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Hitchhiker's Guide to FAB Profiles

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Disclaimer - This is a bit of fun, a little levity, and should in no way be taken in offence, or as an accurate guide....although....

So you're new here. Like a dog in a lamp post factory. Well, let me take you on a tour of this little wonderland, and I'll introduce you to some folks...

THE HOT, YOUNG, NYMPHOMANIAC.....

This little gem is more often than not around 23, 'Athletic', and lists her likes as sex, sex, sex, and more sex. She can be spotted by the single, small and grainy headless photo, no verifications, and disappearance within a week of joining. She will also most likely be a bus driver called Alan.

THE NAILED ON MEET

Characteristics include a membership of more than a year, no photos, and 'Will update later' is often the only body on her profile. There will also be no verifications, and no hope. Save your breath.

THE NERVOUS HUSBAND

He's married. He's got some saucy pics of the wife, and he likes the idea of shagging other people. She, on the other hand has no idea about this site, or that everyone is checking out pictures of her bum without her knowledge. Is most likely to meet in a car park and claim the missus is ill, but is there any chance of a blow job?

THE DESPERATE YOUNG MAN

"I'm really bi, honest!" he will proclaim when it's pointed out to him that his profile states 'Straight' despite messaging a couple who only want to meet bi or bi curious men. His copy-paste antics are usually easy to spot, as are his pictures; blurry, mirror self shots taken at 2am when he's just back from the pub and full of Dutch Courage. Don't bother messaging him, he's bound to message you at some point anyway, whether you're male, female, straight, gay, animal, vegetable, or mineral, before exploding in a fit of premature ejaculation if he is lucky enough to receive a reply.

THE CAPS BRIGADE

Because having a rant and putting it in capital letters is not only attractive, but looks lovely, having your introductory profile text peppered with huge, shouty letters. Favourites include 'NO SINGLE MEN, CAN YOU NOT READ???' (when a simple tweak of the settings would prevent the annoying buggers getting in touch), 'I'M NOT YOUR BABE!!' (you got that right, sister), and the unforgettable 'SICK OV COCK PICS NO FACE PIC NO REPLY', just let them work it out for themselves - if you introduce yourself to someone in real life, you offer a smile and a hand shake, you don't wave yer willy in their face. Anyone who does is best to be avoided in my opinion, so let them make that mistake and help you sort the wheat from the chaff.

THE GODDESS OF SWINGING

Tanned, lithe, fake tits and an even faker smile. She's been around the block a few times in her alleged 40-odd years, hence why she will only entertain 10"+...nothing else touches the sides any more. Usually tottering around in ridiculous footwear with ugly, gnarled toes poking out the front, and an attitude to match. A really beautiful person.

But then, my dear traveler, you have the wonderful, genuine folks, who gladly make up a large portion of this site. Unfortunately, you might have to work your way past some of the loons to get to them . Happy swinging!!

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By *osweet69Couple
over a year ago

portsmouth


"Disclaimer - This is a bit of fun, a little levity, and should in no way be taken in offence, or as an accurate guide....although....

So you're new here. Like a dog in a lamp post factory. Well, let me take you on a tour of this little wonderland, and I'll introduce you to some folks...

THE HOT, YOUNG, NYMPHOMANIAC.....

This little gem is more often than not around 23, 'Athletic', and lists her likes as sex, sex, sex, and more sex. She can be spotted by the single, small and grainy headless photo, no verifications, and disappearance within a week of joining. She will also most likely be a bus driver called Alan.

THE NAILED ON MEET

Characteristics include a membership of more than a year, no photos, and 'Will update later' is often the only body on her profile. There will also be no verifications, and no hope. Save your breath.

THE NERVOUS HUSBAND

He's married. He's got some saucy pics of the wife, and he likes the idea of shagging other people. She, on the other hand has no idea about this site, or that everyone is checking out pictures of her bum without her knowledge. Is most likely to meet in a car park and claim the missus is ill, but is there any chance of a blow job?

THE DESPERATE YOUNG MAN

"I'm really bi, honest!" he will proclaim when it's pointed out to him that his profile states 'Straight' despite messaging a couple who only want to meet bi or bi curious men. His copy-paste antics are usually easy to spot, as are his pictures; blurry, mirror self shots taken at 2am when he's just back from the pub and full of Dutch Courage. Don't bother messaging him, he's bound to message you at some point anyway, whether you're male, female, straight, gay, animal, vegetable, or mineral, before exploding in a fit of premature ejaculation if he is lucky enough to receive a reply.

