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Nervous about full swap

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

So, we are pretty new to the scene but are having a great time.

However, I have less experience than my boyfriend and feel the need to discuss thoughts and feelings around this, which we do often.

My main worry, which I hope to get some advice on, is the full swap. We have played quite a few times, 3sums, couples, groups. I have made sure I have been in full control and taken each step when I have felt ready to take them.

I guess I feel confused and divided, because I am nervous and a bit scared, but I also absolutely love the play. I get turned on by the thought, we discuss it alot and both of us feel safe in our relationship and our love for each other. But I think I get scared of myself, that I would lose control of who I am and become a sex crazed maniac... I know how silly that sounds. _ And I have this silly idea, that if another man would put his dick in me, that somehow something would change. That it would separate me from my love. And I know this is bollox because I used to be quite promiscuous and had no problem sleeping around, separating love and sex...

You people who do full swaps, how did you go about nervousness? How did it feel for you after doing a full swap?

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

If you have one iota of doubt don't do it, once done it can't be undone. You should be discussing things no matter how experienced you are and full swap is not mandatory.

I was nervous of course but I knew for sure it was something I wanted to do.and had no concerns about it changing me or our relationship or my partners attitude to me.

Good luck however you decide to proceed.

PS enjoying sex with lots of partners before doesn't always mean you will now or should now.

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By *aturasqCouple
over a year ago

Hertfordshire


"If you have one iota of doubt don't do it, once done it can't be undone. You should be discussing things no matter how experienced you are and full swap is not mandatory.

I was nervous of course but I knew for sure it was something I wanted to do.and had no concerns about it changing me or our relationship or my partners attitude to me.

Good luck however you decide to proceed.

PS enjoying sex with lots of partners before doesn't always mean you will now or should now."

Totally agree with all the above

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

The thing is, I wonder if the worry comes from social stigma. When I was younger and sleeping around, I was quite open about my sexuality, choosing to treat it as a political and personal experiment, being raised with the idea that sex was dangerous and a nice girl always needs to say no. I had a great time with it and learnt new things about myself and others. I never felt bad for what I did, it was exciting, liberating.

However some people would have a problem with this. Some friends shut me out, told me I didn't have morals, and my sister and I didn't speak because of this for 5 years, as she considered me being a mindless victim of men's sexual exploitations, and I refused to aknowledge this.

This coloured my confidence I guess.. Along with being in relationships with guys having a problem with me being sexual, telling me it wasn't feminine to be kinky and horny.

I want to be free to explore and express my sexuality, and I am so very lucky I have such a wonderful boyfriend who understands and even thinks the same way. I just wish I could push away social stigma and expectations on sexuality.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I am not being at all patronising but you have a life time to explore. I absolutely understand what you mean when you talk about societies expectations of women but it takes time to grow into your sexual self and you shouldn't rush into it. I'm lucky to have a partner who is confident enough in his own skin to give me the freedom to own my sexuality too but not everyone who swings thinks that way.

Don't overthink or rationalise if it feels wrong....don't do it.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Oh and pps your sex life as long as its safe and consensual is nobody elses business. If you don't tell them they won't know

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By *udistnorthantsMan
over a year ago

Desborough

If in doubt, don't do it, just keep doing what you are happy and relaxed with

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can understand your apprehensions as me and Mrs Z both had these thoughts when we slept with different people.

Mrs Z tends to become that sex crazed maniac that you mention in your post when she sleeps with other guys but.... she also feels closer to me and more in love. Strangely I feel closer to Mrs Z when I have sex with other women.

We did not know how we would feel when we first started swinging and had one rule only - speak out before the sex act if you are not comfortable as it's too late after you cum!

Have you shared your fears with your partner? Your partner might like the slutty side of you?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I can understand your apprehensions as me and Mrs Z both had these thoughts when we slept with different people.

Mrs Z tends to become that sex crazed maniac that you mention in your post when she sleeps with other guys but.... she also feels closer to me and more in love. Strangely I feel closer to Mrs Z when I have sex with other women.

We did not know how we would feel when we first started swinging and had one rule only - speak out before the sex act if you are not comfortable as it's too late after you cum!

Have you shared your fears with your partner? Your partner might like the slutty side of you?"

Thank you for sharing.

I do feel the same thing you describe, we both feel excited watching each other giving or receiving pleasure from another person, and in fact, more in love. Like giving each other a gift.

