FabSwingers.com forum: How do you deal with a bad experience?

By *akat158 OP Couple
8 weeks ago

Nottinghamshire

Hello everyone. Sorry if this is a bit winded, I tend to waffle a bit.

We're pretty new to this and on the whole we've been having a great time. But on our last visit to a club a couple of things happened that made us a bit uncomfortable.

Annoyingly, they happened at each end of a really nice experience.

Both happened in a couples room. The first was that we bumped into someone we were going to meet earlier in the day, but couldn't because we were delayed (we were going to meet them and a bunch of other couples beforehand). We thought he was with the really nice couple we'd just started playing with and that they knew each other.

He started joining in and he was really d*unk.

At the end of the night we talked to him again and found out he wasn't with the other couple at all and he never had his partner in the room with us. Plus the second thing had just happened and everything was a bit confusing.

It's bugging me (D) because I shouldn't have let him near K at all.

In fact I'm quite angry about it and about him assuming that because we'd messaged before, he could just join in without permission.

I shouldn't have made the assumption that he was with the other people and I should've seen he was d*unk and told him to piss off.

But he goes to that club semi-regularly so there's a possibility we might see him again. Do you message the: person to say you weren't happy with how they behaved? Do you leave it? Do you never go back there again?

The second thing was at the end.

The d*unk guy had gone, we were all having a great time, another couple were playing vigorously by themselves next to us and left. Then K found something on her leg.

At that time everyone was told to leave as it was closing. So we all (reluctantly) packed up. K went to the loo to see what was on her and it was poo from where her leg had touched the other mat next to her.

Either the d*unk guy or the couple had left it as it wasn't there before.

She had a bit of a panic and tried washing it off. I noticed she was a bit flustered and asked what was up but she said she didn't want to talk about it and she'd tell me in the car.

I thought it was a medical issue that had come back (her coil got dislodged a few weeks ago but she'd been checked and everything had been good) so we packed up and left.

We also feel we should have informed the club about both things so we feel a bit guilty about that.

We don't want these things to put a damper on visiting clubs, but if you've had a bad experience yourself, how did you move past it?

Thanks everyone.

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By *iss DevilWoman
8 weeks ago

Bedford

Sorry to hear your experience was not all positive, OP. In clubs, things can happen in the heat of the moment, and then when you analyse those in the cold light of day, the regret sets in. Yes, the d*unk guy shouldn't have assumed anything, but because neither of you stopped him from joining, he just decided you were fine with that. Nobody is a mind reader, and yes, I know it's not always possible to stay on top of every situation when you're trying to enjoy yourself. Myself, for example, I hate the fact some men seem to assume that, just because I'm playing in the open, I'm "game" for anything and they start touching without being invited to.

The poo incident is horrendous, and it shouldn't happen, but again, when you're playing with people in close proximity, you may get hit, accidentally, by bodily fluids. Probably the person wasn't aware they pooped themselves during sex...

Hopefully it's not going to put you off going to events. I don't think either situation has anything to do with the club, staff can't be everywhere. We are all adults and we are expected to act as ones while in a club.

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By *herrybakewellCouple
8 weeks ago

Staffordshire

Each time we go, we learn something new.

Someone in a club thats d*unk, is a huge red flag, not only will we avoid them, but most clubs will kick them out.

If something feels wrong, always report it. Let the club handle it.

Don't let it put you off, in time you will learn how the system so to speak works.

Its also worth saying that different events attract different people and a different experience. We now only do couples events. It has a much softer approach which is what we like.

Mr.

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By *aandLoCouple
8 weeks ago

Southampton

Sorry to hear you had a nice night spoiled by something unpleasant.

We're quite new to the scene too, and have tried a few clubs, parties and meets. Most have been a lot of fun but some lost a little sparkle due to something unpleasant or disappointing also. 🫤

It is upsetting you inadvertently played with someone on reflection you wish you hadn't. You can't change it now but can adjust your approach to ensure it doesn't happen again. For me having a strategy helps me set aside, and move on from what happened.

There was one guy who behaved badly recently at a club we visited. We let it ride that evening, but promised ourselves if he was there and behaving badly on our next visit, we would definitely report to a staff member.

