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Advice on accepting emotions in a deep FWB while staying open and non exclusive

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By *heitaliandreamer OP   Man
18 weeks ago

Northampton

Hi everyone,

I am looking for advice from people with experience in emotionally open or non exclusive connections.

I have a FWB relationship that slowly grew into something deeper for both of us. We care a lot about each other and what we share together feels very special. She is very clear and honest that she is free to meet other men when I am not available, and she frames those encounters as just fun, not emotional, and not competing with what we have. She is also completely happy for me to meet other women, so the freedom goes both ways.

Intellectually I understand her position, and I do believe her when she says I am the special one and that what we share is unique. Emotionally though, I still struggle. When I know she is seeing other men, I catch myself comparing, feeling replaced, or seeing them as competitors even though she insists they are not.

I want to fully accept her freedom without feeling hurt, anxious, or insecure. I do not want to control her or change the agreement, I want to work on myself so I can feel calmer and more grounded in what we have.

For those of you who have been in similar situations, how did you move past jealousy and comparison? How do you reframe other partners as neutral or irrelevant instead of threats? Are there specific mindset shifts, communication tools, or boundaries that helped you feel secure while staying open?

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By *ellinever70Woman
18 weeks ago

Ayrshire

I'll never understand why people want to 'train' themselves to accept relationships or situations that cause them emotional discomfort.

It seems like a recipe for continual conflict

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By *iss DevilWoman
18 weeks ago

Bedford

Mindset shift- yes, definitely, from how a "traditional" relationship "should be", according to the society, to a non-monogamous relationship. I have an open relationship with my partner- we met on here, and it was me who stated that I needed freedom to be able to see others on my own. However, I gave him the same freedom, too. There was no jealousy as I explained I need variety in my sex life, and that I was getting different needs met by different people. It must be working as we have been together for just over 7 years now. Not always smooth sailing, worse now that my menopause is really kicking my arse.

My advice: have an honest conversation with your FWB about your feelings. Do you think/know she feels the same when you meet other women on your own?

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By *heitaliandreamer OP   Man
18 weeks ago

Northampton


"Mindset shift- yes, definitely, from how a "traditional" relationship "should be", according to the society, to a non-monogamous relationship. I have an open relationship with my partner- we met on here, and it was me who stated that I needed freedom to be able to see others on my own. However, I gave him the same freedom, too. There was no jealousy as I explained I need variety in my sex life, and that I was getting different needs met by different people. It must be working as we have been together for just over 7 years now. Not always smooth sailing, worse now that my menopause is really kicking my arse.

My advice: have an honest conversation with your FWB about your feelings. Do you think/know she feels the same when you meet other women on your own? "

She is totally OK with me meeting others and she wants me to accept that or we might not see each other anymore

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By *iss DevilWoman
18 weeks ago

Bedford


"Mindset shift- yes, definitely, from how a "traditional" relationship "should be", according to the society, to a non-monogamous relationship. I have an open relationship with my partner- we met on here, and it was me who stated that I needed freedom to be able to see others on my own. However, I gave him the same freedom, too. There was no jealousy as I explained I need variety in my sex life, and that I was getting different needs met by different people. It must be working as we have been together for just over 7 years now. Not always smooth sailing, worse now that my menopause is really kicking my arse.

My advice: have an honest conversation with your FWB about your feelings. Do you think/know she feels the same when you meet other women on your own?

She is totally OK with me meeting others and she wants me to accept that or we might not see each other anymore "

That's the choice you need to make yourself. If my partner told me he's jealous, or uncomfortable, about me meeting other people, then I'd probably be the same as your FWB. Monogamous relationships are not for me, and neither are restrictive ones, where the guy tries to control who I meet. Sounds like your FWB is the same.

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By *ashMan
18 weeks ago

Westhoughton

If you go for same room swap and can enjoy watching each other with someone else then you are ready for emotionally detached FWB. If you can't then you need to decide where to draw the line.