We do talk about this a lot, and when we play we always play with the same rules and boundaries. He doesn't move further with another woman if I'm not ready to do the same thing with the guy.

There has been two situations when we have played when the offer simply came too quickly. "want to swap?" And I just wasn't mentally ready and took the cheap way: "no, i want another meet first." or "no, I'm not ready." But then 10 minutes later, I really want to! But feel it's too late or something to change my mind... Aaaand then I end up being frustrated I didn't dare to speak up... _

At this time, I want to try it. I can only know if I try. :D

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Perhaps go to a club where there is a huge playroom with lots of sex going on or go to a private party with an orgy theme.

You can simply have sex with each other and as you will be surrounded by sweaty backsides, if you want to have a fumble or more with somebody else than it will be natural and unplanned? In busy playrooms, you often end up playing randomly and can be easier if you want to but nerves kick in!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sorry for the confusing last sentence. What I'm trying to say is that it can be easier if nerves have previously got in the way.

Our first proper time was in a club and Mrs Z was very nervous but wanted to break her swinging cherry. I resigned myself to the fact it would not happen and did not pressure her any further. Whilst in the playroom, I started going down on Mrs Z and she was having a good time. I get up for air and she was snogging another bloke and then gave him a blow job that lead to sex. Throughout this I found it a turn on and did not wish to intervene or say that I was uncomfortable. If we planned it then it may not have happened that night.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"If in doubt, don't do it, just keep doing what you are happy and relaxed with"

this.

been doing this for a wee while now, and have never felt the need to go any further than soft play with others.

however if its a step you are happy to take, then you need to be free to take it when you are happy to.

how does your partner feel about taking that step?

obviously it is generally the guy thats happy to go furthest the fastest,but as long as he is happy to take things at your pace, and wait until you feel ready, then you should be happy to go as far as you want, when you want.

just be safe

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 03/12/13 10:56:10]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"If in doubt, don't do it, just keep doing what you are happy and relaxed with

this.

been doing this for a wee while now, and have never felt the need to go any further than soft play with others.

however if its a step you are happy to take, then you need to be free to take it when you are happy to.

how does your partner feel about taking that step?

obviously it is generally the guy thats happy to go furthest the fastest,but as long as he is happy to take things at your pace, and wait until you feel ready, then you should be happy to go as far as you want, when you want.

just be safe"

What they said

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By *ohnjones3210Man
over a year ago

Chester

Hiya hun!

I'm obviously not a woman so I don't understand properly, however, I did meet a woman one time who was the same as you.

When it came to it, she couldn't relax because she felt that she was letting her hubby/family down. The thing is, he was there and was ok with it.

However, I'd suggest that if you're that worried, then don't do it. The reason being, when this happened to me, I could sense that she didn't want to and it didn't go very well. For her, I'm guessing it was quite traumatic and afterwards she felt even worse because she felt she had wronged me.

Id suggest not to pressure yourself into it.

Take care xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you both enjoy it, what's the harm?

It can bring couples closer together if anything.

Being promiscuous isn't necessarily a bad thing either, heck we might as well have as much sex as possible before we're old and can't keep up to speed haha.

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By *otwife CoolhubCouple
over a year ago

Bathgate

Firstly, you're right on track with this because you can rationalise your feelings sensibly. Your previous promiscuity was something you did out of choice and you understand that you got different things out if different experiences. Sometimes it was experimental and sometimes it was you both just using each other to get off and that's fine.

We are a full swap couple and when I see my wife having sex with another guy it releases a lot of emotion that's hard to describe. If I had to, I would say it's 50% erotic 40% affection and 10% jealousy. The latter part was a bit of a problem at first but I harness it as a positive feeling now.

The "reclaim" sex after the act is the best ever and we do turn into sex crazed maniacs for a few days but normal life soon takes over again.

All in all it has made me love my wife even more, we are way more secure as a couple as a result. I would have to say though that you have to be as secure as you can be as a couple to have the strength of relationship to make it work.

My advice would be to plan a full swap meet as a one off experiment and assure each other that it's just that if one partner doesn't enjoy it, you can then box it away as something you've ticked off as it's not for you.

You'll be able to tell by the reclaim sex if it's for you though!

Just my take on it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We have a very simple mantra - "it's better to end the night wishing you'd done more than regretting you'd done too much". Do what feels right when it feels right for you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't be a victim of slut-shaming.

You are an empowered woman. Master of your sexuality. If you feel ready to explore and expand your boundaries of lust, if your partner wants to join you in that quest and if your relationship is ready for it, go ahead and enjoy your life.

