it.

Just except it is not for you and do whatever is, leaving those that do to do what they enjoy."

Very well put. Totally agree

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My advice for getting into the Dom/Sub thing is don't, you say you feel awkward when playing at it in the Bedroom which means you are not totally relaxed, Being a Dominant or Submissive is a lifestyle choice that takes commitment and trust and not to be taken lightly"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"How interesting great post and very informative.

Well put

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well at least some people understand! THANK YOU! XXX

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By *octor DeleriumMan
over a year ago

Wellingborough

So my question is, what do people like best about it? How did you get into it? And what advice would you have for getting into the dom/sub thing?

'Vanilla' sex is great but add in the bdsm and that puts the smile on my face, the following day, as I walk down the high street looking at all of the grey people who have no idea what they are missing out on.

Submission is passing total control to your partner; that's why communication and feedback is so important, and why you need trust, and sanity, in that partner to ensure they don't cross your limits and maintain your safety at all times.

You then get to enjoy all of those filthy, dirty and 'perverted' things that have been lurking in your consciousness, often for years, and frequently going back to childhood thoughts and fantasies.

My descent into depravity began when I read 'Those About to Die', a history of the Roman Empire and Colosseum, 'The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich' and 'New Approaches to Sex in Marriage' when I was six and it was perfectly acceptable to leave your children at home on a Sunday afternoon. I read the 'Story of O' at twelve, and it was free fall from that point on.

An interest in photography, certainly helped and connections with publishers, innovators and models.

In my experience, those with a serious interest in bdsm are usually very intelligent and stay friends for life, even if they have moved on to more permanent relationships; I'm off to stay with such a friend from several years ago, for Christmas.

I play with very few individuals, maybe one every year as I'm very selective; I've also tended to attract true masochists over the past few years and the level of arousal that can be generated from careful application of pain and, or, restraint can be spectacular.

Fluffy hand cuffs, calling someone 'Master', 'Sir' or 'Admiral' don't work for me; it's a mind game, imagination, a gesture, an instruction or, simply, a look is all it takes.

Very Bad Santa

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

YES ! YOU GET IT!

Similar journey for me....reading first....it just pressed a button I didnt know I had. ....very very young at the time and didnt understand what it meant so said nothing. .

Then I met a much older man when I was aged 22.....and suddenly it all made sense.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So my question is, what do people like best about it? How did you get into it? And what advice would you have for getting into the dom/sub thing?

You then get to enjoy all of those filthy, dirty and 'perverted' things that have been lurking in your consciousness, often for years, and frequently going back to childhood thoughts and fantasies.

An interest in photography, certainly helped and connections with publishers, innovators and models.

Fluffy hand cuffs, calling someone 'Master', 'Sir' or 'Admiral' don't work for me; it's a mind game, imagination, a gesture, an instruction or, simply, a look is all it takes.

Very Bad Santa

Another very well put answer.The delicious balance of pain and pleasure and the amazing feeling when off to sub space is wonderful

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

So my question is, what do people like best about it? How did you get into it? And what advice would you have for getting into the dom/sub thing?

I do think that attitude is what makes people like me wary of asking for advice.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I think if you get bogged down in the rights and wrongs of definitions you lose the joy and pleasure of sex. Do what feels good and right, put whatever label you want on it and enjoy

I have tried to explain but failed somehow.....

But whatever people do.....enjoyment of that is OF COURSE the most important thing

But how do you know that people who enjoy "vanilla" sex/relationships don't have a different dynamic that is just as powerful and isn't JUST sex but that you don't get? BDSM sex or relationships aren't superior, just different. (not agressively meant just putting my view across

)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So my question is, what do people like best about it? How did you get into it? And what advice would you have for getting into the dom/sub thing?

The

I do think that attitude is what makes people like me wary of asking for advice. "

??? What attitude??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So my question is, what do people like best about it? How did you get into it? And what advice would you have for getting into the dom/sub thing?