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By *CExeCouple
18 weeks ago

Hong-Kong/Exeter

Did you join Fab as a single guy looking for fun? Quite often, singletons join with that mindset, then catch feelings and become jealous like you've described. Swinging isn't for everyone, though usually it's a male half of a couple pushing for play with a reluctant wife/gf in these scenarios.

Have a conversation with her about how you feel, how you would like the relationship between you to progress and whether you can incorporate her desire to play with others into that. It's unfair on both of you if the relationship dynamic has changed and is no longer working for one or the other of you.

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By *issmorganWoman
18 weeks ago

Calderdale innit

I net my other half here ten years ago, I wasn't looking for more, but it just developed.

We were both honest about it and I was worried at first, as I wasn't actually looking for serious.

I have had regulars I met when single and never got attached to them. I think some just can't do nsa, men and women.

I'm not sure there's anything specific you can change op. If you're developing feelings for her and are jealous, I'd maybe think about if this arrangement is for you.

You're not wrong for catching feelings, it happens. However, it's not wrong of her to not want more than fun too, especially if she's been honest about that from the start.

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By *rgoodnbadMan
18 weeks ago

greenock


"

Hi everyone,

I am looking for advice from people with experience in emotionally open or non exclusive connections.

I have a FWB relationship that slowly grew into something deeper for both of us. We care a lot about each other and what we share together feels very special. She is very clear and honest that she is free to meet other men when I am not available, and she frames those encounters as just fun, not emotional, and not competing with what we have. She is also completely happy for me to meet other women, so the freedom goes both ways.

Intellectually I understand her position, and I do believe her when she says I am the special one and that what we share is unique. Emotionally though, I still struggle. When I know she is seeing other men, I catch myself comparing, feeling replaced, or seeing them as competitors even though she insists they are not.

I want to fully accept her freedom without feeling hurt, anxious, or insecure. I do not want to control her or change the agreement, I want to work on myself so I can feel calmer and more grounded in what we have.

For those of you who have been in similar situations, how did you move past jealousy and comparison? How do you reframe other partners as neutral or irrelevant instead of threats? Are there specific mindset shifts, communication tools, or boundaries that helped you feel secure while staying open?

"

It's the easiest thing in the world to have an open relationship when you're the one with all the options, but not so easy when you're the one who struggles to attract others. Isn't this what it's really all about?

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
18 weeks ago

East Sussex

This type of relationship is not for you.

As harsh as this may sound she wants something that you are finding it difficult to accept. Neither of you are wrong, you're just incompatible.

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By *ravelling_manXXXMan
18 weeks ago

Ormskirk

In any relationship, no matter how long, how deep etc, there has to be an element of self preservation, looking after yourself, self care etc. It doesnt matter what it's called, it's about making you and your emotions the priority.

Just take care.

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By *luttyLaylaWoman
18 weeks ago

North West

I couldn’t cope with that situation. But I’ve accepted that and am honest about that.

If I met someone to date and it developed into swinging however long down the line, I’d be fine with that.

But I couldn’t cope with starting as FWB, being a relationship and then adding others.

For me, personally, I’d see others as a threat because my relationship with the other half started the same way.

As someone says above. No one is wrong, and it’s great she’s being so open about her needs, but that doesn’t mean you have to accept it.

I’d love to be ok with it. I don’t frown upon it at all and ideally, I’d like to enjoy it. But I can’t. You just need to decide if feeling this way each time is why you want from a relationship. It can be terribly sad to end things, but future you will thank you for not putting yourself through it each time, if your not able to change your mind.

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By *ormalfornorfolkMan
18 weeks ago

Norwich


"I'll never understand why people want to 'train' themselves to accept relationships or situations that cause them emotional discomfort.

It seems like a recipe for continual conflict "

Why not? People train themselves all the time to do all sorts of things. What about people training themselves to speak in front of large groups? For me it depends on a personal decision on whether the end justifies the means and that’s for the OP to decide.