We are not here looking for social acceptance. We do it because it is right for us.

Good luck!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"We have a very simple mantra - "it's better to end the night wishing you'd done more than regretting you'd done too much". Do what feels right when it feels right for you."

Wise words

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's perfectly normal to become a sex crazed maniac when doing what we do !

You get to just be so to speak , no baggage , no bullshit just lust , and that's a great feeling .

The sex between us is undoubtedly enhanced by the full swap experience , especially when we get home !

Nerves and jealousy are an integral part of it ... the experience would be less enjoyable without them .... as another poster said , they can be used positively .

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By *leasures4Couple
over a year ago

East midlands


"We have a very simple mantra - "it's better to end the night wishing you'd done more than regretting you'd done too much". Do what feels right when it feels right for you."

This is also what we stand by...

Our first experience of swinging was to go to a club and jump in with both feet. It was horrific for both of us. Slowly but surely we have played a bit at a time. We are both almost ready to full swap now but still will only do so all together as a group with lots of interaction with each other also....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its the nerves and uncertainty that make it exciting. Once theyre over youll find yourself looking for something to bring the nervousness/excitement back

Its all good fun .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Its the nerves and uncertainty that make it exciting. Once theyre over youll find yourself looking for something to bring the nervousness/excitement back

Its all good fun . "

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By *W69Couple
over a year ago

Bournemouth

Nice thread and some really valuable advice/experiences/thoughts posted above.

For us it's all about knowing your partner and how he/she feels before, during and after.

The first time we full swapped we both "felt" that the time was right, we were comfortable with the couple we were playing with and the atmosphere led proceedings!

It's just as much for us about our time together in bed after as it is when we are with another couple. It's amazing what an endorphin release does to keep away the tiredness!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Firstly, you're right on track with this because you can rationalise your feelings sensibly. Your previous promiscuity was something you did out of choice and you understand that you got different things out if different experiences. Sometimes it was experimental and sometimes it was you both just using each other to get off and that's fine.

We are a full swap couple and when I see my wife having sex with another guy it releases a lot of emotion that's hard to describe. If I had to, I would say it's 50% erotic 40% affection and 10% jealousy. The latter part was a bit of a problem at first but I harness it as a positive feeling now.

The "reclaim" sex after the act is the best ever and we do turn into sex crazed maniacs for a few days but normal life soon takes over again.

All in all it has made me love my wife even more, we are way more secure as a couple as a result. I would have to say though that you have to be as secure as you can be as a couple to have the strength of relationship to make it work.

My advice would be to plan a full swap meet as a one off experiment and assure each other that it's just that if one partner doesn't enjoy it, you can then box it away as something you've ticked off as it's not for you.

You'll be able to tell by the reclaim sex if it's for you though!

Just my take on it. "

sorry, but you cant plan something like this, it has to happen naturally.

to feel forced into it just because you have said beforehand that you might be ready.

reclaim sex wont happen if the OP feels dirty, used and whatever else is associated with doing things you dont want to.

really just need to take it as it comes.

it may ven never happen, but as has been said, once its done, it cant be undone.

the sight of a partner fucking someone else can turn you on in the fantasy of the bedroom, when you are fucking each other, or playing, but in the cold light of reality, seeing another man plough your wife/husband hanging out of another woman, or indeed having a man/woman have their way with you personally, can throw up all kinds of negative feelings

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By *otwife CoolhubCouple
over a year ago

Bathgate


"Firstly, you're right on track with this because you can rationalise your feelings sensibly. Your previous promiscuity was something you did out of choice and you understand that you got different things out if different experiences. Sometimes it was experimental and sometimes it was you both just using each other to get off and that's fine.

We are a full swap couple and when I see my wife having sex with another guy it releases a lot of emotion that's hard to describe. If I had to, I would say it's 50% erotic 40% affection and 10% jealousy. The latter part was a bit of a problem at first but I harness it as a positive feeling now.

The "reclaim" sex after the act is the best ever and we do turn into sex crazed maniacs for a few days but normal life soon takes over again.

All in all it has made me love my wife even more, we are way more secure as a couple as a result. I would have to say though that you have to be as secure as you can be as a couple to have the strength of relationship to make it work.

My advice would be to plan a full swap meet as a one off experiment and assure each other that it's just that if one partner doesn't enjoy it, you can then box it away as something you've ticked off as it's not for you.