THE CAPS BRIGADE

Because having a rant and putting it in capital letters is not only attractive, but looks lovely, having your introductory profile text peppered with huge, shouty letters. Favourites include 'NO SINGLE MEN, CAN YOU NOT READ???' (when a simple tweak of the settings would prevent the annoying buggers getting in touch), 'I'M NOT YOUR BABE!!' (you got that right, sister), and the unforgettable 'SICK OV COCK PICS NO FACE PIC NO REPLY', just let them work it out for themselves - if you introduce yourself to someone in real life, you offer a smile and a hand shake, you don't wave yer willy in their face. Anyone who does is best to be avoided in my opinion, so let them make that mistake and help you sort the wheat from the chaff.

THE GODDESS OF SWINGING

Tanned, lithe, fake tits and an even faker smile. She's been around the block a few times in her alleged 40-odd years, hence why she will only entertain 10"+...nothing else touches the sides any more. Usually tottering around in ridiculous footwear with ugly, gnarled toes poking out the front, and an attitude to match. A really beautiful person.

But then, my dear traveler, you have the wonderful, genuine folks, who gladly make up a large portion of this site. Unfortunately, you might have to work your way past some of the loons to get to them . Happy swinging!! "
Made us smile and closer to the truth than you think.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Brilliant

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Very very funny!

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By *antsanddorsetMan
over a year ago

southampton

excellent - more, more

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

I recognize people!!!

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By *layfull pairingCouple
over a year ago

Bristol

Fair play...very funny... Also unfortunately very true in many cases...

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By *aulsussex5Man
over a year ago

nr Gatwick

Brilliant! Sums it up perfectly!

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By *utty_JiggleCouple
over a year ago

Black Country

Fantastic... Made me giggle (K).

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By *ollie_JCouple
over a year ago

London

THE BISEXUAL SQUADDIE

A bisexual profile with, I like cock a lot, written on it.

Together with a picture of a young Squaddie.

No doubt set up by his mates and shown around the pub,

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

VERY TRUE LOL,

i can picture them all now,

Can picture a few more as well best thread I have seen in a god while

The pull the pig champ who gets a bit of attention on here and next minute she is the best thing since slice bread,

The single guys who have to put there tool next to an object to prove there size

the black men only or be blocked that have white profiles as verifications

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is brilliant!! However you forgot....

THE WOE IS ME...

profiles full of repeated sentiment about how genuine they are yet can't ever get a meet. This it's a sex site and women shouldn't be so fussy and should meet him because he is amazing at oral/fucking/pestering (delete as required).

Status usually comprises of ' my balls need empying today and offers' or 'is there anyone who actually meets on here?'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"THE BISEXUAL SQUADDIE

A bisexual profile with, I like cock a lot, written on it.

Together with a picture of a young Squaddie.

No doubt set up by his mates and shown around the pub,"

Wow easy on us army folk!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The BI 'COUPLE' ...

Where the lady (non existent) wants men to meet her bi bf first.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Very funny but you forgot ...

THE PROFESSIONAL FLAT SHARING GUY

I'm a professional well hung guy early 40s. Very successful and looking for the classy couples and singles for nsa fun. I only meet in the best hotels and will wine and dine you on caviar and champagne before giving you the best sex ever.

I am single (honest) but can't accommodate as I share a flat with my mate. Oh and weekends are out because I'm a single parent with kids ... but I'm staying overnight in the Premier Inn if you fancy a quick meet

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

THE GODDESS OF SWINGING

Tanned, lithe, fake tits and an even faker smile. She's been around the block a few times in her alleged 40-odd years, hence why she will only entertain 10"+...nothing else touches the sides any more. Usually tottering around in ridiculous footwear with ugly, gnarled toes poking out the front, and an attitude to match. A really beautiful person.

lol thats my favorite kind of woman

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By *sprey6Man
over a year ago

Here!

Made me spit out my coffee!

Douglas Adams would have been very proud! !!!!

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By *oe_Steve_NWestCouple
over a year ago

Bolton

Superb - very clever and pretty accurate! Z

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Heehee... I'm not a single one of these

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By *adyA01Woman
over a year ago

Wellington

Just Brilliant! Made me smile!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Haha!

Love it x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Love it...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i don't have gnarled toes poking out....but then neither am i lithe! lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Disclaimer - This is a bit of fun, a little levity, and should in no way be taken in offence, or as an accurate guide....although....

So you're new here. Like a dog in a lamp post factory. Well, let me take you on a tour of this little wonderland, and I'll introduce you to some folks...

THE HOT, YOUNG, NYMPHOMANIAC.....