I do think that attitude is what makes people like me wary of asking for advice. "

I think that is so sad that you feel that way and I am quite certain that it wasnt intended that way....

Ask whatever you wish to...we are all here to learn and share our experiences. ....even if they are different. Please dont feel wary...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Unfortunately some wannabes believe it is all about the desires of the Dom(me) and obedience or dare I say doormat behaviour.

I have only ever had one guy that flicked "my switch" and I wasn't even aware until he pointed out that my behaviour became submissive naturally (says the naturally very feisty Cupcake).

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think if you get bogged down in the rights and wrongs of definitions you lose the joy and pleasure of sex. Do what feels good and right, put whatever label you want on it and enjoy

I have tried to explain but failed somehow.....

But whatever people do.....enjoyment of that is OF COURSE the most important thing

It isnt meant as a comparison....or a competition sweetie. ...

I dont think anyone is trying to say (or at least not me) that BDSM is superior. ...but it is a DIFFERENT connection and thats all. So we agree!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So my question is, what do people like best about it? How did you get into it? And what advice would you have for getting into the dom/sub thing?

I do think that attitude is what makes people like me wary of asking for advice. "

I can understand both of your points of view. After-all a weekend with my (vanilla) Ex had me feeling the same so I know it's not BDSM that gives the after-glow, it's any intense sexual experience.

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By *histler21Man
over a year ago

Ipswich

I've been told that the sub has the 'power' in a master/sub arrangement. Maybe I'm too vanilla to understand - but can someone try to...?

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

What amazes me I think is that everyone seems to describe ending up 'going' to the same kind of place with this, one of BDSM , or what I refer to on my profile as 'kinky sluttery' which does not interest me at all.

And yet to my mind there is a much broader subject with regard to the sexual dynamic between two people and the exact balance of lead/follow between them and where they go with that. Sorry I don't feel free to describe, but I would be interested if the discussion expanded.

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

To me it's a dance between those involved, taking fractionation to the subs limit to create a different level of euphoria.

And that can only be done with an awareness of the subs state and total trust.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Absolutely. ...some of it goes where some feel uncomfortable though. ...but it is out there for those that feel drawn to it..and many do!!!!

So beyond BDSM...it maybe the "takeninhand" dynamic.....or 'surrenderedwives' etc....

Or 'domesticdiscipline'...'Head of household' relationships

These extend beyond the bedroom into the wider context of the relationship. ...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I've been told that the sub has the 'power' in a master/sub arrangement. Maybe I'm too vanilla to understand - but can someone try to...?"

You are right.....the sub DOES in the sense that he/she has consented.....

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

I can understand both of your points of view. After-all a weekend with my (vanilla) Ex had me feeling the same so I know it's not BDSM that gives the after-glow, it's any intense sexual experience."

Yes, that's partly the point I was making - the intensity can occur in many ways.

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By *histler21Man
over a year ago

Ipswich

"I've been told that the sub has the 'power' in a master/sub arrangement. Maybe I'm too vanilla to understand - but can someone try to...?

You are right.....the sub DOES in the sense that he/she has consented....."

Is that it?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I often like to describe , as others do...that submission is a gift that one gives to he/she who has earnt it.....most deserving etc....much like who you choose to give your heart and love too....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I've been told that the sub has the 'power' in a master/sub arrangement. Maybe I'm too vanilla to understand - but can someone try to...?

You are right.....the sub DOES in the sense that he/she has consented.....

Is that it?"

Well obviously there is more to it than that....but in essence you are giving someone permission.....how they exercise that 'power' will of course be different in each relationship with agreed limits, safewords etc... There is no singular way....which is the beauty of it!

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By *histler21Man
over a year ago

Ipswich

"I've been told that the sub has the 'power' in a master/sub arrangement. Maybe I'm too vanilla to understand - but can someone try to...?

You are right.....the sub DOES in the sense that he/she has consented.....

Is that it?