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By *esYesOMGYes!Man
18 weeks ago

Didsbury

I have been on the other side of this situation. We met adult dating. She was very inexperienced for her age and eager to change that. She was curious about everything she had been missing. I had been completely open with her about my other lovers and our meets but it began to prompt her jealousy. It first showed when she was going to explore her bi side with one of my lovers. She admitted that she wouldn’t be able to see me with another woman and backed out. Before long she ended our friendship. She did try to rekindle things by suggesting a more strict teacher/student relationship, she even did homework. It lasted a couple of months before she needed to move on again.

She is my fondest memory from my years in adult dating.

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By *heitaliandreamer OP   Man
18 weeks ago

Northampton

Thank you all for the suggestion

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By *isfits behaving badlyCouple
18 weeks ago

Coventry

I think you have a mismatch of logic and emotion, which is understandable. You understand the logic and freedom of a non-monogamous way of live. You have the quality that you want the best for her and don't want to hold her back. But you are struggling with the emotion and possibly insecurity (and she is not struggling with it). And it's all totally understandable.

Obviously if this can never sit right with you then you may have to conced sadly that this is a relationship mismatch. It's unfair for you to be made to bend into something your not and its unfair for her to be made to bend into something she's not. Its one of them and not everyone is wired for this lifestyle.

However the fact that you've both enjoyed this lifestyle means you're not poles apart and you obviously care a lot for each other. So my main advise would be to just keep talking it through. Openly, honestly, full disclosure. What you're thinking, your fears, your insecurities. Because by talking and understanding you may get over your fears, emotions and insecurity. You may find away to go forward in the scene together. Of course you may not and then you have to know when to walk.

We met on here. We are a secure couple, monogamous relationship wise. Sexually non-monogamous. Over times we have crossed boundaries and overcome fears. In the early days we had insecurities and some jealous moments. But we talked them through, totally honestly. And by doing that we come to understand where each other were coming from and thus grew trust and security. And when you have that security in each other it gives you (almost counter-intuitively) freedom. Freedom to express yours because you have freedom from fear.

So maybe there is opportunity to grow together through good candid communication. Or maybe not. Either way wish you the best.

Mr

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By *heitaliandreamer OP   Man
18 weeks ago

Northampton

I would love to have more advice pleaee

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By (user no longer on site)
18 weeks ago

i like this post as im also in an fwb with deeper feelings xxx he is not as free as me so originally with his knowlege i did meet couples but no men alone and mainly soft play however over time i dont think either of us felt happy jealous feelings from him and guilt from me as i couldnt have accepted him meeting women alone although he never asked it just didnt feel right. open relationships just dont suit everyone and i much prefer us playing together as sexual jealousy same room is a kink but not apart im just not secure enough i suggest a chat as keeping feelings pent up is not helpful and perhaps she feels the same? xxxxx

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By (user no longer on site)
18 weeks ago

i like this post as im also in an fwb with deeper feelings xxx he is not as free as me so originally with his knowlege i did meet couples but no men alone and mainly soft play however over time i dont think either of us felt happy jealous feelings from him and guilt from me as i couldnt have accepted him meeting women alone although he never asked it just didnt feel right. open relationships just dont suit everyone and i much prefer us playing together as sexual jealousy same room is a kink but not apart im just not secure enough i suggest a chat as keeping feelings pent up is not helpful and perhaps she feels the same? xxxxx

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By *xposedInTheMaleMan
18 weeks ago

Cambridgeshire

I know it's fashionable nowadays to say that if there's the slightest incompatibility you should run a mile, but the truth is that if any sort of relationship is to last there has to be an element of compromise.

Only you can say whether this compromise is worthwhile. No-one else has a clue, including me.

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By *he Silver FuxMan
18 weeks ago

Utero


"

Hi everyone,

I am looking for advice from people with experience in emotionally open or non exclusive connections.