With regard to a few ongoing difficulties we've experienced, we have tailored our preferences, and venue choices to minimise the likelihood of a disappointing evening.

Please don't let it hold you back from returning to that club, or enjoying the lifestyle. x

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By *aomilatteCouple
8 weeks ago

Midlands

Our advice would be not to play in open playrooms, unfortunately some people don't understand about consent. Choose sober play partners and go in a clean lockable playroom. We've smelt urine in a room before, it seems some are happy to urinate in rooms. Don't let it put you off clubs, get more experience and have great times ☺️

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
8 weeks ago

East Sussex

We got over our bad experiences by treating them as learning opportunities. We changed how we did things and agreed that the minute either of us wanted to stop we just needed to say "stop", no secret codes or special signals and that it was ok to ask for a five minute private chat.

You can see that you would have done things differently *with hindsight*so you've learned something useful

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By *akat158 OP Couple
8 weeks ago

Nottinghamshire

Thank you all for the kind words and we'll go through them together later on.

Not so much thanks to the slightly odd private message that said we really ought to be expecting poo in the playrooms (I'm keeping that in case I ever start a band), and that it was our fault for not checking the bed when other people have got up and left

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By *aandLoCouple
8 weeks ago

Southampton

"Thank you all for the kind words and we'll go through them together later on.

Wow! Some people clearly have standards and expectations below floor level....

Sprays and wipes/roll is in club rooms for a reason.

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
Forum Mod
8 weeks ago

Central

Consent is needed for each instance of engagement - it's not granted once, into perpetuity.

Forewarned is fore-armed, so you'll be prepared for future.

It's definitely something to look out for, with people trying to muscle in on others' sexual activity. Sometimes it's fingers or cocks that encroach or try to penetrate

. Usually barriers keep people out but there are some people who will connive to get close.

It's worth having a pause, before starting anything with anyone, to establish the ground rules and who people are - and who is consenting to what, with whom.

Mostly you'll find people respectful and decent. But you benefit from having awareness that some people will look for opportunities with people that they can try to exploit

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By *ustus5555Woman
8 weeks ago

Nottingham

As others have said op, try to find a private room for play rather than open. That does not in anyway excuse the poo incident, that's truly vile. You very often find in clubs some ppl go over the top regarding alcohol & unless you've got your wits about you they think it's OK to touch without consent. A stern NO should be all it takes & if they persist, find management.

Really sorry for your experience & don't let it put you off. As you say, talk to each other, decide where you think you went "wrong" regarding the d*unk and try and avoid. ( you didn't actually do anything wrong ) but you know what I mean.

Hopefully you'll have many more happier club experiences. X

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By *akat158 OP Couple
8 weeks ago

Nottinghamshire

"Sorry to hear your experience was not all positive, OP. In clubs, things can happen in the heat of the moment, and then when you analyse those in the cold light of day, the regret sets in. Yes, the d*unk guy shouldn't have assumed anything, but because neither of you stopped him from joining, he just decided you were fine with that. Nobody is a mind reader, and yes, I know it's not always possible to stay on top of every situation when you're trying to enjoy yourself. Myself, for example, I hate the fact some men seem to assume that, just because I'm playing in the open, I'm "game" for anything and they start touching without being invited to.

Thank you for the advice.

Yes we're going to make sure we're a bit more analytical of what's happening, rather than just assuming something. And we're okay with little "accidents", that could happen to anyone. I think it was more that they hadn't cleaned up after themselves more than anything.

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By *akat158 OP Couple
8 weeks ago

Nottinghamshire

"Sorry to hear you had a nice night spoiled by something unpleasant.

We're quite new to the scene too, and have tried a few clubs, parties and meets. Most have been a lot of fun but some lost a little sparkle due to something unpleasant or disappointing also. 🫤

With regard to a few ongoing difficulties we've experienced, we have tailored our preferences, and venue choices to minimise the likelihood of a disappointing evening.

Please don't let it hold you back from returning to that club, or enjoying the lifestyle. x"

Thanks for sharing your experiences. It's possible that it just took the new experience positive shine off things a bit.

Did you find you were still able to relax and enjoy things properly on visits afterwards or is a bit of you always on guard, looking for stuff?