Maybe this is why I have trouble understanding something whose definition changes between relationships. I have met someone a couple of time who said she was a sub - and that she entered a 'sub zone' state. Was that good for her?

S&M seems so much easier to define than this master/dom-sub thing.

I guess you are either a master/dom or you ain't...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Absolutely. ...some of it goes where some feel uncomfortable though. ...but it is out there for those that feel drawn to it..and many do!!!!

So beyond BDSM...it maybe the "takeninhand" dynamic.....or 'surrenderedwives' etc....

Or 'domesticdiscipline'...'Head of household' relationships

These extend beyond the bedroom into the wider context of the relationship. ...

These are power exchange relationships......

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I've been told that the sub has the 'power' in a master/sub arrangement. Maybe I'm too vanilla to understand - but can someone try to...?

You are right.....the sub DOES in the sense that he/she has consented.....

Is that it?

S&M seems so much easier to define than this master/dom-sub thing.

I guess you are either a master/dom or you ain't..."

Lol.....well. ...personally I think its true....its something that to a large extent is within you....think of it like anything you enjoy..a passion where you feel its 'you'....you just feel natural doing it....playing a musical instrument.....sure you can have lessons but for some people there is an inherent 'feel' for the music.......

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I've been told that the sub has the 'power' in a master/sub arrangement. Maybe I'm too vanilla to understand - but can someone try to...?

You are right.....the sub DOES in the sense that he/she has consented.....

Is that it?

S&M seems so much easier to define than this master/dom-sub thing.

I guess you are either a master/dom or you ain't..."

I view it as lending control, with the ability to take back that control at any given moment (or aspects of it).

BDSM -

bd - bondage and discipline

ds - domination and submission

sm - sadism and masochism (likes to receive/give pain respectively).

BDSM is the umbrella term for all these aspects.

Many people dabble without knowing the labels

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

So my question is, what do people like best about it? How did you get into it? And what advice would you have for getting into the dom/sub thing?

The

I do think that attitude is what makes people like me wary of asking for advice.

??? What attitude??"

that gery people have ni idea what they are missing out on because they are not in sub/dom relationships.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

*grey and no

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I've been told that the sub has the 'power' in a master/sub arrangement. Maybe I'm too vanilla to understand - but can someone try to...?

You are right.....the sub DOES in the sense that he/she has consented.....

Is that it?

S&M seems so much easier to define than this master/dom-sub thing.

I guess you are either a master/dom or you ain't...

I view it as lending control, with the ability to take back that control at any given moment (or aspects of it).

BDSM -

bd - bondage and discipline

ds - domination and submission

sm - sadism and masochism (likes to receive/give pain respectively).

BDSM is the umbrella term for all these aspects.

Many people dabble without knowing the labels

Yes you are right. I like your description too...it is a "lending' of control...until they outdo their welcome! !!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So my question is, what do people like best about it? How did you get into it? And what advice would you have for getting into the dom/sub thing?

The

I do think that attitude is what makes people like me wary of asking for advice.

??? What attitude??

that gery people have ni idea what they are missing out on because they are not in sub/dom relationships.

Lol! !! I wouldnt take that to heart! I dont regard anyone as 'grey'!!! Lol....except my old maths teacher maybe!

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By *teveanddebsCouple
over a year ago

Norwich

Sub-space? that can happen in casual play as well as with a long term partner although it's not so usual.

A euphoric state cause by the body producing endorphins. It can be a reaction to pain, fear, excercise or any number of stimuli. You need to take care when the sub comes down off the endorphin high because it can be followed by sub-drop (sometimes called subbie-flu because of the flu like symptoms) which is why aftercare is important.

TBH the best place to find out about these things is to join a dedicated BDSM site.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sub-space? that can happen in casual play as well as with a long term partner although it's not so usual.

TBH the best place to find out about these things is to join a dedicated BDSM site."

I only experienced sub drop once...horrendous! Wondered what was wrong with me until a friend explained. Unfortunately I got into a relationship too intense with someone who didn't understand. ...but I learnt that lesson!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sub-space? that can happen in casual play as well as with a long term partner although it's not so usual.