I have a FWB relationship that slowly grew into something deeper for both of us. We care a lot about each other and what we share together feels very special. She is very clear and honest that she is free to meet other men when I am not available, and she frames those encounters as just fun, not emotional, and not competing with what we have. She is also completely happy for me to meet other women, so the freedom goes both ways.

Intellectually I understand her position, and I do believe her when she says I am the special one and that what we share is unique. Emotionally though, I still struggle. When I know she is seeing other men, I catch myself comparing, feeling replaced, or seeing them as competitors even though she insists they are not.

I want to fully accept her freedom without feeling hurt, anxious, or insecure. I do not want to control her or change the agreement, I want to work on myself so I can feel calmer and more grounded in what we have.

For those of you who have been in similar situations, how did you move past jealousy and comparison? How do you reframe other partners as neutral or irrelevant instead of threats? Are there specific mindset shifts, communication tools, or boundaries that helped you feel secure while staying open?

"

I’m in the same situation- if you didn’t feel jealousy I’d worry, however it’s what you do with it that’s important. My situation is that NOT having exclusivity leads to a greater desire - although I am enjoying other people I find myself wanting my FWB even more, I’m not taking them for granted, it’s staying exciting. I love hearing about her being a naughty girl 😈 and she gets very turned on with me, there’s a bit of ‘punishment’ play too. The important thing is that she’s genuinely pleased to be with me, we enjoy each others company, struck with the ‘feels’ even though weren’t looking…

Comparison is the thief of joy… don’t ruin what you have. Accept and enjoy.

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By *um n raisinWoman
17 weeks ago

taunton


"This type of relationship is not for you.

As harsh as this may sound she wants something that you are finding it difficult to accept. Neither of you are wrong, you're just incompatible. "

100% this ... so many are not suited to this lifestyle ... op sounds to me that she fully knows what she wants but you are wanting more ...

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By *heitaliandreamer OP   Man
17 weeks ago

Northampton


"

Hi everyone,

I am looking for advice from people with experience in emotionally open or non exclusive connections.

I have a FWB relationship that slowly grew into something deeper for both of us. We care a lot about each other and what we share together feels very special. She is very clear and honest that she is free to meet other men when I am not available, and she frames those encounters as just fun, not emotional, and not competing with what we have. She is also completely happy for me to meet other women, so the freedom goes both ways.

Intellectually I understand her position, and I do believe her when she says I am the special one and that what we share is unique. Emotionally though, I still struggle. When I know she is seeing other men, I catch myself comparing, feeling replaced, or seeing them as competitors even though she insists they are not.

I want to fully accept her freedom without feeling hurt, anxious, or insecure. I do not want to control her or change the agreement, I want to work on myself so I can feel calmer and more grounded in what we have.

For those of you who have been in similar situations, how did you move past jealousy and comparison? How do you reframe other partners as neutral or irrelevant instead of threats? Are there specific mindset shifts, communication tools, or boundaries that helped you feel secure while staying open?

I’m in the same situation- if you didn’t feel jealousy I’d worry, however it’s what you do with it that’s important. My situation is that NOT having exclusivity leads to a greater desire - although I am enjoying other people I find myself wanting my FWB even more, I’m not taking them for granted, it’s staying exciting. I love hearing about her being a naughty girl 😈 and she gets very turned on with me, there’s a bit of ‘punishment’ play too. The important thing is that she’s genuinely pleased to be with me, we enjoy each others company, struck with the ‘feels’ even though weren’t looking…

Comparison is the thief of joy… don’t ruin what you have. Accept and enjoy."

I just love your reply. Thanks a lot mate. That is exactly what I am trying to do

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By *he Silver FuxMan
17 weeks ago

Utero

If you want to delve into the psychology of these emotions that you are feeling - it is simply the result of ‘mate guarding’ of a sociosexual restricted orientation.