You'll be able to tell by the reclaim sex if it's for you though!

Just my take on it.

sorry, but you cant plan something like this, it has to happen naturally.

to feel forced into it just because you have said beforehand that you might be ready.

reclaim sex wont happen if the OP feels dirty, used and whatever else is associated with doing things you dont want to.

really just need to take it as it comes.

it may ven never happen, but as has been said, once its done, it cant be undone.

the sight of a partner fucking someone else can turn you on in the fantasy of the bedroom, when you are fucking each other, or playing, but in the cold light of reality, seeing another man plough your wife/husband hanging out of another woman, or indeed having a man/woman have their way with you personally, can throw up all kinds of negative feelings"

Are you a soft swing couple by any chance? Thought so!

Just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it doesn't work for others.

By planning a meet a couple can discuss all the different parameters. Having it happened in an unplanned manner can throw up all sorts of complications.

Whatever this lifestyle means to you, don't assume that it has to mean the same for others.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Firstly, you're right on track with this because you can rationalise your feelings sensibly. Your previous promiscuity was something you did out of choice and you understand that you got different things out if different experiences. Sometimes it was experimental and sometimes it was you both just using each other to get off and that's fine.

We are a full swap couple and when I see my wife having sex with another guy it releases a lot of emotion that's hard to describe. If I had to, I would say it's 50% erotic 40% affection and 10% jealousy. The latter part was a bit of a problem at first but I harness it as a positive feeling now.

The "reclaim" sex after the act is the best ever and we do turn into sex crazed maniacs for a few days but normal life soon takes over again.

All in all it has made me love my wife even more, we are way more secure as a couple as a result. I would have to say though that you have to be as secure as you can be as a couple to have the strength of relationship to make it work.

My advice would be to plan a full swap meet as a one off experiment and assure each other that it's just that if one partner doesn't enjoy it, you can then box it away as something you've ticked off as it's not for you.

You'll be able to tell by the reclaim sex if it's for you though!

Just my take on it.

sorry, but you cant plan something like this, it has to happen naturally.

to feel forced into it just because you have said beforehand that you might be ready.

reclaim sex wont happen if the OP feels dirty, used and whatever else is associated with doing things you dont want to.

really just need to take it as it comes.

it may ven never happen, but as has been said, once its done, it cant be undone.

the sight of a partner fucking someone else can turn you on in the fantasy of the bedroom, when you are fucking each other, or playing, but in the cold light of reality, seeing another man plough your wife/husband hanging out of another woman, or indeed having a man/woman have their way with you personally, can throw up all kinds of negative feelings

Are you a soft swing couple by any chance? Thought so!

Just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it doesn't work for others.

By planning a meet a couple can discuss all the different parameters. Having it happened in an unplanned manner can throw up all sorts of complications.

Whatever this lifestyle means to you, don't assume that it has to mean the same for others. "

yes, we are soft swing, but it doesnt make the point any less valid, just because we dont feel the need to go any further.

plans fail, full stop.

if you dont plan, and it feels right, then you can go for it

if you plan, and it doesnt, but you feel you have to go through with it because you have said so, then who is that helping?

certainly not the OP thats for sure.

as for your point, i can say the same.

just because it works for YOU, dont assume it has to be the same for others.

thinking about it isnt the same as doing it

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By *otwife CoolhubCouple
over a year ago

Bathgate


"Firstly, you're right on track with this because you can rationalise your feelings sensibly. Your previous promiscuity was something you did out of choice and you understand that you got different things out if different experiences. Sometimes it was experimental and sometimes it was you both just using each other to get off and that's fine.

We are a full swap couple and when I see my wife having sex with another guy it releases a lot of emotion that's hard to describe. If I had to, I would say it's 50% erotic 40% affection and 10% jealousy. The latter part was a bit of a problem at first but I harness it as a positive feeling now.

The "reclaim" sex after the act is the best ever and we do turn into sex crazed maniacs for a few days but normal life soon takes over again.

All in all it has made me love my wife even more, we are way more secure as a couple as a result. I would have to say though that you have to be as secure as you can be as a couple to have the strength of relationship to make it work.

My advice would be to plan a full swap meet as a one off experiment and assure each other that it's just that if one partner doesn't enjoy it, you can then box it away as something you've ticked off as it's not for you.

You'll be able to tell by the reclaim sex if it's for you though!