TBH the best place to find out about these things is to join a dedicated BDSM site."

Sub space is amazing and you are so right in mentioning the after care, sub drop can be really horrible

Luckily my Doms know just what to do

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sub-space? that can happen in casual play as well as with a long term partner although it's not so usual.

TBH the best place to find out about these things is to join a dedicated BDSM site.

Sub space is amazing and you are so right in mentioning the after care, sub drop can be really horrible

Luckily my Doms know just what to do

You are very lucky to have him then .Too many simply abandon without thought.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sub-space? that can happen in casual play as well as with a long term partner although it's not so usual.

TBH the best place to find out about these things is to join a dedicated BDSM site.

Sub space is amazing and you are so right in mentioning the after care, sub drop can be really horrible

Luckily my Doms know just what to do

You are very lucky to have him then .Too many simply abandon without thought. "

Yes I'm very lucky and they make sure I remember that lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sub-space? that can happen in casual play as well as with a long term partner although it's not so usual.

TBH the best place to find out about these things is to join a dedicated BDSM site.

Sub space is amazing and you are so right in mentioning the after care, sub drop can be really horrible

Luckily my Doms know just what to do

You are very lucky to have him then .Too many simply abandon without thought.

Yes I'm very lucky and they make sure I remember that lol

That's funny! But sounds like you have fun! I am jealous! Lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sub-space? that can happen in casual play as well as with a long term partner although it's not so usual.

TBH the best place to find out about these things is to join a dedicated BDSM site.

Sub space is amazing and you are so right in mentioning the after care, sub drop can be really horrible

Luckily my Doms know just what to do

You are very lucky to have him then .Too many simply abandon without thought.

Yes I'm very lucky and they make sure I remember that lol

That's funny! But sounds like you have fun! I am jealous! Lol"

Having the most amazing time, i know it's not for everyone but I adore it x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sub-space? that can happen in casual play as well as with a long term partner although it's not so usual.

TBH the best place to find out about these things is to join a dedicated BDSM site.

Sub space is amazing and you are so right in mentioning the after care, sub drop can be really horrible

Luckily my Doms know just what to do

You are very lucky to have him then .Too many simply abandon without thought.

Yes I'm very lucky and they make sure I remember that lol

That's funny! But sounds like you have fun! I am jealous! Lol

Having the most amazing time, i know it's not for everyone but I adore it x"

I would be happy to have one! You have more! Sigh!

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By *teveanddebsCouple
over a year ago

Norwich

Treat as for shock, WRAF = Warmth, Rest & reassurance And Fluids.

And lots of cuddles

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Treat as for shock, WRAF = Warmth, Rest & reassurance And Fluids.

And lots of cuddles

Yep.....did that. A long time ago now but not nice as he just upped and left! The only time I wished I was Dom...revenge!

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By *octor DeleriumMan
over a year ago

Wellingborough

I do think that attitude is what makes people like me wary of asking for advice.

??? What attitude??

that gery people have ni idea what they are missing out on because they are not in sub/dom relationships.

No, it's that there is so much more to explore than just straight sex.

Later posters have brought in the endorphin rush, sub drop and the absolute need for aftercare; it's a different dynamic to a relationship that makes it so interesting.

I'm sure that there are lots of women who have read the truly awful '50 Shades' and have considered experimentation but are fearful of bringing it up with their partner, or find that their partner has no interest. It's rather like anal sex; possibly the most intimate form of sex, but some are put off by a fear that it's going to be dirty or it will hurt, or they have had a previous bad experience.

With regard to advice, there are lots of books on bdsm and some excellent erotic literature that include it; and I never fail to answer a question in a message.

Finally, returning to '50 Shades', if you want to spend a couple of hours laughing out loud, I'll send you a link to a vivisection of the book; just don't have anything in your mouth when you're reading it as you may choke, inhale or snort.