Swingers are overwhelmingly Sociosexually Unrestricted, we are individuals with an unrestricted orientation (we would score highly on the Sociosexual Orientation Inventory) and we are willing to engage in sexual activity without emotional closeness or commitment.

Not sure if Sydney University are running any current studies… ☺️

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By *H_6969Man
17 weeks ago

Sunderland


"

Hi everyone,

I am looking for advice from people with experience in emotionally open or non exclusive connections.

I have a FWB relationship that slowly grew into something deeper for both of us. We care a lot about each other and what we share together feels very special. She is very clear and honest that she is free to meet other men when I am not available, and she frames those encounters as just fun, not emotional, and not competing with what we have. She is also completely happy for me to meet other women, so the freedom goes both ways.

Intellectually I understand her position, and I do believe her when she says I am the special one and that what we share is unique. Emotionally though, I still struggle. When I know she is seeing other men, I catch myself comparing, feeling replaced, or seeing them as competitors even though she insists they are not.

I want to fully accept her freedom without feeling hurt, anxious, or insecure. I do not want to control her or change the agreement, I want to work on myself so I can feel calmer and more grounded in what we have.

For those of you who have been in similar situations, how did you move past jealousy and comparison? How do you reframe other partners as neutral or irrelevant instead of threats? Are there specific mindset shifts, communication tools, or boundaries that helped you feel secure while staying open?

"

The only way I can see this truly working is via h*pnosis / neuroplasticity, as this will rewire how you brain processes it all, affecting how you feel about it.

Other than that, it looks like a recipe for getting hurt.

Good luck mate

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By *viatrixWoman
17 weeks ago

Gatwick

If she is telling you that what you have is unique and how special you are-believe her.

My FWB and I were like that for a few years. We would see other people but always go back to each other. But speaking for myself, I came to realise that I am not interested at all in seeing anyone else sexually, so asked to be owned and collared which I am really happy about. And I prefer that to the term of “being exclusive”. Which we aren’t- he is still free to meet other people if he wishes. As was I before I decided not to through my own free will and choice. The moment I want I can go back to meeting whomever I want.

I understand the feelings of jealousy. But also give her and the friendship credit. If she is telling you that, it is because she means it. 🎀

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By *ellyAndYammiTV/TS
17 weeks ago

eastbourne

I think it’s probably very difficult if not naturally inclined, as even when you are there is still jealousy at times. There is obviously room for some growth but people can definitely just hurt themselves trying to adapt for others to much.

Like I don’t really have much sexual jealousy. My instinct seeing partner get railed or attention is to find it hot. Maybe sometimes I get insecure if a girl is really pretty? But it’s mainly like a competitive fun feeling and I just enjoy the view to. I don’t think I could deal with it if I had to overcome deeper jealousy though.

Which I know as whilst I am sexually open, I am not that way emotionally. I don’t think I could ever be poly and have us both dating and in love with other people. Can be friend sure but would always need very strict time and commitment rules. Is very set in stone and isn’t something I’d ever be able to overcome and would be a deal breaker. I don’t really feel any need for me to overcome this and be a more enlightened and free spirited partner. That’s just how I am.

So think have to be careful you aren’t forcing yourself to try and overcome things you can’t. It has to be something you can realistically deal with, not just something to be forced through as really like one specific person a lot. There is always someone else to fall for is what I found, it shouldn’t really take immense amount of work to be able to adapt to the lifestyle of your main person.

Don’t mean to say give up right away but if you find you really try to accept it for a long while and it’s still bothering you, then it might just not be for you even if you really like or love someone.

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By *ilbert777Woman
16 weeks ago

Burton-on-Trent

This has echoes of how I felt approaching swinging. I read a lot about polyamory, reading is my way of understanding and dealing with things. I felt very much the emotional/ logical disconnect. I don't have a happy ending to this, only that I did read stuff and balance it within myself. (The irony is he moved on to a monogamous relationship with an ex)

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