Just my take on it.

sorry, but you cant plan something like this, it has to happen naturally.

to feel forced into it just because you have said beforehand that you might be ready.

reclaim sex wont happen if the OP feels dirty, used and whatever else is associated with doing things you dont want to.

really just need to take it as it comes.

it may ven never happen, but as has been said, once its done, it cant be undone.

the sight of a partner fucking someone else can turn you on in the fantasy of the bedroom, when you are fucking each other, or playing, but in the cold light of reality, seeing another man plough your wife/husband hanging out of another woman, or indeed having a man/woman have their way with you personally, can throw up all kinds of negative feelings

Are you a soft swing couple by any chance? Thought so!

Just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it doesn't work for others.

By planning a meet a couple can discuss all the different parameters. Having it happened in an unplanned manner can throw up all sorts of complications.

Whatever this lifestyle means to you, don't assume that it has to mean the same for others.

yes, we are soft swing, but it doesnt make the point any less valid, just because we dont feel the need to go any further.

plans fail, full stop.

if you dont plan, and it feels right, then you can go for it

if you plan, and it doesnt, but you feel you have to go through with it because you have said so, then who is that helping?

certainly not the OP thats for sure.

as for your point, i can say the same.

just because it works for YOU, dont assume it has to be the same for others.

thinking about it isnt the same as doing it"

Not saying that because it works for us it should work for everyone but I'm not the one making my opinion appear as a statement fact.

So if you don't plan or discuss the issue and something goes ahead without the go ahead from the other partner that's a healthy thing is it?

If you plan and it doesn't feel right when you get there of course you can wait for another scenario when it does.

I'm sure the OP will take on board the point made with a more open mind than you have afforded to it so I'm comfortable with the advice given.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i cant help the way you misinterpret things now can i?

you said to plan a full swap meet.

yes, one or other backing out would be fine between yourselves, but i wonder if the other couple that are expecting it would feel if you said you just dont want to anymore...

hence i said you should always go into a meet with an open mind to what happens, and if it doesnt then no one is disappointed.

i really dont get what you are struggling with here.

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By *otwife CoolhubCouple
over a year ago

Bathgate


"i cant help the way you misinterpret things now can i?

you said to plan a full swap meet.

yes, one or other backing out would be fine between yourselves, but i wonder if the other couple that are expecting it would feel if you said you just dont want to anymore...

hence i said you should always go into a meet with an open mind to what happens, and if it doesnt then no one is disappointed.

i really dont get what you are struggling with here."

I'm struggling that you're forcing your opinion into a subject you know very little about.

The OP asked for opinions on the matter and instead if giving yours you've singled mine out as being wrong. Opinion and fact are very different things.

By using the methods described above we planned a full swap meet. We were aware of the possible consequences but wanted to try it and it really worked for us positively.

You say that when you plan a fun meet, regardless of whether it's full or soft swap one party can't change their mind? Frankly, that's an irresponsible and unhelpful outlook.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

We do go to clubs quite often, and this is what I prefer because of this reason. It feels a bit easier getting into everything when you're aready naked and horny. xD

I talked to my boyfriend today and told him I felt it was difficult to showing when I want to swap. I just have to work on this nervousness. I am thinking, I will try it with the understanding nothing will change. It's just pure sex, and if it doesn't feel right I'll just stop and move on. Like it has been mentioned here: check the box as something I didn't like, and stay with what feels right.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Don't be a victim of slut-shaming.

You are an empowered woman. Master of your sexuality. If you feel ready to explore and expand your boundaries of lust, if your partner wants to join you in that quest and if your relationship is ready for it, go ahead and enjoy your life.

We are not here looking for social acceptance. We do it because it is right for us.

Good luck!!!"

Thank you so much for this comment! Girl power! xD

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"If in doubt, don't do it, just keep doing what you are happy and relaxed with

this.

been doing this for a wee while now, and have never felt the need to go any further than soft play with others.

however if its a step you are happy to take, then you need to be free to take it when you are happy to.

how does your partner feel about taking that step?

obviously it is generally the guy thats happy to go furthest the fastest,but as long as he is happy to take things at your pace, and wait until you feel ready, then you should be happy to go as far as you want, when you want.

just be safe"

Haha, my partner is on the same level. I was the one who started asking him about his experiences, being told about the downsides and all that. So we are both on the same page really, we want the same things but I feel a bit nervous and uncertain how to go about this.

I think we will go to a club tomorrow, what ever happens happens, and it will be an experience which will help me understand what I want.

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