Very Bad Santa

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I do think that attitude is what makes people like me wary of asking for advice.

??? What attitude??

that gery people have ni idea what they are missing out on because they are not in sub/dom relationships.

No, it's that there is so much more to explore than just straight sex.

Later posters have brought in the endorphin rush, sub drop and the absolute need for aftercare; it's a different dynamic to a relationship that makes it so interesting.

With regard to advice, there are lots of books on bdsm and some excellent erotic literature that include it; and I never fail to answer a question in a message.

Very Bad Santa

It's the only bits I've read... I did so chuckle.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh dont get me started on THAT book!

its certainly a comedy! About all I can say!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's the 'wannabe' accusation I don't understand, like if people don't talk/dress/behave in a way that suits they're not adequate.

And maybe I'm wrong but I'd have thought with the original question coming from somebody tentative about trying things out some of this stuff sounds pretty overwhelming.

I haven't read fifty shades, but I read Story of O at a young age and have read a mountain of filth since. It hasn't made me want to get piercings or brandings, I've never tried to join a secret society, but I like the odd tie up session and an occasional spanking and all sorts of other kinks. But if somebody else has read fifty shades and then fancies trying their own bit of kink - what's the issue?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's the 'wannabe' accusation I don't understand, like if people don't talk/dress/behave in a way that suits they're not adequate.

And maybe I'm wrong but I'd have thought with the original question coming from somebody tentative about trying things out some of this stuff sounds pretty overwhelming.

I gave up reading a few posts in. I hate the elitist attitude, no matter which group it's coming from.

If someone wants to tie and tease then good for them. Why some people feel the need to belittle them just because they aren't into being 'whipped to the verge of unconsciousness' etc, I'll never know.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am sincerely sad that you feel anyone tried to belitttle you....it certainly was not my intention.

I have tried many times in this thread to convey my feeling that this is not about saying any dynamic is better or worse than any other. I cannot comment on others contributions. But I merely tried to express my own personal feelings based on 25 years of experience and that of others who share a similar love.

I am all for everyone enjoying themselves in whatever they do ....as long as it is safe and consensual....but I am afraid that I do feel the dynamic I feel when playing lightly in a tie and tease way...is incomparable to that which I have experienced in a D/s relationship and it is only that which I tried to explain.

I apoligise to anyone to feels belittled or that this thread was elitist in any way.....I am the total opposite as a person and would actively welcome anyone who genuinely wanted to experience this dynamic but it shouldn't be taken lightly but treated with safety and care...both for the physical as well as mental health of all.

One might say that goes for ALL sexual practice which of course it is.....but anyone with experience of this dynamic will appreciate the added and very intense dynamic outside of the bedroom. This is not meant to sound elitist at all and I don't know why anyone should see it that way. It is there for all to try if they wish! But like everything. ...it isnt for everyone and thats FINE!

So please....accept my apology if anyone has misunderstood the messages conveyed. I only ever express with good intentions.

Merry Christmas everyone!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

By the way...being whipped etc..is S&M which I am personally not into at all but each to their own! X

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By *onnie and JohnCouple
over a year ago

WILTSHIRE

hi op.. why not meet us ? will make you feel safe.and leave with an all over tan lol .connie

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I am sincerely sad that you feel anyone tried to belitttle you....it certainly was not my intention.

So please....accept my apology if anyone has misunderstood the messages conveyed. I only ever express with good intentions.

Merry Christmas everyone!

I liked your posts, I didn't mean you. Apologies if you thought I did. x

I also understand why some people get serious as it is a serious subject and people can get hurt if they don't know what they are doing. Perhaps that's their posts' intention, and not trying to be elitist at all. In which case I apologise to them too x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Awwww all friends again! !! The Christmas fairy is about! X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Who's the fairy?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Who's the fairy?"

Haven't decided yet! Any volunteers?

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By *oi_LucyCouple
over a year ago

Barbados

One tip for a great book to read: "Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns". Search for it online, I believe it is still in print.