This little gem is more often than not around 23, 'Athletic', and lists her likes as sex, sex, sex, and more sex. She can be spotted by the single, small and grainy headless photo, no verifications, and disappearance within a week of joining. She will also most likely be a bus driver called Alan.

THE NAILED ON MEET

Characteristics include a membership of more than a year, no photos, and 'Will update later' is often the only body on her profile. There will also be no verifications, and no hope. Save your breath.

THE NERVOUS HUSBAND

He's married. He's got some saucy pics of the wife, and he likes the idea of shagging other people. She, on the other hand has no idea about this site, or that everyone is checking out pictures of her bum without her knowledge. Is most likely to meet in a car park and claim the missus is ill, but is there any chance of a blow job?

THE DESPERATE YOUNG MAN

"I'm really bi, honest!" he will proclaim when it's pointed out to him that his profile states 'Straight' despite messaging a couple who only want to meet bi or bi curious men. His copy-paste antics are usually easy to spot, as are his pictures; blurry, mirror self shots taken at 2am when he's just back from the pub and full of Dutch Courage. Don't bother messaging him, he's bound to message you at some point anyway, whether you're male, female, straight, gay, animal, vegetable, or mineral, before exploding in a fit of premature ejaculation if he is lucky enough to receive a reply.

THE CAPS BRIGADE

Because having a rant and putting it in capital letters is not only attractive, but looks lovely, having your introductory profile text peppered with huge, shouty letters. Favourites include 'NO SINGLE MEN, CAN YOU NOT READ???' (when a simple tweak of the settings would prevent the annoying buggers getting in touch), 'I'M NOT YOUR BABE!!' (you got that right, sister), and the unforgettable 'SICK OV COCK PICS NO FACE PIC NO REPLY', just let them work it out for themselves - if you introduce yourself to someone in real life, you offer a smile and a hand shake, you don't wave yer willy in their face. Anyone who does is best to be avoided in my opinion, so let them make that mistake and help you sort the wheat from the chaff.

THE GODDESS OF SWINGING

Tanned, lithe, fake tits and an even faker smile. She's been around the block a few times in her alleged 40-odd years, hence why she will only entertain 10"+...nothing else touches the sides any more. Usually tottering around in ridiculous footwear with ugly, gnarled toes poking out the front, and an attitude to match. A really beautiful person.

But then, my dear traveler, you have the wonderful, genuine folks, who gladly make up a large portion of this site. Unfortunately, you might have to work your way past some of the loons to get to them . Happy swinging!! "

Very funny. Even though we're guilty of one of them!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Reds,you;ve made me smile!I like your brand of humour but what you say is so so true!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Absolutely aces. X

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By *eviantDelightsMan
over a year ago

London/Cambridgeshire

Excellent

That brought a smile to my face

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Brilliant

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

dont forget your towel

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By *elaxedsexyfunMan
over a year ago

Northants

How very very true!

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By *otlovefun42Couple
over a year ago

Costa Blanca Spain...

The best comedy always has a ring of truth.

Well done

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By *ree8iveMan
over a year ago

CORNWALL

Hee hee, like it! Scarily accurate!

I've noticed one or two others:

'One in a million'

Lady whose profile is so specific, (guys aged between 29-30, muscular, space shuttle pilot, 8.4 inch cock, talent contest winner), that her chances of finding this guy are 1 in a million...

I've seen the age limit on a profile!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"THE BISEXUAL SQUADDIE

A bisexual profile with, I like cock a lot, written on it.

Together with a picture of a young Squaddie.

No doubt set up by his mates and shown around the pub,"

Sorry

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I love this post!!

So true!! You read some of the ladies profiles from round my way and, well, what's the bloody point?? Very frustrating!

The worst thing is most profiles this way want a guy who works for the BBC!!! Rubbish!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I love this post!!

So true!! You read some of the ladies profiles from round my way and, well, what's the bloody point?? Very frustrating!

The worst thing is most profiles this way want a guy who works for the BBC!!! Rubbish!! "
lmao

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By *hreesomefunguyMan
over a year ago

Bristol

So true and very funny ......

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By *am123Man
over a year ago

essex chelmsford

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By *1sexypairCouple
over a year ago

Retford

Brilliant

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Nice one

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By *an and wifeyCouple
over a year ago

n lincs

What about the people that claim this site is a waste of time so are leaving only to post a couple of days later that their faith has been restored and are looking to meet lol

Oh and may be a little of us in the first thread ha ha lmao

Great read for a Sunday morning

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By *eordiesCouple
over a year ago

newcastle

Wonderfully accurate !!

J & S

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Love it, you have hit the nail on the head. x

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