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By *akat158 OP Couple
8 weeks ago

Nottinghamshire

"Our advice would be not to play in open playrooms, unfortunately some people don't understand about consent. Choose sober play partners and go in a clean lockable playroom. We've smelt urine in a room before, it seems some are happy to urinate in rooms. Don't let it put you off clubs, get more experience and have great times ☺️"

I hate to think what the club owners have to put with cleaning in the cold light of day

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By *akat158 OP Couple
8 weeks ago

Nottinghamshire

"We got over our bad experiences by treating them as learning opportunities. We changed how we did things and agreed that the minute either of us wanted to stop we just needed to say "stop", no secret codes or special signals and that it was ok to ask for a five minute private chat.

You can see that you would have done things differently *with hindsight*so you've learned something useful "

Yup we'll make sure to have a more serious "debrief" talk this time. Usually it just gets us excited again but at least this time we'll have something to actually talk about.

Thanks for your positive words.

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By *akat158 OP Couple
8 weeks ago

Nottinghamshire

"Consent is needed for each instance of engagement - it's not granted once, into perpetuity.

Forewarned is fore-armed, so you'll be prepared for future.

It's definitely something to look out for, with people trying to muscle in on others' sexual activity. Sometimes it's fingers or cocks that encroach or try to penetrate

. Usually barriers keep people out but there are some people who will connive to get close.

It's worth having a pause, before starting anything with anyone, to establish the ground rules and who people are - and who is consenting to what, with whom.

Mostly you'll find people respectful and decent. But you benefit from having awareness that some people will look for opportunities with people that they can try to exploit

Thank you, we'll make sure to have a bit more situational awareness in future. It was an odd situation because we were having a text book example of polite play engagement with another couple just before this.

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By *akat158 OP Couple
8 weeks ago

Nottinghamshire

"As others have said op, try to find a private room for play rather than open. That does not in anyway excuse the poo incident, that's truly vile. You very often find in clubs some ppl go over the top regarding alcohol & unless you've got your wits about you they think it's OK to touch without consent. A stern NO should be all it takes & if they persist, find management.

Hopefully you'll have many more happier club experiences. X"

We'd gone this time with the idea of just playing with each other and we'd used a couple of locked rooms beforehand. But K wanted to watch others and maybe I tera t a bit so we went in the couples room. And if it'd just been the other two couples that joined us in there (before the two incident people) then it would have been amazing

It's perhaps the juxtaposition of the two things made it feel odd.

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By *aandLoCouple
8 weeks ago

Southampton

"Sorry to hear you had a nice night spoiled by something unpleasant.

We're quite new to the scene too, and have tried a few clubs, parties and meets. Most have been a lot of fun but some lost a little sparkle due to something unpleasant or disappointing also. 🫤

With regard to a few ongoing difficulties we've experienced, we have tailored our preferences, and venue choices to minimise the likelihood of a disappointing evening.

Please don't let it hold you back from returning to that club, or enjoying the lifestyle. x

Thanks for sharing your experiences. It's possible that it just took the new experience positive shine off things a bit.

Did you find you were still able to relax and enjoy things properly on visits afterwards or is a bit of you always on guard, looking for stuff?"

It hasn't effected our enthusiasm just given us more confidence to evaluate people and situations before diving in. Anyone worth playing with won't be upset by a brief pause while you ensure everyone is happy. x

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By *eyeYCouple
8 weeks ago

Nr Leicester

Had our share of less than ideal events at club's including but not exclusively, 'wife stealing', 'stealthing' and so on, but they are still the hands down the safest places to pursue extracurricular fun as a couple.

Though with increased vigilance and communication, because no one is infallible 😘

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By *akat158 OP Couple
8 weeks ago

Nottinghamshire

"Had our share of less than ideal events at club's including but not exclusively, 'wife stealing', 'stealthing' and so on, but they are still the hands down the safest places to pursue extracurricular fun as a couple.

Though with increased vigilance and communication, because no one is infallible 😘"

We've encountered quite a bit of that kind of thing on here. I guess we were a bit naive to think that it wouldn't happen in clubs.

We'll take it as a moment of personal growth instead then.

We're going to be acting like Meerkats at the next club we go to.

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By *eyeYCouple
8 weeks ago

Nr Leicester

It removes a lot of the 'sexy' sometimes but entirely xx

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