It is a fantastic book that looks at BDSM from many different angles. It maintains a lot of the humour as well. It is very good to help you work out what works for you and the various dynamics and type of people out there. Many people think BDSM is very serious, which it is and can be. But also the number of times we've ended up in fits of giggles on the floor after I've said something like "Suck it bitch!" and Vik has replied "I don't know that one, you sing it and I'll hum along". Lol

I got interested in BDSM at a very young age with the infancy of the internet when if found that the stories written in the alt.sex.stories.bondage newsgroup were generally better written and more interesting than then ones in alt.sex.stories. I was in my teens.

At 26 I joined a BDSM specific website after a 7-year relationship died of boredom. After quite a few meets and meeting many women I eventually met Vik. I collared her 7 years ago. We got married about 5 years ago. We now have a nearly-3 yet old daughter as well as 19 & 20 year sons for her previous marriage.

The big kids know about our relationship in the fact that Vik wears her collar 24/7 since the day she was collared. We describe it to them that it is Vik's job to look after me so that I can look after her and she can then look after the kids. It is a very 'traditional' marriage in that aspect. She stays at home and looks after the kids and cooks. I go to work and earn the money to feed us. But those are roles we have both actively decided work best for us and play to both out strengths.

D/a for us is a 24/7 thing, but the nature of that dynamic changes throughout the day. Does she walk through Sainsburys with nipple clamps on a not saying a word until spoken to. No she doesn't. She is the gobbiest woman I know! And very definately not a doormat. She is the strongest woman I know too. But I know if I told her to, she would. As she knows it would please me.

But we are also aware that BDSM and swinging don't always mix. And our dynamic between us is different depending on who else we play with. We enjoy 'vanilla' sex too in swinging. Swinging and BDSM are different itches to scratch for us. But sometimes they do come together. And that can be quite mind blowing.

So in short, have fun! Talk to others, read up. See what works for you. And be aware that that may change over time as well. Just play safe

-Matt

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When i got into D/s play - I quickly learnt that one persons take on what BDSM is can be totally different from another - There are the high protocol dungeon masters - the full on TPE 24/7 slaves the people who like the clothing and accessories - the thing they have in common is they are all doing it there way. Stick to sane safe and consensual and you will be fine.

Talk lots, Communication and trust are key - discuss and discuss and discuss - pardon the pun but there is no grey area when it comes to BDSM

Yes limits can be pushed but pushed together - hard and soft limits should be discussed before you even attempt to approach anything.

but most of all just have fun and enjoy it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Go with the flow. There are no hard and fast rules, but you do need to have trust and the upmost respect for each other. Start slowly maybe a bit of light bondage, introduce a safe word. This will enable you and your OH to push your limits safely. As you get more daring you will see your confidence and trust in each other grow, allowing you to adopt your roles in the D/s relationship.

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By *athylacyTV/TS
over a year ago

Maidstone

I agree 100%...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"One tip for a great book to read: "Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns". Search for it online, I believe it is still in print.

So in short, have fun! Talk to others, read up. See what works for you. And be aware that that may change over time as well. Just play safe

-Matt "
Excellently put, and as a couple we are very similar in our ways.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"It's the 'wannabe' accusation I don't understand, like if people don't talk/dress/behave in a way that suits they're not adequate.

And maybe I'm wrong but I'd have thought with the original question coming from somebody tentative about trying things out some of this stuff sounds pretty overwhelming.

I've never even read 50 shades... lol

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By *he Ring WraithMan
over a year ago

Bradford

Me neither, and have no interest in doing so.

I hate labels and I hate the idea that there is only one way of doing anything.

Everyone is different and so enjoy D/S and everything else in different ways.

Whether lifestyle dom or sub, occasional indulgence as a couple or with others, or just 'role play' when it suits and the company is right....

some scenarios and for some people and other are not, just enjoy what suits, try things and find what suits and enjoy it.

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